Original subtitles

Get up off that damp floor before the cat gets you.

Check the pecs, baby!

Are you ready for living with no fat, all beef?

I've seen this ewe. It was here yesterday.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Perhaps we could have it replaced.

With concrete...as they do.

Today, I'm Alvin.

Man of action. Don't show me views.

Alvin. You're a deeply sensitive person.

Nora Batty says that.

No, she doesn't. She says you're barmy.

Yeah, but she means deeply sensitive.

We've warned you.

If you're being sick, that's three points on your licence.

I haven't been sick. She'll kill me if she knows I've been arrested.

Tell her that sounds like a good idea.

Tell her to hang on to it.

Where are we?

You don't like surprises?

It's five miles that way.

By the time you get back to your car you'll be in a better condition for driving.

I'm not getting arrested?

It's your lucky day. We're having a sale.

I'm not going to court?

We don't go to court unless we can't help it.

It doesn't work for us any more.

Don't lose this.

Make sure you're sober next time you use it.

I will. I will. It's been a pleasure.

Suppose he gets a lift.

Won't help him. I've given him the wrong key.

Look at that.

What? People.

You come way out here and still there are people.

Probably live round here.

I don't accept that excuse.

Can you see anybody?

Like who are we looking for?

Nobody. Oh, right.

That clears things up, then.

You can't see anybody? No.

Right, then. This is us.

So, who're we looking for?

I told you. Nobody.

And you're right. There is nobody.

We've cracked it. We can relax.

I am relaxed. It's you that's twitchy.

Are you surprised?

We're in the world's trickiest line of work.

It's not that bad the way we do it.

Course, I guide us every inch of the way.

Are you paying attention?

I'm about to furnish you with the ultimate secret of modern policing.

Have you been holding this back?

I had to be sure you were ready.

This isn't an exchange for one of my sandwiches, is it?

Because you can forget it. I'm giving you this free.

Later, we can talk sandwiches.

No, we can't.

The absolute first requirement of today's policing -

and they don't tell you this at training college - is...

are you ready for it? I'm ready.

Invisibility.

The art of not being seen.

And they don't make it easy for us.

Sticking us in these uniforms.

Dead giveaway. Any fool can see you're a policeman.

Which some people might say is the whole idea.

Once upon a time.

But now the law's gone over the other side, how much of a good idea is it?

You can take him to lunch somewhere.

What do you feed vicars on?

Same as anyone else.

Really? Are you sure about that?

Suppose I'm already chewing when he starts saying grace.

You'll be fine.

Your Auntie Jessie says he's very nice.

She thinks all vicars are nice.

And what do you talk about over lunch?

An entire lunch.

I see St Paul sure gave it to those Corinthians.

Stop it.

You'll be fine.

Just treat him like an ordinary human being.

Have you had a good look at those lately?

Get used to it. You promised your Auntie Jessie.

I didn't say when. She'll be checking.

He was her favourite vicar.

Why doesn't she take him out?

They do. Several of those old ladies do, but he never sees a male person.

He's got God... Barry. even if he has retired.

The vicar, not God.

Although you have to wonder about that these days.

Keep your eyes peeled for danger.

Keep your head down.

Get through the shift. Name of the game.

You've got 14 across wrong.

It's not "receptacle". It was a fit.

Not if you spell it right.

Golden rule.

Keep away from people.

Troublemakers.

They'll suck you into all kinds of lairy situations.

It's the only time they ever want a policeman...when there's trouble.

Does that sound fair to you? Going to have to get a harder crossword.

An intellectual. I'm stuck with an intellectual.

I don't need this.

I need muscle.

If I need backup in a hurry, I don't need you coming in with 14 across.

I'll look after you.

You let that woman hit me.

I can't go about wrestling women.

It's not all bad.

KNOCK ON DOOR

We found Barry walking past with a miserable expression.

Didn't you tell him you'd got one?

Sure he didn't get it from you?

Don't tell me Howard's contagious?

I've got to babysit a retired vicar.

I'm supposed to take him out for the day.

Sounds like fun.

How did you get landed with that?

Me Auntie Jessie. Why can't she take him out?

She does. The old ladies are always taking him out. Oh.

How is your Aunt Jessie, Barry?

Well enough not to take no for an answer.

Taking a vicar out for the day.

That's a new one. I've never thought of that.

You could take mine.

He can't take a vicar on his kind of travels.

I've been nowhere a vicar couldn't go.

But you've been more often.

All you need is a bit of backup, Barry. Let this mob go with you.

Sorry. I've got to stay in and wash my hair.

I'd love to, but promise wife I take her to her woodwork lesson.

Oh, they'll go with you, Barry. They're easily led.

I say, hello!

Who is it?

Bloke on a bicycle.

They come from miles just to bring you their problems.

Maybe he's just passing.

They're never just passing.

How did he find his way out here?

It's the car, isn't it?

They give us these damn things, blue lights all over.

No wonder they find us.

We're all pastel shades. What's wrong with grey?

He's coming. I told you.

All right. We're down here checking the rear wheel.

Maybe he'll think there's nobody here.

Not in car? Where would we be?

Out searching the area for... a lost child.

I hope we find her. Don't.

They leave sticky finger marks all over.

There you are. Get down, sir.

You're in his sights. Sights?

The sniper.

We're about to take him out.

Foxtrot, control.

We've got another problem. A civilian's just stumbled in.

We'll have to exfiltrate him first before we can tackle the sniper.

No.

We daren't wait for backup.

This guy could kill.

We're going in. And listen.

If something goes pear-shaped,

get word to my wife. Tell her...

thanks for all the wonderful years.

Keep your head down below the wall. Go, go.

Go, go!

I wonder what he wanted.

Directions probably.

Anyway, he knows where he's going now. Back where he came from.

"Tell her thanks for all the wonderful years"?

Human touch.

People love the human touch.

It'd be good for me to be seen with the vicar.

Retired. Still counts.

Once a vicar, always a vicar.

When they see me with him, people will realise I've got a serious side.

As long as you keep him on that side and not your other side.

You can make fun of it, but Pearl was impressed when I told her we were taking the vicar out.

She'll be even more impressed when she knows it's a lady vicar.

What? It's not, is it?

No, it's not. Relax.

Hey-up, best behaviour. Here he comes now.

Morning, Vicar. Morning, Vicar. Morning, Vicar.

No, no, no, no!

If it's a bad time, tell him we can come back.

Are you sure he's the one? Haven't they got anything quieter?

He kept muttering, but I thought he was praying.

If there's anyone here particularly pious, I suggest you leave now. This is my day off.

If it's not pious you want, you'll be safe enough with him.

I hardly know the young lady.

So this is it, then? My escort for the day.

Here we go again.

If it's not old women, it's old men.

You should see some of the specimens I get.

I used to bury better.

You'll have to catch him, Barry.

He's legally your responsibility.

Lost him already. You've only had him five minutes.

Here they are. You're not allowed to restrain us. He's right.

Well, if you think you're so right, what you fighting him for?

You can't stop us from fighting.

You're absolutely right, sir.

May I say how impressed we're both becoming by your big mouth?

Has it been trained?

Or did you come by it naturally?

That's verbal abuse.

No. That were just the warm-up.

You can't touch us.

Touch you? Who wants to touch you?

Have you seen the state of you, rolling on the floor?

He started it. Liar!

Give it a rest.

I think it should be compulsory that people have to wash before they can be arrested.

Are we being arrested?

Unless you want option two.

What's option two?

It's brand new. You'll be among the first.

Bring them to the car.

Here we go.

Put these in your pockets.

Now, the rules are, they must remain with you at all times.

They're empty soft drink cans.

You're the sharp one, aren't you?

I wouldn't say he's all that sharp.

Of course, they look like soft drink cans.

Deliberately made that way by a caring authority

so that if people see you with them, they won't realise you've been tagged for drunk and disorderly.

Now, is that thoughtful or what?

How long do we have to...? Till the buzzer goes off.

When you finish your stretch, you'll hear the buzzer go off.

Until then, keep them with you at all times.

We will be monitoring.

Someone's going to call your bluff one of these days.

I have a strategy for that.

It's you. You're nicely built.

You should be able to handle yourself while I'm on the radio, getting backup.

I think we got off to a bad start. I think that sums it up.

Start not getting any better.

Pull up just past him.

We'll try the softly, softly bit.

You could have had him there. Why didn't you stop him?

You can't physically restrain a vicar.

I think we might have to.

I'd sooner tussle with him than my Aunt Jessie.

Drive round, Barry. We'll catch him at the other end.

Is it allowed to catch vicars at the other end?

Do you know what mental health is?

It's listening to a black bird.

Wife's got relatives in Leighton Buzzard.

We've never been.

Chewing a blade of grass is therapeutic.

We're going next weekend.

Of course, it means you ingest a percentage of insect manure.

What's the idea?

This is called showing a police presence. You go nice and slow.

You think you're on to something. It brings a sense of comfort.

They find it reassuring.

I'm getting cramp.

I get that.

Never in t'mouth, I notice.

Nice and slow. Not too slow, else one of the brassier ones

will seize the opportunity of coming at you with a boring complaint.

There's one now...

..unless he's selling a pointed hat.

Tell him we're not the police. Tell him we're ticket inspectors.

They shoved him in a car. The vicar. I saw it, he didn't want to go.

At least four of them. They went that way.

Oh, I'm glad I caught you.

We were just thinking the same.

Can you slow down?

What exactly did you see?

A kidnap. Get after them. They just kidnapped a vicar.

They went that way. I've got the number.

CAR ENGINE

That's them.

Foxtrot, Control.

There we go, Vicar. Mind your head.

I minded being dragged out here when I could have been back in my room with a good book.

Hey.

You take him. We'll watch the car.

I can watch cars.

Barry needs you.

We were told you liked a day out.

Did anyone ask? No.

It's taken for granted that I'm available to be snatched away at anyone's whim.

I suppose we're here for the scenery.

Ye gods, more scenery!

He was right. It's the vicar.

Why would anybody want to kidnap a vicar?

Maybe it's the atheists.

They're very stroppy these days.

Splendid view, Vicar.

So I'm led to believe.

People come from miles.

As do the sheep.

Of course, it's not always attractive.

In winter, people have died of exposure.

One knows how they feel.

Makes a person think, I always think. A nice view.

Is that what you think?

Always makes me think of what lies beyond.

Manchester, I shouldn't wonder.

What an imposition. Bringing me all this way out here...

What's he saying?

Maybe he's praying.

It didn't sound like praying.

We ought to respect his privacy.

They've left him alone.

Where's he going? It's a sheer drop.

You don't think...

We need to grab him, don't we?

While he's alone.

We'd better keep him quiet...

else he'll hear us.

He's a bit prickly for a vicar.

He's a bit prickly for a sinner.

You should cheer him up, Barry. Ask him about his favourite funerals.

I'm not going too near him.

You saw what he did to his hat.

I'll cheer him up when he's finished.

I'm good with people.

You can't take HIM in the bushes.

Where are you going to take him, then?

I was hoping you might have a suggestion.

We're just here for ride.

Non-executive function.

They just hand him over to you.

You'd think there'd be a list of instructions.

Hadn't you better be getting back to him?

We thought we'd give him a few moments of privacy.

I expect he wants to say a prayer.

For you, probably. He must have heard the rumours.

Here, Howard, suppose the prayer works

and you lose all interest in misbehaviour.

But wouldn't it start with just a small reduction, first?

Keep him quiet. I'm trying to keep him quiet.

He's going to be bellowing, isn't he, the minute you let go of his mouth?

Sorry, Vicar, it's for your own good.

I bet he gave really long sermons.

Quick. What about the gang?

We can't do it all. They're setting up road blocks.

The helicopter's out.

We did good, didn't we?

We did good.

MUFFLED MOANING I'm a perfectly respectable...

Not sure he thinks so.

MUSIC: "Z CARS" THEME

He's gone again. In broad daylight?

You think I'M good at disappearing? How can he have gone?

He's just gone.

Completely, as in not there?

Exactly as in not there. Just disappeared.

Did you look everywhere? Everywhere.

Except...

I hate looking for fallen vicars.

Fall, or did he jump? Don't say that.

He wasn't in that bad a mood. Close.

Can you see him? You can't tell. There's too much cover down there.

I expect he's lying there in agony.

Oh, thank you for that(!)

We'd better go and look for him.

They'll blame me. I'm going to go through life as "That's him who lost the vicar".

You can't give up hope. He might only be seriously mangled.

You put the reverend gentleman in the boot?

For his own safety.

Go on. Tell the Chief Superintendent you were kidnapped.

It's perfectly true. I was. I was.

Kidnapped. By these two idiots.

I can explain... Shut it, Cooper. I've heard your explanations before.

Life's not long enough.

It were all perfectly... Enough. Just answer me this.

Is this why we've got the helicopter out and road blocks every which way?

Well, he's not there, thank goodness.

There's a lot of cover down there.

It's very secluded.

Well, when you bring Marina, keep an eye out for the vicar.

I've no idea what you mean.

He's not there. We've looked everywhere.

Maybe the vicar's gone straight to heaven.

CAR HORN TOOTS

Vicar. What happened to you?

You're not going to believe this. Trust me, I'm going to believe it.

I couldn't persuade you to come for a quiet drink, could I?

You know, I really think you might.

I must say, this has been one of the more interesting days out.

That's the last time we do things by the book.

We forgot the mustard.

We didn't forget the mustard.

From now on... Are you listening to this?

I'm listening.

No more by the book. You've seen what happens when we go by the book.

In future, we go by my rules -

Cooper's Rules, OK?

Survival policing for a time of low behaviour.

You don't think the vicar would have nicked the mustard?

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