Original subtitles

STATH: Stath, perfect to meet you.

And what,just to begin with,

I think something nice about this property

is you've sort of got a thing like the moon up there.

Whichjust makes me feel like I'm always being looked out for.

Oh, God, it's really good.

Erm, Michael & Eagle Lettings.

It is a nice kitchen yeah, but we should,

we'll have a quick look at the rest of it,

so I'll take you through to the bedroom.

That isn't a door, that's not a door.

That is... What is that?

Sort of a wobbly wall. (CHUCKLES)

Which I like, which I like a lot actually.

Good to just have that there for a quick wobble. (CHUCKLES)

Where is the bedroom?

That's too much, that's a toilet not a bedroom.

That is obviously not a bedroom, that is a shower,

and that leads directly onto the kitchen.

- It's a nice kitchen. - OK, we've got a sandwich on the shelf.

Wow-wow-wow.

Sometimes it's annoying to just have windows on the walls,

so you canjust like see what's going on outside your house,

and that's why we popped one up

on the ceiling and only one on the ceiling.

From there you can see everything in the sky...

Oh, and she's opened! You've been here before!

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) How did you do that? Honestly.

That's about as far as it goes, but... And that's the bedroom!

Yes!

It's very small.

But it's really just a case of wriggling in.

#One, two, three, four, five #

Are you OK?

Yeah, fine. It's this bloody thing.

- Oh, that's knocked the table again. - All right.

And it's got everything nearby, you've got your bedroom,

you could just lie back onto your bed. Or you can have a quick shower

if you get a bit sweaty from the food or you can pop to the toilet and have...

All right. Stop doing that.

And it's 520 a month, right?

No, it's, er, 830, bless you. Where did you get 520 from?

Bless you.

It says it on your website,

and on your brochure, that's why I'm here.

That's our old price though, does it say underneath like "old price"?

(TEARFULLY) How am I supposed to afford 830 quid?

How?

Who can do that?

I can't keep travelling from Norwich to work,

I need a flat in London.

It shouldn't be this hard,

(SOBBING) And I shouldn't be having to talk to a wanker like you!

Do you want that sandwich?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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I'm, I'm totally on your side, you know, I'm not the landlord,

but erm, yeah, it doesn't matter if it's humans or animals.

It shouldn't be on the walls of the property.

You hungry? You want a pistachio?

Don't ask me questions so quickly Sophie,

- I haven't got my tippy toe in the room. - Did you let the flat?

It's very rude to ask people about their day.

No, it's not, it's lovely! Did you let the flat?

No! So, thank you.

Can I talk to someone who knows how to have a real conversation please?

There's my guy! James Bond!

Slaow, slaow, slaow!

Psh, psh, psh. (LAUGHS)

You areJames Bond!

I'm nothing likeJames Bond.

But you know, I, I... It's not a lifestyle I'd be opposed to,

you know, I'd love the opportunity for international travel.

I'd love to see France.

How was the viewing?

Pointless. She just bloody screamed for 20 minutes and then didn't even take it.

You know what I mean? What am I supposed to do?

Oh, um, wellyou know, I think you should just keep going, and,

do some more viewings...

(SCOFFS) Bloody hell, that's good advice...

Thank you.

- Crack! - You all right, team?

OK.

Ding-aling.

Brown dry wipe please, Al.

15, 20, 21, in a month!

- Whoo! - Whoo!

Stath, I'm going to have to smear your line darling, all right to smear?

-(MURMURS) Smear your bloody head off. - Done it now. Right.

Carole, lovely tweet from this morning's viewing just in.

Oh, no!

Someone's tweeted, have they? All right Vas.

What is it?

"Thank you Carole, dream flat found, funniest viewing ever too.

"P.S Drain town."

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, that's what it was.

She'd gone to Drayton for the weekend

and she hated it and I said, "Yeah, more like drain town."

(VAS LAUGHS)

- She didn't know what to do! - I don't know what to do.

What a lovely twitter, drain town, Carole the chief champion.

Anyone done a tweet about me?

Um, is this you?

@MichaelandEagle

"Your tall agent held my hand very tightly when I tried to leave."

Oh that guy!

Idiot. He tried to run away before I told him

about how I become a letting agent.

That's the thing about me, Marcus, you know,

I will take a compliment and I'll enjoy it.

I'll use it as an opportunity to better myself.

I take compliments very seriously.

Stupid arsehole idiot.

You just called me a stupid arsehole idiot to my face.

Yeah, sorry. No.

In my head, I was sure you had turned around.

That is bad.

I hadn't.

- Dad,just... - I am on telephone.

Oh, sorry.

- Sorry but you're not on the... - It's hands free.

Right, no I just want to tell you that

I got perfect feedback from my customer this morning.

Um, she was very sad and I cheered her with a meal, a sandwich.

Did you let it?

Er, not at this case in time, no.

To be honest, I think she was a drug addict, so we don't...

Oh, my God, is Sophie doing the sticks?

Yeah, you're taking me.

What?

You drive your sister nicely, do sticks.

No, I actually don't want to do sticks.

- I want to do viewings. - Sticks!

Can you move out of my way, please?

I'm helping her.

Don't make me hold one until we are outside, all right?

Do you stink?

Bloody hell.

- No, it's Jennifer Lopez smell. - Al, smell Sophie.

Why do you have to say everything for everyone?

I'm not sure I have time, Stath.

- I have to put some sugar in my... - Right.

That is the bloody... You've got the bloody guff of cigarettes on you!

I hope you die in it and at your funeral,

I'll sing a song about you being an idiot.

Ooh, woof man!

What is that my back on don't crack me!

Out Stathi, help Sophia!

- Wonderful to see you, Alistair. - Ah, thank you very much.

- Let me. - Careful, be careful, careful of me!

Oh, my God, I'm being so delicate, Carole.

What are you doing just clicking the Internet?

Er, well, no, I've just got a tweet from a landlord

on Greenberries Road describing me as very helpful.

What? Hang on, we got another flat on Greenberries Road?

How come she gets it?

It's the most elegant road since 10 Downing Street.

Which is why I get to let it, because I've been referred to as very helpful,

whereas you have been described as "Greek and dangerous".

Oh, my God, that is obviously about Dean!

How's it about me? Are you mad?

Shouting boy,

you let nice amount of properties like Carole,

you get to let nice properties like Carole.

Look at this situation, man, it's a topsy turvey.

Swearing.

Look, I could do a let of a nice flat like Carole,

but I'm getting given sticks.

How am I going to let two people into a stick

unless they're stood on top of each other all skinny.

Innit, Al?

Oh, God, yes. Thank you.

I swear for when Dd retires and I take over,

I'm going to need better experience than watching

my reeking sister plonk around with some wood.

I didn't ask to plonk, did I?

Anyway, how do you know you're going to take over?

You're not the only man in London.

Sorry, is that what we're letting?

Yeah, it's modern, innit?

Oi, here's something funny. (LAUGHS)

This sign looks like a flag, innit? "Hello, Your Majesty."

Actually that is very funny.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Hello, Dad.

- Ithoughtaboutwhatyousaid. - Tell dad about myjoke.

You wanted nice viewing on Greenberries Road, like Carole, yeah?

Yeah, why?

Not why, I got you a flat on Greenberries Road.

Nicegarden flatforyou.

A garden flat on Greenberries? Are you Micky the tricky?

I'll let that in like ten seconds if it's got a garden.

Bravo. OK, don't let me down, yeah?

Yeah, no, no, amazing, amazing, yeah.

Do the sticks, please, Sophie, love you!

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR SPEAKERS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

You'll get in the garden and you're going to say to yourself,

"Oh, my Lord, I'm in the garden of Eden."

Can you not park this here, please? I'm doing viewings.

They'll think people with disgusting cars live here.

Don't walk toward me and say that!

Anyway, what's so nice about your red Smethwicks car?

Red, red, bloody wine.

Can you just put a sheet over it or something?

No, can you clean the smack off of yours?

I don't know what you mean by that.

What, you don't know what?

Are you stupid? You didn't go to school? Are you mad?

Hey!

Are you, do you... Michael, Michael & Eagle lettings?

Yeah, sorry I just smacked his car,

we were just being a little bit threatening (CHUCKLES) with each other.

(AL SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

(SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

TOMOKO: Missyou!

(SPEAKINGJAPANESE)

Beautiful language.

Thank you.

AL: Oh, hey!

Oh, you put up all the signs!

That's a... That's a good result.

Good, yeah.

I had to sling most of them in the canal actually

'cause I couldn't carry them on my own, so I've just come back to get some more.

Oh, cool. How are you going carry those if you couldn't before?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I have to sit here dealing with all these complaints.

You know...

"My flat's too cold, where's my door gone?"

You know, and it's up to old muggins to try and sort it out.

Sometimes I just want to go 'F' off!

Owee, Al!

- You should though, you should. - I shouldn't have said that.

No, what you think so?

Yeah, and you can also say, "Shut up!"

(LAUGHS) Can you imagine?

-"Shut up." - God, enough.

God, I'd feel like Superman. "Just, shut up!"

(BOTH LAUGH)

- So we've got Sarah and Mitchel. - Oh, no, so, sorry, so, I'm Alice.

Alice! Which is having a baby. Pinch for good luck! (CHUCKLES)

No and this is my dude...

- BOTH: Tristan. - This is Crispin?

Like crisps.

- No, with a T. - No, crisps is with a C.

Ok, number 22, let's get in there.

That's number 7, you idiot, that's...

I know, I'm telling them, I'm showing them the area.

So you've got here, here, here, here, here, here, here.

And let's go see number 22.

You've got a lovely big bump, haven't you?

- Don't touch that. - No, I'm just saying.

Careful, you don't want to get ploughed into by a car!

You worked hard on getting that going, I reckon. (CHUCKLES)

How many... How long did it take?

As in, as in how many...

To be honest, I'm going to whip you through all this

because the inside of the flat is spectacular

but the outside truly is a absolutely garden.

Um, you could even have a garden birth!

Sounds mad obviously but I'd...

People do birth in a very strange places.

I saw a thing about a woman, gave birth into a bottle.

Ok, let's get you outside.

Welcome to the garden of an Eden.

What? No?

Oh, dear.

Do you mind, do you mind going away, for ages?

Dad!

I can't keep leaving messages man,

the last tenants left it like a filth out here.

There's a oven that's covered in a ladder.

Aljust picked up a brick and there's some salad underneath it.

- Oh, it's fine. - OK call me back.

Love you. Al, I'm sorry man!

Bloody getting a gentleman like you to do this.

It's like asking a prince to touch a toilet.

Oh, no, I'm not, I'm not like a prince.

I do have a huge amount of respect for the royal family.

All right, yeah.

Prince William really has his head screwed on.

Crispian and his big wife are gonna be here in about three hours,

so we've got to get it clear by then. Look at this.

Hey Al!

Fine, thanks, yeah, how are you doing?

What! Eh...

Have you seen how much cruck there is on the floor,

putting more cruck on it?

Tsk, man, I'm tired, you left me lonely with the sticks.

I've haven't even had an egg for energy or nothing.

Pooo, it's mucky ducks around here, innit?

Yeah, it's a dirty mystery.

Did you bring anything to help like I asked?

Oh, perfect.

- Panagia mou! -(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Dad. Dad, I've been calling and calling. Did you get my messages?

Yes, I was tired.

Are you being a good boy? Did you let the flat?

Yeah, the garden's a wretch,

I need you to send someone to come and clear it.

I've only got Al, God rest his soul.

CAROLE: Oh, hi, Stath.

Is that Carole, why is she there?

Just in your dad's office showing him how to use Twitter.

Oh, scrum off!

Dad, send someone to help me clear it.

So, in this one, they're basically just saying that I wowed them.

Dad! Dad!

You do it, it's your property.

If you don't do it, it's OK we just send Carole tomorrow to let it.

- No, I will but... - Bye, bye. Iloveyou.

Dad... Oh!

Dirty like a poo isn't it!

(LAUGHS) Well, I wouldn't say that.

Sophie, that was a horrible phone call.

Sorry.

(MUMBLING)

Piff this!

Sophie, call a company on your phone to help clear up.

Hey!

Why are you taking photos of Al?

Bloody hell, look, get one of me and Al then get on with it.

- Right. - Nice.

Call the company.

Are you showing Al? Stop it! Let me see, that is really nice!

- AL: Yeah, it's nice. - Now, call the company.

- All right, yeah, Karina, is that right? - Hiya, Yes.

Good, good start.

Nicejacket by the way, the Fonz! (LAUGHS)

Where are these people you booked for the garden?

They're late, innit?

- Yes. I know that, that's why I'm... - Stath?

What?

It's like they're late for school, innit?

Are you going to give them detention?

(SCOFFS) What a ridiculous suggestion. You're very, very funny today, Sophie.

Oi, it's the champion of the people!

Um, I actually haven't had lunch and Sophie mentioned something about an egg?

Is there an egg?

STATH: Is this them?

Midlow and Son.

Bloody hell, they look good, Sophie. Well done.

OK, yeah.

(COUGHS)

- Oh, my God, look how old he is! -(COUGHING)

Are you... How's he going to move a garden?

I don't know, he could be wise?

Are you here for the garden?

Have you brought your son with you or something?

What?

Dad!

Wheelbarrow's fucking knackered.

-(COUGHING) - OLD MAN: Shut up, Peter.

Look at the state of this!

Look, look, he'sjust picking it up

and then he puts it down on exactly the same spot.

SOPHIE: They're well old, innit?

- The dad's about 50. - Fifty!

He's about a thousand!

It's like I'm watching a documentary.

Excuse me, sir, very gently, are you going to hurry up a bit?

It's been like 25 minutes.

It will take as long as it... (COUGHING FORCEFULLY)

As long as it gets.

Right, thank you very much.

Did you see how red his head just went?

It was like a completely red head, it's unbelievable.

Christ!

Are you mad?

Why have you put those there?

I've got barbecue water all over the floor.

That's paraffin.

You want to set fire to us all?

Well, yeah, maybe I do if you don't take this all away very nicely, please.

I want to let this flat today.

- Is he dead? - Who?

Oh, my God. Yeah, now, excuse me, sir, nowyour dad is being dead or something.

He's 91, for God's sake, just let him rest!

I'm not letting him have a bloody rest, am I!

Excuse me! Wake up, sir, there's work to do!

- Piss off! - Crumbs!

- Bloody hell! Crumbs! - What a shock!

Right. OK.

- Don't you dare! - Sorry.

Do you want me to whack you with that ladder?

No, obviously I don't want you to whack me with the ladder.

Right, I'm absolutely terrified from you now, aren't I!

So, I can't stay in the garden, can I?

Al, come with me, Sophie, finish clearing the garden.

- Sorry, Sophie. - What?

Where can I piss?

I'm going to beat the shit out of that old man and his old son.

God, I mean they are such a rude, rude, firm...

Yeah, unbelievable...

You know, someone should be informed about them, so.

That's just, I love that your...

The way with words, the wayyou said that;

- Thank you. -"Someone's got to be informed."

Thanks, I'm actually still really hungry.

Do you think we could we get a sandwich or something?

How many viewings have Smethwicks had today?

AL: Oh, loads.

Yeah, and how many have I had?

I think it was just one.

It is just one, isn't it?

- One viewing. - Yeah.

That's disgraceful, innit?

I should've got more than one, innit?

Ah, no, no, no, you know, I think you should have...

I think you should have just got one.

(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

Don't touch my window when you've been grudging with dirt.

We're off. Dad's cold.

How are you going to pay us?

I'm not paying you, you've done nothing.

Even if you do finish, I'm not paying you, I hate you.

Dad and me have come all the way from Gurnham.

$80 now, cash.

You know what?

You're going to clean the garden, yeah, now.

I don't have any cash on me, when your done, I'll give you 40 quid.

I'm taking you to a cashpoint!

- Dad! Get in the van! - Get off me.

This is outrageous, Peter!

Please, Peter!

I'm Mr Midlow to you!

- Get in the van! - Peter!

Al, finish the garden.

Christ!

- Bloody hell. - Get in!

- I'm trying to get in the car. - And watch my bleeding steering wheel.

I don't get why we had to came out so far,

there are cashpoints near the flat.

It's been like an hour,

I could have watched a bloody murder mystery in this time.

I live round here, I know where the cashpoints are.

Right, well, you live in a shit area, mate.

I mean where are we, is it bloody Leicester or something?

STATH: #Driving along with two oldboys

# Thatlwish I'dnevermet

# Threeboysin the car And two of them areshit

PETER: Stop it!

BOTH: # Working in thegarden

# Then, cleaning with myfriends #Oarden working all the day

# Working with the leaves The fun neverends

# There's 300leaves, there's 300grass

Oh, no, I think I've left my card back at the flat.

What?

Yeah, I think, we got to go back and get it...

What a... No!

Did you just chuck your card out the window?

No, I chucked my phone out the window, Peter!

What! Why?

Because, I thought it was my card, didn't I, I had them both in my hands.

Can we go back and get my phone, please, man?

So, you still have your card then?

Yes, I still have my card!

Can we go back and get my phone, please, Peter?

Peter?

You are not going back to get it, are you?

It's unforgivable!

(HONKS)

Oh! Fuck!

See, making me wake your dad up as well.

- I wasn't asleep! - Why are you defending that?

No one cares. We are past that part of the argument.

OLD MAN: Enough!

He's acting like we're in divine love with his head on my shoulder.

- Yeah. - It's a bit better, isn't it?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. I mean, it's the same but, er,

there's been a lot of movement, you know,

we've moved a lot of stuff around, so.

Do you think we could just chuck it into next door's garden?

(LAUGHING) That's a good idea!

It is fun to chuck stuff though, innit?

Oh, yeah, sometimes I just want to chuck everything I own out of my house!

-(BOTH CHUCKLING) - See what that would look like!

What the hell!

Oh! Al!

You know, sometimes you've just got to...

Argh!

- Oh, my God! -(BOTH LAUGHING)

See what happens...

- That was amazing! - Yeah!

I should probably go and get that,

I shouldn't have... I really shouldn't have done that.

I'll keep a look out!

What for?

I don't know!

(BOTH LAUGH)

AL: Don't know!

-(LAUGHING) - Oh, Christ!

- Oop... Ow! -(CRASH)

Oh, are you OK?

- Yeah, fine, thanks. -(GROANS)

-(THUDDING) - It's worse.

Where's Al?

AL: Oh, is that Stath?

I'll just come round in a sec!

- OK, hope you're well. - Where've you been?

I've been calling and calling.

I wanted to ask you how we should clear it.

How will you call me when I chucked my phone out the window?

- Why did you do that? - Innit!

I had to get six buses back and no one wanted to chat to me.

Do you want a pistachio?

Yes, very much.

(SIGHS)

I feel like, I know I'm really very good at everything,

but when I do it, yeah, Sophie, it's like an awful situation.

(RATTLING)

- Nearly done it, filled it with shells. - Why are you showing me that?

I just said something very sad. Lift me up!

Oh. I don't know.

Well done for letting the flat.

- I didn't let a flat though, did I? - AL: Hey!

Oh, I've never been happy to see anyone in my life.

There are some people outside who have a viewing.

Argh!

Stressful, innit?

- What is that? - Oi, I'm addicted to those!

STATH: Dung off!

Er, sorry, Clintian and... Yep.

-(SOFTLY) It's Alice. - Um...

There isn't going to be a viewing.

It's cancelled, 'cause, er,

the rubbish in the garden is still apparent, in around, yeah.

Ah, yeah, no, that's fine, we, yeah, we like the... We like the flat, so.

- What? - Yeah, well,

we wouldn't be moving in for a few weeks,

so, it'll be clear by then, right?

Yeah.

Aw, this is nice, isn't it?

The only thing is we didn't get to properly look at the garden;

-can we see how big it is? - Yes.

Oh, yes, yes!

Comejust to look at it, yeah, yeah.

Oh, come on, mummy and daddy! (LAUGHING)

So do you have a name picked out for the little tyke or...?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah, we actually like David.

David!

Much better name than his name.

So, the garden is still a little bit of a twisty pickle,

but you've got to just use your imagination

to think what it could look like

'cause it could look very nice, it's just a mess at the moment.

- You know what I mean? - Yeah.

- We just want to get a sense of it. - OK, let's get inside.

OK, if you'd like to follow me.

Come on, quick quick!

-(TRISTAN COUGHS) - Down the path.

Oh, not too quick, careful of David.

Do you, do you need to call someone?

- Yeah, I think. - Oh, yes!

Yeah. Call someone.

Ok, back off to your house where

-you live now, it's quite safe there. - SOPHIE: What's going on?

- Bye! - Stath?

- What's going on? - Yeah.

I think it's really picking up!

I think, I think we should call...

I'm just going to call someone now.

Yeah, I think call somebody.

Did you let it already?

No, it's on fire instead.

AL: Fire? In the garden?

Yeah, probably the house now as well.

(CHUCKLES) Right, let's get out of here.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(ALICE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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