Original subtitles

CLANGING

ELECTRICAL BUZZING

No! No what?

I'm not available for romantic purposes. You look as if you never were...and that makes two of us.

Go away. I'm busy. You'll be busier in a minute, dodging this brush.

What ARE you doing?

Do we have to have all that racket?

Not that it's any of your business, even if you do find me fascinating.

I am creating. Creating havoc.

And you're about as fascinating as that stuff that grows on cheese.

Full of natural flavour. You'll be glad when I'm finished.

I'm doing a work of art to brighten this place up. Brighten it up?

This place doesn't need anything. There's nothing wrong with it.

Don't you slam your head shut at me!

Romantic purposes.

I haven't had one of them for 50 years and it wasn't on purpose.

I may be retired, but suddenly this little winking light is flashing inside my head.

Anything over six pints and I'm the same. The car. Isn't that Barry's car over there?

I think it is... It is Barry's car.

Call me suspicious, but I wonder what he's doing, lurking out there among the trees.

Barry doesn't lurk. He works for a building society. So did the Leicester Square Strangler.

I bet he was in the Claims Department. From a busy schedule, where does Barry find the time?

The what? The time. Just about ten past.

Oh, thank you, Billy Hardcastle.

It is. It's Barry's car.

The thing about people being up to something is that they can be talked into giving you a lift into town.

The thing is not to ask him what he's up to until we're in the car.

That's sneaky. It's not for nothing I'm descended from a famous outlaw.

I've always had more trouble with the in-laws.

I still can't see Barry being "up to" something.

I didn't think he was the type. I still don't think he's the type.

I don't think he's the type either. They're the worst type.

What happened to innocent until proved guilty? Very unreliable.

You're on much firmer ground starting with guilty.

Barry!

Barry! Barry! Barry! Barry!

Barry! Oh, um...

Oh, it's you. Er... With you in a minute.

Did that sound innocent?

Sounded worse than me when I'm trying to lie to the missus.

Haven't you cracked that one? Not easy when you've been drinking.

Have you thought of not drinking? Never.

What's he need a suitcase for?

There'll be a perfectly simple explanation. I expect he's been burying stolen money.

Hello. Going back to town, Barry?

That's right, Mr Truelove. Great. Tha' can give us a lift.

What a happy coincidence - meeting you out here like this.

Funny, I was thinking the same.

I expect tha'll be getting a big flash new car soon, Barry.

(Hmph!)

Going somewhere? I thought I'd just stretch my legs a minute.

It's too late now. You should have done that when you were young.

I thought just a couple of turns round the yard...

get the stiffness out.

That's all it was, was it, just the yard? Oh, yes.

That was the intention, yes.

It's quite sufficient for a little exercise - the yard.

Oh, well, if it was just the yard.

I meant to say... If you are thinking of going any farther,

I think it's only fair to warn you your bicycle's on a lead.

Barry was guilty.

I'm an expert. I've been trained in feeling guilty by experts.

The missus and her sister.

I still don't think that he was burying stolen money.

Well, what else would he be burying? Could be anything.

Pickled walnuts.

All these years Glenda has fed him pickled walnuts as a treat,

and Barry's too nice a person to tell her that he hates them.

So he's been sneaking them upstairs in a handkerchief and stuffing them into old briefcases.

Now the briefcases are all full so he's taken them out to bury them.

He's guilty of more than pickled walnuts. Here's another one looks guilty.

Where's the harm in going for a spin on the bicycle?

You look like a person at the end of his rope. She ties your bicycle.

What kind of wife ties your bicycle? Your kind.

Just showing how she cares.

Look, give romance a rest, Howard. Come and have a cup of tea.

I ought to undo this rope first.

Is that allowed? Allowed? A man must be master in his own house.

FROM ABOVE: Leave that rope alone!

You saw that, Miss Davenport. There's something in there he doesn't want me to see.

They are deceivers, I'm afraid. I tried to believe in them.

I wanted to believe in them, but...

I lost my faith in the bridal suite of a boarding house in Reigate.

You see. He's locked the boot.

It left me with a terrible aversion to patterned flock wallpaper.

Hello, ladies. You're back early, Barry. Yes.

You see. No explanation.

He never turned up, you know.

And under those circumstances, one quickly exhausts the tea-making facilities.

Married all this time and he calls me "Hello, ladies."

Hello, Barry. Hello, Mr Entwistle.

It's not just a passing interest. I've always been a seeker of the truth of these eternal questions.

So what do you think, Barry? Will the mortgage rates stay the same?

Are you married, Mr Entwistle?

That's a tricky question, lad.

Sometimes it's a grey area.

I never realised you were so depressed about the mortgage rate, Barry. ..Barry?

Oh, look at him. I'm not having anybody with a face like his in my establishment.

People see him with that face, they'll think it's my catering.

Either he cheers up or he's out. You'd better start smiling, lad.

I am smiling. I can feel it. Well, it's not coming through.

Wear it on the outside if you want to stay in here.

What happened to him? I happened to him.

I'm not having him in here looking as if he's just eaten something vile. Oh, not again.

We had that yesterday. Watch it.

I never knew it was so painful.

It makes you wonder why people do it.

Oh, ye gods! Another one.

He's feeling guilty already.

We'll get it out of him tactfully.

Now then, Barry, what's tha been up to?

I think my marriage is in crisis.

Oh, well, as long as it's nothing serious.

If he's looking miserable, can I stop smiling now? No.

Last thing we need is a double act.

If you've anything to confess, lad, now's the time.

I think Glenda's seeing another man. Glenda? I don't believe that, Barry.

I saw him go into the house after I left. He must have been waiting.

You used to be Truly of the Yard, Mr Truelove.

Would you investigate?

Oo-oo-oo...

What's wrong? It's his smile. It's stuck. Get it off! Get it off!

How did you manage to break that?

It's not broken. This is how it's supposed to be.

Give us a hand. I don't want any familiarities if I come close.

Familiarities? I'd sooner grab a hot welding rod.

You'll think you have grabbed one if you try anything with me. You?

You're bad-tempered, foul and horrible. Yes, and that's just on the surface.

Underneath I can be really unpleasant.

Wouldn't it be easier to bring the bin to this instead of taking this to the bin? It's not for binning.

It's art. Are you naturally weird, or did you take a course?

It's abstract art. I may have found my natural vocation.

Oh, as well as annoying me?

Put it down here.

There... It looks good there.

It's not stopping there.

You should be pleased. A piece of original art.

What's it supposed to be?

It's not supposed to be anything. It's abstract.

It's an abstract shape. If it had to be anything, I'd say it was a tree.

I'd say it was my personal vision of a tree.

I would say you need new glasses.

Has it gone?

Are you sure it's gone? Relax, it's gone.

You look as miserable as ever. That's a relief.

It didn't feel natural. It didn't look natural.

How do you shave wearing a smile? I bet it's not easy.

That's him. That's the man. That's Glenda's fella.

That's him. The boyfriend. You saw him.

Oh, just my luck. I bet he's handsome.

I bet he's got a flat stomach and a platinum credit card.

I've had it, haven't I? Barry, it's not like Glenda.

Not normally, but he's probably Italian or sells double glazing.

Don't go crawling back to Glenda yet, lad.

Get your windows changed, then go back. Thank you, nurse, for that advice to the lovelorn.

We'll get to the bottom of this. Truly of the Yard will investigate.

You're about to see the master swing into action.

Right, you two, follow that man.

Wow, that's some swing. Follow him where?

Wherever he's going, you twit.

Oh, well, it's better than having to smile.

Now, don't let him see you. Go wherever he leads you and see if you can find out who he is.

Where will you be? We'll be at Glenda's.

We'll get to the bottom of this.

Do you think we should be quite as direct as that? Yes, Barry, I do.

It's been my experience that the truth is always best...

except in the witness box.

I can't face Glenda.

That's because you're feeling guilty, lad. I am.

I have this...

secret.

I should probably caution you at this point. Stop being a policeman.

Help the lad. You're right.

We'll tackle Glenda for you, Barry.

We'll get the truth out of her. That's what friends are for.

And if it comes to a nasty divorce, well, you'll need a few witnesses.

Talk about a bedside manner.

Where did you learn your police training - Beirut?

Tell Glenda an old flame sends his love.

Aw!

Don't start aw-ing till we know what he's done with the money.

How can we follow him if he gets on a bus?

You'll have to run. You've got the legs for it. Well, if I'm running, you're running with me.

Quick, we'll take the short cut.

Sorry, Marina, love.

Sorry, Howard. Sorry!

It's Glenda.

She must have met him on the bus. She's craftier than we thought.

We'll have to come up with some excuse for calling

and see what we can find out casually. Even sneakily.

What excuse for calling?

I think we can safely leave that to Old Sneaky of the Yard.

We'll say we're calling for Barry, and she'll invite us in to wait.

Suppose she doesn't?

We come up with some snappy line like, "Can we come in and wait?"

Right, here we go, then.

Remember. Tactful. I thought it was sneaky. I mean sneaky.

Oh, Mr Truelove. I'm so glad you're here. It's Barry. I think he's up to something.

You're suspicious of Barry?

I know I shouldn't be, but I'm sure Barry's up to something.

I want you to find out what he's doing.

This case is trickier than we thought.

I can't believe anything bad of Glenda or Barry.

Well, Barry's up to something. We saw him in the wood.

An "up to something" spot if I ever saw one.

He did look suspicious and I know that look.

The wife catches me wearing it.

Everybody looks suspicious in a wood. It's what they're for.

It's true. If you're alone in a wood it's very hard not to look as if you've been burying a body.

You're right. It's hard to believe, but Glenda's got a bloke.

I don't believe it.

Told you it was hard. We followed him. He met Glenda on a bus.

Followed him? We were doing over 50 down one stretch.

What's the going rate for following Barry?

You're a tight lot, you lot from Hull. It's our ancient tradition.

We've been invaded so many times by Barbarians using North Sea Ferries.

Tom and Smiler followed Glenda for free.

Ah, but they're idiots. You were getting the idiot rate.

I'm in business. But we're idiots. You're an idiot.

So that's the secret. Integrated at last. Here he comes now.

I suggest we keep a safe distance. Wait for my signal.

Right, Entwistle, off you go.

ENGINE CHUGS

Come on.

How much do you charge for following Barry?

This bit's on the house.

I knew it. That's what we're pushing. A house.

So how do we follow him now? We don't.

All we can do is go back to where we first encountered the suspect. Maybe he's gone there again.

How did it get mangled into this terrible condition?

He says that's how it's supposed to be. You mean he made it like this?

He says it's a tree. An artistic vision of a tree.

What a wonderful gift for talking rubbish they all have.

Where is it gonna go? Over that wall if he doesn't shift it.

This is where we saw him the last time. Pleasant, isolated spot.

He's got to be up to no good.

Country lover.

Let's give him a shout. Quiet. We don't want to scare him.

We just want to... We just want to find him. Is there a reward?

Stop coming from Hull, Entwistle.

It was worth a try. You never know if you don't ask.

You'll enjoy the next bit. It's called "sneaking up and catching a person in the act".

I can't believe that Barry is in an act. You believe in fairies.

Only at Christmas. Let's find his car.

We're too late. Look at that.

What? On the back seat.

His clothes.

Why would his clothes be on the back seat?

You know what this means, don't you? Suicide.

You come straight out with it, don't you?

Why would he take his clothes off?

Well, you know Barry. He wouldn't want to ruin his creases by jumping in the water with his clothes on.

Is there any water around here?

Well, there must be if he's gonna drown himself.

Why would he drown himself? Because he's brokenhearted about Glenda.

I thought she was brokenhearted about him. Well, there you go, you see. They're both brokenhearted.

It's a tragedy. It's like Romeo and Juliet. With no clothes on. That should sell a few tickets.

I'll bet it's been done already.

We've got to find him before he drowns himself.

There's no water round here. It was just a cry for help.

DISTANT: Help!

Told you. That was uncanny.

But it wasn't Barry.

Help!

You've got to help me. I found this young lady in a bramble bush.

ALL: Come off it!

Well, you're quite wrong for once.

Miss Davenport?

You must be wondering what a mature librarian is doing in a bramble bush.

You see. I know who you thought it'd be.

Don't overdo it, Howard. Innocent doesn't suit you.

You're well entangled, Miss Davenport. Story of my life.

I'm far too trusting. In that case...my card, Miss Davenport. If ever you need anything electrical.

Oh! Thank you Mr...Entwistle!?

Daddy resented being mistaken for a foreigner, so he changed the name.

From McIntyre.

How did you get yourself into such a mess?

By being far too trusting. They all swear that they're free of all other relationships.

How did you get yourself in this bush? Oh, the bush.

By following Barry. His wife thinks he's up to something.

It's a good job I came past quite innocently.

Atchoo!

Sorry.

What's she packed you?

I don't know. What do you think?

There's a bloke in those trees with a gun!

What do you think?

I think it's fish paste.

What about him and his tale of the bloke with a gun?

He seems quite excitable to me.

Unreliable witness. He'd be useless in court. He'd go to pieces.

At the risk of being overzealous or madly keen...

don't you think we should investigate further?

There's no need. It's fish paste.

Barry?

Barry!

Who is it?

It's only us, Barry.

We've come to save you.

Would you believe - even out here - Jehovah's Witnesses?

No, Barry.

It's Truly, Clegg, Billy, Entwistle, Howard, Marina and Miss Davenport.

Did you hire a coach?

That's nice. He sounds really glad we've found him.

He's embarrassed because he's gonna to drown himself.

Are you near any water, Barry?

If you're thirsty, I think there's a bottle in the car.

He's in here.

You know, the old policeman in me can't help wondering what he's doing in the bushes with no clothes on.

There is no need to cover my eyes, Howard. When the time comes, they'll be tightly shut.

The countryside is more interesting than a casual visitor appreciates.

Come out, lad.

I'd rather not at the moment, thank you.

All right. End of softly-softly.

If you won't come out, we're coming in to get you. Oh, all right, then.

Don't shoot. Me good Indian.

You see. People take the wee-wee.

How can I tell Glenda?

Get rid of the woman, and you can tell her anything. What woman?

I've not got another woman. I don't want another woman.

Don't be hasty. Don't say anything you might regret.

Can we ask a question, Barry?

Why are you dressed like this?

There's a group who do country and western. I thought I might join.

They go to this pub as cowboys and listen to country and western.

I think tha'd be better with another woman, Barry.

Hello, Mr Truelove.

Get rid of him, Glenda.

Get rid of who?

Your boyfriend.

Barry hasn't got another woman, so you don't need a boyfriend.

I haven't got a boyfriend.

The one with the trilby and the mac.

That was me.

I knew it. I knew she wouldn't have a boyfriend.

It's Barry who's got another woman.

No, he hasn't.

It's like this...

Autumn's early this year!

It was fish paste.

You should know. You ate all three.

Glenda!

Me White Feather.

Do you tickle?

Come find out!

Subtitles by Ailsa Macaulay

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0