Original subtitles

I used to know the length of the Mississippi! Oh, that's very useful(!)

I'll bet you're sorry you've forgotten that(!) I can see that you're keenly interested(!)

But I was just using it as an example of how you forget things.

Don't YOU forget things? ..I can't remember. YOU'RE in a picky mood this morning.

Reminds me of being married, although a sense of fairness obliges me to admit you're prettier!

When you realise... people...die so suddenly,

you wonder if it's worth buying new underwear!

Think you might be tempting fate? I think we haven't got the hang of it yet.

Underwear? Oh, I think I've got the hang of mine!

Course, you miss the weight of your truncheon...

I'm talking about HIM...

being without him.

Walking...out here, with...

without him!

We often used to walk without him. He was always hanging behind, or scrambling on a wall somewhere!

Yeah...yes.

It's sort of comforting, somebody 20 yards behind you, walking on walls,

or 20 yards in front of you, trying to walk across a five-bar gate... He never could resist a five-bar gate.

He never could resist Nora Batty! I expect that had a tendency to make you climb gates!

Well...get up there, get on with it! It was HIM that climbed walls - WE never did!

All right, just because we DIDN'T do it, doesn't mean we CAN'T do it! What are you looking for?

See if anybody's coming. Well, there you go! You think he cared if anybody was coming?

You fancy walking on a wall, you walk on a wall - that was him! All right...I fancy walking on a wall!

Ah...now that you're sure that nobody's coming!

Right...oh-h-h...ah.

Nah-h-h...it's not you. You're the wrong size for walls!

You're the first person who's ever noticed that!

Somebody coming!

What? Where? A-a-agh!

Don't forget to write!

There's a letter...for 'im! For 'im? "Mr William Simmonite".

He never got much mail! Why's he getting mail now he's dead? Who's his next of kin?

He doesn't 'ave any. Who's looking after his affairs? What affairs?

They took his ferrets... Not exactly a complicated estate!

Well, I'll 'ave to leave it with somebody. Can't you return it to sender?

No return address. Will YOU take charge of it? Oh, I'm not touchin' it.

Not without I first consult his friends. Would you take it to his friends?

I suppose Norman Clegg ought to 'ave it. Oh, thanks.

DOOR SQUEAKS

Um, three teas...

Two teas, please, Ivy.

He looks a bit disarranged around the hat! He fell off a wall!

What was he doing on a wall? Not very well!

There must be a knack to it. I expect you were missing the weight of your truncheon. That could be it!

Life's not the same without a lump of wood down your trousers. BELL

I'm glad you two are here.

He's got a letter! Who's got a letter?

Compo! I hope they don't want a reply!

Second-class post - late again! Mark it "please forward" and drop it in the box.

Probably cutting off his electric again - he's fooled them this time! It's not that kind of a letter...

It's a personal letter! Somebody's got to open it. Here! It ought to be you.

I don't like opening other people's mail. It'll be here a while if we wait for HIM!

It might be important to somebody. Open it! He never had any secrets from YOU!

Huh! What about her at Throstlenest? SHE was a surprise! He never told us about seeing HER every Thursday!

He never told ME either! I hope that letter's not from HER!

SHE knows he's dead! SHE wouldn't be writing to him. Open it.

Well...suppose it contains material of an adult nature?

YOU'RE an adult! They forget that sometimes. They forget it ALL the time!

It's from his son!

It looks as if he DID keep a few secrets!

Ooh, the little devil! All these years he's had a son...

I wonder how many more little surprises he's got? He was married once...

Only for five minutes! That's long enough!

Read it!

"Dear Father... I suppose I'll have to get used to calling you father.

"Mam always told me you were dead.

"During the war, she said. I thought you were a hero.

"You'll have to tell me. I can't ask Mam.

"She died a few years ago.

"It's funny, at my age, having to adjust to...

"not being an orphan."

He doesn't know his father's dead!

"How come it took you this long to get in touch?

"Couldn't you find a pencil?!" Oh, it's a shame!

"You've got two grandchildren somewhere...but I've mislaid them.

"They went off in search of truth and wisdom, with bits of metal through their nose!"

Truth and wisdom?! When they've found it, they'll only smoke it! "I'm coming to see you."

Oh, he's coming! "Don't go away -

"everybody else has." Ooh, it is, it's a shame. When's he coming?

The 19th!

That's today!

"You write on tatty bits of paper,

"so I'm assuming staff won't be available for handling visitors(!)

"Tourist information says there's a quiet pub not far from you...

"The Feathers."

He's coming to The Feathers...

lunch time today!

Poor lad. Who's going to tell him his father's died?

YOU'LL have to tell him, Norman.

I read the letter! Can't somebody else do it? HE was in the police!

He must be used to telling people people are dead!

I always sent WPC McGillicuddy!

She had the gift for making death seem more attractive!

Glenda? What is it, Barry?

Have you got a minute?

What is it, Barry? Sit down a minute, love.

You've got something to tell me, haven't you? Yes.

You've got six months to live!

..I haven't got six months to live!

Even less? Oh, Barry!

It... It's nothing like THAT! It's nothing medical!

It's another woman! It's her from your insurance department! It's only a bit of exercise I'm after.

Well, in that case, I must say she looks very suitable! Will you listen to me?!

I'm not interested in other women! I am determined to secure an executive position.

I am going to become mentally and physically fit! I'm going to drive myself to the peak of condition!

I am going to take on the challenge the world throws at us!

I am gonna FLING myself into outdoor activities.

I am going to become ruthless! And single-minded!

(And, um...)

I...I was hoping you'd come with me!

Oh, Barry!

You know I'll come with you! Oh...

ENGINE REVS

GEARS GRIND

ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

Wesley!

Wesley! HORN BLARES

- What is it? - Come 'ere! I don't want them to hear me shouting all over the county!

What is it?

You never told ME he had a son! Who had a son? There you go again, being evasive!

I don't know what you mean! You all stick together, you men.

Who had a son? Compo Simmonite! As though you didn't know!

I didn't know! Mind you...when you think of what he used to get up to as a young man!

..Never!

It's...it's news to me!

I'm sure it's news to everybody!

No, Howard doesn't know! Well, I don't THINK he knows! Hang on a minute!

HOWARD!

A son! Do you know anything about a son?

You mean, son, as in somebody's child? Have you been keeping it quiet?

It's a lie! Whoever she is, tell 'er I'll sue 'er for every penny!

No, Howard doesn't know!

Well...this is gonna be nice.

You shake hands, say "Hello!

"..Oh, and by the way, your father's dead!" They were strangers! They've never met.

It's not going to be all that much of a thing, is it? I'd still like to soften the blow a bit. How, exactly?

I don't know...let the man have a drink first, work into it gradually.

It'd be easier to do it upfront.

Couldn't you send for WPC McGillicuddy? No, you wouldn't want her.

Believe me, death really IS preferable.

Want a lift? We're only going to The Feathers. Me, too! Word soon gets around, doesn't it?

The jungle drums have been throbbing all morning, lad!

Excuse me! If there's anybody home, could you persuade it to take a message? What message?

Oh, wake up! You make the place feel like Madame Tussaud's. And I can never tell who you're supposed to be!

I was just thinking. Well, that's unnatural, for a start!

It makes you wonder who else has a son nobody knows about!

I don't suppose YOUR father went around bragging a lot!

Imagine...somebody coming up to you in the street and calling you Daddy!

I wouldn't know where to put meself! HE wouldn't be thrilled either!

I'm glad I never had much to do with women. A lot there depends on how much "not much"!

Uh...I don't think I'm really at risk. I don't think so, either.

Not at the speed you move!

They're not ALL as nosy as you! Just because they've heard, it doesn't mean they'll all come.

We can't face him with that lot! Get the drinks in, Wesley, we'll have 'em out here.

I can't walk in there! The missus will start putting newspapers down!

That's the most unlikely excuse I've heard to avoid buying a drink! How about...

me wallet is in me other overalls? The second most unlikely! Your other overalls must look the same!

Oh, aye, they look the same! Seeing how you must be running out of excuses, I'll get the drinks.

Has he come yet? Not yet, Eli! I'll wait in the bar.

THUD

Have they got a basement bar now?

Should we be here, in daylight? It's a quiet little pub, miles from anywhere!

Where's the harm in two weary cyclists popping in for a drink? I'm in your hands, Howard.

We'll hide it here, out of sight...and safe.

Does that apply only to the bicycles?

You're always safe with me, love. It certainly feels like that(!)

They're all in there! It looks like they were waiting for us!

HORN BLARES

You saw that!

I had to brake heavily to avoid them and the garden furniture! I gave my exhaust that they might live!

VAN DOOR SLAMS

Babs! Why is your neck at such a terrible angle? What angle?

Oh, tell me you're all right! I'm all right!

Aren't you suffering from whiplash effect on account of the emergency braking?

I am! I'm suffering whiplash effect... Louder!

I'm suffering whiplash effect on account of... (The emergency braking.) ..the emergency braking.

Poor child! She'll never be able to read in church again! It's the worst I've EVER seen.

It's the worst acting!

It's him. Look at him! He's the spit of his father! WOMEN MURMUR AGREEMENT

Lean on me, girl. Try not to slip into unconsciousness!

Take good care of her, whilst I attend to my own injuries. ..Hey!

No sudden movements. They could be fatal!

You're just like him. Oh, you poor love!

To think we should meet under such tragic circumstances!

She's just broken her neck a bit! Any substantial settlement will cure it!

Oh-h-h...

I keep forgetting...he doesn't know!

Oh...!

What was THAT? Is there a ladies' tag team round 'ere?

SHE usually wins! When she's not disqualified for using excessive force!

You'd have to be impressed by the grip! ..I'm looking for a Mr William Simmonite.

Now's your chance...tell him!

Fa-a-a-ather! Oh, no! Not ME! Not ME!

Oh! Sorry.

I should have recognised the ears!

Daddy!

I'm not your daddy, I'm a retired policeman! That's a first!

Where is he, then?

He's supposed to meet me here. I don't know quite how to put this... There IS no easy way.

Oh, no, is he away? Don't say that!

It runs counter to a deeply-felt philosophy!

Well...

the main reason why your father's not here...

Give it to him straight! You're right. It's the only way.

Well, give it me, then!

Your father's dead.

He wrote me a letter!

That was before.

He's taken it worse than we thought.

You never can tell!

Did he leave enough for a new exhaust?

Woof, woof, woof!

You know, I love this dog.

He is modelled on the heroic Waldo that saved 16 children from death!

Oh... Woof, woof!

With her face painted like that, she looks like somebody from Star Wars!

She looks like Waldo's mother! Ooh...

SHE should worry! I've just seen mine disappear with Waldo's GRANDMOTHER!

He seems to have a way with the ladies! Just like his father! Ah-ha.

Not good with exhausts. Ooh, it turns me over. He's so like his father.

What's this? He's had a hard life - you want to hear the stories!

We're having a little collection. He DOES have a way with the ladies!

If it's for his exhaust, never mind collecting - I'll fix it! Oh...

he's come all this way and found his father's dead, and you're going to refuse him a contribution! No...!

Let's fix him up and get him on his way! Thank you.

It's gonna take a lot of work under there! Just patch it up, and let's get him gone!

Ah...until the settlement of Daddy's estate, I wondered if any of you gentlemen would care to help his...

closest family, with a kind of...bridging loan?

Was that Wesley calling?

No good speaking to me - I'm deaf. I could leave Babs as security! Pardon?

On a technical point...there is no tax disc on this vehicle.

Well, it's off the road, isn't it? You can see it's not roadworthy...

so, naturally, when it was off the road, I removed the tax disc in order to apply for a refund!

There was no disc when you drove in! Oh, he does hammer a point! We've got a right one here.

Look at that...hands in his pockets, the way he walks...

What does that remind you of? Trouble! Come on, let's go.

Leave it with me.

Hey-up! What time is it? I'm getting worried about Babs' Auntie Lol! She should be here by now.

Oh...my associate, Mrs Avery. She's travelling in the other vehicle.

Perhaps we could go down the road a bit and see where she's got to? I suppose we could give you a lift.

It's better than another collection! You're a reckless lot round here.

CLUCKING AND BLEATING

His father only kept ferrets!

When's he going home? He's only just come! It's been long enough!

You can't be rotten! Try me! He's just lost his father! He's just lost his exhaust!

And that's what's worrying me. If it wasn't for that, he could go home!

And why are we in the back, and he's in the front? He's faster than us!

'It's nice round here, isn't it?'

Say hello to Gags, then! It's Babs, not Gags!

He has difficulties with his B's!

'Hello, Gags!'

HOWARD: Don't you just love it out here?

MARINA: It has its...possibilities!

And there to the right, you can see the common lesser winthrop,

which is easily recognised by its hairy petals.

Now, if we move along, we should find some examples of the stringwort.

The stringwort is always easily recognisable by the arrangement of leaves on the stem!

Must go and find a stringwort!

I didn't know Howard was an authority on flowers!

I think he's just a keen amateur!

ENGINE ROARS

BRAKES SQUEAL

They came from nowhere! It were like time stood still! I just had this vision of this big tart and a midget!

She HAS visions. You're a complete psychic! You'll be amazed at the range of her uncanny perceptions!

I'm not a midget!

I thought I killed him! Last thing he needs with a bird like that is more bad luck!

We just happened to be travelling in the same direction!

And, in a fit of unrequited passion, he threw his bicycle under your bus!

I shall be a witness, Mrs Avery!

So, that's his associate, Mrs Avery! His father had similar ambitions, size-wise!

It's going to be a paint job!

Always very expensive on these vintage machines! How much? Bearing in mind, I'm only a midget!

�500. �500?! That's only if we have to get involved in a load of paperwork.

For cash and no questions...give us 10 now, and we'll call it quits.

You meet a few wrong men... Next thing you know, you're driving a bus wi' a chimney...

He says he loves me...but first he made sure I had me HGV licence!

Well, now you've got your other vehicle. Safe journey! Journey? Well, it's been nice meeting you!

And Waldo! And the rest of your terrify...LOVELY family. Have a good journey home. Home?

THIS is our home now.

This is where our roots are now.

Roots? He calls it roots?! A bus wi' a chimney?!

Here we go, Waldo. This is it.

Home, sweet home.

Oh...SHE'S getting on well with Wesley!

Maybe SHE'S got her HGV licence too!

What a big BUS!

She has, hasn't she?

The vehicle!

Oh, the vehicle!

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