Original subtitles

KNOCKING AT DOOR

No, Howard!

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Forget it, Howard. I'm not in.

How do you know it's me?

A - I'm psychic,

B - it's ALWAYS you, Howard.

Good morning.

Well, they are now.

They didn't use to be.

Pardon? Mornings - they didn't use to be good.

No, no, not in the jungle, during the war. No, mornings were bad.

That was a time of maximum tension.

That was when you found out if the enemy had got closer in the night.

We were behind enemy lines, you see.

Really.

Eh-up, Eli!

Give us a hand with this.

That's it. There you are. Hey, what is it?

It's for weather forecasting. Tha holds it up and it tells you if it's going to rain.

What will they think of next? Now, hold it up.

Up. Higher!

It works, it works!

ELI CHORTLES

I must get one of these.

Go away, Howard!

HE MOUTHS

You're a good man, Cleggy.

And they say you're never too old to learn!

There's nothing to it, Cleggy. All I want you to do is post this letter.

THAT I can do. I pass the postbox on my way to town. I'll post it.

Not in a postbox. I want you to post it through my door. It's for Pearl.

For Pearl! I thought it was too good to be true. I'm not getting at cross-purposes with Pearl!

You'll be doing her a favour. Do me a favour, Howard - go home.

It's a surprise for her. I'll bet!

It's from a secret admirer, offering her a fortnight's holiday - free.

If it's from a secret admirer, Howard, how come YOU know about it?

Well, it IS from me, but I want her to think it's from an admirer.

So, you'll pretend to be an admirer and pay for a fortnight's holiday?

I'm of a generous nature.

You want to get rid of her for two weeks! I'm sending her on holiday, not burying her in the garden!

Where on holiday? A fortnight in a caravan at Winksley.

Howard, she'd be better off buried in the garden!

The forecast said fine.

My Barry does weather forecasting. He keeps a piece of seaweed.

Seaweed? Well, it's cheaper than a hamster.

There are times when you know your Barry is in a financial situation.

It tells him if it's going to rain or not.

But can he tell me if your father's coming out of that shed?

I have to drag him out for his meals.

Oh, it's stopped raining.

It's your Barry messing with that seaweed!

And it...it wasn't just the heat, you know?

Although you could roll an egg down inside your trousers and when it reached your feet, it was boiled!

No, it was the insects and the snakes. My God, the snakes!

There was this one devil, he was about that big, you know.

We called it Dracula's Bootlace!

Now, one bite from that and you went stiff - absolutely rigid.

And you can stay like that for weeks!

Well, we had this Lance Corporal... Now, he was bitten and he went stiff - absolutely rigid.

We used him as a flagpole.

And the insects, insects as big as bar stools. They could carry off your steel helmet. And... Oh!

It's funny what people do for enjoyment.

It's funny what Howard does!

I'm sure some of them don't really enjoy it. Oh, I used to enjoy what I did for enjoyment!

Until you got arrested!

Chap this morning in the canal - judging by the noises he was making, he wasn't enjoying it at all!

Maybe he was drowning! No, he was just in there swimming.

Look!

Is that Wesley?

It can't be - he's not wearing his old cap.

That's like Holmes without Watson.

Some HOMES are without electric.

Have you been cut off again?

And in your prime!

It is Wesley.

I wonder what he's up to. None of our business.

Eh-up, Wesley!

Why the disguise?

What are tha doing all togged up like Humphrey Go-kart?

Keep your voice down. Ye gods, you try to move quietly!

You'll have to disguise the walk, Wesley. It's a dead giveaway.

Sorry to see you without your cap. I hope it's not serious.

I'm being careful. There's a lot of jealousy in the motor business.

They find out you're buying certain parts, they put two and two together.

There are parts tha's not allowed to put two and two together with,

except on Sheffield Wednesday!

Did you have to bring him?

He follows us everywhere. I think it's because we're good to him.

What two parts are tha looking for? Keep your voice down.

Motor parts.

Oh!

Well, we'll come with thee.

Oh, goody(!)

What sort of an old banger

are tha rebuilding this time then, Wesley? It's confidential.

WOMAN: 'Stay where you are. You're on closed-circuit television.

'Many vehicles are booby-trapped. The management accepts no responsibility for lost limbs.'

BELL RINGS

It's Auntie Wainwright.

It's her junkyard.

Oh, dear! It's not easy for an old lady to keep an eye on her stock!

Still I do the best I can on me bicycle.

Now then...

Listen.

Do me a favour - you carry these back to me shed.

That way we can preserve security.

What's all this secrecy? What are you doing in that shed?

I can't say anything yet.

I didn't want one of those. What are you doing with one of those?

It's not yours, it's mine. She sold it to me. What do you want it for?

I don't. I never did. I tried to tell her.

Listen, I'll go home this way, and you go the other way

and I'll meet you...at the shed.

He's overdoing it. Oh, it's Auntie Wainwright who's overdoing it.

You can't blame the man, not if he's doing something important.

Security is always a first requirement.

WOMEN SHRIEK

WOMEN: A-a-ah!

What are you doing, Mother?

This thing keeps lurching forward! Put your handbrake on!

Me handbrake?

Well, your father never said anything about a handbrake.

Is that your father in a funny hat?

It is. It's your father in a funny hat!

He's overdoing the notices. HAMMERING

He's overdoing the noises!

Aye, he likes a bit of noise, does Wesley.

Who is it?

You know who it is. We've got your motor parts. Keep your voice down!

What's the password? The pass...

You didn't give us any password. Are you sure? Oh...open the door!

Are you sure you weren't followed?

What are you hiding? Hiding?

Who's hiding? I don't know why you're spreading rumours about people hiding?

'Stay where you are.

'Don't touch any of the vehicles.'

ROAR OF ENGINE

That's better. It's cutting down my arrival time. What can I do for you?

I'm looking for a pole.

A pole?

Does it have to be a pole?

For a finder's fee, I can put you onto some...Pakistanis or a German!

No, a long pole - to stick up in the air.

Oh, oh, no problem. Follow me.

Wait for me!

It's none of our business.

He's made it our business by being so secretive.

You can't be so secretive without arousing people's curiosity. Full of mystery - that's Nora Batty.

Ah, well, maybe that's what he's doing in that shed - reconditioning Nora Batty! No, she's fine.

She just needs an MOT. Personally, I regard it as a challenge. Me too.

No, not Nora Batty - Wesley.

He's practically challenged us to find out what he's got in that shed.

Well, we've found one thing.

That in that long raincoat and that funny hat, he looks a right pillock.

Why would your father be wearing a funny hat? There will be a perfectly simple explanation.

He'll be up to something.

It's a disguise. I work on the principal they have things to hide!

Oh, do you do that, as well?!

Why would he be disguised? If it was a disguise he wanted, he only had to change his overalls!

^ I tell you, he'll be up to something.

They always are!

Me father isn't! There'll be a perfectly innocent explanation.

Now, hands up, all who believe there'll be a perfectly innocent explanation.

Oh, Mother!

Ah, you never realise being nosey could be such hard work.

Satisfying though!

We can't get in. His shed's locked.

Locked?

Hah! His shed's bolted, barred

and, by the time we get there,

he'll have a moat and a drawbridge!

Yeah, but whatever he's doing, it's something with an engine.

Now, he's going to have to take it out to road-test it, isn't he?

And when he does, we'll be there watching.

He's got it covered up! We've missed it!

He's taking it into the hills. He's going to test it. ENGINE STARTS UP

We're never going to catch up with Wesley at this rate.

Why don't we thumb a lift?

What we'll do is we'll thumb a lift.

Ought we to accept lifts from strangers?

I most certainly think we ought to. Why?

Cos it's better than walking!

I fought for you in the jungle!

For him? Why did you fight for him? He won't even give people a lift.

There's another one coming.

He's stopping. At least this time it's a gentleman.

Hop in, ladies. Get comfortable!

Er... No, thanks, Eli.

We've changed our minds. On tha way, Eli.

Suit yourselves. I've been driving for 50 years!

How did he get in this far?

Well, he's been driving for 50 years!

Are you there, Eli?

They never used to leave stuff in the road like this in my day.

ALL: Oooh!

Why's he being so secretive?

Usually it's another woman. Why would he keep her in a shed?

If she's anything like the one mine keeps, she'll suit a shed!

I can't see Wesley with another woman.

Then why was he wearing a funny hat?

We all wear funny hats, according to some people.

Some people can't recognise a decent hat when they see one.

SHE RATTLES DOOR

Wesley Pegdon! Get yourself out here.

He's not here, Mother. He never is - especially when you're talking to him.

What happened, Howard?

I wonder, sometimes, if we're being followed!

It's not often people get followed.

I know,

I've tried.

There's Wesley's Land Rover.

You come out here for a bit of peace and quiet!

What's tha got under there, Wesley?

You think you're miles from anywhere! Stop being so coy, Wesley. You know your secret's safe with us.

It's safe enough with me - if it's mechanical I shan't understand it! Wesley.

What is it?

Aye, what is it?

It looks like a fence.

Oh, come on, Welsey, tha's got to show it to us sometime.

All right, but not a word, mind. Not till it's been tested.

You see. I told you I wouldn't understand it.

It's an amphibian - a boat that goes on water and land.

You don't have to keep lifting your boat on and off trailers - you drive it straight to the water.

I knew it wasn't another woman.

Why's your father in a boat... on dry land?

What's he doing with his pole?

Maybe it's his aerial. Why would he need an aeriel?

Maybe he's having radar installed.

Well, she works on land.

That man, what's wrong with you?

I think I feel seasick.

But you're still on land!

Don't tell me, tell my stomach.

Tha'll be all right, Norm, when we get in the water. Water?!

Water? Well, certainly. The man has to test it in the water.

Oh, oh!

Is he going to let us out?

What do you want to get out for? You're having fun, aren't you? He doesn't want to get out.

Do you hear that, Norm? Tha doesn't want to get out.

Funny, I could have sworn I did.

Tha's having fun, aren't tha?

Well, you're having fun, aren't you?

Yes, well, it's quite simple, really.

You just take a run at it, you know, get up speed and...

she'll clear the bank and land in the water.

Where are you going, those men? Come back!

You can do it, Wesley.

Oh, you just...

You just put your foot down

and you'll sail off the end of the pier...into the water.

I can do it.

I can do it.

I can't do it!

I had it all worked out for you.

I build 'em, I don't have to drive 'em.

It'd take somebody with... nerves of steel.

It was the "man of steel" line that did it. He's more your plastic.

Ah, yeah, but your highly-trained plastic!

Now, you see, er... You see...my weight is all wrong.

I mean, I'd do it in a minute but I'm too tall.

It needs someone smaller... Someone with a lower centre of gravity.

Don't look at me, Felicity. There's no way tha's getting me in there!

CAR APPROACHES

They're never going in that thing! They're never going in the water!

They've never got the nerve to go in that!

It's been nice knowing you, kid.

What can I do, Norm? Look at her, looking at me - in admiration.

She thinks you're barmy!

No, nonsense. She's most impressed. Ah, you're doing a good job, lad.

You heard, I'm doing a good job, lad.

Come on, then. Back here.

ENGINE ROARS

I think you made her a mite heavy, Wesley!

There's always a critic.

Everybody's a critic.

Well, he's certainly got a lower centre of gravity now!

I need the kiss of life, Norm.

Oh dear, one way and another, it's been a big day!

Not you, you daft pillock!

Get Nora.

I can't tell you how glad I am you said that!

Nora.

He needs you, Nora.

Oh, he was so brave.

He still is.

He needs the kiss of life.

Oh.

Well...

As long as it's understood it's for medicinal purposes.

NORA SQUEALS

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