Original subtitles

Does tha remember Rene Longstaffe?

Only vaguely.

Best way.

Definitely the best way of remembering Rene Longstaffe.

Rene Longstaffe!

Poor girl.

And that was just her face.

Didn't she have some affliction? Yes, she did...

but he ran away with a barmaid.

I've always fancied that.

What?

Living tally with a barmaid.

It's the nearest thing to serious overdoing it

a working bloke can get.

Have you tried using both bars of your electric fire lately?

Working bloke?! Since when have YOU been a working bloke?

Oh... I'll admit to being idle.

It's the next best thing to being a teacher.

Finish your story. About Rene Longstaffe.

Didn't she used to have a limp?

Only in the leg.

I see it's going to be a day for intelligent conversation.

I saw her in the bookies on Friday.

Who?

Rene... Thing!

I'm sure we're all fascinated to learn that

Well... I just thought I'd mention it.

I mean I hadn't seen her for some time.

And I thought: "Hey up! That's Rene Limp with the Thing!"

Oi! Hey you lot! What do you think's going on here?

You can't sit on the grass here! No lulling about!

There's a sign that says, "Keep off the grass",

but someone's nicked it.

We were killing time until visiting hours. - You'd better kill it somewhere else.

And you'll get piles, which can be very

unpleasant for your medical attendence.

If you hadn't looked so scruffy, he'd never have bothered.

They don't go around moving middle class people in suits, you know.

I'm no scruffier than normal.

That's scruffy enough for anybody, isn't it?

You're on hospital premises.

You think you could make a BIT of an effort.

Can I borrow your comb, Norm? A bigger bit than that!

I haven't carried a comb since it was misunderstood

by a large bloke on a crowded wartime train.

We'll find a gents somewhere and get it tidied up a bit.

He's going to tidy me up, Norm.

Maybe it was an omen, seeing Rene Thing with the Limp.

Look how it's changing your life.

She can't pick horses, though. She couldn't pick husbands either, was she.

He must have had summat. He married a barmaid.

I bet that's a mixed blessing when you've no buttons on your shirt.

Can't I wait in the car? No, you CAN'T wait in the car.

It's your sister. Surely you can visit your own sister.

I never know what to say.

It's just as well with your mouth full of grapes. HER grapes.

You've got to do something.

And if you DO talk, it's all about tappets and valves and big ends.

People who are convalescing don't want to hear about your big ends.

Or even their own.

I'll take an assortment of your various blooms.

Which ones would you like, madam?

The fresh ones.

Heyup, Wesley! What's tha doing here? Its our lass, she has had her appendix out.

What are you lot doing here?

We're here visiting Clem Hemingway. I wouldn't mind visiting Clem Hemingway!

You're NOT visiting Clem Hemingway, you're here visiting your sister.

Now get on, and alter your face.

They look happier than that when they arrive in Casualty.

Give my regards to Clem, will you?

Here's our Seymour! - Edith.

Did you see that? He raises his hat even to family.

He's always been highly gifted in social graces, our Seymour.

He's got a natural grasp on how

to be a pillock I know that much.

Gerroff!

Let's use a little originality and get him something unexpected.

If tha spends more than a quid,

THAT'LL be unexpected. - A pound?!

Don't lose all sense of proportion! It's the thought that counts.

How much has it got to count up to?

I was thinking more in the terms of... 50p.

Ooh That'll cheer him up. Fifty pence!

There's no point in being silly. Supposing he doesn't get better?

Not much use buying him something

thats going to last, is it?

That kind of thinking will really gonna cheer him up!

Where did you pickup your

bedside manner from, Seymore?!

His mam were in the SS.

Ah! You can see where he's in for.

They've been fitting him with an indoor aerial.

I hate hospitals!

Everybody's inclined to whisper.

HEY, MISSUS! WE'RE LOOKING FOR CLEM HEMINGWAY!

Well, nearly everybody. Leave this to me.

We're looking for Mr Hemingway. - Oh... Ward 32.

The first long face past the screens.

Tha's a fine, big lass, eh?

He's in good hands, I can see that!

He could do with cheering up.

He's never been excessively bubbly, our Clem.

He's one of Yorkshire's gifted pessimists. - Why is that, you think?

It's a touch of Viking blood.

Some people play golf, the Scandinavians tend to commit suicide.

Mind you, sometimes golf is not entirely unlike... suicide.

Well! If it isn't Clem Hemingway!

Oh, God!

Is it visiting time again?

I swear, If I ever get well,

I'll visit somebody and see how THEY like it.

Sit down and behave yourself! How are you, Clem?

Well, I'm great, aren't I. That's why I'm stuck in frikking hospital.

He's a misery-guts!

I do what I can, but me heart's not in it.

Don't fight it, Clem.

I mean, maybe dying will suit your personality.

He don't look well.

Will you be QUIET! Talk about MY bedside manner!

I don't feel very well. I think I'm past caring.

Tha's right, Seymore. 50p is top whack.

What's he talking about?

Pay no attention. So, Clem, how are they treating you?

About 4 times a fizzing day!

Well, I mean, are you allright? Is there anything you need?

I miss me little dog. I never went anywhere without that little dog.

It's another misery-guts. It snaps at everything!

I love that little dog.

She's all teeth. Where her mouth ends, her tail seems to begin.

She's always chewing bits of postmen.

Ah. Well, well, well. Ha ha ha.

Oh, yes!

We've brought you something. - Nay, you shouldn't.

You'll probably think so when you open it. - Well, it's not much.

That's true.

A key-ring.

It is... it's a plastic key-ring. Well, fancy.

Any fool can buy grapes.

Well, fancy that. Me own key-ring.

Fair makes me wish I'd brought some keys. - You'll like it when you get home.

Something to look forward to. - Very useful, a key-ring.

Listen... Listen, fellas...

I want you to promise me...

If anything happens, I want you to look after me little dog.

Aw, give over, Clem!

Oh, don't be silly, man, you'll be home in no time!

..Twirling your key-ring.

Come on Clem, I mean, you only came in here with a hernia.

I'd got really used to that hernia.

Well, as I was saying...

W-what is it, lad? Sssh! Not so loud!

I've been watching them ladies.

I think they're talking about YOU. - Well, I KNOW that!

If Pearl's there, they're always talking about me.

As long as it's just suspicions, I'm all right.

As long as they don't come up with any... evidence.

If you hang on, I'll work me way over

and find out what they're saying.

Oh, no! Don't stir it up!

What do you think the attraction is?

What makes him chase after Marina?

God knows. I've spent nights trying to work it out.

I could understand it if she didn't look like Clacket's bus.

I can never tell what attracts a man.

There's a Mr Nicholson in our office likes silver nail polish.

Well, it makes a change from coffee.

Mostly it's perfume.

Some of these modern perfumes want locking up.

They're not safe in the bottle!

What does Marina wear?

Not a lot. Especially around that damn great bosom!

No! I mean what perfume does she wear?

Summat called Man-Eater, I expect. I don't know!

Don't you smell it on him when he's been with her?

When he comes creeping home, he takes one look at me,

and the only thing you can smell on him

is sheer - naked - FEAR!

I always think that's wise.

It's often a wife's best friend is sheer, naked fear.

He keeps going astray though, doesn't he.

Oh, I wouldn't say astray. Not REALLY astray.

I think he sort of just tiptoes around the edges.

You could be right.

They were seen tiptoeing behind the hedges near Muscroft's Farm.

Oh, Muscroft's Farm, yes...

It's alright. They're talking about somebody at Muscroft's Farm.

I know all about Muscroft's Farm. He fell into some nettles.

I say this much for him, as a lover he's the

kind of twit who'll always fall into nettles.

You sure that's all he fell into?

I'm positive. I saw exactly WHERE he was nettled.

What the devil are you doing, Barry?

Never you mind. Just don't let me catch you wearing silver nail polish.

Face like that.

It's not as if he's religious.

I've never seen him more depressed.

Clem Hemingway? He's never been any different has old Clem.

Not THAT bad, surely? No, we ought to do something.

Not another key-ring?

See if we can raise a smile. - Has thou ever seen him smile?

Maybe that's why he's in hospital, having a smile transplant.

It's not good being in hospital, being depressed.

He's great at it, he's realy great at being depressed, is old Clem!

I don't like to see any human being lying

on a sick bed in that frame of mind.

Sorry, but we're going to have to do something.

I mean, the man needs cheering up.

I shall put my mind to it. There must be a solution somewhere.

All he wants is his dog. That's the only thing that'll cheer him up.

I've got it! His little dog! They don't allow dogs in hospital,

but we could show it to him through the window.

Oh, I knew there was a solution!

Well? How did you find him?

Oh, we just walked into Ward 32...

..and there he was!

You always were a prat, even at school. That's true!

He seemed a trifle... Miserable.

I was going to say depressed. Miserable is closer.

He's just missing his little dog. - Not his wife, you notice.

Oh, I'm sure that's not true.

What do you think, Norman Clegg? Does he miss me or doesn't he?

It's no use asking me. I was always a prat at school as well.

I think I may have come up with a solution.

For curing prats? There'll be a big demand for it.

What I had in mind was a medicinal glimpse of his little dog.

His dog's in there. Take her if you think it'll do any good.

She'll enjoy the walk anyway.

The great lily! I told thee she's temperamental!

You've got to handle her gently.

Now, watch this. This is the way to do it.

Alright, don't worry. It's only me. It's alright...

You made an impression there, didn't you? - She's all teeth!

Even her tail looks dangerous.

What are you looking at me for?

I know what you're looking at me for. Well, you can forget it!

Oh, come on, man, She might be fine with you.

She doesn't sound fine.

Sometimes they take to certain people. - Oh, yes, by the ankle.

Try it, man! All you've got to do is show your face.

- Face?! That's where me throat is!

Are you sure she hasn't a triangular fin on her back?

Come on, Norm. You'll be allright!

I'm not listening to you. You were a prat, even at school.

If she doesn't like you, just come out. - Oh, I will, I will!

We'll give it a sedative. Vets do it all the time.

It calms them down, then they become quite amenable.

Where are we gonna get a sedative?

My niece lives around the corner. We can try there!

For a veterinary sedative?

It doesn't have to be veterinary. A human sedative will do perfectley well.

We just give a smaller dose.

Well, what I want to know is, how do you give it a sedative

so that you can... try and give it a sedative?

You disguise it with a bit of meat. - Like tha finger

I'm sorry, Uncle Seymour, I don't think we have a sedative.

Since I've been married I don't seem to need a sedative.

I don't think Barry's got a sedative. - I don't think I've ever had a sedative.

I don't think Barry will ever need a seditive.

If he calms down any more, he'll mortify.

I don't know if we have anything similar.

I'll go and look in the bathroom cabinet. - Thank you.

I could make some tea.

Great! - No-oo, thank you, Barry. No-oo, thank you, Barry

Why don't YOU say something? Go across there and talk to him.

Go on.

Well, er...

How's married life, Barry? - What?!

Oh, you needn't explain in detail.

I was just making conversation.

Tell him I wasnt prying. - No, he wasn't prying.

I-it's not that I mind answering the question,

it's just that I don't know what the answer is.

It's a big question, is how is married life?!

Well, most people say "horrible". - Do you mind?! He's married to my niece!

Oh, I wouldn't say it was horrible. It's just... different.

- From what, Barry?

From when you were free... I mean, care-free...

I mean... single. - Yes, it's a big responsibility.

Look, I'm sorry I asked! - I can hardly believe it happend.

Really, I find meself stopping in front of mirrors...

I look at this bloke in the mirror and I think,

"That's you, you fool, you're married!"

And do you know what's really weird?

I haven't got the first idea how it actually happened!

It happened because I have to make all the decisions for him.

We've got these travel-sick pills. They'll make you feel dozy.

They'll be fine, dear. Just the job!

At least they made me feel dozy. Barry went to sleep.

What's so terrible about going to sleep? We were on honeymoon!

Well, goodnight, all.

I told you we'd be back, to cheer you up.

Oh, yes, I thought maybe you meant

next time I were in hospital, or something.

But, no. Surprise, surprise, its visitors again already.

Flatterer. - This time we'll really cheer you up.

We decided, what you want to do, is take a walk to the window.

Listen, I'm not that miserable.

I don't mean to jump. I mean just to look out.

Your little dog. We've brought your little dog.

Bess? You've brought my little Bess?

Oh, he smiled! Look! He almost smiled!

Well, It doesn't suit him. He looks like their Edward.

How did she travel? She doesn't normally travel very well.

We gave her a travel pill, made her sleepy. But she's been as good as gold.

That were a lousy thing to say. - What?

Nobody looks like our Edward.

Me little dog! What's happened to me little dog?

Well, it's just a bit dog tired, Clem.

Now don't panic, Clem! She's perfectley alright!

Does she look alright?!

We'll PROVE she's alright.

We'll smuggle her inside, then you can see for yourself.

Bess...

Bess!

I hardly know anybody called Howard.

You've been seen "hardly" knowing him in too many places.

Why me? Why is it always me?

Because your clothes are suitable for stuffing unconciouss dogs into.

That's true.

I should try and remember which end is where.

Pull your jacket round a bit... Nobody's going to notice a thing!

I notice it. I can feel its claws!

Shift it round a bit...

Its a funny feeling, Norm. Having a dog up your jumper.

Nonsense! It's only a small dog!

If it goes any lower, I'd advise you to take very small steps.

It's a dead weight! How much did you give it?

Just a small pill. You saw it was only a small pill.

Now are you ready? I wanna take it up to him.

He's up there panicking.

We've got to show him that the dog is merely asleep.

It's warm!

Thank God for that!

Quick!

Careful! Watch it! Steady!

Can you feel a heartbeat?

Of course there's a heartbeat! Her nose is dry.

It was wet when she came in. Watch it, 'cos she bites.

Look! She's coming round! Who's a clever girl, then?

If that's natural childbirth, you can keep it!

It makes you glad you never got married.

Mind you, I wouldn't have missed how

close I've been on numerous occasions.

Listen, we'll have to get her out of here before a nurse comes.

It's been great seeing her, though. Listen, fella's, thanks.

He yelped at me! You heard that! He yelped at me.

Marvellous. I never even saw his lips move.

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