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1
00:00:45,460 --> 00:00:49,820
Ey up, Nora. Tha's gonna have
to do summat about them stockings.
2
00:00:49,820 --> 00:00:52,980
It's like looking at
Venetian blinds.
3
00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:56,940
What are you doing creeping up on
people to talk about their legs?
4
00:00:56,940 --> 00:00:58,960
You've no right!
5
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:03,300
What's a handsome lass like thee
doing wearing puttees?
6
00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:05,560
Listen who's talking!
7
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:09,600
I wouldn't mind, but you look like
the star turn on Guy Fawke's Night.
8
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:14,160
You're always perfectly dressed
for the top of a bonfire.
9
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,320
Tha fancies me, really, though.
Fancy you?
10
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:21,680
I wouldn't even notice you
if you weren't a nuisance.
11
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:26,900
That's because tha never pays
attention to me right profile.
12
00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:31,760
Wait! All right, then. All right...
I'll upgrade me aftershave.
13
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:33,600
Oh...
14
00:01:45,580 --> 00:01:47,900
Ah, morning, Howard!
15
00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:50,320
Has Pearl got you started early,
16
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,500
or have you been there
since last night?
17
00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:56,300
What's it like to be free, Cleggy?
18
00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:58,120
Free?
19
00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:02,640
Sometimes I think I'm just a
plaything of Foggy Dewhurst.
20
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:06,860
Anyway, you don't do too badly
considering. It's not easy.
21
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:09,780
Pearl's got radar.
22
00:02:09,780 --> 00:02:12,540
Pearl's got a what?
23
00:02:13,660 --> 00:02:16,600
A radiant smile.
24
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:22,020
I was just telling Cleggy
how you've got a radiant smile...
25
00:02:22,020 --> 00:02:24,860
when you bother to use it.
26
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:30,700
How come you never smile these days
when you look at me?
27
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:32,240
Smile?
28
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,140
Because I'm too busy giggling!
29
00:02:35,140 --> 00:02:38,160
You look hilarious
in a chilly bathroom.
30
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:43,020
See what I mean? What do you do?
31
00:02:43,020 --> 00:02:45,080
Well, for a start,
32
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:49,500
when Pearl is around I should
keep out of chilly bathrooms.
33
00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:54,380
SLURP!
34
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:57,400
SLU-U-URP!
35
00:03:00,860 --> 00:03:02,920
Very musical, that(!)
36
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:06,840
I wouldn't mind if just
occasionally he changed the tune.
37
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:11,100
I wouldn't mind if he played it
somewhere else!
38
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:13,380
Ey up! Somebody else in a bad mood.
39
00:03:13,380 --> 00:03:15,420
Who else is in a bad mood?
40
00:03:15,420 --> 00:03:17,920
Oh, Nora Batty's none too happy.
41
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:23,000
Nora Batty none too happy?
There's news for us all(!)
42
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:27,020
Nora wasn't built for happiness.
Her generation weren't.
43
00:03:27,020 --> 00:03:30,340
They were made to depress you.
44
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:32,380
She wants cheering up.
45
00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:34,980
SLURP!
46
00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:36,920
How?
47
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:40,980
Are you going to take your musical
instrument and slurp for her?
48
00:03:40,980 --> 00:03:43,120
I know how to cheer up women.
49
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:47,760
Don't tell me! I'm not ready
for secrets like that.
50
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,020
They like to feel attractive.
51
00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:53,380
You've just got to make them
feel attractive.
52
00:03:53,380 --> 00:03:56,440
They can't resist it.
Watch this, son.
53
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,440
IVY: Oh...
54
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,080
Get out!
55
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,640
Sit down, you barnpot.
56
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:12,620
Oh, Norman... Norman...
57
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:15,060
I've passed me peak.
58
00:04:16,220 --> 00:04:18,440
Me peak's passed!
59
00:04:21,180 --> 00:04:26,800
"I wouldn't even notice thee,"
she said, "If tha weren't such a nuisance."
60
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,920
Some people might think that
a blessing.
61
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:35,900
Her husband spent years trying
not to be noticed by Nora Batty.
62
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:40,400
But me and her have always had
this special relationship.
63
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,660
She thinks you're a lunatic.
64
00:04:42,660 --> 00:04:45,740
That's better than being
not noticed.
65
00:04:45,740 --> 00:04:49,300
Do shut up about it.
It's all right for thee -
66
00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:52,640
tha's not losing
tha sexual magnetism.
67
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,560
I don't want to start losing it now.
68
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:59,480
I'm not the age
for losing me sexual magnetism.
69
00:05:08,780 --> 00:05:11,720
Oh, cheer up, for goodness sake!
70
00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:15,640
Why don't we go for a good,
brisk routemarch.
71
00:05:18,820 --> 00:05:21,000
Well, a spot of rifle drill, then.
72
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,800
Get the old adrenaline flowing.
73
00:05:25,340 --> 00:05:29,760
Oh, talk to yourself, Dewhurst.
It's all right for thee.
74
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,040
Just because Nora's in a bad mood
75
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:36,060
doesn't mean you've lost all your
fatal attraction for women.
76
00:05:36,060 --> 00:05:38,240
Does tha think so, Norm?
77
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:42,280
Don't encourage him - he never had
any fatal attraction for women.
78
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:45,980
Rubbish! I were dynamite.
Well, you've burnt out your fuse.
79
00:05:45,980 --> 00:05:50,920
No, I haven't.
I'll show thee I've still got it.
80
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,080
Magnetism.
81
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,400
You're sure it's not rheumatism?
82
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,460
No, it isn't.
83
00:05:57,460 --> 00:06:01,820
And I am going to give that barmaid
in there a little taste.
84
00:06:04,820 --> 00:06:06,620
You'll only get into trouble.
85
00:06:06,620 --> 00:06:09,240
Trouble? That's my middle name, son.
86
00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:13,000
If I'm not back in three hours,
don't worry.
87
00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:18,140
She's a terrible-looking barmaid.
88
00:06:18,140 --> 00:06:20,280
He might do all right.
89
00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:24,300
She's not that terrible.
90
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:27,180
SHOUTING
91
00:06:27,180 --> 00:06:29,780
Oi! Go on!
92
00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:37,860
Did you tell him "trouble"
was your middle name?
93
00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:46,280
It's not a good idea.
94
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:50,440
It's bad tactics - it's not
the time for a frontal assault.
95
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:55,060
It's time for the last test. I'm
gonna find out if me magic's gone.
96
00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:57,620
I call this "doing it the hard way".
97
00:06:57,620 --> 00:06:59,680
No messing about.
98
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:04,460
She is going to get the full power.
No half measures. The full blast!
99
00:07:10,340 --> 00:07:12,440
What do you want?
100
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:16,680
Oh, get away, you daft devil.
Have you gone funny?
101
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:21,120
Stop arguing and give us a kiss!
Aaargh! He has! He's gone funny.
102
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:25,420
Here - take him away!
See if you can have him seen to.
103
00:07:25,420 --> 00:07:26,980
Nora...
104
00:07:28,140 --> 00:07:30,340
Didn't you feel anything?
105
00:07:30,340 --> 00:07:32,400
Three days growth of beard.
106
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:35,900
Have a shave and get some buttons
on your shirt.
107
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:02,100
So where on Earth
do you think you're going?
108
00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:03,900
Anywhere.
109
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,800
Well, you're too old
for the Foreign Legion.
110
00:08:08,740 --> 00:08:11,900
I'm gonna look for a bit
of solitude, Norm.
111
00:08:11,900 --> 00:08:13,900
Anywhere where there's nobody.
112
00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:16,720
Oh, Mablethorpe.
113
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,100
Yeah, but...
114
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:20,380
What about your ferret?
115
00:08:20,380 --> 00:08:22,480
Oh, I'm gonna take me ferret.
116
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:26,340
I wouldn't go anywhere without me
lucky ferret. Lucky ferret?
117
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:29,780
It's magic what a difference
a ferret can make.
118
00:08:29,780 --> 00:08:32,440
Yes, yes... I can see that(!)
119
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:36,700
I don't know why you're taking
all this so seriously.
120
00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:41,100
Cos it is serious to me.
I think we ought to talk about it.
121
00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:43,260
Nope! Me mind's made up.
122
00:08:43,260 --> 00:08:45,260
Made up.
123
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:56,320
No, you're right.
I think we ought to talk about it.
124
00:08:58,060 --> 00:09:00,540
Well, look on the bright side -
125
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:06,680
if Nora Batty went off me,
I should regard it as one of the better things in life.
126
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:10,080
He drinks me tea
and tears me bird to pieces!
127
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,240
Let's look at your problem
logically.
128
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:16,020
Your problem, basically,
129
00:09:16,020 --> 00:09:19,240
is that Nora thinks you're a prawn,
right?
130
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:20,660
Right.
131
00:09:20,660 --> 00:09:24,560
And she's used to it! What's she
getting all uppity for now?
132
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:27,800
It's quite clear to me
what we have to do -
133
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:31,300
we have to make you irresistible
to the female sex.
134
00:09:35,860 --> 00:09:37,380
How?
135
00:09:39,420 --> 00:09:41,660
Yes, well... I haven't er...
136
00:09:41,660 --> 00:09:44,880
No, I haven't worked that out yet.
137
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:48,700
Well, I think we should leave
before he does. No, Norman!
138
00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:50,800
I like it, I like it.
139
00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:54,600
That's what I'll do -
I'll make him famous.
140
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:01,880
Here we are.
141
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,320
Now then...
142
00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:10,340
There we are, Edie.
143
00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:12,940
Nora. Oh, I'm ready for a coffee.
144
00:10:12,940 --> 00:10:15,320
It's been all go this morning.
145
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:19,540
I've been grabbed, kissed
and had me bell rung twice.
146
00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:24,700
Lucky you!
147
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:27,960
It was him next door.
148
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,580
You poor thing. They get
dafter as they grow older.
149
00:10:31,580 --> 00:10:35,440
Oh, yes - seems to be
the natural law.
150
00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:39,320
I think their brains
are like their hair -
151
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:42,860
it either goes grey
or disappears altogether.
152
00:10:42,860 --> 00:10:45,900
I don't know what we'd do
without them.
153
00:10:45,900 --> 00:10:48,320
That'll do from you.
154
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:53,000
Well, I don't! I wouldn't want
to be without them.
155
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,220
You weren't brought up
to talk like that.
156
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:58,620
Well, wouldn't you miss me dad?
157
00:10:58,620 --> 00:11:01,500
How can anybody miss your father?
158
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:04,640
He's the one covered in oil.
159
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:09,500
I mean, you expect a bit of trouble
when you're married to 'em,
160
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:12,440
but I get it all
from my next-door neighbour.
161
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:15,980
It's like a bad marriage
without the income.
162
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,860
Have you ever thought
of repulsing him?
163
00:11:20,860 --> 00:11:22,900
Repulsing him?
164
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:26,100
I've worn out three brushes on him.
165
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:30,420
Oh, no - he's not one
to take a hint.
166
00:11:30,420 --> 00:11:33,300
I tend to hit him with a tray.
167
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:35,880
Does he bother you as well?
168
00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:42,900
Well, I don't see why you should
find that so surprising.
169
00:11:42,900 --> 00:11:45,700
What does he do? Finish your coffee.
170
00:11:47,220 --> 00:11:49,640
It's no fun when you're approached
171
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,700
by some horrible figure
out of the darkness.
172
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:55,060
Especially when it's your husband.
173
00:11:56,180 --> 00:11:58,520
Cake?
174
00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:12,080
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
175
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:34,360
What have you come here for?
176
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,980
I know she's out -
I saw her in the cafe.
177
00:12:37,980 --> 00:12:40,920
She could be back any minute.
178
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,240
I thought we could go for a ride,
Howard.
179
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:48,620
I haven't finished marinating
me pork fillets.
180
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:55,320
Howard! That is not the kind
of reply that a girl expects to hear
181
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:58,040
when she makes a gentleman an offer.
182
00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:01,920
I have to say that I am very
disappointed in you, Howard.
183
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:07,640
I have to ask if our relationship
is losing its first fire and frenzy.
184
00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:26,260
Marina!
185
00:13:31,259 --> 00:13:34,699
The first thing we've got to do
is to dress you
186
00:13:34,699 --> 00:13:37,839
so that you look like...
Well, something.
187
00:13:37,839 --> 00:13:39,439
What?
188
00:13:39,439 --> 00:13:41,619
Well, anything but that.
189
00:13:41,619 --> 00:13:45,939
Something famous - that's
the effect you want, isn't it?
190
00:13:45,939 --> 00:13:49,719
I should think carefully
before you answer that.
191
00:13:49,719 --> 00:13:51,619
How famous?
192
00:13:51,619 --> 00:13:55,299
How much do you want to impress
Nora Batty? Careful...
193
00:13:55,299 --> 00:13:58,739
No flying, no jumping,
no falling off bridges.
194
00:13:58,739 --> 00:14:02,579
Now you're using your brain, kid!
You have to do something!
195
00:14:02,579 --> 00:14:05,579
You can't be famous
for just doing nothing...
196
00:14:05,579 --> 00:14:08,599
though you've been famous
for that for years.
197
00:14:08,599 --> 00:14:11,659
No danger! Nothing dangerous!
198
00:14:11,659 --> 00:14:17,099
Good thinking! Tell me what you
want to do, or think you can do.
199
00:14:22,159 --> 00:14:24,619
A Maurice Chevalier impression.
200
00:14:24,619 --> 00:14:28,719
Is that it? Maurice Chevalier
impressions. That's it.
201
00:14:28,719 --> 00:14:30,779
Sounds dangerous to me.
202
00:14:30,779 --> 00:14:34,799
I can't think of anything more
terrifying than just standing there
203
00:14:34,799 --> 00:14:37,219
doing Maurice Chevalier impressions.
204
00:14:37,219 --> 00:14:41,279
Are you sure you can do them?
'Course I'm sure.
205
00:14:41,279 --> 00:14:43,519
All right. Do one now.
206
00:14:43,519 --> 00:14:45,439
All right.
207
00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:50,579
Ah, no. I've gotta have the costume.
208
00:15:01,599 --> 00:15:04,359
Are you sure it looks like him?
209
00:15:04,359 --> 00:15:06,999
It's uncanny.
210
00:15:06,999 --> 00:15:09,579
Yeah, but does it look like him?
211
00:15:09,579 --> 00:15:13,799
Of course it looks like him.
It's breathtaking.
212
00:15:13,799 --> 00:15:15,819
He'll be a sensation.
213
00:15:20,559 --> 00:15:22,939
Well, say something, Norman!
214
00:15:22,939 --> 00:15:25,219
It's amazing!
215
00:15:25,219 --> 00:15:27,499
Even your legs look French.
216
00:15:28,739 --> 00:15:33,099
It doesn't matter what we think,
what matters is what Nora thinks.
217
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:37,639
She'll think I'm crackers.
Not when I get you on television.
218
00:15:38,699 --> 00:15:41,959
Give over! How's tha gonna get me
on television?
219
00:15:41,959 --> 00:15:44,139
Outlook North.
220
00:15:44,139 --> 00:15:48,919
They have these occasional spots
for local weirdos... Er, talents.
221
00:15:50,399 --> 00:15:52,859
Ey up, Norm! On television!
222
00:15:52,859 --> 00:15:56,879
Do you really want to be famous
all over Yorkshire
223
00:15:56,879 --> 00:16:00,799
for doing Maurice Chevalier
impressions? I do, I do.
224
00:16:00,799 --> 00:16:06,059
IN FRENCH ACCENT:
You could permanently damage your lower lip.
225
00:16:06,059 --> 00:16:09,179
I'm doing it for Nora.
That's my boy.
226
00:16:09,179 --> 00:16:13,259
Well, why don't we go and let her
have a glimpse of you.
227
00:16:13,259 --> 00:16:17,759
Don't let her tread on your
lower lip. Come on, then, Maurice.
228
00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:21,639
Your first steps into fame.
229
00:16:22,679 --> 00:16:24,219
Wait!
230
00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:32,279
Cheek!
231
00:16:41,519 --> 00:16:44,139
Now, don't look at her.
232
00:16:44,139 --> 00:16:47,599
Go swaggering round the corner
looking dynamic.
233
00:16:47,599 --> 00:16:52,859
Dynamic. As though your mind
is full of plans for a television appearance.
234
00:16:52,859 --> 00:16:56,019
How will she know that?
Oh, we'll see to that.
235
00:17:00,739 --> 00:17:04,519
Here she comes. Ready?
I'm ready. Knock 'em dead, kid.
236
00:17:04,519 --> 00:17:06,939
Now!
237
00:17:06,939 --> 00:17:11,759
We know what it's like at her place,
you shouldn't have been surprised...
238
00:17:11,759 --> 00:17:14,759
What the blood and stomach pills?
239
00:17:17,999 --> 00:17:20,919
It's too much exposure.
240
00:17:20,919 --> 00:17:23,759
You shouldn't be doing it.
241
00:17:23,759 --> 00:17:26,019
The sheer, naked courage of it!
242
00:17:26,019 --> 00:17:29,679
IN FRENCH ACCENT:
And besides, it is French.
243
00:17:31,679 --> 00:17:33,319
Ha, ha, ha!
244
00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:34,839
I can do it.
245
00:17:34,839 --> 00:17:37,579
I can do it!
246
00:17:37,579 --> 00:17:41,619
Where does he get this restless
appetite for adventure?
247
00:17:41,619 --> 00:17:46,399
Well, I like to think that some of
my example has rubbed off on him.
248
00:17:55,479 --> 00:17:57,619
We'll soon know.
249
00:17:57,619 --> 00:18:01,779
If she goes straight past to her
own house it means we've failed,
250
00:18:01,779 --> 00:18:05,819
but if you've roused her interest
she won't be able to resist
251
00:18:05,819 --> 00:18:10,279
thinking of some excuse to come
round to see what you're doing.
252
00:18:10,279 --> 00:18:11,799
Ey up -
253
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,939
here she comes.
254
00:18:13,939 --> 00:18:17,239
She's not bothered.
She's going straight home.
255
00:18:17,239 --> 00:18:19,959
The magic's gone.
256
00:18:19,959 --> 00:18:22,819
The flame's been put out, Norm.
257
00:18:23,879 --> 00:18:26,039
Join the club.
258
00:18:29,999 --> 00:18:32,199
I knew it! You've got her.
259
00:18:32,199 --> 00:18:34,399
What did I tell you?
260
00:18:37,739 --> 00:18:41,759
Just keep her guessing
for the time being.
261
00:18:41,759 --> 00:18:44,179
KNOCK AT DOOR
262
00:18:45,579 --> 00:18:50,339
Nora Batty! Tha's the last person
I expected to see! Come in.
263
00:18:54,519 --> 00:18:57,439
I don't want to bother you.
264
00:18:57,439 --> 00:18:59,819
I was just passing
265
00:18:59,819 --> 00:19:04,039
and wondered if I could borrow
a drop of floral disinfectant.
266
00:19:05,859 --> 00:19:10,459
Damn! I do believe I've run out of
floral disinfectant.
267
00:19:10,459 --> 00:19:14,979
I said to Clegg, "Do you know I've
run out of floral disinfectant?"
268
00:19:16,159 --> 00:19:18,359
I'm sorry, love.
269
00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:21,139
Oh, well... I'll be going then.
270
00:19:21,139 --> 00:19:25,679
I just thought I'd ask,
seeing I was in the vicinity.
271
00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:32,359
I expect they're very comfortable,
those trousers,
272
00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:34,439
for what you've got in mind.
273
00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:36,059
Ah...
274
00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:39,659
Aye, they'd have to be.
275
00:19:41,659 --> 00:19:46,039
All I can say is I wish you luck
with what you're planning to do...
276
00:19:46,039 --> 00:19:48,439
Ta, lass. ..whatever it is.
277
00:19:48,439 --> 00:19:50,879
Oh, it's... It's nothing, really.
278
00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:56,899
I suppose you have to keep these
things quiet. Oh, you have.
279
00:19:56,899 --> 00:20:00,919
Though I can't quite understand
why you can't tell some people
280
00:20:00,919 --> 00:20:03,719
who wouldn't spread it around.
281
00:20:03,719 --> 00:20:05,939
This is hush-hush.
282
00:20:05,939 --> 00:20:11,179
Well, if it's too hush-hush for a
close neighbour I don't want to pry.
283
00:20:11,179 --> 00:20:15,019
Ah, no! Nora, Nora...
I'm sure I can tell thee.
284
00:20:16,459 --> 00:20:19,819
I've got this thing to do
on telly.
285
00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:23,339
On television?!
286
00:20:25,039 --> 00:20:27,879
Maurice Chevalier impressions.
287
00:20:27,879 --> 00:20:30,399
Oh, my God!
288
00:20:30,399 --> 00:20:33,039
Maurice Chevalier impressions?
289
00:20:33,039 --> 00:20:35,739
Ooh, you will be careful.
290
00:20:45,039 --> 00:20:47,459
Oi! Oi, oi!
291
00:20:47,459 --> 00:20:50,819
Just where do you think
you're going with that?
292
00:20:50,819 --> 00:20:53,859
To fame and fortune, lad.
This is me big break.
293
00:20:53,859 --> 00:20:57,539
You are not parking
this little circus in here.
294
00:20:57,539 --> 00:21:00,579
I don't care what charity...
I beg your pardon?
295
00:21:00,579 --> 00:21:04,299
Do you know to whom you are
speaking? That is the star.
296
00:21:05,359 --> 00:21:07,779
The star of what?
297
00:21:07,779 --> 00:21:11,079
He's appearing on Outlook North
this evening.
298
00:21:11,079 --> 00:21:17,299
Ye Gods! I should've stayed in
the police force. You never know what you're gonna find in showbiz.
299
00:21:17,299 --> 00:21:21,899
All right. Park it round the back
somewhere, but get it out of sight.
300
00:21:39,659 --> 00:21:43,539
Good afternoon. This is the star
of your little show this evening.
301
00:21:45,299 --> 00:21:49,579
May I introduce myself? Former
Corporal Dewhurst. I'm his agent.
302
00:21:49,579 --> 00:21:52,939
What's he supposed to be
dressed like that?
303
00:21:54,639 --> 00:21:57,539
Oh, no - that's not his costume.
304
00:21:57,539 --> 00:22:02,399
Those are his ordinary clothes.
He has costumes in the case.
305
00:22:02,399 --> 00:22:04,919
Thank God for that.
306
00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:08,099
Ey up, lass!
307
00:22:08,099 --> 00:22:11,999
Tha knows how we are
in show business.
308
00:22:11,999 --> 00:22:18,179
All I'm saying is that if I don't
make a pass at thee, it's not cos I don't think tha's a cracker.
309
00:22:18,179 --> 00:22:21,019
It's because I'm spoken for
back home.
310
00:22:24,259 --> 00:22:28,299
Now will you stand there quietly
and let me deal with it?
311
00:22:28,299 --> 00:22:33,199
I didn't want her to think I was
swelled-headed cos I'm going on TV.
312
00:22:35,539 --> 00:22:39,419
You can get dressed in here.
We'll call you for make-up.
313
00:22:39,419 --> 00:22:43,639
Make-up? Aye - gotta have
a bit of make-up. We'll call you.
314
00:22:43,639 --> 00:22:45,819
Thank you.
315
00:22:45,819 --> 00:22:49,219
Are you gonna be all right?
'Course I am.
316
00:22:49,219 --> 00:22:53,299
Slip into the costume, go in there,
get a bit of make-up on...
317
00:22:53,299 --> 00:22:57,359
I don't like the sound of it.
It's nailed on, kid.
318
00:22:57,359 --> 00:22:59,659
I'm gonna knock 'em dead.
319
00:22:59,659 --> 00:23:04,099
That's the attitude! I've always
told you, take a positive attitude.
320
00:23:04,099 --> 00:23:08,219
It sounds a bit too positive to me.
I'm a great believer in luck.
321
00:23:08,219 --> 00:23:12,019
You're gonna need it.
Listen - go home, the pair of you.
322
00:23:12,019 --> 00:23:16,059
And make sure that Nora Batty is
watching. Who'll look after you?
323
00:23:16,059 --> 00:23:20,399
I'll look after me. Just you
make sure that Nora is watching.
324
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,779
Don't forget his lower lip!
325
00:23:27,419 --> 00:23:33,019
Ooooh! You've got to admire his
nerve. Did he have any stage fright?
326
00:23:33,019 --> 00:23:35,939
No nerves at all -
it was frightening.
327
00:23:35,939 --> 00:23:39,159
I thought he'd be a bit nervous.
We all did.
328
00:23:39,159 --> 00:23:44,179
I don't know why -
I've been talking to him for years about mind over matter.
329
00:23:44,179 --> 00:23:47,219
Some of it must've rubbed off.
Some? All of it.
330
00:23:50,179 --> 00:23:54,799
OK, what have we got tonight, then?
A Maurice Chevalier impressionist.
331
00:23:54,799 --> 00:23:56,499
A what?
332
00:23:56,499 --> 00:24:00,119
That's what it says here -
"a Maurice Chevalier impressionist."
333
00:24:00,119 --> 00:24:02,699
Ye gods!
334
00:24:02,699 --> 00:24:05,959
Are we ready for that kind
of excitement(?)
335
00:24:05,959 --> 00:24:08,699
Where do they find these muffins?
336
00:24:10,299 --> 00:24:13,659
Look - all you've gotta do
is follow me,
337
00:24:13,659 --> 00:24:16,859
and keep in tempo.
Now don't forget.
338
00:24:18,399 --> 00:24:20,459
Hello, my old lad!
339
00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:23,779
Listen - I thought we'd start off
up-tempo.
340
00:24:23,779 --> 00:24:27,919
Good, solid rock beat.
Keep it going, know what I mean?
341
00:24:27,919 --> 00:24:30,279
Then we slow it down.
342
00:24:30,279 --> 00:24:32,279
Smooth, groovy,
343
00:24:32,279 --> 00:24:34,399
plenty of sex, eh?
344
00:24:34,399 --> 00:24:36,579
That'll get the ravers going.
345
00:24:38,959 --> 00:24:41,699
It's gonna be one of those nights.
346
00:24:48,199 --> 00:24:51,159
EXCITED CHATTER
347
00:24:51,159 --> 00:24:54,299
The sound! Turn up the sound!
348
00:24:54,299 --> 00:24:58,379
'And now for something
really different.'
349
00:24:58,379 --> 00:25:02,599
And I do mean different -
you won't see this on satellite.
350
00:25:02,599 --> 00:25:04,819
This is a first for us -
351
00:25:04,819 --> 00:25:08,439
and has been an altogether
eerie experience,
352
00:25:08,439 --> 00:25:10,679
and I sincerely mean that.
353
00:25:10,679 --> 00:25:16,499
In our aim to provide you
with the best, and sometimes strangest, in local entertainment,
354
00:25:16,499 --> 00:25:19,819
it is our stunning privilege
to give you
355
00:25:19,819 --> 00:25:23,419
the last surviving
Maurice Chevalier impressionist.
356
00:25:23,419 --> 00:25:28,679
'Mr William Simonite.
Let's give him a warm welcome.'
357
00:25:35,799 --> 00:25:37,999
So, here he is, folks.
358
00:25:37,999 --> 00:25:44,859
Mr William Simonite's impression of
that old French smoothie, in some of the maestro's best-known songs.
359
00:25:44,859 --> 00:25:48,019
Remember - you saw it
on this show first,
360
00:25:48,019 --> 00:25:50,599
and try not to talk about it.
361
00:25:58,259 --> 00:26:02,239
You must have been
a beautiful baby
362
00:26:03,459 --> 00:26:06,539
You must have been
a wonderful child
363
00:26:08,039 --> 00:26:10,479
When you were only startin'
364
00:26:10,479 --> 00:26:12,699
To go to kindergarten
365
00:26:12,699 --> 00:26:15,799
I bet you drove
the little boys wild
366
00:26:17,139 --> 00:26:20,599
And when they came to winning
blue ribbons...
367
00:26:20,599 --> 00:26:23,259
He's forgotten the lower lip!
368
00:26:23,259 --> 00:26:25,419
I bet you showed
the other kids how...
369
00:26:26,479 --> 00:26:28,759
Ah.
370
00:26:28,759 --> 00:26:31,679
..When he handed you the prize
371
00:26:31,679 --> 00:26:35,219
I bet you made the cutest pout
372
00:26:35,219 --> 00:26:40,519
Oh, you must have been
a beautiful baby
373
00:26:41,639 --> 00:26:44,459
Cos baby look at you now...
374
00:26:54,879 --> 00:26:57,359
That's my neighbour!
375
00:26:57,359 --> 00:27:00,379
He lives next door.
376
00:27:00,379 --> 00:27:04,539
Oui, Frere Jacques,
mine's a pint
377
00:27:04,539 --> 00:27:08,159
And when it came to winning
blue ribbons
378
00:27:09,499 --> 00:27:12,799
I bet you showed
the other kids... Aargh!
379
00:27:12,799 --> 00:27:14,719
Oh! Argh!
380
00:27:14,719 --> 00:27:16,119
INAUDIBLE
381
00:27:16,119 --> 00:27:17,799
Just stay...
382
00:27:25,859 --> 00:27:30,279
The little devil! No wonder
he was confident about his luck -
383
00:27:30,279 --> 00:27:32,879
he's got his lucky ferret.
384
00:27:37,759 --> 00:27:39,959
Come out of there!
385
00:27:39,959 --> 00:27:42,999
He's not supposed to be in there.
386
00:27:51,759 --> 00:27:54,239
Come here, you little ferret, you.
387
00:27:54,239 --> 00:27:57,079
Get him off! I haven't finished!
388
00:28:06,559 --> 00:28:09,019
Well, we're terribly sorry, folks,
389
00:28:09,019 --> 00:28:12,079
for that moment
of technical breakdown. We...
390
00:28:19,339 --> 00:28:23,299
Normal service will be resumed
as soon as possible.
391
00:28:25,639 --> 00:28:28,099
Oh, dear...
392
00:29:01,179 --> 00:29:05,079
Subtitles by Kate Turnough
BBC Broadcast - 2004
393
00:29:05,129 --> 00:29:09,679
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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