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1
00:01:01,740 --> 00:01:04,800
Morning, Cleggie. Morning, Howard.
2
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:09,860
Morning, Pearl. Cheer up! Only one
more shopping day to Christmas!
3
00:01:09,860 --> 00:01:14,880
I should hope so.
The whole thing started in July!
4
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:19,840
Stay here, you, and don't move,
while I check me oven timer!
5
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:27,540
Last-minute Christmas shopping!
Lucky you!
6
00:01:27,540 --> 00:01:34,580
When am I going
to get a chance to slip away and buy something for Marina?
7
00:01:34,580 --> 00:01:42,120
You should have started when
the shops did - in July! They say it's easy having a lady friend...
8
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:44,540
^
A what?
9
00:01:45,660 --> 00:01:48,760
An ageing aunt, love. Good thinking.
10
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:56,100
I was saying to Cleggie,
it's not easy knowing what to buy for Auntie Wainwright.
11
00:01:56,100 --> 00:02:02,560
It doesn't make any difference, does
it? She just sells it in her shop!
12
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:09,260
It has to be decent
so that you're not ashamed to see it in the shop window.
13
00:02:09,260 --> 00:02:11,800
It's not a bad idea.
14
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:16,840
I think I'll display
what you buy me in a shop window!
15
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:20,280
Well, you never say
what you want!
16
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:23,180
I want you to surprise me!
17
00:02:23,180 --> 00:02:25,760
I surprised you last year!
18
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:30,740
Yes, you did.
I'll give you that. You really did.
19
00:02:30,740 --> 00:02:33,920
An electric wallpaper stripper!
20
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:39,100
You really send a thrill
through a girl's heart! Oh, come on.
21
00:02:46,940 --> 00:02:53,880
Is Howard in trouble again?
He wouldn't feel comfy in any other environment.
22
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:03,780
Are we going to watch? I'm not
going to watch! I can't bear it.
23
00:03:03,780 --> 00:03:08,800
It's so embarrassing. He tells
people that they're trained ferrets.
24
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:13,860
They're not trained at all.
He swears they're getting better.
25
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:18,880
I'm not watching any more!
Well, it's his last one anyway.
26
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:23,960
He hasn't earned as much
as he intended. I'm not surprised.
27
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:31,460
Fancy passing a hat round after
an exhibition like that! He's doing it to pay for Nora Batty's present.
28
00:03:31,460 --> 00:03:36,460
Why not give her the ferrets?
He can't do a thing with them!
29
00:03:36,460 --> 00:03:38,680
Thank you.
30
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:51,820
How do, lass! Whatever are you
dressed like that for? For me act.
31
00:03:51,820 --> 00:03:56,920
My ferrets are doing a performance
in the church hall. Ferrets?!
32
00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:04,420
Why are you dressed like a jockey?
Has tha ever tried finding something suitable for ferrets?
33
00:04:04,420 --> 00:04:07,000
Hold this. What is it?
34
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,680
Hold it! Why have I got to hold it?
35
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,160
So I can have a kiss!
36
00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:34,560
What the blood and stomach pills
is he doing?!
37
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:40,020
Well, show business is glamorous.
What's he supposed to be?
38
00:04:40,020 --> 00:04:42,520
We've often wondered about that!
39
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:45,080
Will you stop taking the mickey?
40
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:47,620
I wear this for me act!
41
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:51,160
What act?! Me ferret act!
42
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:55,140
How can you ride ferrets?
43
00:04:56,780 --> 00:05:00,740
I don't ride 'em.
I make 'em do tricks!
44
00:05:02,140 --> 00:05:05,320
And you can leave them outside!
45
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:10,380
I can't do that! These are three
trained, valuable ferrets! Outside!
46
00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:14,580
It's brass monkeys out there!
OUTSIDE!
47
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:20,320
And a Merry Christmas to you...
NOW!
48
00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:27,860
BOYS WOLF WHISTLE
49
00:05:31,340 --> 00:05:33,420
Hey, Barry!
50
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:39,320
Just the lad I need. Keep an eye
on me ferrets while I have a cuppa.
51
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:42,020
But...!
52
00:05:42,020 --> 00:05:44,000
No...
53
00:06:08,780 --> 00:06:15,700
You can't perform in a church
looking like you've just been trampled in the Grand National!
54
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:18,920
That's choking me! Keep still!
55
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:22,880
Keep still
while the lady's choking you.
56
00:06:24,140 --> 00:06:26,700
I suppose you think it's funny?
57
00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:29,820
We've seen your performing ferrets!
58
00:06:29,820 --> 00:06:37,340
They're better. We were rehearsing
half the night. At least they've got a better coat than you've got!
59
00:06:37,340 --> 00:06:39,420
Cheek!
60
00:06:48,180 --> 00:06:50,780
Barry! Just the lad!
61
00:06:50,780 --> 00:06:53,320
N-No, I'm supposed to be...
62
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:58,380
Keep an eye on the Landrover.
If you see a warden, blow the horn!
63
00:06:58,380 --> 00:07:02,980
Three toots on the horn, Barry!
Three good toots!
64
00:07:02,980 --> 00:07:07,420
I'm supposed
to be looking after ferrets!
65
00:07:09,700 --> 00:07:13,420
EXHAUST MAKES UNHEALTHY NOISES
66
00:07:14,940 --> 00:07:17,480
CRUNCHING GEAR CHANGE
67
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:22,440
They're all the same. This has got
one of them damn stick things!
68
00:07:43,460 --> 00:07:48,480
Will she have a contribution?
She doesn't usually part with a lot.
69
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:53,540
We all agreed to combine
our efforts into a joint party.
70
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:58,860
Auntie Wainwright agreed.
I'm sure she'll have a contribution.
71
00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:01,440
It won't be extravagant.
72
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:06,460
Nothing magnificent
has ever come out of that family.
73
00:08:06,460 --> 00:08:08,940
I mean, look at him!
74
00:08:19,064 --> 00:08:24,044
Stay where you are! Don't move!
Keep your hands in your pockets!
75
00:08:24,044 --> 00:08:27,644
You're on closed circuit television!
76
00:08:29,044 --> 00:08:31,544
It's Howard,
Auntie Wainwright!
77
00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:35,064
Howard who? Hands in your pockets!
78
00:08:35,064 --> 00:08:38,804
Your nephew.
Oh, THAT Howard!
79
00:08:38,804 --> 00:08:43,244
Are you still with that tall freak
in short skirts?
80
00:08:47,424 --> 00:08:49,504
Yes, he is!
81
00:08:49,504 --> 00:08:52,044
I don't know who you mean!
82
00:08:52,044 --> 00:08:59,524
Well, now, let's not let
any misunderstanding spoil the spirit of Christmas.
83
00:08:59,524 --> 00:09:02,524
I'd like to see you all smiling...
84
00:09:02,524 --> 00:09:05,964
and BUYING something!
85
00:09:05,964 --> 00:09:09,524
We haven't come to buy something.
86
00:09:09,524 --> 00:09:15,444
No, we've come to collect YOUR
contribution for the Christmas party.
87
00:09:15,444 --> 00:09:20,364
Don't you remember? We all agreed
to combine our efforts in baking!
88
00:09:20,364 --> 00:09:23,944
You're not buying?
No, collecting.
89
00:09:23,944 --> 00:09:26,524
Collecting?!
90
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:31,564
Oh, I gave last time. I remember
distinctly giving last time.
91
00:09:31,564 --> 00:09:36,984
Was it 50 or 55...? It was 55!
You gave 55 what?
92
00:09:36,984 --> 00:09:39,424
Not GAVE 55.
93
00:09:39,424 --> 00:09:41,884
1955!
94
00:09:43,724 --> 00:09:46,764
Yes, I'm almost certain it was 1955.
95
00:09:46,764 --> 00:09:50,804
I said then,
"I'm not doing it every year!"
96
00:09:50,804 --> 00:09:55,804
Look round. If you see anything you
fancy, a small deposit will secure.
97
00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:58,344
Now don't wait for the January sale,
98
00:09:58,344 --> 00:10:01,644
because I don't have one!
99
00:10:01,644 --> 00:10:08,724
We ought to be going.
We've a lot of baking to do. Mine's done!
100
00:10:08,724 --> 00:10:11,804
Oh, I knew you wouldn't let us down!
101
00:10:11,804 --> 00:10:16,344
I said to the vicar,
"You can rely on me, vicar.
102
00:10:16,344 --> 00:10:23,484
"Pastry-wise, I will only contact
people of the highest moral natural fibre!"
103
00:10:23,484 --> 00:10:29,444
We'll take your contribution
while we're here. Just a minute.
104
00:10:29,444 --> 00:10:32,504
Keep your hands in your pockets!
105
00:10:34,744 --> 00:10:37,444
Why is she always so miserable?
106
00:10:37,444 --> 00:10:40,084
Don't say unkind things, Glenda.
107
00:10:40,084 --> 00:10:45,124
You see, she's only miserable
when she's next to us.
108
00:10:45,124 --> 00:10:50,444
If she was next to Nora Batty,
she'd fit like a glove!
109
00:10:50,444 --> 00:10:53,004
I've baked a few treats.
110
00:10:53,004 --> 00:10:56,484
Why not? After all, it is Christmas!
111
00:10:56,484 --> 00:10:58,984
That is kind of you,
Auntie Wainwright.
112
00:10:58,984 --> 00:11:01,484
Help Auntie with the tin, Glenda.
113
00:11:02,584 --> 00:11:06,584
You're supposed to be
the man around here.
114
00:11:06,584 --> 00:11:09,084
Go and give your auntie a hand!
115
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:21,824
You shouldn't have done
all those treats!
116
00:11:21,824 --> 00:11:24,024
She hasn't!
117
00:11:24,024 --> 00:11:28,024
Don't shake 'em about!
It's a bit light.
118
00:11:28,024 --> 00:11:30,464
How many treats?
119
00:11:30,464 --> 00:11:33,024
You've got the whole six!
120
00:11:33,024 --> 00:11:37,024
Only six treats?!
That's a bit short!
121
00:11:37,024 --> 00:11:41,084
Not as short as some skirts
I could mention!
122
00:11:41,084 --> 00:11:44,104
Shut up or
I'll mention them!
123
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:47,564
I've got
Auntie Wainwright's treats!
124
00:11:49,564 --> 00:11:52,564
^
Goodbye, Auntie Wainwright.
125
00:11:52,564 --> 00:11:55,224
See you tomorrow night.
126
00:11:55,224 --> 00:11:59,264
Have a look round!
No, thank you.
127
00:11:59,264 --> 00:12:01,804
You could find something...
128
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:06,824
Oooh! I hate to see people leave
without buying anything!
129
00:12:06,824 --> 00:12:09,844
It seems so unnatural!
130
00:12:35,564 --> 00:12:38,364
Where's Barry? I won't be long.
131
00:12:38,364 --> 00:12:43,104
Mr Pegden wants me
to toot him three times.
132
00:12:43,104 --> 00:12:50,044
What's wrong with wishing him
a Merry Christmas like everyone else?
133
00:13:04,744 --> 00:13:07,764
HE TOOTS LOUDLY
134
00:13:07,764 --> 00:13:10,304
Thank you, Barry(!)
135
00:13:10,304 --> 00:13:12,764
By, that was quick!
136
00:13:42,924 --> 00:13:45,404
Norman Clegg!
137
00:13:45,404 --> 00:13:47,884
And a tall person!
138
00:13:47,884 --> 00:13:55,784
Why are you outside a church hall
looking masculine and unattached? We're waiting for someone.
139
00:13:55,784 --> 00:14:01,324
I know the feeling! We're waiting
for the end of the performance.
140
00:14:01,324 --> 00:14:03,964
I know that feeling, too!
141
00:14:05,124 --> 00:14:07,624
There's something missing.
142
00:14:07,624 --> 00:14:13,244
A little scruffy one. I thought
you were a set! He's inside.
143
00:14:16,744 --> 00:14:19,264
Inside the church hall?!
144
00:14:19,264 --> 00:14:25,204
Has he gone religious? He's giving
a show. With his performing ferrets.
145
00:14:25,204 --> 00:14:29,204
I thought he wouldn't
have gone religious.
146
00:14:29,204 --> 00:14:33,244
Performing ferrets?
That sounds fascinating!
147
00:14:33,244 --> 00:14:37,244
It is! You ought to go
and have a look... NOW!
148
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,784
I think I will.
149
00:14:39,784 --> 00:14:45,004
Now then, Clegg.
Be an angel and hold my bicycle.
150
00:14:59,884 --> 00:15:02,364
Come back, you ferrets!
151
00:15:05,524 --> 00:15:08,544
LOUD SCREAMS
152
00:15:10,524 --> 00:15:13,084
It's all right, ladies.
153
00:15:13,084 --> 00:15:18,504
It's just first-night nerves!
Just talk amongst yourselves.
154
00:15:18,504 --> 00:15:21,004
I won't be a minute!
155
00:15:41,224 --> 00:15:43,804
Not long now.
156
00:15:43,804 --> 00:15:47,924
Don't worry, it's Christmas!
Ey up!
157
00:15:51,464 --> 00:15:58,444
Why do girls behind
cosmetic counters all look as if they've come from another planet?
158
00:15:59,964 --> 00:16:02,524
He'll bring them down to earth!
159
00:16:04,384 --> 00:16:06,364
Aaagh!
160
00:16:17,524 --> 00:16:20,184
Ey up! Merry Christmas, love!
161
00:16:20,184 --> 00:16:23,144
We close soon. What do you want?
162
00:16:23,144 --> 00:16:26,264
By 'eck, you're a smooth talker!
163
00:16:26,264 --> 00:16:29,244
Let me see... How much is that?
164
00:16:33,764 --> 00:16:38,404
You must be joking!
I'd need a mortgage!
165
00:16:38,404 --> 00:16:44,604
He has a very low gift-threshold!
She put the wrong label on it!
166
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:49,184
She put the wrong price on!
Perfume is expensive.
167
00:16:49,184 --> 00:16:53,224
I were prepared
to spend up to two quid!
168
00:16:53,224 --> 00:16:55,264
And...
169
00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:57,244
Pooh!
170
00:16:59,724 --> 00:17:02,304
Does Nora Batty wear perfume?
171
00:17:02,304 --> 00:17:06,324
She just smells of bleach
and furniture polish.
172
00:17:06,324 --> 00:17:10,284
It could be
French furniture polish...
173
00:17:12,164 --> 00:17:14,784
She smells better than that stuff!
174
00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:17,304
32 quid for a small bottle!
175
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:19,864
No wonder some marriages last.
176
00:17:19,864 --> 00:17:23,804
A bloke can't afford to go
anywhere else!
177
00:17:37,384 --> 00:17:42,464
You don't even know what size ear
she's got. She's got dinky ears!
178
00:17:42,464 --> 00:17:46,944
She's about as dinky
as earth-moving equipment!
179
00:17:46,944 --> 00:17:50,444
Ask him what size ears
they're for.
180
00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:53,724
Ears don't come in sizes!
181
00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:58,744
..Oh! Remind me never to buy
a pair of shoes in this place!
182
00:17:59,944 --> 00:18:04,044
Try thinking about
what jewellery she likes.
183
00:18:04,044 --> 00:18:11,004
No, no, no! I'm not approaching it
that way. I'm thinking about what jewellery I can afford!
184
00:18:11,004 --> 00:18:16,644
Judging by the performance
of your ferrets, not a lot! Less!
185
00:18:16,644 --> 00:18:19,144
Right! How much are these?
186
00:18:19,144 --> 00:18:22,204
You're very lucky. They're reduced.
187
00:18:22,204 --> 00:18:27,884
They're available
for the bargain price...of ๏ฟฝ62.
188
00:18:27,884 --> 00:18:29,844
WHAT the...!
189
00:18:32,364 --> 00:18:34,444
62 quid?!
190
00:18:34,444 --> 00:18:38,204
It's a nice pair. Come here!
191
00:18:40,164 --> 00:18:48,204
Listen, son. When tha reaches
our age, there's not a pair of ANYTHING that's worth ๏ฟฝ62!
192
00:18:48,204 --> 00:18:50,784
Don't you have any misshapes?
193
00:18:50,784 --> 00:18:53,304
Nothing off the back of a lorry?
194
00:18:53,304 --> 00:18:56,364
Go home. We're closing.
195
00:18:56,364 --> 00:18:59,384
And a Merry Christmas to thee(!)
196
00:18:59,384 --> 00:19:01,444
Oh, come on!
197
00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:06,024
I've still got to buy something
for my favourite bird.
198
00:19:06,024 --> 00:19:11,104
There's going to be a lonely widow
who'll be very disappointed!
199
00:19:11,104 --> 00:19:16,504
Come away. They're closed.
It's too late. Everything's closed.
200
00:19:16,504 --> 00:19:19,064
Nothing will open until January.
201
00:19:19,064 --> 00:19:26,644
What WILL be open? I must buy
the lass summat. Nothing! You've left it too late, as usual.
202
00:19:26,644 --> 00:19:30,024
I've been searching the whole week.
203
00:19:30,024 --> 00:19:33,084
There was nothing I could afford.
204
00:19:33,084 --> 00:19:38,804
You should have saved up. I did!
Where do you think I got ๏ฟฝ2?!
205
00:19:38,804 --> 00:19:43,284
You should have saved up for 1989,
not 1914!
206
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:48,184
Ah! It's a terrible time,
is Christmas.
207
00:19:48,184 --> 00:19:56,424
It's easy enough to get into debt
the rest of the year, but at least it isn't for people you don't like!
208
00:19:56,424 --> 00:20:03,404
You see people gritting their teeth
and buying things for people they don't like! Ey up!
209
00:20:03,404 --> 00:20:05,784
Something's still open.
210
00:20:05,784 --> 00:20:07,364
Wait!
211
00:20:19,864 --> 00:20:23,224
Constable...! It is Christmas Eve.
212
00:20:23,224 --> 00:20:26,684
I'm not a constable. I'm a customer.
213
00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:28,924
Ahhh!
214
00:20:32,704 --> 00:20:38,204
My last chance and I get the choice
of a squeaky doll or a fire engine!
215
00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:42,404
Which did you choose?
Neither, clever dick!
216
00:20:42,404 --> 00:20:45,244
Drink your beer and cheer up.
217
00:20:46,164 --> 00:20:53,204
Well, there's nothing we can do
tonight so let's just sit here in the snug and warmth
218
00:20:53,204 --> 00:20:57,864
and remember that Christmas
is a time of peace.
219
00:20:57,864 --> 00:21:02,484
LOUD SINGING:
Good King Wenceslas looked out
220
00:21:02,484 --> 00:21:05,764
On the feast of Stephen
221
00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:09,324
When the snow lay round about
222
00:21:09,324 --> 00:21:12,664
Deep and crisp and even.
223
00:21:12,664 --> 00:21:16,264
Brightly shone the moon that night
224
00:21:16,264 --> 00:21:19,744
Though the frost was cruel,
225
00:21:19,744 --> 00:21:23,224
When a poor man came in sight
226
00:21:23,224 --> 00:21:29,124
Riding on a mule.
227
00:21:29,124 --> 00:21:33,924
Hither page and stand by me
228
00:21:33,924 --> 00:21:38,684
If thou know'st it, telling...
229
00:22:22,012 --> 00:22:24,572
Nice mess you made of Howard's tree.
230
00:22:24,572 --> 00:22:29,592
I didn't ask him to fall off
the ladder! He's a great tulip!
231
00:22:29,592 --> 00:22:35,032
You startled him! I only knocked
on the window. He was terrified!
232
00:22:35,032 --> 00:22:37,572
He probably thought you were Pearl.
233
00:22:37,572 --> 00:22:45,232
If you gave Howard the choice
between Dracula and Pearl, I bet he'd tackle Dracula any day.
234
00:22:45,232 --> 00:22:49,192
KNOCK ON DOOR
I wonder who THAT can be(!)
235
00:22:55,592 --> 00:22:58,112
Have you seen my tree?!
236
00:22:58,112 --> 00:23:00,592
All my lights went out.
237
00:23:00,592 --> 00:23:03,592
And I've crushed my sugar fairy.
238
00:23:06,232 --> 00:23:10,232
Sit down, Howard.
Get your breath back.
239
00:23:10,232 --> 00:23:12,912
Why were you creeping up on people?
240
00:23:12,912 --> 00:23:16,472
Nice tree, Howard. It WAS!
241
00:23:16,472 --> 00:23:21,532
All ready for Christmas? I WAS
until you came leaping up on people.
242
00:23:21,532 --> 00:23:26,532
Bought all your presents?
I should hope so, by this time!
243
00:23:26,532 --> 00:23:31,592
If a bloke hasn't got his presents
by now, it's too late. That's true.
244
00:23:31,592 --> 00:23:34,032
Quite a coincidence, that!
245
00:23:34,772 --> 00:23:38,812
What has tha bought Marina?
Never you mind!
246
00:23:38,812 --> 00:23:42,832
And keep your voice down.
Walls have ears.
247
00:23:42,832 --> 00:23:47,392
I never hear you and Pearl
unless she's really shouting.
248
00:23:47,392 --> 00:23:52,392
If she hears you talking about...
(Marina) she will be really shouting.
249
00:23:52,392 --> 00:23:55,072
How do you cope with two women?
250
00:23:55,072 --> 00:23:57,232
Badly!
251
00:23:57,232 --> 00:23:59,772
Listen, Howard.
252
00:23:59,772 --> 00:24:04,792
What have you bought Marina
for Christmas? I'm not telling you.
253
00:24:04,792 --> 00:24:09,832
There's such a thing as privacy!
Howard, I'm not just being curious.
254
00:24:09,832 --> 00:24:14,852
I've got to get a present for Nora.
It wouldn't be suitable.
255
00:24:14,852 --> 00:24:18,152
Is it something nice? Of course!
256
00:24:18,152 --> 00:24:20,732
Oh, Howard, I'm desperate.
257
00:24:20,732 --> 00:24:25,672
ANYTHING will be suitable. Lend me
the present you've got for Marina!
258
00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:28,292
NO! You don't have a chance in hell
259
00:24:28,292 --> 00:24:30,832
of getting it to her for Christmas.
260
00:24:30,832 --> 00:24:37,852
Pearl's too smart to let thee
go sneaking off at Christmas, lad! I'll buy thee another one.
261
00:24:37,852 --> 00:24:41,192
I've made arrangements for it.
262
00:24:41,192 --> 00:24:45,172
Don't lie, Howard!
What do you mean?
263
00:24:45,172 --> 00:24:49,072
It's the only friend I've got!
KNOCK ON DOOR
264
00:24:49,072 --> 00:24:52,032
I wonder who THAT could be(!)
265
00:24:57,852 --> 00:25:04,872
What are you doing here?
That tree looks like someone's run over Gary Glitter!
266
00:25:04,872 --> 00:25:07,812
I was just borrowing a fuse, love.
267
00:25:07,812 --> 00:25:12,512
They don't look like
they've got a fuse between them!
268
00:25:15,872 --> 00:25:17,272
(Parcel.)
269
00:25:25,698 --> 00:25:32,078
I'm disappointed in Howard.
I've known him years. He could do me a favour!
270
00:25:32,078 --> 00:25:38,798
For another fool about women.
Yes. What's it like being a fool about women? It's great!
271
00:25:38,798 --> 00:25:42,358
You can buy her a New Year present.
272
00:25:42,358 --> 00:25:49,238
It's not the same. I want it now.
Women are sentimental about these things.
273
00:25:51,998 --> 00:25:53,078
Shop!
274
00:25:53,078 --> 00:25:56,118
We're shut!
275
00:25:56,118 --> 00:26:00,118
She doesn't sound sentimental!
276
00:26:00,118 --> 00:26:08,298
The door's open. So is your mouth,
but it doesn't mean you have to serve customers! I smell cooking.
277
00:26:08,298 --> 00:26:13,038
And very delicious it smells, too.
It's for the party tonight.
278
00:26:13,038 --> 00:26:14,818
Eh!
279
00:26:14,818 --> 00:26:20,218
And if you want to see
Boxing Day, don't start!
280
00:26:20,218 --> 00:26:23,898
There's my little Christmas fairy!
281
00:26:23,898 --> 00:26:26,898
You can see why Howard crushed it!
282
00:26:26,898 --> 00:26:32,198
Doesn't she carry a turkey well?
The turkey looks more friendly.
283
00:26:32,878 --> 00:26:38,438
Listen, I've already
told you three. WE ARE SHUT.
284
00:26:38,438 --> 00:26:41,698
Ladies, we're just leaving.
285
00:26:41,698 --> 00:26:46,818
Flannel!
Yeah. They're full of flannel!
286
00:26:46,818 --> 00:26:51,458
Mince pies!
Eh, lass, give us a mince pie...
287
00:26:51,458 --> 00:26:54,798
in memory of that long-lasting,
effervescent kiss!
288
00:26:54,798 --> 00:26:58,098
Get away, you daft devil!
289
00:26:58,098 --> 00:27:02,758
What long-lasting,
effervescent kiss?
290
00:27:11,098 --> 00:27:13,738
Here you are. Cheers! Cheers!
291
00:27:13,738 --> 00:27:18,098
I've got to give her summat.
You're too late.
292
00:27:18,098 --> 00:27:22,298
Tha's never been in love.
You call it love?!
293
00:27:22,298 --> 00:27:25,938
He's no idea! Neither have I.
294
00:27:26,038 --> 00:27:32,378
If ever I've had a fever,
there's always been a sound medical reason.
295
00:27:32,378 --> 00:27:37,038
Of course, there is one place
that will be open...
296
00:27:37,038 --> 00:27:40,998
WHERE? I won't come inside.
WHERE?
297
00:27:40,998 --> 00:27:44,738
Howard's Auntie Wainwright's.
298
00:27:44,738 --> 00:27:52,678
He's right. Auntie Wainwright never
closes. You're on your own there. I'm staying outside with Clegg.
299
00:27:52,678 --> 00:27:57,878
You're a pair of big lilies!
Terrified of a dear old lady!
300
00:28:12,458 --> 00:28:17,518
What next?
Those cheesey things. Right.
301
00:28:19,158 --> 00:28:22,458
Speaking of little cheesey things...
302
00:28:22,458 --> 00:28:24,278
Wait!
303
00:28:30,738 --> 00:28:35,698
Right. Come in and get changed?
Already?!
304
00:28:35,698 --> 00:28:42,998
Already? You've had
November and December to wallow in your overalls!
305
00:28:42,998 --> 00:28:46,998
Can I have a bun?
No, you can't.
306
00:28:46,998 --> 00:28:51,858
These buns are for people
who are suitably dressed.
307
00:28:51,858 --> 00:28:56,298
Where's Barry?
Under the car.
308
00:28:56,298 --> 00:29:01,558
If you've knocked him down,
shouldn't you pick him up?
309
00:29:01,558 --> 00:29:06,158
He's fitting an exhaust!
In his suit?!
310
00:29:06,158 --> 00:29:09,718
He's got some carpet
to lie on!
311
00:29:09,718 --> 00:29:13,378
Fetch him in and clean him up.
312
00:29:13,378 --> 00:29:18,978
I told you to watch Barry.
He was fine until my father got him!
313
00:29:18,978 --> 00:29:21,518
Give us a bun.
314
00:29:25,738 --> 00:29:31,118
Why do I encourage strays?
Go and rescue Barry.
315
00:29:36,558 --> 00:29:39,298
I'll kill him if he's all messy.
316
00:29:39,298 --> 00:29:46,518
He will be because he's been
with your father. And HE'LL turn up for heaven in overalls!
317
00:29:46,518 --> 00:29:54,278
There'll be those beautiful
pearly gates, and all your father will notice is whether they squeak!
318
00:30:01,638 --> 00:30:04,278
I'm ashamed of thee!
319
00:30:04,278 --> 00:30:09,378
Two grown men! How's she going
to hurt thee - an old lady?!
320
00:30:09,378 --> 00:30:15,378
She's as much an old lady
as Genghis Khan was a tourist!
321
00:30:15,378 --> 00:30:20,318
Come on! You won't come out alive
without buying something.
322
00:30:24,218 --> 00:30:29,538
I don't know what I'm going to do
with this. Barbara will kill me!
323
00:30:29,538 --> 00:30:36,338
What did you buy it for, then?
I didn't BUY it. I was SOLD it. There's a difference.
324
00:30:41,498 --> 00:30:43,078
Ahem!
325
00:30:45,778 --> 00:30:48,698
Oh, come on! No. No. No.
326
00:30:48,698 --> 00:30:50,418
Come on!
327
00:30:50,418 --> 00:30:53,618
STAND THERE AND DON'T MOVE!
328
00:30:53,618 --> 00:30:57,198
I'll be with you in a minute.
329
00:30:57,198 --> 00:31:00,698
Keep your hands in your pockets!
330
00:31:00,698 --> 00:31:05,798
These premises are protected
by ELEC-O-TRONIC video cameras.
331
00:31:05,798 --> 00:31:11,818
Touch anything
while my back is turned and you may be electrocuted!
332
00:31:11,818 --> 00:31:15,398
In fact, you WILL be electrocuted.
333
00:31:15,398 --> 00:31:18,138
And Merry Christmas to you!
334
00:31:18,138 --> 00:31:22,898
If you're collecting for something,
I've already given.
335
00:31:22,898 --> 00:31:28,078
I remember distinctly -
"Victory Over Japan" celebrations.
336
00:31:28,078 --> 00:31:33,158
I told them not to think I was
doing it every time a war ended!
337
00:31:33,158 --> 00:31:39,818
We're not collecting,
Auntie Wainwright. This is Cleggie. He lives next door to your Howard.
338
00:31:39,818 --> 00:31:42,578
And this is Seymour.
339
00:31:42,578 --> 00:31:48,558
I don't play any favourites.
Everyone's welcome so long as they'e not collecting.
340
00:31:48,558 --> 00:31:53,298
Now, what can I sell you?
It's him! Wha...? It's him.
341
00:31:53,298 --> 00:32:00,198
We're just spectators. Absolutely!
That's not stopping you enjoying the benefits of my electricity!
342
00:32:05,618 --> 00:32:08,298
It's a bit dark round here!
343
00:32:08,298 --> 00:32:11,458
Dark?! It's never dark!
344
00:32:12,738 --> 00:32:19,178
People don't want
their eyes burning out. They want nice subdued lighting.
345
00:32:19,178 --> 00:32:24,678
What are you after? A Christmas
present. You're in the right place.
346
00:32:24,678 --> 00:32:29,518
Now you want something antique.
It can only appreciate in value.
347
00:32:29,518 --> 00:32:32,938
It's...er...for a lady friend.
348
00:32:32,938 --> 00:32:35,898
Oh! I've got JUST the thing.
349
00:32:35,898 --> 00:32:42,418
Now... Why don't you surprise her
with this inlaid mahogany wardrobe?
350
00:32:45,138 --> 00:32:51,858
I don't want one. You haven't had
a look yet. I don't want a wardrobe! What about your friends?
351
00:32:55,458 --> 00:33:00,558
If you're going to be difficult,
we'll see what else we've got.
352
00:33:05,378 --> 00:33:12,718
(I'll be up in the bedroom window,
lovey. You cycle past and I'll get your present handed over to you.)
353
00:33:13,978 --> 00:33:19,378
(I know it will be risky, precious.
But I'd risk anything for you.)
354
00:33:29,178 --> 00:33:32,018
Oh, it's YOU, love!
355
00:33:32,018 --> 00:33:38,818
Why are you standing here
looking guilty? And don't lie. It won't look convincing.
356
00:33:38,818 --> 00:33:43,458
Why are you on the stairs?
I quite like stairs.
357
00:33:43,458 --> 00:33:48,518
I often think they're
very undervalued - stairs.
358
00:34:10,138 --> 00:34:12,938
I told you! I knew it!
359
00:34:12,938 --> 00:34:17,198
The only one who hasn't
bought anything yet is HIM!
360
00:34:18,478 --> 00:34:22,938
For a person of casual habits,
you're hard to please.
361
00:34:22,938 --> 00:34:25,638
Because I didn't buy a wardrobe?
362
00:34:25,638 --> 00:34:30,518
Your friends didn't want what
they bought, but they bought it!
363
00:34:30,518 --> 00:34:35,498
I wanted something for a lady -
something delicate...
364
00:34:35,498 --> 00:34:38,338
something femi...feminini.
365
00:34:38,338 --> 00:34:42,718
Well...how about a SMALL wardrobe?
366
00:34:42,718 --> 00:34:47,878
I don't want a wardrobe.
I can't AFFORD a wardrobe.
367
00:34:47,878 --> 00:34:52,658
That's a reason I CAN understand.
You only had to say so!
368
00:34:52,658 --> 00:34:58,158
Nowt to be ashamed of in poverty.
But I don't like it wasting my time!
369
00:34:58,158 --> 00:35:00,698
Something for a lady...
370
00:35:00,698 --> 00:35:03,338
Does she play hockey?
371
00:35:03,338 --> 00:35:05,838
She don't play football, either.
372
00:35:07,418 --> 00:35:09,898
Little touch of sarcasm, eh?
373
00:35:09,898 --> 00:35:14,698
That's going to put a few bob
on your purchase price(!)
374
00:35:14,698 --> 00:35:17,358
There must be something for a lady.
375
00:35:22,098 --> 00:35:26,598
Oh, you're not telling me
I haven't got something for a lady?
376
00:35:35,718 --> 00:35:38,278
It's a Nora Batty hat!
377
00:35:38,278 --> 00:35:41,298
It's definitely a Nora Batty hat!
378
00:35:41,298 --> 00:35:43,278
Cheeky!
379
00:35:50,338 --> 00:35:53,398
Ey up! It's raining! Ey up!
380
00:35:53,398 --> 00:36:00,438
What's he doing wearing a hat
like that? It WAS a hat like that! Now, it's a hat like THIS!
381
00:36:00,438 --> 00:36:04,458
It'll dry.
That's what they told my Uncle Ned!
382
00:36:04,458 --> 00:36:09,398
It'll suit you better wet. It goes
with your wellies. Give it here!
383
00:36:46,198 --> 00:36:49,458
Oh! Clever Howard!
384
00:37:22,678 --> 00:37:24,658
Howard?
385
00:37:27,058 --> 00:37:30,038
CRASHING AND CLATTERING
386
00:37:35,318 --> 00:37:37,858
I keep telling you! It'll dry!
387
00:37:37,858 --> 00:37:42,938
We'll dry it back at Cleggs.
It will be as good as new.
388
00:37:42,938 --> 00:37:45,978
It's like a drownded ferret!
389
00:37:45,978 --> 00:37:48,978
Speaking of drownded ferrets...!
390
00:37:49,478 --> 00:37:51,578
Ey up!
391
00:37:51,578 --> 00:37:56,578
That's Marina! She looks as though
she's had a Merry Christmas already.
392
00:37:56,578 --> 00:38:03,398
They should ban office parties.
Nothing but trouble comes from Christmas office parties.
393
00:38:03,398 --> 00:38:06,358
'Ow do, Marina?
394
00:38:08,198 --> 00:38:10,678
I can't stop in this condition.
395
00:38:10,678 --> 00:38:15,258
What must you think of a person
in this condition?
396
00:38:15,258 --> 00:38:19,778
I can only promise you
it was entirely innocent!
397
00:38:19,778 --> 00:38:25,078
Just a slight miscalculation
on the bicycle!
398
00:38:32,218 --> 00:38:33,678
Hey!
399
00:38:44,938 --> 00:38:48,658
I think a party's a good idea.
400
00:38:48,658 --> 00:38:53,238
You're no good
stuck at home on your own.
401
00:38:53,238 --> 00:38:56,538
I find I still bake for two.
402
00:38:56,538 --> 00:38:59,258
I'm just the same.
403
00:38:59,258 --> 00:39:04,498
It's not easy to change
the ingredients after so long.
404
00:39:04,498 --> 00:39:09,498
Still baking for three, really!
He ate enough for two!
405
00:39:09,498 --> 00:39:11,758
So could mine!
406
00:39:11,758 --> 00:39:14,318
I know he never looked like he could.
407
00:39:14,318 --> 00:39:17,558
He made me feel so ashamed.
408
00:39:17,558 --> 00:39:22,138
You'd see him creeping about
looking under-nourished,
409
00:39:22,138 --> 00:39:28,398
and only I knew
he'd just walloped down a plateful fit to bust a navvy!
410
00:39:28,398 --> 00:39:32,498
Aye, he could eat!
I saw it in this cafe.
411
00:39:32,498 --> 00:39:39,138
Then he'd go wandering round
giving people the impression that I never fed him.
412
00:39:39,138 --> 00:39:46,158
I find I throw more stuff out
for the birds these days. I don't know why I bake at all!
413
00:39:46,158 --> 00:39:49,318
You've got to keep going.
414
00:39:49,318 --> 00:39:53,338
Baking for husbands
that are no longer there?
415
00:39:53,338 --> 00:39:57,578
Yes. Definitely.
As long as you CAN keep going.
416
00:39:58,958 --> 00:40:03,338
He never caught me sitting much
when he was alive.
417
00:40:03,338 --> 00:40:10,298
If he's watching,
I'm damned if he's going to think it's been a holiday since he went!
418
00:40:12,978 --> 00:40:17,838
You can't see Barry for buns!
How many have you got?!
419
00:40:17,838 --> 00:40:23,218
Enough for everybody. The vicar
can have what's left over.
420
00:40:23,218 --> 00:40:29,158
He may not be sound
on all his 39 Articles but he knows his buns!
421
00:40:29,158 --> 00:40:37,038
Mrs Hemmingway offered
but I talked her out of it. Her pastry isn't very light!
422
00:40:37,038 --> 00:40:41,638
- These are light.
- She thought HERS were light!
423
00:40:41,638 --> 00:40:48,098
There'll be enough mouths
that won't notice the difference! I would!
424
00:40:48,098 --> 00:40:51,238
No-one's ever criticised my pastry.
425
00:40:51,238 --> 00:40:53,398
Barry didn't!
426
00:40:53,398 --> 00:40:59,098
I only had a couple! I thought,
"Have a bun, Barry. Make a decision!
427
00:41:01,258 --> 00:41:07,418
"You've read a lot. Who else knows
the distance in nautical miles to Venus?
428
00:41:07,418 --> 00:41:09,878
"Or the chemical composition
of hair?"
429
00:41:13,718 --> 00:41:18,258
Don't just stand there
cuddling buns, Barry!
430
00:41:18,258 --> 00:41:24,038
- HE likes my buns.
- The young are impetuous!
431
00:41:24,038 --> 00:41:29,038
^
Barry's not impetuous. He's steady, aren't you, Barry?
432
00:41:29,038 --> 00:41:32,078
^
If he were steadier, he'd stop!
433
00:41:32,078 --> 00:41:34,418
Where shall I put them?
434
00:41:34,418 --> 00:41:38,338
^
With the others would be nice, Barry!
435
00:41:44,758 --> 00:41:51,718
We'll see you later.
I'm taking him home to get this oil off his suit!
436
00:41:53,218 --> 00:41:55,558
Have a word with him.
437
00:41:55,558 --> 00:42:01,518
It's not nice to discuss
the chemical composition of hair in mixed company.
438
00:42:01,518 --> 00:42:05,458
Mother!
I'll see you later.
439
00:42:06,518 --> 00:42:10,318
She handles him well
for a young woman.
440
00:42:10,318 --> 00:42:15,098
I don't think she fancied
handling him in that condition!
441
00:42:15,098 --> 00:42:21,098
It's a good sign
when they're covered in oil and such substances.
442
00:42:21,098 --> 00:42:27,578
It means they don't plan
to go places where they daren't leave fingerprints!
443
00:42:28,153 --> 00:42:30,433
Oh! Thank you.
444
00:42:40,513 --> 00:42:42,013
Ta!
445
00:42:45,433 --> 00:42:47,933
Does tha think she'll like it?
446
00:42:47,933 --> 00:42:50,993
Of course! It's a splendid hat!
447
00:42:50,993 --> 00:42:56,653
It has a touch of summer to it.
It's been a wet summer. Shut up!
448
00:42:56,653 --> 00:43:01,733
Ah! If she wears her summer pinny
with it, she'll look a picture!
449
00:43:01,733 --> 00:43:04,273
I think I've seen the picture.
450
00:43:04,273 --> 00:43:08,313
It was said to be unsuitable
for nervous people!
451
00:43:08,313 --> 00:43:12,753
KNOCK ON DOOR
I wonder who THAT can be(!)
452
00:43:19,293 --> 00:43:22,353
Good god! The phantom fisherman!
453
00:43:22,353 --> 00:43:26,673
I'm sorry to disturb you,
but it's an emergency.
454
00:43:26,673 --> 00:43:30,373
I've seen thee
on a label on a sardine tin!
455
00:43:31,453 --> 00:43:33,953
Do we know this shipwrecked person?
456
00:43:33,953 --> 00:43:35,993
It's ME!
457
00:43:35,993 --> 00:43:38,213
Howard from next door!
458
00:43:39,293 --> 00:43:41,853
Why are you dressed up like that?
459
00:43:41,853 --> 00:43:49,153
It's a long story. I told Pearl
I'm interested in fishing. I've got to make it convincing.
460
00:43:49,153 --> 00:43:51,693
You've convinced me, Howard!
461
00:43:51,693 --> 00:43:55,733
I've got to go.
Will you look after this?
462
00:43:55,733 --> 00:44:00,773
It's Marina's present. I can't
leave it where Pearl might find it.
463
00:44:00,773 --> 00:44:02,653
Howard!
464
00:44:07,033 --> 00:44:09,593
Where are you, Howard?
465
00:44:09,593 --> 00:44:12,933
Are you in there, Howard?
466
00:44:17,773 --> 00:44:22,713
Oh! Have you seen
a small lunatic in big boots?
467
00:44:22,713 --> 00:44:25,293
There he is!
468
00:44:25,293 --> 00:44:32,493
Pearl, love!
I was just asking these people if they'd like to go fishing.
469
00:44:32,493 --> 00:44:35,253
Tonight?!
No, love.
470
00:44:35,253 --> 00:44:40,213
Sometime in January. Next Sunday.
When it's summer. That often?!
471
00:44:42,753 --> 00:44:45,573
Oh, yes. It's a still life.
472
00:44:45,573 --> 00:44:47,933
Mistletoe in bottle on...
473
00:44:49,053 --> 00:44:51,133
..Mount Fuji.
474
00:44:51,133 --> 00:44:57,873
Are you going to be dressed up
like that all over Christmas? What a treat!
475
00:44:57,873 --> 00:45:02,893
I was just trying to rekindle
the excitement of fishing, love.
476
00:45:02,893 --> 00:45:08,313
If you do, it'll be the first
excitement you've kindled for years!
477
00:45:14,253 --> 00:45:19,293
I wonder what he's bought her.
Never mind. You've got a present.
478
00:45:19,293 --> 00:45:22,273
Present! Arghhh! My present!
479
00:45:23,333 --> 00:45:25,773
It's burning! Ohhh!
480
00:45:29,473 --> 00:45:31,513
Oh, dear!
481
00:45:31,513 --> 00:45:34,393
It's a burnt offering!
482
00:45:35,993 --> 00:45:40,993
GENERAL CHATTER AND MERRIMENT
483
00:45:45,513 --> 00:45:47,493
Well, well, well!
484
00:45:48,553 --> 00:45:50,833
No present for Nora Batty!
485
00:45:50,833 --> 00:45:54,393
But we will testify
that you tried!
486
00:45:54,393 --> 00:46:01,453
You should have brushed off
the burnt bits! I couldn't give her a tatty hat like that!
487
00:46:01,453 --> 00:46:07,953
It's exactly the kind she wears.
It were beyond all hope! Yes, the very kind!
488
00:46:07,953 --> 00:46:13,313
No. I'm not going to insult her
with something old and tatty!
489
00:46:13,313 --> 00:46:17,053
In that case, she won't like YOU!
490
00:46:19,153 --> 00:46:26,513
Do I look old and tatty, Norm?
Why are you worried so suddenly? You've been old and tatty for years.
491
00:46:29,373 --> 00:46:33,333
Of course I have!
I keep forgetting!
492
00:46:37,373 --> 00:46:39,833
Hey! Er... Hey!
493
00:46:42,613 --> 00:46:47,333
Don't worry. I'll get thee
a replacement when tha needs it!
494
00:46:48,413 --> 00:46:51,333
Don't come near me with mistletoe!
495
00:46:51,333 --> 00:46:54,333
Keep him and the mistletoe away!
496
00:46:55,313 --> 00:46:57,373
For me?
497
00:46:57,373 --> 00:46:59,633
Of course!
498
00:46:59,633 --> 00:47:04,653
I wouldn't forget thee
on Christmas Eve. You see!
499
00:47:04,653 --> 00:47:08,613
He can be thoughtful
when he wants!
500
00:47:10,933 --> 00:47:14,973
You shouldn't have! What is it?
Open it!
501
00:47:20,193 --> 00:47:27,633
I don't know what to say!
Don't say anything, love. Just enjoy it and think of me!
502
00:47:33,873 --> 00:47:36,073
I didn't know!
503
00:47:41,753 --> 00:47:44,273
THUD
504
00:47:50,633 --> 00:47:53,153
That's better than mistletoe!
505
00:47:53,153 --> 00:47:55,393
Subtitles by BBC Broadcast 2005
506
00:47:55,443 --> 00:47:59,993
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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