Original subtitles

How long have you had a twitch? It's terrific! A mean twitch! There must be some underlying cause,

such as guilt, or depression!

Barry, I've made you so miserable, you've been unfaithful to me!

Never! You're looking at the world's most faithful twitch! How long have you had it?

Since they gave me the part. It's terrific. The stone-faced killer - a real psycho!

Barry, you shouldn't be a psycho!

You should be someone who mends broken toys for sick children,

or rescues old ladies!

I wouldn't have let you join that drama group if I'd known they'd make you a psycho! It's a terrific part!

It's the best part! I love it.

He had a tenth share in a racehorse. And a third share in a Mrs Wilkinson.

Actually, she turned out to be better than the racehorse. From all accounts, she was nearly as fast.

Ey up. This'd look all right on your watch chain.

Oh, dear. They're not allowed to burn 'em any more,

and it costs money to take them to a tip, so they just dump 'em.

That happened to Mrs Wilkinson. No, it's what happened to the racehorse! He kept Mrs Wilkinson.

Well, she was cheaper to feed, and she didn't need so much exercise

He's not usually late.

He's not usually much good when he's here, but he's not usually late.

Give him a break. I finally fixed him up with this woman. Maybe he's lost his sense of timing, a bit.

He's lost more than that. He's lost half an hour's wages, for a start.

Come on. You know how long he's been looking for a companion! He can't keep them. They all leave him.

Even his cat. He still misses that cat. You can't blame it for leaving.

It was beginning to look more depressed than he does. Well, he can cheer up now I've found him someone.

How did you manage that? If you can sell Smiler to somebody, how come you can't shift more of my old stock?

It wasn't easy until I realised...

where we'd been going wrong was, he was looking for someone attractive.

Do you think this bundle of clothing could be him?

What's he hiding his face for? I mean, who wouldn't? But he generally doesn't.

This doesn't look like cloud nine to me. This looks more like drizzle.

He can't have ruined it already?! He can find his own, next time! The work I had to put in on Bessie!

Bessie? Where?

Eh, calm yourself, lad! Even your nerves are a bundle of nerves!

You're late.

Got anything you want delivering long distance? Australia, maybe?

I've just found Bessie for you. What are you running from? Bessie!

Well, there's gratitude for you! Get rid of her! Send her back. Slow down! Don't tell him that.

I spend hours trying to keep him moving. Moving. That sounds like a good idea.

How come you want to get rid of her? You've only had her five minutes.

You'll excuse me, I'm not one for asking personal questions,

but how come she's so firmly attached to you?

I mean, it's not as if you're likely to stimulate an urge to cuddle you.

Him! He told her I've got money!

Well, I had to tell her something.

What else could I tell her about you to make you interesting? Well, you could have told her that I'm...

You see?

Are you sure about this?

No, not exactly. But I've always wondered if it could be done.

Of course it can. All it requires is a large tyre and an idiot.

Luckily, we had one with us.

"That's Billy Hardcastle," they'll say, "inventor of the tyre bobsleigh." If it goes too fast,

I shall just bail out. Throw myself sideways.

"That's Billy Hardcastle," they'll say, "famous for throwing himself sideways."

Besides, you're not going to let it go, are you? You're going to make sure it goes nice and slow.

Just try to remember which way is sideways, Billy!

May we take this opportunity to wish you happy landings, Billy? Why is he saying things like that?

I'm sorry, we don't talk to people who are upside down. I'm not upside down...

Oh! I tell a lie.

Hey, it's not bad, this. It's like being on a fairground ride.

I'm surprised others don't do it.

That sounds like famous last words to me. Nay, we've only just started! I'm just beginning to enjoy...!

Don't forget the "sideways", Billy!

Where's the brake?!

You can take that lot down, for a start!

What's all that clutter on the wall?

If you've put it out for the binmen, they're not here till tomorrow.

I'm listening fiercely here for sounds of noise from outer space. You were asleep.

I get this shake on the arm and there you are. I'm thinking, "Hello. They've come in person."

"I bid you welcome to the planet Earth." What are you listening for? For signs of life out there.

You don't imagine we're alone in the universe? You'd have to be tidier than this, if we were.

That is the most chilling idea I have ever heard. Alone in the universe?

No. You and me. You needn't worry! I'd sooner have an accident!

You say that, but every time I look up, there you are. Just come right out and admit you're attracted to me!

Listen, and hold your tongue.

You're inches away from a bad experience. The last time I was attracted to a man it was VE Night,

and I put that down to the general air of excitement. What kind of a prize are you?!

Just look at you! There you go! Emphasising what we have in common.

If anybody came from outer space, they'd take one look at you and bog off home again.

I don't mind you falling for me. A woman's love is a gift. I just wish yours was better wrapped.

Try me when you've done yourself up a bit. You'd like me to put something on for you? It'd be a start.

I make no promises, mind.

I'm just putting something on!

Take your time. I don't expect miracles overnight.

How about this?

Has he been drinking? Only of the rich possibilities of life.

Obviously a bit too rich for him.

I don't want him in here if he's going to be ill. I'm not going to be ill.

I won't have it in here.

One come in here once. He had a heart attack. That was before he got his bill.

Another one. I look more like a casualty ward than a cafe!

He's had a romantic set-back.

Me too. I got married.

Romance was optional in my day. You'd get married just as well without it.

They don't really marry these days. They just keep rehearsing for it.

Smiler looks like he's rehearsing for being buried. Another one left him?

No, this one's sticking!

What's wrong with her? She's threatening to be permanent! That's what's wrong! Yes, they do.

I went to this chapel tea once.

I wondered why this lady kept on smiling at me.

It turned out later she'd decided we were going to get married.

And she was right!

It's uncanny, really.

You spend your life trying to get him fixed up with a woman, and then, when it works, he's not satisfied.

It's not that I'm not satisfied! I'm terrified!

Hang on a minute. Let's get something cleared up. How come she's so attracted to you?

Yes, I was wondering about that!

It's him. He's told her I've got money!

Well, tell her you've got no money!

I've tried that. She thinks I'm just being modest.

If you want a witness, with what you spend in here, I can vouch for you.

I don't think you can avoid these things. Once you're chosen, that's it. We can get him out of it.

I mean, look at him. For getting rid of a woman, he's got every advantage.

I'll handle this. I used to be married to terrifying.

I still am. And it's got a sister.

Why don't you come and see for yourself? Where? Down at the allotments. It's where he met her.

They met at the allotments? I like it. Make a great musical.

She lent me some manure.

Better and better! It's just asking to be set to music!

I didn't even want any manure!

It's the thought that counts.

Especially if you're counting in manure. Well... Where are you going?

All this chat about manure, I have this urge to go and do a bit of gardening.

RADIO CRACKLE 'Where are we going?

'Don't stand there with your mouth open! Tell me where we're going.'

I was just going to change my library book. Over and out.

'Oh, the old library book ploy.

'Well, don't be long about it and leave that thing in your saddlebag!' Pfft! 'I heard that.'

We're only going to watch her walk past? I mean, we're not going out to talk to her, or anything? Relax.

We're just going to show her to these people here.

Here we go, Smiler. Here comes your love life now.

She doesn't look so bad. She looks quite attractive.

Not the little one. The one with the sack's Bessie.

I thought it was a man. You'd have no fear of burglars. I bet she's got a hefty punch.

We'll get you free, Smiler.

If she won't take a hint up front, we'll try a more subtle tactic.

I'm not good at subtle. You're too clumsy to be good at clumsy!

Nitty-gritty time, Smiler. What is tha' good at? Do I have to answer that right away?

Can I have time to think about it? Don't start thinking. You know it upsets you. Relax.

We're doing the thinking for you. What we do is dishearten her.

Make her believe she's too late. Let her see he's already got a girlfriend. But I haven't got a...

You borrow one.

Who? Marina.

Is she available? She does a great impression.

It's her day off! Where do you find Marina? Truly of the Yard keeps his eye on things.

In the bushes! Is there anyone there?

No!

Fancy saying no!

I was just helping this young lady find a lost earring. Again?

It's not through over-exertion. They say life's a struggle, but I'm still waiting.

Smiler needs to borrow Marina for a while, Howard. It's an emergency.

Oh, well, if it's an emergency...

Oh, I don't know that I like her being borrowed.

Not that she's any business of mine, of course. We're all free human beings. We make our own decisions.

RADIO: 'Come in, number 21... your time's up!' I'll have to go.

I ought to explain. I'm fairly new to all this romantic stuff.

I think that's understood. What are we supposed to do?

Let's keep an element of surprise!

You just go strolling hand-in-hand through the allotments, and make sure Bessie sees you. Hand in hand?

Really quite close, then!

You can do hand-in-hand.

I'll give it a try. Don't overload him. You've got to let Bessie see that you're really very good friends.

And I mean very good friends.

I think that's within my range.

What do we say? You don't have to say anything.

Just give Marina a cuddle as you go past Bessie. Oh, it gets worse!

I suppose under the circumstances, one could permit a cuddle.

You can do cuddle. As well as hand-in-hand?!

You can do it! You're going to have to, if you want to get rid of Bessie. I do. I really do!

Off you go, then. Take this borrowed woman and do your best!

I don't think I've ever been cuddled in the allotments!

Well, it's amazing what goes on in allotments. You think people are just growing veg.

But it turns out it's a hotbed of steaming passions. That'll teach him to borrow manure.

Here they are, back already.

OI! YOU!

Well, she wanted an element of surprise.

Are you sure you need a suit, Barry? You've got to look right, love. Looking right is half the battle.

We actors have to feel right. It's important. You look in a buying mood. I call that feeling right.

What have you got in the clothing line for a psychopathic killer?

If you'll just step this way into the psychopathic killer department...

Won't your old brown suit do? It looks pretty deadly. I got it for Eric's wedding.

Probably still got confetti in the turn-ups. It'll throw me right off

when I'm about to strangle somebody and I start covering them in confetti. Now then,

I always find that most psychopathic killers like a nice chalk stripe.

You know I'm no good at these things. Why me?!

Because you look like a financial adviser. Everybody says so.

It was just your suit that looked careless about money. Don't keep it all to theeself, Cleggy.

Give us some financial advice. My advice is never to wear this kind of hat.

Relax. You look terrific. Plan A went pear-shaped.

This is Plan B. You turn up at the allotments. We'll make sure Bessie and Smiler are there.

You tell Smiler he's lost all his money. The market's gone flop. He's broke. And that's Plan B?

The simple ones are the best. It's foolproof.

I hope you haven't been exposing that young lady to any danger!

We feel the same way about thee, Howard.

Who's he supposed to be?

He's Mr Mildew, of Mildew, Hasset, Fosset and Prong.

The Prong I can see.

It reminds me of my Uncle Moseley, and we had to send him away.

I told you. Take no notice. You look terrific. Tell him he looks terrific.

I'm not the sort to lie. Tha' does nowt else. That's self-defence.

You have to lie to Pearl. PEARL: HOWARD! Can't I be Fosset?

I'm sure this hat is... It's more Fosset. Oh, off you go.

How about it, dreamboat? Dump the shortie. Just you and me. Let's go for a spin.

He can't. He's got to stay on guard. Of what?

His rhubarb. He hasn't got any rhubarb.

You see? You turn your back for a second...! I thought we'd have a nice little ride

to your favourite cash dispenser, and then have a splurge. He doesn't do splurging.

He promised his mother. I don't use cash dispensers, neither. Stacking it away! I like that in a chap.

Ey up! Here comes your financial advisor, Smiler.

In a funny hat. That's right. He's...my financial advisor.

He advises me financially.

(You're overdoing it.)

Ooh, he's a smoothie.

We need a word in private.

You can speak freely.

He's among friends.

Very close friends. Uhh...!

That little nest egg of yours...

Yes. His nest egg!

Go on. Gone.

Gone?

Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.

Knows how to handle adversity, this lad.

Takes it on the chin, and thinks...

"I've still got me rhubarb."

No... Sorry... That's gone as well.

What a wonderful attitude!

I call that very refreshing in these hard financial times.

Hallelujah!

I call it careless. I bet you're doing well, financial adviser.

Get on, I'll give you a lift.

I don't think I'm going your way.

No problem, I'm going yours.

When she says lift, she really means lift!

Will it pick him up? This'd pick up a pin dropping on Mars. Which direction did she take him?

We don't know which direction. That's why we need you.

How's it work? It runs on microwaves.

Does it do chips?

Why has this person run off with Clegg? She thinks he's got money.

Isn't love grand(?)

Stop, I think I heard something.

What's this lot doing?

Oh, that's my next-door idiot. Lucky you.

Mine lives closer than that.

Why's he playing with a dustbin lid?

It's a hi-tech dustbin lid. He's looking for life in outer space.

In my day, they looked no further than Blackpool.

If he's looking for aliens from space, why is it pointing downwards?

I told you. He's an idiot!

What's he going to do if he hears life on other planets?

He's going to report it to the authorities. Where would you go with a report like that?

Well, he says he thinks he'll start with the highways department.

They'll not want to know if they can't paint yellow lines on it.

What are you doing here?

We're rescuing Clegg.

I've found him. I heard the noises.

Norman Clegg is in outer space? I bet he wishes he was, rather than where he actually is.

Why does Norman Clegg need rescuing?

He's been taken by the alien from the allotments. He's been kidnapped. Well, nearly kidnapped.

Taken by sidecar on account of his financial genius. Somebody's in for a surprise, then!

Ey up, I've got it again.

Well done, Alvin!

Tha's a right little eavesdropper.

Is it Norman Clegg? Who knows? He could have been changed beyond all recognition.

You'd be surprised how quickly Barry changes into a psychopathic killer. Oh! Is he missing his putts again?

It's a part he's playing for the drama group.

It's a human voice. It can't be her from the allotments!

Where are you trying to focus?

Where are these sounds coming from?

Over there, in them trees. What would Norman Clegg be doing in the trees?

I don't even want to think about that.

Sacrificed himself for Smiler!

Brings a lump just here.

I can't see Norman Clegg in the trees. Not with a strange woman! He'd sooner be up a tree.

Hang on. She's coming through now.

RADIO INTERFERENCE

'Oh, Howard!'

'Oh, Marina!' Oh, get me back in that car, I'll fix him!

You're useless, Alvin! It picked them up, didn't it?

We weren't looking for them! Pearl seemed glad we'd found them.

What about poor old Clegg? What he needs is a minder! Some psychopathic killer.

Looking good, Barry.

A few facials of that magnitude should put the frighteners on her. How big is this Bessie?

A factor of no consequence to psychopathic killers, lad.

She's big. Hard and big!

Thank you for sharing that(!)

You don't have to wrestle her.

You just have to dominate her psychologically.

You've got to think like a killer, Barry! As if you're really ready to murder. I am. Ready to murder you lot

for getting me into this. Just think of it as a wonderful opportunity to practise your acting.

Or alternatively, think of it as a wonderful opportunity to get into trouble. Don't put him off!

Too late. He needs something to convince her he's totally ruthless.

Ahh!

EXHAUST BACKFIRES

You'll get to love our bike! We'll buy a new one!

OK, now!

SMASHING AND GROWLING

Remove my father from your bicycle.

I'm taking him home to Mother.

BIKE EXHAUST BACKFIRES

Oh, Barry! My hero!

BIKE EXHAUST BACKFIRES

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0