Original subtitles

I respect your desire for adventure

but couldn't we do it together?

We used to do things together.

I still got the marks.

Potts...? Where are you Potts...?!

Why does he need to go to the South Pole,

we could have seperate bedrooms.

Take a break, Wesley.

You must bang your head a lot, living underthere.

Only when some twank blowns me horn.

Did we startle thee, Wesley? -I don't startle, I'm shock proof.

Ah, thats what Hans Dieter Schmitt thought.

Who's he when he's at home?

A tinkerer with German automobiles.

A lot like you,

your overalls could've been twins.

Of course he was more handsome, untill it happend,

Untill what happend? -Tell him, Glegg what happend.

I thought you where going to tell him.

I get too emotional.

I always confuse the bit about the last words of the dying VAT inspector.

Its the orphan in the snowstorm, that gets to me.

Is somebody going to tell it?

It was a stormy night in December. Hans Dieter.. uuh

Schmitt. -Schmitt.

Was renovating this old vehicle.

What make?

Does it matter what make?

Ofcourse it matters!

BMW. -Wich model?

Do you mind?

It was St Marlene's eve,

a night, notorious throughout the fatherland for weird goings-on.

A lot like karaoke-night, at that pub in Dembystreet.

What was wrong with it?

The beer for a start.

Not the pub, the BMW!

I'm glad you asked that question.

Why i'm glad you asked that question is because it confirms my theory

That no matter what you are doing,

theres always some chuff who keeps interrupting!

I can't connect to this story

until I know what he was doing.

He was prepairing it for resale. Not like you wih a big hammer.

This was basicly a cosmetic job.

So, there was Hans Dieter, trying to remove from the interior lining

all the marks from those clouds of self-importance

wich ubscure the vision of BMW owners

and make them such bad drivers.

Youre pulling me handbrake, aren't ya.?

You haven't heard the best bit yet,

where the wolf arrives.

A wolf, Wesley, on st Marlene's eve. Bad news.

So why don't we continue this story when you give us a lift

to some congenial spot inside a pleasant pub somewhere.

So thats what all this is about.

You could join us, if you wipe your seat afterwards.

And sit there, drinking orange juice, watching you lot get dafter?

Not only shockproof, but prejudiced against orange juice!

Sounds reasonable to me!

You see, if I say to Pearl, "I'm going fishing on my own,"

You know what they are like, she'll get suspicious.

Howard, not only wil I turn up dressed for fishing,

but I quarantee to bring several others in fishable condition...

Great.

who will require beer money and a packed lunch.

We're talking a upper limit of three. No more then three.

tree is good.

We'll create the right impression with three. You'll enjoy it.

It'll feel as if your throwing a little party.

It feels as if i'm throwing a lot of money around.

Oh, there's more to life then golf, Barry.

I bet there's an afterlife.

I bet heaven's studded with tasteful little 18-holers.

self adjusted grass, keeps itself up to optimum height.

And I bet, the first person I meet, is our captain.

Next thing you know, he'll be throwing me out up there.

The captain didn't throw you out down here.

-He gave me that look.. What look?

Oh, he's got two. One is "Who is that twonk?"

And the other is: "I don't wish to see this person ever again."

And I got both.

you've still got me.

And a full set of clubs we'll have to be really inventive to find a use for.

Oh, Barry. if you cast your mind back

I'm sure you'll remember some little activity you always enjoyed.

I cleaned the car.

You remember when we were called up for a medical?

That was very embarrissing.

Four hundred civilians, naked in a room.

You could'nt tell who was officer material.

You don't know what embarrising is,

until you shared a phone booth with a suspect

while undercover in the vice squad.

well, couldn't you dial 999?

Daren't let go with eighter hands.

I was once giving this exhibition of archery to a group of senior citizens

The social services were trying to wean them away from boose

and their addiction to woman.

Well; it came to my attension, there was this hole in me tights.

-I see, when he gives an exhibiton, he really gave an exhibiton!

It wasn't that much of a hole.

I bet it wasn't that much of an exhibiton.

I shall now retire wounded.

Kindley address al further communications through my sollicitor.

Where was this exhibition?

Just above the kneecap and growing draughtier by the minute.

One more strenuous pull on the bow,

and I could've had a ladder ending up not far short of my earhole.

And, taking some very funny shortcuts on the way.

Anyway, what happend when the wolf came on st Marlene's eve?

Why are you asking me? We where making it up!

I know, but i got interrested. -We'll tell you some other time.

You promise? -Promise.

Don't look now, but I think we may have stumbled

on the ladies branche of the French Forreign Legion.

I say, you there..

Ayup, the authentic tones of the domineering female.

I bet she'd be impressive in riot gear.

you look like natives.

Tell her we are not going to carry her luggage through rivers and swamps.

Indigenous species. You must know the topography.

Have you seen Potts? Oh, come on, shape up!

Don't just stare at eachother. Have you seen Potts?

Pots of what?

Is it Roman fragments?

They didn't linger up here. Whole legions went rusty.

My husband, Lothar Potts. Potts of the South Pole.

Oh, that Potts.

You've never heard of him. Oh, that's all right.

He hasn't been there yet, but he insists on going, damn fool!

He's retired, you see.

He's supposed to be up here somewhere training.

He says he's going fishing.

Ooh, I knew a fisherman once, but you can never rest easy

once you've seen what they're in the habbit of handling.

In Howards case I'd say thats a very fair summary.

Is he of a sporting nature?

Well, he always blushes when he lies. I think that shows a sence of fair play.

No, the're not good liars.

I think its the strain of trying to be that sends them back to theire wifes.

How long has he been interested in fishing?

Since I confiscated his bicycle.

Do you ever feel you ought to give him the benefit of the doubt?

Oh, I sometimes feel I ought to..

Then I fight it. -I think youre wise.

Altough, don't listen to me, I'm no authority on wise.

I'm the fool that used to believe what her husband told me.

My only excuse was they wearen't mine.

Anyway, there are good, sound reasons for being suspicious

about his sudden urge for fish.

One: there's no chips. And two...

Gone, you see. out somewhere building up his stamina.

Question is, in wich direction?

Are any of you people trackers?

Well, he is a bit that way.

She said TRACKERS. -Oh, trackers.

Maybe he got sidetracked. There's a little pub downyonder,

although its been done up worse than the landlady.

No, I don't think so. Potts is immoveable in persuit of his goal.

Right, here is our plan.

I stay here, in case he returns, while you three go and find him.

How does that sound? -Like an order.

Nonsence, you are all vollunteers. Off you go!

Don't you think we ought to have an discription?

If pressed, I describe you as willing, but with learning difficulties.

Not us, madam, your husband. What does he look like?

Stoutish chap, you can't miss him, I never do. Anymore questions? Yes?

If its the South Pole, why are you dresses for the upper Zambezie?

I was hoping to turn his mind to something more tropical.

If only he'd go somewhere warmer, I'd go with him.

Right, off you go! Come along!

She reminds me of a certain female police sergeant

who once claimed sexual herassment

and everybody laughd.

I expect if you are married to her,

the South Pole looks les hostile than it does to the rest of us.

What happend to the wolf?

Fishing?

Scientists have proven the most effictive way

to wean yourself from golf, is to go fishing.

And it so happens, that Old Father Thames here is planning a little fishing party.

From wich I may have to slip away in the event of a phonecall.

I can't go fishing, I'm taking Glenda shopping.

You like shopping? -I hate shopping.

Welcome aboard, Barry.

You've not been handling those little wriggly things, have ya?

Only this one.

I've lived in this part of the world all my live

and I have still no idea wich way to go when looking for polar explorers.

I think the South Pole is that way.

What? Towards Barnsley? -I never knew that.

You'd have to be soft to believe there were any polar explorers around here.

Its just a wild guess, but...

-Potts. ...of the South Pole.

I say, you people! Are you alone?

Whats he on about? There's three of us. Its him thats alone!

I admit, superficiually, I may resemble Potts the Polar explorer,

but the evidence, i assure you, is entirely circumstansial.

Is she with you, my wife Delphi?

She's at the tent. She's not moving from the tent.

Ah, Ah, the blessed relieve!

Would you be so kind as to give me a hand with this lot?

I heard you coming, I thought she might be with you.

Thou must be warm in that lot. -Warm?

Think bed and breakfast in Bangkok, dear boy!

So, youre sure she is staying at the tent? Staying as in "not moving?"

Its the plan. -The plan! The plan!

Oh, it sounds like Delphi, she's always got a plan. Love her to bits.

Love her to bits. Just can't live with the woman.

What was she wearing?

Safari gear. -The Africa ploy again.

You know, she has this fetish about the two of us together

under the one mosquito net.

She's even rigged up a monsoon simulator

in the conservatory back home.

Recorded jungle sounds, and one live, mouldy parakeet,

who's drunk and swinging upside down halve the time.

Oh, parakeets drink? I never knew that!

This one does, I made sure of that.

Its the only way to keep them quiet. Pickled parakeet!

Speaking of wich, would you gentleman care to join me in a snifter?

We were just heading that way. There's a little place down the valley.

No need to go that far. Follow me.

Who did he say he was going fishing with?

The boys..

Thats a funny name for what just past us on a bicycle.

I've heard her called funnier than that.

When the boys call for me, tell them i've gone ahead to study the water.

The boys? He thinks I were born yesterday.

He must think, the "W" in wife stands for "Witless".

Good day to you, ladies.

Just come to collect Sanders of the River there.

Fishing party, Forward!

Eightor he's getting better at lying, or I'm slipping.

It makes you feel quite nostalgic, doesn't it?

For what?

Oh, for the days when there often seemed to be leggs waving in the air.

Mainly mine..

So, whatever happend to the wolf?

They never got that far.

Not got that far yourself, Pottsy, South Pole wise.

This is as far as I'm going.

I trust that will remain our little secret, gentleman.

Actually, you know, I'm quite enjoying this polar training.

I'm not suprised, the way you do it. Thou does thyself very well, pottsy.

A chap can't spend all his time in a tent up some lonely crag, you know.

Still, its a bit extreme,

trianing for the South Pole just to avoid your wife.

Selfpreservation. If I hang about at home

she's threatening to put the magic back into our marriage.

Oh, you poor devil. -it makes the blood run cold.

Don't give up hope, maybe you'll get killed or something.

Thank you, your sympathy at this time is most touching.

Aurora Borealis!

Trust you lot to be roughing it out here.

Courtecy of our friend, Potts, polar explorer. -Trainee.

-Polar explorer?

Thas a bigger whopper then some of mine.

I'd no idea they trained on wine.

I'd thought of anti-freeze or something.

You train your way, and I'll train on mine!

Is he a good polar explorer?

He's a bit picky, isn't he?

Its allright, he's outgrown his I.Q.

Mr. potts needs a good story to account for his absence,

before he can face his missus.

I know the feeling.

He's supposed to be in a tent, roughing it.

Oh, God, don't remind me!

I'll have to go back to her.. she'll be waiting.

And you need an excuse for your absence.

You've been looking for your dogteam, something to pull your sledge.

What a gift for sneaky this man has.

I'd probbebly find you a nice little dogteam if the price was right.

You find me right excuse, the price will be right.

I tought we were going fishing. -You got enough cover.

I never thought your Glenda would have marital problems.

I don't think she has.

I think she's just over-reacting because Barry's gone fishing.

Because he doesn't usually go fishing.

Still, it'll be good practice for her in case he ever does get up to no good.

Exactly, because you have to work at a marriage.

And being craftier then a male is the best way you can look after him.

Judging by the males i meet, it can't be all that difficult.

No, they are usually not very bright.

How do i look?

He'll think its just another fisherman walking up the riverbank.

Do you think i've been too hard on my Barry?

Have I broken his spirit with too much shopping?

oh, don't worry love, they're very resilliant.

First sniff of summit they fancy,

they can shed misery like a duck sheds water.

You saw Delphi. -Your missus?

What do you think?

You'd be damn glad she was there if you were ever burgled.

She's a comfort in that respect.

Lets think this trough. If she's so keen on restoring the magic,

I'd say there's a clue here somewhere.

I think she's after a second honeymoon.

I never had to.

I never had one, really. It was raining.

I remember starting our honeymoon with one of them nighties

built for display perposes.

But she was in pyamas and bedsocks by the end of the week.

Delphi's got these enormous... This nightie thing with little flowers.

In poorer countries, it would accomodate

three families in comfort.

I don't think I ever saw what mine wore.

She was a great one for saving electricity.

I hate delphi, really. Every time she opens her mouth

I have an irresistible urge to post a letter.

I say, you there, fishing chappie!

Chappie? I may not be 16 anymore

but I have nothing that wobbles in a masculine manner.

Oh, I didn't realise you were a tart.

But ofcourse, i didn't mean tart. I mean... modern female person.

You can't go around, mistaken girlish attractiveness for tarty.

Not easy, they are so damn close.

You could use a bit yourself.

Tell me honestley, how do I look?

Terrible. Where's your husband?

Out, training for the South Pole.

I'm not surprised.

You think thats it? You think he finds me unatractive?

Whats his vision like with glasses? -Quite good.

I rest my case.

Well, come inside, why don't ya? No need to hang about out there.

I've got a big order for you, but its going to test your ingenuity.

Try me.

I want about ten Huskies and a dogsledge.

I wish you'd said something earlier, I've just sold the last one.

Now, lets think around this a minute.

Does it have to be ten Huskies and a sled?

Would the party accept an alternative? -Such as what?

How are they for coffeetables?

I think thats a terrifying thing to be expected to do at his age.

There's probbebly a Mcdonalds there now. -I don't mean the South Pole.

I mean being expected to have a second honeymoon.

But it's a great incentive for going to the South Pole.

Maybe thats why they went, those intrepid explorers.

Is that why we had an empire?

It was eighter that or staying at home and having a second honeymoon.

I think the time has come for you to decide

wether you're going to face the South Pole

or the second honeymoon.

I wonder if he had any luck with those dogs?

I thought there might be more fisherman then there seems to be.

And no prizes for quessing who.

Oh, you don't do it like that!

?And more? ?Much more then this?

?i did it my way?

I suppose I ought to go and see Delphi.

I believe I shall run all the way

arrive breathless as if from intensive training.

Whats old Potts doing?

I think he said intensive training.

Ayub! Somebody's been lifting a few.

Youre dogteam awaits, Your Lordship.

You woulden't have a cup of tea on you, would you?

So we were wondering if you could do anything appearance-wise

with my friend here.

Its been a big day for challenges.

I'd uh.. I'd like to look more like this tart.. Uh, this lady here.

We can't expect miracles overnight.

Well, not all the way like it.. I mean, just a nod in that direction.

oh, let me see now. what have I got in big nods?

Look at that, now thats what I call "looking the part".

Thats it! Potts of the South Pole! He's cracked it!

When he turns up at the tent looking this good

Mrs Potts is going to be mightily impressed.

I'll be impressed if he stayes upright.

He's doing well, he hasn't fallen down recently.

The dogs look worse then he does.

He'd be better off with Delphi.

Well, I like a happy ending.

Right, of you go then!

Mushhh.

They're Yorkshire Huskies, Mr Potts. Try something with a local flavour.

Mushi Peass.

Give it a push!

I hope there's a friendly face behind that umbrella.

Oh, Mari...

Pearl?!

I was..., I was indifferent myself.

Yes... Yes.

Going somewhere.. Lothar?

Delphi??

I could come with you, Lothar.

Oh, God!

Think about it, Pottsy. Thou'll need somebody to pull.

Thou's just lost thy dogteam.

I should've thought of it before.

Oh, Lothar, The South Pole can be our second honeymoon.

But its dark for months at a time

I couldn't stand six months of that nighty with the... little flowers.

oh, you should've said.

If I promisse to try something less like an anorak,

would you drop the Pole and settle for a few days in Bognor?

How much less like an anorak?

radically!

No bed socks? -No bed socks!

I like the dress.

I hoped you might.

Bit tarty... MMM -suits you!

oh, really,.. Lothar..

Shan't be needing these, old boy.

I'll be up later.

After you, my dear. -No, after you, darling.

Here we go!

Oh, it looks like he's got his legs back.

More than that! -poor old Potts!

I wonder if he last two minutes under extreme conditions.

And the South Pole wouldn't be any better!

What happened to the wolf?

Ate the VAT inspector.

He volunteered!

We think it was just a ploy for sympathy.

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