Original subtitles

Breathtaking. -Don't do your legs much good, either.

I wonder who's won the 3.30

Don't you feel any sense of humility at how impermanent we are

in the face of all this grandeur?

Why don't we see who can whistle the loudest with their fingers in their teeth?

You don't want to waste your whistle out here in the open air

Maybe you're right It's much more effective when you use it indoors, as nature intended

That's true. -Don't encourage him!

Look what it happened when you used it the last time to speed up the landlord of the Black Bull

They threw us out

There you are, you see. I thought at the time, "God, that's effective."

I don't wish to be reminded of that incident

It's the first time a Dewhurst had been asked to leave a place of refreshment

He didn't ask you to leave, he told you...

I know what he told me

Can't you lift your mind for one moment above that kind of sordid detail?

Surely there must be something in all this magnificence to interest you?

The subtle colours of the hillsides

The ever-changing panorama of the sky...

You see? You see?

He said there'd be something in all this magnificence to interest you

Were you looking?

Did you see that?

I landed on the old feet, just like a leopard

I bet you've got a few sore spots an' all

Paratrooper's reflex

When you've been trained like a steel blade, you...

you never lose that fine edge

Would you like us to turn away, Foggy,

while you have a quiet scream?

I've no regrets that Foggy dragged us all that way

You get up there amongst all that magnificent scenery,

you look out over the valleys,

you see Foggy falling backwards off a wall

Suddenly, it's all been worthwhile

That'll be Murdoch

They're taking him back for his funeral in t'morning

Alan Murdoch? Aye

I see he still drives like a lunatic

He was ready to go

Who was?

Murdoch

Just as well, then, isn't it?

Because he went anyway

He was in here only a week before

Don't say that, you fool!

They'll think it was something he picked up in here

I once picked up Lily Gilchrist in here

You'd have been better off with food poisoning

Who ordered salad?

He never looked quite right in his uniform, Murdoch

Some people never quite achieve the military finesse

Especially when they work as a lollipop man

I was thinking of war. Aren't you going to finish your tea first?

I was thinking of when Murdoch was called to the colours in 1940

Our kid were called more than once Called more than once?

Well, they used to call with these two socking great military policeman with red hats

Typical, isn't it? Typical!

Yes, but their kid was inspired by the Prime Minister's speeches

No sooner had he heard the words, "We shall fight them in the hedgerows,"

than they found their kid struggling gamely in a hedge bottom with a huge lady from the ATS

They were engaged And we know what at, don't we?

Well, that's the way it was in wartime

You had to snatch a bit of pleasure as it passed

I know about the snatching system

She lives in dread of being caught with me hand under her counter

Will you shut your big mouth? Whose fault is it?

The wives round here make love as if it's shoplifting

Get out of here. Get out, get out! What did I say?

What are you doing? Come away from that door!

Come away from that door at once

Have consideration for other people's privacy

It's just getting interesting Will you sit down?!

Do you realise, there up the hill, that's the first time

that Murdoch's ever passed us without raising two fingers?

You must not allow yourself to become a slave

to an inferior little impulse like curiosity

Oh, I don't mind being inferior

It's better than being in Lancashire

It is all a question of exerting the power of the will

Maybe it's nothing personal. Maybe Murdoch stopped waving at everybody

The will must be exercised until it becomes master of all the impulses

Oh, put that thing away!

By 'eck, Foggy, it's marvellous how you master the impulse

not to leap back and shout, "Put that thing away."

Here you are, my little beauty Have a little nibble at that

There we are

You're not going round lopping the heads off flowers, are you?

Who are you, Percy Thrower's hit man?

It's already dead

But is it? Well, of course it is It's been dug up, hasn't it?!

But Murdoch's dead, and they're are just about to dig him IN

Well, he's better dressed than he used to be

That's not Murdoch!

Don't look owt like Murdoch

Well, you don't suppose he has managed to talk anyone into changing places, do you?

You know what's wrong, don't you?

Of course we know what's wrong, he's dead

No, what's wrong is his tie is not straight

Oh, I think it would be more than that, Foggy,

I don't suppose that killed him

Well, straighten it

No, it was just an observation

Oh, all right, I'll straighten it

Come out!

Look, do you want it straightened or don't you?

It's not up to us

It's no good waiting for Murdoch to do it

I think I'd rather remember him with his tie not straight

Yes, I don't suppose it will matter, just this once

Just one thing. What?

When I'm dead,

will you make sure that nobody as scruffy as me comes to my funeral?

Hey! Good of you to come

It's only proper, Annie

He knew he were dying, you know

Really? Oh, aye

I telled him

"You needn't think you're getting over this one," I said

"I've seen it all before." And I had

With my sister's husband

"She'd tell you just the same," I said

And no doubt she did. Oh, aye

Oh, yes. Lot of empty vases in the cafe now, are there?

Couldn't you do better than that?

Listen, if Murdoch's got any complaints, he can change 'em

You are supposed to write a card as well

Greenfly

You mustn't despise his flowers, Foggy. Plants are sensitive things

You can hurt their feelings

Scientists have discovered that they respond to fear and affection

You give me a bunch of flowers and a few twigs

and I can transform a squad of fighting men beyond all recognition

Even in the bright sunlight the trained infantryman can melt into his background like...

What's so interesting about a bunch of flowers?

Did you see that? See what? They flinched. Who flinched?

The flowers. One loud, thoughtless word from you and they flinched

How do you mean, they flinched? Well, they went like, er...

Rubbish!

One uncomplimentary word from you

and they all shrank into themselves, all hurt and introspective

He does talk some fanny!

"All hurt and contraceptive"!

What did I say that was uncomplimentary?

"What's so...

"What's so interesting about a bunch of flowers?" you said,

in a loud, military voice developed on the battlefields of Europe

Yeah, and the Middle East

I intended no criticism

Just that you can't remove all traces of command overnight

I sometimes wonder if the old war horse can ever really settle down

to this placid grazing in civilian pastures

What a load of conkers!

He were only a corporal sign-writer!

Well, you try doing classical Roman capitals under shot and shell

There's only one thing I have got to say to thee and that's... Argh!!

You've done it now

You feel them, they've gone completely tense

Did they flinch again?

Well, you'd have missed it if you weren't watching carefully

It's not as if they're an excitable species

Placid by nature

Yes. Notorious for hiding its emotions, is the marigold

Is it? Yes

Well, they are British, you know

If it's sheer plant hysteria you're looking for,

you've got to get yourself a vase of that exotic sub-tropical rubbish,

you know, especially that variegated variety that's all

wind and pistols

I didn't see it move

Did you see it move, Foggy? No

It's not the kind of thing a trained sniper would miss

Well, it was mainly this fellow here, but the one next to him has a rather more rugged personality...

Gentlemen, please. We have a temperamental marigold in here

No, not him. A flower

One word out of place and we could have pollen all over the place

..his great mercy to take unto himself the soul of our dear brother

here departed. We therefore commit his body to the ground

earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, in sure and certain

hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ

who shall change our vile body that it may be like unto

his glorious body, according to the mighty working,

whereby he is able to subdue...

Thank you, Padre

Very nice, Vicar, thank you

How do you, Vicarage?

Well, I don't reckon owt to funerals

I want to celebrate being alive

I want to feel the blood rushing through me wellies

I want to do something memorable to Nora Batty

Come on, let's have a bit of service in here. Where are you?

Do you mind? Can't you attract their attention more politely?

All right, you do it

Oh, dear

Shop, please

You big 'nana! Come 'ere

If you want service, press the bell

That's what it's there for

All right

It don't work. How do you know?

You can't hear it But you can hear it in there!

How do you know? Well, if they couldn't hear it in there,

they wouldn't answer it, would they?

It's like the light in a refrigerator. The what?

If you're not inside the refrigerator,

you don't know whether the light goes off when you shut the door

You want to be in a refrigerator?

It's the bell, Foggy

The bell, the bell, it doesn't work See, look

Well, perhaps it does work

But it doesn't work, you big trollop Look!

There. Come here

Come away from that door!

Come away from that door, will you?!

Knock it down, why don't you?!

Perhaps you'd like me to dismantle the place,

so you can lay it out on the road and run over it with a lorry

Tell her it wasn't me banging

Well, don't talk to me, I'm just waiting for the bus

If you want service, ring the bell

Well, we rang the bell Well, I never heard it

What did I tell ya? We rang it

Oh, God, the battery's flat

Well, all we want's a bit of service

Ring the bell and wait

Until they get another battery!

All we want's three cups of tea

Look, you can bear testimony, can't you? It wasn't me banging

You can be witness A witness against a Simmonite?

You're asking me to be a witness against a Simmonite?

Doesn't he know how big your Eric is in bone-crushing circles?

Big? The bigger they are, the harder they fall

And our Eric's got a long way to fall, mate, I tell ya. Up here...

And that's just his left leg!

You've heard of Bonnie and Clyde?

Well, Eric's more your ugly and Clyde

Oh, who's been stirring up my missus?

Look, all I need for the completion of my domestic harmony

is some long gangling twollop upsetting my wife!

Why me? Has it occurred to you you might be mistaken?

Every two hours for the past 25 years

How many times have I told you to get a new battery for that bell?!

As I recall, that's the first time, my love

Well, don't be all day about it, or they'll knock the door down

I can see, even from here, that you've got some individual

baked fruit pies We're trying a new line

So am I, with Nora Batty. Oh, aye?

Yeah, well, I weren't getting anywhere with the old one

No, I tell a lie, there were that one magical night

when we had a power cut and I blew out her candle

Oh, yes, and what's this new approach, then?

I don't see why I should furnish you with all my trade secrets

How do I know that you won't all rush away and have your way with her?

Oh, that's a fair question

She's foul-tempered. And horrible

And that's a fair answer. Ah, but she has a kind of weathered beauty

Oh, yeah?

You know how

beautiful the old public wash houses look in the moonlight...

and you wonder maybe if there is a God after all

And suddenly, for a few minutes, you want to do something reckless,

like comb your hair or wash your feet

Well, that's all I want to be with Nora

But I've been romancing her all this time and it's got me nowhere

Romancing her, he says. You haven't got a romantic bone in your body

All right then, come on, tell us,

for what professional reasons did thee remain a bachelor?

I came to the conclusion there was no place in marriage

for a professional fighting man

There's a place in my marriage for one

Look at him, look at him! He wouldn't know what to do with a bird

What we're interested in is, what are you doing with this new approach to Nora Batty?

It won't be anything as constructive as smartening yourself up or having a shave?

Women like the untamed look today, buddy

He looks like an ancient Sex Pistol

Wait, now, can I have your attention, please? Huh?

I think I may be getting through

What's up with him?

Sad, in't it?

I think funerals upset him

Mind you, by that look on Murdoch's face,

I don't think it were doing him much good either

He's read somewhere that scientists have discovered that plants

can show signs of fear or pleasure

They laughed at Galileo

I should think they did laugh at Galileo if he was playing teacups to a bunch of daisies

It's no good

Hey, who's gonna wash this lot up?

That's like asking Liberace to powder his own piano

No, you can't really pluck at the heartstrings

with just six chipped cups

We need something more musical...

Don't we, fellas, eh?

Here we are, then. Ha!

Yes

An enchanted, quiet spot for practising on borrowed instruments

It's ridiculous

I don't think I know that, how does it go?

This whole experiment is ridiculous

Will you put that away?

I only just took it out

The sooner we become proficient in one simple melody, the sooner

we can get back to the cafe and continue with the experiment

Yes, well, at least I'm glad to see you've had

the tact and discretion to choose a place free from prying eyes

Look, wrap your lips round that flute and shut your gob!

Thank you, Sir Malcolm Sargent

All right then, trio One, two, three, four

Well, come along, that man

Hang about, hang about, I'm waiting to ignore Nora Batty

Ignore her? Yes

That's me new approach

I come out and I give her her daily dose of ignoring. Is it working?

Its driving her crackers

This could be very interesting

I think I'll have a little blow of my recorder

I like to have a little toot on me recorder now and again

Not too much, just a...

a little toot

♪ Some enchanted evening

♪ You may see a... ♪

She's putting a damn good face on it, isn't she?

Get stuffed!

We'd better catch him up

I never liked to leave a disappointed man with a loaded recorder

Do what? It's alright you scoffing but ask yourselves this,

what makes certain farmers play romantic music to their milk cows?

Extreme loneliness? Rubbish

Soothing music increases the milk yield

I still don't see the point of warbling at a daisy

I mean, even if he did learn how to milk a daisy,

would there be any demand for it? All right, all right

I can see that you don't believe that these very attractive plants

will respond to music

Highly unlikely. Life is full of rich surprises, Foggy

Not civilian life. Oh, I miss the raw excitement of battle

You wanna try that last bus from Huddersfield

You can't go through life with a closed mind, Foggy

Well, you don't make corporal without a wide intellectual curiosity

I was thinking last night, when I was mending your vest,

how the years go by. How soon it is when the man you married

when he was young and stupid turns out to be quite old and stupid!

Did you get that battery for the bell?! Yes, I did, my beloved

♪ Oh, my beloved! ♪ Oh, give over!

Calm yourself down

Come on, come on, sit down Sit down

Oh, I knew it wouldn't be long before the Fuhrer took over. Heil

Now, stage one Before we play music to the flowers

we have to get them into the right frame of mind

Now, please raise your index fingers,

sometimes known as the forefingers

No

Two fingers are not an acceptable substitute for the forefinger

He means the first or index finger

I know!

Not the one you scratch with, the one you poke your ear with

I've got it now. I know, we've seen you scratching it

He's had that for some while Yes. Well, now, stage two...

Extend the index finger gently in the direction of the flowers,

until it rests with a feather-light touch

upon the head of an individual bloom

Well, come on, get on with it

Right, now what do we do?

Smile. You what? Smile!

It's no good sitting there frightening them to death

Now I want you to clear your minds of all hostile thoughts

What a load of... Especially that one

Right, well, what do we do now?

Begin stroking. You what?!

Start stroking it. Stroking what?

That delicate little head that your finger was resting on, start stroking it. What for?

How else is it to believe that you're fond of it?

How else are you to win its trust and affection?

You see, we live in a mysterious universe

We have to go through life with that attitude of quiet expectancy

which belongs to the motorist parked on a double yellow line

Thank you, thank you. Stage three...

I will have a little bet with you all, right now,

that if we all play together...

Play together? Give over!

If we play music to the flowers together...

Ah...

A little bet... A little bet...

That if we combined the power of our recorders and aim

the full melodious force of the music at these shy little blooms,

then I will bet you all? 1

that you will all be in for a surprise...

and...

..a shock

You give us a pound if we play at them flowers and nothing happens?

Done Oh, don't waste your money, Clegg

Hang on, prawn face

It's a free country If he wants to waste his money,

that's his democratic right Lend us a quid

Right, what are we gonna play?

Greensleeves

Oh, his signature tune, eh? It's gotta be done with feeling

I have a feeling somebody's crackers round here

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait

Now, if we get no reaction from them, we win a quid?

Correct. Unless there is a definite reaction

which surprises you all, you all win? 1

Now, are we all ready?

Oh, yes, we are ready

Keep your eyes on the flowers, and wait for the reaction

One, two, three, four

What the devil are you doing now?!

Have you seen yourselves, three grown men?!

I could get you certified, no bother!

As for you, you weak-brained...

I knew you'd be up to something, but I never dreamed

that I'd find you tootling in concert to a vase of flaming daisies!

Greensleeves, if you will!?

You sit there tootling and they knock the place down!

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