Original subtitles

Did you notice that tree we were leaning on was secreting a sticky substance?

Yes, I noticed. I don't know what it's called.

Damned sticky?

Possibly. Nature's marvellous.

The tree uses it to trap insects.

I should have been an Insect Trapper!

Just me, in the wilderness with me faithful ferret and me collection of deadly traps.

Just shut YOUR deadly trap.

I can just see you... in your Davy Crockett hat, made out of hairy caterpillars.

I'd be known as "Big Bill." You'd be known as "SMALL Bill."

Each spring, I'd ride into town with me load of priceless bluebottle pelts.

I'd trade them for whisky and a squaw like Nora Batty.

Keep your bluebottle pelts.

Just what the countryside needs - another mattress.

Harsh words, Foggy. Oh... THAT old mattress.

I thought you meant Nora Batty.

On guard, mesewer! I must avenge la insult.

Ah, oui. La insult.

To my lady with ze wrinkled stockings!

Pack it in! Ah, oui. Le pack it in.

She ignores me.

Oh... I fight duels for her... and she ignores me.

Oh, no. She goes pale at the sight of you.

What will we do about this mattress? Eh?

People would be lost without the countryside - to dump rubbish!

Who is it that goes round dumping rubbish in beauty-spots?

Maybe it's a club.

Nothing's impossible. They could be getting a grant from one of those progressive councils.

It's better than mine.

That's no surprise.

Why not take it home?

All that way home?

Well, if it's better than yours... On closer inspection, it's not.

Damned deceptive, those first impressions. Right!

He's idle, you know.

We're not leaving it here to be an eyesore.

I am starting "The Dewhirst Campaign for a Clean Countryside."

Now... where are you going? Come back, those men!

Will you keep in step!

It's not easy - three in a bed.

I hate carrying mattresses.

The secret is - co-ordination.

You can't get a good grip.

I have that trouble with Nora Batty.

Does he HAVE to walk up your leg? I HATE IT when he walks up your leg.

Leave it!

We're not being defeated by a mattress.

We shall persevere! You don't have to persevere for us.

We really don't MIND being defeated by an abandoned mattress.

I seldom interfere with an EMPTY mattress.

I don't care for this passive attitude.

It's not comfortable to a fighting man. I'll master this problem.

Hey up! He's gone all corporal.

Two paces forward, that man.

I'm being called up, Norm.

Don't forget to write!

Stand there, feet apart.

My feet ARE apart.

If they were stuck together I couldn't ride a bike!

Close all moving parts and brace yourself.

I'm braced! It's Mr Unisex! Tell me, it's Mr Unisex!

Mr UNIVERSE. Sorry!

Tell Mr Unisex to brace himself.

I'm not carrying THAT on me own!

You're only going to hold it up while Clegg and me slip under it.

Then we can carry it more easily.

Hands up! It's the firing-squad!

Something you said?

That man - come here. Lucky me!

Don't forget my bad back. His back hurts at the first hint of work!

BEFORE the first hint.

Right, lift.

Have you got it? I've got it.

You'd think he could handle a simple job like that.

That's no language for a mattress!

Should we get him out?

Well, yes. I suppose we OUGHT to. But I rather like him under there.

That's the most suitable thing he's ever worn. Mmmh.

Ogden Butterclough. Demon Insurance Man.

Damn silly place to make your bed!

You were travelling at excessive speed. For a bedroom!

I've travelled in inferior accommodation,

but that's the WEIRDEST thing I've ever seen in a mattress!

Hey! What's going on here?

It felt like some twonk just missed me with a lawn mower!

A lawn mower?!

It's some fun, moving mattresses.

By heck! It's rough under there.

How long's he lived under there?

Hey up! It's Oggie Butterclough.

Tha sold me mam Life Insurance. Always a pleasure.

She dropped dead.

Her payments were irregular. Oh!

You're not injured, are you?

He's completely uninjured.

And I intend to take no further action

with regard to his misuse of a mattress on the highway.

Pay no heed to that.

You're not my type!

This man has had a skinful.

I resent that wicked rumour.

He likes a drop, does Oggie. He's seen regularly walking in insurance circles.

You can't run over people's mattresses.

I MAY have taken a sherry with that Mrs Dugdale, of 22, The Crescent,

whose dearest wish it is that I call her "Vera".

It was reckless to run over a mattress, when you didn't know who was under it.

It's the executive tension.

Any flaws in my condition can be attributed to occupational stress.

The ruthless cut and thrust!

I envy you lot - no responsibilities.

A free life - outdoors. Living rough, with just a mattress!

How dare you!

You're right. I'd love to - but how dare I?

What with the wife to keep... and obligations to a certain policy holder at 22, The Crescent.

Can I just ABANDON all that?

Get him off!

I'm stuck to an insurance man!

Oggie, let him go.

Can I abandon all that - plus a respectable profession?

Why not? Gauguin did it... ran off to the South Seas to paint dusky maidens.

What colour?

Help me get him back on his feet.

Careful. He's got a terrible grip.

I'll do it! I'll follow your example and be free!

Take me mattress and go! Have this one.

The South Seas. Me. Ogden Butterclough... throws off his chains at last!

But what can I do when I get there? I can't paint!

What can I do? I built a bookshelf.

Can you go to the South Pacific to do bookshelves?

Oh, God! There's me No Claims gone.

Come on, Oggie. You don't care about your No Claims. Not YOU.

A wild, free spirit.

I bet your man-in-the-street has no idea how expensive it is being "a wild, free spirit".

What we have here is known as "a right twit".

But a MOBILE twit. A twit with TRANSPORT.

Swing it round.

Get out of the way!

YOU GREAT STUPID...

Stand back. Don't touch him. He may be delirious.

Of all the prattish... Just as I thought - delirious.

Give him air! Don't touch him.

Is there any blood? I hate blood.

Why can't we be filled with a nice scented powder?

Stupid... Sit still, man! Don't move.

Watch my lips.

Can... you... understand... me?

You... great... dozy... Mary!

I think he understands.

We are going to use this mattress as a stretcher.

Bring it forward.

I say, a stretcher.

We will roll you onto the stretcher.

Improvisation, you see.

Don't let him move!

Gerroff!

He may be doing irreparable damage.

I'll damage YOU - you great Flossie!

Look at me ladder.

Never mind that. Get him on the stretcher.

I'm all right! Allow me to be the judge of that.

Wait!

Very unreasonable type.

He'd be safe with us.

Look what you've done!

He's a moaner!

Me front wheel's punctured.

Is that all? I thought your leg had come off.

You think it's NOTHING?

It's very low on any scale of seriousness.

I'll vouch for that. Very small beer in the trade.

Oh, is it? You think so, do you?

See how YOU like it!

I'll KILL him! Restrain yourself.

It's just one of the ups and downs of life. I'll KILL him!

What happened to "small beer in the trade" eh?

Damn! I've left me spare wheel with a lady who will have to remain nameless.

Cheer up, Ogden.

Let's see a little sunshine in your smile. Your wheel's fixed!

Still got to drag it back though. We're with you all the way.

Oh! That'll be a treat!

Abandon you with the job half-done? Never!

No! Anyway, things have livened up since we ran into you.

HE ran into YOU.

I missed him! Don't worry - there'll be other chances.

Remember, you promised to give us a lift with that mattress.

With you in a minute!

I were just picking up some broken glass.

Did somebody rub a lamp?

Hello!

Can I be...

of service?

What is it?

Ask him. - You ask him. No. I'm worried about the glass.

He's very big to be asking. Yes.

I see you've brought a wheel.

She never said anything about people bringing wheels.

Who never said? Me Auntie Ivy.

I'm working here for me Auntie Ivy.

He's a bouncer!

No. I'm not a bouncer!

I'm a waitress.

Wow! That's some waitress!

No! I tell a lie...

No. I'm not a WAITRESS. I'm a... GENERAL ASSISTANT.

And they said I'd get nowhere when I were at school!

Yes, well... he's only a lad. There's enough there for TWO lads!

What's thee name?

I prefer me nickname.

They call me "Crusher".

Because I've got this really TERRIFIC grip.

Where are you going? Suppose he gets nasty because nobody is a big tipper?

Aye! Nobody is!

He's big, but he's amiable.

But he could LIKE you to death!

Give the lad a chance. He just needs a firm hand. Oh!

After you.

Now then, let's have a little bit of this general assistance!

We want four teas,

all milk, two with one,

one with two and... sugar?

And one without.

Chop chop!

4 teas. All milk. 2 with one, one with 2 and one without.

How many TEAS?

MILLBURN!

What are you doing?

And where's your overall?

I feel such a Jessie in that white frock.

It's NOT a frock.

It's an OVERALL. You look smart in it.

Ask anybody. Put it on!

WHO put THAT there?

Get it off my counter. What do you think this place is?

If someone comes in and gets a chunk of THAT with custard...

I'll get a bad reputation!

No offence intended, madam. I've merely being having a puncture repaired.

A puncture? You're in the right company!

If anything reminded me of escaping wind - it's them three!

Please accept my apologies for any inconvenience.

He talks nice when he's in a panic.

He's lucky to be ABLE to talk.

Am I to understand that you are employing that... eh...

Amiable young fellow, eh? On a regular basis?

He's learning the business.

I am. I'm learning the business!

The Egon Ronay Armoured Division!

I wish I didn't have to learn it in a tight frock!

You look very SMART in your overall.

You MUST make an impression.

Oh, he's MADE an impression! Ssh!

That's for learning in. But when I'm satisfied with your progress,

we'll buy you something bigger.

Look at that!

Millburn!

I want you to get...

This is ridiculous! Grown men fleeing. I want my wheel back.

Can I have my wheel back?

I think there's every chance of you getting your wheel back!

My wheel...

You can recognise Ivy's bowling - she goes straight for the middle peg!

He's breathing better.

Insurance men are hard to handle when their wheels come off.

I'm all right. I may never have children - but lots of people don't.

That's good news for Mrs Dugdale!

It's a bad time for children. You get them to 14 and their hair turns green.

Or orange.

Imagine... a head like a jaffa.

Let me go now. I'll make my way back to the car.

It's been nice meeting you. It's been one long...

NIGHTMARE!

We wouldn't abandon a chap in difficulties. You could TRY.

Why walk when we can get you a ride? I have this feeling.

His bottle's gone!

You can give us a hand with the mattress. Oh, goody!

What's up with him?

He's had a puncture.

I'll give YOU a puncture.

Who is she?

Nora Batty. She's famous.

Don't let her get me wheel.

Clear off! Hey up! I've only just come.

It seems like ages!

Relax, we can control him.

She likes me. We've got a big thing going.

Don't come to me for comprehensive cover!

He can't pick horses either.

I like a challenge. Yes!

No! Come away, Foggy. She's NEVER in a good mood -

but this isn't one of her better BAD moods!

I'm not running away from this.

I wonder if you would be so kind...

I... I wondered if we could have a word with your husband?

With HIM? You want a word with HIM?

Nobody ever wants a word with HIM!

Is he in? Of course!

I'm SURE he's in. I've seen him.

When did I see him? No. That was yesterday.

He'll be in. I'll stake my reputation he's in. Come in...

Hey, Oggie, do you think I've got a chance with her?

Don't let her get the wheel!

Wipe your feet!

Sit down, why don't you!

Are you sure it isn't something I can do?

N... no. I don't think so.

I can think of something...

It's nice to see a friendly face!

It has to be HIM?

If you don't mind.

Why should I mind?

No skin off MY nose if you want a word ONLY with HIM.

See if I care!

I'll get him if he's not too busy.

And if I'M not standing behind him, he WON'T be too busy!

Are you sure it's nothing I can do?

N... no. Thank you.

She never gave me ONE sympathetic look! Did you see that?

Not ONE sympathetic look.

I'm losing my grip!

Come here and see what they want!

Who? Come and find out.

And get rid of them QUICK!

Ah! Human beings!

We don't get many human beings.

Normally it's just HER lot.

We wondered if you could give us a lift up the hill on your motorbike.

We wanted to keep it a secret from Nora, in case she invents 14 reasons for you not doing it!

It won't be a secret now. She'll be listening.

She's ALWAYS listening.

That's a lie!

NO - he can't give you a lift. He's FAR TOO BUSY!

It's very good of you to go to all this trouble and get us a lift up this hill!

I TRIED. You HEARD me try.

It's a pity Wally had to stay behind

and look after the Herman Goering Division!

There you are, Ogden.

All things are possible with help from your friends.

Put those papers in the back.

Are you sure you've tied it properly this time? Give over...

Hang on a minute! Who... Me motor!

Flippin' heck... f...

Charming language for an insurance man!

Get me down!

If he's going to keep doing this, he'll have to grow some feathers!

You know what Compo needs to break his fall?

If only we knew where to get hold of a mattress!

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