Original subtitles

Morning, Cleggy. Agh!

Oh, it's you, Smiler.

I thought it might be Howard.

Can't stand Howard in the morning. He talks about the weirdest things.

What weird things? He doesn't talk about things like normal people.

He talks about things like...

love. What's weird about that?

What's weird...? It's unnatural, first thing in the morning.

Normal people talk about the weather. That's what it's for.

Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, Cleggy.

I've got to speak to somebody.

Well, about what?

Love.

Oh, dear!

Phew! Come on, Cleggy! Just a quick word!

Goodbye, Smiler.

I'm not asking for me. It's for a friend.

What friend?

CW Northrop.

Do I know a CW Northrop?

Does it matter whether you know him or not? The man's got a lot on his mind. He needs sympathy and help.

He's in love, Cleggy.

How old is he?

Our age. Well, he doesn't need sympathy. He needs psychiatry.

Don't be so hard!

Haven't you ever been in love?

Goodbye, Smiler.

Whatever are you doing?

Should you be doing that in them trousers?

It's no good pretending you can't hear me. Have you gone deaf?

You look better upside-down, I'll give you that. It's an improvement on t'right way up.

Midlife crisis? At your age? It's a bit late, isn't it?

I didn't want to rush into anything.

Oh!

I can hardly stand. I feel dizzy.

I told thee - midlife crisis.

It's standing on your head that's made you dizzy. Does tha think so?

She's found a cure for it already!

No, no, it's not true!

I tell a lie! It's still there!

What's still there?

The impulse. That's what it's all about - the midlife crisis.

Tha gets these...impulses.

Oh, I know your impulses. Don't start.

I'm not talking about that impulse.

I'm talking about THIS impulse.

Come on, Cleggy!

Let me in. It won't take long.

Come on, Cleggy! I just want to talk.

Aaaargh!

You're all nerves, man.

I should think so.

What was that scream? Him, the big lily.

He crept up behind me. Well, you can't creep up in front of people.

What's he doing here, anyway? He wants to talk about affairs of the heart.

How come? You never talk to ME about affairs of the heart.

I don't want to talk to him, either, not about stuff like that.

You want somebody with satellite.

Where did you find it?

- Pinned to the door. - Are you sure it was for you?

It was on my door, and it said, "To Ivy, from CW Northrop."

Who the devil is CW Northrop? You tell me.

You don't know this man, and he's writing you notes?

I have never heard of CW Northrop.

He's heard of YOU. What does he say?

"Call at cleaner's, pick up trousers."

You're on trouser terms with him, and you say you don't know him?

I've never heard of him.

So how come you're picking up his trousers?

I'm not picking up his trousers!

I don't even know which cleaner's.

I never took you for the romantic type, Smiler.

I don't know why you say that.

I don't know why he says it in here.

I thought you were indifferent to women.

No, that were just the wife.

Can you two go somewhere else? South America, possibly.

No, listen. This is interesting.

It's not often you meet anyone here prepared to discuss romance.

If you turn into Barbara Cartland, don't blame me.

If it's not ferrets or whippets, they don't want to know round here.

What attracted you to your lady friend?

Availability.

No, it wasn't!

No, she... She had this... little girl lost look.

Marina?!

What made you use the name CW Northrop?

Gives me an air of mystery.

Misery is what you're better at, Smiler.

What suddenly attracted you to Ivy after all these years?

Her Yorkshire pudding.

That's it?

Yorkshire pudding?

Well, makes sense to me.

I used to have this quiet, little cottage.

A sort of bachelor's bothy.

Masculinity's last stand.

Now it's a meeting-place for every love-sick lunatic in the area.

Not EVERY one.

I weren't there.

Well, you qualify as a lunatic. I don't know about love-sick.

Of course I'm love-sick!

Why else am I having this midlife crisis?

I thought it was just your trousers.

I don't understand why anybody goes to Clegg for advice like that.

Hmm, well, that's what I'd like to know.

Why don't they ask the expert?

What kind of expert are you?

Listen, Veronica, there's nobody round here better qualified.

I know I'm going steady these days,

but before I settled down with Nora Batty, I had a wide range of experience.

Yes, we saw some of it.

Experience? By the look of some of them, it was a near-death experience.

Most people would rather have died than be seen out with them.

The danger makes it all worthwhile. It's half the appeal of Nora Batty.

What's the other half?

Sheer...feminine...

magnetism.

Feminine magnetism? She's always reminded me of an armoured car.

I don't know how you dare.

You saw her husband.

Four foot, nine. So?

When they married, he was six foot, two.

Yes, well, she'd wear anybody down.

If I win the Lottery,

I shall buy us a place together somewhere.

Somewhere really magnificent.

Maybe even the better end of Huddersfield.

What? As magnificent as that?

How can you dare gamble if there's a chance of winning Nora Batty?

It's called incentive, Norm.

Where are you going now?

If Smiler wants advice with his love life, it's only right that he should have the best available.

Is there something I can do? Did you get the note? What do you know about it?

It...was sent by a friend of mine.

CW Northrop?

Aye, aye, that's him. Wh-what do you think?

I think he's barmy, that's what I think. I think you're all barmy.

He says it comes from the heart.

It doesn't read like that. "Call at cleaner's, pick up trousers."

Sounds as though it comes from below the heart.

Oh, no! I left the wrong note.

It's no good Smiler getting involved with women. They only leave him.

Even his wife left him. Of course she did. Wouldn't YOU leave him?

What amazes you is why she went for him in the first place.

Maybe she thought he'd be handy for papering ceilings.

He's superbly built for being left.

It's what nature designed him for.

He needs a bit of expert help, that's all.

A bit? Huh!

He has all the attractive qualities of a second-hand surgical support.

Only when he's dressed up.

Why has it happened all of a sudden?

Winter's coming on. I think Smiler is looking for a cosy billet.

She's a good cook. She has a house.

He won't get far with Ivy.

He will if he takes advice from the finest bird-puller in the area.

Oh, listen to it! Casanova in wellies.

Casanova?

Didn't he used to play centre forward for Brentford?

Are you still here?

Northrop left the wrong note. He sounds a right muffin.

I've got the right one here. How come YOU'VE got it?

We...we're very close.

Who is he?

Who is this CW Northrop?

He made me swear on oath not to tell.

But what I can tell is, he's tall and handsome.

What do I want at my age with anybody tall and handsome?

Unless he can paper a ceiling.

Oh, I must have thrown it away.

I'll get him to write another one.

Don't bother. Anybody who trusts you to run his errands has to be low on credibility.

BLARING HEAVY METAL MUSIC

Ey-up, lads. You look like three blokes that could do with...a ride.

That's very civilised of you, Wesley.

How come he always gets in the cab?

He's a leader of men, isn't he? Huh!

Just make yourselves comfy.

Comfy?! What's all this lot?

It's for Auntie Wainwright.

Auntie Wainwright! I think I'll walk.

It's too late. Wagons roll!

I had to see you.

I'm being accosted and I haven't changed!

It's me. Howard! Not so loud.

How potentially virile you look in a long raincoat.

You do know how to give a girl a start. I bet you can feel my heart pounding.

I haven't time.

Damn!

I had to warn you. There's a bloke going round, desperate for a woman.

Oh, how terrible!

How tall? Really tall.

I shall be on my guard.

How tall would you say is really tall?

It's Smiler. I think he's snapped.

Just remember.

You...belong to me.

But you're married, Howard.

Well, nobody's perfect.

You're a gentleman, Wesley. Thanks.

I'll just round my chaps up, then we'll be on our way.

Come on, fellows, down you get...

Whoops.

Is that my furniture? It is, it's my furniture.

ENGINE ROARS

They're going off with my furniture!

That's Wesley...

To hire...of one wagonload... of furniture.

I wonder if he'll have the cheek to ask for staff discount.

And they wonder why you have to overcharge people.

Northrop?

Northrop? CW Northrop.

I know plenty dewdrops, but not Northrops.

Wasn't there a Northrop in Wilson Street? Built his own garage.

That was a Crowcroft. Something like.

It's new to me - Northrop. It fell down.

What fell down? Mr Crowcroft's garage.

I told you - dewdrops.

Mine was once going to build us an extension. Can you believe it?

You take one look at Howard and you think, "If anybody needs an extension..."

It's an advantage, having a husband that's small. They can get in difficult places.

My Barry's medium height, but with a good muscle tone.

Drink your coffee. Oh, Mother!

I shall feel better when your Barry's gone to flab, like all decent husbands.

Is your Howard any good at building extensions?

He's damn good at not starting it. So many excuses.

They are. They're good at not starting things. It's one thing they do really well.

They can't have fallen off. I never heard anybody scream.

They're my chaps. They're well trained. They wouldn't scream.

What are you doing there?

What are we doing here? Yes.

It's this great pillock!

He came round this corner like spit in hot fat! You fell off?

Fell off? We were THROWN off!

I've never been so terrified since World War II,

to say nothing of my honeymoon.

All right, so you fell off. But did you have to take the coffee table?

If you've scratched this, I'm going to be in it with Auntie Wainwright.

I'm glad you're concerned about our injuries(!)

It's scraped down this side. We know the feeling.

She'll kill me. Oh, rubbish!

In amongst that load of furniture, who's going to notice one scratch?

You what? She'd know if she had a wormhole in a dovetail joint.

I think I have.

I think I've got a wormhole in a dovetail joint.

Northrop... Here we are.

Northrop, C. There's no CW Northrop, though, so perhaps that's him.

"Northrop, C. 21, Ambassador Gardens."

Ambassador Gardens? How many ambassadors do we have round here?

It's that new estate.

It used to be the Old Gasworks Road.

You knew where you were then.

I couldn't live in an Ambassador Gardens.

I couldn't spell it.

I bet they have tiny bedrooms. They have fully-fitted kitchens.

Unbearable to live with - a name like that and fully-fitted kitchens.

I bet they don't do any cooking. The better the kitchen, the less they cook.

I don't know anybody in Ambassador Gardens. Why would I be getting notes from Ambassador Gardens?

It's time you found out.

Put it down there.

This paint's still wet. Well, hold it where it's dry.

Come on, let's have a look at it.

What do you think? We should have painted the lot, not just the scratched bit.

Paint the lot, and she'd notice. She's going to notice that bit.

Not when it's dry.

Talking of dry, when are we going for a pint?

It's thirsty work, being slung off the back of lorries.

Actually, that is not a bad idea.

You see how I teach my chaps to show initiative?

Thanks for the lift, Wesley.

Ey-up! Aren't you coming with me to Auntie Wainwright's?

What if I was to buy the drinks?

TYRES SQUEAL

Is this it? Is this Ambassador Gardens?

I daren't look. Can't open me eyes.

It is Ambassador Gardens.

Well, where does he live?

Number 21. But this is close enough. You needn't drive any further.

No trouble. (That's what SHE thinks.)

What are you going to do when you get there?

We'll warn him off. We can't have people sending notes to widows.

But suppose he's dangerous and violent.

That's the driver.

Your dad's been fiddling with this car. This didn't used to be here.

Mother, that's the hand-brake.

There's always something new.

NORA: Is that him?

How do I know if it's him?

All right, here's how it is.

I'll help you with the furniture, but I'm NOT going inside.

He won't go inside. She once sold him a lady's watch. Once?!

It was twice.

I thought he looked rather sweet in the second one.

You don't have to panic. WE'LL go inside.

What if she notices the coffee table?

If we don't look guilty, there's no chance of her suspecting anything.

Oh, about time.

I saw you go haring off with my furniture.

"That's funny," I thought. "Road-testing my furniture?

"Or was it something I said?

"Is it a mad furniture spree?

"Could they have been seized with an urge to break the sound barrier with a load of old furniture?"

Is it all here?

Of course it's all here.

You'd better bring it inside.

And tell me who scratched the coffee table.

That'll teach him. He won't write any more notes.

The way they lie about it! They always lie about it.

Rely on it, they'll lie about it.

I thought he sounded genuine.

You'll learn. There's more to life than knowing what's a hand-brake.

GEARS CRUNCH

What was that all about? I've no idea.

Who were those women? They just came out of nowhere.

I knew it! You've been different lately. I could tell.

I knew you were up to something.

You don't have to tell me.

I know who CW Northrop is.

So hop it! You make the place look untidy.

And that goes for CW Northrop as well!

I'll say this. She certainly knows how to charge for a coffee table.

It's Smiler's fault. If we hadn't been going to help him, we wouldn't have been picked up by Wesley.

Smiler!

What?

And how is the future Mrs CW Northrop? Who?

Ivy.

Oh, I've gone off Ivy.

TOGETHER: What?!

What about that drink, Wesley?

I thought you'd never ask.

Yes, I think it's time for a drink, Wesley,

by my...third lady's watch.

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