Original subtitles

What are you doing?!

Just testing! I know you're a bit wet, but do you need a drainpipe?

Periscope! Auntie's selling them. What do you want one of them for?!

I didn't go in for one. I went in for a roll of lino.

Lino lacks entertainment appeal. These are more interesting!

As long as you don't stare at me through it! Just testing!

Don't read anything into it. You're lacking in entertainment appeal. Never felt like acting on impulse?

Next question?!

You have to admire him in some ways. He made a career out of an ingrowing toenail.

He played it so skilfully, he ended up with a disability pension.

It's funny the stuff that grows on the human body.

I've often thought that nails were weird. Especially toenails.

You can see that basically, we all come from the same kind of animal.

When you look closely, beetles are made out of toenails.

Well, the hard bits, that is.

Oh, the Death Watch Toenail. I like it!

They have the hard shell like a toenail. Same material.

You think we're related to beetles?

We're related to beetles.

We're related to every other creature. We have to be!

We all came from that one first creature. That was just a blob of jelly. Didn't have any toenails.

Ah, but it does now. It's got very inventive with toenails.

There are crab shells, snails. When you come to think about it,

horses' hooves are basically toenails. Chicken's claws, beaks -

they're all basically toenails.

We're just one big family.

Mine's too big since the wife's sister came. She regards me with the affection of an ingrowing toenail.

Good, eh? Auntie's selling them. I was wondering if you could look after it for me, Cleggy.

Sorry, Howard, I'm not qualified.

I failed periscope. Why do you want Clegg to look after it? It's house-trained.

Take it home! I can't be found in the house with something like this!

It's what tha keeps being found OUTSIDE the house with tha should be worried about! That's idle gossip.

I wouldn't call it idle. In your case, it gets quite busy.

It's so unfair. Suspicion falls even on your periscope.

Pearl will assume I'm using it for the wrong purposes. There is an alternative to involving Clegg.

More! More! It's best to be frank and open about things.

Sneak it in. Pearl can spot a sneak at 20 yards.

Not if you do it properly. Trust me. I was in the Vice Squad.

You had to be sneaky...if only to avoid the offers of marriage.

Where am I going to hide this?

Shove it down your trousers.

I used to keep a truncheon down mine. You get used to these things.

It's slipping! Come here.

Go on. Tell me, then.

Tell me what you're doing.

I'm dying to hear what you consider a reasonable explanation for this!

We were trying to establish why he's got a limp. Not bad.

For starters, that's not bad.

It's agony. It came on quite sudden. And have you found out why he's got a limp?

Ingrowing toenail.

That's it. Ingrowing toenail!

It's agony!

Argh! Oh! Argh! Argh!

ARGH-H-H!

He'll be with you in a minute, Wendell.

Barry, Wendell's waiting in the car.

Why do I have to take him for a drive? Be friendly, Barry.

You liked him on holiday. You do! You get on with people on holiday!

You invited him to keep in touch. Well, you do. You don't expect any idiot to actually do it!

Oh, Barry. He needs cheering up. His wife's left him.

Well, I just wish she hadn't left him to me.

CAR HORN HONKS

I only wanted a bit for under the sink. Now you can do the entire kitchen and have plenty left!

The benefits of forward planning! I can see the benefit for you. You're looking thoughtful, lad. I am.

You think you've spent too much, don't you? I do.

Well, you'll be relieved to hear you've got free delivery. I'm giving you free delivery.

It's not just the weight. It's dangerous, hard, unyielding... and her lino's not much better!

It's not like carpet. It doesn't bend. Well, I'm so sorry I forgot to hinge it in the middle(!)

You'll never regret it. You'll get 50 years of wear out of that. Supposing I don't live 50 years?

Well, in that case, you get a refund.

Sounds fair.

I can feel the atmosphere already.

Can you feel it? No.

No?

It's all around you, lad! This is a haunted place, full of history.

It speaks to me.

Ask it if there's anywhere we can sit down.

Have you never been warned about talking to strangers? You're not trying, are you? Like the missus -

she shoots me down every time I show a poetic side. She didn't like you showing it to Mrs Singleton.

I only helped her move a wardrobe!

You wouldn't believe the interpretations your missus can derive from that!

Like it was the fast track to damnation. You feel people nudging each other and whispering.

"That's him, look.

"Moved Mrs Singleton's wardrobe."

On three separate occasions.

She kept changing her mind!

She wasn't happy with it too near the window. Any road, my illustrious ancestor used to come here.

And that's what brings me here. I'll show you.

What about that, then?

"RH".

Rita Hayworth?!

Billy, you just missed moving her wardrobe.

It's Robin Hood.

Have you any reason for believing that, apart from insanity?

I can feel it. You think Robin Hood carved his initials on this tree?

I told thee.

It's haunted. It's a special place.

Something led me to this tree.

Funny things happen round here.

FAINT PIPE MUSIC He's getting to me now. I can hear something!

There's bound to be a simple explanation. There is!

It's fairies!

I telled thee this place was different. There'll be no human agency behind that noise.

That's pure fairy, is that!

It does sound unusual.

Don't you start! Maybe it's trying to tell us something.

Such as what? Those really are the initials of Robin Hood.

Give over! It's coming from over there.

He goes marching in! It could be anything!

After you, then!

Oi!

It's in here.

Hello, you in there! Who are you?

On the other hand, don't feel obliged to answer if you're not a human being.

Oh, well, yeah...close enough.

I was hoping there'd be nobody around. Me, too.

Who's playing the music? It's Wendell. I met him on holiday.

He seemed all right on holiday. I didn't know about his penny whistle.

What's he doing with it? He says he can charm the birds.

Billy does it by moving wardrobes. He's talking feathered variety.

He says they come down from the trees and settle on his cap.

Remind me never to borrow his cap.

Has he always done this penny whistle bit? I think he's taken it up since his wife left him.

That's one bird he didn't charm.

Wendell, can you come here a minute?

A little robin was just about to come when you shouted.

Tha'll never charm owt with this.

You want summat with a bit more power. Dear...!

Right, let's have him.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Put the siren on. If we can't catch him, we might frighten him.

SIREN MOANS

SIREN STOPS Turn it off.

I've got a mobile phone louder than that.

Maybe we could scare him with a mobile phone.

You should have checked it before we came out. Why didn't you check it?

Because...I was preparing myself psychologically for the emergencies

we might be called to confront in the course of our daily duties. You were wolfing a bacon butty.

And without mustard.

There was no mustard. This police force is losing it.

It's a bit warm, Howard, for, basically, a cool person.

It's only till we get through town.

I've been working for some time on the question of how we could walk inconspicuously through town.

So inconspicuously that people are looking at us, Howard.

Yes, but that's the diabolical cunning.

They're looking at two hippies, they're not looking at us.

You're so tricky, it's scary.

I wonder if a girl is safe in the hands of this monster.

Don't answer straight away.

Take your time and think about it.

You see? You see who it was on that handcart?

They didn't recognise us. Are you sure? But they were busy,

they weren't looking. Positive!

We'll wait here and let them pass us again.

Too late, Howard.

Good Lord, a bus trip.

I've started getting the overflow from Meadowhall.

This lad would like an upgrade on a penny whistle. What have you got?

It's got to sound sweet. I always think the sweetest sound

is the opening of my till, but we do have other musical instruments. As long as it's sweet.

He charms the birds.

He's not doing much for me. He wasn't doing much for his wife either.

She left him for a Turkish waiter.

You told 'em!

People require a reason when they see somebody trying to charm birds.

Wouldn't he be better off with something that could charm people away from Turkish waiters?

Apart from that, Wendell, did you enjoy your holiday in Turkey?

Came back with lots of holiday snaps, did you? If nothing else.

At least you'll remember what she looked like.

That's no good... not for charming birds.

Are you sure your judgement's reliable? Your wife's left you.

I wish you hadn't told her.

Tha'll be all right. Auntie knows how to keep a confidence.

PHONE RINGS

Auntie Wainwright's.

No, I can't right now. I'm busy with this bloke whose wife ran off with a Turkish waiter.

I'm going to get us a pull up to the top of the hill.

It'll be better than being stuck down here. It's a nicer view.

We're not going for the view.

We'll roll the car downhill and start her, and then motor round and get some life back in the battery.

Why are you looking at me like that? I'm not coming if you're driving fast.

I don't like driving fast. If we're in hot pursuit, what will you do?

What can you do with both eyes shut?

If it's about that shunt the other day, he was a lunatic.

I crept along through this built-up area at a steady 29 miles an hour...

making use of mirror and signals... We need a pull to the top of the hill.

Because some fool forgot to check the battery. Which is flat, because we have to drive so slow

in case some muffin gets car sick.

I tow you to the top of the hill, and that's it? I'm free to go?

Of course. Naturally.

No "blow into this", or "can we see your log book?" Free and clear. It's our seasonal offer.

I accept.

HE PLAYS A SWEET MELODY

What's he going to do with these birds when he's charmed them?

I'm not sure. We've never got that far.

Wendell, what are you going to do with these birds when you get them? Start a relationship with them.

We're going to become good friends. Oh, they'll be able to exchange Christmas cards. Airmail.

Oh, don't be rotten, you two. No, I expect he's going to hand-pick a few and train them.

What for? For dropping something on the head of some Turkish waiter.

Come on, Wendell, give it a bit more lung power!

He's not attracting anything. I wouldn't say that...

Well, it may not be Turner, but it's not so bad they had to send for the police!

It's good.

And he knows. He's famous throughout the division for his artistic tendencies.

You blow-dry your hair just once...

I think the lady has an instinctive feeling for composition.

Oh, it's nice to be appreciated!

You're very sympathetic, Mr Entwistle!

Oh...!

I think it's terrific. You're very kind.

I think it has great tonal quality.

Oh, thank you!

Of course, I work to forget.

It doesn't always wo-o-ork!

You can put your stuff and your bike in his truck. He'll give you a lift home. Not if she keeps squawkin'!

Don't you know any funny stories?

I know the one about two policemen whose car wouldn't start.

He means other than that.

Is there no-one out there beyond those hills, who would be faithful,

reliable,

fairly good-looking... with his own home and transport?

WENDELL: How high? How high do birds go?

Use your judgement. Don't go too high! We'll not get the flute up.

How can I play a flute and still hold on? Good question, Wendell.

Don't get him injured, he'll never go home.

Wedge yourself firmly in a fork.

You'll be all right, our ancestors lived up there. Not with a flute!

Just be glad tha's not a pianist! Flute coming up, Wendell.

I'm not sure about this. That's life, Wendell.

We can never really be sure about anything. It makes sense, Wendell.

No wonder birds won't come to you when you're on the ground. You've a much better chance in the tree.

Birds expect their friends to be up trees. Now come along, then, give us some bird-charming.

It's not easy when you're holding on! Get theeself propped securely and give it some welly!

I wonder if the Turkish waiter has a friend that could be interested in Wendell. Come on, Wendell,

give us the bird noises.

FLUTE PLAYS He's in the same key as the wife's sister.

He shows no signs of going home. And you think you're covered by your insurance!

I think he wants to live with the birds. Maybe you could build him a nest. First cat would have him.

ARGH!

Don't scrape it! You can get fed up with holding lino. How do you think I feel?

I shouldn't be doing this. I should be doing male-modelling. Male?

Don't bend it, it'll crack. A bit further left. Nearly there...

Can you bring it round a bit...? Oh, it's no good.

Oh, it won't go. We'll have to take it through the window. You'll never get it through that window.

Not that window, me bedroom window. I'll get a ladder.

Ooh, Barry, what happened? Wendell fell out of a tree.

They do. They fall out of trees.

In the chair, here we are.

What was he doing up a tree?

Playing a flute.

Should have known.

He was fine till he hit the ground!

For a minute, we thought he'd crushed his flute.

You're sure YOU'RE not hurt, Barry?

I'm fine. HE fell out the tree.

As long as you're all right.

Poor Wendell.

I don't want you to take him up any more trees. He's just had a holiday. He's had enough excitement.

Took his mind off Turkey! Four teas, Ivy. One extra strong.

His last words were... ARGH!

What was he really doing up a tree? Oh, don't ask. It'll make no more sense than the first time.

Making bird noises. Told you.

He never made bird noises when we were on holiday. They don't. They keep quiet about things like that

until you've exchanged names and addresses. Good to know I'm not the only one living with a crackpot.

Why was he making bird noises?!

I'm going to charm the birds. They're going to settle on me cap.

I think it's what's under the cap he should be worried about.

It's a good cap!

It broke his fall.

One, two, three, heave!

Nearly! Almost there. Heave!

Nearly there! Bit more.

That's it... Watch it... OOH!

What are you doing?! Hurry up. The blood's rushing to me head.

There'll be ample room for it.

Why don't we push him back up again? Forget it.

I'm coming down.

There's a lower window round the back. We'll try that one!

This is more like it, Wendell. You'll have birds on thee cap in no time.

There's a few corners in that to get the wind round. I want it back in good condition. Any scratches,

and you'll lose your deposit. How big a deposit? �20. That's not very musical.

Teach him to put a kink in a flute. Is he qualified on the French horn?

All he has to remember is they drive on the right.

It's worth it if it does the trick.

I'm not doing it up a tree again.

I'm going to be "Wendell of the Birds" - but it's going to be on foot.

He was Italian. I might have known. They're very musical to the ear. I was in love with the accent.

I feel the same about Geordies. I can't understand them, but I love the accent.

That was another thing he deceived me with. I discovered he was born in Wakefield. That's nearly Italian.

They're emotional about their Jack Russells. Like me old man always said, never trust a foreigner.

When I'm famous as "Wendell of the Birds", I bet the wife'll come back.

You'd be better off at home, then, just in case. Would you take her back, then, Wendell? No way.

Nobody makes a muffin out of "Wendell of the Birds". You could be missing out on some new recipes.

Come on, then, Wendell - give it a blast.

PITIFUL PARPING Tha'll never be famous that way.

Nobody makes a MUSICIAN out of "Wendell of the Birds"!

Tha's not blowing right, Wendell.

No wonder tha missus went looking for a bigger chest. Cheer him up, why don't you(?)

It wasn't that big. And he's in for a shock when she starts knocking him about.

What tha needs is a Robin Hood kind of horn.

I never knew that! Robin Hood played the French horn.

He used to do weddings and masonic nights. I see...

Outlawing was just a day job.

DISTANT FRENCH HORN PLAYS

Vehicle coming. We'd better warn 'em we're here in case it's some mad chuff.

Not only mad, but invisible.

HIGH-PITCHED WAILING Listen. Something's coming! If it's a bird, it's a big one!

SIREN WAILS ERRATICALLY

Billy's charmed a police car out of the tree!

I think it's in pain.

It's simple. We either tell the truth, or we lie.

We're better at lying. Right then...

At great personal risk,

we'd just rescued this little child who had fallen down a manhole...

..and seen her safely back to the arms of her frantic mother.

When we were overcome by fumes!

I can still taste it! SIREN WAILS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Barry gave us a jump start. Can we give you boys a lift?

GLASS SMASHES What's this?!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0