All language subtitles for Archer.2009.S12E02.

Ugh. So we're just walking
to the plane here?

Where is it?
In the 1950s?

I think it's romantic.

And hiking is
a romantic version

of being a starving caveman,

but it's all walking,
and therefore dumb.

Surprise team‐building trip

from our generous
new financial backer!

- Ugh. Don't remind me.
- Oh, come on.

You're just mad that
our generous new financial backer

- is also your husband...
- Ya think?

Thereby obliterating
any division

between your work life
and your personal life,

and radically destabilizing
your relationship.

Ya... think?

- I do think.
- So where do you think

Robert's taking us
for team building?

Probably some godforsaken
place with more militias

than total teeth.

I'm thinking Idaho.

Or maybe hell.

What's the difference?

Like your backwoods‐ass
can talk.

Yeah.
Your family tree is a circle.

I told you that
in confidence!

Whoa. Wow.

What kind of
moonshine‐fueled hoedown

you got going on
in your bloodstream right now?

I hate boring‐ass flights,
team‐building,

and most of all,
a third thing I just forgot.

So between
the four Bloody Mary's

and the sleeping pills,

Mr. Sandman is coming.

- Hey, guys!
- Wow.

I chartered this beauty
for our team‐building retreat.

And that's when she called
the divorce lawyer.

Just kidding.

It cost a lot
to bring this out of storage,

but as your new CFO,

it was worth it
to see the looks on your faces.

We're going to Paris

on that!

The Goldhawk.

If aeronautical engineering
is an art,

this is the Mona Lisa.

Two floors
of airborne luxury.

Relax in our
sauna‐massage area.

Drop your pet
at our dog hotel.

Or enjoy our casino.

But a quick note
for our return guests.

The pan‐gender brothel has been
closed for legal reasons.

Enjoy your flight

on the Goldhawk.

Boo!

I just found out about that
and I already miss it.

I can't fall asleep
and miss this.

Y'all gotta keep me
awake.

Don't worry.

I won't let the soft,
velvety embrace of oblivion

caress your mind.

Drifting, drifting...

Oh, my God!

- We're going down!
- Ah! Come on!

Why are you Satan?

Better to rule in hell
than serve in heaven.

How much money
did you waste?

There's no cost too great
to strengthen relationships

and reward the efforts
of my new work family.

Slash real family.

I've been talking with
the Cloudbeam marketing folks.

And I hired them.

We're rebranding
as a force for good,

humane causes
like the environment.

The Spies with Soul!

You know, maybe we should
listen to Robert.

- What?
- What?

Look, when you consider
the rivers of shit

we've been navigating,

the fact that we saved
the world and no one noticed,

and the festering sinkhole
of our finances,

maybe it's time
for something new.

Thank you for keeping
an open mind, Archer.

And if that means suffering

through a luxury flight
to Paris,

I'll take that high‐end
whiskey‐flavored bullet.

May I?

Cheers to finally taking
the break I deserve.

All right!

This is a hijacking!

Everyone remain calm!

Come on.
Get in there. Go.

Uh, they probably
don't mean that calm.

Main title theme...

*ARCHER (2009)*
Season 12 Episode 02

Episode Title: "Lowjacked"
Aired on: August 25, 2021.

Sync corrections by srjanapala

Don't even
think about it.

Um,
is that plastic?

Why is it lukewarm?

It's 3-D‐printed,
man,

and recyclable.

We don't wanna add
more plastic to landfills.

Just bodies.

So you don't compost?

Well, I ordered
one of the tubs,

but the shipping got
all messed up.

Okay, everyone,
these are Fisher‐Price weapons.

We have nothing
to worry about.

You actually have loads
to worry about, dude.

The environment is falling to
shit

and you're all
at fault!

I recycle.

$3 ties from Goodwill
don't count, Cyril.

Climate change is

a civilization‐threatening
problem!

In like a thousand years.

Siberia had multiple days

over 100 degrees this year.

Siberia?
Like Siberia, Siberia?

Shit. Someone should
do something about that.

I know.

Hey, little piggies,
listen up!

We're gonna need each of you
to transfer $1 million

to an offshore account,

which we're then gonna use
to further the earth's cause!

Oh, absolutely.

But, uh, maybe buy
some actual shoes first,

and probably a toe‐shaver,
Bilbo.

Ow. Worth it.

Hey, go secure
the upper level.

A‐all right, nobody panic
and nobody gets hurt.

Hey...

Block it.

Whatever you can find.

And now,
we set it on fire.

We're on a plane.
Where would we go?

You just said it.
We're on a plane.

We could fly anywhere.

If your brain were a drug,
I'd snort the shit out of it.

Welp, I guess
there's only one thing to do.

- Break into the cockpit...
- Experience everything good...

- on this level before it's too late for us.
- Re‐wire the control panel into a weapon

and... what?

I'm talking first
we hit the grill... meat fix.

Then we rake up a fortune
at the slots and blackjack.

Then get absolutely blitzed.

- But what about the hijackers?
- Ugh!

Is that still going on?

Look, either they kill us,

law enforcement storms
the plane and they kill us,

or everything works out fine.

But in all those cases,
isn't it better

if we experience as much
as we can while we can?

Hell yeah!
My new best friend.

Welcome to
the Republic of Pamistan

where the only rule is...

ungh, ungh...

screw the rules!

And anything else
you can get your hands on.

Huh. Why not?

When are we ever gonna be
on a plane like this again?

Speak for yourself.
My family has season tickets.

For the plane?

And when is flying season?

You can't keep a bunch
of people hostage

if you're not...
keeping them hostage.

And don't hijackers usually
wait

until the plane is in the sky?

Where, historically,
there are fewer SWAT teams?

Well, they lock the doors
to the cockpit

once the pilots are in and...

You don't know how to breach
that because you're amateurs.

- Wow.
- Shut up.

Why would I listen
to a captive?

Well, you're kind of
at the point of no return here.

Pretty soon, you'll have
to start shooting people,

and I don't think
you want that,

other than maybe that guy.

Oh, yeah?

Well, every fish you eat
is loaded

with plastic micro‐beads
from face soap!

Kind of getting
a last scene of "Scarface" vibe

from this guy.
But with gluten‐free cocaine.

Okay.
What's your suggestion?

Well, anytime you need to
make an example out of someone,

maybe knock this guy around
a little bit.

I don't know.

It feels like clubbing
a baby seal.

I'd hate to hit him
if he doesn't deserve it.

That's the point.

If he gets hit,
it could happen to anyone else.

And
let me tell you a secret.

He's secretly a masochist.

Gets a lot of pleasure
from being beaten up.

He loves it.
Can't get enough of it.

You'd be doing
this guy a favor.

All right.
That's a load off my mind.

Yeah.
Mine too.

Things have calmed down
a bit outside.

We'll be fine in here
until we figure out a plan.

Ugh!
Smells like a kennel in here.

I can't believe this.

Robert,
this was such a bad idea.

I was supposed to somehow
predict that we'd be hijacked?

No.
It's just working with you

just makes everything
so complicated.

I would have known
that's how you felt

if you had talked to me
instead of hanging up on me.

Now, take a deep breath

and feel the gratitude
for your surroundings.

Would you turn that off?

Goddamnit.

Cyril.
Hey, Cyril, take this.

W‐why do I need an earpiece?
Where are you going?

I need you to be useful
for the first time

in your entire life,
Cyril.

When I make my move,
you have to be my eyes and ears.

Why?
What are you doing?

I feel like this is
one of those situations

where it plays out better
if we don't get violent

and just submit
to their guidance.

Hey, Chatty Cathy,
no talking!

Yeah. That's right.

Anyone else gets out of line,
they're next.

- Hey, thanks.
- Hey, my pleasure.

Just keep them under control
and we can get outta here

without anyone
getting too hurt,

other than Cyril,
which hardly counts.

Don't you dare open
that single‐use plastic bottle!

Trust me,
I don't like drinking water

that isn't alkaline either,

but you all have truly
pushed me over the edge.

Ow! Hot damn it!

Well, at least you had
a good reason.

God, Ray's gonna be so pissed

when he finds out
he missed this.

And now I'll get
an allergic reaction

from this fake croc‐skin belt?

Who knows which is gonna
kill me first?

Thank you,

but also,
what the hell are you doing?

Stopping the poisoning
of the earth

is worth a little blood!

Plus, you told us
to keep control!

Does this look controlled
to you?

You tell me.

Damn it.

It's possible
that recycled guns

weren't the best move.

They're not recycled.
They're recyclable!

Okay, Cyril, can you hear me?

- Yes!
- Quiet!

Damn it.

Oh, man.
I knew that would happen.

I'm so mad
I missed it.

All right, you can't let them
know you're talking to me,

but you've got to be my eyes
in the passenger cabin.

I'm heading low,
and if my guess is right,

Pam and Krieger
are cooking up something good

on the upper level.

Look, they don't know
what they're talking about.

You got to follow
your dream, man.

- What is it?
- Slam poetry.

Oh, man.

Forget I said
any of that shit.

Might I remind you,

there is still
a hostage crisis downstairs.

Oh, no!

Does that affect
how the grill works?

Uh...
no, ma'am.

Okay, Cyril, I seem to have
reached the cargo hold,

but it will be impossible
to find our bags.

So I'll just steal
all the jewelry from these

and then retire.

Probably alphabetical.

Damn it.
You ruin everything.

I still can't believe
they made Krieger

check the new tacticane,
but these assholes can bring

an endless supply
of plastic guns on board.

I love crosswords.

What was the clue
for alphabetical again?

Oh, yeah.
It was a tough one.

Having to do with the...
alphabet?

Yes. Flight 4643 Goldhawk.

This is Flight Attendant
Eryn.

It's for you.
It's the hostage negotiator.

Don't worry.
They'll slow‐play this.

- Hell...
- Okay. Shut up.

All right?
I don't care who you are.

I don't care what you want.
Right now, I am smiling.

I'm giving my boss the thumbs‐up
like things are going great.

But when push immediately
comes to shove,

we are gonna come in there
and kill you all.

And if a few hostages get hit,
them's the brakes.

And I am gonna like it!

Then tomorrow, I'm gonna go
looking for your families,

your friends,
and your pets.

So enjoy your last
moments on earth,

you barely human scum!

So...

how's the divorce going?

Okay, time to accelerate.

We have to find
Target One now.

There was a passenger
acting weird.

I bet
he knows something.

And he's gone!

He definitely knows
something!

Okay, fan out!

Remember
this is Target Alpha.

- Uh‐oh.
- Oh, well then, problem solved.

Considering he didn't even
tell me

about purchasing the company
in the first place...

I called you
to talk about it.

I was
on a mission.

Your job was in jeopardy
of being taken away.

I just wanted to help for
the betterment of our family.

Yes, but now you run the
company that pays me, Robert.

We run a business.

Oh‐ho, sure.
Right into the ground.

We saved
the world.

Fat lot of good it did you.

Before I bought the place,

I saw you mix
tequila and vodka

out of the bottom
of two plastic bottles.

Oh, shut up.

Whatever you're doing,
please do it faster.

It's getting pretty hairy.

Archer, did they get you?

Yeah. It's, uh...

it's pretty hairy
here too, Cyril.

Just hang tight.

Well, it sounds like
they're really

on the hunt for Robert
and his cash.

How rich could this guy be?

I mean, he had the spare
change to buy the entire agency

as what was probably
a favor to Lana.

There's no way
our shitty little

mom and pop agency
cost that much.

Well, when was the last time
you bought a drink

without expensing it?

Uh, I wanna say... high school?

Ow.

Ah. Oh.

Hey.

I was just, uh,
looking for my, uh...

No.

Well, did you find it?

Cyril? Cyril?

Ah, you idiot.

Hey, come here.
That's a good boy.

You guys be good
till I get back, okay?

Love you guys.

Psst!
Stewardess.

Hey, I‐is there any way
to get to the top floor

other than the stairs?

Also, we're probably gonna die
in 10 minutes,

so what do you think?

Hey, you sicko.
Where's the bald guy?

Robert.
I‐I mean, who?

I don't know.

Ah.

Nope,
that didn't help.

Enough with the games!

Every moment
I don't shoot one of you

is another dead whale!

Uh, that doesn't
make any sense.

Neither does talking
right then.

So now you're gonna transfer
$1 million into our account!

Hey, I got to tell you
that's the first time

that line worked for me.

And I've tried it
a bunch.

By the way,
I'm a flight attendant,

not a stewardess.

Definitely the priority
right now.

Okay, Flight Attendant,

can you show me the way
to the second floor?

Well, you sure know your way
around a shaft.

Wait.
No, I'm sorry.

That was coarse.
I apologize.

Hmm.
Looks like a tight fit.

Damn it.
That one's better.

I think there's a whole lot
you're not telling me.

First, I don't know
about the agency.

What's next?

You guys
should really be quiet.

Good point.

What's next is
you're fighting with me

because I wanna
have a baby with you

and you won't
talk about it.

Robert,
they're looking for you.

You never wanna talk
about it.

You like to run around
saving the world,

when I want to build
a world of our own.

But you keep pretending
you're not a mother.

And with two kids,
that would be twice as hard.

He's in there.

You know that grater thing
that servants use

for grating nutmeg?

Do you ever wanna just use that
on someone's nipples?

Just really go to town?

I don't like that town.

Oh, my God.

I had 8 shots and 12 steaks.

And it was
such a good idea.

- What the shit?
- Pfft. Wait.

Have you been there
the whole time?

Because if so,
all that shit I was talking

was about a different Archer

who does all the same shit
you do.

Guys,
the hijackers have Robert.

Apparently,
their whole objective

was just to drain
his bank account.

Wait.
How do you know all that?

Well, I gave the
Flight Attendant an earpiece.

After we had sex.

- Aw, come on, dude.
- Oh, come on. That is bad.

Tell me about it.

I can't believe they didn't
wanna use me as a hostage.

Like, am I not rich enough
for them?

Does that make me
any less of a person?

Like, less than
you are currently?

Also, you're really rich.

Your family
owns six islands,

and the private
prison‐slash‐hunting preserves

on those islands.

Aww, thanks guys.
You're right.

I am worthy
of being horribly harmed

and discarded
by bad people.

Guys, if we could get back
to the hostage situation,

- that's ongoing...
- Wish I could, bud,

but here in Pamistan,
we rise above it.

- No rules.
- Right.

And I'm about to prove you
all wrong about slam poetry.

Fine.
We'll do it.

Wait,
I have the perfect line.

Let's compost
these turds.

And that was it?

You dick.

- You don't have to do this.
- Enough!

Just shut up
and pay up!

10 million bucks

or you won't be
as lucky as he was.

He doesn't look that lucky.

Okay. The transfer is done.

Wait, I'm not seeing
the transfer in our account.

You don't have to bully people
into giving you money

when you can just make
an effective case for change.

Okay.
But to be clear,

you just gave
a huge amount of money

to Citizens of
the World Environmental Group?

- What?
- Look,

in the heat of the moment,

we all say or do things

that hurt the things
we're trying to save.

But there's still a chance
for us to come together

and find a way to change.

Nice try!

But that's not
what I asked for.

Also, that seemed more
applicable to a relationship!

Where was that advice last year
when I needed it?

Release the hounds!

Come on!
Hit me with the cherries!

You know what?

This is kind of different
than I thought.

So I'm just gonna go...

Oh.

Maybe the recycled guns
do work.

- Archer, help!
- Shut up!

And why does the stewardess
know your name?

Her name isn't Stewardess,
Lana.

It's Flight Attendant.

- Really?
- What?

My stewardess line
finally worked.

- What can I say?
- Actually,

it's Eryn,
with a "y."

Shut up!
I'm gonna hurt this stewardess.

Now, you're just doing it
intentionally.

Uh‐uh.
I mean it.

I'm gonna hurt her
real bad.

Like, nasty bad
to make a point about,

you... you know,
all the stuff.

And then I'm gonna fly this
plane the hell out of here.

Come on, hurry up.

Ow.

What the hell
is happening around here?

Oh, my God.
Are we in Paris?

No,
but I see France.

Seriously?
How old are you?

Apparently not too old
to piss myself

laughing at your ass.

I don't need this.
Don't need it.

Screw you, Miranda!

And that judge that gave you
my sword collection.

Ahh!

I gotta go, guys.

Love you all.

Hey, you were actually
really brave back there.

You mean after you tried
to kill me?

Oh, come on.

I didn't try to kill you.
I just...

Aided and abetted.

But I should not
have said that.

It was the steam
and the stress...

And the hijackers.

Them too.

I really want us
to work.

I wanna share
everything with you.

But if you're not ready
for another baby, I understand.

Thank you, Robert.

But it's not gonna be easy

for me to forget
what you said.

Oh, absolutely.

"Doghouse: population me."

How are we gonna be
the Spies with Soul

when we just beat the snot
out of a bunch of tree‐huggers?

Oh, not to worry.

I made that donation
in the name of the agency.

Sure to cause
quite a bit of a splash.

Wow.
That was really smart.

And we do seem like
more of a team.

And all it took
was a hijacking.

Yes, but now that
I'm a few million in the hole

with you all,

we're gonna have to make
some changes around here.

So unless you suddenly find
a new source of funds,

you're going to be buying
your own drinks, mister.

Indefinitely.

What?

Made
in Georgia.