Original subtitles

You understand I have to find Mother.

You're worried she won't like hens.

HEN CLUCKS

We'll work something out. Trust me.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello? Glenda? Can I call you back?

'Did you forget something, perhaps?'

I forgot something?

I don't think so.

I've got everything here.

On the floor...!

'Perhaps you forgot to kiss me.'

I didn't forget to kiss you. I had both hands full and an umbrella in my teeth.

'Perhaps you had it there on purpose.'

No, I didn't hang it there so I wouldn't have to kiss you.

'Maybe you prefer to kiss the umbrella!' Glenda, that's a bit harsh!

'That's what it feels like!' I don't prefer to chew an umbrella sooner than kiss you.

Well, I don't...

I admit, I don't drag you behind the settee to kiss you any more. That was before we were married.

We used to have 30 seconds when your mother went to put the kettle on.

'You've gone off the boil, like the kettle.' I haven't gone off the boil.

DIALLING TONE

Hello...? Hello?

Bradshaw. I'm a Bradshaw.

That's gratitude, isn't it?

We put our life on the line.

We were only doing school crossing.

They're not without danger.

Some of those kids are little germ factories.

They're biological weapons.

I never breathe when they're passing.

So that's why you go blue.

Do I go blue?

I didn't like to mention it.

I thought maybe you were dying or summat.

You stayed very calm.

You always said to keep your cool during a crisis.

I didn't mean mine!

That's it. Stop.

That's the house. Number 12.

The Bradshaws. My Bradshaws!

To be here at last...

Mother is behind that door.

Help me down!

Alvin! All right.

You're all leg and no notion.

I don't believe he ever jumped out of aeroplanes. I think he fell.

I had a moment's giddiness. It happens.

Combat fatigue, plus I get a build-up of wax.

I wonder sometimes if I need glasses.

You'll have to go. I'm too emotional. I can feel a twitch coming.

You're going to feel a right twitch if it's the wrong Bradshaws.

This isn't just guesswork! I do my research.

I was known throughout the secret world for meticulous planning.

Better known round here for being big jessie.

I encourage that. It hides the deadly force.

Well, that's true. They see you using Lipsyl and the last thing they think of is deadly force.

I get chapped lips.

I blame lying wounded in Siberia.

Off you go. Go on.

Tell Mother her boy is waiting.

You're all creamed up. Your lips are glossy, you smell divinely.

You should go.

And the first thing she sees is a twitch? I don't think so!

You said you had nerves of steel. That's for danger!

This is heartache.

I may have been a hunter-killer, but I never lost touch with my feminine side.

Is there a free person here?

Is there anyone likely to be going into town?

BOTH: No.

When people have got their freedom, I can't understand why they don't use it.

She's confiscated your mobile phone.

Again.

She hides it.

Come on! I'm in lock down.

And you're both wrong. I'm not looking for the person you're thinking of.

I'm looking for Agnes.

I want her address.

What if she doesn't want to see you?

That's not in my calculations.

It's been 50 years and not a word from her.

She could have been busy.

Trying to forget you.

Will you stop it? I'm nervous enough.

Maybe she gave you away in the first place because she couldn't stand your twitch.

Don't worry about the twitch. I've got it under control.

What was that then?

That was a wink.

What are you winking at?

It's a reflex from so much time spent peering through a telescopic sight.

OK. I believe I'm ready. How do I look?

I should have brought flowers.

You did bring flowers. You see!

They tried to make me forget, but Luther Hobdyke refuses to forget.

I hope she likes flowers. Have we time to get some chocolates?

Stop backing off. Go say hello to Mother.

I wonder if she'll recognise me?

Wonder if husband will.

How old were you when she gave you away?

Three days.

To think, she kept me for three days before she could tear herself away.

Ahh!

I think that's sweet, don't you?

Who did she give you to?

Some wealthy couple.

You see how she cared?

They kept me for four days.

You were getting better at bonding. Who did they give you to?

The trail gets a bit hazy there.

I ended up in the orphanage.

Who did they give you to?

They didn't. I stayed there until I was old enough to join the Royal Marines.

You joined Royal Marines?

No, but I was old enough.

You realise, I have to shade these details for security purposes.

Don't just stroke it.

It's not a purse full of money.

Polish it. Get some elbow behind it.

I'm giving it as much elbow as I've got.

Ha!

I'm looking for an inexpensive, second-hand vacuum cleaner for my friend Toby.

You found a friend then? Just like that!

He lets me do his housework.

Must have seen you coming.

No. He's always still in bed when I get there.

I have my own key.

Who told you?

What? It was supposed to be a secret.

What secret?

That superb second-hand vacuum cleaner.

I was saving it for a special customer.

Oh, well then! I'll try elsewhere.

Oh, all right.

If you're going to sulk.

Perhaps I could let you have a look at it.

I should have changed.

If she hasn't seen you since three days old, you have changed.

I should have brought my swimming certificate from the orphanage. Mothers like things like that.

You should have brought sandwiches if we'll be out here much longer.

I hope she doesn't feel too guilty about abandoning me.

Make her feel better. Tell her she kept you for a whole week.

Lie about your age.

Am I twitching? Can you see a twitch?

Go give her the flowers, she'll not notice the twitch.

My fingers feel sticky.

I'll have to go and wash.

I mean, what kind of first impression is sticky fingers?

You can't always have gorgeous.

How about never?

Have you never had gorgeous?

I've had wandering husbands.

That's mainly what I've had.

Of course, you're not always aware of this at the time.

I always make a point of asking.

But what if they lie? I know. I am too trusting.

It can get you into all kinds of trouble!

If you're lucky.

There are some things worth more than gorgeous.

I like good manners.

I've never found any, but I'd like to.

I like loyalty.

I think loyalty and faithfulness are worth a few points.

But where do you find a man with qualities like that?

I think the best course is to just keep looking.

Talk about diminishing returns!

And we don't all have your stamina.

I admit, you'd never mistake Howard for a hunk.

I never have!

But go on.

But at least he's a one-woman man.

But he's married.

I mean, apart from that.

Norman Clegg that was!

I'm with him.

And I'm too old for excitement.

Oh, Mr Truelove, not really.

Gave it up for Lent and it never came back.

You see how dangerous behaving yourself is!

You're in no danger!

Actually, we're on an errand of mercy for Howard.

One wonders, Howard who?

He's looking for the address of a lady called Agnes.

Well, I'm sure that's of no interest to me.

CRASHING, SCREAMING

Ah! Ah-ah-ah!

BELL RINGS

Mother!

Now? Why not now?

In broad daylight?

You're in your own home. It's not platform three at City Station.

Where did it come from? What?

This urge to be kissed behind the settee.

Does it matter?

It's a bit of daft.

A trip down memory lane.

We don't do daft any more, and that's a pity.

Do you think it's really appropriate for a financial adviser?

I've got news for you, buster.

With me, you're not a financial adviser.

You're the world's cuddliest person!

Keep your voice down.

This won't do me any favours in financial circles.

We're going on a trip, Barry.

Just you and me, behind the settee.

Er... It won't be the same without your mother.

Now, Barry!

Oh, ah...

Where are you going?

Just making sure the door's locked.

Who's likely to come in?

I wouldn't put it past your mother.

Oh, that looks really non-suspicious(!)

It's just a kiss.

I'm ready. Don't sound as though you need an anaesthetic.

All right.

I'm here.

You used to do this with a lot more speed and sparkle!

And then what? You've forgotten, haven't you?

KNOCKING AT THE DOOR

Who can that be?!

If they saw anything through the window,

tell them we were looking for a mouse.

I'm not telling people we've got mice!

Ah! You're going to have to show me how to work a few things.

I'm not that switched-on, domestically.

Where's Morton?

I sent him off to buy a cheap vacuum cleaner.

Life in the divorce lane is just one damn thrill after another(!)

Didn't they take her spleen? Did they?

Or was it her gall bladder?

I knew she had some sort of problem.

I thought it was him.

No, she cured him.

How did she manage that?

She used to hide his trousers.

How did that work?

Have you seen them without trousers?

Yeah, course you have.

Just a husband. It wasn't a hobby.

A husband's quite enough to give you the general impression.

It hardly matters how big they are gob-wise.

They run out of steam once their knees are showing.

And it keeps them indoors!

How long did she hide his trousers?

Till he was sober and hung over and full of remorse.

Understood.

That's about the only time their trousers are safely in neutral.

TAP AT THE DOOR Get back!

Fine body of men.

Not a smoker among them.

You could die here from secondary non-smoking.

He looks under pressure.

His mother doesn't love him any more.

I expect yours had the same problem.

Ex pub landlady speaks with forked tongue.

It's a trade that teaches you how to deal with dozy men.

Are there any other kind?

I know where I went wrong.

So do I. Though I still married him.

I was too much of a shock.

I made a tactical error.

Tried to claim wrong mother.

It could happen to anyone.

Doesn't he know his own mother?

I do now.

So, tell us, Ivy.

Where were you on a certain night in the early '60s?

She was the right mother.

It was just bad timing.

Where was that one taken?

Probably Cleethorpes.

That was about as far as we ever got.

Oh, don't talk to me about Cleethorpes.

I made a bad mistake at Cleethorpes.

The weather?

No!

That's where I met him.

I never noticed the weather.

Of course, I was only a stupid young girl at the time.

Well, if you're going to be stupid, that's the time.

You must have had your moments. Not at Cleethorpes.

I never expected romance at Cleethorpes.

Or I'd never have bought a bucket and spade.

How old were you?

It didn't matter. In those days, if you went to the seaside, you bought a bucket and spade.

I was 18.

And you discovered there was more to life than building sandcastles.

I bet he was gorgeous.

Well, you'd have gone on digging if he was bog standard.

Oh, he was gorgeous!

And didn't he know it.

I gather we're not talking about Travis.

Er, no... This was before Travis.

It's hard to believe now, isn't it, there was life before Travis.

How much life?

Not as much as that!

But he was lovely...

Some of them are at that age.

What? What?

That's twice she's abandoned me.

I should try for three, then pack it in.

Are you sure it's her?

I've double-checked all my research.

And got it wrong. It's not wrong.

I followed the bloodline through six generations.

Is it my destiny to be alone?

You've got a hen. I'm talking family here.

Maybe you could adopt a mother.

I want my own mother.

A person needs his own mother.

I've dreamed of this moment.

Drinks all round!

It's a big day for me.

What kind of drinks?

I thought maybe you'd all like a nice cup of tea.

Oh, it is a big day(!)

The thought of Mother kept me going while I was climbing Everest on a bicycle.

On a bicycle?!

It was a mountain bike.

Knows what he's doing.

I blame his sat nav.

I left my marker on the very top.

"For Mother," it said.

"May we meet at some other doorstep."

Oh, give over! You'll have me all undone(!)

I remember it vividly.

I had a puncture on the way down.

But now I've seen that other doorstep, I think I know what went wrong.

She didn't like the look of you.

I was too much in her face without warning. I was a shock.

It has been said.

We've got to try again. We?!

Well, are we a team or aren't we?

You think she wants triplets on her doorstep?

This time, it's softly-softly.

Oh, thank goodness I've found someone! I have a problem.

Although, to be fair, it isn't really my problem, it's someone else's problem.

Hey, calm down a moment. What is this problem?

It's an Agnes thing.

She won't move until she's found out who the woman is.

Who won't move? Marina! She's holding a protest. She won't budge.

I've tried to persuade her.

Where is she? She's out there!

That's it. Finished. No more everybody's plaything.

I will not be tampered with again.

Unless it's for charitable purposes.

What the Dickens? It's a protest.

Against the unreliability of men.

You'll need more than one trolley.

What are we going to do about that parking ticket?

Why are you asking me? It was on your side.

I think it were for the whole car.

It was under your wiper.

RADIO: 'Echo Tango 7676, attendance required at road traffic incident.'

Are you sure about this?

Never underestimate the power of the sympathy effect.

You help me to the door, ring the bell.

She sees me. I give a sad little wave.

What do we say is wrong with you?

Which is something we've both been wondering about!

Something simple. Don't overdo it.

The trick always in these things is underplay.

Just tell her I'm suffering from a lot of post-combat stress.

Still recovering from various wounds,

and a couple of assassination attempts. Oh!

Plus there are still the after-effects of the time they couldn't break me under torture.

Have you got all that? Glad he's keeping it simple(!)

Off you go, then, good luck! No, not yet, no.

We're too conspicuous. Just reverse round the corner.

Aaah-ohh!

Chaps! Team! My team! Please?!

What have you done? You've wrecked me car!

You've wrecked me car and just...

Your fault. Your fault! It was your fault!

It wasn't me. Look at my car. It wasn't my fault!

I've seen this before. Tempers frayed. Road rage.

Could turn nasty. People!

I bet they were listening to their radios.

Music's supposed to be the food of love. Look at them.

What's our best move?

Not to move.

Best to wait while they cool down.

Makes sense to me.

First rule of good policing.

Exercise a calming effect.

(DRIVER) I've had enough of you.

Look, it were your fault! You were coming round the corner.

It were your fault. Put me down! You're choking me. Put me down!

I'm finished. Finished? You heard him, we've killed him!

We haven't killed him. We've just dropped him in a hole, that's all.

Ohhh...

Oh, you're right, we've killed him.

Nobody's killed him.

You don't think Agent Hobdyke, Ace Hobdyke, doesn't know how to penetrate drains?

I've been down deeper drains than that. You said you were finished!

Finished here.

It's the wrong Bradshaw.

As I was falling, I had a sudden illumination.

We know. We heard scream.

That wasn't a scream.

A Hobdyke doesn't scream.

It was a cry of "Eureka!"

It's not this Bradshaw.

I want the second cousin.

I may not be a young, muscular athlete any more...

You'll get no argument from me.

..but I do know my manners.

At least you have the advantage of living with a gentleman

of the old school, who knows how to treat a lady.

There, you see.

The second cousin. That's the Bradshaw line I should have been following.

Yeah, Marina... Marina?

Yeah, Marina!

Marina was in a supermarket trolley?

Whatever for? Ye Gods!

Don't tell me you can have her delivered now!

Is it like Interflora?

I bet she's pulled out on Father's Day!

What was she doing in a trolley?

Perhaps she's lost the use of her legs.

It's not for want of fresh air round them.

She's not a barley wine drinker, is she?

I've seen that do terrible things to legs.

But what was she doing on a trolley?

Good question.

She's usually off her trolley.

They said it was a protest. She had this sign saying "Down with men."

Let's be fair to the woman. She could be onto something there.

I wouldn't be without my man.

You can keep your electric blankets!

I shall. Until men have a thermostat they can set to "barely warm".

Oh, I could join a protest against men.

Don't be bitter.

You didn't have a bad time at Cleethorpes.

Oh, very nice biscuits, weren't they?

I assumed these were the only ones of that name.

But look here, you see? Through the second cousin, another line of Bradshaws.

Bradshaw? I was a Bradshaw.

You were a Bradshaw?

Yes... What about it?

The Bradshaws of Wellington Street?

Yes. What of it?

Mother! Oh, get off, you dozy oaf! Get off!

You're looking well. Doesn't she look well?

She looks embarrassed.

She looks like Mother.

It's all rubbish.

A present from Cleethorpes?

No, it is not a present from Cleethorpes!

ELECTRICAL BANGS

It's all perfectly simple.

Agnes is just someone you write to with your problems.

What problems?

Wrong number.

She usually is.

Not only a son, but a hen!

I bet he's got it wrong.

I wonder if she'll emigrate.

Wouldn't you?

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