Original subtitles

Hey, listen, Corny, who do you think you're talking to?

If the Semple attorneys don't know who the heir is, who does?

Oh, come on, Corny. I've done you a lot of favors.

What do you say? Who's getting the Semple dough?

You're asking the wrong guy, Mac. I'm only a press agent.

- Newspaperman? - Wants to know who the heir is.

- Hang up. - Sorry, Mac, I can't...

- Yeah, Mac, sure, but I ain't the attorney. - Hang up.

Mr. Cedar is, and I haven't seen him in two days.

Listen, Cedar, we got to do something about the newspapers.

- I'm not interested in newspapers. - But it's a great story.

Somewhere in this country, a guy is walking into 20 million bucks.

Yes, I know. My first concern is to locate the lucky man.

When I do, it's your job to keep the newspapers away from him.

It's okay with me, as long as that weekly stipend keeps coming in.

We located him, Mr. Cedar.

- We found out where he is. - Good.

- Yes, John, we got him. - Here's the report.

Longfellow Deeds, single, 28, lives in Mandrake Falls, Vermont.

- Thank heaven. - Better wire him right away, John.

I'll do no such thing. I'm going there myself. You're going with me, too, Anderson.

- And you, too, Cobb. - Yes?

Make three reservations on the first train out to Mandrake Falls, Vermont.

- Where? - Mandrake Falls. M-A-N...

"Welcome to Mandrake Falls

"Where the scenery enthralls

"Where no hardship e'er befalls

Welcome to Mandrake Falls"

- That's pretty. - Are you sure this is the town he lives in?

Yes, sir, Mr. Cedar, this is the town, all right.

Well, I dropped everything at the office. I hope it's not a wild-goose chase.

No, sir, we checked it thoroughly. He lives here, all right.

Aha. I spy a native. Let's ask him.

- Good morning. - Morning, neighbors, morning.

Uh...

That's an excellent start. At least we've broken the ice.

I say, my friend, do you know a fellow by the name of Longfellow Deeds?

- Deeds? Yes, sir. Yes, indeedy. - Yes.

- Everyone knows Deeds. - Yeah, would...

Must be a game he's playing.

We'd like to get in touch with him. It's very important.

- Who's that? - Deeds. Who do you think I'm talking about?

Oh, yes, Deeds. Fine fellow. Very democratic.

You would have no trouble at all. Talks to anybody.

- I guess we better try somebody else. - No, we won't.

The next time that jumping jack comes out,

I'll straddle him while you ask him your questions.

Morning, neighbors.

Remember us? We're the fellows who were here a minute ago?

Oh, yeah, yes, indeedy. I never forget a face.

Listen, pop.

We've come all the way from New York to look up a fellow by the name of Deeds.

It's important. It's very important.

You don't have to get rough, neighbor. All you got to do is ask.

Then please pretend, for just one fleeting moment, that I'm asking.

- Where does he reside? - Who?

Longfellow Deeds. Where does he live?

Oh, that's what you want.

Well, why didn't you say so in the first place,

instead of beating around the bush?

Those other fellows don't know what they're talking about.

Come on. I'll take you there in my car.

If they'd only explained to me what they want, there would be no trouble.

Oh. Well, will you come in, please, gentlemen?

- Mr. Deeds in? - No.

He's over to the park, arranging the bazaar so as to raise money for the fire engine.

Mal, you should've knowed he was in the park.

Knew it all the time, but these men said they wanted to see the house.

Can't read their minds if they don't say what they want.

Come in, please. Come in.

- Can I get you a cup of tea? - No, thank you.

Sit down. Sure I couldn't get you a glass of lemonade or something?

No. That's very kind of you.

- Are you related to him? - No, I'm his housekeeper.

Well, we'd like to find out something about him. What does he do for a living?

He and Jim Mason own the tallow works, but that's not where he makes his money.

- He makes most of it from his poetry. - He writes poetry?

Oh, my goodness, yes. Longfellow's famous.

He writes all those things on postcards.

You know, for Christmas and Easter and birthdays.

Sit down, please.

Here's one. He got $25 for this one.

"When you've nowhere to turn and you're filled with doubt

"Don't stand in midstream hesitating

"For you know that your mother's heart cries out,

'I'm waiting, my boy, I'm waiting."'

Isn't that beautiful? Isn't it a lovely sentiment?

Yeah.

Here he is now.

Go. Go on.

I suggest you break it to him gently. He's liable to keel over from the shock.

They've been waiting a long while.

- Who are they? - I don't know.

- Mr. Longfellow Deeds? - Yes.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

I'm John Cedar, of the New York firm of Cedar, Cedar, Cedar & Budington.

"Cedar, Cedar, Cedar & Budington."

Budington must feel like an awful stranger, hmm?

- Mr. Cornelius Cobb. Mr. Anderson. - How do you do?

You gentlemen make yourselves comfortable.

Thank you.

Thanks.

New mouthpiece. Been waiting two weeks for this.

Kids keep swiping them all the time. They use them for bean shooters.

- What can I do for you gentlemen? - You gentlemen going to stay to lunch?

- I'd like to ask you a few questions. - All right.

Mr. Deeds, are you the son of Dr. Joseph and Mary Deeds?

- Yes. - Your parents living?

Why, no.

Well, Mr. Deeds, does the name of Martin W. Semple mean anything to you?

Not much. He's an uncle of mine, I think.

I never saw him. But my mother's name was Semple, you know.

Well, he passed on. He was killed in a motor accident in Italy.

He was? Gee, that's too bad.

- If there's anything I can do to... - I have good news for you, sir.

Mr. Semple left a large fortune when he died.

He left it all to you, Mr. Deeds.

Deducting the taxes, it amounts to something in the neighborhood

of $20,000,000.

How about lunch? Are the gentlemen going to stay or not?

Of course they're gonna stay.

She's got some fresh orange layer cake, you know, with the thick stuff on the top.

Sure. They don't want to go to the hotel.

Perhaps you didn't hear what I said, Mr. Deeds.

The whole Semple fortune goes to you, $20,000,000.

Oh, yes, I heard you, all right. $20,000,000, that's quite a lot, isn't it?

- Oh, it'll do in a pinch. - Yes, indeed.

I wonder why he left me all that money. I don't need it.

Mr. Cobb here is an ex-newspaperman.

Associated with your uncle for many years as a sort of buffer.

Buffer?

Yeah. A glorified doormat.

You see, rich people need someone to keep the crowds away. The world's full of pests.

And then there's the newspapers to handle.

One must know when to seek publicity and when to avoid it.

Cedar, Cedar, Cedar & Budington.

It's funny, I can't think of a rhyme for Budington.

Why should you?

Well, whenever I run across a funny name, I like to poke around for a rhyme.

- Don't you? - No.

- I've got one for Cobb. - Yeah?

"There once was a man named Cobb Who kept Semple away from the mob

"Came the turn of the tide And Semple, he died

Now poor Cobb's out of a job"

- Sounds like a two weeks' notice to me. - Huh?

I've gotten the sackeroo in many ways, but never in rhyme.

Oh, I don't mean that. I'm sure I'm gonna need your help.

Oh, that's different if it's just poetry.

- Are you a married man, Mr. Deeds? - Who, me? No.

No, he's too fussy for that. That's what's the matter with him.

There's lots of nice girls right here in Mandrake Falls

- that are dying to be married... - Don't pay any attention to her.

He's got a lot of foolish notions about saving a lady in distress.

- Now you keep out of this. - Ah.

Saving a lady in distress, eh?

Well, I suppose we all have dreams like that when we're young.

Well, incidentally, we'd better get started. You'll have to pack.

- What for? - You're going to New York with us.

- When? - This afternoon, 4:00.

I don't think we got any suitcases.

Well, we could borrow a couple from Mrs. Simpson.

You know, she went to Niagara Falls last year.

I'm kind of nervous. I've never been away from Mandrake Falls in my life.

- Kind of like to see Grant's tomb, though. - Son, I can understand that.

We'll take a walk around town. Meet you at the train at 4:00.

Congratulations, Mr. Deeds.

You're one of the richest men in the country.

I'll see you later. Good-bye. Thank you.

- See you later, kid. - Good day, sir.

Did you hear what he said? Do you know how much $20,000,000 is?

I don't care how much it is. You sit right there and eat your lunch.

You haven't touched a thing.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny, which nobody can deny ♪

- I can't find him. - You can't?

I've looked everywhere, even went to his house. It's locked up.

Probably had a change of heart.

He wasn't very anxious to come in the first place.

- Here comes the train. - Get back. Get back.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

- Look. - What?

That tuba player.

♪ Which nobody can deny, which nobody can deny ♪

Well, now I've seen everything.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

Good-bye, Mrs. Meredith!

Bye, Jim!

Bye, Buddy!

Gosh, I got a lot of friends.

- Have a drink? - No, thanks.

You'll have a cigar?

No, thank you.

I wouldn't worry if I were you.

Of course, a large fortune like this entails a great responsibility,

but you'll have a good deal of help.

So don't worry. Leave everything to me.

- No, I wasn't worried about that. - No?

I was wondering where they're gonna get another tuba player for the band.

- Hello, John. Where you been? - Hello. I've been fishing.

- Morning. - Morning, Mr. Cedar.

- Morning. - Morning.

- Where are they? - Waiting for you in the other office.

- Good morning, Mr. Cedar. - Morning.

- Good morning, Mr. Cedar. - Morning.

- Good morning, Mr. Cedar. - Morning.

- Hello, boys. - Well, John...

Well, what's he like?

We've nothing to worry about. He's as naive as a child.

- John... - Close that door.

Will you get Mrs. Cedar on the phone, please?

Come on, come on, John, what happened?

You know, the smartest thing I ever did was to make that trip.

- John, did you get the... - No, Budington.

I didn't get the power of attorney, but don't worry, I will.

I asked him last night what he was going to do with the money.

- What do you suppose he said? - What?

- I can't imagine. - He said he guessed he'd give it away.

- Give it away? - The boy must be a nitwit.

Well, John, you had the right hunch.

John, if you don't mind my saying so, we can't afford...

I know, Budington. We can't afford to have the books investigated right now.

You must have said that a thousand times already.

But what if they fall into somebody else's hands?

Well, it hasn't happened yet, has it?

But half a million dollars, my goodness, where will you...

Will you stop worrying?

It was I who got old man Semple to turn everything over to us, wasn't it?

And who got power of attorney from him?

All right, and I'll get it again.

Now, take it easy. Those books will never leave this office.

Yokel. Nothing but a yokel.

Your uncle must've been mad to leave all that money to him.

You're as closely related to him as he is, and what did you get?

- I say, what did you get? - Stop yelling.

- Can I help it if my uncle didn't like me? - I told you to be nice to him.

Ten years we've been waiting for that old man to kick off.

Then we were gonna be on easy street. Yeah, on easy street.

Shut up. It's too late now. And you're a nuisance.

That's just what I'm gonna be, a nuisance.

I'm gonna be a nuisance until I get a hold of some of that money.

He's news.

Every time he blows his nose, it's news.

A corn-fed bohunk like that falling into the Semple fortune is hot copy.

It's got to be personal. It's got to have an angle.

What does he think about?

How does it feel to be a millionaire? Is he going to get married?

What does he think of New York? Is he smart? Is he dumb? A million angles.

He's been here three days, and what have you numbskulls brought in?

- Any half-wit novice could've done better. - Yeah, but we tried to find...

Am I talking too loud or annoying anybody?

Well, you know Corny Cobb. He's keeping him under lock and key.

Cobb. Cobb. Never mind about Cobb. Use what little brains you've got.

Find out something for yourselves, you imbecilic stupes.

Now get out of here before I really tell you what I think of you.

Go on. Get out.

- What was that? - I said you were... You had dirty plaster.

You, too.

Thought I could depend on you, but you're getting as bad as the rest of them.

Look. I can do it.

What's gotten into you, Babe?

I remember the time when you'd blast this town wide open

before you'd let Cobb get away with a thing like this.

Oh, he's not getting away with anything.

Listen, Babe, get me some stuff on this guy and you can have...

- Can I have a month's vacation? - With pay.

- With pay? - Uh-huh.

Leave four columns open on the front page tomorrow.

Now you're talking, Babe. I'll keep the whole front page open.

- What are you gonna do? - Have lunch.

It's the first time I ever had a suit made on purpose.

It's merely a suggestion. I don't wish to press the point, Mr. Deeds.

But if you'll give me your power of attorney, we'll take care of everything.

It'll save you a lot of petty annoyances.

Every shop in town will be trying to sell you something.

Oh, yes. There've been a lot of them around here already.

Strangest kind of people.

Salesmen, politicians, moochers. All want something.

And I haven't had a minute to myself. Haven't seen Grant's tomb yet.

Well, you see, your uncle didn't bother

with that sort of thing. He left everything to us.

He traveled most of the time and enjoyed himself.

You should do the same thing, Mr. Deeds.

Besides wanting to be my lawyer, you wanna handle my investments, too?

Yes. That is to say...

Well, outside of your regular fee, how much extra would it cost?

- Oh, nothing. No extra charge. - Well, that involves a lot of extra work.

Yes, but that's an added service

a firm like Cedar, Cedar, Cedar & Budington usually donates.

Budington.

Funny, I can't think of a rhyme for Budington yet, but...

The gentlemen from the opera are still waiting in the boardroom, sir.

They're getting a trifle impatient, sir.

They are? I forgot all about them. What do you think they want?

Well, your uncle was chairman of the board of directors.

They probably expect you to carry on.

I'll tell those mugs to keep their shirts on and that you'll be right down.

Thanks.

Oh, did you send that telegram to Jim Mason yet?

Jim Mason? Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, I didn't send it. I've got it written out, though. Here it is.

"Arthur's been with the tallow works too long. Stop.

Don't think we should fire him. Longfellow."

That's fine. Send it right away. I don't want him to fire Arthur.

Oh, sure, sure, we don't want to fire Arthur.

He was the last baby my father delivered, Arthur was.

I think you ought to give this matter some thought, Mr. Deeds.

- Huh? - I mean about the power of attorney.

Oh, yes, yes, I will. I'll give it a lot of thought.

There was a fellow named Winslow here a little while ago,

wanted to handle my business for nothing, too.

Puzzles me why these people all want to work for nothing. It isn't natural.

So I guess I'd better think about it some more.

That's that.

You go to an awful lot of work to keep a fellow warm, don't you?

- Yes, sir. - A Mr. Hallor to see you, sir.

- Did you say "Hallor"? - Yes.

Well, don't let him in.

Why not? Who's he?

A lawyer representing a woman. Some claim against the estate.

Tell him to see me at my office.

Well, if he has a claim, we'd better see him. Send him in.

Well, he's capable of causing you a lot of trouble, Mr. Deeds.

How can he make any trouble for me? I haven't done anything.

I thought I told you to take this matter up with me, Hallor.

I'm a little tired of being pushed around by you, Mr. Cedar.

I don't care how important you are.

- Mr. Deeds, I represent Mrs. Semple. - Mrs. Semple?

Yes, your uncle's common-law wife. She has a legal claim on the estate.

Suppose we let the courts decide what...

You wouldn't dare go into court with a case like this, and you know it.

I leave it to you, Mr. Deeds.

Can you conceive of any court not being in sympathy with a woman

who gave up the best years of her life for an old man like your uncle?

- What kind of a wife did you say she was? - Common-law wife.

- And on top of that, there's a child. - Child? My uncle?

- Yes, sir. - Well, that's awful.

The poor woman should be taken care of immediately.

Well, I'm glad to see you're willing to be reasonable, Mr. Deeds.

Well, if she was his wife, she should have all the money. That's only fair.

- I don't want a penny. - Don't make any rash promises.

You better get right down there.

That opera mob is about to break into the mad song from Lucia.

Oh, I don't wanna keep them waiting any longer. They're important people.

Very good, sir. Right here, sir.

I can't go down like this, though.

Right here, sir.

I wish you'd go along with me. Cobb, they're all strangers to me.

- Well, what about it, Mr. Deeds? - Huh?

Oh. You'll excuse me, won't you? I'll be right back.

Gee, I'm busy. Do the opera people always come here for their meetings?

Uh-huh.

- That's funny. Why's that? - Why do mice go where there's cheese?

From what I'm led to believe, the young man's quite childish.

I don't think we'll have any difficulty getting him to put up the entire amount.

- After all, it's only a matter of $180,000. - Excellent idea.

You know, gentlemen, we're really very fortunate

the young man is so sympathetic toward music.

He plays the tuba in the town band.

- Here he comes. - Good.

Now, gentlemen, the first order of business

will be the election a new chairman of the board.

As a sentimental gesture toward the best friend that opera ever had,

the late Mr. Semple,

I think it only fitting that his nephew, Mr. Longfellow Deeds,

should be made our next chairman.

- I therefore nominate him. - Second.

- All those in favor? - Aye!

Carried.

Our congratulations, Mr. Deeds.

- I'm chairman? - Why, yes, of course.

You've just been elected.

- I'm chairman. - Happy voyage.

Right here, Mr. Deeds.

Now, the next order of business is the reading of the secretary's minutes.

- Move we dispense with it. - Second.

- All in favor? - Aye!

I think they can be dispensed with.

We're ready now for the reading of the treasurer's report.

- Move we dispense with it. - Second.

- All in favor. - Aye.

Quite right. Now, gentlemen, the next order of business...

Well, just a minute. What does the chairman do?

Why, the chairman presides the meeting.

Well, that's what I thought.

But, if you don't mind, I'm rather interested in the treasurer's report.

I'd like to hear it.

The treasurer reports a deficit of $180,000 for the current year.

A deficit? You mean we lost that much?

You see, Mr. Deeds, the opera is not conducted for profit.

It isn't? What is it conducted for?

- Why, it's an artistic institution. - Uh...

- We own an opera house, don't we? - We do.

- And we give shows? - We provide opera.

But you charge. I mean, you sell tickets?

- Of course. - And it doesn't pay?

Well, that's impossible. The opera has never paid.

Well, then, we must give the wrong kind of shows.

The wrong kind? Well, there isn't any wrong kind or right kind.

Opera is opera.

I guess it is, but I personally wouldn't care to be the head of a business

that kept losing money.

That wouldn't be common sense.

Incidentally, where is the $180,000 coming from?

Well, we were rather expecting it to come from you.

- Me? - Naturally.

Excuse me, gentlemen. There's nothing natural about that.

Hey! Fire engine!

Gee, that was a pip.

We're gonna have one like that in Mandrake Falls pretty soon,

with a siren, too.

Uh, where were we?

You see, Mr. Deeds, the opera is not conducted like any ordinary business.

- Why not? - Because it just isn't a business,

that's all.

Well, maybe it isn't to you, but it certainly is a business to me

if I have to make up a loss of $180,000.

If it's losing that much money, there must be something wrong.

Maybe you charge too much.

Maybe you're selling bad merchandise. Maybe...

A lot of things. I don't know.

You see, I expect to do a lot of good with that money,

and I can't afford to put it into anything that I don't look into.

That's my decision for the time being, gentlemen.

Good-bye, and thank you for making me chairman.

Gentlemen, you'll find the smelling salts in the medicine chest.

Sorry to keep you waiting so long.

Those opera people are funny. They wanted me to put up $180,000.

- What about it, Mr. Deeds? - Why, I turned them down, naturally.

- No, no, I mean about my client. - Oh.

Well, we'll have to do something about the common wife.

- Tails tonight, sir? - Tails?

Why, that's a monkey suit. Do you want people to laugh at me?

I've never worn one of those things in my life.

- Yes, sir. - Good-bye, and thank you, sir.

Bye. Wants me to wear a monkey suit.

Of course, we don't want to appear greedy, Mr. Deeds.

- Huh? - I say, we don't want to appear greedy.

Oh, that.

- What do you think you're doing? - Why, I'm assisting you, sir.

Get up from there. I don't want anybody holding the ends of my pants.

- Get up from there. - Yes, sir.

Hmph. Imagine that. Holding the ends of my pants.

Mrs. Semple is entitled by law to one-third of the estate.

And don't ever get on your knees again, understand?

No, sir.

Excuse me. What'd you say?

Mrs. Semple is entitled to one-third of the estate.

One-third. That's about $7,000,000, isn't it?

Well, we didn't expect that much.

I'm sure I can get her to settle quietly for one million.

If there's any talk of settlement, Hallor, take it up with me at the office.

- I'll do no such thing. - That's right. Don't you go to his office.

There's only one place you're going, and that's out the door.

- What? You're making a mistake, Mr. Deeds. - Oh, no, I'm not.

I don't like your face.

Besides, there's something fishy about

a person who would settle for $1,000,000,

when they can get $7,000,000.

I'm surprised that Mr. Cedar, who's supposed to be a smart man,

couldn't see through that.

Now, wait a minute, buddy...

One nice thing about being rich, you ring a bell and things happen.

When the servant comes in, Mr. Hallor, I'm gonna ask him to show you to the door.

Many people don't know where it is.

No use in getting tough. That'll get you nowhere, Deeds.

You know, we got letters.

- Will you show Mr. Hallor to the front door? - Yes, sir.

And listen, there isn't any wife,

there aren't any letters, and I think you're a crook,

so you'd better watch your step.

I can't hold out any longer.

Lamb bites wolf. Beautiful.

It's only common sense.

I can't hold out any longer either, Mr. Deeds.

Being an attorney for you will be a very simple affair.

You're not my attorney yet, Mr. Cedar, not till I find out what's on your mind.

Suppose you get the books straightened out quick, so I can have a look at them.

Yes, of course, if you wish.

But you must be prepared. This sort of thing will be daily routine.

If it becomes annoying, you let me know.

Good-bye, Mr. Deeds.

Good-bye, sir.

Even his hands are oily.

Well, how about tonight?

What would you like in the way of entertainment?

Entertainment?

Your uncle had a weakness for dark ones. Tall and stately.

How would you like yours? Dark or fair?

Tall or short? Fat or thin? Tough or tender?

- What are you talking about? - Women.

- Ever heard of them? - Oh.

Name your poison, and I'll supply it.

Well, some other time, Cobb. Some other time.

Okay. You're the boss. When your blood begins to boil, yell out.

I'll be seeing you.

He talks about women as if they were cattle.

Every man to his taste, sir.

Tell me, Walter, are all these stories I hear about my uncle true?

Well, sir, he sometimes had as many as 20 in the house at the same time, sir.

20? What'd he do with them?

That is something I was never able to find out, sir.

Hey. You going out?

- Well, yes. Isn't that all right? - No.

You never want to go out without telling us.

- Who are you? - We're your bodyguards.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

Mr. Cobb said stick to your tail, no matter what.

Well, that's very nice of Mr. Cobb,

but I don't want anybody sticking to my tail, no matter what.

Sorry, mister. Orders is orders.

- Is that so? - Yes, sir.

We gotta get you up in the morning, we gotta put you to bed at night.

Only it's all right. No matter what we see, we don't see nothing, see?

- Well, that's gonna be fun. - Some people like it.

Will you do something for me before we go out?

- Sure. - Put that away, slug. At your service.

I got a trunk in that room. Will you get it out for me?

- Certainly. - With pleasure.

Hey! Hey!

We're your bodyguards! You can't do this!

- Hey! - We're your bodyguards! Hey!

There he is.

- Yup, that's him. - That's who?

- Get your cameras ready and follow me. - What are you gonna do?

Never mind. Follow me and grab whatever you can get.

I suppose it's gonna be the same old thing.

- I tell you, that dame's nuts. - Right.

- You fainted. - Oh, did I? I'm sorry.

- Can I help you? - No, thank you. I'll be all right.

- Look, this is my house. I'd like to... - Oh, no, really. I'll be all right.

What happened?

Well, I... I guess I walked too much.

I've been looking for a job all day, I... I found one, too. I start tomorrow.

You've been awfully kind. Thank you very much.

Hey, taxi!

Hey, Stu, follow that cab they just got into, will you?

Hurry up! Step on it!

- Come on, come on. Let's go. - Hurry up!

Feel better now?

Mm.

This tastes so good.

Mr. Deeds, I don't know how I can ever thank you.

Tell me more about yourself.

Well, I guess I've told you almost everything there is to tell.

My folks live in a small town near Hartford.

I'm down here alone trying to make a living.

Oh, I'm really just a nobody.

Oh, that was so lovely. Thank you.

You were a lady in distress, weren't you?

- What? - Well, nothing. I...

- Waiter. Has anybody come in yet? - Huh? Oh, no. Nobody important.

Be sure and point them out to me, won't you?

- Mm-hmm. - I'm a writer myself, you know.

- Uh-huh. - I write poetry.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you've been having quite an exciting time here, haven't you?

With all these meetings and business deals, and society people.

- Haven't you been having fun? - No.

That is, I didn't, not till I met you. I like talking to you, though.

Imagine my finding you right on my doorstep.

- Brookfield's just come in. - Who? The poet? Where?

Over at that big round table. The one that looks like a poodle.

- Look, there's Brookfield, the poet. - Oh, really?

Pardon.

Longfellow Deeds, who just inherited the Semple fortune, wants to meet you.

Oh, yes. I read about him. He writes poetry on postcards.

Well, let's invite him over. Might get a couple of laughs.

- Getting rather dull around here. - It's always dull here.

- I'll get him. - Good.

Mr. Henaberry. Mr. Morrow. Bill.

This is Mr. Deeds and his fiancée from Mandrake Falls.

How do you do, Mr. Deeds?

Nice of you to ask us to come and sit with you.

Back home we never get a chance to meet famous people.

- Waiter, a little service here. - Yes, a little drink for Mr. Deeds.

Poet, have a drink.

- No, I don't want it, thank you. - Well, you must drink. All poets drink.

Tell me, Mr. Deeds, how do you go about writing your poems?

We craftsmen are very interested in one another's methods.

Yes, do you have to wait for an inspiration, or do you just dash it off?

Well, I don't...

Morrow over there for instance just dashes them off.

Yeah. That's what my publishers have been complaining about.

Well, your readers don't complain, Mr. Morrow.

- Oh. Thanks. Thanks. - How about you, Mr. Deeds?

Well, I write mine on order.

The people I work for just tell me what they want,

- and then I go to work and write it. - Amazing.

Why, that's true genius.

Yes, have you any peculiar characteristics when you're creating?

- Well, I play the tuba. - How original.

Well, I've been playing the harmonica for 40 years.

Didn't do me a bit of good.

You wouldn't have one in your pocket, would you, Mr. Deeds?

What, a tuba?

No, a postcard with one of your poems on it.

Oh, no...

You mean to tell me you don't carry a pocketful around with you?

Oh, too bad. I was hoping you'd autograph one for me.

- I was, too. - Now wait a minute, boys.

- Perhaps Mr. Deeds would recite one for us. - Yeah.

That's a very good idea. Nothing like a poet reciting his own stuff.

How about a Mother's Day poem, Mr. Deeds?

Exactly. Give us one that rings the great American heart.

- Yes. Go ahead. - That's a good idea.

I guess I get the idea.

I guess I know why I was invited here, to make fun of me.

- Oh, no, not at all. - Don't be ridiculous.

Look, he's temperamental.

Yeah? What if I am? What about it?

It's easy to make fun of somebody if you don't care how much you hurt them.

I think your poems are swell, Mr. Brookfield, but I'm disappointed in you.

I know I must look funny to you,

but maybe if you went to Mandrake Falls you'd look just as funny to us,

only nobody'd laugh at you and make you feel ridiculous

'cause that wouldn't be good manners.

I guess maybe it is comical to write poems for postcards.

But a lot of people think they're good. Anyway, it's the best I can do.

So if you'll excuse me, we'll be leaving.

I guess I found out that all famous people aren't big people.

- Look, he's burning up. - There's just one thing more.

If it weren't for Miss Dawson being here with me,

- I'd probably bump your heads together. - Oh, I don't mind.

Well, then I guess maybe I will.

Waiter. Get him.

Eureka.

Stop it. Just go away, go away, go away. Step aside. Step aside.

Say, fella, you neglected me and I feel very put out.

Look, sock it right there, will you? Lay one right in the butt. Sock it hard.

- That's all right. I've got it off my chest. - Oh, listen.

The difference between them and me is that I know when I've been a skunk.

You take me to the nearest newsstand and I'll eat a pack of your postcards raw.

Raw!

Oh, what a magnificent deflation of smugness!

Pal, you've added 10 years to my life.

A poet with a straight left and a right hook? Delicious. Delicious.

You're my guest from now on, forever and a day, even unto eternity.

Well, thanks, but Miss Dawson and I are going out to see the sights.

Fine. Fine. Swell.

You've just shown me a sight lovely to behold, and I'd like to reciprocate.

Listen, you hop aboard my magic carpet... Thanks.

And I'll show you sights that you've never seen before.

Well, I'd kind of like to see Grant's tomb and the Statue of Liberty.

Well, you'll not only see those, but before the evening's half through

you'll be leaning against the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

You'll mount Mount Everest.

I'll show you the pyramids and all the little pyramidees

leaping from sphinx to sphinx.

Pal, look, how would you like to go on a real old-fashioned binge?

- Binge? - Yeah, I mean the real McCoy.

Listen, you play saloon with me

and I'll introduce you to every wit, every nitwit and every half-wit in New York.

We'll go on a twister that'll make Omar, the soused philosopher of Persia,

look like an anemic on a goat's milk diet.

- I guess that ought to be fun, huh? - Fun? Say...

Listen, I'll take you on a bender

that will live in your memory as a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

Boy? Boy, my headpiece!

O Tempora! O Mores! O Bacchus!

- Oh, you're drunk. - Oh, you're right!

I guess if we go with him, we'll see things, huh?

Yeah, I guess we will.

"'I play the tuba to help me think.'

"This is one of the many startling statements made by Longfellow Deeds,

"New York's new Cinderella Man,

"who went out last night to prove that his uncle, the late M.W. Semple,

"from whom he inherited $20,000,000,

was a rank amateur in the art of standing the town on its cauliflower ear."

"Cinderella Man." That's sensational, Babe, sensational.

Took some high-powered acting, believe me.

- Did it? - I was the world's sweetest ingénue.

- Is he really that big a sap? - Ha!

He's the original. There are no carbon copies of that one.

"Cinderella Man." Babe, you've stuck a title on that hick

that'll stick to him the rest of his life.

Can you imagine Cobb's face when he reads this?

If we could sell tickets, we'd make a fortune.

- How'd you get the picture? - Had the boys follow us.

Marvelous.

"At 2:00 this morning, Mr. Deeds tied up traffic

"while he fed a bagful of donuts to a horse.

"When asked why he was doing it, he replied,

"'I just wanted to see how many donuts this horse would eat

before he asked for a cup of coffee."'

Beautiful. What happened after that?

I don't know. I had to duck to get the story out.

He was so far gone, he never even missed me.

When are you gonna see him again?

Tonight, maybe. I'll phone him at noon. Oh, my lunch hour.

I'm a stenographer, you know. Mary Dawson.

You're a genius, Babe, a genius.

I even moved into Mabel Dawson's apartment,

in case old snoopy Cobb might start looking around.

Good. Good, stay there. Don't show your face down here.

I'll tell everybody you're on your vacation.

They'll never know where the stories are coming from.

Stick close to him, Babe.

You can get an exclusive story out of him every day for a month.

We'll have the other papers crazy.

- Babe, I could kiss you. - Oh, no. No.

- Our deal was for a month's vacation. - Sure.

- With pay. - You'll get it, Babe. You'll get it.

Mr. Deeds. Mr. Deeds, sir.

You really must get up. It's late.

- You're Walter, aren't you? - Yes, sir.

Just wanted to make sure.

If you'll permit me to say so, sir, you were out on quite a bender last night, sir.

Bender?

You're wrong, Walter. We started out to a binge, but we never got to it.

Yes, sir.

- Oh, what's that? - A prairie oyster, sir.

- Prairie oyster? - Yes, sir.

It makes the head feel smaller.

Oh.

Has...

Has Miss Dawson called yet?

Miss Dawson, sir? No, sir. No Miss Dawson's called, sir.

She was a lady in distress. She wouldn't let me help her.

- Had a lot of pride. I like that. - Oh, I do, too, sir.

I'd better call her up and apologize. I don't remember taking her home last night.

I'd venture to say, sir,

you don't remember much of anything that happened last night, sir.

What do you mean? I remember everything.

Hand me my pants. I wrote her phone number on a piece of paper.

You have no pants, sir. You came home last night without them.

I did what?

As a matter of fact, you came home without any clothes.

You were in your shorts. Yes, sir.

Oh, don't be silly, Walter.

I couldn't walk around on the streets without any clothes. I'd be arrested.

That's what the two policemen said, sir.

- What two policemen? - The ones who brought you home, sir.

They said you and another gentleman kept walking up and down the street shouting,

"Back to nature. Clothes are a blight on civilization. Back to nature."

Listen, Walter, if a man named Morrow calls up, tell him I'm not in.

He may be a great author, but I think he's crazy.

The man's crazy, Walter.

Yes, sir.

Oh, by the way, did... Did you...

- The knee. - But how will I put on the slipper, sir?

Yes, sir.

I beg pardon, sir, but did you ever find what you were looking for, sir?

Looking for?

You kept searching me last night, sir, going through all my pockets.

You said you were looking for a rhyme for "Budington."

- Better bring me some coffee, Walter. - Very good, sir.

Oh, I beg pardon. A telegram came for you, sir.

I'll get you some black coffee, sir.

Did you see all this stuff in the paper?

- Arthur wants to quit. - Arthur? Who's Arthur?

He's the shipping clerk at the tallow works. He wants a $2 raise, or he'll quit.

What do I care about Arthur? Did you see this stuff in the paper?

How did it get in there? What did you do last night?

Who were you talking to? And what did you do to those bodyguards?

They quit this morning. Said you locked them up.

Oh, they insisted on following me.

What do you think bodyguards are for?

What do they mean by this? "Cinderella Man."

- Are those stories true? - "Cinderella Man"?

What do they mean by that?

They'd call you anything if you gave them half a chance.

They got you down as a sap.

I think I'll go down and punch this editor in the nose.

No, you don't. Get this clear.

Socking people in the nose is no solution for anything.

- Sometimes it's the only solution. - Not editors. Take my word for it.

Not editors.

- If they're gonna poke fun at me, I'm-- - Listen, Longfellow.

You got brains, kid.

You'll get along swell if you'll only curb your homicidal instincts.

And keep your trap shut. Don't talk to anybody.

These newshounds are out gunning for you.

- And what about this "Cinderella Man"? - That's my job. I'll take care of that.

I'll keep that stuff out of the papers if you'll help me.

But I can't do anything if you go around talking to people.

Will you promise me to be careful from now on, huh?

- Yes, I guess I'll have to. - Thank you.

If you feel the building rock, it'll be me, blasting into this editor.

Cobb's right. I mustn't talk to anybody.

- Miss Dawson on the phone, sir. - Who? Miss Dawson?

Yes, sir.

Fine. I'll talk to her. Give me the phone, quick.

She's the only one I'm gonna talk to from now on.

Awfully nice of you to show me around like this.

I enjoy it.

The aquarium was swell. If I lived in New York, I'd go there every day.

I bet you do.

Well, I'd like to, but I have a job to think of.

Hey, flap ears, you better keep following that bus!

Keep your shirt on!

Well, looks as though we're gonna get no pictures tonight.

Babe ought to get him drunk again.

Got any news? I mean, has anything exciting been happening lately?

- Sure. I met you. - Oh.

What's happening about the opera?

Oh, that. Well, we had another meeting. I told them I'd go on being chairman if...

- I'm chairman, you know. - Yeah, I know.

Well, I told them I'd play along with them if they lowered prices,

- and cut down expenses and broadcast. - Oh. What'd they say?

Gee, you look pretty tonight.

- What'd they say? - Huh? Oh.

Well, they said I was crazy.

They said I wanted to run it like a grocery store.

What are they going to do?

Do you always wear your hair like that?

Isn't it a scream? "Cinderella Man." The dope.

Like to get my hooks into that guy.

Don't worry. Someone's probably taking him for plenty.

If they were men, I'd knock their heads together.

- You seen the papers? - Uh-huh.

That's what I like about you. You think about a man's feelings.

I'd like to go down to that newspaper

and punch the fellow in the nose that's writing that stuff.

"Cinderella Man."

I guess pretty soon everybody'll be calling me Cinderella Man.

Uh, would you like to walk the rest of the way? It's so nice out.

- Yes. - Yeah, let's.

Hey, wise guys, he's getting off.

- Hey, come on, pull up to the curb! - Hurry up!

Up the curb!

Oh, come on. Don't you want to see it?

Well, feast your eyes. Grant's tomb.

Is that it?

Hey, beetle puss. The tomb.

Well, there you are. Grant's tomb. Hope you're not disappointed.

- It's wonderful. - To most people, it's an awful letdown.

Huh?

I say, to most people, it's a washout.

Well, that depends on what they see.

- Now, what do you see? - Me?

Oh, I see a small Ohio farm boy becoming a great soldier.

I see thousands of marching men.

I see General Lee, with a broken heart, surrendering.

And I can see the beginning of a new nation, like Abraham Lincoln said.

And I can see that Ohio boy being inaugurated as president.

Things like that can only happen in a country like America.

Excuse me.

Sorry, Mr. Hopper. Mr. Cedar won't answer his phone. Sorry.

- Say, what's going on in the boss's office? - Search me.

The three "C's" and little "B" have been in there for over an hour.

I don't want to be critical, John, but here it is...

Yes, I know. A week's gone by and we haven't got the power of attorney yet.

- Yes, but you said... - I don't care what I said.

I can't strangle him, can I?

It's ridiculous for us to have to worry about a boy like that.

Look at these articles about him. "Cinderella Man."

- Why, he's carrying on like an idiot. - Exactly what I was saying to my wife...

Who cares what you were saying to your wife?

Yeah?

Mr. and Mrs. Semple are still waiting.

Well, I can't help it. Let them wait.

Those people have been in to see me every day this week.

- Who are they? - They're relatives of old man Semple.

They keep insisting they should have some nuisance value.

Nuisance value?

They say if it hadn't been for Deeds, they'd have gotten all the money.

Nuisance value. Maybe they have. Maybe they have.

Maybe they have.

Mr. and Mrs. Semple, please.

- How do you do? - We've been trying to see you...

I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting. How are you, sir?

I don't know what my secretary could've been thinking of,

to keep you waiting this long. Will you bring the chairs? Quickly.

Will you... Will you have a cigar, Mr. Semple?

Thanks.

- There's Times Square. - You can almost spit on it, can't you?

Why don't you try?

It's breezy up here.

You're worried about those articles they're writing about you, aren't you?

Oh, I'm not worrying anymore.

I suppose they'll go on writing them till they get tired.

You don't believe all that stuff, do you?

Oh, they just do it to sell the newspapers, you know.

Yeah, I guess so.

What puzzles me is

why people seem to get so much pleasure out of hurting each other.

Why don't they try liking each other once in a while?

Shall we go?

Here's a nice place.

Yeah. Anyway, there aren't any photographers around.

You know, you said something to me when you first met me

I've thought about a great deal.

- What's that? - You said I was a lady in distress.

Oh. That.

- What did you mean by that? - Nothing.

Have you got a...

Uh, are you engaged or anything?

- No. Are you? - No.

You don't go out with girls very much, do you?

- I haven't. - Why not?

Oh, I don't know.

You must've met a lot of swell society girls since you've been here.

Don't you like them?

Well, I haven't met anybody here that I like particularly.

They all seem to have the Saint Vitus' Dance.

Except you, of course.

People here are funny.

They work so hard at living, they forget how to live.