Original subtitles

OK. Now what?

Keep your eyes on your float.

Watch float.

In case it moves.

How long watch float? All the time. You never take your eyes off it.

What are procedures in case of over-excitement?

All these things that eat grass.

Why aren't they green?

You eat Old English Humbugs, why aren't you sticky and striped?

I thought he was sticky and striped.

No, that's just his moustache.

I thought that life would be strawberries and cream

but it's really very baked beans.

You've had your share of cream.

For a brief giddy period, but it doesn't last.

Brief? You've only just retired.

I know but you have to wait for the right occasion.

Like your first hip replacement.

You should have had them both done.

Mind you, knowing you, you'd get into trouble with only one good hip.

Oh, will you stop cheering me up, I'll never get used to baked beans.

There's worse. With Howard, it's black pudding.

I keep telling him, "They're lumps of blood, Howard."

I'm living with a midget from Transylvania.

Mawnin' ladies.

Fahn looking day. Ignore him. He's been reading cowboy books again.

Reckon I'll just mosey me along and say howdy to mah neighbour.

The Black Pudding Pistolero.

I dread him reading The Godfather.

He'll start wanting linguini with his black pudding.

What are you doing playing with a kite at your age?

I've got a perfectly good reason.

My train set's come off the rails.

It's you that's off the rails.

Hey! Keep away. I've got no time for flirting with old widows.

You'll just have to wait till my standards get lower.

They'll be low enough in a minute if I flatten you.

Have you been like this all your life? Have you never had a flirtation?

No I haven't, and I don't suppose you've had many if you're still playing with a kite? Playing?

I shall use this craft, missis, to explore the principal of flight...

to study the wind and weather.

You're all wind.

You don't fool me, you're just playing with a kite.

You'll soon be living, lass, next door to the best little kite maker in the country.

I'd sooner be living next door to an empty house.

You can't fool me, kid.

I know where I'm wanted.

Go and play with your kite!

Yes, they used to live in Denby Street.

Number 14 Denby Street.

They had a daughter. In fact, they had three daughters.

Three daughters? Mmm.

But the one you'll be interested in...

Hetty.

Not short for anything.

Her name was Hetty.

No, I don't know any Hetty.

You're joking.

I'm not joking.

I never knew a Hetty.

Then allow me to introduce you, Howard,

to your mother.

My mother's name was Elsie.

You mean you didn't know? Whoops!

Sit down, Howard, sit down.

You'd better have a cup of tea.

Anyway, I'll see you later, love.

What happened to the Black Pudding Kid?

I think his horse just died.

Hey, Clint!

What happened to you?

I'm an orphan.

They left me on a doorstep.

Oh, Mr Entwistle.

With whom I've had the privilege of changing a wheel. Always a pleasure.

Been fishing. So exciting.

Read maintenance manual.

Returning book. Already?

There's really no need so soon.

Have you had time to absorb everything?

Now this section on the clutch and braking system looks jolly interesting. Have read book.

Good heavens! What a grasp for detail you must have.

If you came across any difficulties we could study them together.

I always think two minds are better than one alone, don't you?

Must go. Reconditioned Washing Machine World waits for no man.

Well, if ever you should need more help on any problem on your truck,

Mr Entwistle, do call on me again. Truck fine.

Well, I hope you'll think of me if you start losing oil pressure.

Hey up, Howard!

Morning, Howard. Good day to you, sir.

I wonder who switched Howard off. Well, the man's clearly dead.

Then why doesn't he fall down?

Well, maybe he's perfectly balanced and dead.

Being dead is not my idea of being perfectly balanced.

He never was well-balanced when he was alive.

Maybe Pearl's had him stuffed. Well, you would, wouldn't you?

He's not in.

He's been like that since Cleggy told him.

He's an orphan.

It's not funny.

Being abandoned on a doorstep.

Now. Next question.

Can you have it delivered to the village hall?

By this afternoon?

Can I have it delivered to the village hall?

My Express Team will wing it there before you can say "yes, we'll pay for delivery."

What kept you?

He trod on me.

He gets under your feet.

Is this it - your Express Team?

The flying feet of these two can do express deliveries in their sleep.

In fact I think he does everything in his sleep.

He wakes up at meal times. He eats like a donkey.

You work here, she treats you like a donkey.

What a wicked exaggeration in front of customers.

Put his nosebag on and shut him up.

He doesn't look like he over-eats.

How does he stay so slim?

She pays starvation wages.

I'm not paying as much as that. You'll get the usual and that's it!

Go on. Off, off, off.

How long's he gonna stand there?

I am waiting...

for the exact moment...when the universe is in perfect balance...

when every circumstance is right... to launch this thing of beauty.

Translation -

I daren't launch this thing I don't think it's going to fly.

Not to worry. He gives good value in the way of entertainment.

We shouldn't laugh, really. But let's anyway.

We are one with the wind and sky,

the kite and I. Get on with it.

I have to be ready spiritually.

These occasions demand a certain ceremony and style.

You're depressing Billy here.

He fears a reduction in his drinking time.

Won't do. Can't allow it. Get thee clog down, Alvin.

World,

I have built this graceful thing.

I, me, Alvin -

Master of the Airy Arts.

Of the what?

I think he said "airy arts."

Here we come, world. First flight.

You spirits of the air do not...

I repeat do not...put your boot through these endeavours.

Aaaagh!

I think he's just fallen on his airy arts.

He doesn't look all that odd. That's what I keep telling her.

I didn't say odd. What is it, then?

There's just a hint of something that lets you understand why his mother left him on a doorstep.

I bet she loved me, though. I bet it broke her heart.

I bet she picked a good doorstep.

Oh, I'd never leave him on a doorstep

but how can the library service be of assistance?

Well, I was wondering if you'd got "Teach Yourself Orphan"

or "The Idiot's Guide to Being an Orphan"?

I think the last one was the most suitable, don't you?

And is there a list of how many great men started off as an orphan?

No, no. The act needs more variety.

With your left hands couldn't you be juggling three plates?

Oh, Lord!

He has made this graceful thing.

I just wish he'd made it so it could fly.

According to my calculations, it should fly.

And according to my calculations thou's a twillup.

Who says twillups can't fly?

OK, then, two plates.

Would you have loved me just the same if I'd been an orphan, Barry?

Probably sooner.

Your mother was always there.

She liked you really. She'd have liked me better in Australia.

As long as I promised not to write.

It's just that she thought I ought to wait a bit longer to get married.

I know. She passed this little note to the best man to give me as I'm walking into church.

Don't lie, Barry.

And when it gets to that bit where the vicar says "Does anybody know of any just impediment..."

I'm praying, "Sit down, Mrs Pegden. Don't lose your seat."

She got used to you. You can get used to a bad leg.

My favourite bad leg.

Pack it in! She's probably still watching.

Here.

Maybe the air's not for you, Alvin.

Maybe you should build a submarine.

Right, you spirits of the air.

You get one more chance. Stop prawning about.

They're probably too busy laughing. Are we ready?

I am Alvin. He's always ready.

Stand back.

We're going for Mach One.

There's something humbling about being in the presence two such dedicated tulips.

Woo hoo!

Ha ha ha! Yippee!

And don't be hanging about.

They're waiting for it at the church hall.

Hanging about? You say that to me and my assistant here. Fast Freddy.

It takes me all my time to keep him below the legal limit.

He looks well below to me.

How fast can you go with one of these? Have you tried?

Have you no ambition? Have you never thought of having a shot at the handcart record?

You've got the opportunity here to become quickly forgotten.

We are forgotten. We're just cogs in the wheel of the secondhand trade.

Antiques and Bygones if you don't mind. If you're going to be a cog have a bit of pride in it.

You're right about forgotten.

I forget how many times I've been forgotten.

Has everybody got the hump today?

Don't they realise the recommended treatment is a spot of impulse buying?

Who have I got that cares, since the budgie died?

Hey, Alvin!

Now we've done kiting can we go for a drink? Done?

We've only just started.

That's not called starting, Alvin. That's called starting badly.

Well, that's how things go.

Life is a challenge.

We have to overcome.

Can we do a quick overcome and then go for a drink?

I am Alvin. Watch this space!

Yeah. Watch my mouth - let's go for a drink.

Think of it as back to the drawing board.

You can plan your next accident.

What about me bicycle?

It'll be all right over the wall.

Who's going to see it over the wall?

Ah, Entwistle!

How would you like to earn a place in kiting circles?

How would you like to buy washing machine?

We can discuss that later. Refreshments first. You can give us a lift.

One moment while we carefully park our bicycles.

Do you believe in life after death?

Only for inspectors and upwards.

I'm trying to have a serious conversation here.

In future, could you give me a warning?

Are you suggesting I'm a stranger to serious conversations?

The only time I ever see you serious is when you're thinking about what's for lunch.

Rubbish.

We had that yesterday.

I'm surprised, and not a little disappointed, that you haven't recognised

the intellectual level of the partner that backs you up in all emergencies.

At that last one, you fainted.

I like to think of it as coming out in sympathy.

This is what I'm trying to communicate to you.

My level of sensitivity.

You laughed at that old bloke wit' funny nose.

Only his nose. I didn't laugh at rest of him.

Close your eyes.

What for?

I'm conducting an experiment.

Close your eyes.

I want no distractions. I want you to think hard about this question.

What do you think happens when we die?

You'll never know. You'll have fainted.

Think! Concentrate, man.

Shall we or shall we not experience anything further?

Such as what? I don't know.

Use your imagination.

Harps. Heavenly bells.

Tinkling music.

SWIRLING HARP MUSIC PLAYS

SHE RINGS BIKE BELL

Why are you wearing your funeral suit, Howard?

I think I might always wear black.

If you'd told me, I'd have changed.

Don't change. Don't ever change.

I need some things to stay as they are.

Oh, Howard, you'll have to face it.

I shan't always be this young thing.

You think you've got a mother and then...

A mother?

I may have got a bit windswept coming here, but really!

I'm an orphan.

I was adopted.

They left me on the doorstep.

Didn't even ring the bell.

You're a muffin, Howard.

Why? Because if it's sympathy you're looking for,

you should have realised that blonde hairs will show up on your funeral suit.

How come you lot ride and I get to gallop with the kite?

Look at the legs on you.

You were built for the gallop. Faster, Entwistle.

Is Billy all right?

Billy has unexpected turns of speed.

Faster. I'd hate to be the cause of him dislocating anything.

He's got legs like a camel.

He can go for days.

They say they've got some very nasty habits.

That's him. That's Billy.

He's moving like a two year old.

He'll be overtaking in a minute, Entwistle. Chop, chop. Does he look comfortable?

If you start going too fast, all he has to do is let go of the kite.

Hey up!

Slow down.

Thou's stretching me elastic!

Hey, look...waving. The man's enjoying it.

Well, wave back. Don't let him start feeling neglected.

Going well, Billy.

I don't know about well.

I know I'm going like hell.

Slow down, will ya? Slow down.

Slower! What's Billy saying?

He says you're going too slow.

What a mover.

I wonder if there's any race we could enter him in.

He's still waving. Aaaah!

He's getting a right old kick out of this.

Thank you, love.

What did you ladies do in your day to share the same interests as your husbands?

Same interests as them?

How can anybody normal have the same interests as them?

You can't cross the Great Divide, love.

We work...they play. Nature built it like that.

Didn't you ever want to share their interests?

Not before marriage in our day.

And not so damned much after either.

We sometimes go shopping together.

He doesn't like me alone with his wallet.

You hear about them having all kinds of hobbies,

but I must say I never met with any pressure to take up stamp collecting.

I had a customer who built a model of Atkinson's Bakery entirely in matchsticks.

I bet he was a lot of help round the house.

Why Atkinson's Bakery?

I never found out.

He'd be in love with it. With Atkinson's Bakery?

Yes. They do. They fall in love with railway engines...

old buses...trams. Anything.

How can you share interests like that?

How can you even occupy the same planet as someone who's going to fall in love with Atkinson's Bakery?

Not even the bread.

Just the building.

I think we should try to find similar interests. It's bonding.

Ooh, there's quicker ways than that!

Bonding? That's all right for repairing furniture.

Could you seriously ever be tempted to play with his train set?

Did yours have a railway cap?

Mine used to have a railway cap.

And a whistle.

The night we got back from honeymoon,

I'm wondering whether I ought to go back to plain, no-nonsense nighties

when I heard his whistle sending the 9.40 off to Euston.

I thought, "Yes, girl - goodbye romance, hello housework!

But surely you can find a mutual interest.

I'm going to start taking an interest in motor maintenance.

He'll not thank you if his tea's not ready. No.

They're not good at tea not ready.

You know, I knew I was in trouble when me underpants started smoking.

Billy's underpants carry a health warning. Not many people know that.

We were impressed. Entwistle thought you were going to pass him.

I couldn't believe the speedometer.

Something kept flashing before my eyes...

it were my legs.

We thought you were showing off.

We thought you were within inches of taking off.

We were just hoping you'd take the kite with you.

You were just a blur in the rear view mirror.

Story of my life. Ask the missis.

I hear Barry's missis wants to go to Spain.

How come my missis never wants to go to Spain?

The former Mrs Truelove was passionate about Clacton.

It wasn't her only eccentricity. Don't think so for a minute.

I fancy a go at Mount Everest.

It's been done.

On a bicycle?

Right, who's getting them in?

Not for me, I'm driving.

What a terrible impediment it is this driving. Is there no cure?

Three pints, love.

I haven't done this for a while.

And it shows.

What are you...the expert?

Not at walking on 'em...

vaulting.

We used to take a run and vault 'em one-handed. Who's we?

Me an' t'Chief Inspector... who else? Kids.

When we were kids, you barmpot.

No. It wasn't kids with me.

It was when we were courting.

It's an old courting custom round here.

You walk a stone wall blindfolded

and if you fall off she has to comfort you.

Did it work?

I don't know. Fell on me head.

Couldn't remember a thing.

She swore that she comforted me so well that if I was any kind of gentleman we'd have got married.

You do tell me some flannel, you.

Think of it as practising for the witness box.

Well, are we gonna see this vaulting then?

CRASH!

Can you believe some silly prat leaves his bicycle down here?

Poor old Howard.

I thought he knew I'd be pulling his leg.

I didn't want him to go all melancholy.

You need ancient solution between Bridlington and Hull.

Hello, Barry. Hello, love.

What are you doing? It's togetherness, Barry.

I thought we'd both start taking an interest in the car. Oh, great!

That's great! That's so great!

Oh, Barry I haven't quite... ooh Barry but I'd like to finish.

Well, I don't know what else a lady can do to revive your interest, Howard.

Oh, Marina!

Oh, Howard.

Fancy telling people they were adopted.

You should have known that I was joking.

People couldn't afford to adopt.

They had to do it by instalments.

They only got as far as adopting one of your legs and then the war broke out.

You're pulling my leg again.

Which leg?

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