Original subtitles

And we are Kicking footballs in America

We are going crazy With support for the lads

We are kicking footballs In New York City

Sorry, are you here for a viewing?

Michael & Eagle Lettings. Nope, no-one's in.

Oh, is it OK if I wear... I've got football kit on.

Underneath. So I hope that's not annoying.

I've got an inter-agency football sort of thing after this.

No, it's cool man. I've just come from the gym,

had a little sesh, so we're both a bit sporty.

We are a bit sporty.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

In the middle of that you went, erm, "Had a little sesh".

Love things like that.

I always want to say things like that.

Sorry. Unfortunately there's not, like, a lot of space on the floor

to do sort of exercises and workout stuff.

But there's, like, quite a big bed

so you can do plenty of exercises in the bed and, yeah.

-(CHUCKLES) - Yeah.

What sort of exercises do you mean?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I dunno.

I mean, that's basically everything you need to see.

Erm, well, we haven't seen this cupboard.

Yeah, good quality, erm. (CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, we'lljust quickly... A quick...

A quick lift.

- Mate. - STATH: Ah, well.

- Don't do that, mate. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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STATH: Al!

Keepy uppy, keepy uppy

- We're keeping the ball in the air! - We're keeping the ball in the air!

- Gangsta! -(LAUGHS)

- Bad boy! - What you doing?

Just moving Smethwicks' bin back.

They think they're the God damn council or something.

STATH: What's Carole doing with Smethwicks?

Drinking bloody sparkling water.

Oh, that's lovely. You can't really glug it though, can you?

Er, are you playing for drug addicts united now, instead of us?

I'll see you later. Thanks for the water.

- Yeah. - JULIAN: See you later, Caz.

- Stathi! - STATH: Yeah?

- Ready for the match? - Yeah?

Seriously in that kit, you look like Cristiano Ronaldo.

Yeah, get ready because I'm gonna make you both look like

young fish on the pitch tonight.

Yeah, do you know what, I'd love to have a coffee with you sometime.

I'd love that.

I'll pour coffee on the football tonight and then kick it at your mouth

and then win the game.

- JULIAN: What you doing with your leg? - I'm getting the...

-(CAR HORN HONKS) - AL: I'll get it!

Sick!

Stathi. Don't talk to these bloody muppets.

Oh, my God hejust called you bloody muppets, cussed.

Afternoon, Vasos. Nice hoodie.

See you at the match, yeah? Mum says hi.

Tellyour mum I don't say hi.

STATH: My dad keeps cussing you, bruv.

Al, careful of the cars!

What? Why you answering?

You don't... You live with me.

Katia lives here. My friend from college.

Really nice one.

What that foreign girl? She's a tenant at Michael & Eagle?

She's helping me make half time snacks and treats.

We're actually having a real laugh.

Right where's the hole you want polyfilling?

You know Katia, innit?

STATH: Yeah. All right, Katia. Where's the hole?

I wanna get out of here.

Katia wanted to ask you something...

(NERVOUSLY) Yeah, I was gonna ask

if you wanted to go for a drink?

No. Where's the hole that needs polyfillin'?

There isn't a hole.

We got you here so she could ask you out.

Oh, that is terrible trickery!

The blame lies with me.

So you two are makin' snacks, yeah, for half time?

Yum. What you making?

Well, yeah, actually it's a surprise, yeah?

But we are planning a surprise dance for half time entertainments.

Oh, my God.

- So, you know, like, YouTube. - Yeah.

Where they go to the train station and surprise everyone?

And everyone's like,

-"Oh, my God they're dancing." - So shocking.

And what sort of kind of dance is it?

It's about thejoys of being alive.

Christ.

Right, OK, well, I need to polyfilly something for Dad.

So do you have anything broken?

Erm, the fridge.

I actually called someone about it last week.

It smells very tragic.

I can't polyfiller a fridge, can I?

Right, this'll do.

OK, now, it's your responsibility to paint over that you sneaky sod.

Draggin' me over here. Do you have a drink or anything?

I need to get refreshing for football.

Oh, are you watchin'?

No, I'm playin'. Kickin'.

Ah, Dad said you weren't on the team.

What? No. Yes, I am. Shut up...

Ugh, the stink from it!

This is loony tunes, man! Why don't you want me on the team?

It's my team.

I've got such a strong presence at the tournament, man.

Darling, I'm sorry, it's nice if you don't play.

You can watch Dean play, he's marvellous.

I can't see how that's nice.

Why do you even want to play?

Last year you were just chatting on the pitch in every game, mingling.

What I'm not allowed to talk in a match?

I was just havin' a few chats.

That's what football's all about innit, the chin-wag.

Who has a chin-wag when they're running?

Oh, shush off. Who else is on the team then?

There's only four players here.

The dream team, innit! Me, Marcus, Carole,

- Al and Phil Khoo. - Right.

What? Who's Phil Khoo?

Sorry, yeah, he's a friend of mine from church in Yarmouth.

He said he fancied a kickabout.

I do fancy it too! Keenly! Is he even a letting agent?

No, he's a chemist.

Oh, my gilly goodness.

So, you want Phil Khoo bloody sprinkling pills everywhere,

but you don't want this raw skill?

That was bare shit.

I could swap with you, Stath, I don't mind not playing.

No, you're lanky. You're goalie.

Stath says you got skill anyway.

I stand by that, the team would suffer greatly without Al.

But let me swap with someone else. I'm excellent!

Just don't be on the team, and let the team be good.

- Everything hunky daisy, now? - No!

I want you to give me the money back

for these Michael & Eagle shirts you made my buy.

Enough. Soon I retire, OK? It's my last one.

I want us to bloody beat Smethwicks, mate. OK?

Yeah, I wanna beat Smethwicks too!

Julian bloody smacked me in the chops last week!

Why's Carole on the team? She kisses Smethwicks every day!

I don't kiss anyone every day, thank you, that's horrible.

When I'm gone, you can do anything you want.

Be the striker defender.

I want to be striker or defender now. (SCOFFS)

OK.

Be substitute. If someone gets sick.

Stop whacking me.

Look forward to missing out on...

Al, even though I'm feeling picked upon,

I hope you know I still wish you all the very best of luck

in the world in the match.

Oh, wow, thank you, Stath, that's very kind.

And God, I wish you so much luck

in getting a chance to go out on the pitch

and showcase your incredible skills and talent.

Thank you, Al. That means the world and his wife to me.

And, I erm, heard you are doing a dance, Sophie.

- What? - So I want to wish you the best of luck

-with that as well. - Oh, my God, thank you.

God, yes, I wish that too.

I wanna see my sis shine bright for me.

We were actually saying earlier that we did want

-to shine bright, actually. - Shine bright.

Erm, it might be nice if someone wishes Katia good luck in the dance.

- Oh, God. Good luck Katia. - No, I don't want to.

Thank you very much.

-(KNOCK ON WINDOW) - Stath, it's been 20 minutes.

Al's got to get changed.

I'm allowed to wish my friends the very best of luck.

Did you find a team to join, Stath?

What about Chigby Estate? They look more your bag.

You're the one who's a bag, mate.

- Who's that? Is that Phil Khoo? - AL: Yeah, I think so.

Oh, yeah, he's a chemist,

he gave me them creams when I fell asleep against the radiator.

Don't speak fondly of him, OK? I'm gonna tell him to sod off the team.

And if he says no I'm gonna duck him up.

- Al, you in? - No.

I can duck him up.

All right I'm Stath, we haven't met.

- Hi, Phil. - Khoo, exactly, yeah.

Erm, basically I wanna play.

So I'm gonna play instead of you, er, on the team.

Very kindly?

What? Well, I'm already here so...

Sorry.

- What are you doing? - I don't know, do I?

That's not the point, Phil.

Oh, silver, very clever.

CAROLE: Oh, my God. They look so profesh.

They look like cabin crew.

STATH: Dickheads. CAROLE: Stunning.

What, they playin' in their suits?

Gimme these, I wanna chuck some oranges.

Nah, they're refreshments.

- What are we not gonna do nothin'? - What you doing? What you?

Christ. No, no, one kick is enough. One kick...

Oh, my God why... Don't chase me.

Yeah, today was mad. I barely had time for lunch.

I was, like, "I don't care. I've bought sushi, I'm just going to eat it."

I sawyou do that.

Yeah, no, well, yeah, I'd be like that. I love sushi, actually.

But I like it a bit cooked. Or just some hot cod.

Stop flirting about cod. Say something rude to them.

Oi, oi, oi, bickering.

Today's a proper football match, yeah?

Or there's a crazy golf round the corner if that's more your vibe.

I beg someone put me on any other team.

- Oop, hello, mate. - We...

Yeah, I was saying...

We're gonna score goals into your bloody net, mate.

Yeah, that's great, then we can go for a drink after though yeah?

Stop offering me drinks in these situations.

Why are you running in the middle of an argument?

Is there actually a crazy golf near here?

I've been scouring the web for somewhere to take the kids.

- Are you nervous? - Yeah.

This is some very thrilling shit, man.

Oh, Christ, I'm sorry, I thought this was the boys', sorry.

Oh, no, it is, sorry. Just the girls' was too tiny.

Our dance is very big and free.

So we needed very big free space to practise.

So I... Yeah, I'll just get changed.

Is Stath getting changed too?

Katia, you're well naughty, innit?

Rapscallion.

So you gonna go post match drinks, Al?

Er, yeah, maybe.

It's a long trek back to Birmingham so...

- Why are you going to Birmingham? - Oh, I live there.

Yeah. You know, the rent prices here were just crazy,

so I, yeah,just get on the coach from Birmingham every morning.

- It's killing me. - That's long, man.

Tomoko thinks I'm crazy.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

SOPHIE: Ooh, Al!

Do you want us to go? We could leave?

Oh, fine thanks, whatever's cool, cool with you.

- Katia, come on. - I saw everything.

- Leave it. - STATH: Give me it.

Watch, watch I'll show you.

Grow up.

See? You wanna get your practice in... No, listen to me.

(CHEERING)

Oh, yeah, Julian!

Not very good! Sorry.

- See me score? - That's my boy.

JULIAN: See that Mum?

I'll get another one for you.

Yeah. That's my boy.

How's business, Vasos? How's your son?

Fabulous.

You don't want to ask about Smethwicks? Or my son?

No, I don't want to ask Julian or Smethwicks.

- Why not? - Because I know already.

What do you know?

I know that they are both a shitbag.

JULIAN: Yes!

OK, it's Chigby Estate.

It's gonna be embarrassing if we lose, they've been munching chips all morning.

So let's keep it tight, two at the back, me in the hole,

Carole up top, she's the target.

Yes, and all the goals must go in the goals.

Yes, and I'm gonna be shouting advice from the sidelines,

'cause I can see the whole pitch. So keep an ear out for that.

And let's keep... Let's get back onto the... Yeah, go!

Dean! Get really into it Dean!

(CHEERING)

Ref, the man in the goal touched the ball.

Skip the ball down the way.

ALL: Yes!

Have a word ref, have a word ref. Goal from the centre.

- Al, Al, I'm a bit bored. -(WHISTLE BLOWS)

What? Don't blow at me! I'm trying to talk to my friend.

DEAN: Go on Phil!

ALL: Yes!

DEAN: Stath, get off the pitch man.

I come on to celebrate as part of my family team.

Shut up! You look like a yellow card innit.

- Al, did you hear that? - Oh, sorry.

What's been your best bit so far of the game?

I think it's probably...

Stathis! Don't bother Alastair, let him play!

Careful, Al, oh, dear. Get this one. Get this one.

I got it! Oh, saved!

Saved! Can I do the next goal kick?

- I'm just... I'm not sure I should. - Please?

Yes! Who wants it?

It looks like bloody Aunty Nora's tea party here.

Passion, passion, passion!

Fuck's sake, Phil Koo, that was you!

Come on... It's a fucking corner! There's a minute left!

Does anyone give a shit about clean sheets except me?

Get down here! Nobody's shitting in my bed!

My sheet's clean! Marcus! Over there!

Al! Al? If we win this are we in the final against Smethwicks?

Er, yeah. I think so? Why?

- Phil! - So we're only playing two games?

That's the whole thing? I haven't even had a go.

Carole!

Should I foul... Al should I foul Phil Khoo? Al?

Keeper's!

-(CRUNCH) -(SCREAMING)

It was Phil Khoo! That was Phil Khoo.

I saw the incident. Are you OK?

What? Go home Katia, I just crumbled my best friend's hand!

CAROLE: Ref. Red. Red! STATH: Go home!

Oh, my lesion! That is... Your hand is looking so bad now, man.

Am I subbed on? 'Cause Al can't play.

- Fine, you can play. - Yes!

But don't play too much.

It's nice to look at the ball, you don't need to touch it.

Yes! What?

I don't want to give him a surprise of a lifetime.

I know. But come on, we've got to do this now.

Yeah? Come on, if you wanna dance the life you've got to live it.

This is ridiculous. Why's he being rewarded?

Have you seen Al's hand? It's like a claw.

Are you trying to turn my dad and my friend against me now? Witch!

What? I'll put a curse on you then.

Come on, everyone! It's party time.

Let's go crazy tonight!

Oh, what a shock!

Put your hands in the air if you like surprises and shocks.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoo!

Come on

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, I wanna have a good time

Yeah, I wanna have A good time with you

Yeah, I wanna have a good time

I wanna have a good time with you

It's done. Whoo!

Clap, you bloody eggs!

It was a disgrace. The music was like a whisper!

You weren't even happy-go-lucky, Katia, man!

I was trying to bejolly!

It's not my fault your brother shout at me to death!

Oh! Your hand looks like a rat!

Ew.

It's fine. I'm going to hospital now.

I could come with you.

Katia's biffing me off.

Al. I got on the team!

Fantastic.

STATH: Can I have your t-shirt?

Where is your respect? You had me, and then you lost me.

Julian, watch your back, innit, I'm playing, I'll foulyour head off!

Mate, why have you got your work shoes on?

Er... (TUTTING)

For grip.

OK, Stath, you call it, mate. Heads or tails?

I don't care. I don't...

I've never known what that means. What does it mean?

Heads. He's an idiot.

It's heads. Let's have a good game.

Oh, we will have a good game.

DEAN: Stath! Stath! VASOS: Go and play, boy!

Let's do the centre kick again. Let's do the centre kick again.

Oh, so your son's playing? So brave.

- Why is he brave? - Well,just...

Nothing.

Stath! That is Stath's ball. That was Stath's ball.

One more of those, please!

Go! Dean, take it.

Come on, keeper!

Stath! Stath! I'm open!

Stath! Stath!

- No! Stath back to me! - CAROLE: Stath, no!

STATH: Boof! Rock on!

You idiot! That's our goal!

What are you doing, you fucking tosser?

Sorry, I won't do it again.

- Keeper's ball, keeper's ball. No! -(LAUGHTER)

Oh, you want it off me, bruv? You want it off me?

Oh! He went...

- DEAN: What are you doing? - Bruv!

- We changed ends. - Why?

Marcus is in goal!

Argh, I wondered what that was about...

What a save! Oh! Ahhh!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Everyone, to be fair. Highest scorer. Man of the match. Stath.

Very funny. Very quick.

All right, you can fuck off with your greasy spoon agency.

It's not my fault you have nothing to be proud of!

What are you proud of?

Your snake son who drinks drugs every day?

OK, what are you on about?

He doesn't do that any more, thank you.

I know because I paid a shit load of money to make sure of it.

Because I can.

What are you going to do to fix your son, eh?

How you gonna fix that?

STATH: Phil Khoo, come on extra time!

Yeah... Aw!

SOPHIE: Do you want my coat?

No, you don't have to do that.

It's nice and snuggly for the injured boy.

Oh, God thank you, erm, girl.

Oh, there's a chocolate in the pocket.

It's not got its wrapper though, but you can have it.

Wow, thank you.

By the way, no of fence

but erm, I think you should go solo with your dancing.

- Come on. - Honestly, you're the outstanding

performer of the two, definitely.

Your energy, I've never seen anything like it,just so natural.

That's so nice, but it was dog shit.

Well, I thought it was fantastic.

I think you're fantastic.

I need to, erm, I need to stop being so clumsy. (CHUCKLES)

Tomoko says I remind her of Mr Bean... - Shut up about your girlfriend.

Winning this tournament's really put things into perspective,

and I just want to say that if I ever get married

I'm going to askJulian to be my best man.

Oh, man I'd do the same but I promised it to a best mate.

That's too much. Less.

Less, less.

Perfect. Thank you very much.

Oof.

Sorry about earlier.

I know you feel strongly for me and I need to respect that.

It is fine, we all do crazy bullshit we don't mean sometimes.

(SIGHS) We do.

We do.

Can I get you a drink?

Oh, yes... Erm, I will have Baileys soda, please?

- How much is that gonna be? -$4.75.

I'll leave it.

I just remember, I have two discount tickets for Alton Towers,

but you have to use them 24th, 25th of December if you'd like to come... No?

I will go alone.

- JULIAN: Honestly, Karen... - Carole...

JULIAN: You blew me away on that pitch, you're proper.

I dunno why you work for them though.

I could 100% get you into Smethwicks.

Oh, God, I'd love that.

Er, what are you doing in here?

This is a private space for boys to toilet.

Julian invited me actually.

Well done. Don't care.

Hey man, little bump?

Oh, my God. I'm tellin' your mum.

Is you... Yeah... Excuse me. Miss?

I just went into the toilet and Julian was in there

even doing drugs at the end of the day and that's said now.

What's he said? What are you talking about?

Shut up. What's he saying, Mum?

What did I say?

- I was just in the... - No. What did I say?

I warned you. Touch it again and you're out.

It's not even mine, Mum, it's not even mine.

- You're sacked. You're sacked. - What do you mean sacked?

Someone said, "Oh, take that, look after this for me."

- I don't even know what it is. - I can still see it on your nose.

Dad, Julian's mumjust fired him.

(GASPS) Every day, every day, I love you.

You are very hard for me though.

All right, erm, thank you.

I'm sorry I'm sorry for everything

For everything I'm sorry

I'm so sorry for...

I'm so sorry for...

I'm so sorry for everything

Girl, you know I'm sorry

I'm so sorry for...

I'm so sorry for...

I'm so sorry for everything

Girl, you know I'm sorry

I'm so sorry for...

I'm so sorry...

- What? - Did you getJulian sacked?

Are you an actual snake?

Ah, c'mon, Cazza.

Let's just leave the squabblin' at work yeah?

End of the day, I'm a brill bloke, yeah? And I think you are a cool gal.

Why, why are you a brill bloke? Why?

Why are you brill?

Because of facts and stats.

Because I got thisjob without my dad giving it to me, OK? Fact.

And because I would have just got a job at Smethwicks

if you hadn't snaked out my one connection there. OK?

So your turn. What are your facts?

Whatever. I just know. Innit?

You can't even... You can't even name one!

One good thing you've ever done, can you?

Yes. Erm...

I like to sing with my sister.

Oh, my God. You're so pointless.

Do you know what, I was just telling Julian actually,

I have this daydream about you, all the time,

where I push you really hard into a spike.

And you burst. It's heaven!

Well, that would never happen!

I canjust do it...

(TUTS)

I'm kissin' Carole.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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