Original subtitles

I think I'll be okay, but thank you for the...

All right.

Well, then...

I suppose we have what your gambling addicted customers

would refer to as a deal.

A deal, but only if you stop referring to me as a prostitute.

- I will indeed. - Thank you.

As long as you stop behaving like one.

Yeah. I forgot my razor.

Now, the family portrait wall.

This is my Aunt Helena.

So this is my Aunt Helena.

Whenever I would have guests over to the manor,

I would make sure I was properly dressed and, of course,

I would offer them tea and sex.

- Snacks! - Snacks!

So, anyway. Right this way.

So a lady should walk as though her entire body

is being lifted off the ground.

Like a marionette. Like this.

Okay. Marionette.

Bread-making is an art that a lady should do well to master.

Diction is very important.

It's not funny, Hannah. Diction.

Say it. Without laughing.

Diction.

I think I am getting it.

I can assure you by any objective measure, you are not.

Who wants to walk like a fucking marionette anyway?

After every bite of food, a lady dabs her lips with her napkin.

- Even if there's no reason to? - Even if there is no reason to.

But in this case, there is.

We have these things called grocery stores

where you can literally just pick up as much of this stuff as you want.

No.

Miraculously, you keep missing it.

It's actually worse. It's worse than it was before.

Try this one. Ready?

To sit in solemn silence on a dull, dark dock

in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock,

awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock

from a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block.

You gotta be fu...

Careful.

Yeah!

My God!

Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather!

Very good!

This is my cousin Mandy.

- This is my cousin... Mandy? - She died.

She fell off a horse and broke her neck right in front of my eyes.

It was awful.

- That's my mother. - This is my mother.

A lady is not, under any circumstances,

To produce nonverbal sounds.

While in mixed company.

Do you mean like a fart?

Well, a lady would also not use a crass term like... like fart.

But if you must expel any naughtiness from your nether regions,

you would excuse yourself from whatever room you're in to go be alone,

in another room.

Actually, if you don't mind,

I'm going to test out this method right now.

- Already? - So, yeah. Um, if you'll excuse me.

By all means.

- Milady. - Yes.

Did you just come into my room to fart?

Did somebody fart?

I think it was the floor.

Yeah. It's creaky.

Yeah, I smell it now. Yeah.

Yeah.

- It wasn't you? - No.

- No. - No.

- How's the book? - It stinks.

Okay.

What are you doing?

A lady arises promptly to greet the morning.

What time is it?

It's 6:00 a.I'm., and I apologize for my tardiness.

Okay. Ten more minutes. Ten more minutes.

No, Hannah. It's time to wake up now.

Yoop, yoop, yoop, yoop!

- Yoop! - Please shut the fuck...

Hey. We had a deal.

Force of habit. My apologies.

Thank you.

Enjoy your opium.

And it's weed. It's not opium.

Happy anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Wadsworth.

We'd love to offer you a complimentary bottle of champagne.

Thanks.

Baby Yoda.

Congratulations.

Tanner. Pic.

Make sure you tag me this time.

Okay?

I'd like to thank you all for coming to my home today.

And I wish you all a lovely day.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you. Thank you.

Lady Wadsworth. Look at you. That was very impressive, I must say.

I only saw the tail end of it, but so good.

Well, that's very nice of you to say, Professor Plumm.

Please don't call me that.

Would you rather be called Colonel Mustard?

- Yeah. You know, I would actually. - Okay.

So what are you, doing here?

Well, I'm the head of the Savannah Historical Society.

We're cosponsoring this event for Grayson Wadsworth

that's coming up here in a couple days.

I was just picking up contracts for that.

I'm so sorry. I saw a dog, and I, like, spaced out for a minute.

Actually, I just came by to see if my favorite reenactress

wanted to hang... hang out.

If you want. Or not.

- Not a a big deal. Yeah. - I would.

I just, like... I would feel like I was cheating on my new boyfriend.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know you had a boyfriend. I'm sorry.

Yeah. I mean it's, like, our status is kind of up in the air right now.

- Right. - I'm not good at a lot of things,

but one thing I am good at is reading people,

and I just have a feeling it's about to get serious.

It's gotta be like...

Of course. Of course. Well, I'm happy for you. That's nice.

- Thank you. - You deserve...

I'm gonna go. Well, I'll see you... I'll see you around.

Yeah.

- That's bullshit, by the way. - What?

You're good at a lot of things.

I think.

Thanks.

Did that boy finally muster the courage to ask you out?

He mustered it.

Thank God. I like him.

Yeah, I like him too.

I've been dying to talk to someone about this.

I actually think I'm falling for Tanner.

Don't say it.

- What?

Okay. Look, I know he comes across, like, weird a little bit.

Like a little bit cool and, like, douchey, but...

And he's also a little, um...

- Married? - Married. Yeah, and, like...

Wait, married?

Married, like married to his work?

No, like married to his wife.

I'm sorry, honey. I thought you knew.

Wow.

Hey, sweetie.

Tum-tum all better?

- Where were you? - Sorry I was a little late.

Keeping a lady waiting is not a gentlemanly thing to do.

A lady?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Don't you think I'm a lady?

You're sexy when you're mad.

Are you married?

Yes, I am.

But before we get into that,

I think we need to talk about your performance the last few weeks.

What about it?

It hasn't been good.

So I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go.

- You're firing me? - You were right.

You're just not cut out for this.

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

- You just fired me. - Yeah.

I fired you. I didn't break up with you.

Let's make your last night here a special one.

So then he was like, "We should fuck anyway."

And I was like, "What?"

And he was like, "Yeah."

And I was like, "I'm not gonna go near your dick."

- Anna. - Sorry. It's Hannah.

Okay. Um, I have other customers I have to take care of, so...

Where?

Here. Surprise!

- Whoo! - Shit.

It's fun to be a ghost.

Boy, what I wouldn't give for a mint julep.

I miss my mortal lips.

What are you doing here? I mean, how can you be here?

I can be anywhere I want to be,

even in this place of ill repute.

So you've just been choosing to be in the mansion this whole time?

I have. And what of it?

I... It's just...

so boring.

Hannah, if you do not wish to share in my company this evening, please just say so.

I can see you are here with a group of friends,

of which I am clearly not welcome.

No, these are just mine.

I'm-I'm here alone.

I actually could use some company.

Well, you must get yourself to an apothecary immediately

for some leeches or you'll risk death by alcohol!

No. I'm fine. I'm good. I've got the tolerance of a fat guy.

By the way, did you hear I got fired tonight?

Hopefully the new "you" is gonna be more to your liking.

Why did the Pipkins fire you?

What error did you commit to lose favor with them?

Why do you think the Pipkins fired me?

Well, because they own the house.

They... They do?

Don't be silly. Of course, they do. I left it to them.

Holy fucking shit.

There you are. Before you say anything, hear me out.

I need your help, but not because you're a man, okay?

Okay.

Because you're a nerd.

- Why are you so out of breath? - My God.

I've been running around this whole dumb place looking for you.

- Well, I wasn't in my office. - Tanner kicked me out.

I'm so sorry.

And I'm pretty sure his relatives might have stolen

Wadsworth Manor from Nia's relatives, according to the ghost.

Anyway, I think I like her. I think we might be friends.

And, like, it kinda sucks nobody but me can see her.

Also, can I crash on the couch in your office for a few days?

Please? And by the way, why aren't you in your office?

Should I go, Dr. Plumm?

- No. - Wow.

Dewey... What?

I-I mean, I wasn't expecting that.

- Expecting what? - I'm sorry, Dewey.

Actually, it kind of makes sense.

You know, look, I know that I hurt you

and I'm really sorry, but you moved on really fast.

He's...

Dewey, hold on one second. Just give me a minute, okay?

Sorry, Dewey.

- He's my student, idiot. - Sure.

- All right, look... - I mean, I get it, like...

What? Sorry, Dewey.

You can crash on the couch for a day or two,

but I gotta start drawing boundaries for myself, okay?

I can't help you out any more than that.

Okay. I... I understand.

I'm sorry. Hold on.

Gimme a break!

Sorry.

No, it's just about the dumb tour and the Wadsworth's.

There's a whole worldwide web of information.

What do they call it?

Well, they call it the internet, okay?

- Internet. - Yes.

There's that bespectacled gentleman caller of yours.

I fear he suffers from consumption. He does not look well.

No, he's just a nerd. That's what they look like.

A nerd.

- Maxi-pad! Yoo-hoo! - Shh!

- I'm here by this computer. - Shh!

Who's shushing?

What are you doing?

Why are you talking like that?

What do you mean? It's a library. I'm whispering.

That's just as loud as I was being!

Shh!

- Sorry. Sorry. - Shh!

- What are you even doing here? - Research.

Something that you wouldn't know anything about.

It's literally what I do for a living.

What books have you been looking in?

Yeah, they have books here.

Look, this is not me helping you,

but you're gonna have much better luck finding anything from the 1800s

if you go to the county courthouse.

That's where they keep all that stuff. Wills, deeds, everything.

Yeah, I know. We were going to do that next.

But thank you.

Consumption. I told you.

Ma'am? Ms. Gunderson.

- Can I help you? - Yes, you may.

I am a cold case attorney from the firm, um...

- Salt and Pepperstein. - Okay.

And, um, I would like to heretofore request the will

of one Elizabeth Wadsworth from the year...

- 1875. - 1875.

Best I can do is provide you with a printout copy.

I'm not sure if you heard me,

but I'm an attorney, so, like, I'm gonna need the original copy.

This is all public record.

- Is it? - What does that mean?

What does that mean?

That means you don't have to pretend to be an attorney to see them.

Sorry.

The records from that era are no longer available.

They were converted to digital years ago.

But this should suffice for whatever your purposes are.

Just regular purposes. Like nothing weird. Just...

I don't believe it! This document has been forged!

How do you know it's been forged?

Bluetooth.

That is not my signature!

I didn't do my H's that way.

I put a squiggle with my W's. And I would never use a quill that thin.

And the ink I used is so much thicker, Hannah.

I had the most beautiful penmanship.

I simply do not understand why my husband would have done this.

I was explicitly clear that Wadsworth Manor,

my beloved father's home, would be left to the Pipkin family,

since I could not bear children of my own.

Wait, so if you couldn't bear children,

that means you're not even related to Tanner?

I am not. After my death, my husband remarried

and began a legacy of his own.

A legacy that is thriving today.

I don't know if I'd say "thriving." He's a total dick.

You and that word "Dick."

It's a shortened version of "Richard," yes?

I have known many, many Dicks in my lifetime.

I don't understand why it took you over 100 years

to figure out that he fucked you over.

That he screwed you over.

Messed you over?

That's better.

You know, for a ghost, your powers are pretty limited.

Aren't you supposed to be, like, all-knowing or whatever?

I just assumed my wishes had been fulfilled.

Nia always seemed so in charge, like her mother before her.

Okay. I have watched enough cold case shows

to be able to figure this out.

The first thing they do is they talk about what they already know.

So, what do we already know?

- Wadsworth Manor has tours. - You can write on a wall.

- I, Hannah, worked there for a while. - Just wipe it right off.

You, Lady Wadsworth,

is a ghost with crappy powers.

That's hurting my feelings a little bit.

"Crappy powers."

Anyone can get a will from a courthouse.

Well, you have just broken this case wide open.

Sarcasm.

I didn't think that was invented until the 1900s.

You know, for such an anal lady, you're actually pretty careless.

I don't know why you wouldn't have made a duplicate copy

of the will or something.

- Of course I made a duplicate copy. - What?

- Where is it? - In a book in my bedroom.

My God! Why didn't you tell me that?

We've wasted so much time doing all this research!

Well, surely the duplicate would have been discovered by now.

My crucial mistake was putting it

inside of such a wildly popular work of literature.

Where did you put it, in the Jesus book?

- The Bible? - Yes.

Close. The American Woman's Home by Harriet Beecher Stowe.

My God. Did you erase my lesson plan?

Look, I'm sorry to offend you,

but what we are doing IS SO much more important

than your little lesson plan.

- Okay? - Yeah. I can see that.

You know, if you're not gonna help, I'm going to kindly ask you to leave.

- This is my office. - Yeah.

Out of curiosity, how much longer are you planning on living here?

Hold that thought.

You don't happen to know someone in the play department,

by any chance, do you?

What?

And while I lived here, I hosted...

I'm sorry, but the 12:00 tour already started, Rabbi.

You can come back for the 2:00.

That's okay.

I have to, snip a little boy's wiener at that time,

so, I'll just go to this one.

Enjoy the tour.

Mazel.

In fact, in a few days, this lobby will once again host...

Yes!

Thief! I must insist that you vacate my bedroom at once!

It's me.

My God. It's Hannah, you idiot.

- My word! - I found the will.

What kind of sorcery is this?

How have you come to transform yourself so?

I got bit by a dog that has rabbis.

You don't get it.

I get it. I just don't find it to be humorous.

Like you would know funny.

I thought it was against the lady rules to even laugh.

It's against them to indulge in laughter.

That's nuts. Laughter is such a great part of life.

A little laughter is fine.

A touch of silliness.

I myself have been known to make a silly face from time to time.

Really? Let's see it.

I want to see it. Come on.

That's it? That's your silly face.

- Yes! - Come on.

It's like this. It's not even...

Okay. Try this one.

How about this?

- I couldn't possibly. - Come on.

- I couldn't possibly! - You were going like this. Try this one.

I'd love to hear what's so funny.

What have you got there?

Nothing.

Psst. Catch.

- Hello, police? - Fuck.

I'd like to report a break-in at Wadsworth Manor.

Now we must remain calm,

so we can figure out how to get another copy of that will

since your carelessness destroyed it,

along with my most cherished book, I might add.

I destroyed it? You're the one who didn't catch it!

I cannot touch material things of this world. You know that!

Then how the fuck were you planning on reading the book again?

- Your language is... - Is unladylike?

- Yes! - Guess what, Lizzie, it's not 1875.

Ladies say "fuck" and "shit" and "fart,"

and sometimes, gasp, they actually do fart and shit and fuck!

- At the same time? - Time to catch up to the 20th century.

It's the 21st century.

That's what I meant!

You always gotta be right, don't you?

I'm just never good enough or smart enough

or-or fucking ladylike enough.

And I am so sick of constantly being reminded.

Well, I am so sick of having to remind!

You are so utterly careless with your own affairs.

I was a fool to think you could help me with mine,

as friends are won't to do.

Friends? We're not friends.

I never asked to be part of your life. Or afterlife.

Or whatever the fuck this is.

Everything okay in here, ladies?

Can I request a transfer?

Well, if that is the way that you feel, then I will not bother you anymore.

I'm sorry I haunted you.

I'm sorry if I have caused you any pain.

And I'm sorry for any cock blockage I may have put you through.

Wait! Don't go!

Okay.

I'm Jinx, by the way.

You got any extra meds that I can get?

Hey, Rabbi. You made bail.

I'm over here.

Actually, I think I'm gonna walk.

- I've got work to do. - Yeah?

Yeah. Someone's gotta save Wadsworth Manor.

- You really care about her? - What do you mean?

Lady Wadsworth. Remember, it wasn't that long ago

we were trying to sage her out of existence.

I care about Nia.

She deserves that house.

And I'm gonna make damn sure she gets it.

It's, like, how the fuck am I supposed to do this by myself?

Like, who do I think I am? Do you know who I am?

Do you? Like...

I was friends with a ghost, like, an actual ghost,

and now it's like, like, Tanner is such a dick!

You know, like, who cares?

Like, who cares?

Listen, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but here's the deal.

You're a smart, confident woman,

who I fully believe could do anything she sets her mind to.

Now go do it.

- Go. - You're right.

I can do anything you set my mind to.

Close enough.

I'm gonna make you proud!

Hey, hey, hey. You still have a tab here for $279.

- How you want to settle that? - What?

Yeah? 'Cause my friend is, like, calling out to me.

No, I'll be right there! Sorry.

I-I don't hear anything.

When I was alive, I hosted a number of festive galas and balls.

In fact... we may once again play host to such an event.

And right over here, of course, we have General Sherman's hat.

♪ Maybe living on another shore ♪

♪ Something different that I'm living for ♪

♪ Or someone ♪

♪ Cover to cover ♪

♪ Never satisfied ♪

♪ I'm going under I wanna go home won't never look back ♪

♪ Maybe I'll try Maybe I'll die trying ♪

♪ To let this be enough ♪

♪ For now, for now, enough ♪

♪ Maybe I'll try Maybe I'll die trying ♪

♪ To let this be enough ♪

♪ For now... ♪...

♪ I'm over everyone ♪

♪ I stay home, stay on the run ♪

♪ I go blind when the visions come ♪

♪ I'm kept under ♪

♪ And there's no other life ♪

♪ There's no living in another lie ♪

♪ There's nothing special about you and I ♪

♪ We're on our own like everyone else ♪

♪ Maybe I'll try Maybe I'll die trying ♪

♪ To let this be enough ♪

♪ For now, for now, enough ♪

♪ Maybe I'll try Maybe I'll die trying ♪

♪ To let this be enough ♪

♪ For now... ♪...

You've been tidying up in here, I see.

How's the investigation going, Sherlock?

I would kindly thank you not to patronize me.

You sound like you're giving a tour.

I'm sorry. Seriously, how is it going?

Not great. I just feel like I'm missing something.

I got it! You're missing your pipe and your hat.

Sherlock? Get it?

My God!

I'm sorry. That was the last one, I swear.

No. The hat.

It's in the hat! Holy shit. You're a genius!

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm not following you.

Okay. It doesn't matter. I will explain it to you on the way.

On the way to where?

On the way to the fancy campaign thing that you're hosting.

- Come on! - That's not for another four hours.

Come on, great. Well, that will give us time to find costumes.

Costumes?

Welcome to Wadsworth Manor.

Damn it, Hannah. If Tanner sees you,

- he's gonna flip his shit. - I know, but...

No! No! Sorry. Sorry, freaks. Not on the list.

Well, actually, um, I am Max Plumm, head of the Savannah Historical Society

and keynote speaker for the evening. Check your list.

We'll just get one of the other history nerds to do it.

Babe, what the fuck? You just left me there talking to...

My God, stop.

- What? - I can't.

- You can't what? - Deal.

- With what? - I'm dead.

I cannot deal with your outfits.

- I'm obsessed. - That's a good thing...

Well, it's a funny story.

Hannah used to work here until she was let go.

Don't know if you care to explain to your wife the reason behind that.

Bro.

I simply adore your costumes.

I simply adore yours.

Wonderful.

Gertrude Armitage.

My ex-husband went to school with Grayson.

Did he now?

This is my second husband. This is Felix.

Hello. Lady Wadsworth, and this is my first husband...

- Um... - Richmond Wadsworth.

She forgot my name.

Please forgive me. I was already thinking of

who I would like my second husband to be. Perhaps Felix.

Ooh! I'm gonna keep you two apart.

Grayson!

Felix, hello there.

You simply must meet our charming new guests.

Well, charming, I'm afraid I can't argue with,

but we are anything but new.

Yes, because we are dead.

- Yeah. - Well...

I just love the fact that you have decided to dress

as our beloved ancestors.

It's charming. Simply charming.

And may I introduce my wife.

- Lydia. - Charmed.

I'm charmed too.

The hem of your dress is filthy.

And who is this charming little rascal?

Don't mind Mother. She's not of sound mind, I'm afraid.

Sounder mind than you, rummy.

Mother. Please.

If you'll excuse us,

I think she just may need a breath of fresh air.

- Yes. - Come along, Mama.

So nice catching up with you.

Is that the accent you're going with?

- No good? - It's awful.

- Really? - It's so bad.

Attention! Your attention, please.

As most of you know, my name is Edna Smythe.

Please. Save your applause until the end.

Now, as vice chairwoman of the SPS,

I feel fortunate to introduce one of the earliest inhabitants

of this stunning domicile.

But before I do, I'd like to say a few words about...

Just "Wadsworth."

"Wadsworth."

- My God. - "My God."

You gonna do my Airbnb joke?

- I don't think so. - I think that's a mistake.

I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm gonna lose my job.

...of the glorious historical legacy of Savannah.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lord Richmond Wadsworth.

Thank you! What a wonderful introduction.

Thank you kindly.

It is an honor to be back here for this most auspicious occasion.

But it is not I to whom this house

owes its rightful place among Savannah notoriety.

In 1865, General Sherman and his troops,

while they held my wife hostage at gunpoint,

and this is after they savagely marauded and pillaged their way across Georgia.

Too bad they didn't just use Airbnb.

So now, may I present my lovely wife, the Lady Elizabeth Wadsworth.

Shit.

Thank you kind citizens of Savannah.

I'd like to thank my husband for that kind introduction,

even though, truth be told, he wasn't always the kindest husband.

For one thing, he murdered me.

So...

What... what did she say?

What I said was your relative murdered me.

I'm pretty sure he did, anyway. But I am definitely sure of one thing.

This house, known as Wadsworth Manor,

was, in fact, not left to the Wadsworth's at all.

It was left to the family of my friend, Josephine Pipkin.

Snap.

Dear? Whatever is she talking about?

Okay, enough! This is crazy.

I know this lady, and she's no lady!

There are cameras everywhere, idiot. Don't do something stupid.

I recently came into possession of the original will, my will,

which I found had been doctored.

Sadly, that will was destroyed

because of a clumsy miscalculation on my part.

I tried to, It's a long story. It's not important.

But I do have here my diary.

Here. My diary.

Jesus Christ.

Which can easily be authenticated.

"The hat. Now my hat, once a symbol of Southern aggression,

I hereby proclaim anew as a symbol of Southern hospitality

and fellowship to all persons be they rich or poor, White or Black.

And I further declare whosoever possesses this hat

"to be the rightful owner of the manor in which it should forever rest."

- My dear, my dear, my dear. - Yeah.

I do admire your dedication to this matter.

- Thank you. - But that hat has been in the possession

of my family for generations now.

So, if we could get on with the festivities.

Marcus, would you escort the young lady from the stage please. Madam?

- Just one minute, sir. - Marcus! Do your job!

Wait! Wait! I can explain!

Nia. Nia Pipkin, will you please come up here?

Now, Nia, what did your great-great-lots- of-greats-grandmother

always sew in everything that she owned?

Her initials.

- Her initials. - So?

Josephine Zelda, it is not just the name of a legendary video game, sir...

- What is she talking about? - Pipkin. JZP.

Sewn into every dress, every pair of socks and every hat that she owned.

Darling, your cane?

You sure about this?

Everybody, please stand back.

And the truth shall reveal itself.

What is she doing?

Okay. I'm just gonna... just...

Fucker.

Okay. God.

Okay!

My God.

All right.

Sorry about that.

As I said, the truth shall reveal itself.

Show me "JZP."

Very exciting, wasn't it? Very exciting.

That was a wonderful performance. Just wonderful.

Okay. Let's go, psycho. Come on.

I don't get the big deal with that ugly old hat.

It used to be filthy. Like your dress.

What do you mean "it used to be filthy"?

It used to be filthy, yes,

until I took it and had it cleaned and had the old lining restored.

Okay.

Marcus, do your fucking job and get her outta here.

I don't think I work for you anymore.

What about the murder?

Right. My God. The-the murder. Yes.

Because I, Elizabeth, was unable to bear children,

my husband became increasingly agitated.

In fact, he became very abusive and, in short, he was quite a...

How would you say? Kind of a...

Dick.

Yes, thank you. A dick.

"I fear Richmond, perhaps in an intoxicated state,

of which he is increasingly prone to being in,

may come to do me harm."

That was one of the lady's last diary entries.

She died one week later of injuries sustained

from a fall, you guys.

Friends, ladies and gentlemen, please, please.

Tonight marks the launch of my campaign for mayor of Savannah.

And as mayor, one of my chief goals is to promote justice

for all of Savannah's citizens.

In light of the information and evidence presented here tonight,

I do hereby bequeath this house...

Did he just say "queef"?

...and all the contents herein

to its rightful heirs, and my dear friends,

- Nia and Marcus Pipkin. - This is retarded bullshit!

So, ladies and gentlemen... Son...

Would you all kindly raise your glasses and join me in a toast.

To Pipkin Manor.

Wonderful! Mama, drinks in the bar.

She's gone?

Yeah.

It's a good thing.

Thanks to you, she's not stuck here anymore.

- And thanks to you. - Yeah.

How's everybody doing today?

- Everyone all right? - Yeah.

Awesome.

Shit. I overslept.

Come on. Five more minutes.

- I would love to, but I can't. - Okay.

- Five minutes. Four minutes. - Jesus.

Knock 'em dead, lady.

Yeah, no problem.

My brother will reach out to you. Thank you.

Nia, I'm so sorry. We forgot to set the alarm.

Girl, you're fine.

- Have fun on the tour. - Thank you!

Well, the lady should be here any minute now.

And here she is now.

Thank you, Lord Pipkin.

I am your humble hostess,

Lady Elizabeth Daubmire.

I'd like to welcome you to Pipkin Manor.

Today you'll learn a bit about me,

but mostly I'll be telling you about this beautiful manor

and why it is so very, very special.

So, today's tour will begin where all good home tours should begin,

in the bar room.

Usually, I like to wait until the sun

has dipped below the banyan tree in our backyard

before I have my afternoon mint julep, but...

since-since y'all are here...

why don't you go on ahead with Lord Pipkin,

and, I'll see you in the lobby.

Well, come on, friends.

Come on in. Don't push.

There you go. Welcome to my home.

I'm so proud of you.

Wow! What are you doing here?

I just wanted to say hello.

It was my house, after all.

I don't quite know how to say this, but you don't have to be here.

Like, I'm good.

Looking for Hannah Daniels.

Okay. I'm Hannah Daniels. Can I help you, Officers?

Ma'am, you are under arrest for violating the Georgia penal code 147-b.

- What? What even is that? - Public flatulence.

Failure to register as a sex offender within 30 days.

- Hannah. - That's real?

Hannah, haven't I taught you that a lady never offends sexually?

I didn't. Shit.

- Language! - Sorry.

Okay, y'all. Let's-let's go on inside.

I'll be here when you get back!

Bye, Hannah!

♪ I used to wish I was never born ♪

♪ Now I don't "cause I found you ♪"

♪ It's really cool you like me too ♪

You don't need to be in character anymore. You already told me you're 19.

- "Tons of pubes." - I have tons of pubes, by the way.

I don't like this kid.

- You're laughing. - Sorry!

Cubed is my favorite way to eat meat.

I have a great teeth whitening team if you want to borrow them.

- It's more than one guy? - Yeah, it's a team.

Well, all right.

- That's bullshit, by the way. - What?

You're good at a lot of things. I think.

- Sorry. - Yeah. You're messing this up.

What's a good dildo shake position?

Keep in mind this is gonna be my Oscar clip, so...

- Yeah. "For your consideration." ” - We want it... Yeah.

- She's gone? - Yeah.

Well, most of her is gone.

But it's good. It's nice.

It's good. You know, she's not stuck anymore.

Yeah.

She's not all pent up anymore. She's been relieved.

- Just go away. - Okay.

Look. I've cracked the code.

And I've changed your flight.

You'll now take off at 4:00 p.I'm.

You'll connect in Dallas.

What the fuck is your problem?

- What's your problem? - Sorry. We're so close.

What do you mean? What's your problem?

Look, my uncle's friends with the DA. I talked to him.

They're dropping all the charges. No, they're not. Sorry.

Yeah, I think so. Maybe a little bounce. This would be fun.

- Okay. - Who is this man?

Well, if you must create wind from either the front or the back...

If you must...

If you must...

Look.

This is not me helping you, but you... Would you stop?

What? I'm acting in the scene.

So good. I'm sorry.

Yes. You and that word "Dick."

Sorry. It's my fault.

I guess I'll get a fresh squeezed tangerine juice.

But no pulp.

I guess I'll just have a Cajun-spice Bloody Mary,

but don't crowd it up with all those celery stalks and bullshit.

I guess I'll just take a green tea matcha latte,

but with cow milk!

None of that vegan bullshit.

Then I'll just get a mint chocolate-chip milkshake, but no chips.

Then I'm getting a bikini wax at 3:00.

Well, thank God. I had a whisker rash for four days.

I wasn't able to do campaign.

Brian, can you start closer to this camera?

I guess that'll never make the cut.

I don't think so.