All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s23e08 Exercising Fathers Bicycle.eng

Hello.

Er, Mr Simmonite?

Oh, it's getting too big.
It's time you sold it.

Time I sold it?
Good lad! I do like a volunteer.

I'm going to be this area's
number one guide and native tracker.

I'm going to know every twig.

That'll be handy
if ever you need a twig.

"That Billy Hardcastle,"
they'll say, "knows every twig."

You've always known every twit.
Like attracts like.

Twig.

T-wi-g.

Here, animal tracks and signs.
I've been swotting up.

Show me any picture.

Ask me what it is. Go on.

Well, listen. Don't quote me on this.
I mean...

I realise it's highly unlikely,
but it...well, it...

..it looks like dung.

Nice dry bit, though.

It IS dung.

Yeah, er, how long have you been
collecting pictures of, er...?

Tha's got to know
what signs the animals leave.

You're not bringing your work home?
You're not carrying samples, are you, Billy?

They're all right -
keep 'em in a tin.

Yes, the thing that interests me
about this, Billy, is...

did you wash your hands?

I don't handle it.

I use a little wooden fork
tha gets from t'chippy.

Oh, that's a bit lace curtain
for the Last of the Mohicans.

I know. Call me a Jessie,
but I'm gonna be ready...

for when any call comes.

When the call comes?

He's got the animals ringing him up
to tell him where they've left it.

Tha'll not laugh when I'm known as
Hardcastle of the Hills.

Oh, I think a faint smile
is called for.

Tha's seen it on t'films.
Everybody hopelessly lost,

then out of t'jungle steps a figure
clad only in his handkerchief, and they're home and dry.

AA or RAC?

Billy! Promise me
you'll never step out round here clad only in your handkerchief.

Even your best handkerchief.

Think, Billy.
Where would you keep your tin?

Nesting or just resting before you
have to fly all the way to Africa?

He enquires hopefully.

I thought if I came up here to catch
your attention, if Pearl sees me, I can say I'm checking the slates.

Howard's got a slate loose.
Comes as no surprise to his friends.

I wonder if you'd do me
a little favour, Cleggy?

I don't talk to strange birds,
Howard.

Oh, don't be like that, Cleggy.

Tell him we'll keep him safe
from the neighbour's cat.

That's one creature I'm never
going to collect in my tin.

Keep him talking
while we nick his ladder.

Right, I'm looking you
straight in the beak now, Howard,

and I want a straight answer. What
is the nature of this help wanted?

Well, you're aware that sometimes
I bump into this certain young lady.

Lots of bumps under the bridge.

I wouldn't do anything
to offend the young lady. It's just that circumstances arose

in which I had to throw her
over this wall.

I can understand how she might
take exception to that.

It was an emergency.
There was somebody coming.

Could somebody explain to her
that it's the kind of thing I'd only do in extreme situations.

Sorry, Howard, but I have this rule.

I never get involved with ladies
who get thrown over walls.

Mr Simmonite?

The hut behind you.

Go straight in.

Thanks.

Go straight in.
He's not one for ceremony.

CHICKENS SQUAWK

Do you think it's significant
that we know all these barmpots?

Some perched on roofs,
some crawling about in fields.

Obviously our kind of people.

Fox.

Although admittedly he's not the
kind of person you could cheerfully share his packed lunch with.

Speaking of our affinity for
barmpots, here's young Simmonite. And badly out of breath.

You're not dying,
or anything inconsiderate, are you?

I'm not dying. I've just been in a
hurry. Some persistent headbanger's under the impression I owe money.

Just like his father.
Do you think so?

Oh, I wish I'd known him.
That's what they all said.

Who said?
The people he owed the money to.

What's he doing on his knees?

He's studying
to become an expert in dung.

He collects animal droppings.

Is there any money in it?
It's more of a hobby.

They say my father was barmy.
They were right. He WAS barmy, and I have every hope and confidence

that wherever he is,
he's still barmy.

In what way was he barmy?
What did he used to do? Anything.

Often by bicycle. Renowned for his
skill on a bicycle. And funny women.

Especially that old bicycle. He used
to say a bicycle is like a violin.

The old ones give
the best performance. "My old bike," he'd say, "is like a Stradivarius."

I don't suppose it's worth as much.
He wouldn't part with it. You're kidding!

No. There wasn't much your father
couldn't do with that old bicycle.

Could have been in the circus.

And often, when you were with him,
it felt as though it was.

GROWLING

Billy's found something.

I say, petal.

It's me, love.

What are you doing up there?

I thought I'd just check the slates.

You dozy beggar!
You're not reliable on the ground, never mind going astronaut.

I seem to have lost a ladder.
Would you mind looking for a ladder?

How can you lose a ladder? It was
easy. I think it's been stolen.

There's more to this than slates.
You've been up to something.

It's quite uncomfortable up here.

Aye, it looks as though it might be.

It just goes to show.
There's always a bright side.

Aren't you going to help me down?

You what?
When for once I know where you are?

I nearly threw it out.
Would have been a shame.

Your father could do everything
with that bike but make it talk.

It squeaked so much
I thought it COULD talk.

Hey-up!
There's some droppings down here.

Finders keepers.
All yours, with our compliments.

Just imagine.
Me father famous on that old bike.

You shouldn't wind him up.
Oh, I don't know.

He's enjoying it. Makes him
feel closer to his old man.

Hey-up, chaps, have a look at this.

Mr Simmonite?

We were just talking about him.

Oh, yes? He's dead.

Dead?

Oh, dear,
I'm very sorry to hear that.

My clients'll be very sorry
to hear that.

Excuse me.

Thanks, fellas.

You've challenged somebody to a duel?

The mortgage advisor. Oh, Barry!
What if he puts our repayments up?

It's got nothing to do
with the mortgage.

It's a...personal matter.

You're both in love
with the same woman.

I bet it's her
with the leather skirt. Oh, Barry!

The road to dirty sinks
is filled with leather skirts.

You won't be happy with a dirty sink.
It's nothing to do with a woman.

It's a...

something deeply personal.

Are you going to stop torturing me,
Barry, and tell me what it is?

He laughs at me laptop.

I love that laptop. It's not as fast
as his, but it corners better.

I've got spreadsheets to die for.

I'll tell me mother. I don't care.

Well, you usually do. Look,
this is a matter of honour, Glenda.

I've issued a challenge, slapped him
with a glove. He's accepted.

We're bound by historical bonds to
settle this matter once and for all.

So that's where your other glove is.
I could've sworn I brought it back.

You're always looking for excitement,
Barry.

We're just back from Cleethorpes!

I will admit a man needs
a spark of danger in his life.

He needs a sense
of living on the edge. Oh, Barry!

He needs to gamble occasionally
with disaster.

You're not really going
to tell your mother, are you?

RATTLING

Where did he find that?

Funny you should say that.
It's what me mam said when she saw the lady who became my wife.

It's his father's old bike. He's
riding it for sentimental reasons.

Couldn't he find quieter reasons?
Sets your teeth on edge.

So, naturally, we thought of you.
Flatterer.

We can apply oil, but at the end of
the day it's still a tatty old bike.

To the eye and ear maybe,
but his father could perform wonders on this bicycle.

As several ladies could testify.

My old dad. Bit like that, eh?
Let's just say that he found life very wearing on his trousers.

Your father was a romantic.
He loved all the things in life that were no good for your trousers.

Beyond that, our lips are sealed.

When have yours ever been sealed?
It's not always me.

It's an echo. (Echo, echo.)

Whilst you're at it, Wesley, the
brakes aren't too clever. Brakes?

Your father never had any brakes. All
his life, your father went brakeless.

He wasn't a stopping sort of person.
He was more your galloper.

And he's dead. Which says something.
Give the lad some brakes, Wesley.

Are you going to die
or are you going to buy?

I'll be all right in a minute,
Auntie.

Are you sure? If there's any doubt,
let's get the buying done first.

I've been on a roof all morning.
I think I've got altitude sickness.

Altitude sickness? What have I got
for altitude sickness?

How about a footstool? You can't get
much lower than a footstool.

I know what I want. A small gift
for a certain young lady. All perfectly harmless.

But I think I'm under suspicion,
so I can't deliver it in person.

I wondered if you would undertake
to make a delivery at three o'clock in the park

to a young lady
who'll be waiting by the duck pond.

I can attend to that. No problem.
In absolute confidence, of course.

That'll be extra. I'll have to go.
I'm under suspicion already.

Just choose something
small and personal.

Like one single flower. These
little things can mean so much.

It doesn't sound like much to me.
Something a young lady would like.

For delivery in the park,
at three o'clock, near the duck pond. No problem.

You're a life-saver. Oh, don't say
that, or that'll be extra too.

What kind of things did me dad do,
then?

What I remember most was the way
he'd swing himself into the saddle.

He was great at that.
We all admired that. Saw it once in a cowboy film and that was that.

Bicycles in a cowboy film?

Well, no. It was a horse, actually.

And that had no brakes either.

It was a fancy horse-move
your father adapted for the bicycle.

He used to run alongside the bicycle
until he got up a fair speed and then leap into the saddle.

The Compo flying start -
a thing of beauty.

You have to bear in mind what a lot
of things there are to get exactly right on such a small saddle.

His father could do it,
he can do it - it's in his genes.

If he gets it wrong, he'll be only
too aware of what's in his jeans.

I wish tha'd shut up. Me cringe
reflexes are coming out in sympathy.

Don't put him off. At this point,
he needs encouragement.

Have you ever thought of
lying for a living?

Most of the jobs are already filled.

Off you go, then! It's too late
to start being sensible now.

How can a bloke run?
The pedals get in the way.

Nobody said it was easy.

I'll get the hang of it. I will.
I'm sure he'd want me to try.

Will somebody tell me
what he used to do about this?

Exactly what you're doing.

You see, you're getting it already.

The lad's a natural.

How long does one keep them
on the roof?

You have to judge when it's
the right time. How do you do that? Is there a code of practice?

Probably a European regulation.

As a rough guide, I'm inclined to
leave them till they change colour.

They go from dusky pink toward blue.

Once they go blue,
it's time to bring 'em down.

Howard must look terrible blue. He
doesn't look that good dusky pink.

They go some funny colours. They're
never any good under pressure.

They're not so hot
when things are slack.

Excuse me,
I wonder if you ladies could help.

As long as you don't start
changing colour. Colour?

What she means is, are you inclined
to turn a funny colour?

You don't have to answer if
you think it might incriminate you.

You've heard that unfounded rumour
about Mrs Muscroft.

He's changing colour now, look.
At least it's not blue.

I've no reason to change colour.
I deny changing colour.

They can't see it from their side.

I'm here in all innocence
looking for Mr Simmonite, having been misinformed that he's dead.

Never mind him. What's this
about you and Mrs Muscroft?

It's all right you lot giggling.

Better than being like you, in pain.
Don't begrudge us our simple pleasures, Tom.

It's workshare. Thee do the pain,
we do the giggling.

I don't see YOU jumping on a moving
saddle. Don't think we couldn't.

These legs are no strangers
to a moving saddle. They look strange enough from here.

That's just the outside. On the
inside they're perfectly normal legs.

I don't see you lot volunteering
to show me how. Stand back!

Stand back, while I fling
these legs over a moving bicycle.

We used to be able to do it. We used
to be able to touch our toes.

Though I never understood
why it was a priority.

Where's our Barry fighting this
duel? Our Barry fighting a duel?

Bear with him.
He'll be with us in a moment.

You must admit,
it doesn't sound like your Barry.

What're they using - ballpoints at 20
paces? Wipe that grin off your face. Your daughter's worried.

SHE worries
if he ties his own shoelaces.

Is it love or incompetence?

Mine's not so bad at tying shoelaces,

but then he's not so far to go
as many another.

We'd better get the car and look for
him. I'd rather be fighting a duel.

It must be safer than sitting
at the back of some cars.

Oh, that's better.

That's taken the pain away.

Where's that bicycle?
I'm ready to go.

I once had to undo a Mrs Liversidge.

I wouldn't know where to start.

She was chained to some railings.
Oh, that Mrs Liversidge? Oh!

Is he in a fit state, do you think,
to be running with a bicycle?

I shall investigate.

Where's he gone?

Ah, I did it!

I leapt into a moving saddle.

Of course, he could be lying.

Did you check if Mr Liversidge
had chained her to the railings?

He had a good alibi.
She was a widow.

Well, come on, then.
Tell me what me dad used to do next.

He used to fold his arms.
Just like a Russian dancer.

Right.

Just like a BAD Russian dancer.

Oh!

Oh, Barry! Can't you just not go?

Oh, how can I? I challenged him
in front of the entire office.

He accepted in the presence
of the lady who's about to become the second Mrs Mortgage Advisor.

We can't back out now. Barry! I hope
you'll not be using anything sharp.

Mr Hardcastle is going to supervise.
We're not fools.

We shall be hitting each other with
quarterstaffs. Isn't that dangerous?

Of course it's dangerous! That's
what duels are for. It's all right for men. Going off for adventure.

It's women who have to sit at home
and weep. You don't have to weep.

I shall be back for tea time.

Shouldn't you be wearing a helmet
or something? Not till I get there!

Kiss me, Barry, and then go.

And don't look back.

Oh, Barry!

Oh.

I might even be back
BEFORE tea time.

Oh, go on. Come on.

Excuse me. I wonder if you can help
me. I'm looking for Mr Simmonite.

Would you bear with us a moment,
sir.

He's got feathers in his hair.

So? Should we be standing talking to
people with feathers in their hair?

What do you want us to do,
circle the wagons?

I'm sorry, sir, I have to ask you
to assume that you haven't seen us.

It's a confusing town, is this.
It has a personality all of its own. Could I ask why I haven't seen you?

We're undercover.

But you're in uniform.

That's the beauty of it, sir.
Nobody spots us being undercover when we're in uniform.

You could understand this place
better if it had a great big wall all round it. I'll bet he's not dead.

I don't believe he's dead.
I never thought he was.

Just a bit slow at starting.
Sorry, I didn't realise I was speaking out loud.

No need to apologise. I've grown
accustomed to the odd ways of men.

They're certainly an odd lot round
here. Have you had a bad experience?

Yes, thank you. I've no time
for another. I'm looking for someone.

Aren't we all?

He used to jump a wall
on his bicycle?

Sometimes
he'd jump the wall on his bicycle.

Quite often, he used to run
INTO the wall on his bicycle,

then sail OVER the wall
without his bicycle.

It gets worse. When did he do this?

At times like this,
when he'd just left the pub. They say alcohol gives you a lift.

So what you're saying is, my old dad
died before he ever grew up.

Yes, yes.

He timed it very nicely.

Off you go, little daring person.
A good long run and plenty of speed.

Have you ever done this?
No, but he's UNDONE a Mrs Liversidge.

YOU wanted to do what your father
used to do. I was thinking more of beer and funny women.

A good run
and start way back up there.

We'll give thee a signal.

Look out! Here he comes.

What's that he's got on his face?

At least Billy keeps his in a tin.

I wonder if this tall person
has the time.

Are you waiting for a certain
gentleman who must remain anonymous?

Waiting? I've been waiting for ages.
So long that anyone less faithful might be open to alternative offers.

Well, he sends his apology, cos
he's unable to attend personally,

but he hopes you'll accept his gift
of a single bloom.

How thoughtful! Where is it?

I'll show you.

At the risk of sounding negative,
I'd say we've lost him.

Oh, we haven't lost him. We just
don't know where he is, that's all.

That's a relief. Not that
he's speeding. He just hasn't been off-road as often as us.

Stop nit-picking. We've been
on the road most of the time.

They say bouncing about's good
for your kidneys. Personally I'd like to know where my kidneys are.

Your kidneys sound a lot like
my Howard.

Oh, I say! I'm sure I saw
Barry's car in that field.

Right, then.
Let's have a bit of "Have at thee!"

I want you to meet together
in the middle of the plank.

Watch this!
This should be worth seeing.

Right, then.

I want a good, clean duel.
First one to draw blood wins.

I wish he hadn't said that.

Go on, then, go on.

Parry, Barry!

Go on, Barry, that's it. ..Wait
for it, some idiot always falls in.

How come she was chaining herself to
railings? It seemed rude to enquire.

Pity! It might have been some sort
of club the missus could've joined.

Bring your own railings. I could have
bought her some. For her birthday.

Ah, I think that's sweet.

If you keep spoiling her,
she's always going to be difficult.

That's true.

Let her buy her own railings.

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