Original subtitles

Hey-up, it's first-aid from hell!

What are you doing today that's useful?

Give us a minute, I'll think of something. Too late. I've thought of something.

You'll do nicely. For what? For doing a kindness.

Taking an old person out for a change for an hour.

He won't be mobile when you've finished bandaging him.

There's nothing wrong with him apart from loneliness.

He doesn't need bandaging. It never stopped you before. You need a bandage between your nose and chin!

There - that's where he lives.

This is miles away.

Who's providing the transport? That's your problem.

I'm medical, not transport.

Where will I take him for a change? Suppose he's already been!

Oh, there you are, love. Don't "love" me.

Where do you think you're going? I was looking for you. I thought, "Where's Pearl?"

Where's Pearl? She's one jump ahead of you, that's where Pearl is.

Get your body inside.

I suppose you're wondering why I keep trying that door.

I'm determined to locate that squeak.

Seven.

Maybe eight. What?

Out of ten. For lying.

On the spur of the moment, that wasn't bad.

So there it is, two o'clock in the morning and I'm walking my beat.

Which you could in those days, before we had the support of the educated classes.

It's funny. They never blame honesty on social conditions.

And suddenly there's this chap up a tree with a pair of binoculars staring into a bedroom window.

I thought, "Right, laddie, you're nicked.

"But first let's have a look what's going on through that window."

Which wasn't idle curiosity,

but necessary for gathering the evidence.

I think we can all appreciate that. What size tree was it?

Oh, it held us both quite comfortably. For how long?

You know how it is. Time flies when you're enjoying yourself.

Were you selling tickets or did you arrest him?

It was his own house. He was watching his own bedroom window through binoculars?!

Which is well within the parameters of odd human behaviour.

Besides which, he had a perfectly good reason. He was a trifle loopy?

In addition to that.

He was trying to catch his wife smoking.

She swore she'd stopped, but he was sure he could smell cigarettes.

So we took turns on the binoculars. KNOCK ON DOOR

Who's that?

It's Nora Batty...in uniform.

You don't think she's invading, mm?

You go. Me? It's your house!

If I go, she'll bandage me. Why will she bandage you?

She did before.

What are you doing this afternoon?

Well, we're not expecting to be bleeding or anything.

I've made arrangements with my neighbour. You're going out to make a nice change for a lonely old man.

Wouldn't YOU make a nicer change for a lonely old man?

I shall be with the ladies, looking after his wife.

My neighbour is making travel arrangements. He'll be here in an hour. Right, thank you.

If she wants me to leave something to medical science, they can have my wart.

Worse.

We ought to do something. I'm no good at showbiz. You don't have to get into the tabloids.

Just do a little something for the children's concert. It'll go wrong. Things always go wrong for me.

Oh, really? Now he tells me.

Apart from you, things always go wrong for me.

Do your country and western. You like country and western.

I used to...till something went wrong for me.

Oh, Barry. It's not as if you've been stealing cattle or robbing stagecoaches.

I had an accident with a gun. You never said!

I dropped it on my big toe.

I was limping for a week.

You said it was gout.

That's how dangerous it was in the Old West.

No wonder they never took their boots off.

So where are we supposed to be going on this errand of mercy?

To some old couple out on the moors somewhere.

I find it easier to go along than it is to argue.

Oh, me too. And you've no idea the trouble it got me into.

It's some old couple she's found living out in the hills somewhere. She's decided they need a day out.

They need a change. SHE'S decided. They're probably quite happy.

Quite likely.

It'll be Nora's idea.

And when Nora Batty wants to do you a kindness, you'll get a kindness done whether you like it or not.

She's merciless. Says they've never been out for years.

Obviously not the kind of people you could mistake my Howard for.

Come in, big ears.

How did you know he was there? It's the marital bond.

You get so you can hear their knees creak as they bend for the keyhole.

I think it's nice you're doing this kindness to this old couple.

And when I get back I don't want to find that you've been doing a kindness to some other old party.

I don't know what you mean.

Look at him. See how he changes colour when he lies?

It starts just behind the ears there, look.

Yes, it's always the ears. Strange, isn't it?

So was it worth it - up a tree with his binoculars?

Did you find out whether his wife had given up smoking?

Oh, yes. He found out. Wow! Did he find out!

Are you going to tell me or do I have to start on your fingernails?

He found out she wasn't smoking. A happy ending. My favourite kind.

Not quite. Not a happy ending?

He was pleased his wife wasn't smoking, but he wasn't so pleased to find out it was him next door

popping in when the husband's back was turned. He was smoking.

So what did the husband do? HE started smoking again.

You do tell me some rhubarb, but I must admit you do it well.

I thought I'd just drop in since I was passing.

We saw you passing. I've no option.

She's really on her toes this morning.

This is my third attempt to break out.

Why don't you try something really tricky like, "Pearl, love, I'm just popping next door to Cleggy's"?

No chance. They get really suspicious if you start being honest.

Howard, here's the deal.

You don't ask us to deliver messages and we won't say no.

It's nothing like that.

I just wondered if you knew of a suitable upmarket isolated country inn where one could entertain.

A young lady? I suppose that's one possibility.

If she happened to belong to the same Country Pursuits Federation.

Well, if by some unlikely chance the young lady did belong,

how far upmarket would this place have to be?

Somewhere where, if you were late, a young lady could wait without being bothered.

And you think this hypothetical young lady is likely to be, um... bothered? I most certainly do.

I'd hate to think of her falling into the wrong hands.

Or even taking a running jump. Look, Howard, why don't you just settle down?

Or take up something less risky - like euthanasia?

It's all perfectly innocent. We're just good friends.

We have a common interest in the great outdoors.

What a passionate spirit to be confined within the range of a bicycle.

I think you were meant to be Italian, Howard. I sometimes feel that.

I think Pearl suspects it too.

She refuses to encourage my interest in spaghetti.

You do talk a load of old Bolognese, Howard.

Well, it's just that I'm surprised, that's all.

And after a bad experience in a remote branch library, I'm not easily surprised.

But I've never known you do charity visits. I do valuations for free.

I call that a charity visit. You charge expenses.

I tried not charging expenses, but I found I couldn't sleep.

Having my heart broken kept me awake.

Then you'll understand how I felt about not charging expenses. Have you never known romance?

Oh, when I was young and daft, I thought I'd found Mr Right.

Then I caught him in the act. Oh, don't tell me.

I know what they're capable of.

He betrayed you. Oh, did he ever.

In broad daylight, during business hours.

I caught him trying to give this customer his money back.

So of course you never forgave him? Not only that. I sacked him.

So how come you've changed your ways and started visiting these old folk?

I've been doing it ever since I discovered that virtue is its own reward.

You go and help these old people and it's amazing what you can pick up in antiques.

Oh, as charitable as that?

If you can spread a little happiness.

Oh, don't go without your pump. You've paid for it.

Not so hard to find.

You just turn left after Outer Mongolia.

How did Nora find these people way out here?

Witchcraft. What's more, she can see through walls.

I bet that's a bit easier than trying to see through her nightie.

I imagine the occasion hardly arises.

It's a very unsettling thought when you live only next door.

What we need is someone who speaks the language out here to get down and open the gate.

Consider it done. Off you go, then, Alvin, open the gate.

Didn't I open the last gate? There - no substitute for experience.

It just collapsed in my hands.

I bet you're the one that built the former Mrs Truelove's conservatory.

I expect that's why these people have never been out anywhere. It's too much trouble opening the gate.

Hope the old boy we're taking out is in better condition than his gate.

We'll leave the gate. The women are going to be coming through.

Open gate like open mouth - things get out.

What's to get out? There's nothing in the field.

Who ordered chicken?

This must be him.

Old Scrooby.

Good day to you, sir. We're looking for Mr Scrooby.

That'll be me grandad tha's wanting. Your grandad's still around?!

Oh, aye, he's buried in't churchyard.

Well, then, no, we're not looking for your grandad.

Are there any other Scroobies?

Oh, aye.

What about a hint?

There's no Hints round here.

Has anybody got a phrase book?

Are there any other Scroobies?

There's me. I'm a Scrooby.

I think we've cracked it. It's him we're looking for.

But he said he wasn't Mr Scrooby.

I'm not. I'm Bert.

I've always been Bert.

Mr Scrooby were me grandad. Here. Hold Lucy.

My advice to you, Tex, if you're worried about your gun, is fasten it in.

Make sure it doesn't fall out.

Sticky tape or something.

I think that's cheating. Good guys don't cheat.

Good guys get shot while they're picking up their gun. Yes, that's the downside. How do I look?

You look lovely. I'm supposed to look like a cowboy.

You look like a lovely cowboy. I could take you straight upstairs and cuddle you.

Lovely doesn't sound right to me. I don't want to be the fastest flickering eyelash in the West.

What are you going to sing? Well, I thought something lively.

Can you do lively without losing your gun?

I don't know. I was just half drawing it when...

Oh, it's too embarrassing to admit you dropped your six-gun on your big toe. Oh, Barry.

I bet the Old West was full of cowboys nursing their big toes.

Where's he gone? Not for chips, I hope.

My chicken's very warm underneath. Is that normal?

Almost certainly a thermostat gone.

I think they're designed like that so they can squat down and keep their feet warm.

It's like cuddling one of Nora Batty's hats.

Oh? Oh, do tell.

When did you have that experience?

Do they peck?

Only at one end.

What are you lot doing with Bert's chickens?

We were wondering that. Who are these lot with your chickens?

It's all right, Mother. They've come to take us out for a day.

Like that woman said. The chickens?

They're just holding them for me.

For how long? Just till I clean their place out.

How long does that take?

Top to bottom - two hours.

What?!

We're not standing here for two hours holding these things.

Can't we put them down? No. They'll wander away.

There's foxes and God knows what out there.

The lad'll go mad if I lose any. Can't you clean out another day?

I set me mind on cleaning out them chickens.

What do you think, lass? Well, if they're taking us out for a day.

Not you.

We're just taking Mr Scrooby.

His grandad?

You'll have a job taking his grandad.

No. We're taking THIS Mr Scrooby.

Well, if you're going with that lot, who's taking me out?

The ladies are taking you out. Not that old bossy boots again.

You'd better get changed, lass.

Changed? It's gonna be a lot of fuss, this going out?

Do you think we ought to be making a little fuss ourselves, Bert?

Or even a lot. Has he got a best suit? Of course I've got a best suit. I've got me grandad's.

What did you bury him in, then? His nightshirt.

Not his best nightshirt. We kept his best nightshirt.

Wear the suit, Bert. Right, we'll put the chickens back in the barn,

and then we'll wait and help the ladies open the gate.

We left it open. You what?

Sal, he left the gate open!

Oh, good grief...he'll be out.

There was nothing in the field. We checked. A wide open gate.

He will. He'll be out.

I wouldn't call it wide open. It's more like, um, well...scattered about.

He has instructions never to go past that gate.

We've told him it's a wicked world out there,

but if you've left it open,

oh, good grief, he will. The lad'll be out.

Is this the right way to the Scroobies?

I hope he knows what he's looking for inside those overalls!

For me? Oh!

Take it, don't upset him. It's probably some native custom.

Thank you very much. Much appreciated, I'm sure.

Now gie's a kiss. I beg your pardon?!

I gave thee an apple.

I've come across native customs like that before!

We'll have to find the lad before he goes through too many apples.

Where did he learn this apple trick? Grandad were a bad influence.

No wonder he needed two nightshirts!

If he's on foot, how many apples can he be carrying? He can't have gone far.

But did he go east or west?

We'll have to split up. Some of us'll go one way, and some t'other.

We'll get the cars. Who's coming wi' me?

Well, I'm just glad we're not taking the chickens. Not that I don't like chickens.

Many of my deepest instincts are chicken.

That belongs to some campers. They leave it here.

This looks like a native. Ask this one if he's seen anybody.

Good day to you, me old mangelwurzel!

We're looking for somebody known hereabouts as "the lad".

Tha's just found him, then. That's me.

For a lad, that's a cunning disguise.

How long have you been the lad? I've always been the lad.

Right, then. Hop in the back. They want you at home. Nay.

What's he mean "nay"?

I think he means "Nei-ei-eigh!"

Fancy loping off like that!

Do you think he's rehearsing for village idiot?

I think he's word perfect. Well, he's not gonna get away from Truly of the Yard.

I deduce he's over there in that ditch.

I said nay!

She likes a gossamer touch on the clutch! Be gentle with the clutch!

He's not up that way. No, he's down that way.

In my pick-up!

Now, I suppose, we've all got to climb into this thing.

Shouldn't you have brought two, Bert - one for each foot?

Get in. I know a short cut.

I thought it was nice of them to wave.

I know where he'll be heading - the pub! You'll have to go fetch him.

I don't think I should go into a public house in my uniform.

Well, you've been in wearing funnier hats than that!

Only to fetch my husband out. At least you knew where to look. I'd need a bush hat to go finding mine.

I think a hat should make a statement.

Chosen wisely, it's a barrier against unwelcome attentions. Well, you got that bit right!

I must have been wearing the wrong ones.

Quite by chance, fortunately!

Are we gonna find the lad before he's down to his pips?

Oh, this is nice.

I love the ambience already.

It was highly recommended. Not always a safe guide for a girl to follow!

I made enquiries for a place that would be suitable for a lady...

It makes a nice change from a quick bite behind a bush somewhere.

..a lady of unquestioned respectability.

Which I owe entirely to you, Howard,

considering the number of times you've led me behind a bush somewhere.

Oh, please understand me, I'm not complaining.

There must be few of us who've been exposed to such scenery.

I know how you like scenery.

Psst! Psst!

I could give thee an apple. What a kind thought!

I hope he wasn't bothering you. You hardly gave him time!

Well, what did he want? To give me an apple.

You shouldn't go accepting apples from strangers. You don't know who they are.

I believe that's why they call them strangers, Howard.

There's the pickup!

I think I've found an admirer, Howard.

You know you have. It's me!

I mean ANOTHER one, Howard.

It never rains but it pours.

He looks like he might take advantage.

Good heavens! And I'm not even halfway through the menu.

Well, I suppose it's better being looked at by strangers than people we know.

I was very careful to choose a place where we wouldn't be seen.

Hey-up, there's Sonny and Cher!

Those blushes look familiar. I think I just heard his appetite leaving!

Don't sit there in pure enjoyment. Say hello, Howard!

Oh, hello. What a day of surprises.

You're the second party I've bumped into by accident. Who was the first?

This young lady here.

Nice try, Howard!

I don't know why people never believe me!

Here, I thought you said this place was quiet!

It IS quiet.

Look how quiet you went when we walked in.

You've found him, then? Just in time. Still on his first apple.

I know that bicycle! That's a bicycle that's up to no good.

I wonder if that bicycle would like a ride.

Ooh, what a wicked thought!

I must congratulate you on that.

Come in and have a cup of tea. You'll want to be there when Howard gets in.

He'll give us some lie about how he's managed to lose his bicycle!

THEY CHUCKLE

How are you going to explain the loss of your bicycle?

I'll tell her I had to give it to some poor person in need.

This poor tramp was in a terrible condition

and I couldn't resist it. That's wicked, Howard! You're a genius!

I'm so sorry we got interrupted and didn't get lunch.

Not to worry, Howard.

I've got two apples!

Subtitles by Graeme Dibble and Alison Semeonoff, BBC Broadcast 2004

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0