Original subtitles

What are you doing wearing that thing?

I'm trying to breathe is what I'm doing.

What are YOU doing with that brush?

Every morning you come out here and you move that dust to there and that dust to there.

Why don't you just whistle? It must know where to go by now.

I've always swept up. Places need sweeping up.

Right. Well, tell me this, then.

What are you gonna do with it when it's swept? Do with it?

Why? What should I do with it?

Well, why are you sweeping it if you don't know what to do with it?

What CAN I do with it?

Enjoy it. You've swept it clean.

Have you ever thought of enjoying it? I enjoy it being clean!

Have you ever thought of quality leisure time?

A little table outside. A few chairs, a glass of vino.

Men!

Life's not for vino - life's for sweeping.

When are you expected to come into flower?

Hey! Hey! Hey! Look at this - his suit's gone green.

It's a green suit, you muffin.

Yes, you're right there. Yes.

That's a green suit, all right. No doubt about it, that's green.

What's wrong with it? I had it made for special occasions.

What special occasion's this?

It's Robin Hood's birthday.

They're related. They share the same gene for colour blindness.

You'd better come in, Billy, before you're covered in greenfly.

You'd think some folk had never seen a green suit before.

We like it better in the autumn, when it goes brown.

Let's hope it never falls off.

It's me special ceremonial suit.

Why does everybody think it's a funny suit? It's the colour.

It has to be this colour.

I wear it in his honour. The Jolly Green Giant.

That's very nice of you, Billy.

Not the Jolly Green Giant.

I wear it for Our Kid's birthday. Whose birthday?

Robin Hood. You call Robin Hood "Our Kid"?

We're related. On me mother's side. She was a Bristow.

And today's his birthday? How did you work that out?

Historical research.

Oh. Being of an enquiring mind,

may I ask, where did you do this historical research?

With the local expert. With Entwistle.

Entwistle is an expert on Robin Hood?

I didn't know that either.

He does this mystical reading of the past.

He's an electrician! Right. He does it with a battery and a voltmeter.

Oh, as mystical as that(?)

And Entwistle told you this is Robin Hood's birthday?

Guarantees it. You believe anything. I don't.

I've got an escape clause.

If it turns out not to be Robin Hood's birthday,

I get me money back.

You've heard, then?

I haven't heard a thing.

Not a whisper. Then you must be born under a lucky star.

To be accidentally passing, just when I'm offering the bargain of the week.

I'll take it.

That's what I like, decisions.

Even if you don't know what it is yet? I don't care.

I need something to take me mind off things.

I wish there were more like you, lad.

It's people like you could give dopiness a good name.

Looking very reflective, Howard.

Me mind's in turmoil.

I get like that.

Yours doesn't move fast enough for turmoil.

Listen, it's none of my business.

It's not that I have a personal interest in this thing,

but did I see you with a certain young lady in a bridal dress?

It was just a rehearsal. The big day's tomorrow.

You're going out in it, then?

Any other day of the year, you can't go out like this.

But today is Robin Hood's birthday.

Mr Hardcastle says everybody will be celebrating. They'll all be wearing this colour.

Now, let's go. I thought we'd have our picnic in the greenwood.

Does everybody know it's Robin Hood's birthday? Everybody knows.

Mr Hardcastle says everybody knows.

I must say, you look quite attractive in green, Barry.

You'd make a nice, cuddly sort of outlaw.

Try fierce and ruthless.

Wild Barry of the Woods.

What does Wild Barry of the Woods feel like for his picnic?

Have you got any mushroom pate? Wow! How wild can you get(?)

There you are, lad. Auntie Wainwright's adventure pack.

It contains everything you need for a life of travel and excitement.

Adventure pack? How am I going to get this home?

That could be your first adventure.

Oh, look! There's a box coming in.

It's not often you see a box coming in.

What the blazes have you got there?

It's my adventure pack.

It contains all a man needs for travel and danger.

You'd be better off with a bus pass.

You see what can happen on Robin Hood's birthday?

It's the new Howard. Howard the Magnificent.

I don't feel magnificent.

I've had a shock.

Well, you're gonna get another one when you get back home.

I may never go home.

I may just wander endlessly.

And leave behind your 24 complete issues of "The Practical Goldfish Keeper"?

I want you to be honest with me.

It's a bit late for us to start now.

Billy was a boy scout. Got a badge for it.

That was for woodcraft.

Well, there you go, Howard. Best we can offer.

Not sure about honesty, but badges for woodcraft.

I want you to answer this hypothetical question.

Oh, this is not about you, then? Purely imaginary.

Let's just suppose there was a young lady.

Purely imaginary. Called Marina.

I don't know that. It could be anybody.

Called Marina.

All right. For the sake of argument, let's suppose she's called Marina.

Let's suppose that someone had a kind of harmless interest in her.

Another person purely imaginary? Absolutely.

No wonder they get on so well. Look what they've got in common! They're both imaginary.

Imagine.

If you'd let me get the question out...

All I want to know is, if you suddenly saw someone you were interested in

wearing a wedding dress, would you take that to mean she's found someone else?

I should think it's a pointer in that direction. Definite clue.

Marina's getting married?

Tomorrow. Today's just the rehearsal.

And there's something else I've got to ask you. Go ahead, Howard.

You've just been jilted at the altar but you're among friends. Ask away.

Why is he wearing that horrible green suit?

What do you want?

And a friendly greeting to you, too.

I haven't time to stand here chatting to you. What do you want?

I want to paint you. Oh. Well, you're too late, I've just had me staircase done.

Why didn't you come a month since? YOU! I want to paint you.

I want you to model for me. It's all right - relax.

All you need to remove is your pinny and your curlers.

And maybe pull your stockings up.

Oh, aye, that's how it starts. Then what? Well, then nothing.

Not what I hear about you artists.

Next thing I know, you'll be wanting to take me to Paris.

I shan't want to take you to Paris. Don't lie.

You're not getting me on your Left Bank.

Why would I want to take you to Paris? Why? We both know why.

I wouldn't take you to Halifax.

Are you two at it again? What is it this time?

I come with a harmless suggestion. He wants to paint me, then take me to Paris.

In that order? Can't you paint her there?

He's not getting ME to Paris! I never said a word about Paris.

I knew she was attracted to me,

but she's a bit forward to invite herself to Paris. What the heck would we do?

I bet you can't even speak French.

NORA MUTTERS What did she say?

I didn't catch it, but it didn't sound like French.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: 'Stay where you are. Don't move.

'You are on security camera.

'Customers are reminded that shoplifters will be electrocuted.'

Do you get many shoplifters? Had one recently.

Snatched a valuable snuff box and tore off down the high street.

You didn't chase him, then? No.

But he gave himself up when he got tired of me hanging onto his leg.

I thought I'd see if you've got any electrical work wants doing.

Oh, I see you also give readings.

I don't like the word give.

Understood.

Then in that case, yes. Readings can be arranged.

Suppose I had a customer who couldn't make up his mind,

and I sent him to you for a reading?

Then I could refer him back to you in a better frame of mind.

I like the style of you Hull people.

You've got a dissatisfied customer.

Returning goods. We told him it was a suicide mission.

It's usually quicker than that.

You told me that this was an adventure pack!

It's just an old uniform and a saddle.

Have you any idea how many adventures there've been in an old uniform and a saddle?

I need something to punch up my image.

I think it might be slipping. You need a uniform.

Uniforms do it every time.

Ask Mr Entwistle.

What does he know? It's not what he knows.

It's what he can find out with his electric powers.

You need a reading.

Why do I need a reading?

To find out whether that uniform will do you any good or not.

What do you think? I think you need a reading, Howard.

I think you need your head reading.

Give it a shot, Howard. Where's the harm? We'll watch.

Instead of looking at Billy's suit.

I wish you'd all show a bit more respect for Robin Hood's birthday. Oh, of course.

How do you know it's Robin Hood's birthday? He told me.

He did me a reading.

That's marvellous.

I'll have a reading. You'll never regret it.

It's the beginning of wisdom.

For those who wish to be regularly wise, I offer a season ticket.

I'll get the gear. What does he mean, gear?

He does it by electrics.

It's all very scientific. Not to mention dangerous.

Stop winding him up.

I don't believe Entwistle's lost more than two or three.

And that was because they weren't wearing rubber soles.

Come along, Barry.

We'll never get our picnic at this rate.

People are smiling at the suit. You chose to wear it.

Mr Hardcastle said everybody would be wearing this Robin Hood stuff.

I think he might have exaggerated, don't you?

Oh, come on. You'll be all right when we get in the car.

Nobody'll see you in the country.

Can't I go home and get changed?

If you'd just remove your hat with the big feather in it, nobody would notice.

Are you sure? It's just a green suit.

Who's going to notice a green suit?

Ooh, Barry, that suit!

What do you think it is, Robin Hood's birthday?

First thing man in search of wisdom has to do is hold this.

Is it electric? It's the other one that's live.

No, sorry. You were right.

You see how wise you're becoming already? Try the other one.

You try the other one.

You see? Would I lie to you?

May I say, Howard, how good you look on the end of a wire.

Doesn't he? Born for it.

Ask him a question, Howard.

It's a bit public.

We can take a hint. We'll withdraw.

We know when we're not wanted. People tell us.

Time's money, lad. Ask your question. Are they listening?

Of course we're not listening. I can vouch for it.

The battery's ready when you are. Well, what I wanted to know was...

Don't look at me. Ask the battery.

The battery? How's it going to answer a question?

With the voltmeter.

I'll tell you what the answer is when I've read the voltmeter.

I've forgotten me question now.

It was, should I wear the old uniform in my adventure pack?

That's a yes.

You should. The battery says yes.

You should definitely wear the old uniform in the adventure pack.

What I also meant to ask was...

A man of wisdom would realise that'll be extra.

Damned expensive, this wisdom.

I was just wondering if a certain lady

were on the verge of doing something she might regret.

Howard, are you sure it was Marina in the wedding dress?

It was her. You know when you see certain people in a wedding dress.

Didn't she give you even a hint?

Didn't she say something like,

"By the way, Howard, I can't see you for a while - I'm getting married"?

She never said a word. Maybe she wanted to surprise you.

Of course, there's no reason why she should.

I hardly know the young lady.

Leave it to the battery. The battery will guide.

Follow that car!

Why is she getting married? Do you think it was something I said?

You wouldn't think you'd get all that emotion in a small package.

I bet that's it. She's marrying somebody taller.

Faster, Entwistle.

Person in hurry not always first.

Who said that? Entwistle. I saw his lips move.

My Uncle Walter.

But he was Irish. Oh, well then.

Ignore that.

What have we done today for the benefit of society?

I can't be expected to remember everything. Why do you ask?

I suppose it's because I've got an enquiring mind. Since when?

Since I realised we better have an answer ready in case somebody asks.

Who's going to ask? The Inspector might.

Now you've done it.

Now we've both got an enquiring mind.

We must have done something.

Bound to. I expect we've just forgotten it.

We rescued a cat from up a tree. That gets a round of applause.

We haven't rescued a cat from up a tree. Not yet, we haven't.

But we're going to, aren't we? That's good.

That's what I'm here for. I'm the brains of this outfit.

My, that looks like a rush job.

Looks like Uncle Walter got it right after all. I've lost her.

If she's getting married, Howard, I'd say that's a fair conclusion.

Cheer up, Howard. Look on the bright side. What bright side?

You've still got Pearl. She'll be all right once she cools down.

It'll be too late then! She'll be married.

Someone please calm this excitable person. His radiator's boiling too.

Tha'd look better boiling in uniform, Howard.

That's the way to impress her.

Sound idea, Howard. You're going to have to pull out all the stops here.

Put your uniform on.

Do you think that will help?

I used to wear one myself. Always impresses the ladies.

Won me the love and later the legal expenses of the former Mrs Truelove.

I'd like to wear a uniform, but they laugh at you round here.

Suppose they laugh at me? Tha won't be in tights.

They reserve the coarsest of wit for persons in tights.

I'll give it a try.

It's not that there's anything between me and the young lady.

I just hate the thought of her throwing herself away on the wrong person.

Maybe she'll be very happy with the wrong person.

I don't know what's up with Howard. He's been miserable all day.

Oh, they do. They're sometimes miserable all day.

With mine, it was on Tuesdays. Why Tuesdays? Mondays was washday.

Excuse me, but I still don't see why Mondays being washday

has to do with anybody always being miserable on Tuesdays.

You won't remember proper washdays.

You only had yourself to keep.

I had a house and a husband covered in traces of his hobby.

When they keep pigeons, that's a proper washday.

When we started out, the only washing machine we had was me.

You had to boil everything.

Every door and window open for the steam.

You try keeping an eye on your husband

when the door's open and you can't see him for steam.

Call me thick if you like, but I still don't see

why he was miserable on Tuesdays.

Because Mondays were such busy days,

it was Tuesday before I could get round to making sure he was miserable all day.

No wonder they look for those of us prepared to give aid and comfort.

Not when they've been through my Tuesdays.

Ah, ladies. There you are. Almost a quorum.

You'll be thrilled to hear that I'm hoping to start an evening class

devoted to the romantic novel,

and I'm looking for a few more... dedicated readers.

There! That's caught your interest.

Evening class?

Tuesdays. Seven till nine.

The romantic novel? Could I ask how much experience is required?

It will be suitable for beginners.

I think I'll wait for Intermediate. She's being modest.

She'll wait for Advanced.

Don't you have anything in home improvements and paper-hanging?

Oh, Mrs Batty.

This is food for the spirit, for the imagination!

Nourishment of the soul.

That won't take the blebs out of your wallpaper, will it?

What's up?

Hurry up, Howard. Get the uniform on. She could come back any minute.

We don't know if she's coming back this way!

They went out this way, so chances are they'll come back this way.

You ought to be ready, just in case.

What am I going to say to her about her getting married?

Ask her why you weren't invited. And can you bring Pearl?

And will it make any difference to your future relationship?

And does she happen to be marrying anybody that's good at repairing radiators?

You think it's funny, don't you? We think it has its amusing side.

What are you doing behind there? Get a move on. I'm coming, I'm coming.

I knew you'd hate it!

No, I love it. I absolutely love it.

You should always wear that - it's you.

Come on, Howard. It looks great. It has impact.

How do I explain to her about wearing this uniform?

Tell her it's for Robin Hood's birthday.

What's it got to do with Robin Hood's birthday?

Tell her you're chairman of the German branch of the Robin Hood Appreciation Society.

Tell her the truth. Tell her you're insane.

Tell her you're just wearing it till your suit comes back from the cleaners.

Tell her you've just been called up. For the First World War?

Tell her the post was late.

Oh, Barry! It's not that bad.

It doesn't even look right here, in all the greenery.

It's too loud even for springtime.

We walk back to the car and we get in the car and we drive home.

Who's going to see you?

Smile, Barry!

I'm waiting for that smile.

Was it something I said, Barry?

Howard? Oh, Marina. Do I gather there's someone else?

You look more like someone else than someone else.

He's defending the Kaiser. Isn't the Kaiser sort of...dead?

It's the thought that counts.

He'll be ready for the next Kaiser.

Is the Lady in White planning on marrying anybody with influence in radiator circles?

She's just rehearsing for tomorrow.

She shouldn't rush into these things.

Rush? She's over fifty.

Watch it, big mouth. I'm a young nearly forty.

She's just rehearsing for the opening of Auntie's Bridal Boutique.

I'm not getting married, Howard.

Not that I don't have several opportunities.

Oh, get in.

I like a happy ending.

Perhaps you could arrange one for my radiator.

Careful, Howard. You're not dressed for happy endings.

Don't take your helmet off. We don't want anybody sitting on that.

Not a happy ending.

Oh, Marina.

Oh, Howard.

Oh! Mind what you're doing with that sword.

MARCHING BAND MUSIC

BAND GO OUT OF TIME

Where's the cat? It's gone down.

How will we get down? We shouldn't be up. The cat should be up.

Well, it wouldn't come up, would it? We had to bring it up.

We're going to have to radio in.

We'll have to tell everybody we're stuck up a tree.

It was an act of mercy, wasn't it? We were rescuing the cat.

The lads'll take the wee wee. They'll call us the Airborne Squad.

Every year, I fire this arrow with a message on it.

"Happy Birthday, Robin Hood."

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