Original subtitles

You startled me!

We need to speak on something.

You didn't buy bread, did you, Richmond?

I think it is woeful how we have abandoned

the old, respectable mode of yeast brewing.

But it is not your place to think.

- Not in my house. - Our house.

You're my wife.

So in the eyes of the law, the house is mine.

Well, the law abides by the will of the estate.

A will my father quite deliberately crafted.

Now, I don't wish to play these vulgar games of ownership with you.

It vexes me. I'm now quite vexed.

You don't think I'm vexed?

Then why indulge in these vexing matters?

So what really did happen on that fateful day?

Was it an accident? Her husband claimed she tripped,

but her friends say she was anything but a klutz.

Could alcohol have played a role in her demise?

Perhaps one too many mint juleps for the lady.

The answers to these questions might lie with the housekeeper.

Or they might be buried six feet underground. Who can say?

What are you doing up so early?

There's a Masters of Murder marathon on.

Did you finish all the bread?

There was only one slice left.

I wanted to make a sandwich.

It's breakfast. What do you want a sandwich for?

For lunch. To take to work.

- You know that thing that adults go to? - I have a job, dick.

That's right. You're a... You're a drug dealer. I almost forgot.

I'm not a drug dealer, okay? I'm a drug deliverer.

Big difference.

There is a big difference.

I don't do the deals. I just deliver the product.

Well, one day, if you play your cards right,

maybe you can become an actual dealer.

Every kid's dream.

You're an asshole.

I love you too, honey.

Have a great day. Enjoy your high!

I will!

- "Enjoy the high!" - She was out of control.

That's what people were saying about her after she died.

That story that came out in the press was not... It was not accurate.

So what was the truth? What was accurate?

Will we ever know? Stay tuned to find out.

Shit.

Next on Masters of Murder...

♪ Don't think twice ♪

♪ Although we'd never make it Tonight I'm gonna fake it ♪

♪ Only for tonight ♪

I have to get my roots done at 2:15. Where the hell is that idiot?

Honey. I don't know.

So what's this all about? Are you guys finally getting a divorce?

Your father has something he wants to tell you.

Shortly, I shall be announcing my candidacy for mayor of Savannah.

- Cool. Good luck. - Sit down.

Son, I know how much you enjoy doing absolutely nothing with your life

and spending your allowance on God-knows-what or God-knows-who.

Are you accusing me of fucking prostitutes?

- Tanner! - No, I'm sorry, Mom,

but it's really insulting.

I would never pay for sex. Because I don't have to.

Would you shut your mouth? I was not talking about your sex life,

- which I have no doubt is quite robust. - Hell yeah.

In regards to my campaign, there are gonna have to be some changes made.

I will no longer have the time, nor quite frankly the energy,

to oversee the day-to-day operations of Wadsworth Manor.

That responsibility shall fall upon your shoulders.

Why can't Mom do it?

Your mother, bless her heart, will be joining me on the campaign.

Sorry to interrupt. Can I get you folks anything?

- No, thank you, Nia. - Okay.

Yeah, get me an iced pumpkin spice latte.

I'm sorry, sir. I don't think we have that.

Really? That's weird.

Well, then I guess I'll just get a mango smoothie.

But not too sweet.

Bring him a water, Nia.

- Of course, ma'am. - Thank you, Nia.

Hey, why doesn't she do it?

- Who? - The lady that works here.

The one that won't make me a good drink.

Nia is already staff manager.

She has been for years.

There needs to be someone in charge of the entire operation.

To oversee everything.

I just don't think I have time to take on another job.

And what do you mean, "another job"?

Me and Preston and Chaz are working on developing an app.

And what does this app do?

It, like, gives you rides places.

Like Uber?

Yeah, kinda. But with sicker cars. And like super-hot drivers.

Well, I'm afraid your app

is going to have to be put on the back burner for a little while.

I think I'm gonna have to say no, Dad.

Well, then I'm gonna have to say since Wadsworth Manor is your inheritance,

you will be on your own financially from now on.

This is horseshit!

Nia will brief you on all the particulars.

And, son, this property has been in our family for over 180 years.

Don't you be the one to fuck it up. Darling.

Hey. Um, it's me.

Hey, come on in. Make yourself at home.

I'm making some sweet tea.

Come on in.

Hi.

Hello.

- That looks good. - It is.

- Is that, like, lemon? - Rainbow.

Rainbow. Cool.

Since I'm a kid, I love lollipops.

Um, hey, are your, like,

parents or siblings here, by any chance?

You wanna make sure I'm alone?

Yeah.

Wait, no. That sounds weird. I kinda...

- Get on the ground! - On your fucking knees!

You're under arrest for the solicitation of a minor.

What?

- Hands behind your back. - Um, okay.

- Okay. Okay. - You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

- You have the right to an attorney. - Wait...

If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.

- Not to interrupt... - With these rights in mind,

do you still wish to discuss the charges against you?

Yes. I certainly do. Um...

I'm so ticklish. Is this 72 Jackson Street?

No. It's 72 Jackson Avenue.

My God. See, this is so funny.

Well, maybe it's not so funny, but it's... That I can explain.

Solicitation of a minor with the intent to sell narcotics to said minor.

No, no, no, no. Um, okay.

Not to narc out my bosses,

but I work for a company called Lady Mary Jane.

And I was supposed to deliver that weed and, um, yeah,

that bag of edibles to 72 Jackson Street.

I'm not here for sex.

And even if I was here for sex,

I wouldn't want to do it with him.

How old is he? Is he like 12 or something?

I'm 19.

You're 197

That is just... Really?

- I'm an actor. - He doesn't even have pubes.

I have all the pubes. Tons of pubes.

- Like tons of pubes? - Tons.

That's not something to brag about, by the way.

Don't lick your lollipop right now.

He's like sexually harassing me for real.

Why don't you arrest this creep?

- He's just doing his job, ma'am. - What is wrong with you?

Doesn't even have to be acting anymore.

Todd! I'm so glad you're here.

You don't know the difference between street and avenue?

I was a little stoned.

- Shocking. - Todd.

I was arrested for soliciting sex from a kid today.

Please just be nice to me.

For a change.

Look, my uncle is friends with the DA. I talked to him.

- They're giving you a break. - That's amazing!

They're dropping all the drug charges.

All you have to do is register as a sex offender.

Yeah, right.

Do you know how lucky you are, Hannah?

This could've been way worse.

I sure hope you can get your shit together,

because this is... this is really fucking pathetic.

Wait. Are you breaking up with me?

Well, I can't introduce my parents to a sex offender.

Well...

I'm gonna go pack up your shit.

Well, you know what? Good.

I didn't want to meet them anyway.

What kind of people name their kid "Todd"?

Such a stupid name.

They sound like assholes actually.

I've been cheating on you.

With who?

With the mailman.

- Betty? - With the milkman.

- We don't have a milkman. - Fuck.

Bye, Hannah.

Now, upon the night that General Sherman

placed his prized hat into my grateful hands,

little did I know our home would forever become an integral part

of Savannah's rich and turbulent history.

Thank you. Thank you.

I would now be more than happy to answer any queries

you may have regarding our beloved manor.

Yeah. Did General Sherman place anything else into your grateful hands?

No, sir, he did not.

Thank you kindly.

Thank you. Have a good day.

Thank you so much. Bye-bye. Thank you.

Very impressive, milady.

Thank you, Mr. Wadsworth.

Please, "Mr. Wadsworth" is so stuffy and formal.

You can call me Tanner.

Wadsworth.

And...

- Thank you. - You earned it.

You sounded exactly like you were an old colonial lady or whatever.

It was really hot.

Thank you, sir.

Let's have dinner tonight. My treat.

Thank you, but...

Fine, we'll split the bill.

I am actually having dinner with my boyfriend tonight.

Cancel it.

I'm sorry, Mr. Wadsworth.

I'm sorry too.

- We're gonna have to let you go. - What?

Now please leaveth the premises-eths.

Then what'd she say?

Nothing. She was just literally like, "Fuck you."

- But she didn't say it. - Yeah.

- What a slut! - Total slut!

"I have a boyfriend who I love."

My God. It's my fiancée.

Sorry. Gotta blaze.

Hey, baby. I've been thinking about you too.

Now I have to register as a sex offender, which probably isn't going to be easy.

Like if registering your car at the DMZ or whatever is such a bitch,

can you imagine how much more of a bitch it's gonna be

to register as a sex offender?

You know, I hope it's harder.

If it is easier to register as a sex offender...

You know, I think I could be a stand-up comedian.

"What's the deal with registering as a sex offender?"

I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

I don't actually know 'cause I'm not, like, a real sex offender.

I was set up by this, like, adult kid actor.

This fruity little youthful narc.

I see.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you're really, really handsome.

If that fake kid today had looked like you?

Ooh, boy, like, throw the book at me.

Ooh!

Can I ask what you do?

Um, I used to be in the pharmaceutical business

and now I am self-unemployed.

You just passing through?

No, I live in Savannah.

- Where? - Where?

What, are you, like, a person who, like, asks a lot of questions?

I'm a person who would like to offer you a job.

- Fuck off. - I'm serious.

Do you have any acting experience, by any chance?

Um, yes, by some chance, I do.

I know. It's crazy.

I was in an acting play, Drugs Are For Slugs.

You've probably heard of it.

I played the main slug.

It was part of this, like, after-school program

for kids whose parents thought they might end up doing drugs.

So pretty good casting, if you ask me.

I knew you'd be perfect.

There's only one thing.

You'll have to live at Wadsworth Manor.

Okay.

So pretty much you'll be in charge

of maintaining the interior of Wadsworth Manor.

Laundry, light cleaning, things of that nature.

If you have any questions,

you can direct them towards myself or my brother, Marcus.

And of course you'll be in charge of leading the tours,

which start promptly at 9:30 every day.

Hey, sorry to interrupt. Nia, have you seen my toolbox?

I think I saw it in the garage. Check there.

Okay. Thanks.

Who is that sexy hunk of man meat?

That's Marcus. My brother.

Cool. Cool.

He seems smart. What's this?

This is a pretty dress.

Wow! Who makes this?

Yep. It is a JZP. I knew it.

This actually belonged to Lady Wadsworth's best friend in the entire world,

who just so happened to be my great-great-great grandmother,

Josephine Zelda Pipkin.

She sewed that into all her possessions, few as they were.

Zelda? This is probably a dumb question,

but she wasn't, by any chance,

named after the actual Legend of Zelda, was she?

Moving on.

This right here is the most prized possession of our Wadsworth Manor.

Sorry. This is my most prized possession, too, so...

When General William Tecumseh Sherman stayed here during the Civil War,

he was so charmed by Lady Wadsworth,

by her hospitality, graciousness and class,

he gave her his hat as a gift.

Shit.

Lady Wadsworth, that's the role I'm getting my hands on, right?

That's right.

And she was classy.

The absolute classiest.

Okay. I will make sure to do her justice.

Sorry.

I did have a few beers tonight.

Let me show you where you'll be staying.

- Okay. - Okay.

Here we are. The lady's bedroom.

My God!

Remember, this will be part of the tour,

so it's imperative that you keep it as the lady kept it.

Immaculate.

Wow, this is amazing!

- Shoes? - Um...

I don't know, I think they're Skechers.

You mean...

Excuse me.

Is there anything else I can get for you?

No. I think I'm good. Thank you so much.

Make sure you're well versed on the history of the manor by tomorrow.

There's a packet with all relevant information on the side table next to you.

Yep.

- Good night, Hannah. - Okay. Good night.

What?

"Wadsworth Manor, founded in 1840 by Jennings F. Daubmire,

is one of the oldest and most treasured historical homes... "

Fuck.

Hear ye, hear ye. My name is Lady Wadsworth,

but you can call me Nancy.

I built this house with my own two hands in the summer of 1855.

I know what you're all thinking.

Wow, that makes you super old!

Let me tell you my secret.

And this is, ye olde living room,

where they used to host parties and shit... And digs.

Shindigs.

Yes. A question. A little early for a question, but okay.

Sorry. I just... really quick. Um, what are you talking about?

I'm sorry, what?

Well, first of all, your name is Elizabeth, not Nancy.

This house was built in 1840, and not 1855.

It's literally right on the cover of the pamphlet.

And, um, this is definitely not called "ye olde living room"

because, well, that's-that's ridiculous.

So what-what are you talking about?

If you'll excuse me just for one minute. Please.

- Sorry. - Please.

- Okay. - Please.

What the fuck is your problem?

- What's my problem? - Yeah.

I'm sorry I was hoping for some facts on this tour.

I am giving you facts.

- No, you're not. - Fact after fact.

Not real facts. Not actual facts.

Well, what makes you so qualified to say that?

A PhD in American History from Harvard.

Yeah. What is going on? Do you even work here?

Look, I'm just trying not to get fired, okay? It's my first day.

I'm sorry. Just, I really need this job. Please?

I'm here with some students from my seminar.

It's a little weird. I was hoping they would learn something.

Screw it.

I'll catch 'em up later.

Thank you. You're so sweet.

- Sure. - Thank you.

Listen, if you ever want any actual facts...

Let me know.

Thank you. Just gonna tuck it right in here.

Okay. Yeah. No pockets.

- Thank you. - Sure.

Now where were we before we were interrupted?

Right, I was gonna show you ye olde den,

where they used to watch...

probably plays. Come on.

Right this way.

So, as Lady Wadsworth, um, as I always used to say,

"Ye don't have to go home, but ye can't stay here." Thank you.

Bravo!

My God.

- You were fantastic. - Was 1?

I couldn't tell the difference between you and Lady Wadsworth.

My God. That is so nice of you.

- Well, I'm a nice guy. - Yeah.

Let's celebrate tonight. What do you say?

Okay. Sure.

That's the right answer.

Sorry to bother you, but...

Don't worry. I'll clean it up before the next tour.

I'm trying to figure out what to wear. I got a hot date with our hunky boss.

- Lucky you. - What do you think about this?

You think Tanner will like this?

I really think the best thing is to just be a lady.

That way you can better serve the role of "the lady." You feel me?

Tanner's into classy ladies.

- Well... - I got you. I can do this.

My ex-roommate used to watch Downtown Abbey all the time, so...

I guess that's a good start.

- Hey, Nia? - Yes?

- Thank you. - Don't worry.

You're gonna do just fine here.

I like that dress.

Classy.

Thank you, Nia.

What?

My name is Tanner.

- Yeah. - Hi. I'm Addison,

and I'll be your waitress for the evening.

Can I start you off with some drinks?

Yes, indeed. I think I shall.

- Something classy, of course. - Would you like to look at our wine list?

Do you think I don't know my wines?

No. Not at all. I was just...

I'll peruse the list just to make sure the ones you got on it

are classy enough for me.

Very good. And for the gentleman?

Yeah, gimme a shot of Patron and a vod sodes.

A vodka soda.

- Yeesh. - Yeah.

They have got the most sick tasting fish here.

Ham cubes are fire.

They have ham cubes? Where?

- Yeah, you can't go wrong. - No.

I still can't believe you just, like, swooped into the bar and you were like,

"Hi, I'm hot, you want a job and a sick place to live?"

I know this isn't a classy thing to admit,

but I wasn't really on my way to join the circus like I said.

I had no real plan.

Yeah.

Well, maybe there's some way you can repay the favor.

My God. You're like a knight in shiny armor.

But hotter.

Well, you're pretty great too.

- Do you mean it? - I do.

That's so beautiful.

I mean, honestly, you're like a poet. But hotter.

I can't believe I get to live in your family's mansion.

Yeah, it's a pretty nice house, I guess.

"Nice house."

Yeah, and the Taj Mahal is just a "nice hall."

So what was it like growing up in that "nice house"?

I didn't live in that house.

It's more like a dusty old family museum.

But I get to sell it when my parents die, so that's cool.

Wow. That's awesome.

What do you say we head back there and, dust the bed,

if you know what I mean?

I'm pretty sure I do.

You're talking about sex, right?

Bingo.

Can I get you anything else?

Some coffee perhaps, ma'am?

- Why would I want coffee? - No.

- Hey, Adderall. - It's Addison.

I just wanted to let you know that I finished

the entire bottle of the strun... jun... junior.

So now who doesn't know their wines?

- Ha-ha. - Congratulations.

Thank you.

I outclassed the fuck outta her.

You're such a good drunk driver.

Thanks, I know.

Whoa. You kiss like a horse.

Yeah!

Let's do this.

Wait. Okay.

My God.

My God, you're so hot. Okay.

I'm just, um... I'm gonna go freshen up.

So just, real quick.

Wanna smoke?

Condoms, condoms.

Thank you, Jesus. I'll be right out!

You're great.

Eat your heart out, Todd. Dickhead.

Hi. You look comfortable.

Are you having a little nap?

My God, that's so cute.

Maybe little Tan-Tan needs a little wake-up call.

Is that a yes? Okay.

Great.

I just wanna make sure that this is consexual.

Sounds good to me.

Okay.

No!

What the fuck?

My God! Who are you?

No, poor depraved wench, the question is who are you?

I am the lady who lives in this room.

And that is my cock that you are blocking me from.

Now, who are you?

I am Lady Elizabeth Wadsworth, and I am afraid to tell you

I take umbrage with the despicable,

animalistic way you are behaving in my room!

Yeah. Okay, right. No, 'cause Tanner told me about you.

You had the job before me, right?

Had I ever the job you possess,

I shall think I would have long ago gone mad from syphilis. Or worse.

- You think I'm a prostitute? - I know you to be.

Grateful only that your customer seems to have saved himself

from whatever lusty madness with which you mean to inflict him.

Okay. You're nuts. What?

You quit 'cause you couldn't stand being around Tanner after he rejected you

and now you're stalking him but in character!

And I'm the mad one?

Hey, Tanner.

Seriously, wake up, okay?

"Cause your weird stalker is here,

and I don't feel like getting stabbed by a lunatic.

Hey.

Little known fact,

this is my favorite room in all of Wadsworth Manor.

Can anybody guess why? Yes. You, the natural brunette.

Because you love to read?

Wrong. Reading is for nerds.

I'm joking. So, over here we have...

Fuck!

That... Fuck. Fuck. That was to illustrate,

the fact that contrary to popular belief,

women of the time had the tongues of filthy sailors.

They really did.

It was very customary, for women to say "fuck"

and "shit" and even "cocktease."

"Pussy" was a very popular word of the day.

But, you know, "fuck" did not mean what it means today.

Right? It didn't mean that.

It actually meant a polite wink at a stranger.

So, in fact, right now, I am fucking all of you.

My God!

How dare you pose as me in my own house, spewing such filth!

Okay, um...

does everybody see this old-timey-looking lady right now?

- Hi. - Holy shit.

You are an abomination. A filthy tramp, you are.

- What did you call me? - I didn't call you anything.

Call... Call on me. I had so many gentleman callers...

- That is a lie! - ...calling upon me.

I was a faithfully married woman. You take your lies...

- Just one after the other. - ...and vacate this house at once.

Just gentleman caller after gentleman caller.

One after the other. In and out.

You should be ashamed speaking in such a crass manner.

- It is most unbecoming! - Okay. Now, that's the end of the tour.

That's it. Um, thank you for coming.

And, please come see us again soon.

Excuse me. Is that really the end of the tour?

You are a disgrace.

I am not listening to you, you obnoxious old asshole!

Sorry, ma'am, you were great.

What the {...

Come on in.

So many different theories that it wouldn't...

Sorry.

I didn't know you were busy with a lady.

This is my student, Jenny. Jenny, this is...

Hannah. Hi. I'm an actress. And a model sometimes.

- Hi. - Hi.

Okay. So I guess I'll, come back when you're not, um...

No. No! Jenny and I were just finishing up.

Hannah, so that-that would be perfect. You can do it.

- Thanks, Dr. Plumm. - Sure. I'll see you in class, Jenny.

- Hi. - Dr. Plumm?

- What? - Were you guys doing, like, role-playing?

Like doctor-patient shit? You are kinkier than I thought.

It's nothing inappropriate, I assure you.

Just regular office hours. I...

Honestly. Yeah. You can throw it away.

- Don't tell anyone about my office hours. - I won't.

That everyone has. All teachers have.

- It's just a student. - Yeah.

What can I... What can I help you with, Hannah?

Okay. So you say you're a doctor.

- Well, I am a doctor. - Okay.

Do you know anyone who can do an exorcism?

An exorcism?

What's this about?

Okay, so, I was giving a tour this morning,

and Lady Wadsworth was on it.

Like, the real Lady Wadsworth.

Like, she was a ghost, I think.

But not like a scary, like, ghost.

She was more like an old-fashioned bitch ghost.

Like all like stuffy and shit. Like, "Neh, neh, neh."

Super annoying and, like, yelling at me.

So now I need to try to get rid of her,

and I thought the easiest way to do that

would be to find someone who knows about, like, potions and spells and whatever,

like a doctor or a witch doctor or like a priest who can do an exorcism.

But not like an old weak priest.

I want, like, a hot, young, like, athletic priest

who can really take a beating.

So what do you think? Can you help me? Do you know anyone?

Forget it.

What... Wait, hold on. I'm sorry. Hold on.

Wait, wait, wait. I... You just caught me a little off guard

- coming in here talking about exorcisms. - Well...

So I don't really know much about this kinda thing.

- It's not my field. Um... - Sorry.

I do know that exorcisms only really work

if the spirit is possessing a living person.

So I don't think that would be your best bet.

Okay, well, thanks anyway.

Well, wait! Where are you going?

- What do you mean? I'm giving up. - Just like that?

Yeah. This is more effort than I've put into anything in a long time,

and I'm tired.

- You're tired already? - Yes!

Well, there might be some other things we can try.

Okay.

Um, Cynthia, cancel all my afternoon appointments.

Who's Cynthia?

That's my fake secretary.

I just told her to cancel all my fake appointments.

It's a joke. Yeah. It's funny.

Is that... Okay, now see...

Ask about ghosts. How to get rid of ghosts.

Think this will be that simple?

Yeah.

My God.

- It's all right. - Seriously?

It's fine.

Wow. It's really going.

♪ Pushing our way through the crowd ♪

♪ Wait, he said got the devil in his head ♪

I think I'm allergic to sage.

- Excuse me. - It's okay.

♪ And kick the devil out the door ♪

♪ And watch him walk away like a prince ♪

♪ Once again he's original as sin ♪

♪ But there ain't nowhere to run I got the evidence ♪

"Clean my roon."

What's a "roon"?

Well, I'm-I'm guessing she meant "room," with an "I'm."

I think that's a leap.

How do you know she didn't mean "clean your roop"?

What's a "roop"?

Exactly.

♪ Once again he's original as sin ♪

♪ But there ain't nowhere to run I got the evidence ♪

♪ We still got far to go ♪

♪ But there's plenty of time And we're watching for the signs ♪

Whoa.

What are you, a 13-year-old boy?

These are from the '80s.

It was my favorite era of D. I'm old school.

- Your favorite era of "D"? - Yeah. My favorite.

So keep in mind, these are classics that I'm throwing out right now.

Whoa! Jesus.

See? Old school. I call this one my Tom Selleck.

Why? Yeah.

♪ Once again he's original as sin ♪

I am keeping Judd Nelson. Okay?

We've been through too much together.

I wonder why I'm the only one who can see her.

Well, I don't know. You know, I think when a spirit is stuck in limbo,

it means that they-they need something.

Like something's been left unfulfilled or unsolved or something.

Then why me? Why isn't she bugging anyone else?

Maybe you're the only one who can get her what she wants.

Hey! Is this what you want? Is this okay? Clean enough for you?

- Pretty clean. - It's very clean.

I've never seen so many dildos before.

Even in like a dildo store.

You've been to a dildo store?

- Yeah. Yeah, lots of them. - Lots?

Yeah. Well, I-I don't really buy anything.

I just peruse the aisles, you know. I find it very calming.

Yeah.

I'm just kidding. Obviously.

You know, I can't believe I'm saying this.

All this exorcising really worked up my appetite.

What-what are you doing for dinner? You have plans?

Sorry, I-I kinda just made plans.

- Yeah. Okay. - Yeah.

That's all right. Um, I'm gonna... I'm gonna head out.

- Okay. Yeah. Another time. - Yeah. Okay, good.

- Yeah. - Good, good.

- Sorry. - No. No, no.

Have fun, with your plans, and I'll-I'll see you.

- Okay. - Okay.

- What's up, bro? - Nothing. Bro.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

Did you just call me "bro"?

Well, yeah, but you called me bro, so I thought it was cool.

It's cool for me, not for you.

- Okay, bro? - Okay. Sorry.

Yeah, you are.

Dick.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

Knock, knock. I got your cock, cock.

I'm just kidding.

Ha. Good one.

- Hey. - Hey.

Let me see that smile.

- There it is. There it is. - Yeah.

- One second. - What's wrong, baby?

Nothing.

What do you do exactly?

You serious?

Yeah.

Like I just realized I don't really know anything about you,

like, what you do for a living or anything.

I don't know. I do lots of stuff.

Like with my family business.

Cool. Like-like what?

Like I run family business or whatever.

Sure. Okay.

For shame!

I would never play with the carnal emotions of a man

in such a childish manner.

Yeah, well, get it through your thick, translucent ghost brain,

I am not you.

- What? - Nothing.

If you do not wish to engage in these debaucherous activities,

then simply extricate yourself from his presence.

He's clearly not in a sober state of mind.

- It's not that easy. - No shit. Can you help?

A lady should be neither a trollop nor a tease.

Yet somehow you succeed in being both.

I can't do this.

Dude, are you serious? What the fuck?

Yeah. I'm so sorry, um...

I have diarrhea.

Well, I guess we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it.

Okay. Yeah, we've come to it.

So you should probably go.

Fine.

Wait. Where are you going?

To jerk off in your bathroom.

I can't drive home like this.

I cannot believe you would let him...

...defile himself in the sanctity of my powder room!

Who cares? It's a bathroom.

I'm sure you've done plenty of unsanctimoni-bous things in there.

A lady does not indulge in the scatological particulars

of her daily routine.

Why not? It's natural.

Not everything in nature needs to be indulged in. Onanism, for one.

What is that?

The spilling of one's seed.

The act of self-arousal just for one's own pleasure.

My God. What is wrong with pleasure?

There's nothing wrong with pleasure.

I myself have experienced many pleasures in my lifetime.

- Baking. - Easy...

Taking walks.

Writing in my journal.

Journal. Wow.

Should be some good stuff in here, I bet. Look out, "Penthouse Forum."

My God. That was fast.

What can I say, you turn me on.

Um, I'm sorry about that...

Good luck with your shits.

Good riddance!

Being so close to that wantonly spilled seed is making me uncomfortable

so I will take my leave as well.

Wait a minute. Hey!

Don't just leave the door closed in my face!

I'm talking to you!

Your anger is not warranted.

If anything, I should be the one angry at you

for shamelessly and so inaccurately impersonating me.

Okay. Let me explain something to you.

I am not pretending to be you. Okay?

I was hired as a tour guide for this house.

It's not your house anymore, but people know you used to live here,

so as part of the tour, I dress as you and I act like you.

Okay?

- Do you get it? - Well, I think you are a disgrace,

and I won't have people thinking I behave like you,

a common miscreant.

Hey! I am not a miscreant. I don't think.

And can you just stay the hell out of my room?

Okay. Stay outta my room too, please.

Not you... Not you, Marcus.

It's...

I have a proposition for you.

If you insist on pretending to be me,

for whatever reason you have concocted in your mad, syphilitic mind...

My God, for the last time, I don't have syphilis.

Then |I insist that you do so properly, with dignity and, dare I say, respectably.

In other words, will you allow me to teach you how to act like a lady?

I am a lady!

Fine. No. Don't disappear into the floor or whatever.

I... Okay. I'll do it.

Just give me some space and please, please stop cock-blocking me.

Cock. Blocking?

Just-just let me do me.

- Do you? - Just...

Let me do some things that are not necessarily ladylike from time to time,

in my room.

All right. If you will allow yourself to be taken under my tutelage,

then I suppose I could look the other way

if you would like to occasionally indulge in a second mint julep.

- Thank you. - Or have a spot of morphine or cocaine.

Geez, calm down.

Well, one never knows when one will be taken by the vapors,

especially in this powerful afternoon heat of these Savannah summers.

- Right. Right. - Yes.