Original subtitles

Makes one believe there MUST be someone behind all this.

There's him. He's WAY behind.

No! Look at him, he looks like Oxfam's waste-bin.

Come on, lad! I won't have you this late without a note from your parents.

Just hold tha water, Evadne! These are not uphill wellies...

these are DOWN-hill wellies!

Are you too idle to enjoy a little exercise?

He is. He's too idle.

Long as he can raise a pint, he thinks he's in peek condition.

Listen!

I am programmed to lie in bed.

Call it destiny. Call it what you like. -I call it sheer,

undiluted, disgusting bone-idleness.

That's a fair description.

Oh, look at Clegg... staring out so thoughtfully.

He knows how to appreciate moments like this.

I was wondering if Atkinson's would have any fruit loaf left.

Oh, ye gods!

Who's teacher's pet, then?

Walls. I hate to see morons defacing walls!

Schoolboys write things in toilets you wouldn't believe.

But you try setting them an essay.

An entire generation literate only on walls.

I always think it was a mistake to have obscene words of only four letters.

I mean... if rude words had a compulsory minimum

of eight letters,

most of your graffiti freaks would have to retire overnight.

Quite true! You can't get 'em to use a dictionary.

Trouble is, it won't come off, you know. There were one or two places I had

to stand a fat boy on Parents Day.

Where is he?

For somebody his size, it's a long way up.

It's time he was up! The story of his life.

His wellies - they'll be filled with water, holding him down!

He hasn't come up yet!

Excuse me! Aren't you a bit old for canal swimming.

You... little... SWINE!

That'll teach thee not to jump to conclusions!

I'll jump on YOU when I get my shoes on!

Good God, man!

Put it down to experience.

And just remember in future, not every splash means

some pillock has fallen in!

I'm never going in again!

Again?! Tha never went in this time.

Ha ha! It was damn close, though.

I could feel myself drowning.

I could see... me own funeral.

It was a gorgeous day and I was thinking,

"Well, that's typical, isn't it?

"Why the hell can't it be raining?"

I don't know what you're getting your knickers in a twist for.

I never let thee fall in. Did I?

Ignore him.

What's the matter? Lost tha sense of humour? Ignore him.

Ignore who? Can't you take a joke?

Get me out!

Will you get me OUT?!

What's the matter? Lost your sense of humour, then?

Cat got your tongue, has it? See if I care!

Who's he think he is, not speaking to people?

Gets a bath and there's no living with him!

I bet it's ruined me jacket.

Going to match your trousers then, isn't it?

Ah. I'll admit they were past it.

Past it? They weren't fit to pass anybody!

What you needed most was a heated rear window.

I'll tell thee where it was real chilly.

Oh, please don't go into details!

In that damn canal!

Hey up, Eli!

Stick with this machine, Eli.

Don't leave it. Keep hold of it.

I hate this job! It gets trickier every week!

I used to feel like that when I got engaged.

Hey up, that's mine!

Someone's knocking at the door!

What the dickens have you done now?

I never touched it!

You don't get all this bother when you dry things on a clothes horse.

Can somebody get the door! I daren't leave this machine!

Have you let something in your pockets? -By heck, I hope it's not my ferrets!

It's as complicated a machine as I can cope with. a clothes horse.

Out of the way! Let me get to this machine!

You shouldn't leave stuff in your pockets!

You never know with his pockets, they run for miles through the linings.

Oh, look at him... It's a potholers paradise.

What is it?

It's an item that shouldn't be in your pocket, when using this machine.

Its not mine! I didn't put it in there!

What IS it?

It looks like somebody's hand! -It's definitely not mine.

It looks like silver. -It could be mine.

Oh... quicksilver.

You must have grabbed it in your panic, in the canal.

And put it in me pocket?! -Your hands are always in your pocket.

Not when I'm drowning.

I find it hard to believe that even in that late state

of your life you suddenly decided to smarten yourself up.

He's a real pillock, Norm! I mean, do people grab things when they panic?

Of course they do! -I suppose they must do.

Otherwise it's almost impossible to understand how

Gordon Hemingway ever finnished up with Mrs Gordon Hemingway.

Thats true.

What else did you feel when you were down there in the canal?

Chilly. And I still feel chilly.

Well, how do you think it feels waking up next to Mrs Gordon Hemingway?

I suppose you could get used to it.

That's a most chilling thing I've ever heared.

It's looks like a peace of a silver candlestick.

I should say early Georgian... with strong continental influence.

There's probably more of that stuff down there.

Oh, jolly hockey-sticks.

Somebody else can go down there! -Now, don't be obstructive.

You're the only one who

knows where it is. -Bog off!

Language! And off them tables!

What the blood and stomach pills is he wearing now?!

Oh, he's, er... He's just walking it for a friend.

Me other stuff's in the wash.

Well, I'm not complaining about that, but... Oh, dear me!

Thats just what I need my customers to see. Talk about cafe society!

I'm decent!

I'll shall never know if they're coming in for tea, buns or a look at the lunatics!

Oh, You want me to take it off, then he??

You made an impression there. -It's me personality, Norm.

I thought you were chilly. -I am chilly.

Then keep yourself wrapped up!

Have you any idea what the health Inspector could do to me

if he walked in here, and saw cold meat on display without a cover on it?

Right, let's have you served and out!

♪ There'll be a welcome in the hillside... ♪

Lets have your orders, please!

- He'd like something warm. - What about a single to Saudi Arabia

Oh, I could go for that - being an oil shriek.

Six wives and four camels... Phwaar! Lovely, that. Lovely!

The kind of woman he attracts, he is probbebly

going to pick them out from the camels.

That's easy. You look for the ones that can go for days without water.

Sounds like me mam. She were on milk stout.

Get them down yer and go!

♪ There'll be a welcome in the hillside... ♪

♪ There'll be a welcome in the dale... ♪

Oh, my God!

I think it's brilliant, Howard. You're a GENIUS!

Oh, I wouldn't say GENIUS. I wouldn't go as far as GENIUS.

You were absolutely right.

Nobody is ever going to recognise us, dressed in this lot.

Including me. -It just came to me one night in bed.

Which is more than I've ever done.

I'm working on it. -You keep saying that.

I've got it all planned.

Oh... Howard! -Don't rock the boat!

Tell me HOW we're going to get away, Howard.

Well, once Pearl's grown used to the idea of me as a fisherman...

Yes, Howard?

Once she's accepted this new sporting image...

Oh, God... Not THAT long, Howard.

It won't BE that long. I've got it planned.

I make sure she sees me handling maggots without flinching.

Can you do that, Howard?

Nearly.

If we get away for a night... I want you to promise me something, Howard.

Anything.

You will wash your hands, won't you, Howard?

That is, IF we ever get away. -We'll get away!

Once she's accepting me as Howard the Hunter,

fanatical in pursuit of his prey,

I shall tell her I'm taking up NIGHT fishing.

Night fishing!

Ooh, Howard!

Don't rock the boat!

You can see what's happened.

Oh, I can whats happened.. I'm warm and dry and I'm going to stay that way!

It's perfectly clear... The thieves came FLEEING over the bridge.

-What thieves? Well, I can't give you their names and numbers.

The thieves, whoever they were, probably in a panic.

Well, that makes a change from a Transit.

Thieves these days are often in an old Ford Transit.

Apparently, it's an ideal thieving vehicle.

Er, I don't think Ford actually offer a complete thieving pack...

I'm not suggesting it's one of their options.

Oh, dearie, dearie me!

Obviously, the thieves came fleeing to the bridge!

It'd be dark. It's a quiet spot. There'd just be this one splash.

One splash? -Yes. One splash.

-Why? Did one of 'em fall in? No, you backward boy! The loot! The swagg!

Now do you understand? - I'm not thick! Don't exaggerate!

I've just one problem! - What's that?

Why the hell does the loot go in the water?

He must have been a right butterfingers!

Didn't he keep wicket for the Second XI?

Shut up! It didn't FALL in.

They dropped it deliberately, to hide it, untill the heat cools off!

Listen, Ada, EVERYTHING cools off down there!

It's a superb hiding place! And WE only found it by chance!

We?! I don't remember anybody else down there! What's all this "we"?

The point is to remember exactly where... YOU found it.

At least you know one thing, it's under the water.

You don't have to waste your time on top.

I'm not going back in there again!

We have to make sure of our facts before we report it to the police.

Oh, I'm sure of the facts! And I am NOT going back in there again!

There could be some important silver down there.

The owners are going to be VERY grateful.

Oh, this could be my introduction to the county set.

There could be odd jobs I could get you.

You'd like doing odd jobs round the stately homes, wouldn't you?

I think thats a NO. Alright, there's another way.

Nobody has to go in. All we need is a plastic bucket.

That I can fit with a glass bottom.

If we had a plastic bucket.

Ohoo, I know where we get a bucket.

Ooh,ooh yeah, I know..

Is that you ringing my...? What ARE you doing in a grown-up raincoat?

I have come to show you, lass, Because of our special relationship...

I want thee to be the first to see what I am wearing underneath my raincoat.

Don't you DARE unbutton a raincoat at me!

So that's how you get a plastic bucket?! -Are you sure drowning wasn't be easier?

I'm going to be in trouble, Norm. She expects her bucket back in one piece.

When she gets it back like that,

maybe she'll stop throwing buckets at you. -I'm thinking you're right.

Tha sees how easy it is for some big twit to put his boot right through your love life.

-Stop moaning, man.

Ohh... I'm going to miss her throwing that bucket at me.

Basically, you're just a romantic fool.

Aye, I am, Norm. -Well, you're not dressed for it.

It's like a Valentine. I got it regular every year.

Delivered by hand.

She'll get it back. - Wi' no bottom?!

That's going to bring a smile to her cheeks, ain't it!

She'll get a glass bottom in it. Glass is much more attractive than plastic.

Not when she's throwing it at me!

Oh, try and cut a perfect circle, Wesley.

We don't want any ragged edges.

I wish you'd bear in mind, Seymour, I'm not

your hi-tech Star Trek computer factory!

I just potter about with a few motors!

What do you think this is? Houston Space Control?!

You see what I mean? You ask for precision and they go to all pieces.

Give it here! Do you mind?! I was the one that got the bucket!

D'you know what you're looking for? Expert on Georgian silver, are we?

I know I'm a terrible sailor, but are you sure it isn't getting rougher?

On a canal? How can it get rougher?

Well, how come I'm feeling seasick?

Ye gods, man! It's as flat as a POND!

Well, I'm not too good on ponds either. -Hey up!

I see something! Oh...

Let me see, let me see! -Will you get out of it?! What is it?

Hang on a minute... Ah!

It is! It is! What? An old mattress.

Don't be an idiot, Who's gonna

come here to dump old mattresses?!

I'm not going in. Oh, of COURSE you're not going in.

Wesley's promised to bring you something which'll keep you dry.

I'm still not going IN! We've just BEEN through all this!

He's not listening! -There's a lot of it about.

Here they come now.

What is it? -Just you wait till Wesley is ready to show it to you.

It's a UEV. -It's a WHAT?!

It's an Underwater Exploration Vehicle.

The last challenge facing man, remember.

It's two old oil drums welded together!

I'm NOT getting in that! -Oh, there's gratitude for you.

You said you didn't want to go in the water.

We get you this SUPERB alternative and still you're not satisfied.

Correct. I'm still not satisfied!

Why me? Why me? Because it's been calculated for your size.

Wesley has tailored it personally just for you.

-Wesley's a prawn! Have you seen his cars?

They work! Me cars work!

Well, yes... for a prawn.

You'll be all right once you get inside. It's very ingenious.

There's a steering device...

And pedals... you can work it with.

Oh. A subma-bicycle.

And there's a snorkel-cum-periscope you can put up.

Aw, that's clever! Let Barry do it. He's about my size.

I'm not! I'm nowhere NEAR your size!

Even to a casual observer I'm nowhere near your size!

Heyup, he's dead keen! -He works for building societies.

They're not allowed to be adventurous.

This kind of thing needs... a freer spirit!

Bog off!

Oh, freer than that! -Just try it for size.

And you'll see it's a perfect fit.

I'm not staying in if I don't like it.

You don't HAVE to stay in if you don't like it.

You're just trying it for size.

Isn't that comfortable?

..Can you hear me?

Tell him to get stuffed!

He can hear you. I'm pretty sure he could hear you.

Just tap on the hull if you want to come out.

Ah, he'd be quite comfortable in there, I think.

It gets so difficult to find places where you can really be... alone.

I know.

But I think you've cracked it here, Howard.

I have, haven't I? It's sheer genius!

If only we had a bigger boat...

If only...

Still... As long as we're alone...

Oh, my God! It's Pearl in a submarine!

Anything to report? I've just sunk Howard and Marina!

Carry on.

Aye, aye, SIR!

What are we all searching for, anyway?

We're looking for the rest of this Georgian silver.

Georgian silver? -Yes. From a silver candlestick.

It's from a lavatory ballcock, you twit!

Ah, yes, but with strong continental influences.

You stupid gets! I'll get you...!

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