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1
00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:11,525
Ow!
2
00:02:30,665 --> 00:02:32,145
CRASH!
3
00:02:50,465 --> 00:02:54,365
Did your missus ever go
in for fancy underwear?
4
00:02:56,705 --> 00:02:58,265
I've no idea.
5
00:02:58,265 --> 00:03:00,825
She hasn't either.
6
00:04:26,085 --> 00:04:29,045
Don't just leave them
all over me new kitchen.
7
00:04:29,045 --> 00:04:31,185
I paid for the thing, didn't I?
8
00:04:31,185 --> 00:04:34,225
It smells sweaty.
9
00:04:34,225 --> 00:04:36,905
It's more than you ever do.
10
00:04:36,905 --> 00:04:40,605
It's not macho, you know.
Just sweaty.
11
00:04:40,605 --> 00:04:45,685
You've got a lot of mouth for
somebody with deformed toenails.
12
00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:48,005
No, they're not.
13
00:04:48,005 --> 00:04:51,785
You paint 'em red,
they still look like cornflakes.
14
00:04:51,785 --> 00:04:53,765
Red cornflakes.
15
00:04:59,945 --> 00:05:03,145
TALKING IN DISTANCE
16
00:05:03,145 --> 00:05:05,185
Shut up, woman!
17
00:05:05,185 --> 00:05:07,125
You're such a slob, Gary.
18
00:05:07,125 --> 00:05:09,385
Wealthy slob, if you don't mind!
19
00:05:26,545 --> 00:05:29,505
Who's a pretty boy, then? Hm?
20
00:05:31,145 --> 00:05:33,605
Who's a pretty boy, then?
21
00:05:54,825 --> 00:05:57,465
Oi!
22
00:05:57,465 --> 00:05:59,605
You say that very well.
23
00:05:59,605 --> 00:06:01,745
A voice full of authority.
24
00:06:01,745 --> 00:06:05,045
You can put that lot down.
25
00:06:05,045 --> 00:06:10,185
It would be a pleasure to assist
a gentleman of your calibre with the menial duties.
26
00:06:10,185 --> 00:06:11,665
On your way.
27
00:06:13,845 --> 00:06:19,345
Have you never thought of
somebody in my condition to help with the heavy lifting? Out!
28
00:06:19,345 --> 00:06:25,065
Quite right. It's unreasonable
in the circumstances. I should've made an appointment. Bog off!
29
00:06:25,065 --> 00:06:28,585
You're a leader of men,
I can see that.
30
00:06:36,745 --> 00:06:38,665
SINGING IN THE DISTANCE
31
00:06:52,265 --> 00:06:57,745
Oh! Mind where you're putting that!
Do stay still. Stop wriggling about.
32
00:06:57,745 --> 00:07:00,585
I'm not doing it.
33
00:07:00,585 --> 00:07:03,005
It's the ingratitude that hurts.
34
00:07:03,005 --> 00:07:06,865
Don't you believe it.
It's the needle that hurts.
35
00:07:06,865 --> 00:07:09,125
I'm not doing it.
36
00:07:09,125 --> 00:07:13,385
All you have to do
is handle the loudspeakers.
37
00:07:13,385 --> 00:07:15,185
I-I-I-I-I'M...
38
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:17,845
NOT DOING I-I-I-IT!
39
00:07:17,845 --> 00:07:20,445
Is that loudspeaker
enough for thee?
40
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:25,345
I thought you wanted to go. Oh, I do.
41
00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:28,905
I want to see Nora Batty
in that waitress's outfit.
42
00:07:28,905 --> 00:07:34,165
Cor! I bet she looks a right
little belter in that, eh?
43
00:07:34,165 --> 00:07:37,025
Well, braces spring more to mind.
44
00:07:37,025 --> 00:07:40,165
Oh, she knocks me out
when she's done up.
45
00:07:41,745 --> 00:07:43,365
Gracie Fields.
46
00:07:43,365 --> 00:07:46,725
When she's done up,
she reminds me of Gracie Fields.
47
00:07:46,725 --> 00:07:48,985
Are you sure you
don't mean WC Fields?
48
00:07:48,985 --> 00:07:51,965
Oh, I'm not saying she's perfect.
49
00:07:51,965 --> 00:07:55,945
Oh, perish the thought.
She's got wrinkles.
50
00:07:55,945 --> 00:07:58,005
Not on her face.
51
00:07:58,005 --> 00:07:59,605
On her ankles.
52
00:07:59,605 --> 00:08:04,585
She'd be very impressed to see
you handling the loudspeakers.
53
00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:07,925
No! Oh, it hardly seems fair.
54
00:08:07,925 --> 00:08:09,805
Here am I, helping you.
55
00:08:09,805 --> 00:08:14,045
Listen, Penelope, I never
asked thee to mend my trousers!
56
00:08:14,045 --> 00:08:17,865
That's because you never have to
walk behind you going uphill. Eh!
57
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:19,645
Oh!
58
00:08:28,125 --> 00:08:32,425
Do you know
that you've got a double?
59
00:08:35,925 --> 00:08:38,185
I'm not doing it!
60
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:42,365
But you can help me test
the speakers, can't you?
61
00:08:42,365 --> 00:08:46,865
Yeah, but I didn't think I'd
have to wear them! They suit you.
62
00:08:46,865 --> 00:08:49,245
You look really good in speakers.
63
00:08:49,245 --> 00:08:52,085
It's your clothes
you look terrible in.
64
00:08:52,085 --> 00:08:54,485
Off you go then, across the fields.
65
00:08:54,485 --> 00:08:56,405
You mean I have to walk in these?
66
00:08:56,405 --> 00:09:01,865
That's the whole idea -
a public address system that will really get to the people.
67
00:09:01,865 --> 00:09:03,865
It can follow them if it has to.
68
00:09:13,285 --> 00:09:16,725
I could never follow anybody
in this!
69
00:09:16,725 --> 00:09:19,305
Supposing I caught Nora Batty?
70
00:09:19,305 --> 00:09:22,425
I'd never get me
woofer past me tweeter.
71
00:09:29,045 --> 00:09:30,705
Who does he remind you of?
72
00:09:32,565 --> 00:09:34,185
I know.
73
00:09:34,185 --> 00:09:36,305
Nureyev.
74
00:09:36,305 --> 00:09:38,705
Well...
75
00:09:38,705 --> 00:09:40,345
Maybe Old-reyev.
76
00:10:34,898 --> 00:10:36,838
FEEDBACK
77
00:10:40,358 --> 00:10:43,058
BANGING
78
00:10:50,798 --> 00:10:52,178
All right.
79
00:10:52,178 --> 00:10:54,258
ECHO: All right.
80
00:10:56,018 --> 00:10:59,258
That's enough.
You needn't go any further.
81
00:10:59,258 --> 00:11:00,718
VOICE ECHOES
82
00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:09,038
As a matter of fact, we had no
intention of going any further.
83
00:11:09,038 --> 00:11:12,918
Who's a cheeky
little tweeter, then?
84
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:56,078
I'm going to really
miss that bicycle.
85
00:11:56,078 --> 00:11:58,278
We used to go everywhere together.
86
00:11:59,278 --> 00:12:03,398
The only time I ever left
it was on my honeymoon.
87
00:12:03,398 --> 00:12:05,478
I missed it that time, too.
88
00:12:05,478 --> 00:12:08,018
Well, I hope he falls off,
whoever he is.
89
00:12:08,018 --> 00:12:10,998
They should never have abandoned
the death penalty.
90
00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:13,578
For stealing bicycles?
91
00:12:13,578 --> 00:12:16,018
Well, only in extreme cases.
92
00:12:17,578 --> 00:12:20,838
You can't even cane people, nowadays.
93
00:12:20,838 --> 00:12:23,978
Imagine never being able
to cane people!
94
00:12:23,978 --> 00:12:26,298
Ooh, I had some stick in my time!
95
00:12:26,298 --> 00:12:30,118
Oh, I must've come top in stick.
96
00:12:30,118 --> 00:12:34,778
We've been together such
a long time, me and that bicycle.
97
00:12:34,778 --> 00:12:37,878
I was on me third saddle.
98
00:12:37,878 --> 00:12:41,978
I feel like Roy Rogers
losing Trigger.
99
00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:46,178
Not Mrs Rogers, just Trigger.
100
00:12:46,178 --> 00:12:47,858
I tell you what, Norm.
101
00:12:47,858 --> 00:12:51,938
I should have told you to
come with a whistle. Trigger did.
102
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:57,358
Well, he had to in case
Roy Rogers burst into another song.
103
00:12:57,358 --> 00:13:00,938
The biggest shock I ever got,
cowboy-wise,
104
00:13:00,938 --> 00:13:04,898
was somebody called Gene Autry
turning out to be a man.
105
00:13:04,898 --> 00:13:08,538
What about my name, then? Seymour.
106
00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:12,458
That sounds like a material
for ladies' blouses.
107
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:13,938
THEY LAUGH
108
00:13:39,878 --> 00:13:42,918
BOTTLES CLATTER
109
00:13:52,078 --> 00:13:55,958
It's the end of civilisation
as we know it.
110
00:13:57,538 --> 00:14:00,498
That's how Rome went, you know.
111
00:14:00,498 --> 00:14:04,138
Vandalism and nicking bicycles.
112
00:14:04,138 --> 00:14:10,058
The hallmark of a healthy society
is not per capita income,
113
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:12,038
it's - can you leave your bicycle?
114
00:14:14,018 --> 00:14:16,658
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
115
00:14:16,658 --> 00:14:19,858
I know that bell.
116
00:14:19,858 --> 00:14:21,318
That's my bell.
117
00:14:23,978 --> 00:14:25,698
That's my bell he's riding!
118
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,118
That's my bicycle.
119
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:31,178
COMPO WHISTLES
Stop!
120
00:14:31,178 --> 00:14:33,398
ALL: Stop!
121
00:14:35,058 --> 00:14:36,898
We've got your description!
122
00:14:36,898 --> 00:14:39,058
It's not the real me!
123
00:14:39,058 --> 00:14:40,838
The real me is taller.
124
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:44,018
We'll never catch him.
125
00:14:44,018 --> 00:14:47,138
I could move like a ferret
till you mended me trousers.
126
00:14:47,138 --> 00:14:50,358
Being stitched up interferes
with my natural flow.
127
00:14:50,358 --> 00:14:56,498
Do you think he'll be kind to my
bicycle? Stop worrying. I'll get it back. I'll commandeer this vehicle.
128
00:15:05,478 --> 00:15:08,078
Did you see that? He nearly had me!
129
00:15:09,198 --> 00:15:12,958
A trilby.
It was being driven by a trilby.
130
00:15:15,578 --> 00:15:19,178
Another instant, I could have
been reclassified entirely.
131
00:15:19,178 --> 00:15:21,218
Talk about Gene Autry!
132
00:15:21,218 --> 00:15:23,218
Not fit to be on the road.
133
00:15:23,218 --> 00:15:24,978
Weren't bad for a trilby.
134
00:15:26,578 --> 00:15:29,738
We'll never catch him now.
Oooh!
135
00:15:29,738 --> 00:15:31,478
CRASH!
136
00:15:46,138 --> 00:15:47,878
Sunday driver!
137
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:56,478
Oh! Oh! Oh!
138
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:00,218
This machine belongs to...
139
00:16:00,218 --> 00:16:01,818
Did you get his number?
140
00:16:01,818 --> 00:16:03,498
Never mind that.
141
00:16:03,498 --> 00:16:05,218
We've got YOUR number.
142
00:16:05,218 --> 00:16:07,498
You were a witness.
143
00:16:07,498 --> 00:16:09,738
Not exactly.
144
00:16:09,738 --> 00:16:12,198
Well, near enough.
145
00:16:14,438 --> 00:16:17,518
There could be a little something
in it for you.
146
00:16:20,178 --> 00:16:23,918
It is mine. You can tell
by the height of the saddle.
147
00:16:25,878 --> 00:16:27,778
You saw him run me down.
148
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:29,518
I saw no such thing.
149
00:16:29,518 --> 00:16:32,758
Leaving me in this
pitiable condition.
150
00:16:33,578 --> 00:16:36,238
You look well enough to me.
151
00:16:36,238 --> 00:16:39,278
Well,
I try to keep a brave face on it.
152
00:16:40,858 --> 00:16:42,898
How about you?
153
00:16:42,898 --> 00:16:46,498
You have a keen attentive look.
154
00:16:46,498 --> 00:16:49,058
I used to have a ferret like that.
155
00:16:49,058 --> 00:16:52,518
Well, I used to have
a bicycle and this is it.
156
00:16:52,518 --> 00:16:54,498
Er, well...
157
00:16:54,498 --> 00:16:56,758
All I can tell you is...
158
00:16:56,758 --> 00:17:01,138
when I came to after the accident,
there it was, lying there.
159
00:17:01,138 --> 00:17:04,538
But you passed through us,
riding it up there.
160
00:17:04,538 --> 00:17:07,318
You nearly knocked us down.
You see!
161
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,858
What a retentive memory you've got.
162
00:17:09,858 --> 00:17:12,238
You'd make a marvellous witness.
163
00:17:14,738 --> 00:17:18,318
All we can witness to
is a stolen bicycle.
164
00:17:18,318 --> 00:17:22,218
We saw thee riding it. Thee
made a right bog of it, an' all.
165
00:17:22,218 --> 00:17:24,578
Take your bicycle.
166
00:17:24,578 --> 00:17:27,478
Leave me to bleed to death.
167
00:17:29,858 --> 00:17:32,178
I've got me bicycle back...
168
00:17:32,178 --> 00:17:33,778
Just leave it to me.
169
00:17:33,778 --> 00:17:35,818
But the poor chap's injured.
170
00:17:35,818 --> 00:17:40,178
I'm not surprised. He lies so fast,
he's probably twisted something.
171
00:17:40,178 --> 00:17:41,898
Oh, go on.
172
00:17:41,898 --> 00:17:46,498
Leave me...
while me life ebbs away.
173
00:17:46,498 --> 00:17:48,818
I like him.
174
00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:50,698
He overdoes it so.
175
00:17:50,698 --> 00:17:56,818
Oh, that'll teach me to
take this bicycle I found and ride it towards the police station.
176
00:17:56,818 --> 00:18:00,358
Oh, well, there you go, you see.
177
00:18:00,358 --> 00:18:01,898
That explains it.
178
00:18:01,898 --> 00:18:05,998
Do you think I
should give him a tip?
179
00:18:05,998 --> 00:18:07,798
You're not going to fall for that?
180
00:18:08,678 --> 00:18:10,678
On your feet, you. Up.
181
00:18:10,678 --> 00:18:15,658
Come on. Impossible
in this broken condition.
182
00:18:15,658 --> 00:18:17,518
HORN BLARES
183
00:18:27,538 --> 00:18:30,258
..9,
184
00:18:30,258 --> 00:18:32,418
10, 11, 12.
185
00:18:32,418 --> 00:18:34,638
There you are. One dozen forks.
186
00:18:34,638 --> 00:18:36,118
Right.
187
00:18:38,278 --> 00:18:40,718
Be careful, Milburn.
188
00:18:40,718 --> 00:18:42,498
You can't carry all that lot.
189
00:18:42,498 --> 00:18:45,338
I can. I can carry this lot.
190
00:18:45,338 --> 00:18:46,798
Oh!
191
00:18:56,818 --> 00:19:00,218
You can't get it through the door.
192
00:19:00,218 --> 00:19:03,338
No, I can't get it through the door.
193
00:19:03,338 --> 00:19:05,358
But I can carry this lot.
194
00:19:10,818 --> 00:19:12,618
They won't be told.
195
00:19:12,618 --> 00:19:14,458
What is it with young men?
196
00:19:14,458 --> 00:19:16,938
I blame tight trousers.
197
00:19:16,938 --> 00:19:21,618
I'll say this much for old men -
as least they always wear baggy trousers.
198
00:19:32,618 --> 00:19:35,418
I don't know what he bought it for.
199
00:19:35,418 --> 00:19:37,718
What did you buy it for?
200
00:19:39,278 --> 00:19:40,998
All right.
201
00:19:40,998 --> 00:19:43,718
I admit I don't send you Valentines,
202
00:19:43,718 --> 00:19:45,298
but I've bought you a van.
203
00:19:45,298 --> 00:19:47,338
He'll be all right with this.
204
00:19:47,338 --> 00:19:50,438
She's not so bad, is this. Why?
205
00:19:50,438 --> 00:19:53,158
Tell me why. We never go anywhere.
206
00:19:53,158 --> 00:19:54,778
Well, now we can, pet.
207
00:19:54,778 --> 00:19:57,358
And why a damn great van?
208
00:19:57,358 --> 00:20:00,218
So we can get things in the back.
209
00:20:00,218 --> 00:20:02,458
Oh, aye?
210
00:20:02,458 --> 00:20:04,178
You and who else?
211
00:20:09,018 --> 00:20:11,818
You can soon tidy this.
212
00:20:11,818 --> 00:20:17,558
If it ever comes round here
smelling of cheap perfume, I'll wrap it round his pelvis.
213
00:20:21,298 --> 00:20:23,038
DOOR SLAMS
214
00:20:27,558 --> 00:20:29,738
I've seen worse than this.
215
00:20:29,738 --> 00:20:31,558
Have you ever seen worse than that?
216
00:20:31,558 --> 00:20:34,458
What? That that's just gone indoors.
217
00:20:34,458 --> 00:20:36,518
Weren't a bad bit of carpet, were it?
218
00:20:38,618 --> 00:20:41,498
We were married in Scarborough.
219
00:20:41,498 --> 00:20:44,718
She looked better in Scarborough.
220
00:20:44,718 --> 00:20:47,758
Not many things look
better in Scarborough.
221
00:20:51,478 --> 00:20:54,358
Wesley... What?
222
00:20:54,358 --> 00:20:59,638
Have you ever felt the urge to
wander outside your marriage?
223
00:20:59,638 --> 00:21:03,718
Where to? Where do you think?
"Where to?"
224
00:21:03,718 --> 00:21:06,158
Somewhere sympathetic.
225
00:21:07,738 --> 00:21:10,298
Attractive.
226
00:21:10,298 --> 00:21:11,918
Exciting.
227
00:21:11,918 --> 00:21:14,278
Female.
228
00:21:14,278 --> 00:21:16,778
Another woman? Well, yes.
229
00:21:16,778 --> 00:21:22,338
That would be more suitable
than almost anything if you're looking for something female.
230
00:21:22,338 --> 00:21:27,478
Just remember, Milburn,
it's important that we make a success of this.
231
00:21:27,478 --> 00:21:31,938
Our first big move into outside
catering. Put that in the back seat.
232
00:21:31,938 --> 00:21:34,538
It's a charitable social function.
233
00:21:34,538 --> 00:21:36,338
It's a good cause.
234
00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:40,558
Everybody who is anybody will be
there scoffing our barbecue.
235
00:21:40,558 --> 00:21:43,718
It could be make or break for us,
Milburn.
236
00:21:45,678 --> 00:21:48,098
Are you listening to me, Milburn?
237
00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:51,258
Oh, I'm listening. What am I saying?
238
00:21:51,258 --> 00:21:53,658
You were saying...
239
00:21:53,658 --> 00:21:55,738
"Put that in the back seat, Milburn."
240
00:21:55,738 --> 00:21:57,858
Ooh!
241
00:21:57,858 --> 00:22:03,458
Now, Mrs Batty's going with you
and she'll show you where to lay things out.
242
00:22:03,458 --> 00:22:05,218
Is it safe, this thing?
243
00:22:05,218 --> 00:22:07,558
It's a great little car.
244
00:22:07,558 --> 00:22:09,738
Is this all of it?
245
00:22:09,738 --> 00:22:11,438
Shouldn't there be more?
246
00:22:11,438 --> 00:22:13,798
This is all they gave me
when I got it.
247
00:22:21,638 --> 00:22:25,958
Uh, it's...going to be a bit
crowded, that's all.
248
00:22:27,858 --> 00:22:29,478
Me?
249
00:22:29,478 --> 00:22:31,178
Go with another woman?
250
00:22:31,178 --> 00:22:34,138
Have you never thought about it?
251
00:22:34,138 --> 00:22:35,818
Edie'd go crackers.
252
00:22:35,818 --> 00:22:38,818
Pearl goes crackers.
253
00:22:38,818 --> 00:22:40,978
Nobody said it was easy.
254
00:22:46,158 --> 00:22:50,918
Have you never
lusted after something different?
255
00:22:50,918 --> 00:22:52,978
Certainly.
256
00:22:52,978 --> 00:22:57,038
A 1934 drophead Alvis.
257
00:22:57,038 --> 00:23:00,398
I'd love a 1934 drophead Alvis.
258
00:23:02,258 --> 00:23:04,838
Get yourself an obsession, Howard.
259
00:23:04,838 --> 00:23:07,138
Me, I'm an engine freak.
260
00:23:07,138 --> 00:23:09,878
It passes your life nicely.
261
00:23:09,878 --> 00:23:11,858
But I'm not mechanical.
262
00:23:14,018 --> 00:23:16,238
It ruins your fingernails.
263
00:23:16,238 --> 00:23:18,038
But it's safer, lad.
264
00:23:18,038 --> 00:23:19,538
Believe me.
265
00:23:32,738 --> 00:23:34,198
Ah!
266
00:23:36,555 --> 00:23:41,835
I'll get these. No, it's all right.
No, no, it's my turn. I insist.
267
00:23:43,775 --> 00:23:45,535
Well, I think that's decent.
268
00:23:45,535 --> 00:23:47,535
Don't you think that's decent?
269
00:23:47,535 --> 00:23:50,375
The man tried to steal
your bicycle.
270
00:23:50,375 --> 00:23:53,835
He was going to hand
it in to the police.
271
00:23:53,835 --> 00:23:58,255
Norman, tha still believes
in Father Christmas, don't thee?
272
00:23:58,255 --> 00:24:00,175
He's got an honest face.
273
00:24:00,175 --> 00:24:02,175
With all them whiskers?
274
00:24:02,175 --> 00:24:03,975
You can only see his nose.
275
00:24:03,975 --> 00:24:07,115
Well, he's got an honest nose.
276
00:24:07,115 --> 00:24:09,635
You're too impressionable by half.
277
00:24:09,635 --> 00:24:11,955
We shouldn't be here
drinking with him.
278
00:24:11,955 --> 00:24:17,355
When I suggested taking him in,
I didn't mean the nearest pub. But he'd just been knocked down.
279
00:24:17,355 --> 00:24:20,835
On your bike. By the phantom trilby.
280
00:24:20,835 --> 00:24:24,675
Well, you've got
to admire his spirit.
281
00:24:24,675 --> 00:24:26,955
He stays remarkably cheerful.
282
00:24:29,095 --> 00:24:32,895
Is that Nora Batty, my true love,
I see approaching?
283
00:24:32,895 --> 00:24:34,995
Or is it a mirage?
284
00:24:34,995 --> 00:24:37,415
Looks more like Rommel.
285
00:24:43,115 --> 00:24:45,255
How do, Mr Simmonite?
286
00:24:45,255 --> 00:24:47,815
How do, Crush, lad?
287
00:24:47,815 --> 00:24:49,275
What have you stopped for?
288
00:24:49,275 --> 00:24:52,795
You don't think I want to be
seen stopping outside pubs.
289
00:24:52,795 --> 00:24:55,015
To say how do to Mr Simmonite.
290
00:24:55,015 --> 00:24:59,315
Nobody asked you.
No, it was me own idea.
291
00:24:59,315 --> 00:25:01,535
How do, Nora, lass?
292
00:25:01,535 --> 00:25:03,295
Don't start.
293
00:25:03,295 --> 00:25:07,495
I must say, tha looks very tasty
wearing this little French car.
294
00:25:09,075 --> 00:25:11,475
Out of me way. We've got work to do.
295
00:25:11,475 --> 00:25:16,615
Where's the waitress's uniform,
you lovely little bit of crackling?
296
00:25:16,615 --> 00:25:21,635
That's not till tomorrow
and you'll not be there to see it.
297
00:25:21,635 --> 00:25:23,175
I could help thee wait on.
298
00:25:23,175 --> 00:25:25,935
You'll not come anywhere near.
299
00:25:25,935 --> 00:25:30,115
It's more than I can stand, having
you around when me hands are full.
300
00:25:30,115 --> 00:25:34,235
Ooh, mademoiselle,
what about a little ooh-la-la?
301
00:25:34,235 --> 00:25:37,835
Oh! Put your foot down, Milburn!
302
00:25:42,635 --> 00:25:46,455
I will! I'll wear 'em.
I'll wear them damn loudspeakers.
303
00:25:46,455 --> 00:25:50,175
Good man. Well, she should
notice you in those.
304
00:25:50,175 --> 00:25:52,755
I thought we'd had enough beer.
305
00:25:52,755 --> 00:25:55,195
I thought I'd buy whisky.
I hope I did right.
306
00:25:55,195 --> 00:25:56,915
I hope everyone likes it.
307
00:25:56,915 --> 00:25:59,935
No problem.
You shouldn't have bothered.
308
00:25:59,935 --> 00:26:01,715
I feel terrible.
309
00:26:01,715 --> 00:26:03,915
Anyone can make a mistake.
310
00:26:03,915 --> 00:26:07,035
Get that down you.
Well, that's very decent of you.
311
00:26:07,035 --> 00:26:11,375
Restores your faith in human nature.
All right, don't go on about it.
312
00:26:11,375 --> 00:26:15,115
Aa-a-ah, lovely.
313
00:26:15,115 --> 00:26:17,915
That went down a treat.
314
00:26:17,915 --> 00:26:20,255
That'll be �4 and eight pence.
315
00:26:21,955 --> 00:26:26,015
Oh, come on, you didn't expect a
tramp to buy you whisky, did you?
316
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:37,660
Here.
317
00:26:37,660 --> 00:26:40,040
Ooh, that's very kind of you, love.
318
00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:43,100
Don't be so sure,
it might be poisoned.
319
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:48,860
It isn't. I just wanted to point
out there's no lack of opportunity.
320
00:26:48,860 --> 00:26:52,120
Ah, you make terrific tea.
321
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:53,740
I do, don't I?
322
00:26:53,740 --> 00:26:58,760
And I keep your house spotless
and I feed ya. Very well.
323
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:03,920
I've always said you're particularly
gifted with the cheaper cuts of meat.
324
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:05,980
I save you money.
325
00:27:05,980 --> 00:27:11,440
And I'm always here when
I'm wanted, which is every time your nose is bunged up,
326
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,000
or your bowels are bunged up,
327
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:18,640
or you've got some other
unromantic problem you wouldn't take to your girlfriend.
328
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:20,860
She's just an acquaintance.
329
00:27:20,860 --> 00:27:22,760
We chat occasionally.
330
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:27,520
Well, next time she wants a chat,
try her with them descriptions
331
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:31,940
of how you're a martyr to
flatulence that you save for me.
332
00:27:36,872 --> 00:27:38,372
CAR DOOR SLAMS
333
00:27:46,300 --> 00:27:52,180
Not to worry, Mrs Batty. I'll soon
change this wheel. I was great at school at changing teachers' wheels.
334
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:57,920
Listen, I don't want to seem picky,
but ain't tramps supposed to walk?
335
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:04,320
He has a point. That's the whole
point of being a tramp - they walk.
336
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,780
But he falls down when he walks.
Another point of being a tramp!
337
00:28:07,780 --> 00:28:10,280
They can fall down
whenever they want to.
338
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,540
Yeah, but we can't just
leave him fallen down.
339
00:28:13,540 --> 00:28:18,260
I'm not an expert
on the law relating to tramps
340
00:28:18,260 --> 00:28:22,040
but I'll bet you're not supposed
to leave them lying about.
341
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:24,460
Why ever not? He'll come to no harm.
342
00:28:24,460 --> 00:28:27,380
Who's going to nick a fallen tramp?
343
00:28:27,380 --> 00:28:29,500
Leave me.
344
00:28:29,500 --> 00:28:33,940
Just leave me. I feel sure
that's probably best.
345
00:28:33,940 --> 00:28:35,520
Right.
346
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:38,920
Ta-ta, chuck. I can't hold him!
I can't hold him.
347
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:40,900
What's he saying?
348
00:28:40,900 --> 00:28:44,100
Sounded like, "I can't hold him."
Oh.
349
00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:48,300
Ah!
350
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:01,220
When I said, "Leave me",
351
00:29:01,220 --> 00:29:04,300
I didn't necessarily
mean over the wall.
352
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:11,240
I told thee, tramps are
made for walking. And drinking. He's not bad at drinking.
353
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:12,960
I used to be better.
354
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:16,300
We could never have afforded you
in your prime.
355
00:29:16,300 --> 00:29:19,280
I used to buy my own, you know.
356
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:22,380
I come from a very wealthy family.
357
00:29:24,060 --> 00:29:28,560
Eh, if tha so wealthy,
how come tha is tramping?
358
00:29:29,780 --> 00:29:33,020
I chose it as a vocation.
359
00:29:33,020 --> 00:29:37,420
Heads, I'm going to be
a brain surgeon, tails...
360
00:29:37,420 --> 00:29:41,000
Some of us were born to be free.
361
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,580
We were discussing this
only yesterday.
362
00:29:44,580 --> 00:29:50,420
If you don't believe that we had
money, you should see our house.
363
00:29:50,420 --> 00:29:52,680
Cost a bomb.
364
00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:54,320
Tha should see mine.
365
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:56,900
Looks like it's had one.
366
00:29:56,900 --> 00:30:01,140
You see, I came back here
for sentimental reasons.
367
00:30:02,740 --> 00:30:05,720
My kid brother
still lives round here.
368
00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:08,400
You now how it is.
369
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:11,120
You get nostalgic.
370
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:13,420
Ah, like toothache?
371
00:30:13,420 --> 00:30:17,000
That's neuralgic. Oh, sorry.
372
00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:23,980
You come back for a peep
at your loved ones.
373
00:30:23,980 --> 00:30:27,240
The house is called Dream Acres.
374
00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,320
Dream Acres?
375
00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:31,280
No wonder you left home!
376
00:30:42,100 --> 00:30:46,420
It's the caterers,
come to get ready for tomorrow.
377
00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:56,260
The caterers?
378
00:30:56,260 --> 00:31:00,640
Well, you said not to go potty,
price-wise.
379
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:04,060
Get off!
380
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,340
I think I better wash me hands.
381
00:31:22,740 --> 00:31:25,980
Here, come on, you.
382
00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:40,020
What?
383
00:31:40,020 --> 00:31:42,900
Come in a minute, and shut that door.
384
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:45,800
Right, stand on them.
385
00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:50,040
I don't need your mucky boots all
over my simulated terracotta tiles.
386
00:31:59,820 --> 00:32:01,420
I want a word with you.
387
00:32:01,420 --> 00:32:07,740
Will you stand straight?
You shouldn't be attempting more than you can manage at your age.
388
00:32:07,740 --> 00:32:10,760
What is it you want with me?
What have I done now?
389
00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:15,660
Whose car have you just been
fiddling with? Fiddling with?
390
00:32:15,660 --> 00:32:17,620
Is that what you think I do?
391
00:32:17,620 --> 00:32:19,920
I'm like a surgeon, woman.
392
00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:25,700
I have an almost mystical
instinct for the ailments of the internal combustion engine.
393
00:32:25,700 --> 00:32:28,840
Bully for you. Whose car
have you been fiddling with?
394
00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:32,400
Howard's new van. I thought as much.
395
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:37,160
I mean, it's new for Howard
but it's not exactly a new van,
396
00:32:37,160 --> 00:32:40,460
though she's not bad mechanically,
apart from tappets.
397
00:32:40,460 --> 00:32:42,720
You don't need to go through her MOT.
398
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:46,600
I just want to know
what he plans to do with it.
399
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:48,140
"Do with it"?
400
00:32:48,140 --> 00:32:50,960
That's right. "Do with it."
401
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,060
HE MOUTHS
402
00:32:53,060 --> 00:32:56,580
I'm sorry it's such
a difficult idea to grasp.
403
00:32:56,580 --> 00:33:00,040
It's thrown you right off
your "almost mystical".
404
00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:04,340
How do I know what
he's going to do with it?
405
00:33:04,340 --> 00:33:10,320
Well, don't you think you ought
to find out before you start lending yourself as an accessory?
406
00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:12,720
As an accessory?
407
00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:14,500
To what?
408
00:33:14,500 --> 00:33:18,180
To what Howard might
be planning to do with it.
409
00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:23,500
Well, I've no idea what Howard...
Well, I have.
410
00:33:23,500 --> 00:33:26,640
And so has poor Pearl.
411
00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:29,020
Poor Pearl?
412
00:33:29,020 --> 00:33:32,100
How can you think of
Howard's missus as "Poor Pearl"?
413
00:33:32,100 --> 00:33:35,160
She's got a worse bite
than a Jack Russell.
414
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,040
Howard lives in mortal fear.
415
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:38,600
Only when she's there.
416
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:41,100
Not when she's out of sight.
417
00:33:41,100 --> 00:33:42,700
We could all do with a breather.
418
00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:47,340
Wesley Pegden,
419
00:33:47,340 --> 00:33:52,400
you try taking his kind of breather,
and I'll cut off your air supply.
420
00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:59,240
Give over. I've been going steady
for 40 years with clapped out old bangers. Can I go now?
421
00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,340
Go!
422
00:34:01,340 --> 00:34:07,740
Just don't let me catch you
meddling with any vehicles that are working extramaritally.
423
00:34:07,740 --> 00:34:13,240
You will please confine yourself
to those in lawful wedlock.
424
00:34:32,380 --> 00:34:35,420
But this is where
the garden party is.
425
00:34:35,420 --> 00:34:38,800
This is where I'm doing
my demonstration.
426
00:34:38,800 --> 00:34:40,880
You mean you used to live here?
427
00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:44,020
That was my bedroom up there,
428
00:34:44,020 --> 00:34:46,920
where Mummy used to tuck me in.
429
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:51,560
Ah, did thoust sleep under
the blankets or over the top?
430
00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:57,260
Stop taking the wee-wee. Never
heard such crap in all my life.
431
00:34:57,260 --> 00:35:00,000
Why did you leave a home like this?
432
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,020
Fitted carpets,
ex-directory phone number.
433
00:35:03,020 --> 00:35:05,920
They threw him out
for nicking bikes.
434
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:09,300
A head full of adventure stories,
435
00:35:09,300 --> 00:35:15,020
a young man's thirst
for freedom and the open road - you know what I mean.
436
00:35:15,020 --> 00:35:17,460
Oh, yes, indeed.
437
00:35:17,460 --> 00:35:21,520
I was no stranger
to the madness in the blood.
438
00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:23,520
Me too.
439
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:27,380
Pass.
440
00:35:27,380 --> 00:35:30,380
I was headstrong, carefree.
441
00:35:30,380 --> 00:35:36,940
I wanted throw off all the shackles,
I wanted to test myself against the universe.
442
00:35:36,940 --> 00:35:38,900
I remember the feeling.
443
00:35:38,900 --> 00:35:42,880
A little voice kept saying,
"Go! Go!"
444
00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:47,580
And besides, I'd got
the maid into trouble.
445
00:35:47,580 --> 00:35:51,720
Ah, sold her a stolen bike,
did thee? Ooh!
446
00:35:51,720 --> 00:35:55,080
Do you think they'll be pleased
to see you? Your brother?
447
00:35:56,680 --> 00:36:02,180
Do you think I'd be
tactless enough to burst in on our kid looking like this?
448
00:36:02,180 --> 00:36:04,940
Eve of his great day,
his young wife.
449
00:36:04,940 --> 00:36:07,560
His best years ahead of him.
450
00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:12,140
Very tactful.
The man has a saintly character.
451
00:36:12,140 --> 00:36:16,000
No, I couldn't intrude on our kid.
452
00:36:18,860 --> 00:36:21,020
What's tha doing here, then?
453
00:36:21,020 --> 00:36:25,460
I came to see Heathcliffe,
my childhood pet.
454
00:36:25,460 --> 00:36:29,160
Oh, how I miss that little donkey.
455
00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:32,300
Oh!
456
00:36:32,300 --> 00:36:34,940
I really miss that donkey.
457
00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:41,960
I can't stand much more of this.
458
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:44,080
It's worse than Charles Dickens.
459
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:46,640
His people were always dying.
460
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:49,180
I hate people dying.
461
00:36:49,180 --> 00:36:53,440
I think the Prudential will be big
enough now to use some influence.
462
00:37:14,580 --> 00:37:16,040
Aargh!
463
00:37:22,220 --> 00:37:25,120
I loved that little donkey.
464
00:37:27,020 --> 00:37:28,940
I think that's sad.
465
00:37:28,940 --> 00:37:31,400
What?
466
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:33,360
Don't you think that's sad?
467
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,380
I'm very sad, myself.
468
00:37:36,380 --> 00:37:39,340
They're no good
for riding kids on.
469
00:37:41,340 --> 00:37:44,980
Have you never
thought of getting another donkey?
470
00:37:44,980 --> 00:37:48,180
I did, when my hamster died.
471
00:37:48,180 --> 00:37:51,020
But I've got another donkey.
472
00:37:51,020 --> 00:37:53,200
That was quick.
473
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:55,340
Identical to Heathcliffe.
474
00:37:55,340 --> 00:37:58,160
They could be twins.
475
00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:00,140
But it's no good.
476
00:38:00,140 --> 00:38:03,440
He's not Heathcliffe.
477
00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:05,740
Where is this other donkey?
478
00:38:05,740 --> 00:38:07,740
Oh, I left him in the field.
479
00:38:07,740 --> 00:38:11,660
I didn't want Heathcliffe to
see me with another donkey.
480
00:38:11,660 --> 00:38:13,920
Howard's like that with Pearl.
481
00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:17,480
'Ere, what was wrong
with this other donkey?
482
00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:21,680
Oh, there's nothing wrong with him.
Nice little donkey.
483
00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:24,620
He's a smashing little donkey.
484
00:38:24,620 --> 00:38:27,180
He's just...
485
00:38:27,180 --> 00:38:29,360
..not Heathcliffe.
486
00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:31,820
But it looks like Heathcliffe.
487
00:38:31,820 --> 00:38:34,860
Identical in every way.
488
00:38:34,860 --> 00:38:36,480
That's why I picked him.
489
00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:41,160
You know what we could do here.
490
00:38:43,340 --> 00:38:44,940
Excuse me.
491
00:38:44,940 --> 00:38:46,400
Come on.
492
00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:54,400
THEY WHISPER
493
00:38:58,700 --> 00:39:01,100
Tr-r-r-r-r-r! Pr-r-r-r-r!
494
00:39:01,100 --> 00:39:02,320
Come on.
495
00:39:04,660 --> 00:39:09,960
Why don't we just take
the other donkey and leave it in place of Heathcliffe?
496
00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:14,480
Now, why didn't I think of that?
497
00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:35,760
Well, you're absolutely right.
498
00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:37,900
He does look like Heathcliffe.
499
00:39:37,900 --> 00:39:40,560
Told you.
500
00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:42,680
But will he be happy?
501
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:45,220
I mean, if he's used to tramping?
502
00:39:45,220 --> 00:39:50,160
I'm having no part of this if we're
going to make a donkey unhappy.
503
00:39:50,160 --> 00:39:53,780
Well, to tell you the truth,
he's been getting idle.
504
00:39:53,780 --> 00:39:55,580
He'd love it at Dream Acres.
505
00:39:55,580 --> 00:39:59,780
Of course he'll be happy. You've
seen the place - donkey's paradise.
506
00:39:59,780 --> 00:40:03,400
What thoust call this
other donkey, then?
507
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:06,600
Erm... Well, he just called it idle.
508
00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:07,840
Smith.
509
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:09,220
ALL: Smith?
510
00:40:09,220 --> 00:40:14,600
Well, you don't use
your real name when you're tramping.
511
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:16,660
Well, fetch it, then.
512
00:40:16,660 --> 00:40:18,320
I'm going.
513
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:27,980
Smith! Smith!
514
00:40:27,980 --> 00:40:30,700
Nice Smith. Smithy. Nice Smith.
515
00:40:30,700 --> 00:40:32,940
He looks a bit nervous to me.
516
00:40:32,940 --> 00:40:34,680
He's not nervous.
517
00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:37,300
He doesn't want to frighten Smithy.
518
00:40:37,300 --> 00:40:38,920
He's cracked that then.
519
00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:41,580
Smithy looks in good shape.
520
00:40:41,580 --> 00:40:44,480
Come on, Smithy. Smithy! Smithy.
521
00:40:44,480 --> 00:40:48,080
I think they ought to
ban bullfighting.
522
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:50,500
He's not bullfighting.
523
00:40:50,500 --> 00:40:54,480
I know.
It just reminded me, that's all.
524
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,900
I don't like bullfighting.
525
00:40:56,900 --> 00:41:00,560
I'd never give up my seat
for a Spaniard.
526
00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:03,280
Why can't they just do flamenco?
527
00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:05,000
I like flamenco.
528
00:41:06,980 --> 00:41:11,140
We British have a lot to be
thankful for, historically.
529
00:41:11,140 --> 00:41:15,460
Fish and chips have been
a great steadying factor. Ah!
530
00:41:20,460 --> 00:41:22,320
Has anybody got a rope?
531
00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:24,460
'Ere!
532
00:41:24,460 --> 00:41:25,920
Try this.
533
00:41:29,060 --> 00:41:31,080
Are you sure you don't need it?
534
00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:34,160
I can't imagine why you'd
get that impression.
535
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:46,260
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
536
00:41:46,260 --> 00:41:48,880
BAND PLAYS
537
00:42:00,740 --> 00:42:05,840
Wait. We can't just walk in,
barefaced, with a donkey.
538
00:42:07,740 --> 00:42:12,380
Hide the donkey. Hide the donkey!
How the hell can you hide a donkey?
539
00:42:12,380 --> 00:42:15,720
It followed us.
We passed it and it followed us.
540
00:42:15,720 --> 00:42:17,200
On the end of that rope?
541
00:42:24,020 --> 00:42:25,920
I thought it was you, Cleggy.
542
00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:28,260
What are you doing
with that donkey?
543
00:42:28,260 --> 00:42:32,000
Do you mind not starting
irresponsible rumours about donkeys?
544
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:36,460
I know a donkey when I s...see one.
545
00:42:36,460 --> 00:42:38,800
This is a tramp, Howard.
546
00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:41,640
Donkeys have longer ears.
547
00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:43,500
Very pleased to meet you.
548
00:42:47,580 --> 00:42:51,240
You wouldn't have a few quid
for a cup of coffee, would you?
549
00:42:51,240 --> 00:42:53,140
A few quid?
550
00:42:53,140 --> 00:42:57,000
Why do they all assume
that we like rubbishy coffee?
551
00:42:59,700 --> 00:43:01,740
I like the van, Howard.
552
00:43:01,740 --> 00:43:03,720
Nice of you to say so.
553
00:43:03,720 --> 00:43:06,120
Plenty of room in
the back for Marina!
554
00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:07,640
You keep your voice down.
555
00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:12,240
Room in there for a donkey. Howard?
556
00:43:12,240 --> 00:43:13,740
No!
557
00:43:22,432 --> 00:43:24,972
DONKEY BRAYS
558
00:43:28,792 --> 00:43:31,452
BANGING FROM INSIDE VAN
559
00:43:39,752 --> 00:43:42,412
BAND PLAYS
560
00:43:53,312 --> 00:43:54,552
Ah!
561
00:43:54,552 --> 00:43:55,932
Heathcliffe!
562
00:43:58,452 --> 00:44:00,972
Hoochie, coochie, coochie.
Heathcliffe!
563
00:44:00,972 --> 00:44:03,252
Hoochie, coochie, coochie, coochie!
564
00:44:03,252 --> 00:44:05,912
That's a daft way
to call your donkey.
565
00:44:05,912 --> 00:44:08,192
How would you call your ferret?
566
00:44:08,192 --> 00:44:10,392
Very careful
if it was down me trousers.
567
00:44:10,392 --> 00:44:13,332
Come on.
Let's go and get the donkey.
568
00:44:32,392 --> 00:44:35,332
DONKEY BRAYS
569
00:44:39,452 --> 00:44:42,912
I rather liked that donkey.
I love that little donkey.
570
00:44:42,912 --> 00:44:45,092
He didn't seem
all that fond of thee.
571
00:44:45,092 --> 00:44:47,692
Ah, well, it's been a long time.
572
00:44:49,992 --> 00:44:52,712
Did you see those teeth?
573
00:44:52,712 --> 00:44:55,572
Like rows of used paving stones.
574
00:44:55,572 --> 00:44:58,792
It's where he was trying to use
them I was worried about.
575
00:44:58,792 --> 00:45:00,612
He can really move, that donkey.
576
00:45:00,612 --> 00:45:03,372
I bet he thought the same about you.
577
00:45:03,372 --> 00:45:07,392
You'd better get him by yourself.
It may be us that's upsetting him.
578
00:45:07,392 --> 00:45:12,172
By meself?
We didn't do too well as a group.
579
00:45:12,172 --> 00:45:15,532
I know. But by myself?
580
00:45:15,532 --> 00:45:21,952
Wait a minute! Where's all this,
"I do love that little Heathcliffe"?
581
00:45:21,952 --> 00:45:26,612
It is my fault
he doesn't remember me?
582
00:45:26,612 --> 00:45:31,572
I didn't dress like this when
he knew me. I had a romper suit.
583
00:45:31,572 --> 00:45:36,012
All right, all right.
We'll get Howard with his van,
584
00:45:36,012 --> 00:45:39,972
he can drive it to the field, we'll
let one donkey out, get the other in.
585
00:45:51,732 --> 00:45:54,752
Where has Howard disappeared to?
586
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:58,852
If we could find Marina,
we'd soon find Howard.
587
00:45:58,852 --> 00:46:03,372
Although, come to think of it,
I'd rather lose Howard than find Marina.
588
00:46:03,372 --> 00:46:04,952
Why? What's wrong with her?
589
00:46:04,952 --> 00:46:09,572
Apart from being loud and flash,
she's so terrifyingly friendly.
590
00:46:09,572 --> 00:46:11,872
Possibly she has a kind heart.
591
00:46:11,872 --> 00:46:13,912
Yeah, but she sticks it in you so.
592
00:46:16,692 --> 00:46:21,312
Ah. I expect you think
I've just been in the fortune-telling tent.
593
00:46:21,312 --> 00:46:25,812
I had no idea you dabbled
with this sort of stuff.
594
00:46:25,812 --> 00:46:30,592
I don't think I've ever
gone as far as dabbled.
595
00:46:30,592 --> 00:46:34,532
Fascinated by the occult,
are you, Howard?
596
00:46:34,532 --> 00:46:37,612
Yes, I suppose I am really, Cleggy.
597
00:46:37,612 --> 00:46:42,152
You're doing it in a spirit
of detached curiosity?
598
00:46:42,152 --> 00:46:44,832
Well, you have to do what you can.
599
00:46:44,832 --> 00:46:49,292
It's all part of the restless
curiosity of the species.
600
00:46:49,292 --> 00:46:51,412
Howard! Huh!
601
00:46:51,412 --> 00:46:56,672
Is that my cheeky little Howard
who's come for another cuddle?
602
00:46:56,672 --> 00:47:00,652
Ooh, suddenly
there's an abundance of men.
603
00:47:00,652 --> 00:47:04,972
Makes your gypsy blood rush
straight to your dangly earrings.
604
00:47:04,972 --> 00:47:09,372
I thought she was accurate
for a lady I know only briefly.
605
00:47:09,372 --> 00:47:12,992
I don't know about having his palm
read. His face is certainly red.
606
00:47:12,992 --> 00:47:15,072
Mmmmm.
607
00:47:15,072 --> 00:47:20,372
And this is Norman Clegg, who's
come for his little palm reading.
608
00:47:20,372 --> 00:47:23,812
Well, I thought I'd wait
for the film.
609
00:47:23,812 --> 00:47:26,932
Howard, will you drive
your van into the paddock?
610
00:47:26,932 --> 00:47:28,732
Can't someone else do it?
611
00:47:30,292 --> 00:47:31,772
I'll do it.
612
00:47:37,432 --> 00:47:39,232
Does he like driving?
613
00:47:39,232 --> 00:47:43,272
He hates driving,
but it's easier than Marina.
614
00:47:43,272 --> 00:47:44,772
He calls that easier?
615
00:47:49,152 --> 00:47:52,172
Just make yourselves
sociable for once.
616
00:47:52,172 --> 00:47:57,592
It won't undermine your masculine
lifestyle, not in one afternoon.
617
00:47:57,592 --> 00:48:01,132
Where's he got to now?
Are you coming? I'm coming!
618
00:48:01,132 --> 00:48:05,512
I'm not standing here, conversing
with this door. Move yourself.
619
00:48:05,512 --> 00:48:09,012
You're worse than wet feathers.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
620
00:48:09,012 --> 00:48:12,852
Now, lock the door.
And alter that expression.
621
00:48:12,852 --> 00:48:16,232
I'm not carting that around with me
all afternoon.
622
00:48:16,232 --> 00:48:20,332
It's not natural being in a suit
during the hours of daylight.
623
00:48:44,352 --> 00:48:46,752
Where does it go?
624
00:48:46,752 --> 00:48:49,952
It goes where it always goes.
625
00:48:49,952 --> 00:48:52,652
Well, it's not very convenient there.
626
00:48:52,652 --> 00:48:54,952
Surely there must be somewhere else.
627
00:48:54,952 --> 00:48:57,652
There's nowhere else.
628
00:48:57,652 --> 00:49:02,472
It's good to see cars are designed
by persons of the male gender.
629
00:49:02,472 --> 00:49:04,052
Afternoon, Mrs Pegden.
630
00:49:04,052 --> 00:49:06,392
Spot of nice weather.
631
00:49:06,392 --> 00:49:07,812
Yes, isn't it?
632
00:49:09,092 --> 00:49:15,892
Will you start this before she
gets back and starts to talk about how successful their Hobart is?!
633
00:49:18,072 --> 00:49:20,612
I hope this car's stopped smoking.
634
00:49:20,612 --> 00:49:22,852
It don't smoke anymore.
635
00:49:22,852 --> 00:49:24,392
I've cured it.
636
00:49:24,392 --> 00:49:26,212
Well, I hope you weren't too late.
637
00:49:26,212 --> 00:49:28,232
It's long sounded terrible.
638
00:49:28,232 --> 00:49:31,892
ENGINE REVS
639
00:49:31,892 --> 00:49:34,892
ENGINE CHUGS
640
00:49:47,372 --> 00:49:52,412
Where's the waitress from
the VIP tent? Here she comes now.
641
00:49:52,412 --> 00:49:55,612
Haven't you got
something more streamlined?
642
00:49:55,612 --> 00:49:58,752
Are they feeding or frolicking?
643
00:49:58,752 --> 00:50:04,792
Looks like just feeding.
Right, where's that twit with this public address system?
644
00:50:08,312 --> 00:50:10,612
What did he want?
645
00:50:10,612 --> 00:50:14,372
He just wants you to put
a bit of lipstick on.
646
00:50:14,372 --> 00:50:17,732
He's not going to start
anything funny, is he?
647
00:50:17,732 --> 00:50:22,852
I don't think you're going
to wake up in a concert party, touring the Middle East.
648
00:50:22,852 --> 00:50:25,472
At his age,
sometimes they do go funny.
649
00:50:25,472 --> 00:50:27,552
He hasn't gone funny!
650
00:50:27,552 --> 00:50:31,512
He just wants you to glamorise up
a bit for the VIP tent.
651
00:50:31,512 --> 00:50:37,272
Aye, well, if he starts anything
funny, I'll pulverise him.
652
00:50:37,272 --> 00:50:39,932
I don't care how big his house is.
653
00:50:53,612 --> 00:50:56,232
Can we borrow the lad a minute?
654
00:50:56,232 --> 00:50:58,132
Ooh, I don't know.
655
00:50:58,132 --> 00:51:01,572
Gracie Fields.
Where's he sprung from?
656
00:51:01,572 --> 00:51:03,992
I said tha looked like
Gracie Fields.
657
00:51:03,992 --> 00:51:05,612
What's he on about?
658
00:51:05,612 --> 00:51:07,392
About his eighth pint, I think.
659
00:51:07,392 --> 00:51:09,092
Phwoar, lipstick.
660
00:51:09,092 --> 00:51:11,412
Look at them cherry red lips.
661
00:51:11,412 --> 00:51:16,892
I must say, this "Hello, sailor"
mood suits thee. Give us a kiss.
662
00:51:16,892 --> 00:51:19,072
Oh, keep him away!
663
00:51:19,072 --> 00:51:22,912
I thought it was Milburn you wanted.
I'd sooner have a bit of that.
664
00:51:22,912 --> 00:51:25,772
He did. He said, "Can we
borrow the lad for a minute?"
665
00:51:25,772 --> 00:51:30,552
You think you've
come out for an afternoon, left all your troubles behind you.
666
00:51:30,552 --> 00:51:32,992
I'm not worried what's behind thee,
lass.
667
00:51:32,992 --> 00:51:34,792
It's what's in front I'm after.
668
00:51:34,792 --> 00:51:37,612
Oh, keep off!
669
00:51:37,612 --> 00:51:39,732
Oh, just give us a chance.
670
00:51:39,732 --> 00:51:41,632
Behave! Leave her alone.
671
00:51:41,632 --> 00:51:45,132
She's reserved for the VIP tent.
672
00:51:45,132 --> 00:51:50,232
That's charming.
A bunch of toffs come in here and snatch our sexy women.
673
00:51:50,232 --> 00:51:53,152
There'll be no VIP snatching up me.
674
00:51:53,152 --> 00:51:55,372
That's it, love. You tell 'em.
675
00:51:55,372 --> 00:51:59,332
Save yourself for
the local talent, eh?
676
00:51:59,332 --> 00:52:05,492
He did. I remember thinking,
"There's Mr Simmonite saying, "Can we borrow the lad for a minute?"
677
00:52:08,512 --> 00:52:10,012
SCREAMING
678
00:52:10,012 --> 00:52:11,652
Take him!
679
00:52:16,692 --> 00:52:20,092
DONKEY BRAYS
680
00:52:20,092 --> 00:52:24,352
Where would you like it,
Mr Simmonite? In the back of the van
681
00:52:24,352 --> 00:52:25,652
Righty-ho!
682
00:52:36,812 --> 00:52:38,452
Ooh!
683
00:52:42,932 --> 00:52:45,192
Where have you been?
684
00:52:45,192 --> 00:52:50,212
Look at your overall! I wish you
wouldn't make me wear a frock. It's covered in dog hairs.
685
00:52:50,212 --> 00:52:51,972
No, they're donkey hairs.
686
00:52:51,972 --> 00:52:54,792
Don't start.
I've been lifting up a donkey.
687
00:52:54,792 --> 00:52:56,512
Now, pack it in, Milburn.
688
00:52:56,512 --> 00:52:58,172
You're going to have to choose.
689
00:52:58,172 --> 00:53:03,272
It's either the catering trade
or lifting donkeys.
690
00:53:03,272 --> 00:53:05,132
Can I lift donkeys on me day off?
691
00:53:10,472 --> 00:53:12,492
One, two, three.
692
00:53:14,532 --> 00:53:17,012
Give us a kiss. Oh!
693
00:53:17,012 --> 00:53:20,732
FEEDBACK
694
00:53:25,792 --> 00:53:28,312
FEEDBACK AND NORA SCREAMING
695
00:53:28,312 --> 00:53:30,532
CROCKERY SMASHES
696
00:53:34,572 --> 00:53:36,572
Oh, dear.
697
00:53:42,292 --> 00:53:45,152
Where is he? He can't be far.
698
00:53:45,152 --> 00:53:49,312
So, where is he? I didn't do you up
like that to look for your husband.
699
00:53:49,312 --> 00:53:52,832
Can't see much advantage
in looking for somebody else's.
700
00:53:52,832 --> 00:53:55,692
It wouldn't hurt to give
your Howard that impression.
701
00:53:55,692 --> 00:54:00,772
Seen one, you've seen them all.
You've got to think positively. I feel like a loose woman.
702
00:54:00,772 --> 00:54:02,152
That's better.
703
00:54:02,152 --> 00:54:06,252
I feel like a tart. Great! That's
just what they go for every time.
704
00:54:10,732 --> 00:54:13,472
Pearl. It were her idea.
705
00:54:13,472 --> 00:54:14,972
Not before time.
706
00:54:18,012 --> 00:54:22,752
Eh, it's marvellous what they
can do with modern materials.
707
00:54:22,752 --> 00:54:24,872
I was always clean and tidy.
708
00:54:24,872 --> 00:54:29,332
Maybe he needs a bit more sparkle in
his life than just round his sink.
709
00:54:29,332 --> 00:54:35,112
He'll get what sparkle he's given
and like it! There you go, talking like a wife again. I am a wife!
710
00:54:35,112 --> 00:54:37,512
Well, you don't look like a wife.
711
00:54:37,512 --> 00:54:42,432
You always used to. No-one
had it more firmly nailed down.
712
00:54:42,432 --> 00:54:45,612
Didn't have to make me look
like a tart.
713
00:54:45,612 --> 00:54:49,652
Well, if you don't want to look like
a wife, what other option is there?
714
00:54:49,652 --> 00:54:52,852
Have you seen that
little weasel of mine?
715
00:54:52,852 --> 00:54:55,992
Not lately.
His van's parked over there.
716
00:54:58,752 --> 00:55:01,632
BANGING FROM INSIDE VAN
717
00:55:01,632 --> 00:55:03,732
I'll kill him when I do find him.
718
00:55:05,492 --> 00:55:09,052
I can hear someone moving inside.
719
00:55:11,612 --> 00:55:16,172
Howard! Who've you got in there?
I can hear you, Howard.
720
00:55:16,172 --> 00:55:18,032
BANG!
Ooh, good God!
721
00:55:18,032 --> 00:55:19,852
What's he doing in there?
722
00:55:19,852 --> 00:55:22,732
He better not be!
723
00:55:22,732 --> 00:55:26,092
Come out, Howard, and bring
your friend with ya!
724
00:55:26,092 --> 00:55:29,452
Are you mad, woman?
Stop drawing attention!
725
00:55:29,452 --> 00:55:33,212
It's not Howard's friend. It's
somebody's old pet. That's her!
726
00:55:33,212 --> 00:55:36,212
A donkey.
That's the one! Come out!
727
00:55:36,212 --> 00:55:40,992
You begin to see what could account
for Howard's glazed expression.
728
00:55:40,992 --> 00:55:45,212
We are trying to hide somebody's
secret donkey. Called Heathcliffe.
729
00:55:45,212 --> 00:55:48,332
I've heard some unlikely
stories in my time.
730
00:55:48,332 --> 00:55:50,332
All right, then, ask the tramp.
731
00:55:52,772 --> 00:55:55,232
What tramp? Where's he gone?
732
00:55:55,232 --> 00:55:58,432
And why has he gone,
without his donkey?
733
00:55:58,432 --> 00:56:02,612
Typical! After I went to all that
trouble to get the man his donkey.
734
00:56:02,612 --> 00:56:05,792
THEE went through?
What about Norman and me?
735
00:56:05,792 --> 00:56:11,372
And what about Crusher? Eh! Eh!
That tramp of yours must be barmy.
736
00:56:11,372 --> 00:56:14,712
He's betting
the favourite won't win.
737
00:56:14,712 --> 00:56:16,692
The favourite won't win what?
738
00:56:16,692 --> 00:56:19,232
The donkey derby.
739
00:56:19,232 --> 00:56:21,912
ALL: The donkey derby?
740
00:56:21,912 --> 00:56:24,972
Yeah, this afternoon.
He must be crackers.
741
00:56:24,972 --> 00:56:29,272
Everybody knows Gatley's been
training his donkey for months.
742
00:56:32,332 --> 00:56:34,212
The donkey in the field next door?
743
00:56:34,212 --> 00:56:36,232
That's the one.
744
00:56:36,232 --> 00:56:38,232
Whoops.
745
00:56:38,232 --> 00:56:40,532
I do not like what I'm thinking.
746
00:56:42,292 --> 00:56:47,552
How are you keeping, Mavis?
Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?
747
00:56:47,552 --> 00:56:51,112
You're looking very spruce today.
And your friend.
748
00:56:51,112 --> 00:56:53,632
I've known Mavis a long time.
749
00:56:53,632 --> 00:56:58,072
Ever since I was a young
daredevil jet pilot.
750
00:56:58,072 --> 00:57:00,552
Though I don't believe she ever
knew that.
751
00:57:00,552 --> 00:57:04,732
Don't look now, young
daredevil jet pilot,
752
00:57:04,732 --> 00:57:08,292
but I think your undercarriage
is showing.
753
00:57:08,292 --> 00:57:11,112
Where have you been,
you little weasel?
754
00:57:11,112 --> 00:57:13,152
Pearl!
755
00:57:13,152 --> 00:57:15,992
I knew it was you all the time.
756
00:57:15,992 --> 00:57:19,252
You'll know in a minute,
you little Tango Red Leader!
757
00:57:21,452 --> 00:57:27,252
No wonder the tramp's
confident the favourite won't win. It's in the van!
758
00:57:27,252 --> 00:57:29,332
That's what he's been after!
759
00:57:29,332 --> 00:57:33,432
We've been had. There's going to be
some money lost here today.
760
00:57:33,432 --> 00:57:36,492
And when they find out why,
they'll kill us.
761
00:57:36,492 --> 00:57:42,232
Well, let's not stand here!
Let's change it back again. Back to the field, Heathcliffe. Go round!
762
00:57:42,232 --> 00:57:44,592
The key! The key! The key!
763
00:57:44,592 --> 00:57:47,092
Where's Howard?
764
00:57:47,092 --> 00:57:49,052
Marina who?
765
00:57:49,052 --> 00:57:52,192
Don't "Marina who" me!
WHISTLE
766
00:57:52,192 --> 00:57:55,052
Hey, Howard,
can I see thee a minute?
767
00:57:55,052 --> 00:57:56,732
Only a minute?
768
00:57:56,732 --> 00:57:58,892
Haven't you anything longer?
769
00:57:58,892 --> 00:58:03,072
You're not going out of my sight.
I'll just see what they want.
770
00:58:03,072 --> 00:58:04,532
I'll be straight back.
771
00:58:07,432 --> 00:58:09,692
Hey, Howard,
772
00:58:09,692 --> 00:58:13,952
your Pearl's looking real tasty
this afternoon. It just shows.
773
00:58:13,952 --> 00:58:15,812
You can't rely on anything.
774
00:58:15,812 --> 00:58:17,532
The key, Howard.
775
00:58:17,532 --> 00:58:22,452
The key is never make a pass
till you're sure it's not the wife.
776
00:58:22,452 --> 00:58:23,992
You didn't?!
777
00:58:23,992 --> 00:58:26,292
The van key, Howard.
778
00:58:26,292 --> 00:58:30,732
No problem. If it's an emergency,
I could drive you myself.
779
00:58:30,732 --> 00:58:32,852
PEARL: Howard!
780
00:58:40,992 --> 00:58:44,832
Ooh, if we're going to be seen
moving a donkey around,
781
00:58:44,832 --> 00:58:49,632
it's going to look better
if one of us looks like a jockey.
782
00:58:49,632 --> 00:58:52,032
Why is he looking at me, Norm?
783
00:58:52,032 --> 00:58:55,452
You need some racing colours.
Something loud and flash.
784
00:58:55,452 --> 00:59:00,252
Now, where can we find something
loud and flash?
785
00:59:02,632 --> 00:59:04,532
I can see...
786
00:59:09,372 --> 00:59:10,452
Berries?
787
00:59:11,452 --> 00:59:13,932
Could be. Or peaches.
788
00:59:13,932 --> 00:59:16,892
Can you see him wearing a blouse?
789
00:59:18,752 --> 00:59:22,932
I can see his shirt's not
going to last much longer.
790
00:59:22,932 --> 00:59:25,172
Can you see him wearing THIS blouse?
791
00:59:27,092 --> 00:59:29,672
It were his daft idea!
792
00:59:29,672 --> 00:59:33,752
You hear of the excesses
of the educated classes.
793
00:59:33,752 --> 00:59:35,852
It's something of an emergency.
794
00:59:35,852 --> 00:59:38,752
My feelings exactly.
795
00:59:38,752 --> 00:59:43,732
Heaven pity the poor palmist who's
forced to part with her blouse.
796
00:59:47,552 --> 00:59:51,112
You're a very understanding
young lady.
797
00:59:51,112 --> 00:59:54,572
I could never refuse to give up
me blouse in an emergency!
798
00:59:54,572 --> 00:59:57,292
FANFARE
799
00:59:58,000 --> 00:59:59,500
I'll kill that tramp!
800
01:00:01,000 --> 01:00:04,200
FANFARE
801
01:00:22,840 --> 01:00:25,580
Where's the other one?
802
01:00:25,580 --> 01:00:27,120
Where's Smithy?
803
01:00:31,160 --> 01:00:32,860
Where's the donkey?
804
01:00:32,860 --> 01:00:37,740
I bet it's gone to be saddled up
for the derby. Now what?
805
01:00:37,740 --> 01:00:41,280
We can't leave the favourite
in the van.
806
01:00:41,280 --> 01:00:43,520
We've got to swap them over somehow.
807
01:00:43,520 --> 01:00:47,680
The stables. Maybe we can
switch him over there.
808
01:00:48,980 --> 01:00:51,720
I was just about to suggest that.
809
01:00:51,720 --> 01:00:54,840
Off you go then, Clegg.
Put her in reverse.
810
01:00:54,840 --> 01:00:56,300
Reverse?
811
01:00:59,597 --> 01:01:00,777
There's too much padding.
812
01:01:00,777 --> 01:01:02,737
No, there's not. Pull it down.
813
01:01:04,317 --> 01:01:06,777
Ah, the children will love it.
814
01:01:06,777 --> 01:01:08,597
Bless 'em.
815
01:01:08,597 --> 01:01:12,977
Who's she with the Shredded Wheat
hair and the spikes for fingernails?
816
01:01:12,977 --> 01:01:15,317
That's his new wife.
817
01:01:15,317 --> 01:01:18,477
You'd have thought he'd have
gone in for comfort at his age.
818
01:01:18,477 --> 01:01:22,677
It'll be a long time before he
sees home-made jam roly-poly again.
819
01:01:22,677 --> 01:01:24,977
Let's hope he keeps nimble
on his feet.
820
01:01:24,977 --> 01:01:29,557
I bet he daren't slow down
with fingernails like she's got!
821
01:01:29,557 --> 01:01:33,277
If he gets the angle wrong,
she'll poke his eyes out.
822
01:01:38,617 --> 01:01:40,737
Where's the horse?
823
01:01:40,737 --> 01:01:42,197
They're in the beer tent.
824
01:01:43,777 --> 01:01:45,377
Both ends?
825
01:01:45,377 --> 01:01:46,837
Both ends.
826
01:01:51,717 --> 01:01:54,177
DONKEY BRAYS
827
01:02:04,037 --> 01:02:06,137
You know what the trouble is?
828
01:02:06,137 --> 01:02:08,717
He can sense our nervousness.
829
01:02:08,717 --> 01:02:11,577
We need somebody
who won't be nervous.
830
01:02:11,577 --> 01:02:12,677
BANG
831
01:02:13,897 --> 01:02:16,697
Wesley? No.
832
01:02:16,697 --> 01:02:18,617
Not Crusher! No, no.
833
01:02:18,617 --> 01:02:21,477
Howard?
834
01:02:21,477 --> 01:02:23,877
BOTH: No.
835
01:02:23,877 --> 01:02:25,917
MAN SCREAMS
836
01:02:25,917 --> 01:02:28,537
ALL: Eli!
837
01:02:29,497 --> 01:02:33,477
He won't be nervous. He'll never
know what he's got hold of.
838
01:02:33,477 --> 01:02:35,097
Good day to you, Eli.
839
01:02:35,097 --> 01:02:38,457
Just a minute. Somebody's calling.
840
01:02:38,457 --> 01:02:40,897
Eli! It were us.
841
01:02:40,897 --> 01:02:42,397
Sorry!
842
01:02:48,837 --> 01:02:52,017
Well done, Eli. No problem.
843
01:02:53,917 --> 01:02:59,897
You just follow us, Eli.
We'll open the stable door. You walk right through.
844
01:02:59,897 --> 01:03:02,977
No problem. Not that door, man!
845
01:03:02,977 --> 01:03:05,117
No, Eli!
846
01:03:05,117 --> 01:03:08,237
Wrong, Eli. Oh, my God!
847
01:03:08,237 --> 01:03:14,317
Go on. Go and fetch him out. Why me?
Well, we can't all go cluttering about other people's houses!
848
01:03:14,317 --> 01:03:18,337
Why the hell do I have to
do everything? Dear, oh dear.
849
01:03:18,337 --> 01:03:19,897
It's not been a relaxing day.
850
01:03:19,897 --> 01:03:25,197
That tramp's been nothing but...
Inventive? You've got to give him marks for initiative.
851
01:03:25,197 --> 01:03:30,417
I'd give him a shave, a bath,
a haircut and six months! Come on, hurry up!
852
01:03:36,037 --> 01:03:39,277
He's gone! There's no trace of them.
853
01:03:39,277 --> 01:03:42,677
Where the hell else
could they have got to?
854
01:03:57,877 --> 01:04:02,257
If Eli's in front,
it could be anywhere.
855
01:04:04,717 --> 01:04:06,557
What's he doing up there?
856
01:04:06,557 --> 01:04:09,777
CRASH
857
01:04:16,857 --> 01:04:20,357
Oh-oh-oh, I'm glad we've caught you.
858
01:04:20,357 --> 01:04:24,217
Now what?
This gentleman wants a word.
859
01:04:24,217 --> 01:04:26,797
Me? What is it?
860
01:04:26,797 --> 01:04:32,817
Tell him! Thank you, Seymour.
Look, I haven't got all day, I'm looking for a horse. Both ends!
861
01:04:32,817 --> 01:04:35,997
You're looking for a horse in
the house? No, not in the house.
862
01:04:35,997 --> 01:04:39,657
What kind of muffin would
look for a horse in a house!
863
01:04:42,297 --> 01:04:44,757
A horse in the house?
864
01:04:44,757 --> 01:04:48,657
Very amusing. Hilarious.
THEY BOTH LAUGH
865
01:04:51,277 --> 01:04:55,277
I was just popping in the house
to get an aspirin.
866
01:04:55,277 --> 01:05:01,337
Oh, it's the last time I get
involved in a cock-up like this. I had the horse all rigged up.
867
01:05:01,337 --> 01:05:05,937
You should see it now. Drunk as a
skunk in the beer tent! Both ends!
868
01:05:09,817 --> 01:05:13,017
CRASH AND DONKEY BRAYING
869
01:05:13,017 --> 01:05:16,897
I told him, "You're a disgrace
for a horse's rear end."
870
01:05:16,897 --> 01:05:19,797
CRASH AND COMPO YELLING
871
01:05:19,797 --> 01:05:23,537
You don't need aspirin.
It's all in the muscular tension.
872
01:05:23,537 --> 01:05:27,357
This gentleman is a qualified
therapist. I'm not...
873
01:05:27,357 --> 01:05:30,757
actually working today.
874
01:05:30,757 --> 01:05:32,517
Ooh!
875
01:05:32,517 --> 01:05:36,897
YELLING AND CRASHING
876
01:05:40,097 --> 01:05:42,657
That's it. A bit lower.
877
01:05:42,657 --> 01:05:46,277
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
878
01:05:48,697 --> 01:05:51,277
I'm not wearing that, woman.
879
01:05:51,277 --> 01:05:54,797
Wesley Pegden,
you get into this horse immediately.
880
01:05:54,797 --> 01:05:58,657
Somebody has to do it.
We can't disappoint the children.
881
01:05:58,657 --> 01:06:02,197
It needs two. It's a two-seater.
882
01:06:02,197 --> 01:06:06,297
I'll find you a front end.
You'll find me a rear end.
883
01:06:06,297 --> 01:06:09,937
If I'm going to wear this thing,
I'm going to drive.
884
01:06:26,117 --> 01:06:30,937
Where did it go? Why didn't you
hang onto it? Down three flights of stairs?! Well, where's Eli?
885
01:06:30,937 --> 01:06:33,057
My God, it's eaten Eli!
886
01:06:33,057 --> 01:06:36,557
Don't worry, it just trod on him
a bit, that's all.
887
01:06:41,677 --> 01:06:45,497
Beats me why anybody needs
a dog that size anyway.
888
01:06:56,977 --> 01:06:59,617
Which one of you lot
is the rear end?
889
01:06:59,617 --> 01:07:01,617
ALL: He is!
890
01:07:01,617 --> 01:07:05,497
Wait a minute, that's not a bad idea.
People are looking at us.
891
01:07:05,497 --> 01:07:08,697
It's very conspicuous
chasing a donkey.
892
01:07:12,097 --> 01:07:18,117
There's just no demand to play
the horse's rear. You mention it and people just melt away.
893
01:07:18,117 --> 01:07:19,957
You should try the VIP tent.
894
01:07:19,957 --> 01:07:23,557
They're the biggest bunch of
horse's rears I've seen all day.
895
01:07:29,197 --> 01:07:34,137
Oh, well done, our Seymour. Our
Seymour's found a friend for Wesley.
896
01:07:34,137 --> 01:07:35,897
No problem.
897
01:07:35,897 --> 01:07:39,417
Now, no coarse jokes, Wesley.
898
01:07:39,417 --> 01:07:42,197
Conduct yourself like a thoroughbred.
899
01:07:42,197 --> 01:07:45,337
And wipe your hooves carefully
before you come home.
900
01:07:51,617 --> 01:07:53,817
Get away, you daft thing.
901
01:08:10,437 --> 01:08:14,437
I can't see a damn thing. I should
hope not, where you're looking.
902
01:08:14,437 --> 01:08:16,837
Why can't I be in front?
903
01:08:16,837 --> 01:08:20,657
If you get any closer,
you will be in front. Ooh, ah!
904
01:08:20,657 --> 01:08:23,397
Now, careful, careful. Steady.
905
01:08:43,577 --> 01:08:47,077
Now's your chance.
Three's nobody looking.
906
01:08:47,077 --> 01:08:49,697
Oh, I hope there's nobody looking.
907
01:08:49,697 --> 01:08:53,037
A former headmaster
talking to a horse.
908
01:08:53,037 --> 01:08:55,077
DONKEY BRAYS
909
01:08:59,217 --> 01:09:01,717
Don't let it go! Don't let it go!
910
01:09:01,717 --> 01:09:03,177
Grab the rope!
911
01:09:04,757 --> 01:09:07,217
Aaargh! Aaaargh!
912
01:09:07,217 --> 01:09:09,317
Come back here!
913
01:09:21,157 --> 01:09:23,437
Where is the horse?
914
01:09:23,437 --> 01:09:25,517
He can't be far.
915
01:09:25,517 --> 01:09:27,797
Don't worry. My husband's in front.
916
01:09:27,797 --> 01:09:29,617
He's a qualified driver.
917
01:09:35,377 --> 01:09:36,877
Stop it, will ya?!
918
01:09:54,317 --> 01:09:56,257
Stop, you four-legged git!
919
01:10:02,777 --> 01:10:06,317
What does a bloke have to do
to get a drink round here?
920
01:10:06,317 --> 01:10:09,037
Stop, you four-legged git!
921
01:10:09,037 --> 01:10:11,277
Stop!
922
01:10:29,277 --> 01:10:32,737
ENGINE STARTS
923
01:10:36,737 --> 01:10:40,737
Excuse me, sir, would you like
to pull into the side for me?
924
01:10:49,017 --> 01:10:52,557
Would you mind blowing
into this for me, sir?
925
01:10:54,317 --> 01:10:55,797
Hold that.
926
01:11:15,457 --> 01:11:19,757
So that's it, boys and girls!
Give them a big hand.
927
01:11:19,757 --> 01:11:22,357
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
928
01:11:24,517 --> 01:11:27,037
BAND PLAYS
929
01:11:37,277 --> 01:11:39,937
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
930
01:11:40,397 --> 01:11:43,997
Oh, no! Here we go again!
931
01:11:43,997 --> 01:11:47,877
Are you all right? Far from it! The
flaming favourite won, didn't it?
932
01:11:47,877 --> 01:11:51,897
Is the race over? It's all over!
But we've got the favourite here!
933
01:11:51,897 --> 01:11:55,037
That's what I thought,
but you've got the other one!
934
01:11:55,037 --> 01:11:58,897
That lad of yours picked up
the wrong donkey. I have to go.
935
01:11:58,897 --> 01:12:00,677
Can we rely on that?
936
01:12:00,677 --> 01:12:04,757
There are people up there under the
impression that I owe them money.
937
01:12:06,197 --> 01:12:08,237
But that's my bicycle.
938
01:12:08,237 --> 01:12:10,677
I'll leave it at the station!
939
01:12:10,677 --> 01:12:12,637
Ah.
940
01:12:47,557 --> 01:12:50,457
You let me speak in that horse's ear.
941
01:12:50,457 --> 01:12:52,717
And you were never in there.
942
01:12:52,717 --> 01:12:54,177
We couldn't ALL get in.
943
01:12:54,177 --> 01:12:58,577
Mind you, I often speak in your ear
and you're not in there, either.
944
01:13:00,197 --> 01:13:03,237
What's wrong with his legs?
945
01:13:03,237 --> 01:13:05,557
You're always on about my legs.
946
01:13:05,557 --> 01:13:07,637
Get off!
947
01:13:07,637 --> 01:13:09,677
What's he got Marina's blouse for?
948
01:13:09,677 --> 01:13:11,917
How do you know it's Marina's blouse?
949
01:13:11,917 --> 01:13:13,997
Just a wild guess.
950
01:13:15,397 --> 01:13:18,777
How could you
pick up the wrong donkey?
951
01:13:18,777 --> 01:13:20,857
I think it's cos
I do weight training.
952
01:13:20,857 --> 01:13:23,677
Go and burn some more sausages,
Milburn.
953
01:13:30,117 --> 01:13:34,157
Hey, Nora. What do you want?
Your lipstick's coming off. Where?
954
01:13:34,157 --> 01:13:36,277
All over my cheeky chops.
955
01:13:38,657 --> 01:13:43,057
I don't know how he dares.
She looks fiercer than the donkey.
956
01:13:44,037 --> 01:13:45,637
Only from the front.
957
01:14:07,157 --> 01:14:09,677
SHE SCREAMS
958
01:14:09,727 --> 01:14:14,277
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