Original subtitles

Tha's very fetching on wash-days.

How can I defend myself with an armful of sheets? Tricky, isn't it?

Get off!

Oh, I'm sorry.

It was that sudden movement you made.

The stealthy rustle, just like an enemy crawling through grass.

Jungle grass, of course. Not the civilian bits you get round here.

Oh, the old trained reflexes are still sharp. Eeeee, ah!

Yes, razor sharp.

Got to be. Your life depends on it.

I used to say that to poor old Private Willis.

"Willis," I used to say, "you'll have to be sharper than that, lad."

Poor old Willis.

There was a tear in his eye when he took my hand,

just before we buried him.

"Killer," he said... He used to call me Killer, you know.

"Killer," he said, "I should have listened.

"I should have listened.

"But I want you to know," he said, "how glad I am that YOU got the Jap who got me."

And, you know...

PUMP SQUEAKS

SQUEAKING

SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK

SQUEAK, SQUEAK

SQUEAK

SPLASH

Have you ever been in love, Cleggy?

Oh, dear, Howard!

Couldn't we talk about the weather, eh? It's more my style.

BUZZING

You come all the way up a hill, and there's this insect waiting.

How did it know we were coming up here?

You don't call these midget creatures insects. Here we go. Okay, what do YOU call insects?

Ronald (?)

I could tell you tales about insects. I've seen insects big enough to carry off children.

He DOES talk some fanny. But fluently.

I've seen these winged things flying through the jungle,

big as small mangles.

And teeth? Oh, they could eat steel helmets.

That reminds me, I could eat a steel helmet. He's always thinking about his stomach. That's not true.

I am thinking about Nora Batty. Now, there's a lady who could eat steel helmets.

Maybe it was Nora Batty you saw in the jungle. No, Dorothy Lamour.

That's close enough. Who is Dorothy Lamour but Nora Batty in a sarong?

No, I'm thinking of Nora especially today.

Why today? It's wash-day.

It doesn't show. Not MINE.

Hers.

There's something about Nora on washing-day that gets to me.

She drives me wild.

Tha can keep tha fancy perfumes.

Just give me a sniff of her green carbolic, boy, and I am away.

There was this species of winged beetle that used to charge at you like a rugby forward.

It could knock you off your feet. It didn't worry thee, though? No.

What's that crawling on your collar, Foggy? What? Get it off!

Get it off!

Old Sylvester. After a short illness.

I read about it in the paper. Used to cane me rotten.

He must have been in his nineties. Not when he was caning me rotten.

I thought he'd been dead for years. Mind you, several of our teachers gave that impression.

Old Sylvester. Roughest teacher we ever had.

He said I'd never make any good, and look where he is now.

ALL TOGETHER: Old Sylvester.

SLURPING

Big hitter, was Slasher Sylvester.

Left his mark on many a lad.

And in some funny places, too.

Tough, but fair.

Gave me half his cheese sandwich once.

Very likely. If anybody was ever eating, you'd be standing there, drooling like a scruffy mongrel.

I were always hungry. Tell us something new!

You've never grown out of it.

He wasn't a bad old stick.

Especially to his brighter pupils.

Creep! Just 'cos he let tha give the pencils out.

You big, smarmy dillop.

I was a leader, even in them days. Creeper!

He was hard on a split infinitive.

He nearly split mine more than once.

Yeah, you can see that.

Oops, sorry.

Yeah, that'll do.

Okay. Hey-up, tha missed a bit.

When it comes to cleaning, since when have you been the expert?

Just be gone before I come back.

By heck, tha does get thaself mixed up with some rough women, Smiler.

What with her and Nora Batty and Auntie Wainwright,

I sometimes think that the Third Reich is alive and well.

A powerful grip, that Ivy.

If I weren't spoken for, I could go for that Ivy. You've no nerve.

When you're a sex symbol, Norm, it's not easy.

Sex symbol? You look like a virus resting between epidemics.

What does a virus look like, Norm?

A sort of small ferret.

Good heavens, look at that!

The things people wear these days!

I know I'm scruffy, but I've got me pride.

Strikes at the foundations of British decency, those colours.

With white legs. Ugh!

White! No-one of our generation would wear shorts like that.

Howard!

I can explain.

Come on, Howard. Tha needs a drink.

It shows a basic decency in Howard that he's thoroughly ashamed.

Come on. There's nobody in the bar. Four pints, please, landlord.

What's up with him? Excessive colouring.

Get thaself in, Howard! There's nobody here.

I thought you said there was nobody in!

It's only the barman.

You can hardly expect self-service.

Excessive colouring. I see what you mean. Don't look at him. He's very embarrassed. I should think so.

It's Pearl's idea.

She knows damn well I wouldn't let Marina see me dead in this outfit.

Pearl thinks I'm safe, wearing stuff like this. Well, you're safe from me, that's for sure.

There's none of you happen to have a long coat?

Have you seen Howard?

My mam said I was never to talk to gypsies, especially big fellas.

We'll have one more drink for old Slasher, then we've got to go and leave our technicolour friend.

Go? You can't leave me like this.

We can't walk with you, Howard. You wouldn't want to mix with the kind of people who'd walk with you.

Be reasonable, Howard.

Why have you got to go? We've got to pay our respects to old Slasher.

It's all right for him.

Don't worry, Howard.

If Marina sees tha dressed like that, tha will be dead, too.

How did you manage to get your husband in colours like that? You apply fear. Sheer, naked fear.

Yes, I've always found that was best.

You can keep them in regular, good condition with fear and Epsom salts.

They need discipline. What about kindness?

Well, of course they need kindness.

Who do you think buys the Epsom salts?

They need the carrot and the stick. You can hit them with both.

I treat my Barry with kindness, whether he likes it or not.

I can't see him in loud colours.

I'd prefer your father oil-covered than in colours. He looks terrible.

Of course he looks terrible, but it keeps him indoors.

Where is he now? On an errand. He'll be back home by now.

He won't loiter, dressed like that.

Terribly bright about the house. Can't do your eyes any good. He never did.

That was very good of you, lads.

I couldn't have got home otherwise. Tha could have carried a small tree and pretended tha were a banana.

Next time, I'll bring my sunglasses.

Hey-up, ain't that Marina?

Oh, God! Don't let her see me! Don't let her see me like this!

Norman Clegg that was!

Why are you standing like that?

Like what? Perfectly ordinary standing.

It doesn't look very ordinary to me.

You look weird, like statues.

Pigeons. We're trying to attract pigeons.

What for? One damn thing leads to another, doesn't it? We like pigeons.

I know just what you mean, Norman.

I like pigeons. Little, proud, strutting things.

Has anybody seen Howard?

TOGETHER: Howard Who? You KNOW Howard who.

Oh, THAT Howard! Never seen him.

Has he been missing long? Too long. Achoo!

How did you do that? Do what?

Sneeze without moving your face. It's an old wartime trick he picked up in the jungle.

We did everything without moving a muscle.

If there's one thing a girl appreciates, it's moving muscle.

Achoo!

Howard!

But, Marina, I can explain. You don't owe me any explanation.

If that's the way you want to go, I can't stop you. What way?

Dressing up flash. It's obvious you've got a younger woman.

It's not true! I'm faithful to you and Pearl. I like older women.

What do YOU want?

It's no use asking me that now. I can't stop. I'm off to a funeral.

You've been drinking.

Just on account of the funeral. Whose funeral? Old Sylvester's.

A funeral? You look like the back of Blackett's bus. You can't go to a funeral dressed like that.

That's why I've come to warn thee.

Warn me? About what? I am going down below to smarten myself up a bit.

And I am going to look so ravishing, I don't want thee going all to pieces.

I just thought I'd warn you.

Do you think he'll be smart? If he's not, he can stand outside.

Outside the chapel? The churchyard. I'm not letting him near the chapel.

He can be so embarrassing on formal occasions. He can be embarrassing on any occasion.

I could take him to the supermarket and drill him for a while.

There's an expanse of parade-ground surface in the supermarket car-park.

I never noticed that. Oh, yes, yes.

I sometimes sneak out there at night, you know, just to hear me boots slamming to attention.

You're just an old romantic, Foggy.

I bet old Sylvester would still have you giving out his pencils.

Poor old Sylvester. Such a waste.

It's far too good for a car-park.

Give me the moonlight,

And give me the girl,

And leave the rest...to...me!

Ow! That man!

Oh, yes, that's much better.

Better?! I bet old Sylvester looks smarter than this.

It goes everywhere, that suit.

The ideal model for formal occasions.

And you have the advantage of my introductory offer for new hire customers. Which is what?

It comes complete with matching accessories. Such as what?

Buttons, belt-loops, pockets. Oh, a host of inclusive features.

For you, I'll throw in a hat.

He'll take it. No, wait! Hang on a minute!

You look splendid. Tell him, Clegg.

You look splendid.

His eyes are shut.

I daren't look at Auntie Wainwright.

I swore I'd never set foot in here without a crucifix and some garlic.

Cleggy, he says I look smart.

A damn sight more presentable than in that Maurice Chevalier outfit.

Every little breeze Seems to whisper "Louise"...

Oh!

She's coming back! See if she casts a shadow.

Who's turned the lights out?

Stop exaggerating. It fits perfectly.

It transforms him. You could get elected, dressed like that.

Me hat's too big. Me boots are too tight.

Is he always this picky? It's a funeral, not his wedding night.

I found the occasions to be very similar.

Of course, if he wanted to go up-market, price-wise, I could fit him with something better.

No, no, this is fine.

Are you going to old Sylvester's funeral?

A very shrewd deduction. He's sharp.

There's no better training than living with Pearl. I'm coming, too.

You can't go dressed like that. I'll get changed.

If I'm going to a funeral, I'll be able to wear a dark suit.

I'm looking forward to being able to wear a dark suit.

A really boring, dull suit, just like his.

I knew it! No, he didn't mean boring. He meant...elegant.

Like hell he did!

You've got 20 minutes. We'll wait.

In the pub. Do you think that's a good idea?

I don't think it's a BAD idea. I've heard worse ideas. For a funeral, that is a very good idea.

See? There's a lot going on under that hat, in the dark. There is.

All right, Howard. In the pub.

I want you to be there by 15:20 hours.

I'll be there, I'll be there.

15:20 hours?

What kind of time is that?

I can't get over him in that hat!

Bog off! The voice is familiar, but the hat...

Hey-up! Ignore him. He's just being accurate.

I told thee this is a stupid hat. No, no, no, you look much improved.

Why is he laughing? He has no sense of what's appropriate for a funeral.

Funeral? I hope someone's going to bury that hat.

I'm not wearing it.

Nay, don't spoil it!

I love it, I love it!

That's better! I couldn't get used to the all-electric Howard.

It was like living next door to Disneyland. It feels good to be back in simple monochrome.

Does tha want to borrow a hat? Not THAT simple.

We ought to be going. Howard needs a drink. But we've had enough.

Relax, Foggy. It's my round.

Oh, well, in that case...

Could tha lend us a fiver?

I ought to have a drink to old Sylvester. To old Sylvester.

We're late. We're not. We're just in time.

Tha's tiddly, Howard. Nonsense! It's the sheer good spirits of being back in a dark suit.

Looks like tiddly. Why's he tiddly?

There are hats round here could sober anybody.

Straighten your face. You're at a funeral.

It's all right for thee. Tha's got a face fit for a funeral.

That man! Why is that man smiling?

You could get seven day's CB for a smile like that. It's nothing.

Howard, out with it. What's tha up to?

Just a stroke of genius, that's all. Marina! He's up to something with Marina!

Who told you? I knew it! Subversive activities. What have you done?

I invited her to a funeral. Where's the harm in attending a funeral?

You'll be seen. It doesn't matter. She'll be in full black, wearing a veil.

You tricky devil. Not only electric, but plugged in with it.

We arranged that she'll be waiting for me in the church of the porch.

Pardon?

He was a good teacher.

He was always fair.

He once gave me half his cheese sandwich.

I'm glad we came. Me, too.

You don't think I'd not let you come?

Yes, I... I don't want to worry anyone...

Don't. It's not an occasion for extra worry.

This is an occasion for celebrating the life of a good man. Agreed.

As long as we've got the right good man.

What are you talking about? See the name on the coffin. Bickerdyke.

We're at the wrong funeral.

Whoops! Better forget the church porch, Howard!

Howard?

Who's a cuddly person, then? Who looks terrific in black?

Subtitles by John Macdonald BBC Scotland 1992

- It's the Phantom of the Graveyard! - Have you seen a small person? I'm looking for a small person.

I'm not a small person! I'm taller than I look!

I'm basically a tall person.

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