All language subtitles for My.Best.Friends.Girl.2008.720p-ENGLISH.subs

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish Download
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org 2 00:00:27,329 --> 00:00:31,561 Oh, let's just get in there, Baby. Let's go. Hustle. Here we go. 3 00:00:32,935 --> 00:00:35,768 I love angry sex. This is the best. 4 00:00:36,004 --> 00:00:37,631 Oh, you wanna do it right here, huh? 5 00:00:37,873 --> 00:00:41,866 Oh, yeah... Okay. 6 00:00:44,580 --> 00:00:47,811 Give up, already. Yeah, you know. 7 00:00:57,426 --> 00:01:00,953 I like this girl. Really do. 8 00:01:01,330 --> 00:01:02,820 Sometimes you just know. 9 00:01:09,872 --> 00:01:12,670 I'm not finished. 10 00:01:19,869 --> 00:01:22,669 Anyway, here's what I'm thinking. We start with a blowjob. 11 00:01:22,677 --> 00:01:24,611 Yeah. I mean, obviously, you know? 12 00:01:24,845 --> 00:01:26,409 And most girls find it rewarding the way I do it... 13 00:01:26,410 --> 00:01:30,706 Because I turn what is normally a chore into, like, a training session. 14 00:01:30,707 --> 00:01:34,104 It's like my own special Head Start program. Even got Chloraseptic spray. 15 00:01:34,644 --> 00:01:36,710 Do that really well, we move on to the nasty stuff. 16 00:01:37,284 --> 00:01:39,885 Do some artsy live streaming video. Totally tasteful. 17 00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:42,081 Don't worry, I'll get you paid. Easy. 18 00:01:42,861 --> 00:01:45,613 Wait, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time? Yeah. 19 00:01:45,750 --> 00:01:48,184 I accept your rebuke of my advances. 20 00:01:48,196 --> 00:01:49,765 But for future reference, could you at least give me a reason why? 21 00:01:49,832 --> 00:01:51,295 How about 10? 22 00:01:52,835 --> 00:01:54,693 I love angry sex. This is the best. 23 00:01:55,971 --> 00:01:57,571 It's gonna be great. Just... 24 00:02:04,847 --> 00:02:06,802 Hey, we're going Dutch on gas money, you know. 25 00:02:07,734 --> 00:02:10,301 Shut the fuck up. I'm not even listen... 26 00:02:10,537 --> 00:02:11,761 Oh, my God! Why aren't you...? 27 00:02:12,606 --> 00:02:13,705 Dick! 28 00:02:14,241 --> 00:02:15,667 Listen. Sarah? Oh, my God. 29 00:02:15,692 --> 00:02:17,692 Stop bitching on me. I didn't know it was your sister. 30 00:02:17,791 --> 00:02:22,619 If I did, it was dark, I was drunk and I thought it was you. 31 00:02:22,928 --> 00:02:26,291 Oh, she's pregnant too. You tell your sister... 32 00:02:26,367 --> 00:02:29,559 That I'll make a donation to Planned Parenthood in her honor. 33 00:02:31,372 --> 00:02:33,540 Sarah, my ex. 34 00:02:35,009 --> 00:02:36,506 Big cunt. 35 00:02:45,688 --> 00:02:46,582 Rachel, I apologize. 36 00:02:48,722 --> 00:02:50,822 Sometimes when you try a new restaurant, it's a gamble. 37 00:02:51,392 --> 00:02:53,185 And today we lost. 38 00:02:55,531 --> 00:02:58,127 I'm thinking to avoid any sexual obligation, that's you. 39 00:03:08,282 --> 00:03:08,949 Oh, my God. 40 00:03:12,587 --> 00:03:16,018 Perhaps I can interest you in some of our fabulous Famine Fiesta Fries? 41 00:03:16,557 --> 00:03:19,283 She could use a little more famine and a little less fried. 42 00:03:21,622 --> 00:03:24,120 Two Baja Car Bombs on the snap. 43 00:03:25,092 --> 00:03:26,323 Okay, no, I don't drink... 44 00:03:26,694 --> 00:03:28,988 But thank you. I wasn't ordering for you. 45 00:03:34,632 --> 00:03:38,432 I gotta warn you, the stereo's busted. That's okay. 46 00:03:38,568 --> 00:03:40,402 I've got a little bit of a headache, so... 47 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:45,634 See?! 48 00:03:46,710 --> 00:03:47,809 It's been like this for a month! 49 00:03:49,346 --> 00:03:50,809 I got it. 50 00:03:58,889 --> 00:04:01,319 These are for your ears! 51 00:04:02,692 --> 00:04:03,586 Thanks. 52 00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:06,796 You look offended by the song! 53 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:10,158 But if you really listen, it's not really vulgar. 54 00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:15,303 It's about a guy, he's in love. And I know he's saying, "Pop the pussy." 55 00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:17,564 But it's a metaphor for, like: 56 00:04:18,108 --> 00:04:20,208 "I wanna hug you!" 57 00:04:20,777 --> 00:04:24,174 Pop that pussy... Hug me, hug me, hug me, hug me 58 00:04:25,231 --> 00:04:27,764 So I'll call you later? 59 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:30,998 And I'll call the cops, you asshole. I had a nice time tonight. 60 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,709 Hello. Josh, I just went on... 61 00:04:38,745 --> 00:04:40,572 The worst date of my life. Rachel. 62 00:04:42,081 --> 00:04:44,875 Hey, look, I'm gl... I'm so, so sorry. 63 00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:48,182 Why are you sorry? Baby, I was the one who... 64 00:04:48,421 --> 00:04:52,148 Can we maybe, you know, grab a...? Yeah. Yeah, no, that sounds great. 65 00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,583 Yeah. I'd really like that. 66 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:58,722 Listen, I'm out with a friend right now. But can I call you? 67 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,693 What about dinner tomorrow night? I'd like that. 68 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,031 Yeah, I'd like that too. All right. 69 00:05:03,269 --> 00:05:06,837 I'm so glad you called. All right, bye. 70 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,334 Told you. I just show them the difference... 71 00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:12,842 Between what's in the hand and what's in the bush. 72 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,513 You have mastered the female psyche. 73 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:18,080 To get them to run, I make them think that I'm shit. 74 00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:20,650 To get them to come, I make them think they're shit. 75 00:05:20,787 --> 00:05:22,878 Either way, you're the asshole. 76 00:05:23,523 --> 00:05:25,420 It's what I do. 77 00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:02,690 Sorry. 78 00:06:17,143 --> 00:06:18,540 All right. 79 00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:20,636 Look at you, all white and thin. 80 00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:24,043 I bet if I laid you on this bar, she could snort you. 81 00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:25,584 Listen, Beauty Queen. 82 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:29,117 I know people are concerned about you because you're dangerously thin. 83 00:06:29,255 --> 00:06:32,119 But I'm not one of those people. Yet I am concerned. 84 00:06:32,258 --> 00:06:33,882 That you've had too many drinks... 85 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:37,561 And your fingers are in this bowl like it's one of your sorority sisters. 86 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,923 These pretzeled devils, far from complimentary. 87 00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:41,962 I mean, Baby, get your head in the game. 88 00:06:42,101 --> 00:06:44,931 Nothing tastes as good as looking good. 89 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:47,036 That is just... Excuse me. 90 00:06:47,707 --> 00:06:50,708 Are you psycho? I mean, how can you even begin to talk to...? 91 00:06:50,843 --> 00:06:51,932 Easy, Urlacher. 92 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:55,170 Ever notice it's the linebackers concerned with people not eating? 93 00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:58,384 If the pussy police here would stop ordering her fries tempura... 94 00:06:58,518 --> 00:06:59,550 I just had a child. 95 00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:02,118 Congratulations. I'm sure he was probably delicious. 96 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,947 Looks like you downed the whole thing. 97 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,750 You're an asshole. 98 00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:12,786 You really are an asshole. Then walk away. 99 00:07:24,877 --> 00:07:28,174 Let me just go get my purse, okay? Get cigarettes. 100 00:07:30,149 --> 00:07:31,216 Let's go. Okay. 101 00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:35,251 Take me. Take me to your house. Take me right now to your house. 102 00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:38,457 Hey, Guy. Tank, hey. Tank, this is Renee. 103 00:07:38,591 --> 00:07:40,488 Yeah. Come here. Renee, Tank. 104 00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:43,228 Hey, okay. Two seconds. Talk to me for a second. 105 00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:45,794 Yeah, I'll talk to you all night. All right. 106 00:07:45,932 --> 00:07:48,660 Didn't I just save your ass? I just cleaned up your bed... 107 00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:52,769 And you're shitting in it again, okay? Aren't you getting fucking married? 108 00:07:53,072 --> 00:07:55,299 I am getting married... 109 00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:57,876 But not tonight. 110 00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:01,242 Renee. Renee, there she is. Josh. 111 00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:04,712 There she is. She's all mine. 112 00:08:08,688 --> 00:08:11,052 I have to work tomorrow. 113 00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:15,925 Everybody's gotta work tomorrow. It's Tuesday. 114 00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:20,861 Good one. I have a strict no sleepover policy. 115 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,968 Yeah. 116 00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:34,208 Come on, Tank, it's almost 5. 117 00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:39,145 For some people that's not tonight, it's tomorrow. 118 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,125 I hate those people. 119 00:09:05,311 --> 00:09:06,708 Shit. 120 00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:11,246 Dustin? Yeah, five minutes is fine. Okay, bye. 121 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,884 Dude. What the shit? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 122 00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:17,783 I told you this was happening. As of now, I'm training for the marathon. 123 00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:22,017 Goal: Run, don't walk. Nothing wrong with a little bit of discipline. 124 00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:23,660 By the way, you should try it. 125 00:09:23,796 --> 00:09:26,364 You need discipline like I need to miss my period. 126 00:09:26,532 --> 00:09:28,224 Seriously, you're already, like... 127 00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:31,732 A crazy, insane, OCD alpha dog... 128 00:09:31,871 --> 00:09:33,666 Cyborg crazy creature. 129 00:09:33,806 --> 00:09:35,305 You mean, I have a job? 130 00:09:35,441 --> 00:09:39,136 And now you're gonna wake me up at 5:15 every single morning... 131 00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:42,313 So that eventually you can run 26 miles in a circle. 132 00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:46,314 Here's the great part. You get to go back to sleep indefinitely. Yea! 133 00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:53,787 For the record, I am involved in a very taboo interoffice relationship. 134 00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:58,159 Morning. Good morning. 135 00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:02,230 Dustin, the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks. 136 00:10:02,368 --> 00:10:03,799 I'm from Lexington. 137 00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,833 Okay, bye. Bye. 138 00:10:05,972 --> 00:10:07,972 See you. Yeah. 139 00:10:13,813 --> 00:10:16,438 That's not the secret knock. 140 00:10:18,651 --> 00:10:20,810 That's the one. What's going on, Man? 141 00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:23,681 I need to move this into your room. Tonight is the night. 142 00:10:23,823 --> 00:10:27,359 And if all goes according to plan, consider this move permanent. 143 00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:31,063 "Lawrence of a Labia"? Yeah, in a moment of weakness... 144 00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:35,664 I bought the entire EFI. The Erotic Film Institute's top 100. Enjoy. 145 00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:38,234 Where did it go wrong? You have a serious problem. 146 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,462 Better than taking sexual frustrations out... 147 00:10:40,606 --> 00:10:43,300 On a parade of one night skanks I'll never see again. 148 00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:44,509 True. Good morning. 149 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,907 Hey, no, no, come here. This is Dusty, my roommate slash cousin. 150 00:10:48,047 --> 00:10:51,947 Not technically related. Our parents were friends until his mom walked out. 151 00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:55,483 Slash-fuckhead for bringing up bad family shit at inappropriate times. 152 00:10:55,621 --> 00:10:56,688 It's nice to meet you. 153 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,891 Nice to meet you. Fucking family. 154 00:10:59,025 --> 00:11:02,185 What's the plan? Bring this girl back here, pop open chloroform... 155 00:11:02,361 --> 00:11:04,258 Insert Tab A into Slot B, repeat? 156 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:07,091 No. Tonight is the night I tell her how I feel. 157 00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:10,791 Tank, this girl... This girl is my soul mate and it's time she knew that. 158 00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:13,301 Not if you want to fuck her. 159 00:11:13,439 --> 00:11:16,474 You, what is the nicest thing I've said to you since I met you? 160 00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:19,075 You complimented me on my technique. 161 00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,677 Okay, look, I'm not you, okay? 162 00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:24,007 I'm not gonna manipulate her, I'm not gonna con her. 163 00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:25,810 I'm just gonna be myself. No. 164 00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:29,351 Yourself is a repressed headcase that beats more meat than Rocky Balboa. 165 00:11:29,488 --> 00:11:33,115 By hiding porn, taking her to joints you hate, training for a marathon... 166 00:11:33,292 --> 00:11:36,657 You're not showing the real you. You're showing a highlight reel you. 167 00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:41,162 Thus, in fact, you're conning her. You don't get it. You don't get it. 168 00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:44,130 I love her. Alexis... 169 00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:46,668 Alexis is my angel. 170 00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:50,806 You get it, right? 171 00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:54,342 We don't get it. We don't. 172 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,638 Anyway, we can skip this "Call Me" scenario. 173 00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:57,974 I'm already late. Great. 174 00:12:05,916 --> 00:12:09,076 Dusty, this is absurd. 175 00:12:09,220 --> 00:12:11,345 What? You love steak, we're eating steak. 176 00:12:11,489 --> 00:12:15,218 You're a vegan. Not tonight. Eat, eat, eat. Enjoy. 177 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:21,323 I feel a little guilty loving steak so much and you're a vegan. 178 00:12:21,665 --> 00:12:23,528 But whatever. 179 00:12:24,068 --> 00:12:26,500 I love the way you eat. 180 00:12:27,004 --> 00:12:28,765 I love that you eat. 181 00:12:28,939 --> 00:12:31,064 I love that you pay. 182 00:12:34,345 --> 00:12:39,974 Seriously, though, I just love watching you do anything. 183 00:12:40,117 --> 00:12:43,015 I love it... I love you, Alexis. I love you. 184 00:12:47,658 --> 00:12:49,225 Oh, shit. 185 00:12:50,628 --> 00:12:56,223 We just said more than once we're gonna keep it light. 186 00:12:56,700 --> 00:13:00,395 We work together, we're friends. That's what I'm supposed to say. 187 00:13:00,538 --> 00:13:03,869 Right? I mean, I'm supposed to be the relationship tough guy, you know? 188 00:13:04,041 --> 00:13:05,199 I'm the dude. 189 00:13:05,376 --> 00:13:07,000 The dude can't just come out with: 190 00:13:07,178 --> 00:13:10,213 "I've loved you since the moment I first saw you, pounding out... 191 00:13:10,347 --> 00:13:12,472 A lender's agreement, eating Cocoa Puffs... 192 00:13:12,616 --> 00:13:14,650 While some pretty boy drooled over you." 193 00:13:14,785 --> 00:13:18,286 Michi Yamana. Yeah, Michi Yamana. Dick. 194 00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,750 So I love you, madly. 195 00:13:21,892 --> 00:13:23,721 Sorry. I... I... I know I need to stop. 196 00:13:23,861 --> 00:13:26,691 Now, stop. Just stop speaking, Dustin. Just shut your mouth. 197 00:13:26,831 --> 00:13:30,833 I'm sorry. Wow, Kamikaze, huh? See, this is what you do to me. 198 00:13:30,968 --> 00:13:32,968 What do I say here, but...? I'm sorry. 199 00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:35,832 But do you know how hard it's been trying to play it cool? 200 00:13:36,006 --> 00:13:37,664 It's been five weeks. I know. 201 00:13:37,842 --> 00:13:39,375 We haven't even had sex. 202 00:13:42,746 --> 00:13:46,509 Well, that's why we're here, Alexis. I wanted to talk to you about... 203 00:13:48,085 --> 00:13:49,982 I think I'm ready to take the next step. 204 00:13:51,422 --> 00:13:54,013 Sex isn't a step, Dustin. 205 00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:57,956 Being exclusive would be a step or moving in together is a step. 206 00:13:58,095 --> 00:13:59,594 Then let's move in together. 207 00:14:04,902 --> 00:14:06,492 I need you to take me home. 208 00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:10,002 But it just felt so right. It just felt so right. 209 00:14:10,174 --> 00:14:11,536 No, it does, it feels right. 210 00:14:11,709 --> 00:14:16,508 Just not right now. 211 00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:18,840 "Just not right now." 212 00:14:24,889 --> 00:14:26,354 Oh, God. 213 00:14:34,732 --> 00:14:36,697 God, I'm a fag. 214 00:14:41,038 --> 00:14:44,301 Dude, you canceled Spice. It was like 21 bucks a month, Dude. 215 00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:48,908 Someone had a rough night. 216 00:14:50,648 --> 00:14:52,409 I'm Mr. Right... 217 00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:55,414 Just not Mr. Right Now. 218 00:14:57,188 --> 00:15:00,553 What...? What does that even mean? What does that even mean? 219 00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:03,225 I told her I loved her... Oh, no. 220 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,018 What? 221 00:15:05,496 --> 00:15:09,532 I went in early. No, no, I know. I went in a little early, but she... 222 00:15:11,335 --> 00:15:15,303 Thanks for your support. Sweet. Dustin. 223 00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:19,336 Dusty, look. 224 00:15:19,510 --> 00:15:22,078 This too shall pass, all right? 225 00:15:22,246 --> 00:15:25,213 But that journey begins... 226 00:15:25,349 --> 00:15:27,417 With self exploration. 227 00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:29,846 And I'm holding the map, Dusty. 228 00:15:29,987 --> 00:15:31,486 Hey. 229 00:15:32,156 --> 00:15:34,884 Kid, I got your 'bate crate. 230 00:15:35,025 --> 00:15:37,059 You know how much you love your 'bate crate. 231 00:15:37,194 --> 00:15:39,489 "I'm like comfort food for your penis." 232 00:15:42,466 --> 00:15:44,591 What do I do? Okay. 233 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:47,235 What do you do? Okay, let's look at the options. 234 00:15:47,371 --> 00:15:51,100 Stalk her. But you're never gonna be with her. Love her from a distance. 235 00:15:51,275 --> 00:15:54,367 Never have a family but you could love her kids from a distance. 236 00:15:54,369 --> 00:15:57,632 Or I could just hire you. No. 237 00:15:57,672 --> 00:15:59,637 Why not? I don't fuck with family. 238 00:15:59,908 --> 00:16:03,136 Well, technically we're not blood related. Right? 239 00:16:03,278 --> 00:16:05,107 Go to bed, Dust. 240 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,271 You're serious. Okay. 241 00:16:08,417 --> 00:16:10,314 I'll get serious. 242 00:16:10,619 --> 00:16:12,710 If I do this... 243 00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:19,124 If I do this, I'm gonna make it the finest Tank-ing of my career. 244 00:16:19,294 --> 00:16:20,452 My fucking masterpiece. 245 00:16:20,629 --> 00:16:23,220 She'll lose her shit like a shit collector with amnesia. 246 00:16:23,398 --> 00:16:27,696 I'm talking about a Turkish twist, epic mindfuck of a Tank-ing, okay? 247 00:16:27,836 --> 00:16:32,532 Her brain'll be rocking back and forth in the shower for like three weeks. 248 00:16:32,674 --> 00:16:35,743 Okay? I'm talking about demonic fucking Tank. 249 00:16:35,877 --> 00:16:37,342 I'll be flying up into the sky. 250 00:16:37,479 --> 00:16:41,982 She's gonna cry tears that form "Call Dusty" on the ground. 251 00:16:42,117 --> 00:16:44,845 Yes? Am I doing it? Tell me I'm doing it. 252 00:16:47,022 --> 00:16:49,522 Okay, that was weird. And I'm not sure that... 253 00:16:49,658 --> 00:16:52,192 Listen, rain check, maybe though. 254 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:56,157 Wow, can't believe I almost resorted to emotional terrorism. I'm sorry. 255 00:16:56,331 --> 00:16:58,831 You're sweet. Next time with the next one, maybe. 256 00:16:58,967 --> 00:17:00,830 Thank you. I'm here. 257 00:17:02,471 --> 00:17:04,505 A little crazy. Sweet, crazy mostly. 258 00:17:09,978 --> 00:17:10,478 Don't say a word. 259 00:17:34,669 --> 00:17:37,033 God! Son of... 260 00:17:37,172 --> 00:17:41,106 Why? That stupid... 261 00:17:44,346 --> 00:17:46,846 Hi. Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction. 262 00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:48,379 How may I help you today? 263 00:17:48,517 --> 00:17:51,677 Excuse me, do you have any idea how long I was just on hold? 264 00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:53,751 It's been like an hour and a half. 265 00:17:53,889 --> 00:17:55,388 Hello. In your manual... 266 00:17:55,524 --> 00:17:58,184 You've expressed a possibility of some odor issues. 267 00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:03,090 "Faint aroma," it says here on page 7. Come on. "Faint aroma"? Bullshit. 268 00:18:03,265 --> 00:18:05,925 It smells like burnt fucking hair, Dude. 269 00:18:06,101 --> 00:18:10,535 Because apparently I paid 49.90 motherfucking 5... 270 00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:15,141 So that my sweet ass condo smells like some Korean cat barbecue. 271 00:18:15,277 --> 00:18:17,208 Touchdown. You lose. You lose. 272 00:18:17,345 --> 00:18:18,969 You suck. 273 00:18:19,814 --> 00:18:23,816 Sir, I will gladly give you a refund, but that's not gonna solve your problem. 274 00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:26,781 New girl. 275 00:18:29,224 --> 00:18:30,985 New girl 276 00:18:31,826 --> 00:18:33,484 Ooh, new girl 277 00:18:35,931 --> 00:18:37,760 Did the emotional terrorist win? 278 00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:40,934 I just... You know, it's funny. I never noticed your highlights... 279 00:18:41,069 --> 00:18:43,103 Until somebody actually said something. 280 00:18:43,271 --> 00:18:44,804 They're actually really good. 281 00:18:45,173 --> 00:18:47,764 Just tell me how it works. Let me make this clear. 282 00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:50,910 Before she can love you, she has to hate me. 283 00:18:51,046 --> 00:18:53,876 But before she can hate me, she has to like me. 284 00:18:54,015 --> 00:18:56,106 That may be the hardest part of the equation. 285 00:18:56,251 --> 00:18:57,579 So I set up the meet cute. 286 00:18:57,719 --> 00:19:00,014 In every movie, the stars meet in some cutesy way. 287 00:19:00,155 --> 00:19:03,190 Since every woman is looking for that dreamy, witty, goofy guy... 288 00:19:03,325 --> 00:19:06,861 Of their sitcom, rom com fantasies, I've gotta be that thing. 289 00:19:07,028 --> 00:19:08,254 Here. 290 00:19:08,430 --> 00:19:10,794 Lucky slap on the ass. Hit it. 291 00:19:46,534 --> 00:19:47,828 Are you okay? 292 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:54,740 That was rough. I'm Alexis. 293 00:20:04,252 --> 00:20:05,751 Wow, that looked really real. 294 00:20:06,888 --> 00:20:09,320 Is that real? It's real and it hurts. 295 00:20:09,457 --> 00:20:12,287 Okay. So, like, what happens now? You come back every day... 296 00:20:12,460 --> 00:20:15,324 For a couple weeks. Slowly, eventually you build her trust. 297 00:20:15,697 --> 00:20:18,231 Daddy bee's got the honey. That's her number. 298 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:21,196 Let's go eat. How...? How did...? 299 00:20:21,903 --> 00:20:24,836 Now, remember, she's classy. So maybe a fast food joint. 300 00:20:24,973 --> 00:20:26,836 Or wait, wait, drive through. 301 00:20:26,975 --> 00:20:29,942 Do I tell you what flavor of jam to eat out of your boss's ass? 302 00:20:30,078 --> 00:20:32,711 No. Dusty, it's what I do, okay? 303 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,988 You gotta trust me. She's not gonna know what hit her. 304 00:20:37,899 --> 00:20:39,599 All right. Good luck. 305 00:20:45,006 --> 00:20:47,040 Do not wear that, please. What am I doing? 306 00:20:47,175 --> 00:20:49,106 Just take this. This is what you're doing. 307 00:20:49,243 --> 00:20:52,938 Clean the pipes. It's mandatory to flush them out after a relationship. 308 00:20:53,081 --> 00:20:55,649 That's disgusting. But seriously, what's wrong with me? 309 00:20:55,783 --> 00:20:57,373 Dustin's a good guy. 310 00:20:57,518 --> 00:21:00,109 You're such a fucking girl sometimes. Pretty good guy. 311 00:21:00,254 --> 00:21:01,753 A good guy? Who cares? 312 00:21:01,889 --> 00:21:05,584 A good guy is, like, somebody that your parents dig or... 313 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:09,318 Listen to me. In the real world... Ami. I'm listening. 314 00:21:09,497 --> 00:21:12,088 In the real world... Yes. 315 00:21:12,266 --> 00:21:15,824 What if he's a good man with a good heart... 316 00:21:16,003 --> 00:21:19,095 And he's smart? And if he's not too rough on the eyes? 317 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:23,572 If "ifs" and "buts" were cocks and nuts, I'd be getting gangbanged right now. 318 00:21:23,711 --> 00:21:27,247 Seriously. But it's that I wanna teach you something that took me, like... 319 00:21:27,381 --> 00:21:29,847 Years and years of promiscuity to learn, okay? 320 00:21:29,984 --> 00:21:31,847 What is this outfit? It's aweso... 321 00:21:31,986 --> 00:21:33,849 Hey, how many guys have you slept with? 322 00:21:33,988 --> 00:21:36,818 Like, total? Three, right? Two. 323 00:21:38,593 --> 00:21:40,957 Two? I'm a serial monogamist. 324 00:21:41,129 --> 00:21:45,188 Well, okay. That's, like, the first big, huge problem right there. 325 00:21:45,366 --> 00:21:48,401 Didn't anybody ever tell you that you have to suck a few frogs... 326 00:21:48,536 --> 00:21:51,366 Before you get to suck a Prince? 327 00:21:51,506 --> 00:21:53,506 I believe it's "Kiss." 328 00:21:53,641 --> 00:21:55,470 Pretend it's a year abroad, you know? 329 00:21:55,610 --> 00:22:00,306 But instead of going to Europe, you're gonna bang a whole shitload of dudes. 330 00:22:00,448 --> 00:22:03,108 It's awesome. I haven't been drunk in a long time. 331 00:22:03,251 --> 00:22:05,512 Good. You need it. You need it. 332 00:22:05,653 --> 00:22:08,984 Now tell me something. What do you see in this box? 333 00:22:10,458 --> 00:22:14,255 I see into the... No, in the box. 334 00:22:14,762 --> 00:22:17,296 An inordinate amount of masturbatory aides... 335 00:22:17,431 --> 00:22:21,467 Which some, I pray, are novelty sized. 336 00:22:23,004 --> 00:22:25,595 Oh, my God. 337 00:22:26,140 --> 00:22:28,902 Okay, that will do nicely. 338 00:22:29,043 --> 00:22:31,509 You, show her a good time tonight. I love you. 339 00:22:31,646 --> 00:22:33,270 Show her a good time. I love you. 340 00:22:33,414 --> 00:22:35,709 Such a good time. Love you. Have a great night. 341 00:22:35,850 --> 00:22:37,144 Don't be scared without me. 342 00:22:37,285 --> 00:22:40,149 I'll be back. I'll be back. Yeah. I'll be waiting... 343 00:22:40,288 --> 00:22:43,414 She's my roommate. I bet she gives great head. 344 00:22:43,558 --> 00:22:46,058 Actually, I'm sure she does. 345 00:22:46,227 --> 00:22:47,794 You're pretty drunk. 346 00:22:47,962 --> 00:22:50,656 I'm pretty ready to rock. 347 00:22:53,134 --> 00:22:55,031 Oh, boy. 348 00:22:55,169 --> 00:22:57,863 Tank, is this a Mustang? 349 00:22:58,005 --> 00:22:59,402 It's a GTO. 350 00:23:00,107 --> 00:23:04,541 A... Whatever that means. Yeah. 351 00:23:05,413 --> 00:23:08,949 Well, listen, I just wanna warn you, my stereo's busted. 352 00:23:09,083 --> 00:23:11,583 Oh, that's cool. That's cool. 353 00:23:15,756 --> 00:23:20,623 Hey, this is my... I almost lost my virginity to this song. 354 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,165 Let's go. Yeah, let's go. 355 00:23:37,678 --> 00:23:41,009 This is a first, Tank. Yeah, me too. 356 00:23:41,148 --> 00:23:43,944 Should we sit front row and center? 357 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,983 Oh, wild. 358 00:23:49,357 --> 00:23:51,357 Yeah, can we get two Long Island Iced Teas? 359 00:23:51,492 --> 00:23:53,719 And put the chop chop on that, Lady. 360 00:23:53,895 --> 00:23:57,396 Could you make mine a double? And two shots of tequila, please. 361 00:24:03,404 --> 00:24:04,903 Okay, let's slow down, Princess. 362 00:24:05,039 --> 00:24:08,006 You're getting sloshed like it's your prom night here. 363 00:24:08,910 --> 00:24:12,377 I never went to prom. I never went. No shock there. I believe that. 364 00:24:12,513 --> 00:24:14,376 I had the date, I had the dress. 365 00:24:14,515 --> 00:24:17,209 But prom was the night my dog bit my sister in the neck... 366 00:24:17,351 --> 00:24:19,112 And we had to put him down. Shit. 367 00:24:19,253 --> 00:24:21,981 And I will never... Oh, my goodness. 368 00:24:22,123 --> 00:24:24,714 Ever forget the horror in little Fraggle's eyes... 369 00:24:24,859 --> 00:24:27,928 As his paw went limp in my hand. 370 00:24:28,095 --> 00:24:30,891 It was horrible. Blood. It was just, like: 371 00:24:31,065 --> 00:24:34,100 I'm sure that's not the only thing that's gone limp in your hand. 372 00:24:34,235 --> 00:24:37,168 I will say it. In all sincerity, that sucks hard. 373 00:24:37,305 --> 00:24:39,236 It's sad to lose a pet. 374 00:24:39,373 --> 00:24:41,202 Where do they learn how to do this? 375 00:24:41,342 --> 00:24:44,502 Well, I taught them a few things. I wanna know. 376 00:24:48,316 --> 00:24:50,441 That's incredible. 377 00:24:52,486 --> 00:24:54,577 What is that? 378 00:24:54,722 --> 00:24:58,019 What is that? I think we should just fuck tonight. 379 00:25:13,074 --> 00:25:15,665 That looks pretty. 380 00:25:15,810 --> 00:25:18,140 I'm gonna go pee. Got it. 381 00:25:20,915 --> 00:25:21,982 Hey, I can't talk. 382 00:25:22,116 --> 00:25:24,741 Where are you? I'm out, I'm seeing a band. 383 00:25:24,885 --> 00:25:27,510 They suck, but I'm seeing them so I really can't talk. 384 00:25:27,655 --> 00:25:30,849 Put your "Guitar Hero" down. What the fuck are you talking about? 385 00:25:30,992 --> 00:25:34,220 I'm not playing "Guitar Hero." It's Saturday night. I'm out. 386 00:25:34,395 --> 00:25:36,861 Just put it down. We have problems. 387 00:25:36,998 --> 00:25:38,292 All right. What's the story? 388 00:25:38,466 --> 00:25:42,969 I am drunk and he's either the biggest asshole in America... 389 00:25:43,137 --> 00:25:46,104 Or trying to convince me he's the biggest asshole in America. 390 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:50,299 Either way, even a broken clock is right twice a day, but this guy... 391 00:25:50,444 --> 00:25:53,104 Come on. How better to appreciate Dustin than to do this? 392 00:25:53,247 --> 00:25:55,815 Than to bang this guy, who's obviously far inferior... 393 00:25:55,950 --> 00:25:59,019 But probably hung like Seabiscuit. Right? 394 00:25:59,153 --> 00:26:03,019 Now go. Go and bang. Bang like you have never "Bung" before. 395 00:26:03,157 --> 00:26:05,748 And do it for Dustin. 396 00:26:07,661 --> 00:26:09,058 Jesus. 397 00:26:09,230 --> 00:26:11,696 Baby doll... Hi. 398 00:26:11,832 --> 00:26:13,160 Hi. I'm Alexis. 399 00:26:13,300 --> 00:26:15,231 Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. 400 00:26:15,369 --> 00:26:19,030 And when it comes to love, there's only one thing you can trust. 401 00:26:19,173 --> 00:26:22,208 It's not your friends, it's not your head. 402 00:26:22,343 --> 00:26:25,708 It's that little voice inside your clamburger. 403 00:26:29,517 --> 00:26:31,847 "Listen to me." 404 00:26:40,528 --> 00:26:43,153 Watch this. It's a game. It's called "Who's at the Door?" 405 00:26:43,330 --> 00:26:45,227 And I look out the peephole. 406 00:26:45,599 --> 00:26:47,360 It's the mailman. 407 00:26:51,939 --> 00:26:55,031 Would it hurt you to play with her tits? Help me out. 408 00:26:57,278 --> 00:26:58,970 You can stay there. That's good. 409 00:26:59,113 --> 00:27:01,579 Oh, you grab that. I'll get the next one. 410 00:27:01,715 --> 00:27:04,113 There won't be a next time. Lucky me. 411 00:27:10,324 --> 00:27:14,383 And our motto, basically, is, "Without air, we..." 412 00:27:14,562 --> 00:27:17,062 "Without air, we cannot live." 413 00:27:17,598 --> 00:27:18,630 Stop. Right. 414 00:27:18,799 --> 00:27:21,333 I get it. You're a dick. 415 00:27:21,469 --> 00:27:23,867 I'm sufficiently offended. 416 00:27:24,171 --> 00:27:25,795 Done. 417 00:27:48,429 --> 00:27:51,327 Coming up? 418 00:28:03,844 --> 00:28:05,844 Suit yourself. 419 00:28:07,915 --> 00:28:10,882 Enjoy the long ride home. 420 00:28:18,259 --> 00:28:19,553 I'm going home, okay? 421 00:28:19,693 --> 00:28:21,761 Why am I going home? Because I'm going home. 422 00:28:21,896 --> 00:28:26,092 I'm getting in the car. Eyes in the game and the head in the ball. 423 00:28:26,233 --> 00:28:28,028 Can't do it. 424 00:28:28,045 --> 00:28:32,081 And you're gonna go home and maybe she'll call you mañana. 425 00:28:32,216 --> 00:28:34,113 Why would she call me? She'll call Dusty. 426 00:28:34,251 --> 00:28:37,286 Because she's what? Dusty's girlfriend. Follow the bouncing ball. 427 00:28:37,421 --> 00:28:40,149 She is Dusty's girlfriend. 428 00:28:40,824 --> 00:28:42,789 Listen to me. 429 00:28:46,163 --> 00:28:50,131 What is wrong with you, Asshole? 430 00:29:02,980 --> 00:29:08,677 You asked me to trust you. 431 00:29:09,486 --> 00:29:12,419 And I trusted you. Done. 432 00:29:12,956 --> 00:29:14,045 Somehow. 433 00:29:14,191 --> 00:29:15,952 Some way. 434 00:29:18,362 --> 00:29:19,929 Thank you. 435 00:29:24,735 --> 00:29:26,496 Dude, you did it. She just called. 436 00:29:26,637 --> 00:29:29,365 Okay, quote, "I just had the worst night of my life." 437 00:29:29,506 --> 00:29:32,166 "I just had the worst night of my life." You did it, Man. 438 00:29:32,309 --> 00:29:33,637 We're having lunch tomorrow. 439 00:29:33,777 --> 00:29:35,868 Tank, we're having lunch. Can you believe it? 440 00:29:36,013 --> 00:29:39,207 Dude, when it comes to being an asshole, you are a genius. 441 00:29:39,349 --> 00:29:41,349 Genius. 442 00:29:44,421 --> 00:29:46,045 Anything for a friend. 443 00:29:47,524 --> 00:29:50,923 So about the other night. 444 00:29:51,094 --> 00:29:53,162 Okay, I was stupid. I was stupid. 445 00:29:53,330 --> 00:29:57,093 It's just... I've never gone this far with a girl, emotionally. 446 00:29:57,234 --> 00:29:59,234 And I just lost it. Slow down. Slow down. 447 00:29:59,369 --> 00:30:01,460 I was stupid and harsh... 448 00:30:01,605 --> 00:30:03,104 And I'm sorry. 449 00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:06,605 Last night I went out with a real asshole. Horrible. 450 00:30:06,743 --> 00:30:09,368 It just made me realize that guys like you are so rare. 451 00:30:11,682 --> 00:30:14,080 But it also made me realize how few guys I've dated. 452 00:30:14,217 --> 00:30:16,308 How few guys I've actually gone out with. 453 00:30:16,453 --> 00:30:19,021 Like, none. I need to date and you need to date... 454 00:30:19,156 --> 00:30:22,089 Other people. I'm just saying that... 455 00:30:22,225 --> 00:30:26,557 What I'm trying to say is that I wanna start over as friends first. 456 00:30:26,730 --> 00:30:29,230 Like, be friends. 457 00:30:29,366 --> 00:30:31,764 I like you as my friend. 458 00:30:38,575 --> 00:30:40,404 Start over... 459 00:30:40,544 --> 00:30:42,771 As friends first. Friends. 460 00:30:42,913 --> 00:30:44,947 Like Harry and Sally. 461 00:30:48,285 --> 00:30:51,912 I think the point of that movie was that men and women can't just be friends. 462 00:30:52,055 --> 00:30:55,056 No, no, no, they can be just friends... 463 00:30:55,192 --> 00:30:58,022 Even date other people, as long as they end up together... 464 00:30:58,195 --> 00:31:00,991 In the end. As long as they end up together, right? 465 00:31:01,164 --> 00:31:02,322 Yeah. 466 00:31:02,499 --> 00:31:08,265 This is fun. You know, I'm gonna go because my sister is getting married. 467 00:31:08,405 --> 00:31:10,439 It's an on again, off again, on again thing. 468 00:31:10,574 --> 00:31:14,269 She's freaking out, treating me like her assistant so I'm running all over. 469 00:31:14,411 --> 00:31:16,945 I'm really glad we had this talk, you know? 470 00:31:19,516 --> 00:31:22,050 Dude. You check out that sandwich they got downstairs? 471 00:31:22,185 --> 00:31:24,480 Bread is, like, two slices of freaking pizza, Man. 472 00:31:24,621 --> 00:31:25,949 Only in America. Fuck me. 473 00:31:26,089 --> 00:31:29,625 Clean air probably shouldn't stink like flaming ass nougat. 474 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:31,794 I got a real fucking tough guy over here. 475 00:31:31,928 --> 00:31:35,429 I got a guy on the verge of a five state killing spree. Do you wanna? 476 00:31:35,565 --> 00:31:37,724 Ready? Three, two, one. 477 00:31:37,901 --> 00:31:40,936 Let me transfer you to my supervisor. Let me transfer you to my supervisor. 478 00:31:41,104 --> 00:31:43,502 Make me proud. Kill it. 479 00:31:44,041 --> 00:31:46,166 Hi, this is Supervisor Eugene Lenay. 480 00:31:46,309 --> 00:31:48,274 How may I help you? How may I help you? 481 00:31:50,047 --> 00:31:51,614 Please hold. Please hold. 482 00:31:54,418 --> 00:31:56,611 Treat her like a bowling ball. 483 00:31:56,753 --> 00:31:58,081 Strike. 484 00:31:58,221 --> 00:31:59,948 Dust, hold on one second, all right? 485 00:32:00,090 --> 00:32:03,284 Sir, I looked into the problem and it'll actually fix itself. 486 00:32:03,460 --> 00:32:05,050 What's up, Kid? You failed, Tank. 487 00:32:05,228 --> 00:32:07,091 She wants to see other people. 488 00:32:07,264 --> 00:32:09,093 She said she wants to see other people? 489 00:32:09,232 --> 00:32:11,766 She did. That's why you're gonna take her out again. 490 00:32:11,935 --> 00:32:14,503 Except this time, you're gonna get seriously diabolical. 491 00:32:14,638 --> 00:32:17,104 I'm talking public defecation. 492 00:32:17,240 --> 00:32:20,832 Dust, you're freaking me out here, okay? Tank-ing is a subtle art. 493 00:32:20,977 --> 00:32:23,773 You can't go in there crazy like a dragon with a hemorrhoid. 494 00:32:23,914 --> 00:32:27,006 Besides, what makes you think she'd ever wanna speak to me again? 495 00:32:28,151 --> 00:32:30,116 Don't worry, I'm taking care of that. 496 00:32:30,253 --> 00:32:32,617 No, you're not. You do... Dust. 497 00:32:32,923 --> 00:32:34,456 Don't do anything, okay? Listen. 498 00:32:36,093 --> 00:32:38,753 I have to teach a training seminar 10 minutes ago. Dusty? 499 00:32:40,831 --> 00:32:42,262 All right. 500 00:32:44,134 --> 00:32:46,395 You're late, Tank. I know. 501 00:32:47,237 --> 00:32:48,895 You're Tank, right? Are you a cop? 502 00:32:49,039 --> 00:32:51,903 No, Roger's friend Sonny said you fix things. 503 00:32:52,042 --> 00:32:53,234 Walk with me. 504 00:32:53,376 --> 00:32:54,500 You're late. Thank you. 505 00:32:54,644 --> 00:32:57,872 I'm going crazy without her. Shit in the bed and roll around crazy. 506 00:32:58,014 --> 00:32:59,103 You're late. Shut up. 507 00:32:59,249 --> 00:33:01,647 Okay, Religious Girl. How do I bump into her? 508 00:33:01,785 --> 00:33:02,943 You're late. No shit. 509 00:33:03,086 --> 00:33:04,949 She's a high school English teacher. 510 00:33:05,088 --> 00:33:08,316 Guy can't really hang around a high school these days, unfortunately. 511 00:33:08,458 --> 00:33:10,458 She gets her hair done Tuesdays. Love it. 512 00:33:10,627 --> 00:33:14,219 What'd you do? Foot in your mouth? Foot long in somebody's mouth? Facts. 513 00:33:14,397 --> 00:33:17,728 Let's say you're gonna have to be a real asshole to make me look good. 514 00:33:17,868 --> 00:33:19,401 It's what I do. 515 00:33:19,536 --> 00:33:21,797 You're late. Yes. 516 00:33:21,938 --> 00:33:24,233 Everybody, you're late. Don't let it happen again. 517 00:33:24,374 --> 00:33:25,736 I'm Tank and I will be brief. 518 00:33:25,876 --> 00:33:28,342 Here at Airmeister we have two rules. 519 00:33:28,478 --> 00:33:30,478 No refunds. 520 00:33:30,614 --> 00:33:34,673 The beauty of an air purifier is that nobody can prove that it doesn't work. 521 00:33:34,818 --> 00:33:38,183 Amanda, you saucy tart. I want somebody really pissed off. 522 00:33:38,321 --> 00:33:40,685 I'm talking about DEFCON 2 level of anger. 523 00:33:40,824 --> 00:33:42,152 Who do you got for me, Baby? 524 00:33:42,292 --> 00:33:46,385 I have just the one for you. She's furious and asked for you by name. 525 00:33:46,563 --> 00:33:48,130 Put her through. 526 00:33:50,634 --> 00:33:54,636 Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction. How may I help you? 527 00:33:54,771 --> 00:33:56,702 Before we even discuss what I received... 528 00:33:56,840 --> 00:33:58,635 Which is a whole other mystery... 529 00:33:58,775 --> 00:34:00,740 I demand an explanation for yesterday. 530 00:34:00,877 --> 00:34:03,946 Ma'am, I'm fully concerned. What happened yesterday? 531 00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:06,239 Are you gay? Or are you just an asshole? 532 00:34:06,383 --> 00:34:11,113 Oh, Ma'am. Profanity is superfluous because no verbal affront... 533 00:34:11,254 --> 00:34:14,414 Could be as devastating to me as your dissatisfaction. 534 00:34:14,558 --> 00:34:16,125 Dissatisfaction? 535 00:34:16,259 --> 00:34:20,796 Yes, I mean if the unit's performance or lack thereof has left you frustrated... 536 00:34:20,931 --> 00:34:24,296 See, I never saw your unit. I gave you a chance and you didn't deliver. 537 00:34:24,434 --> 00:34:26,195 Ma'am, you're upset. 538 00:34:26,336 --> 00:34:30,338 I'm upset. I'm upset that you will never, ever know what it's like... 539 00:34:30,473 --> 00:34:34,441 To sit on a hot, sweaty summer night... 540 00:34:34,578 --> 00:34:38,409 And let that unit blow its glorious bounty all over your face. 541 00:34:39,282 --> 00:34:41,509 You think after the shit you put me through... 542 00:34:41,651 --> 00:34:45,482 That I called just so you could talk dirty to me? 543 00:34:45,622 --> 00:34:48,213 I gave you a one time free hall pass for sex. 544 00:34:48,358 --> 00:34:49,948 Good sex. Hot sex. 545 00:34:50,126 --> 00:34:52,990 I... I... I fucking roofied myself. 546 00:34:55,098 --> 00:34:56,529 I'm a little confused. Amanda? 547 00:34:56,666 --> 00:34:58,529 You're confused? That makes two of us... 548 00:34:58,668 --> 00:35:01,828 Because I don't know what kind of asshole acts like an asshole... 549 00:35:01,972 --> 00:35:06,065 And then when it actually comes time to be an asshole, walks away. 550 00:35:06,209 --> 00:35:08,106 Like a total asshole. 551 00:35:08,245 --> 00:35:10,939 Making me look like an even bigger asshole... 552 00:35:11,081 --> 00:35:16,380 For offering some big ass asshole asshole sex in the first place. 553 00:35:16,519 --> 00:35:18,587 What kind of asshole are you? 554 00:35:21,024 --> 00:35:23,285 This is actually a personal call. 555 00:35:23,493 --> 00:35:25,322 Dude, you are so hired. 556 00:35:25,729 --> 00:35:27,660 Excuse me for a second. 557 00:35:27,964 --> 00:35:29,429 Shit. 558 00:35:29,833 --> 00:35:31,127 Asshole. 559 00:35:46,116 --> 00:35:48,810 Sorry. Offer expired. 560 00:35:54,891 --> 00:35:59,451 Did you really think roses and a poem would give you a second chance? 561 00:35:59,629 --> 00:36:02,095 You rhymed "Apology" with "Apologetically." 562 00:36:02,232 --> 00:36:04,664 I'm... I just felt bad, okay? 563 00:36:04,801 --> 00:36:06,835 You're right, I do owe you an explanation. 564 00:36:06,970 --> 00:36:09,538 I didn't sleep with you because you're not attractive. 565 00:36:09,673 --> 00:36:11,104 There, I said it. Oh, thanks. 566 00:36:11,241 --> 00:36:13,332 Thank you so much because you saved me... 567 00:36:13,476 --> 00:36:16,067 From what could've been the worst decision of my life. 568 00:36:16,212 --> 00:36:18,371 And I've eaten sushi in Tijuana. One nothing. 569 00:36:18,515 --> 00:36:21,209 You're below my standards. Even for a one night pity fuck. 570 00:36:21,351 --> 00:36:25,547 And I've taken down some real hogs. Yeah, hogs, cows, sheep. 571 00:36:25,689 --> 00:36:28,155 I bet your sex life is a regular heavy petting zoo. 572 00:36:28,291 --> 00:36:30,518 You know what? You're what we call a two bagger. 573 00:36:30,660 --> 00:36:32,751 That means I have to wear a bag on my head... 574 00:36:32,929 --> 00:36:35,293 Just in case the one on yours breaks. 575 00:36:35,732 --> 00:36:37,424 You sure it's not just a size thing? 576 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:41,466 Because it's gotta be tough standing at a urinal, pissing on your own testicles. 577 00:36:41,604 --> 00:36:43,569 At least I can hide my shame in my pants. 578 00:36:43,707 --> 00:36:45,468 What really sucks is having an ass... 579 00:36:45,608 --> 00:36:49,235 The size of a miniature Mediterranean donkey. That suck... 580 00:36:49,980 --> 00:36:51,809 Don't... You think that's too big? 581 00:36:51,948 --> 00:36:54,312 You think that's too small? 582 00:37:12,469 --> 00:37:15,129 So you said do nothing, but I did something, totally small. 583 00:37:15,271 --> 00:37:18,499 I sent her a couple hundred bucks worth of roses and a kick ass poem. 584 00:37:18,641 --> 00:37:20,538 A few stanzas, no big deal. Did she call? 585 00:37:20,944 --> 00:37:22,204 No, she didn't. 586 00:37:22,345 --> 00:37:25,278 Dusty, these women, they have a way of getting into our head. 587 00:37:25,415 --> 00:37:27,415 I'm gonna give you some fresh perspective. 588 00:37:27,550 --> 00:37:29,641 Listen to me. This girl, I'm getting a hunch. 589 00:37:29,786 --> 00:37:31,281 She's built for destruction. 590 00:37:31,325 --> 00:37:34,058 Yeah. It's time to let her go. Maybe get some... You know. 591 00:37:34,079 --> 00:37:35,524 Just let her go. Move on. 592 00:37:35,531 --> 00:37:38,464 I love her, Tank. I care more about this girl than I do myself. 593 00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:41,032 You will never understand that. It's new to me. 594 00:37:41,169 --> 00:37:43,430 She said she wants to be friends. 595 00:37:45,374 --> 00:37:47,101 You know what? I'll give her a friend. 596 00:37:48,744 --> 00:37:50,573 I'll be the best goddamn friend she ever had. 597 00:38:21,543 --> 00:38:22,871 Today was a good day for us. 598 00:38:23,045 --> 00:38:25,409 We made eye contact, although I couldn't gauge... 599 00:38:26,782 --> 00:38:27,871 I gotta run. 600 00:38:39,628 --> 00:38:40,660 Turn. 601 00:38:48,303 --> 00:38:49,961 She's really tough to read. 602 00:38:50,105 --> 00:38:51,502 Really tough to read. 603 00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:56,006 I felt like... I felt like she was a bit distracted. 604 00:38:58,413 --> 00:39:00,777 Totally. Hey, can we do this later? 605 00:39:36,718 --> 00:39:38,581 It's hot. 606 00:39:43,225 --> 00:39:44,917 Where you going? 607 00:40:08,283 --> 00:40:10,510 She's seeing someone. 608 00:40:12,721 --> 00:40:14,152 Dusty. 609 00:40:14,289 --> 00:40:16,880 What are you doing? You're scaring the shit out of me. 610 00:40:17,025 --> 00:40:19,685 Sitting in the dark like a vampire, you creepy weirdo. 611 00:40:19,828 --> 00:40:21,896 She's seeing someone. 612 00:40:22,964 --> 00:40:26,556 We don't go out at night. I get her voice mail after 10. 613 00:40:26,702 --> 00:40:28,793 She's seeing someone. 614 00:40:28,937 --> 00:40:31,665 And I'm gonna find out who. I'm gonna take back "Weirdo." 615 00:40:31,807 --> 00:40:34,298 You're giving off more of a full blown serial psycho... 616 00:40:34,543 --> 00:40:36,374 Crawlspace full of skin sombreros vibe. 617 00:40:36,645 --> 00:40:37,939 Stop. Intervention time. 618 00:40:38,113 --> 00:40:40,481 It's time to forget about Alexis. Look at me, all right? 619 00:40:40,649 --> 00:40:45,413 It's time to wipe the cobwebs off your cock and stick something. 620 00:40:45,687 --> 00:40:47,550 I don't think she'd be cool with that. 621 00:40:47,689 --> 00:40:51,225 Look at me, please. You definitely... You don't need her permission. 622 00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:52,586 You need to get laid. 623 00:40:52,728 --> 00:40:55,490 And if you'll listen to me, I bet I could make that happen. 624 00:40:55,631 --> 00:40:58,962 This is one of the most important things that any man can do. 625 00:40:59,101 --> 00:41:00,634 A haircut? 626 00:41:01,003 --> 00:41:03,003 Yes, Dusty, a haircut. Look at me. 627 00:41:03,138 --> 00:41:05,502 You look like Chewbacca and Sasquatch had a baby... 628 00:41:05,641 --> 00:41:08,107 The baby took a shit, and that shit was blinded... 629 00:41:08,243 --> 00:41:09,970 Moments before styling your hair. 630 00:41:10,112 --> 00:41:13,010 A bit harsh. Appointment for Dusty, please. 631 00:41:13,181 --> 00:41:14,873 Grab a seat. 632 00:41:16,718 --> 00:41:19,286 Great article. I've read that. Sorry to interrupt. 633 00:41:20,489 --> 00:41:23,080 My associate here is looking for a stylist he can trust. 634 00:41:23,225 --> 00:41:27,523 And this place was recommended to us by a woman in our prayer group. 635 00:41:28,130 --> 00:41:30,562 Well, is he looking for something simple or? 636 00:41:30,699 --> 00:41:33,393 Maybe a what would Jesus do. 637 00:41:37,139 --> 00:41:39,730 I'm Hilary. Hilary, my name is Tank. 638 00:41:39,875 --> 00:41:41,840 This is Dustin. Hi. 639 00:41:43,779 --> 00:41:47,246 So I've got an $85 haircut so you could have a meet cute? 640 00:41:47,249 --> 00:41:49,283 Oh, it's $ 110. Worth every penny. 641 00:41:49,418 --> 00:41:51,349 In return, I'm gonna get you a date with... 642 00:41:51,486 --> 00:41:55,249 Let's just call her a confidence booster. A slow, fat one down the middle. 643 00:41:55,390 --> 00:41:57,014 I hope that's a baseball metaphor. 644 00:41:57,159 --> 00:42:00,319 This pitch is in your wheelhouse. Grand slam, upper deck. Game over. 645 00:42:00,462 --> 00:42:03,087 Hey, Beauty Queen. Hey, I have a question. I'm sorry. 646 00:42:03,231 --> 00:42:05,356 I've got these little... Is there any way...? 647 00:42:05,500 --> 00:42:07,329 Yeah. 648 00:42:08,403 --> 00:42:09,970 Shit. I'm so sorry. 649 00:42:10,105 --> 00:42:12,537 No, I'm sorry. Sorry. 650 00:42:12,674 --> 00:42:16,505 Is there any other way we could...? Yeah, okay. 651 00:42:16,678 --> 00:42:19,178 Guess what. We're all set for tonight. 652 00:42:19,781 --> 00:42:21,542 Okay, hold still. 653 00:42:22,884 --> 00:42:26,078 What about, like, frosting my tips? 654 00:42:26,221 --> 00:42:27,515 What are you, a Mini Wheat? 655 00:42:27,656 --> 00:42:30,623 Listen, this girl's not Alexis. She's got a bed built for sex... 656 00:42:30,759 --> 00:42:32,918 Not stuffed animals. Wait, what? 657 00:42:33,061 --> 00:42:36,028 How do you know that Alexis has stuffed animals on her bed? 658 00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:46,507 Wait. Oh, my. 659 00:42:46,642 --> 00:42:49,404 Fuck. Oh, my God... 660 00:42:49,544 --> 00:42:52,010 This stuff happens in salons. Sometimes it's fixable. 661 00:42:52,180 --> 00:42:54,145 Tell him it's fixable. I'm gonna throw up. 662 00:42:54,282 --> 00:42:56,145 Make-up, little shading, maybe some glue. 663 00:42:56,284 --> 00:42:57,783 How about an eyebrow toupee? 664 00:42:57,919 --> 00:43:00,112 Where's my eyebrow? I don't know what to say. 665 00:43:00,255 --> 00:43:03,222 Oh, God, kill me. Kill me. Kill me! Where's my eyebrow? 666 00:43:03,358 --> 00:43:04,447 That's a new look. 667 00:43:04,593 --> 00:43:07,457 You can fix it, right? Sure, just pop into my DeLorean. 668 00:43:07,596 --> 00:43:09,323 It's in the back. Don't be a bitch. 669 00:43:09,464 --> 00:43:12,533 You're the bitch, bitch. Hey, Gossip Girls. Focus on my friend. 670 00:43:12,668 --> 00:43:15,362 He's follicly deformed. Fuck my fucking mother. 671 00:43:15,504 --> 00:43:19,131 Let's come up with this... Dusty, unless one's missing, nobody's gonna notice. 672 00:43:19,274 --> 00:43:20,432 Yeah. 673 00:43:20,575 --> 00:43:24,406 Come here. Come here, sit down. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 674 00:43:25,013 --> 00:43:27,104 You gotta be brave, Man. 675 00:43:28,116 --> 00:43:29,911 Oh, my God. 676 00:43:30,485 --> 00:43:32,382 Do it. It's good. Come on. It's gonna... 677 00:43:32,521 --> 00:43:34,953 You know what? I think it's gonna look great. 678 00:43:35,090 --> 00:43:38,489 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's gonna be really hot. 679 00:43:39,594 --> 00:43:41,559 It better be hot. Yeah. 680 00:43:44,599 --> 00:43:46,360 Fuck. 681 00:43:47,069 --> 00:43:49,797 Bad, bad times. 682 00:43:51,506 --> 00:43:53,301 Oh, my fucking shit. 683 00:43:55,043 --> 00:43:56,667 I'm coming. 684 00:43:59,414 --> 00:44:01,846 Oh, those are lovely. 685 00:44:02,551 --> 00:44:06,417 And I see you've got a hairstyle change. 686 00:44:06,555 --> 00:44:10,455 True. Come on in. I won't bite. 687 00:44:14,013 --> 00:44:16,104 They told me you were taller. 688 00:44:17,283 --> 00:44:19,817 Just for peace of mind, the father of this child is? 689 00:44:19,985 --> 00:44:23,612 In the middle of a brutal divorce with the mother of this child. 690 00:44:23,693 --> 00:44:24,919 Here you go. 691 00:44:24,961 --> 00:44:27,393 Lilies. Thoughtful. 692 00:44:28,605 --> 00:44:30,605 My friend said he was one of the good guys. 693 00:44:30,977 --> 00:44:34,740 I've been known to be a bit of a dog sometimes. 694 00:44:35,565 --> 00:44:37,064 Should I take those? Oh, yes. 695 00:44:38,668 --> 00:44:40,736 I'm sorry, sitter's running a bit late. 696 00:44:40,870 --> 00:44:43,700 Can I get you something to drink, Cutie? 697 00:44:45,516 --> 00:44:47,379 I'll have what he's having. 698 00:44:47,518 --> 00:44:49,984 What the fuck? What just happened? 699 00:44:50,120 --> 00:44:52,552 He just said he wants... I just, I said... 700 00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:54,951 He looked at Liam, licked his lips and said: 701 00:44:55,092 --> 00:44:57,626 "I'll have what he's having." Okay, but what I meant... 702 00:44:57,645 --> 00:44:58,938 You wanna breast feed. What? 703 00:44:58,994 --> 00:45:00,322 I was just joking... 704 00:45:00,462 --> 00:45:01,927 Can we just start over? Hi. 705 00:45:02,064 --> 00:45:05,725 I just wanna start... Sorry, Laney, we don't need a sitter. 706 00:45:05,868 --> 00:45:08,960 Groucho here made a mark about suckling at my teat... 707 00:45:09,104 --> 00:45:11,365 And stealing my baby's milk... 708 00:45:11,507 --> 00:45:13,666 And is consequently leaving. Okay. 709 00:45:13,809 --> 00:45:16,070 Get the fuck out! Okay, I'm really sorry. 710 00:45:16,211 --> 00:45:18,506 I'm just... I'm sorry. No. No more. Just get out. 711 00:45:18,681 --> 00:45:21,249 I'm really sorry. Go, go. 712 00:45:22,317 --> 00:45:23,884 Come here. 713 00:45:28,624 --> 00:45:31,124 You got shot down... 714 00:45:31,260 --> 00:45:34,329 In a blaze of glory. 715 00:45:35,164 --> 00:45:37,164 You cost me a job, Man. 716 00:45:37,299 --> 00:45:41,426 I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. How much? 717 00:45:41,570 --> 00:45:44,400 Forty... Fifty if it's past 11. Okay. 718 00:45:44,540 --> 00:45:47,700 Here's 60 for your trouble. I'm really sorry. 719 00:45:47,843 --> 00:45:49,604 Sweet. 720 00:45:49,745 --> 00:45:53,611 Hey, for another 60, I'll jerk you off in the parking garage. 721 00:45:54,483 --> 00:45:58,246 Jesus. Do I really look that desperate? 722 00:46:26,262 --> 00:46:28,387 Alexis! 723 00:46:28,531 --> 00:46:30,599 Alexis! 724 00:46:31,500 --> 00:46:33,227 Alexis, I love you! 725 00:46:33,669 --> 00:46:37,637 I love you, Alexis. I can't just be friends, okay? 726 00:46:38,140 --> 00:46:40,435 Alexis, come to the door. 727 00:46:42,745 --> 00:46:44,506 Come on. 728 00:46:45,514 --> 00:46:46,603 Oh, Dobler. Hey, hey. 729 00:46:46,782 --> 00:46:50,716 Hi there. I'm so sorry, your BFF's upstairs with another guy. 730 00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:53,484 Holy shit, what is going on with your eyebrows? 731 00:46:53,622 --> 00:46:57,522 Seriously, I think there's something... I'm sorry. She's got a guy up there? 732 00:46:57,660 --> 00:47:00,456 But they're just hanging out, right? Is she seeing this guy? 733 00:47:00,596 --> 00:47:02,755 No, no, no. No, no, just an occasional bang. 734 00:47:02,898 --> 00:47:05,398 No, no. God, no. How many times have they gone out? 735 00:47:05,534 --> 00:47:08,694 How many times have they...? Not... They don't go out ever. 736 00:47:08,837 --> 00:47:11,735 No, he just comes over and he bangs, and then he leaves. 737 00:47:12,141 --> 00:47:14,300 What? You know, she's doing this all for you. 738 00:47:14,443 --> 00:47:17,979 Think about it. She's up there with her knees by her ears, getting railed... 739 00:47:18,147 --> 00:47:20,841 So one day she can settle down with a nice boy like you. 740 00:47:21,016 --> 00:47:22,549 I love her. I love her. Dustin. 741 00:47:22,718 --> 00:47:25,616 You'd better be ready. I'm serious. Alexis. 742 00:47:25,921 --> 00:47:28,353 Alexis. Ale... 743 00:47:31,560 --> 00:47:34,493 Dustin, what are you doing here? 744 00:47:35,264 --> 00:47:37,730 What is he doing here? Well, this is my... 745 00:47:37,866 --> 00:47:39,695 It's Tank. 746 00:47:41,370 --> 00:47:44,371 This is the guy you're with? No, I'm not with anyone. 747 00:47:44,506 --> 00:47:46,369 I'm not... We're not together. 748 00:47:46,508 --> 00:47:49,304 I mean, no offense, Tank, but we're not... 749 00:47:49,545 --> 00:47:52,170 I told you. I told you that I was gonna get out there... 750 00:47:52,348 --> 00:47:55,212 And I was gonna see other people and I was gonna date... 751 00:47:55,351 --> 00:47:57,351 And get some experience under my belt... 752 00:47:57,486 --> 00:48:01,613 And live my life a little bit. For once in my life, do something like that... 753 00:48:01,757 --> 00:48:04,052 And that's exactly what I'm doing. 754 00:48:07,162 --> 00:48:09,162 Should I go? Yes. 755 00:48:09,632 --> 00:48:10,858 I'm gonna go. No, no, no. 756 00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:11,998 Yeah. Yeah. Tank. 757 00:48:12,134 --> 00:48:14,600 You know what? I'll go. No, you don't go, you stay. 758 00:48:14,737 --> 00:48:18,102 I should get going, I have a big day tomorrow. My roommate's moving out. 759 00:48:18,240 --> 00:48:19,307 I have shit to do too. 760 00:48:19,441 --> 00:48:20,633 Really? Bye. 761 00:48:20,776 --> 00:48:22,901 I'll call you later. I'll call you later. 762 00:48:23,078 --> 00:48:24,406 No, after you. No, you go. 763 00:48:24,580 --> 00:48:26,375 No, no, please, Tank. You go first. 764 00:48:26,548 --> 00:48:28,172 All right. Fine. 765 00:48:31,854 --> 00:48:34,252 How can I trust you? I don't know. 766 00:48:34,390 --> 00:48:38,221 Hey, I wasn't kidding. You're out by tomorrow morning. 767 00:48:40,529 --> 00:48:42,187 Dusty... 768 00:48:52,341 --> 00:48:54,136 I thought so. 769 00:48:59,815 --> 00:49:02,543 So we remember the words of Betty Friedan: 770 00:49:02,818 --> 00:49:07,014 "A woman has got to be able to say, and not feel guilty: 771 00:49:08,190 --> 00:49:09,882 'Who am I... 772 00:49:10,826 --> 00:49:13,417 And what do I want out of life?"' 773 00:49:14,130 --> 00:49:16,521 That's why my Women's Studies program will be focused... 774 00:49:16,666 --> 00:49:21,328 On the liberation, celebration and exploration... 775 00:49:25,007 --> 00:49:26,438 Of you... 776 00:49:30,146 --> 00:49:31,679 And you... 777 00:49:34,617 --> 00:49:36,241 And you. 778 00:49:38,054 --> 00:49:42,056 Enjoy your weekend, and please try to do so responsibly. 779 00:49:44,894 --> 00:49:47,792 The man is Oprah. 780 00:49:52,635 --> 00:49:55,704 Would you all excuse me for just one second, please? 781 00:50:00,409 --> 00:50:02,374 Sherman, Sherman, Sherman. Hey, Dad. 782 00:50:02,745 --> 00:50:06,679 If there's anything else I can get for you, I'm always available, professor. 783 00:50:06,816 --> 00:50:11,114 One of my teaching assistants, and a very hard working young woman. 784 00:50:16,192 --> 00:50:20,888 Last night, I fucked her within an inch of her life. 785 00:50:21,030 --> 00:50:23,860 True story. I'm jamming her head through the headboard... 786 00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:26,432 I flip her over, she screams, "Give me a choker." 787 00:50:26,569 --> 00:50:29,832 I play the choirboy, "What's that?" Star wipe to five minutes later... 788 00:50:29,972 --> 00:50:32,939 She's bucking like an epileptic at a strobe light convention. 789 00:50:33,075 --> 00:50:34,142 I'm getting scared. 790 00:50:34,276 --> 00:50:37,106 As I'm working out the 911 phone call in my head, she goes: 791 00:50:41,250 --> 00:50:43,318 Like an air bag. 792 00:50:45,688 --> 00:50:47,016 Now, that's a Tuesday night. 793 00:50:47,790 --> 00:50:49,016 You got a good gig, Dad. 794 00:50:50,326 --> 00:50:51,393 How you doing, Son? 795 00:50:53,529 --> 00:50:54,596 Dusty kicked me out. 796 00:50:54,730 --> 00:50:58,197 In all fairness, I was accidentally sleeping with his pseudo girlfriend... 797 00:50:58,334 --> 00:51:00,902 But I feel like shit. 798 00:51:01,037 --> 00:51:03,264 Son, let me tell you a story. 799 00:51:03,406 --> 00:51:06,236 December, 1977, your mother, God rest her soul... 800 00:51:06,375 --> 00:51:08,773 Throws one of her infamous pot potlucks... 801 00:51:08,911 --> 00:51:12,412 And I find myself sozzled in the boathouse with your Aunt Francie. 802 00:51:12,581 --> 00:51:15,047 Now today, some might consider her to be zaftig... 803 00:51:15,184 --> 00:51:18,185 But back then, she could really hang a sundress. 804 00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:21,218 How I yearned for her. 805 00:51:21,357 --> 00:51:24,221 But I refrained because it was your mother's sister. 806 00:51:24,360 --> 00:51:27,429 I get it. I fucked up. No. No. 807 00:51:27,563 --> 00:51:30,860 The point is, is that two days later, I banged the shit out of her... 808 00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:34,763 In the back of a Bonneville while your mother filled my prescription. 809 00:51:36,305 --> 00:51:38,032 Best Pontiac sex I've ever had. 810 00:51:40,009 --> 00:51:41,974 Okay, so you approve? 811 00:51:44,046 --> 00:51:48,412 Guilt is just one more thing trying to asphyxiate us during sex. 812 00:51:48,551 --> 00:51:52,052 You cheat, you feel bad, you watch TV, you feel better, you cheat again. 813 00:52:01,564 --> 00:52:03,791 All right, you know what? This girl's different. 814 00:52:03,933 --> 00:52:08,094 She's smart, she's cool, she's tough, she's a 10. 815 00:52:09,371 --> 00:52:13,430 Ms. Barber, I must apologize for my son's antiquated phraseology. 816 00:52:13,576 --> 00:52:15,974 Out of desperation, he continues to assess women... 817 00:52:16,145 --> 00:52:17,473 A base 10 value number... 818 00:52:17,646 --> 00:52:19,976 Predicated solely on their physical countenance. 819 00:52:20,149 --> 00:52:21,716 That's... 820 00:52:22,384 --> 00:52:24,918 That's wrong, Sherman. No problem. 821 00:52:33,404 --> 00:52:36,837 I moved from numbers a long time ago. You rarely find a 10 outside of L.A. 822 00:52:36,974 --> 00:52:40,134 That's ass up polyurethane. Really talking about a one through nine. 823 00:52:40,278 --> 00:52:43,643 It was too constricting. I'm all about the letters now. 824 00:52:44,181 --> 00:52:45,543 J. 825 00:52:47,518 --> 00:52:49,108 She smells like a J. 826 00:52:49,269 --> 00:52:50,270 But that cougar over there, 827 00:52:51,006 --> 00:52:52,869 She's a solid L. Okay, wait a second. 828 00:52:53,008 --> 00:52:55,167 That woman is 62, that wrap is a shawl... 829 00:52:55,310 --> 00:52:58,004 That L is a Y, and there's a reason they call them Y's. 830 00:52:58,180 --> 00:52:59,907 Come on. Check it. 831 00:53:00,449 --> 00:53:03,416 No, good call, Sherm, good call. 832 00:53:03,585 --> 00:53:05,585 I've gotta get that Lasik. 833 00:53:05,721 --> 00:53:09,270 So you gonna wing me or what? What's the game plan? 834 00:53:09,271 --> 00:53:11,965 Being an educator, I like to stick to the school grades... 835 00:53:12,108 --> 00:53:14,699 A, B, C and D. You, on the other hand... 836 00:53:14,844 --> 00:53:17,344 Should stay with the back 13, thin out the herd. 837 00:53:17,480 --> 00:53:19,548 Thanks, Dad. I'm off the market right now. 838 00:53:19,682 --> 00:53:22,273 I told you about this girl. You know, she... 839 00:53:22,418 --> 00:53:24,179 The other night, we're making love... 840 00:53:24,320 --> 00:53:26,820 And we're just laying there afterwards and... 841 00:53:26,956 --> 00:53:29,490 Sharing the silence? Yeah. 842 00:53:29,625 --> 00:53:32,055 What the fuck is wrong with you? 843 00:53:32,128 --> 00:53:34,421 "Making love"? What are you, Nora Ephron? 844 00:53:34,563 --> 00:53:36,096 Is this some Redbook interview? 845 00:53:36,265 --> 00:53:38,765 You sound like Liberace's stylist's boyfriend. 846 00:53:38,901 --> 00:53:41,799 "Let's just enjoy the silences and the caprice together." 847 00:53:41,937 --> 00:53:44,801 I have no son. I have no son. Dad, I dig this girl. 848 00:53:44,940 --> 00:53:47,031 Good, keep talking. And while you're talking... 849 00:53:47,176 --> 00:53:49,642 There are cougars on my right who are clocking us. 850 00:53:49,778 --> 00:53:52,346 Can you listen? Soon as you put on your safari hat... 851 00:53:52,481 --> 00:53:56,073 And grab your gun. Dad, can you just stay here with me? 852 00:53:56,518 --> 00:53:57,585 Of course I can, Son. 853 00:53:57,719 --> 00:54:01,050 Since you fucked my chances with the "Dad" play. Thanks for projecting. 854 00:54:01,190 --> 00:54:04,157 Not to mention the gay caress maneuver for the hearing impaired. 855 00:54:04,326 --> 00:54:06,792 Can't you just be my Dad for five fucking seconds? 856 00:54:06,929 --> 00:54:11,125 Oh, I'm sorry, you want the real father son bullshit. Right this way. 857 00:54:11,266 --> 00:54:14,529 That girl was dating Dusty, which means she's out of your league. 858 00:54:14,837 --> 00:54:16,234 She was slumming it, Sherman. 859 00:54:17,873 --> 00:54:21,465 "Now, the truth may set you free, but first it's gonna piss you off." 860 00:54:21,610 --> 00:54:23,177 Gloria Steinem said that. 861 00:54:29,384 --> 00:54:31,679 My son, the booty call. 862 00:54:32,354 --> 00:54:36,716 Thanks for the advice, Professor. 863 00:54:44,133 --> 00:54:45,825 Shit. 864 00:55:02,451 --> 00:55:04,576 That was insane. 865 00:55:09,625 --> 00:55:11,522 It was insane, right? 866 00:55:16,098 --> 00:55:17,187 It was... 867 00:55:22,052 --> 00:55:24,620 I gotta work tomorrow. 868 00:55:25,522 --> 00:55:27,886 Everybody's gotta work tomorrow. 869 00:55:33,130 --> 00:55:36,097 You don't want me to stay tonight. 870 00:55:37,501 --> 00:55:40,695 I just sort of feel like it's... Yeah. 871 00:55:42,706 --> 00:55:44,831 Totally understandable. 872 00:55:45,676 --> 00:55:46,936 Yeah. 873 00:57:26,744 --> 00:57:28,641 Hi. 874 00:57:29,012 --> 00:57:31,205 What happened to 8? 875 00:57:31,348 --> 00:57:34,611 Eight's good. But you're an hour late. 876 00:57:35,085 --> 00:57:36,550 Can we make it 9? 877 00:57:36,687 --> 00:57:38,982 I thought you wanted to get drinks before dinner. 878 00:57:39,123 --> 00:57:42,522 I did. And I did. 879 00:57:42,693 --> 00:57:44,886 Well, I'm not getting in a car with you. 880 00:57:45,062 --> 00:57:48,188 Like I tell my students, even one drink is one drink too many. 881 00:57:48,365 --> 00:57:52,367 No vehicle necessary, teach. The place we're going is right here. 882 00:57:52,536 --> 00:57:54,467 It's good. Let's go. 883 00:58:08,018 --> 00:58:10,348 This is wrong. 884 00:58:11,388 --> 00:58:12,921 Let's eat. 885 00:58:13,056 --> 00:58:14,623 Right there. 886 00:58:18,495 --> 00:58:19,495 I'm starving. 887 00:58:21,972 --> 00:58:25,041 Welcome to Cheesus Crust, where pizza is a religious experience. 888 00:58:25,175 --> 00:58:27,038 How can I ordain your order? 889 00:58:27,177 --> 00:58:30,144 How is the Pizza of Nazareth? 890 00:58:30,280 --> 00:58:32,314 People worship it. 891 00:58:34,417 --> 00:58:37,111 I'm deeply offended. Me too. 892 00:58:37,254 --> 00:58:38,582 These prices are outrageous. 893 00:58:38,722 --> 00:58:40,949 Which is why I carry my Flavor Savior card. 894 00:58:41,091 --> 00:58:45,287 Fifteen percent off, all who eat here religiously. 895 00:58:46,596 --> 00:58:48,721 Do you think this is funny? 896 00:58:51,868 --> 00:58:53,526 Good night. 897 00:58:54,905 --> 00:58:57,701 You people are sinners! You should have thought of that... 898 00:58:57,841 --> 00:59:01,274 19 years ago before you stopped my mom from going into that clinic. 899 00:59:01,411 --> 00:59:03,206 Have a blessed day. 900 00:59:06,316 --> 00:59:08,111 Fastest ever. 901 00:59:32,108 --> 00:59:34,335 Even Jesus had to eat. 902 00:59:35,045 --> 00:59:38,171 Don't. It was a bad date. 903 00:59:38,815 --> 00:59:42,043 Well, it was supposed to be a nice night out. 904 00:59:42,185 --> 00:59:44,913 You know, my last boyfriend never took me anywhere. 905 00:59:45,055 --> 00:59:46,622 Ever. 906 00:59:46,756 --> 00:59:49,586 He'd text me late at night to come hang out at his place... 907 00:59:49,759 --> 00:59:53,056 Like he was ashamed to be seen with me in public. 908 00:59:53,230 --> 00:59:57,061 Please don't cry. Wait. Please? I'd make excuses for him, you know? 909 00:59:57,200 --> 00:59:59,268 He's not using me, I'm using him. 910 00:59:59,436 --> 01:00:03,563 And I'm in total control... Total control and it's not that serious. 911 01:00:03,707 --> 01:00:05,434 Yeah. Yeah. 912 01:00:05,575 --> 01:00:06,869 But when that phone rang... 913 01:00:07,010 --> 01:00:09,510 My heart leapt, and I was there. Totally. 914 01:00:09,646 --> 01:00:13,512 And now I finally get the chance to go out on a real date and it's with you. 915 01:00:13,650 --> 01:00:17,709 I know, that sucks. No, you suck. 916 01:00:17,854 --> 01:00:21,287 I do. I do suck. 917 01:00:21,424 --> 01:00:23,253 I suck. 918 01:00:27,397 --> 01:00:30,330 You must be hungry. Let's go eat. 919 01:00:32,702 --> 01:00:38,502 My senior year, I take this girl on a date... Horrible, date from hell. 920 01:00:38,642 --> 01:00:41,711 About a week later, this frat boy comes up and he says to me: 921 01:00:41,845 --> 01:00:44,436 "Only you could make me look good." 922 01:00:45,882 --> 01:00:47,847 All right? I laughed... 923 01:00:47,984 --> 01:00:52,043 Until one of his buddies then came to me and was like: 924 01:00:52,188 --> 01:00:54,415 "Can you help me with my ex?" 925 01:00:54,557 --> 01:00:57,717 Tank was born. Yeah. Yeah, really. 926 01:01:01,665 --> 01:01:05,064 I'm sorry. I understand. 927 01:01:06,303 --> 01:01:07,734 But... 928 01:01:08,104 --> 01:01:09,364 Do you enjoy it? 929 01:01:09,506 --> 01:01:11,836 I'm good at it. I'm good at being an asshole. 930 01:01:12,609 --> 01:01:14,336 It's what I do. 931 01:01:14,844 --> 01:01:17,742 You're like the anti Cupid. More like the Antichrist. 932 01:01:20,050 --> 01:01:21,583 Sorry. 933 01:01:21,718 --> 01:01:25,015 Sorry. It's all right. 934 01:01:25,855 --> 01:01:29,015 You know, in a cruel, twisted way... 935 01:01:29,192 --> 01:01:31,817 You give couples a second chance. 936 01:01:31,995 --> 01:01:33,528 You're a closet romantic. 937 01:01:34,230 --> 01:01:37,128 I don't know about that. You are. 938 01:01:37,701 --> 01:01:39,928 You know you have to confront this girl, Alexis. 939 01:01:40,603 --> 01:01:42,170 I can't. 940 01:01:43,606 --> 01:01:44,695 I can't. 941 01:01:44,841 --> 01:01:47,637 If you don't do this, she will never take you seriously. 942 01:01:47,777 --> 01:01:50,778 You need to march up there and tell her how you feel. 943 01:01:51,414 --> 01:01:53,106 Alexis. 944 01:01:55,218 --> 01:01:57,513 Alexis, it's Tank. 945 01:01:57,854 --> 01:01:59,319 Yeah. 946 01:02:02,525 --> 01:02:04,525 I'm just gonna say this. I'm gonna say it. 947 01:02:04,661 --> 01:02:08,128 If you value this, us, we... 948 01:02:08,264 --> 01:02:12,164 Then you will let me take you on a proper date. 949 01:02:12,302 --> 01:02:14,165 In public. It's 2 a.m. in the morning. 950 01:02:14,304 --> 01:02:16,167 Can we do the proper date another time? 951 01:02:19,876 --> 01:02:21,375 Tomorrow. Yes. 952 01:02:21,511 --> 01:02:23,101 Proper date. In public. 953 01:02:23,680 --> 01:02:24,769 Get some... Good night. 954 01:02:24,914 --> 01:02:27,175 Good night. Nice shirt. 955 01:02:44,300 --> 01:02:45,799 Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. 956 01:02:49,406 --> 01:02:51,565 This is for you. Have to have a corsage. 957 01:02:51,708 --> 01:02:54,003 Oh, my God. 958 01:02:54,144 --> 01:02:57,543 You gotta be kidding me. No, I'm not. 959 01:02:58,581 --> 01:03:00,740 I never went to prom. 960 01:03:00,884 --> 01:03:02,611 I remember. 961 01:03:05,321 --> 01:03:07,446 Oh, yeah, that's right. 962 01:03:14,364 --> 01:03:17,126 She's got a shank. You might wanna actually focus on her. 963 01:03:17,200 --> 01:03:20,463 They're with me, okay? Thanks. Alexis, this is Hilary, our chaperon. 964 01:03:20,603 --> 01:03:23,194 Hi. Nice to meet you. Hi. 965 01:03:23,907 --> 01:03:24,974 Thank you. 966 01:03:26,443 --> 01:03:27,805 You two kids have fun. 967 01:03:32,649 --> 01:03:34,717 I'm having fun. 968 01:03:34,851 --> 01:03:38,682 Let's set the stage here. You're 17 years old. 969 01:03:38,822 --> 01:03:41,720 As you make the mistake of heading out onto the dance floor... 970 01:03:41,858 --> 01:03:44,017 A fine, young chap stops you on your way... 971 01:03:44,194 --> 01:03:46,990 Strikingly handsome. Some would say ruggedly good looking. 972 01:03:47,163 --> 01:03:50,164 He stops you and says, "Excuse me, would you care to dance?" 973 01:03:50,300 --> 01:03:53,301 Don't tell me you dance. Me? 974 01:03:53,436 --> 01:03:54,560 Never. 975 01:03:57,440 --> 01:03:59,667 Oh, my God. 976 01:04:00,510 --> 01:04:03,443 Oh, my God. That's it. That's all I've got, really. 977 01:04:09,185 --> 01:04:10,411 No way. 978 01:04:15,625 --> 01:04:16,714 For you. 979 01:04:17,760 --> 01:04:19,487 Let's go. No, I can't... 980 01:04:19,662 --> 01:04:23,493 You're making this embarrassing myself to be cute thing really difficult. 981 01:04:23,633 --> 01:04:25,132 Look at this, check it out. 982 01:04:27,570 --> 01:04:31,231 Did you see that little move? I saw it. I wanna see more over here. 983 01:04:58,001 --> 01:04:59,125 I got caught up. 984 01:05:23,593 --> 01:05:25,786 Hi. Hey. 985 01:05:50,119 --> 01:05:51,550 Hey. 986 01:05:55,792 --> 01:05:57,382 Fun, huh? 987 01:05:57,560 --> 01:05:58,957 Yeah. 988 01:06:02,966 --> 01:06:05,500 You know you could have any girl out there, right? 989 01:06:06,502 --> 01:06:09,594 Hey, Dude, look at me. 990 01:06:09,739 --> 01:06:11,033 Look at this. 991 01:06:11,174 --> 01:06:13,139 It's not about what you look like, Man. 992 01:06:13,276 --> 01:06:14,434 It's right here, okay? 993 01:06:14,577 --> 01:06:17,976 It's attitude, it's how you look at them. Pretend you don't give a shit... 994 01:06:18,114 --> 01:06:21,650 They will be on you like acne. Guaranteed or your money back. 995 01:06:22,652 --> 01:06:27,189 So, then, like, why have you been such a kiss ass to your girl all night? 996 01:06:27,323 --> 01:06:29,414 Pulling out chairs, throwing out compliments. 997 01:06:29,559 --> 01:06:33,925 I'm on a different plan. You're on a... What you... What I... 998 01:06:34,097 --> 01:06:36,563 "Can I wipe your ass, Baby?" 999 01:06:36,866 --> 01:06:40,265 I was trying to help you, but fuck you. 1000 01:06:40,403 --> 01:06:41,731 Fuck you, you hypocrite. 1001 01:06:41,871 --> 01:06:44,531 "Hey nerd, let me give you some condescending advice." 1002 01:06:44,674 --> 01:06:45,832 Be cruel to women? 1003 01:06:45,975 --> 01:06:47,702 Fat, pathetic, sad dork. 1004 01:06:47,844 --> 01:06:50,913 Old man at a high school prom. Husky bitch. 1005 01:06:53,850 --> 01:06:56,783 Don't get ahead of yourself here. And I'm just curious... 1006 01:06:56,919 --> 01:06:59,317 But are you seeing anybody? No. 1007 01:06:59,455 --> 01:07:01,250 No? 1008 01:07:01,357 --> 01:07:03,516 Are you? No. 1009 01:07:03,726 --> 01:07:06,226 What about that awkward night with that guy? 1010 01:07:06,362 --> 01:07:07,588 You still calling him? 1011 01:07:07,997 --> 01:07:10,258 He kind of disappeared. 1012 01:07:10,733 --> 01:07:12,596 I haven't heard from him since he quit. 1013 01:07:12,735 --> 01:07:15,235 Maybe you could call him. You know? 1014 01:07:15,371 --> 01:07:17,962 See how he's holding up kind of thing. 1015 01:07:18,341 --> 01:07:20,671 What? Or don't. 1016 01:07:20,810 --> 01:07:23,470 It's... It's your choice. I mean, I'm just saying... 1017 01:07:23,613 --> 01:07:26,739 No, I know. It's sweet. Polite. 1018 01:07:27,817 --> 01:07:31,683 Even if it is a part of your whole show that you've got going on tonight. 1019 01:07:31,921 --> 01:07:34,615 You're pulling out all the stops. 1020 01:07:35,091 --> 01:07:37,989 Sweet Tank. Sweet Tank is way into me. 1021 01:07:42,365 --> 01:07:45,093 You know what, though? You're right. I should call him. 1022 01:07:47,336 --> 01:07:49,336 I should call him. 1023 01:07:52,054 --> 01:07:54,884 You know, it was really cool of you to call, Alexis. 1024 01:07:55,023 --> 01:07:58,092 Lunch, wedding errands. Just like old times, huh? 1025 01:07:58,260 --> 01:08:01,329 I haven't seen you since I took my leave of absence from work. 1026 01:08:01,497 --> 01:08:03,030 Yeah, I heard you quit. 1027 01:08:03,198 --> 01:08:06,790 Oh, no, no, no, I just... I took a sabbatical. A sabbatical. 1028 01:08:06,935 --> 01:08:08,935 I just wanted to do some soul searching. 1029 01:08:16,645 --> 01:08:19,612 My sister picked it out. Well, you should thank her. 1030 01:08:19,748 --> 01:08:22,715 The whole world should thank her. Well, you're welcome. 1031 01:08:22,851 --> 01:08:25,351 Speaking of the devil. Oh, my gosh. 1032 01:08:25,487 --> 01:08:27,521 I love it. I love it so much. 1033 01:08:27,656 --> 01:08:29,747 This is my friend, Dustin. This is my sister. 1034 01:08:29,892 --> 01:08:31,118 Oh, hi. No. Get over here. 1035 01:08:31,293 --> 01:08:33,122 What? Congratulations. 1036 01:08:33,295 --> 01:08:35,590 Alexis will not shut up about you, the wedding... 1037 01:08:35,731 --> 01:08:38,197 That was really smart. That was so smart, yeah. 1038 01:08:38,333 --> 01:08:40,492 See, I brought mine too. Hi. 1039 01:08:40,636 --> 01:08:45,002 It's really the only opinion that means anything these days. 1040 01:08:45,140 --> 01:08:46,298 Oh, my gosh. 1041 01:08:47,009 --> 01:08:49,304 You have to see my dress. Great, now. 1042 01:08:52,481 --> 01:08:54,446 Yeah, I did it when... Alexis, I'm sorry. 1043 01:08:54,583 --> 01:08:57,345 I'm the... I'm the dress shopping gay pal? 1044 01:08:57,486 --> 01:09:00,146 I just think that now's not the time to set her straight. 1045 01:09:00,289 --> 01:09:01,947 She's a little crazy, she's manic. 1046 01:09:02,090 --> 01:09:04,522 I get that we're in slow down mode... 1047 01:09:04,693 --> 01:09:06,886 But I'm not gonna, like, meet your parents... 1048 01:09:07,062 --> 01:09:10,563 Under the pretext of the gay friend. I mean, that's ridic... 1049 01:09:11,342 --> 01:09:13,103 Dustin, you need to... What? What? 1050 01:09:13,144 --> 01:09:16,042 Yeah, what? What is it? What? Is something wrong? 1051 01:09:16,180 --> 01:09:17,180 Do you not want me to come? 1052 01:09:17,181 --> 01:09:19,075 Promise me you won't be upset... 1053 01:09:19,080 --> 01:09:21,444 If I tell you something. Yeah, what? 1054 01:09:21,883 --> 01:09:23,883 I'm seeing somebody. 1055 01:09:24,018 --> 01:09:28,452 And so I asked him to come with me to the wedding. 1056 01:09:30,858 --> 01:09:32,550 You're... You're upset. No. What? 1057 01:09:33,428 --> 01:09:35,758 Upset? No. Why would I be upset? 1058 01:09:35,997 --> 01:09:38,122 Come on. That's crazy. 1059 01:09:38,266 --> 01:09:41,767 Like I'm a guy that gets upset. Come on. More like happy. 1060 01:09:41,903 --> 01:09:44,301 You know? I'm happy that... That, you know. 1061 01:09:44,439 --> 01:09:47,702 That you found someone special. It still feels a little short. 1062 01:09:47,842 --> 01:09:49,637 I still think that if you put the... 1063 01:09:49,811 --> 01:09:51,640 So, dish. I just wanna make sure my... 1064 01:09:51,813 --> 01:09:53,574 Who is he? 1065 01:09:53,748 --> 01:09:57,750 Yeah, I think that's too much shoe. 1066 01:09:59,120 --> 01:10:02,656 Man-ischewitz, Sherman, look at you. 1067 01:10:02,790 --> 01:10:05,120 You remind me of me on my wedding day. 1068 01:10:05,260 --> 01:10:08,591 I was one nasty son of a bitch. 1069 01:10:09,797 --> 01:10:12,866 Dad, why did Mom marry you? Who makes this tux? Versace? 1070 01:10:13,001 --> 01:10:15,661 Pop, come on. Fess up. Dad. Where'd you get this tux? 1071 01:10:15,803 --> 01:10:18,770 The black on black. Come on, Dad, really. 1072 01:10:21,042 --> 01:10:22,939 Your mother was an incredible woman... 1073 01:10:23,111 --> 01:10:26,942 But she had awful judgment. 1074 01:10:27,081 --> 01:10:29,615 She was always trying to find the better man inside me. 1075 01:10:29,784 --> 01:10:34,048 Unfortunately, she found him inside of her psychotherapist, Janine. 1076 01:10:34,455 --> 01:10:35,522 Not good. 1077 01:10:35,657 --> 01:10:39,591 See, I always knew that your mom was the best it was ever gonna get for me. 1078 01:10:39,727 --> 01:10:42,819 And I never asked the more important question, which is: 1079 01:10:42,964 --> 01:10:45,157 Was I the best it was ever gonna get for her? 1080 01:10:49,671 --> 01:10:51,363 You're not so bad, Pop. 1081 01:10:54,876 --> 01:10:57,945 I'm a fraud, Sherman. Yeah. 1082 01:10:58,079 --> 01:11:00,443 And I'm a selfish asshole. 1083 01:11:06,921 --> 01:11:08,921 And so are you. 1084 01:11:09,791 --> 01:11:12,121 So I want you to get out there... 1085 01:11:13,494 --> 01:11:15,892 And I want you to revel in it. 1086 01:11:36,984 --> 01:11:38,949 Oh, my God. Hi. 1087 01:11:39,087 --> 01:11:41,178 You are hot as a pistol. You look handsome. 1088 01:11:41,322 --> 01:11:44,323 No, you. I am very... I am so impressed with you. 1089 01:11:44,459 --> 01:11:46,754 Impressed. You look beautiful. 1090 01:11:47,261 --> 01:11:50,228 Do you like the red lipstick? I wanna do you right here. 1091 01:11:50,365 --> 01:11:52,490 Okay, I gotta go... Josh. 1092 01:11:52,633 --> 01:11:56,225 My future brother in law. Josh, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Tank. 1093 01:11:56,371 --> 01:11:58,200 Hey, Josh. I'll be your groom... 1094 01:11:58,339 --> 01:12:01,033 In today's performance of Fuck Me, I'm Getting Married. 1095 01:12:01,175 --> 01:12:04,142 Okay, well, I'm gonna go tame Bridezilla. 1096 01:12:04,312 --> 01:12:07,540 You want me to come? Lex? No, I'll look out for him. All right? 1097 01:12:07,715 --> 01:12:10,283 Just breathe for a second, all right? I am breathing. 1098 01:12:10,451 --> 01:12:11,711 Now adapt. 1099 01:12:11,853 --> 01:12:13,284 Are we adapting? Yeah. 1100 01:12:13,421 --> 01:12:15,250 Are we ready to evolve? 1101 01:12:15,390 --> 01:12:18,152 You let fly one word about our arrangement... 1102 01:12:18,292 --> 01:12:20,417 I will crush your nuts into butter. 1103 01:12:20,561 --> 01:12:23,528 Like the kind at the health food store, but not so good for you. 1104 01:12:23,664 --> 01:12:25,959 But... But, but... 1105 01:12:26,334 --> 01:12:29,835 You play ball, I will plant your flag right next to mine. All right? 1106 01:12:29,971 --> 01:12:32,699 I will make you family. And believe me, Tank... 1107 01:12:32,840 --> 01:12:35,238 You wanna be family. 1108 01:12:36,277 --> 01:12:38,242 Money. Jesus Christ. 1109 01:12:38,379 --> 01:12:40,743 Like, "Money" money. 1110 01:12:40,882 --> 01:12:43,416 Old money, new money, fuck me money, fuck you money. 1111 01:12:43,551 --> 01:12:44,982 Family money, money. 1112 01:12:45,119 --> 01:12:48,279 Okay, yeah. Josh, you got me all wrong. 1113 01:12:48,423 --> 01:12:51,686 No. I know exactly who you are, all right? 1114 01:12:51,826 --> 01:12:54,690 It's Alexis who's got you all wrong. 1115 01:12:54,829 --> 01:12:57,489 Let's do what we do, Brother. Hey, Merrilee. 1116 01:12:58,132 --> 01:13:00,496 Brian. Now, I've told you, Fella... 1117 01:13:00,635 --> 01:13:02,862 From here on out, it's strictly Mom and Dad. 1118 01:13:03,004 --> 01:13:05,937 I'd like to introduce you to your next son in law, Tank Turner. 1119 01:13:06,073 --> 01:13:07,800 This is Alexis' guy. 1120 01:13:07,942 --> 01:13:11,239 I've heard so much about you. That is unfortunate. 1121 01:13:11,412 --> 01:13:13,207 Forget it all. 1122 01:13:13,381 --> 01:13:15,073 Tank. Hi. 1123 01:13:18,352 --> 01:13:21,910 Tank Turner is an asshole. 1124 01:13:22,423 --> 01:13:25,492 You brought Satan to my wedding? Well, he's changed. 1125 01:13:25,626 --> 01:13:27,785 Or he's going to change. Or he's changing. 1126 01:13:27,929 --> 01:13:29,155 No. 1127 01:13:29,297 --> 01:13:31,888 I'm sorry, but that is not enough. 1128 01:13:32,033 --> 01:13:34,829 Okay, maybe he's this fun vacation on the dark side... 1129 01:13:34,969 --> 01:13:37,560 Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, I'm falling in love with him. 1130 01:13:37,972 --> 01:13:39,403 What? 1131 01:13:40,441 --> 01:13:42,099 I love him. 1132 01:13:51,853 --> 01:13:54,319 Hey, so... So many things that I want... 1133 01:13:54,455 --> 01:13:56,284 Oh, come here. 1134 01:14:01,629 --> 01:14:06,063 I gotta go. I'm going. I'm leaving. Go. 1135 01:14:26,654 --> 01:14:29,518 Are you the best it's ever gonna get for her? 1136 01:14:40,601 --> 01:14:42,191 Are you? 1137 01:15:57,178 --> 01:16:00,679 If anyone here can show just cause why these two should not be joined... 1138 01:16:00,848 --> 01:16:05,976 Let them speak now or forever hold their peace. 1139 01:16:05,987 --> 01:16:07,416 White dress. 1140 01:16:07,689 --> 01:16:10,053 Chick's seen more dick than this guy. 1141 01:16:14,050 --> 01:16:18,644 I've been wanting to come over here because I was reminded of a joke. 1142 01:16:19,255 --> 01:16:22,586 A priest and a Rabbi are at a wedding. Who knew? 1143 01:16:23,059 --> 01:16:27,118 And they see a small boy bending over to tie his shoe. 1144 01:16:27,296 --> 01:16:29,523 So the priest says to the Rabbi: 1145 01:16:29,699 --> 01:16:31,858 "God, I'd really love to screw that kid." 1146 01:16:32,034 --> 01:16:35,695 And then the Rabbi says, "Out of what?" 1147 01:16:37,573 --> 01:16:40,540 It's a visual thing, because the kid is basically like this. 1148 01:16:40,676 --> 01:16:41,902 He's bending over. 1149 01:16:42,780 --> 01:16:44,575 Dirty Houdini. You gotta try this. 1150 01:16:45,415 --> 01:16:49,076 While you're giving it to your lady from behind, okay? 1151 01:16:49,219 --> 01:16:51,082 Very important. You gotta be behind her. 1152 01:16:51,221 --> 01:16:53,585 Start making some sounds like you're gonna bust... 1153 01:16:53,723 --> 01:16:54,949 Then you pull out. 1154 01:16:55,091 --> 01:16:58,388 As you pull out, you let a little dribble of saliva trickle down... 1155 01:16:58,561 --> 01:17:01,687 Onto the small of her back. She thinks it's over, she flips over: 1156 01:17:01,865 --> 01:17:03,296 "Good, I can go to sleep." 1157 01:17:03,433 --> 01:17:05,763 Fireman's hose. All over. 1158 01:17:10,773 --> 01:17:12,773 I don't get it. You don't get it? 1159 01:17:12,909 --> 01:17:16,035 Here's what you're gonna do. Go ask your mom. Right there. Pound. 1160 01:17:22,418 --> 01:17:23,678 Ready, and wow. 1161 01:17:25,021 --> 01:17:27,055 It's like lifting a coffin. 1162 01:17:28,391 --> 01:17:31,085 Oh, Nana. You have a lead vagina. 1163 01:17:35,798 --> 01:17:37,729 Hello? Yeah, I can talk. 1164 01:17:43,105 --> 01:17:45,332 You weren't gonna drink. Can't have a glass... 1165 01:17:45,475 --> 01:17:47,133 To celebrate the holy sacrament? 1166 01:17:47,276 --> 01:17:49,469 Is that Jägermeister I smell? I don't know. 1167 01:17:49,612 --> 01:17:51,475 Wine, huh? 1168 01:17:53,316 --> 01:17:54,974 No. Don't get into any trouble. 1169 01:17:55,117 --> 01:17:57,845 I'm don't-ing. I'm don't-ing. Don't get into any trouble. 1170 01:18:06,596 --> 01:18:08,960 For their first dance as a married couple... 1171 01:18:09,098 --> 01:18:13,692 I'd like to present to you Rachel and Josh. 1172 01:18:26,048 --> 01:18:27,206 Sorry. 1173 01:18:28,050 --> 01:18:29,981 Can I have this dance? 1174 01:18:30,119 --> 01:18:31,447 Not a good time? Okay. 1175 01:18:31,587 --> 01:18:36,147 Sorry, everybody. This is their night. I'll clean that up. It's the chicken. 1176 01:18:37,093 --> 01:18:39,058 The bride and groom. 1177 01:18:45,234 --> 01:18:48,235 I'm gonna grab these. Clean. I washed them after I threw up. 1178 01:18:48,371 --> 01:18:50,001 How are you? 1179 01:18:50,795 --> 01:18:52,795 It's okay, I got the sleeve. I caught it. 1180 01:18:52,930 --> 01:18:55,498 Usually they come in twos and threes, so that's... 1181 01:18:58,102 --> 01:19:00,670 Cocaine, you know, just kind of gets me sneezy. 1182 01:19:00,805 --> 01:19:03,931 And you, by the way, look lovely. I just wanted to... 1183 01:19:04,075 --> 01:19:06,769 Say a hello to you. 1184 01:19:11,048 --> 01:19:12,638 All right. 1185 01:19:17,321 --> 01:19:19,855 Weddings get me hot and hard, know what I'm saying? 1186 01:19:19,991 --> 01:19:21,718 What do you got going on? 1187 01:19:21,859 --> 01:19:24,427 I want that in my fucking mouth. 1188 01:19:26,110 --> 01:19:29,010 Hey. Hey, Alexis sent me to look for you, so let's go. 1189 01:19:29,026 --> 01:19:30,860 Having a little chat. 1190 01:19:30,895 --> 01:19:34,396 With my friend. Taking a breather. Breathing. 1191 01:19:36,267 --> 01:19:39,063 Fucking goddamn it. What do you call that shit, A. J? 1192 01:19:39,203 --> 01:19:41,828 Afghani Kush Kryptonite. 1193 01:19:41,973 --> 01:19:45,406 Kryptonite. It killed Superman. I'm just a man. 1194 01:19:45,543 --> 01:19:48,874 You really are, like, a super special kind of asshole, aren't you? 1195 01:19:49,013 --> 01:19:51,013 I ride the special kind of asshole bus. 1196 01:19:51,148 --> 01:19:53,341 Do you really? All right. Okay. 1197 01:19:54,051 --> 01:19:56,210 One more bite. What are you doing? 1198 01:19:56,354 --> 01:19:58,945 Alexis is gonna freak out when she sees this. 1199 01:19:59,090 --> 01:20:00,316 No she won't. Yeah. Yeah. 1200 01:20:00,458 --> 01:20:02,321 She's understanding. Oh, my God, Dude. 1201 01:20:02,493 --> 01:20:05,562 She's never gonna forgive you. All right. I'm coming. I'm coming. 1202 01:20:07,531 --> 01:20:09,064 What a day. Yeah. 1203 01:20:10,434 --> 01:20:12,900 May I partake? 1204 01:20:13,404 --> 01:20:16,496 My daughter got married today. 1205 01:20:16,641 --> 01:20:20,199 Wonderful. Oh, God, I feel old. 1206 01:20:20,344 --> 01:20:25,882 I bet back in the day, you were one hot slice of fuckberry pie. 1207 01:20:29,120 --> 01:20:32,883 You bet your sweet ass I was. 1208 01:20:34,392 --> 01:20:37,620 Hey. I love your shoes. 1209 01:20:38,396 --> 01:20:40,464 So are we gonna do this or what? 1210 01:20:42,667 --> 01:20:43,961 Come on, it's not gonna suck itself, Mama. 1211 01:20:44,969 --> 01:20:47,094 Oh, my God. 1212 01:20:47,238 --> 01:20:49,499 Who is this guy? 1213 01:20:51,208 --> 01:20:53,708 And he's ruining my entire wedding. 1214 01:20:53,844 --> 01:20:57,038 He ruined my dance, my actual dance. 1215 01:20:57,181 --> 01:21:00,546 No, it's ruined. And... Why did you bring him here? 1216 01:21:00,685 --> 01:21:02,548 It's disgusting. 1217 01:21:04,355 --> 01:21:07,913 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 1218 01:21:08,059 --> 01:21:11,026 Are you kidding me? He really? 1219 01:21:13,698 --> 01:21:16,562 I got a bass ackward way of showing it, but I care about you. 1220 01:21:16,701 --> 01:21:19,531 Tank. Tank! How could you? 1221 01:21:20,037 --> 01:21:22,799 My ex, Sarah. Cunt. 1222 01:21:24,342 --> 01:21:26,569 Oh, no. You're not gonna walk away from me. 1223 01:21:26,711 --> 01:21:28,608 You're gonna talk to me. This is insane. 1224 01:21:28,746 --> 01:21:30,905 Who is that person, huh? Who is that guy? 1225 01:21:31,048 --> 01:21:33,673 This is me. I'm an asshole. 1226 01:21:33,818 --> 01:21:36,580 You had your chance with a good guy and you threw it away. 1227 01:21:36,721 --> 01:21:38,083 Who? Dustin. 1228 01:21:38,222 --> 01:21:41,348 You have no right to tell me... No, Dustin. Dustin's here. 1229 01:21:41,492 --> 01:21:43,560 Dustin. Dustin? 1230 01:21:43,728 --> 01:21:44,920 Dustin? Be careful. 1231 01:21:45,096 --> 01:21:46,959 Tank! 1232 01:21:57,074 --> 01:21:58,732 It's time you all knew the truth. 1233 01:21:58,876 --> 01:22:01,877 Would you stop? If I go down, you're coming with me, okay? 1234 01:22:02,012 --> 01:22:06,242 Okay? So I'm sure every... 1235 01:22:07,051 --> 01:22:08,118 Don't touch. 1236 01:22:08,128 --> 01:22:10,025 Okay? Why don't you take a walk with me? 1237 01:22:10,063 --> 01:22:12,030 Hey! Come with me, okay? Dustin. 1238 01:22:12,166 --> 01:22:14,791 Would you guys like to know what this man...? Excuse me. 1239 01:22:14,936 --> 01:22:16,334 What this man does as a hobby? 1240 01:22:16,476 --> 01:22:20,137 Let's say, for example... 1241 01:22:20,280 --> 01:22:23,747 I get dumped by my girl. 1242 01:22:23,883 --> 01:22:28,317 And I want to pay him to go out with her... 1243 01:22:28,455 --> 01:22:30,819 Oh, boy. Terrorize her... 1244 01:22:30,991 --> 01:22:35,027 And have her come screaming back into my arms. 1245 01:22:36,048 --> 01:22:38,910 And so I made a deal with the devil. 1246 01:22:38,953 --> 01:22:39,853 That's what I did. 1247 01:22:39,926 --> 01:22:43,325 But... But what does that make him? Okay, stop. Stop it. 1248 01:22:43,463 --> 01:22:46,259 Just tell me this isn't true. 1249 01:22:48,801 --> 01:22:50,766 Ask him. 1250 01:22:51,771 --> 01:22:53,304 Baby, sorry. You make me sick. 1251 01:22:53,439 --> 01:22:56,633 Ask him. I hate you. 1252 01:22:58,010 --> 01:22:59,805 Ask him. I'm gonna kill you! 1253 01:22:59,946 --> 01:23:01,877 I'm gonna kill you! 1254 01:23:02,014 --> 01:23:04,480 I work on referrals. Okay. 1255 01:23:05,685 --> 01:23:08,345 You're honestly gonna tell me... 1256 01:23:09,388 --> 01:23:13,390 That you and I, that's nothing? 1257 01:23:13,826 --> 01:23:15,621 That's nothing? 1258 01:23:17,563 --> 01:23:19,927 I'm just a job? 1259 01:23:20,833 --> 01:23:25,097 I need you to tell me. Tank, tell me right now... 1260 01:23:25,238 --> 01:23:27,329 That I'm just a job. 1261 01:23:27,473 --> 01:23:31,339 Tell me to my face. You're just a job. 1262 01:23:36,382 --> 01:23:38,347 Just a job. 1263 01:23:38,484 --> 01:23:41,348 I never wanna see you again. 1264 01:23:42,288 --> 01:23:43,946 Yeah. 1265 01:23:44,090 --> 01:23:46,454 Alexis. Alexis. 1266 01:23:46,626 --> 01:23:48,626 I'm gonna kill you! 1267 01:24:18,424 --> 01:24:20,424 Motherfucker. 1268 01:24:41,314 --> 01:24:44,042 You have one new message. 1269 01:24:44,951 --> 01:24:46,985 Dust, you were right. 1270 01:24:47,119 --> 01:24:49,278 Alexis is an angel... 1271 01:24:49,422 --> 01:24:52,355 And she deserves the best. 1272 01:24:53,893 --> 01:24:56,120 And that's you. So I'm sorry it took so long... 1273 01:24:56,295 --> 01:24:58,955 But I finally did what you hired me to do. 1274 01:24:59,098 --> 01:25:01,928 I got a bass ackward way of showing it, but I care about you. 1275 01:25:02,068 --> 01:25:05,137 Tank. Tank! How could you? 1276 01:25:05,271 --> 01:25:07,896 My ex, Sarah. Cunt. 1277 01:25:40,940 --> 01:25:42,632 Did you love her? 1278 01:25:42,775 --> 01:25:45,366 Do you love her? That's all I wanna know. 1279 01:25:46,779 --> 01:25:49,040 I don't even know what that means. 1280 01:25:49,181 --> 01:25:52,273 Yeah. Well, apparently, neither do I. 1281 01:25:52,551 --> 01:25:55,279 All I know is that me and her ends up with her hurt. 1282 01:25:55,421 --> 01:25:56,886 It's inevitable. 1283 01:25:57,023 --> 01:25:59,648 Turners and women, right, Pop? 1284 01:25:59,825 --> 01:26:01,222 Yeah. 1285 01:26:03,296 --> 01:26:05,660 I banged a lot of women, Sherman. 1286 01:26:06,299 --> 01:26:08,299 I've been banging since back in the day... 1287 01:26:08,434 --> 01:26:11,059 When you were laminating pictures of them. 1288 01:26:11,203 --> 01:26:13,396 So, yeah, that's me. 1289 01:26:13,939 --> 01:26:17,008 That's this guy, but that ain't you. No. 1290 01:26:17,143 --> 01:26:20,644 Last night, you proved something that I have long feared. 1291 01:26:20,780 --> 01:26:22,438 And that is... 1292 01:26:22,581 --> 01:26:24,842 You may just take after your mother. 1293 01:26:26,619 --> 01:26:30,450 Yeah, I can't believe you actually tried to give Alexis up for me. 1294 01:26:30,956 --> 01:26:32,182 I know, Dude. 1295 01:26:32,358 --> 01:26:34,323 That's pretty fucked up, right? Yeah. 1296 01:26:34,460 --> 01:26:36,585 I mean, if that's not love... 1297 01:26:37,330 --> 01:26:39,364 Yeah, I'm sorry, Man. 1298 01:26:39,799 --> 01:26:42,959 I'm sorry. I'm the guy who... 1299 01:26:44,470 --> 01:26:46,470 You were my best friend. 1300 01:26:47,039 --> 01:26:48,766 I still am. 1301 01:26:50,476 --> 01:26:52,635 You guys gonna make out now, huh? 1302 01:26:52,778 --> 01:26:55,745 Go ahead, stick your tongue in his mouth. That'll clear the air. 1303 01:26:58,651 --> 01:27:00,184 How about a? 1304 01:27:07,460 --> 01:27:11,690 Look, I know I kind of lost it for a while, but now I'm seeing things clearly. 1305 01:27:11,831 --> 01:27:13,865 You need to get her back. 1306 01:27:15,901 --> 01:27:17,992 But I don't deserve her. No, you... Tank. 1307 01:27:18,137 --> 01:27:20,705 If you were willing to give her up, you deserve her. 1308 01:27:20,973 --> 01:27:23,507 That's fucked up, but you're right. 1309 01:27:25,911 --> 01:27:28,206 She's my angel and it's time she knew. 1310 01:27:28,347 --> 01:27:30,312 Yes. So, what's stopping you? 1311 01:27:30,383 --> 01:27:32,348 I propositioned her mother for a blowjob. 1312 01:27:33,686 --> 01:27:36,380 Man, that is great. 1313 01:27:36,522 --> 01:27:39,090 That is so great. Yes. 1314 01:27:39,892 --> 01:27:42,790 Alexis! Alexis, wait. 1315 01:27:42,928 --> 01:27:44,461 Alexis. 1316 01:27:44,597 --> 01:27:46,460 Just hear me out, all right? Listen. 1317 01:27:46,599 --> 01:27:49,429 Nope. Nope. Nope. 1318 01:27:49,568 --> 01:27:50,999 I did it for you. 1319 01:27:51,137 --> 01:27:53,797 I pushed you away because I thought I didn't deserve you. 1320 01:27:53,939 --> 01:27:57,440 You don't. So I made a mistake. 1321 01:27:57,576 --> 01:28:00,201 Many. I know. 1322 01:28:00,346 --> 01:28:02,607 I will never do better than you. I know. 1323 01:28:02,748 --> 01:28:04,782 I need you in my life. I know. 1324 01:28:04,917 --> 01:28:07,850 And I wanna apologize. I don't want it. 1325 01:28:07,987 --> 01:28:10,521 Good, because it's not for you. 1326 01:28:10,689 --> 01:28:13,485 I wanna apologize to myself. 1327 01:28:13,659 --> 01:28:17,195 I'm sorry, Tank, that you blew it with Alexis. 1328 01:28:17,363 --> 01:28:19,761 But you did. Because I thought you deserved... 1329 01:28:19,899 --> 01:28:21,364 Someone better than me. 1330 01:28:21,500 --> 01:28:25,297 But when I'm with you, it's like I'm better than me. 1331 01:28:25,671 --> 01:28:29,502 You're the only person that could ever make me do cardio. And I hate cardio. 1332 01:28:29,642 --> 01:28:33,200 I wanna faint, I want a cigarette and I have a massive cramp. 1333 01:28:33,345 --> 01:28:35,709 But I would run a marathon for you. 1334 01:28:41,287 --> 01:28:43,446 Okay. Fuck me. 1335 01:28:43,589 --> 01:28:45,657 You ruined my sister's wedding. 1336 01:28:45,825 --> 01:28:49,088 But I saved her life. That guy was a fucking fuckface. 1337 01:28:49,261 --> 01:28:53,354 You curse incessantly. I will never swear again. 1338 01:28:53,532 --> 01:28:55,065 Fuck. Last one. 1339 01:28:55,234 --> 01:28:58,667 My parents hate you. Well, they'll come around. 1340 01:28:58,804 --> 01:29:00,166 Except your mother. 1341 01:29:00,306 --> 01:29:01,395 And your dad. 1342 01:29:01,540 --> 01:29:04,473 Your job is a joke. A joke? I sell air. 1343 01:29:04,610 --> 01:29:06,075 I do the impossible every day. 1344 01:29:06,212 --> 01:29:08,007 Have you ever even read a book? 1345 01:29:08,147 --> 01:29:09,908 The Giving Tree. 1346 01:29:10,249 --> 01:29:12,909 And? Among others. Countless others. 1347 01:29:13,052 --> 01:29:15,950 Tank. I'll join a book club. 1348 01:29:16,589 --> 01:29:19,385 What's the matter? You can't keep up? 1349 01:29:20,359 --> 01:29:23,622 You are not passionate about anything. 1350 01:29:23,762 --> 01:29:27,229 Except you. I'm passionate about you. As evidence, consider the fact... 1351 01:29:27,366 --> 01:29:29,593 That I've been running for two goddamn hours. 1352 01:29:29,735 --> 01:29:32,030 I need to stop and rest. You sabotage dates. 1353 01:29:32,171 --> 01:29:34,535 You're a professional asshole. That's what you do. 1354 01:29:34,673 --> 01:29:37,970 No. It's what I did. 1355 01:29:38,644 --> 01:29:41,872 Tank, I just don't think you're the one. 1356 01:29:44,884 --> 01:29:48,010 Not yet, but I'll get there. 1357 01:30:00,032 --> 01:30:01,429 You okay? 1358 01:31:14,540 --> 01:31:17,541 Without air, we cannot live. 1359 01:31:18,978 --> 01:31:21,069 I think those words resonate with people... 1360 01:31:21,213 --> 01:31:25,010 Because they're really true, you know? 1361 01:31:30,289 --> 01:31:31,720 What? 1362 01:31:32,658 --> 01:31:34,783 I thought... I thought that was a joke. 1363 01:31:35,227 --> 01:31:39,491 It wasn't. What are you talking about? Nothing. 1364 01:31:39,632 --> 01:31:41,063 Air? 1365 01:31:41,200 --> 01:31:44,269 Because I don't really think there's anything funny about air. 1366 01:31:44,403 --> 01:31:46,403 It's kind of too important. 1367 01:31:56,782 --> 01:31:58,440 Asshole. 1368 01:32:01,687 --> 01:32:02,754 Hi. Hi. 1369 01:32:02,888 --> 01:32:03,955 I'm Alexis. Hi. 1370 01:32:04,123 --> 01:32:06,657 Do you wanna know what this guy did? He humiliated me. 1371 01:32:06,792 --> 01:32:08,883 He embarrassed me. He literally... Alexis. 1372 01:32:09,061 --> 01:32:10,253 I'm having a conversation. 1373 01:32:10,429 --> 01:32:13,828 I'm having a conversation. It's with her, it's not with you. 1374 01:32:14,733 --> 01:32:16,960 What this guy did to me makes me sick every day. 1375 01:32:17,102 --> 01:32:18,794 Physically ill. 1376 01:32:18,937 --> 01:32:21,437 But is that like lovesickness or like hatesickness? 1377 01:32:21,573 --> 01:32:23,868 No, it's like morning sickness. What? 1378 01:32:25,177 --> 01:32:28,542 Yeah, I'm pregnant, okay? So I'm sorry. 1379 01:32:29,214 --> 01:32:31,441 It makes me a little emotional. 1380 01:32:31,583 --> 01:32:34,914 You're pregnant? Yes, I'm fucking pregnant! 1381 01:32:35,054 --> 01:32:36,883 I probably should go. 1382 01:32:37,022 --> 01:32:38,589 But how? It's... 1383 01:32:39,792 --> 01:32:41,723 How do you think? 1384 01:32:41,860 --> 01:32:43,291 That's right, Everybody. 1385 01:32:43,429 --> 01:32:47,625 This asshole got me pregnant. 1386 01:32:48,167 --> 01:32:51,794 I definitely think I should go. Okay, I didn't know. I didn't know. 1387 01:32:51,937 --> 01:32:53,334 If you think that's bad... 1388 01:32:53,472 --> 01:32:55,767 You should hear what this guy did to my sister. 1389 01:32:55,908 --> 01:33:00,445 Alexis, I've apologized a million times. He got her pregnant too. 1390 01:33:01,080 --> 01:33:03,808 So there's two of us having a baby together... 1391 01:33:03,949 --> 01:33:07,382 About three and a half weeks apart. 1392 01:33:07,519 --> 01:33:09,143 Yeah. It was dark, I was drunk... 1393 01:33:09,288 --> 01:33:10,821 And I thought it was you. 1394 01:33:10,956 --> 01:33:12,523 Right? 1395 01:33:16,462 --> 01:33:19,497 I'm gonna go now. It was nice meeting you. 1396 01:33:19,631 --> 01:33:21,961 Yeah, nice to meet you too. 1397 01:33:23,402 --> 01:33:24,628 What's going on here? 1398 01:33:25,637 --> 01:33:27,932 Oh, I'm just saving another girl... 1399 01:33:28,073 --> 01:33:30,869 From the worst sex she'll ever have in her life. 1400 01:33:35,514 --> 01:33:37,980 Well, your mother never complained. 1401 01:33:39,852 --> 01:33:43,217 You wanna know why I didn't return your e-mails? 1402 01:33:43,822 --> 01:33:45,412 Your pathetic calls? 1403 01:33:46,658 --> 01:33:50,091 You are unattractive. I said it. 1404 01:33:51,897 --> 01:33:54,124 I'm not attractive. Well, let's put it this way. 1405 01:33:54,266 --> 01:33:57,529 I would kick your ass right now, but my foot might get sucked in. 1406 01:33:59,438 --> 01:34:03,838 I'd kick your dick right now, but my foot might get herpes. 1407 01:34:04,543 --> 01:34:07,339 Well, you know, you can stop trying to be clever, Alexis. 1408 01:34:07,479 --> 01:34:11,106 The funniest thing that'll ever come out of you is me. 1409 01:34:11,483 --> 01:34:13,642 All right, Tank. 1410 01:34:13,786 --> 01:34:16,218 You got the best joke here. 1411 01:34:17,222 --> 01:34:18,983 And it's in your pants. 1412 01:34:29,802 --> 01:34:31,836 I hate you. I hate you too. 1413 01:34:31,970 --> 01:34:33,799 Oh, Baby. 1413 01:34:34,305 --> 01:35:34,663 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 110708

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.