Original subtitles

Escape from Colditz, is it?

Howard's little stairway to heaven.

It's just a simple fire precaution.

Does Pearl know you've got this "fire precaution"?

Well...no. I thought I'd keep it as a surprise.

Oh, I see. A secret fire precaution.

Howard!

I think your alarm's sounding, Howard!

Why must you hire a mini-bus?

So we can travel in comfort!

I could take you in the Land Rover.

She's a great, old, reliable beast is the Land Rover!

We can't all get in the cab, there are no seats at the back

and you can't put ladies in a cattle truck!

I could put seats in. A mini-bus costs money.

You could put seats in the back? No problem. Nice seats? No problem!

Don't put that peg in tha mouth! I can't bear it if you do!

What's wrong with a peg in your mouth?

Drives me wild, that's what's wrong.

It reminds me of Dorothy Lamour with a flower in her teeth.

Oh, it's too much for a bloke's senses! Since when have you had any sense?

Has tha ever thought of getting married again?

Never! Has tha ever thought of just living together?

Oh! How about if I just had, eh, visiting privileges?

How are you interested in women at your age?

It's because they're the only opposite sex we've got. Oh!

And they don't come any more opposite than thee!

You'll never guess who I saw last Tuesday. Well, it wasn't your tailor, that's for sure(!)

Crab Appleton.

Old Crabby Appleton?

Is he still around? He were on his bike.

Didn't he go to Hong Kong?

On his bike?

No, his daughter lived out there.

Ssh! Listen!

GROANS

It's someone coming up the cliff!

Why come up a cliff? It's better than biking to Hong Kong.

LOUDER STRAINING

One hell of a way to go for a quiet walk is this!

Ungh...! Oh...!

Hallo!

Aaaargh!

Well, you made him feel at home.

What did you startle the man for?

I were just being friendly.

I want you to promise never to be as friendly as that with me.

Who the hell did that?!

Oh! Oh, I should say so!

You'd better go and get him.

Why should I go and get him? Well, you dropped him! Is he dead?

I'm not looking if he's dead! He's not! I can hear him swearing!

Maybe he doesn't realise he's dead. Then he must be an idiot.

Oh, I'll look if he's an idiot. I like idiots.

Be with you in a minute, precious.

What the dickens are you doing?!

It's just precautions in case of fire.

You'll scare people, dozy monkey! I thought you were hanging yourself.

Ho! By the feet?

Well, if anybody could get it wrong, you could!

Hm. Am I facing north or south?

Does it matter? To me. I'm writing a guidebook.

How To Fall Down Cliffs. In hardpack, I presume.

A guidebook for walkers. I map out routes for people to follow.

I bet they'll enjoy this bit!

That was a mistake. It won't be in the book.

I'd say we're facing north. Trust me. I have an instinct about this.

I'll make a note of that. No! Don't move. Something may be broken!

Me pencil, for a start! It's a blow, is that, for an author. Up the creek without a pencil.

You're right, Norm. He is an idiot.

I knew we'd like him.

Now, look. Just lie quite still while I check you over.

Now, can you feel that?

Ah! Ow!

I think he felt that!

I'm all right, I'm all right! It's you that's given me gyp!

By gum! It's becoming a big day for pain!

You call that pain? Close enough!

He's as fit as a ferret! I'm not bad, considering three blokes threw me down a cliff!

I think he has a tendency to exaggerate.

Did you see who the three men were? I never had time.

Oh. Eh, probably three passing tramps.

You're all right. Apart from your pencil.

Good luck with the book. Don't send us a copy. Hang on! You can't leave me here! I'm lost!

Some guidebook(!) How will I get back to civilisation? You don't know how lucky you are.

I know every inch of this area like the back of my hand.

You couldn't have fallen into better hands.

I'm sure we passed that tree before.

You couldn't fall into better hands.

Where's he going? He knows getting lost like the back of his hand.

We are not lost.

I'm not just walking blindly. I'm using nature's compass, taking our bearings from the sun.

The problem is we're not going to the sun. I think we passed it.

You're in trained hands. Just relax.

It's all flannel!

ECHOES: We are lost!

As soon as we emerge from the trees, you will see the road.

This way.

There you are, do you see? The edge of the trees.

I don't know what all the panic was about.

Where's this road, then?

Is it my fault if nobody's had the sense to build a road here?!

They should have built a road here!

They'll find our bones and a few fragments of welly.

I feel really lucky, falling in with the local experts(!)

You don't have to knock! You live here! You never let me in the front.

Keep your voice down! What do you want?

You wanted seats. Come and see the seats.

How about this? More comfy than your mini-bus!

They're all on the swivel.

You can turn and view in any direction.

People will ask why all seats aren't like this.

Are they clean? Did you wipe them?

Of course I wiped the seats.

What with? With me wiping cloth!

Show me.

Stay there. I'll get a bucket and cloth.

I think it's that way.

It's not that way!

If I don't get a pint soon, I'm going to lie down and wait for a passing helicopter!

Who are you, anyway? We ought to know your name, if only for your gravestone.

The name's Davenport. I'm a stranger round here.

I've got an excuse for being lost.

Tha's supposed to be writing the guidebook. Well, I haven't written this bit yet, have I?

Are you in the right profession?

Oh, yes. I've always wanted to help people get off the beaten track.

Well, tha's got that bit right, eh?

Have you got a title?

He means apart from "Idiot".

Oh, yes.

It's going to be called...

Deviations With Davenport!

Ha-ha! Followed by Davenport's Guide To Death By Exposure!

And the series - Get Lost With Davenport!

Desperation With Davenport!

There you go, then, ladies. All aboard!

There's no lid on this! What if it rains?

It's not going to rain. They say things like that. "It won't rain."

I remember mine saying, "There won't be a war."

I remember mine saying, "We won't go decimal. Can you imagine the English going decimal?"

My Barry knows what's going on, him working in a building society.

Sometimes I think he's got ESP.

Seatbelt with every chair, ladies. Fasten yourselves in.

Where's he been? That's what I'd like to know? Where's her husband been to catch this ESP?

He didn't get it in my house, I tell you!

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

You're showing me up in front of the whole street!

She was fine a minute ago!

So was I, till that Barry goes and gets ESP!

Is this far enough?

No! Go as high as you can get!

What am I looking for up there?

See if you can see the road!

It's high up here! It's not high! It's not what you'd call a huge tree.

Up here it's what you call a twig!

Deviations With Davenport! You have an interesting life, Davenport.

Full of incident since I met you!

How long has tha been doing this guidebook lark, then?

I've only just started.

It shows.

Which way's the road?

How do we know?! That's what you've to tell us!

I can't see a road!

Well, go higher!

Aaaaargh!

I think he found the shortcut that time.

Can you hear me, Davenport? Speak to me.

Did you see the road?

How do, Eli?

How come you get to drive the visiting rugby team?

You were very lucky, Davenport. The branches broke your fall.

Oh, how lucky can you get?

There's more to guidebooks than you realise. The way tha does it!

People don't seem to appreciate that somebody's got to do it first without the book.

You're very lucky we came along.

You could have been out here, lost, on your own. Instead, you're lost with three other silly beggars!

We're not lost. We're temporarily between reference points.

As soon as I recognise something, we'll be on our way. I'm thirsty!

Oh, that makes a change(!) I'm fed up picking up Davenports!

I'm badly bruised all over. I do hope the wife still recognises me.

You'll have to write her a guidebook.

You know your trouble, don't you? You don't know how to fall properly.

You get plenty of practice, but you're not making the most of it.

Should be all right now. Your life depends on it!

ENGINE PURRS

I knew she wouldn't let me down! She's a great little beast is this!

I'm looking for a sharp spearhead of my outside sales force.

I'm looking for someone to go out and sell!

You are paying attention? It's not always easy to tell.

Watch my lips.

You can't just wait for customers to come in. You don't. You stand out there and drag them in!

Only if they're passing.

No, I need to extend my reach. I need someone out there at the white-hot edge of salesmanship.

You sure that's me? Don't interrupt when I'm trying to lie to myself.

I need somebody alert, resourceful, energetic, commercially ruthless... and cheap!

You fail on everything but cheap, so I'll settle for cheap.

I want you to go out, lad, and show the world what real incompetence can do when it tries.

Come along, those men! I'm getting the feel for the direction now.

Yes, the old instincts are coming back.

There you are! We just go through yonder gate and we'll find a road.

Oh, Dewhurst does it again!

Do I hear applause?

Tha calls this a road?!

What do you want? The M1? It's bound to lead to a road!

Which way?

How do you mean "which way"?

Do we go left or do we go right? Which way does it lead to the road?

You're getting very technical, Davenport.

Just a minute. I'm working on it.

Now, if the sun's in that direction and it's...half past the hour...

and the breeze is due west...

When the month has an R in it.

A red sky at night is a sailor's delight, unless his ship's on fire.

This way. Follow me. And try to keep in step. It's good for morale.

He's guessing! He puts on a good act.

Hours of endless fun!

How am I going to sell a rope ladder? Exactly what I thought!

And then Howard came along.

Is there a demand for rope ladders? Oh, you'd be amazed.

Oh. So... how come Howard brought it back?

It didn't meet his requirements. He sold it back to me and he's very reasonable.

He could see I wouldn't pay my prices!

Who but a silly beggar like Howard would buy a rope ladder?

Ah. If one thing comforts an old lady in her declining years,

it's that the whole world is full of silly beggars. Go and find some.

Oh...!

There's a place up here for coffee and cakes. Pull in there.

I'm sure they are ready for a light refreshment.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, let me get out!

You go and get on that telephone and get us a mini-bus!

It's bound to lead to a road.

I spent years in the jungle. Do I look like I can't find a road?

If you could find a road, why the hell were you in the jungle?

When we get to the road, I will demand a full apology for this lack of confidence.

I'm the chap the natives used to call He Who Moves Like Smoke.

Aye, straight up people's noses!

At least we can ask the farmer where the road is.

Ah! That is what I intended all along. My fall back position.

I was keeping that in reserve.

Do you think the farmer would give us a lift, eh?

I hope so. I can't go on. I've had enough!

Not another step!

DOG BARKS VICIOUSLY

If I were you, Davenport, I wouldn't try to sell this trip to your reading public!

You're not kidding!

It's this twit! We'd have been better off following Eli!

I found you a farm, didn't I? It's not my fault if the dog chased us away.

Do you want a professional opinion?

As a writer of guidebooks, I think we're going to die out here.

Oh, well, if you're going to look on the bright side...(!)

Well, look where we are! Nobody's ever going to come way out here!

I give up!

Where does a person have to go to find a little privacy?

It's amazing where you can stumble across four assorted gentlemen, all breathing heavily.

Deviations With Davenport! Tell me more!

Should you be talking to strangers while you're peddling?

I think Davenport's in more danger now than he has been all day!

Aaah! Oow! CRASH!

Where is she? I've lost Marina!

Congratulations, Howard! Now you can look forward to a steady life.

It's all right.

I landed safely on Mr Davenport. It's just been one thing after another!

What's up with you lot? You look like you've been dragged out of a ditch!

Howard! Have you been with that woman? What makes you think that?

We've been rescuing these persons that were lost in the wilderness!

Lost?! Did he say lost? Does he know who he's talking to?

Good luck with the book, Davenport.

He'll never make it! He'll never find his way to the publishers.

I'll send you a copy.

As long as we needn't follow it.

You just wait till I'm famous! At getting lost tha will be!

I know why you're hanging about, Davenport.

You're wondering which way it is to the bus station.

Nobody's perfect.

Try that way.

Do you know, I were nearly sure it were that way?

Ta-ra! Ta-ra!

How about that, then?

A rope ladder? What would anyone want with a rope ladder?

Aaaah!

Ow!

Oh, Nora!

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