Original subtitles

It's a bit... House and Gardens, isn't it, Howard?

If you start enjoying home life, what are you going to do with Marina?

I hardly know the person!

How long have you had aspirations towards the tea and crumpet set?

It's him. He's been looking at holiday brochures. We just look(!)

She's nervous of air travel.

He grips you so tightly, it takes a week to get the circulation back!

Does he often get fancy ideas? Not with his wife!

I just fancied breakfast on the terrace.

I don't know why I'm picked on. Well, I enjoy it.

Would you like a cup of tea? Thank you. I never thought my neighbours would have breakfast on the terrace.

But I always feel a bit uneasy about eating outdoors.

There's so many people about wearing funny shorts.

You lose your appetite in seconds!

You get used to eating outdoors.

Although some get used to it more quickly than others. There's a fly in your tea.

You get used to that quickly, too.

It's got a funny look about it.

As long as it's not wearing funny shorts.

Who's that on his own? He comes in every morning.

He's on a diet. That's a diet?!

It's a full breakfast including fried bread!

At home, he's on a diet. So when he leaves, he comes in here for a full breakfast.

What if he has a coronary? I shouldn't think he's got room!

What about her in the suit?

She's from the insurance office. She just picks at a bit of fruit.

Who's that with her?

That is a good question.

I think he's her substitute for cream.

From the same office? No, the estate agents.

Typical! Married at home, but let them out and they act semi-detached!

And planning all sorts of extensions!

Don't tell me - two train robbers and a tootsie hiding out on the Costa Brava?

It's just breakfast on the terrace!

That "tootsie" entitles you to a nice cup of tea.

Flatterer. It's the policeman's friend.

I thought that was her from... I was merely conducting inquiries!

Ever thought of marrying again?

Have you? I can't wait!

She doesn't mean that. I know Norman's not the marrying kind.

I didn't mind the marrying.

It was the bits that came after that I found totally confusing.

I swept Pearl off her feet once.

I could do it again. You'd need a larger brush! It were wartime.

He looked good in uniform.

I never knew you wore uniform.

Kendall's Bakery. He delivered. I volunteered for the Paras, but the war ended.

Probably heard you were coming.

The parachute section of Kendall's Bakery. They'd have a nicer uniform.

You can't talk to some people when they're in a flippant mood. He rarely talks to me at all!

He daren't speak in case he contradicts a lie from previously.

As if I'd lie to you, petal!

May I be struck down if... BANG

EXHAUST BACKFIRES

Last time I heard a noise like that, we were being bombed! It's Kendall's Bakery!

People come here for peace!

That can be arranged. Peace of mind. I can put you onto something.

Mrs Lolly Minerva...

Avery, famous psychic now residing in this area,

has one or two vacancies for private consultations in the strictest confidence.

We've got a lovely modern home, Barry. Right...

Don't you think we ought to have perhaps one antique? You know, some small item as a centrepiece.

Mm... Something which happily mixes with...

Right, yeah.

Are you listening to me, Barry?

Mm-hm...

I'm thinking of running away with the milkman, Barry.

Fine.

What's this?! It's a coaster, Barry! With butter and marmalade on!

Have I got your attention now?

You HAVE got my attention!

We've got a lovely modern home, Barry. I knew that already!

But don't you think it needs just one antique? One antique can make the modern home, Barry.

As a centrepiece. This has got polish on! You could have poisoned me!

You'd never have noticed.

HAMMERING

Is he any good? Are you in any position to be choosy?

That's the trouble with poverty. You've no confidence in what you can afford.

Does that mean I'm getting paid?!

For lying on your back? You must be joking!

I'll see you're all right once we've all seen some growth from our initial investment.

He said "our". I couldn't help noticing he said "our" investment.

Maybe we ought to hear what he's got to say.

Truly, what happened to that police tendency not to believe in fairies?

What happens is, you begin to notice that the people you arrest are better off than you are!

You need a new exhaust.

You're not giving in too soon? I'm sure!

Where's all this Yorkshire grit?

Most of it's rattling around inside your exhaust!

You need a new one.

You'll have to excuse me. This calls for a planning session.

He's gonna need some watching, but we'll be here to keep him honest, focus his energies,

turn him into something his dad would be proud of. Planning session? He's thinking it over.

SNORING

Focus his energies? Just like his father!

Call this a planning session(?)

Oh, hiya. I've been on the mobile to my accountant. He recommends something cheaper. What have you got?

We could try the scrap yard.

Now you're thinking! See the benefits of a planning session? Here we go - the scrap yard!

Right, we'll take a lane each. We're looking for a van, similar age and model as Tom's.

Only in better condition. They'll all be better than his!

But what if we find one? I'm just the kind of unlucky muffin who's going to find one.

Just check underneath for the condition of the exhaust. If it's clapped out, keep looking.

This will be endless fun(!) It's all for a good cause.

I've been up all night worrying.

You're not the worrying kind.

You've got to keep a face on.

Well, come on, then!

I wonder if one day you'll come and take me away from all this.

I would... but I've to be back for lunchtime.

A girl must think about her future!

It's funny you should say that.

"Mrs Avery, the famous psychic"?

I could make us an appointment. Do that, Howard! Leave it with me.

I'm in your hands, Howard. A helpless slip of a thing.

Only after a long internal struggle have I decided to submit...

and allow you certain liberties.

You can kiss me.

What? In the staff entrance? In broad daylight?

Oh, you know I want to. I spend hours practising with my lips.

Oh, well, don't if you don't want to. It's not that I don't want to.

I'll do it!

Here we go! Throwing caution to the wind!

I love it down here. There's so much of interest.

And nettles!

I don't know why people go abroad gawping at old churches.

You'd holiday here if you could talk Edie into it. She won't. Not even for a week.

Even though I promised her a second week at Scarborough. They leap out at you - giant nettles!

Nobody comes, nobody hears you screaming. Where's Tom?

Well...I thought he was with you.

Maybe he's found one.

He's gone. I told you. The nettles have got him.

Look at this. While we've been out here sweating on his behalf...

SNORING

Another planning session!

I bet you think I've been doing nothing.

Watch his ears twitch when they're going to lie.

You close your eyes for a second and people think you're doing nothing!

Especially when you're doing nothing.

The truth is, I'm searching by the psychic method as taught to me by Mrs Avery.

According to occult theory, if you concentrate hard enough, you should pinpoint the item.

You caught me in intense concentration. You were snoring!

It may have sounded like snoring, but it was occult signals.

I thought you might be here.

Why? If you're not in the shed, you're at the scrap yard.

Now I'm a creature of habit!

You come across some funny habits in the police. Mainly inspectors and above.

You're looking very married, Barry. Something specific?

Our Glenda's looking for an antique. Do you know about antiques?

Antiques? That's a dangerous road, lad.

That could lead to Auntie Wainwright.

I thought I'd explore every other avenue first.

What sort of antique? Just a centrepiece.

Glenda has a centipede?

A centre-PIECE. As in furniture.

I bet you're really glad you came. Right, Barry? He will be.

These things are no accident.

You know of something? Not too expensive?

Mrs Avery can point you to something using only her psychic powers at very affordable prices.

How can she do that? Radically reduced overheads. We live in a terrible dump.

No, I mean how can she do it psychically?

Her secret. Best not to pry.

Hey! What about the exhaust?

Good thinking. You keep looking and I'll see to our lad here.

Hello?

Go away and take your fancy bit with you! She IS psychic!

I'm just a student he's helping through college.

Mrs Avery?

Who wants to know? We paid the instalment on the cocktail cabinet.

"The Amazing Mrs Lolly Minerva Avery, consultant to the stars"?

Oh, I expect that's me. He never tells me. Could we inquire which stars?

Is she wi' you? For educational purposes only.

Big stars, mostly Peruvian. They like them blonde and fair-skinned.

Worth many ponies.

You were blonde and fair-skinned?

To a Peruvian.

What are you doing today? Why?

Oh, relax, our Edie! It's not a trick question.

I know you think I've led a wicked life, but I'm not trying to lure you into the fast lane.

I just wondered if you fancy an hour out. It's furniture day!

What's that? Another bank holiday? It's the day after washing day.

The day I do my furniture.

And they wonder why a girl leaves home!

They wondered which one you'd gone off with!

The wrong one. I always had that knack.

Do you know, there's not a speck of dust anywhere?

All you're doing is wearing it out.

It's furniture day.

Edie, it'll still be there when you get back. Back from where?

A relaxation class!

What's that when it's all there?

They teach you how to relax.

Thank you, but I know how to relax. Huh! That'll be the day!

There you go. Always busy.

Her amazing insights are always in demand. She'll put you onto an antique.

Ohhh!

Ohhhhhhhhh!

The...the washtub...

I hope you don't think we always keep people under the house.

I was just examining the workmanship of this fine old washtub.

I was just telling the young lady there, whoever she is,

what a fine example this is of the tubmaker's art.

He knows his tubs. He has breakfast on the terrace.

Here's your answer - a genuine antique. Buff it up, she'll love it.

I think Glenda was thinking more of a piece of furniture.

This IS a piece of furniture.

Have it chromed!

Where are you going with my tub? This young man is looking for an antique.

What am I supposed to wash in? I sometimes wish I'd never left Mr Avery. He never understood you.

Your need to find your inner self. He bought me a washer. Always had a stamp. He counted teabags!

If the pack said 80 bags, he used to double-check!

A relaxation class? Yes. It'd do your mother good. She's never been relaxed.

You're relaxed enough for both of us. In what way? Drink your coffee!

You've heard of the scarlet woman? Your mother thinks she's a hint of pink compared to me.

I wore nylons during the war. That meant you were beyond redemption.

Oh, they were like gold!

Sid brought me a pair when he came home on leave.

I was so pleased, I didn't cross-examine him. Not till after the war.

My Wally's idea of a gift was some feed for his pigeons.

Bless him. He was always a gentleman.

He was always terrified of you!

Yes, well, I suppose that helped.

I don't recall Howard having any advantages in wartime.

And I must say it's a pattern he's stuck to.

Wesley made me a lighter out of a machine gun bullet. I didn't smoke, but it didn't work.

I hope my Barry's never in a war. Excitement brings him out in lumps. We don't wish to know that!

You should see the lump mine brings out!

You lot have had as many problems with men as I've had.

But ours was with the SAME man!

In some ways I think mine was. They just had different names.

Is it all-female, this class?

Oh, I shouldn't think so. It's all unisex these days. Not in this house!

My Barry goes to a unisex hairdresser. Well, I hope they don't hear at the Building Society.

Men going for lessons on how to relax?! I suppose so.

They can do that naturally!

It's not relaxing they need lessons in. It's getting going!

I could take my Barry. He gets executive stress.

I won't be relaxing where your Barry is. I have to keep a certain distance as his mother-in-law.

That could cause a total breakdown in discipline.

It's a good job they didn't know you when you were being courted by that Co-op assistant manager.

Oh? Who was this Co-op assistant manager? Drink your coffee!

Some people will do anything for an extra bit of bacon.

I never went as far as bacon. A bit of margarine was far enough for me.

Mother! Drink your coffee!

How do you feel about nights?

Nights? That dark stuff you get between days.

How do I feel about nights?

Take your time. Don't over-extend yourself.

They're not a bad idea for sleeping.

How do you feel about working tonight? Just for an hour after dark. Overtime?

Oh, you're becoming hard to deal with. Look at the teacher I've got.

What are we doing after dark?

Advertising. An advertising spectacular. I'm determined to get people's attention. Yeah...

Stand there. Don't move.

When can I move? Won't be long.

Oh...! You see? How fireworks get people's attention?

HORN BEEPS

You did it! She sounds as sweet as a nut!

It's only patched. It'll last till you get a new one.

What did she tell you? She told me I'd meet a tall, dark stranger.

How tall? She didn't go into details, Howard.

Well, I hope you won't forget who adjusts your bicycle.

I wonder if she really is psychic. I didn't think policemen were interested in that kind of thing.

I've seen some very strange things,

notably, the former Mrs Truelove.

What do you want a washtub for? Tell him how lucky you've been!

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Don't worry, Barry. I'll see to it.

Get the bonnet up, lad.

How lucky can you get, Barry?

Don't worry, Barry. I'll deliver the washtub.

Would there be room in the back for two persons with cycles?

First a successful exhaust transplant and now some minor resuscitation!

Well, it wasn't MY fault it jumped the verge! I didn't want this!

Relax, Mother. We've all been to relaxation class.

Let's not get excited. Remember what the instructor said.

Find your calm centre. Oh...!

It's done this hat no good! Yes, there's always something you can be thankful for.

They say everything flashes before your eyes.

All I got was Howard.

I saw my Barry wandering lonely with some antique. The damn thing thinks it's a steeplechaser!

Edie, find your calm centre. Well, it's going to take some finding in this girdle!

Look! Something's coming!

It's Pearl! Lucky you, Howard.

OK, ladies. Hop in the back.

Thank goodness. I'll sit in the front!

Oh, thank you very much.

What's she doing here? She was very tired after a bicycle ride.

On two bicycles?!

It was a long journey.

LOUD BACKFIRE

Howard!

BANG Ow!!

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