Original subtitles

We made it, gang. Oregon.

She sure is purty, huh, boss?

She sure is.

And she's ours for the taking.

Guys? Uh... Guys, wait up.

I'm having trouble steering my horse.

- Okay, I... - Turn left.

No, mine's broken. It's broken.

No, the other left. My left.

Okay, I know he saved us from certain death and all,

but do we really have to babysit this idiot?

Okay, great. Now I'm just going in reverse.

Can I get a new one?

Yeah, let's just go.

Wow, Prudence!

It's more majestic than I ever could have imagined.

Maybe if you untied me we could

- enjoy the view together. - Nice try.

The last time I did that, you tried

to gouge my eyes out with a spoon.

Not very wifely of you.

That's because you betrayed our friends

and left them to die, you rat bastard!

Hey! Language!

And need I remind you that I'm the victim here?

If you hadn't betrayed me

and slept with that snake-in-the-grass reverend,

none of this would've happened.

But, despite your past misdeeds,

I still think we can make it work.

We'll have a new, fresh start in Oregon.

Todd, how could you possibly believe that?

You're literally holding me prisoner against my will.

Ah, it's a funny story we'll tell the kids one day.

Now stop complaining.

You're upsetting the horse.

Crops are coming in nicely.

We should have plenty this year.

Greetings, travelers!

Welcome to Oregon!

- I'm Governor Lane. - Happy to be here.

Please, help yourself to as much land as you want.

There's lumber and cattle

and basically anything you need.

Also, if you're running low on cash,

there's plenty of gold in the river.

Gold?

- In the river? - Yes.

It's quite a nuisance, actually.

I'm always stubbing my dang toe on gold!

Oh, my God, I hate when that happens to me!

Oh, and my apologies.

We don't have much by the way of law and order out here.

Mostly go by the honor system.

I hope that's all right.

Oh, that's more than all right.

Gang, let's get to work.

Gang, you say?

Oh, my! Many horses.

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

Well, I guess we didn't make it to Oregon before winter.

Looks like we're stuck here until the storm passes.

I just feel bad for the Rev out there on his own.

I don't feel bad for that sinner.

He can freeze his wicked willie off for all I care.

We can't go on like this.

We ate the provisions, we ate the oxen.

We're all gonna starve to death!

Okay, Martha, you're being a tad dramatic,

don't you think? No one's gonna die.

He's dead.

Okay, you gotta admit,

the timing on that one was pretty funny.

Poor William. So young, strong.

And juicy.

Seems like a waste to bury him.

All that meat and yummy blood.

Okay, are you talking about what I think you're talking about?

- We're talking about eating him. - Yeah, that's what I thought

you were talking about.

Guys, we're not eating people!

Clearly I'm no moral authority,

but if the Rev were here,

he would say something cheesy

yet ultimately uplifting about doing the right thing!

The Rev ain't here, is he? And I'm getting hungry.

Oh, so that's it.

Now we're all just cool with being cannibals?

- Yep. - Sure, yeah.

- I'm good with it. - Amen.

I'll get the fire started!

Wow. All right, then.

I'm gonna go see what the Rev is up to.

Hey, boss. What's got you down?

Oh, nothing.

It's just, Oregon isn't what I was expecting.

Are you kidding? This place is a paradise!

Hell, I'm richer than a Rockefeller.

See, that's the problem.

It's impossible to be bad here

when everything is so damn... good.

I don't follow.

Look.

Hey, you.

Give me all your money.

Oh, my pleasure.

You're actually doing me a favor.

My jacket was getting heavy.

Do you need an extra watch? I got plenty.

- No, thank you! Bye. - All right, you're welcome.

See? How am I supposed to be the most feared outlaw

in the entire country if there's plenty to go around?

Re-elect Governor Lane!

For four more years of health,

wealth, and prosperity!

That's it.

If I became governor, then I could make Oregon

just as shitty as the rest of America.

Boss... you can't run for governor!

- You're a... - Woman.

And Black.

And a convicted serial killer. Yeah, that's a lot.

If only we knew a dumb, rich white guy

who could run for me...

Wait a minute!

We do know a dumb, rich white guy!

Hey, sugar plum.

Your devoted hubby made you breakfast in bed!

Well... breakfast in cage.

Let me out of here, you psycho.

You really think this is gonna make me love you?

What, you don't like this cage?

No, I don't like you!

Well, you like the swing.

Yes, I like the swing.

Hey, Todd.

Oh, hey, nice cage.

Piss off.

Trig, why are you here?

Just wanted to see how you were settling in.

Hmm. Pictured a man of your station

living somewhere nicer.

Hmph!

Somewhere like... the governor's mansion?

I'm listening.

I want to help you become

the next governor of Oregon.

And in return, I may ask you

to pass a bill or two turning Oregon

into a living hell on Earth.

Yeah, right! Like anyone would willingly jeopardize

an entire state just to stoke their ego.

You're absolutely right.

Now about this governor's mansion.

Does it come with a big desk?

- The biggest. - Okay, I'm in.

- All right. - What?

Hey, Rev!

You alive in there?

Benny? Benny!

Great to see you! Come in, come in!

Welcome to Chez Zeke. Ha ha.

Take a seat.

Uh, nice place you got.

Oh, thank you. What a nice thing to say.

Yes, it was a bit lonely at first,

being banished to a frozen wilderness,

it's given me loads of time to explore my other interests.

For instance, I learned how to bake sourdough!

Want some?

It's mostly twigs and dirt,

but you can hardly tell the difference.

Yeah, maybe later.

Look, there's some bad stuff going down at the cabin.

I need you to come back with me

and talk some sense into everyone!

You know, do your preacher thing.

- No, I can't do that. - Why not?

Because everything I preached was a lie!

I devoted my entire life to God, and what for?

Prudence is in mortal danger and we are trapped,

dying, on a mountainside.

Ah, you're just in a bad mood.

Probably due to late-stage hypothermia.

Come on, I need you to come with me!

Oh! And uh, you might want to shave.

You look like Davy Crockett if he was a huge pervert.

Guys! Oh.

Look who I found.

Ezekiel.

I'm disappointed to see you haven't frozen to death.

Hi, Phaedra. It's nice to see you, too.

All right, go on, Rev.

Tell them what they're doing is wrong.

We know it doesn't look great.

- I'm not gonna tell you that. - You're not?

God doesn't care what you do.

Nothing matters.

In fact, may I?

Bon app�tit.

Whoa!

Leave some for the rest of us.

Huh. Did not see that one coming.

Man.

Rev, this shoulder's delicious.

What'd you put in it?

- Blood. - Blood? Hmm.

- Oh, now I taste it. - Mm-hmm.

Can someone please pass the butt?

Benny, did you want some light

or dark meat, or penis?

I'll pass, thanks.

Rev, you gotta put a stop to this.

The Bible must say something about not eating people.

I mean, sure, God says it's a sin, but,

God and I are not speaking at the moment.

He abandoned me.

Ezekiel, I'm so sorry.

Really, who does that to a person?

I'm sure he's just busy with work!

You know, probably creating a new planet

or designing a new kind of giraffe.

It doesn't work like that. And in the meantime,

nothing's gonna stop me from enjoying

another serving of William.

No! Where did William go?

Looks like we ate him all up.

But I'm still hungry.

William is just like Chinese food.

You know? I get so full,

and then five minutes later I'm like, "I could do seconds."

Well, too bad there aren't any more bodies to eat.

Not yet, at least.

Don't you look at me, boy.

Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm not.

Let's eat him next.

CROWD, CHANTING: Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!

Make Oregon bad! Make Oregon bad!

Yes!

The old governor wanted peace and prosperity

for everyone... and

I say we do the exact opposite,

because...

America!

He is killing it out there!

I can't believe people are falling for this.

Todd doesn't know the first thing about politics.

He's just loud and obnoxious.

I know. He's a genius.

I mean, an idiot, but a genius.

If they found out he was keeping his wife in a cage,

they would never vote for him.

And they never will find out, will they?

I want you to meet someone very special to me,

my adoring wife, Prudence. What do you say?

- You want to meet Prudence? - Yeah!

Let's get her out here!

- That's a bad idea. - No, this is a good idea.

No, I say it's a bad idea.

No, Trig, I swear to God, get her out here.

You know, actually, I'd love to.

Todd's wife, Prudence! Todd's wife, Prudence!

There she is, my loving wife, everyone.

That's it, keep waving.

Oh, this is good. This is nice.

Hey, Prudence, why don't you tell the crowd

what you love most about me?

Uh, I'd have to think.

Tell them he's a great family man.

- Do it. - Uh...

He's a great family man.

Family!

My grandmother in particular loves him, yeah.

Her name is Ima. Ima Hostage.

You never told me about Ima before.

She sounds lovely.

So was her husband.

Yeah, his name was, This Is An Emergency

Call The Police, Someone,

Anyone, Please.

Okay, that's enough. Let's go.

Oh, whoa, whoa, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

I think the people would love to see

the new governor and his wife kiss.

No, no, there's no way. I'm not doing that.

Kiss him or you die.

Oh, that's sweet. They're in love.

You don't want to eat me.

You know, I wouldn't even taste good.

All I eat is water and millet, like a bird.

What about the gunslinger?

- Ooh. - Yeah, right.

Like you could handle this spice?

Ezekiel!

Ezekiel!

Who is that?

It's me, God!

God?

That's right, the big kahuna himself.

I never should have left you, baby.

But I'm back for good, so,

you should probably stop eating people now.

I know it's you, Benny.

I wish I was Benny.

That guy's cool.

Hurry up and take me back, will you?

I'm freezing my balls off up here in Heaven! Whoa!

It's okay, it's not God.

Why are you doing this, Benny?

To stop you from doing something you'll regret forever.

You're only hurting yourself with this good guy act.

Once you realize God doesn't care

you'll be a lot happier.

And a lot less hungry.

Come on, everyone. Dinner time.

Little help? Oh.

- Benny, if this is another trick... - No more tricks.

This good guy stuff is not much fun,

and the truth is,

I really could use a bite to eat.

You're in luck.

We happen to have an extra seat at the table tonight.

We are preparing a beautiful broth

for tonight's meal.

Mm. Needs more salt.

- Yes, chef. - And here we have

the main course.

Levi!

Hi, Uncle Benny!

I'm in my secret fort.

You're eating the kid?!

It's the most humane option, really.

The boy's on death's door as it is.

Plus he's so young and tender.

Isn't that right, my little veal chop?

My belly's full of butter.

Right! Shall we get started?

Everyone, we're about to begin.

This will not just be a meal,

it will be a culinary voyage

and, dare I say, my masterpiece.

Sorry, Rev. No one's eating this kid today.

Gross!

We don't want to eat you!

You're old and nasty!

I'll bet I taste delicious.

Haven't you heard of aged prime beef?

Benny, this is pointless.

You are not gonna convince me that God is coming back.

Fine! Maybe God did abandon you, I don't know.

But I do know you can still do the right thing.

No, I can't!

All right, if there is no God,

there is no hope. We are just alone.

That's not true.

We still have each other!

You taught me how to take care of other people.

Now it's my turn to take care of you.

Even if it means I have to become a human dumpling.

I don't believe you.

You're not gonna let yourself cook.

Oh, I'm not, am I?

Guess I'd better make myself comfortable.

?? La di dee, la di da... ??

?? La di dee, la di da... ??

Oh, you'd better decide quick, Rev.

I'm medium rare at this point, borderline medium.

Fine! I believe you! Please, get out.

Whoo!

All right, Rev,

I knew you'd do the right thing.

Ow!

Hey! Levi,

did you just take a bite out of me?

Ew! He tastes like an old hamburger!

Oh, Levi, you little scamp!

I'm glad we didn't eat him.

Well, if the early numbers are any indication,

we're looking at the next governor of Oregon.

Prudence?

I'm sure you'd love to celebrate

your darling husband's success.

- Champagne, dear? - I'm not celebrating this.

You handed Oregon to the bad guys.

You make me sick.

You know what? Fine! Be that way.

I don't need your love anymore.

I have the love of the American people.

Wait! Todd?

I do love you.

You do?

I didn't realize until now, but...

watching your craven rise to power

through no effort or ability of your own,

well, it's kinda sexy.

Rowr!

Now come in here and give baby a kiss.

Oh, Prudence.

I knew that if I demanded you to love me long enough

that you'd eventually come around.

Now say those three magic words again.

I...

hate you!

Aah! Oh!

- Ow! - Ha!

She's escaping! Get her!

Damn it!

Everybody stop!

Todd is lying to you.

We are not happily married.

The truth is, he is a total psychopath

who's been keeping me in a cage.

Okay, well, it sounds bad when you say it like that.

This is an outrage.

I am sickened to my core by your actions.

Which is why it kills me...

that I'm still gonna vote for you.

- What? - I know!

I hate it as much as you do.

I wish there was another way!

There is. You could just not vote for him.

Yeah, but I'm going to anyway.

Yes!

Sorry, honey.

Looks like you lose.

But... this makes no sense. Of course it does.

They're a bunch of big fat idiots.

Damn it!

I hate this!

You've convinced us, Rev. No more cannibalism.

But how will we survive the storm now?

By taking care of each other.

We will outlast this storm,

no matter how long it takes. Hey, guys!

The storm is over. Look.

Well, great. Convenient timing.

Wow! It's beautiful!

Say, you don't think this was God, do you?

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't.

All I know is we are getting off this mountain

and rescuing Prudence.

All right! Come on.

Oh, hey, hey, hold up, will you?

That kid took a big chunk out of my ass.

Now this is a desk.

I mean, you could park a frickin' wagon on this thing.

Prudence, you see how big this desk is?

Yes, Todd. It's a very big desk.

Hello, Mr. Governor!

Time to hold up your end of the deal.

Here are some new bills for you to sign off on.

Okay. This is such a hard "yob."

- It's "job." - Hard J.

Uch.

Okay, here we go.

And...

"Proposal to Strip the Oregonians of Their Land."

Okay.

"Dump toxic sludge in the river."

Don't care.

"All the gold goes...

...to Trig."

Oh, jeez.

Okay, whatever.

We're done.

So nice doing business with you.

Hey, little birdie.

Here's a bird.

Unladylike.

- All right. - Okay. I'm exhausted.

I'm gonna go hit the links. That cool? Don't care.

Oh, Zeke. Where are you?