Original subtitles

Steve: Mom.

Mom. Psst!

[ Groans ] What is it, sweet pea?

I know it's before 6:00 and I'm a'sposed to stay asleep,

but could I play with a couple toys in my room

if I promise to be extra quiet?

[ Groans ]

Steve, we haven't had that rule since you were 3 years old.

Yes, but I still follow it independently.

Maybe just my Woodland Creatures Nesting set?

Sure, baby.

It has a mouse named Seymour.

Nuh, guh-way.

And there's a rabbit and an owl.

- And there's a bear. - Please, still dreaming.

- Can I play with him? - Sex with hot lady.

He sounds loud and mean, but I promise he's not.

Beach. Now she's an owl.

- Oh, good. - Why is she an owl?

He's actually -un-bear-ably cute. -Come back, hot lady.

Okay, that's that. I'm awake!

Steve, we're trying to sleep.

I know, Dad, that's why I was using my soft voice.

I hate your soft voice.

It reminds me everything about you is soft.

Stan, he's just a boy.

He can't be as hard as you.

Well, now I'm soft because he put an owl

into my dream about hot, filthy, porno-style ssss...

sandwiches!

Heard dad singing.

- That's my cue. - What are you doing?

Oh, I always sleep in here when you leave.

I feel like if I switch beds once a day,

I've really accomplished something.

It's a little productivity tip I got from Garfield.

Francine, are we sure these kids are mine?

100%.

With Steve.

And Hayley, y-y-yes.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good... ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Greg: The standoff between police

and the backwoods militia ended last night

in tragic, murderous fashion,

soaking our streets in blood,

and many now wonder who will clean those streets

before Langley's 6th Annual Bed Race!

Bed Race? Sounds like something my kids would be into.

Teams are already working around the clock

to prepare for this grueling event,

because those beds aren't for sleeping and dreaming.

They're for racing and winning.

Racing and winning?

That sounds like something you'd be into.

It does, and if I'm into it,

what's to stop me from forcing my kids to do it?

Child Services? Ha!

If they didn't take 'em away after the "alligator incident,"

I think it's pretty clear they ain't never comin'

for big daddy Stan's bouncin' bambinos.

Personal Trainer: Push through the burn!

Screw you! I hate your skank face.

I love you, let's work!

- Rogu can't. - Stay with it.

We can't let anything stop us from getting in shape.

[ Cellphone chimes ] Ooh, phone!

Aw, noyce, it's a Memphis Stormfront VIP

Advanced Weather Alert-gasm!

Whoa, there's gonna be an early

isolated snowstorm coming to Vermont.

I got to tell... Me!

Did you get the Alert-gasm?

Yeah, dude.

Someone's playin' with God's balls,

'cause he's spraying white gold all over Vermont.

Which means we get to do the one thing we bond over.

Both: Skiing!

[ Tires screech, horn honks ]

Buon dia, my fresh, chunky plow gobblers!

You three hang out?

Hell yeah! We do when it comes to...

Together: Skiing!

Whoa, how did you get up here?

I was excited. I jumped.

I've entered us in Langley Falls'

Bed Racing Extravaganza

to toughen you guys up, teach you about hard work.

Any questions?

Um, is this my mattress?

No, but it was almost Klaus'.

I was planning to turn him back into a human,

but that'll have to wait.

Oh, good, 'cause I just bought him

a 50-pound bag of fish flakes,

and it's the kind he doesn't like.

Okay, so let's talk design.

I've secured some ultra-light carbon fiber for the axle.

And what if we decorated it

with a princess bed canopy

and a chiffon furbelow?

- Ooh, that's nice. - Ooh.

Go back, go back.

Stop it!

We need to start thinking of this

as a racecar, not as a bed!

Maybe someone should tell her.

[ Snoring ]

[ Groans ] I can't be here right now.

I'm going to work.

Maybe clear my mind in the torture...

I mean, interrogation room.

Has anyone seen my iPad?

Is that it lying shattered on the ground?

And is that a 50-pound bag of Beefaroni fish food

that you know I don't like?

You guys don't respect me!

I should charge you like a bull!

- Do it. - Yeah, charge us.

Haaaa!

[ Steve yelping ] Oh, damn.

What is all this?

We're doing CRISPR.

The children's cereal?

That's Crispix.

And it's not just for children.

Successful scientists like it, too.

CRISPR is Clustered Regularly Interspaced Short

Palindromic Repeats.

That's nerd talk for improvising

a sax solo over a 2-5-1 change on your double helix.

And that was jazz talk for we're editing DNA.

Can I show him the video?!

Of course you can, little buddy.

I'm Dr. Dubs, and this is my ride.

Many diseases, like those carried by mosquitoes,

could be eradicated by changing

a single letter of incorrect DNA.

Think of genetic code as a text document

that describes a living thing.

CRISPR can target the part of the DNA causing a problem...

[ Buzzer]

...then take a mug shot of the defective gene...

And delivers it to a surgical protein.

What the hell?! This is my video!

Not anymore.

I'm friends with the editor, and he hates you.

It's like putting an APB out on a defective gene.

And voilà!

You've changed a living organism

and created a malaria-free mosquito.

Is this real? Does it work on people?

Sure does. Wait.

- Jackson? - In the flesh.

I always wanted to be a wooly mammoth,

and CRISPR made it happen.

And these two swear this is exactly how big they were.

So it works on people, you say?

And my children are people, you say?

And I can borrow this for the weekend, you say?

He's going to take it, that's pretty clear.

Let's just stand here

and enjoy the smell of giant corn and each other.

[ All breathe deeply ]

You know what my favorite kind of skis are?

Brew-skis!

Open wide, Lewis.

Wait, no! I'm six months sober!

You're a good friend.

Hey, Roger, you put those snow chains on the tires

when we pulled over back there, right?

On the tires?

But if I had done that, then I couldn't do...

this! I'm a ghooost!

Ooh![ Laughter ]

Jeff, get back in your lane!

Aah!

[ All scream ]

We could've died.

Yeah. And then we'd all be...

ghooosts![ Laughter ]

[ Jeff screams ] Ebenezer Scroooooge!

♪

Your DNA is ready for injection.

You may now play God.

Someone has to.

♪

Excuse me. Mind if I move in?

♪

Owww.

Pleased to meet you, one-fanged Dracula.

My name's Unicorntail Softbottom.

[ Groans ]

Steve, honey, what are you doing?

You may come to regret asking me that, Francine. Huh?

I started cleaning out my closet and spotted a few choice mags.

Decided to drop trou and fire off

a few mortar rounds of Dreamy Stevie's Thick and Creamy...

Steven Anita!

What is wrong with you?!

Wrong? I feel better than ever.

Uh, I forgot to go to the zoo today.

Hayley: Avoid Lisa's Dry-Cleaner's at all costs.

While I've never had anything dry-cleaned here,

the owner's attitude toward potential customers

needing to take a dump in the employee bathroom

shows me they more than deserve a one-star rating.

Oh, Francine, I need you to get the paperwork going

on a divorce with Jeff.

Time for me to do some big game hunting,

if you catch my drift.

What the...

[ Gasps ]

Eh, nothin' to watch on the tube.

We could always make whoopie, Al.

Peggy, I'd rather bang a bowl of beans.

[ Laughs ]

Stan, have you noticed that the kids are acting...

strange?

Probably 'cause I altered their DNA

so they're more like me.

What? Why?!

Look, I've tried to teach them to hack it in this world,

but I'm not getting through to 'em.

It's time I stopped blaming myself and start...

I don't remember you blaming yourself.

Exactly, 'cause that would've been a mistake

and I don't make mistakes.

It's not in my DNA,

and now it's not in theirs, either.

And to be honest, this town could use a few more Stans.

This town could use more Buffalo Wild Wings locations,

not this.

Francine, have you ever looked at someone

and just known they needed to get CRISPR'd?

Does CRISPR have anything to do

with that syringe you're holding?

No, this is liquid kisses.

Liquid kisses?! For me?

Peggy: Screw you, Al Bundy!

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Me too, guys.

Together: Quiet, fish!

Whoa, we're really on the same page.

Burt Bacharach seems like he should be dead by now.

Whoa!

Who...

Stan: Great parking spot, right, guys?

Hell yeah, and check this out, pops.

♪ A-ding-a-ding-a-ding

Together: ♪ Bring back those good old days ♪

♪ Those, those days

♪ We mean those days when the boys sang the melody ♪

[ Laughter ]

Could I have engineered a more perfect family?

My chin dropped.

Oh, mama.

Get over here.

Whoo, that is hot, -that is hot! -Yeah, yeah, yeah,

Yes, uh, can you guys keep it down and maybe leave?

We don't open until 5:00.

Then how did we get this pitcher of beer, Sally Mae?

I think it was the steak knife you held to Daniel's throat.

Did Daniel open his little bitch mouth?

I got this.

Whoa, come back here, hon.

I like the initiative, but let's all tone it down a notch.

Tone down my dick, Daddy.

Wow, walked right into that one.

We're... alive.

Oh, look.

The ski resort.

Oh, baby, Lewis needs soup in a bread bowl!

[ Rumbling ]

Shh! You'll cause an avalanche.

What are we gonna do?

I brought some cherry syrup,

so I'm sellin' snow cones.

Ooh, I'll take one of those.

Sure.

$1,000.

You rat.

[ Tools grinding, clanking ]

When did you guys do all this?

We've been working all night.

The race is this afternoon.

You guys have become real self-starters, just like me.

Like you?

You slept until what? 6:15?

You lazy sack of eggs.

[ Laughter ] Ouch.

I've never been on the business end

of the sack of eggs treatment.

Steve, were you gonna secure the valves on the flamethrower

or did you want it to leak out and kill us all?

Maybe I'll get on that after I secure my fist in your mouth.

Whoa! Son, that's no way to talk to your mother.

It's just a little trash talk, Dad.

You better grow a pair before the race.

Cup check!

It's 6:20 in the morning.

Cup check!

We already knew I didn't have one.

I don't get it.

My family has my DNA.

They should be acting like me,

but they're louder, cruder, and more judgmental.

Hey, your cup selection's pretty picked over.

You got anything in the back?

Oh, yeah, we keep all our inventory in the back

so customers can't see it,

and I get to field jack-off questions like yours!

- When did you get that chin? - Oh, this morning.

Kid came in here, stuck a needle in my neck,

and got everyone in his path on the way out.

Manager: Derek, are you helping this customer?

Oh, no! They've been CRISPRing people.

Man: What did you say to me?

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

Could be a coincidence.

♪ Good morning, USA!

They've CRISPR'd the whole town!

I only hope I have time to warn Chimdale.

You guys CRISPR'd the whole town!

Now we got a bunch of me's running around.

You're welcome.

No, something's gone wrong.

Everybody out there with my DNA is acting horribly.

That's not who I am.

Oh, then who are you, buttercup?

Yeah, who are you, buttercup?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

Knock, knock.

Who are you?

[ Laughter ]

What are you all even laughing at?

Screw this!

I need to be on an ATV right now.

We're going to the CIA to reverse this.

- But we're happy. - And we have a Bed Race to win.

Well, I'm thinking about putting the Bed Race

on the back burner for the moment.

That's loser talk, Dad,

and you know what we do to losers.

Take them to lunch and consider their ideas?

Close. Hold him down and fart on him.

Yeah, that sounds closer to what I'd do.

Oh, Stan, you're awake.

The family went crazy.

They were farting on you relentlessly.

Klaus, untie me.

Sorry, Stan, they'll kill me if I do.

I'll kill you if you don't.

Ooh, but the ropes, though.

But don't worry.

I'll give you "Plato's Republic" to keep you company,

read by Gilbert Gottfried.

Gottfried: A man does not give what is owed

in giving back gold

to someone who has deposited it!

[ All shivering ]

A-Ah-choo!

[ Rumbling ]

God bless you, you stupid idiot.

We're gonna freeze to death here.

I know we're afraid of starting an avalanche,

but we have to try something.

I have an idea.

If we can get out super quietly

and attach our skis to the wheels of the car,

I think we could ski this whole car down to the resort.

T-That might work.

We came here to ski.

Let's ski.

♪

[ Laughter ]

[ Rumbling ]

♪

Great work.

What do you say, boys?

Should we head down to the lodge?

Okay, here we go.

Picking up speed.

Got to dodge that tree.

Yeah! Alright!

100 yards. Better slow down.

Perfect stop.

What? I thought we were in the car.

Damn it. What do we do now?

Plan B.

Avalanche!

Roger, no!

Cold in here.

Stan, I found a half deck of cards.

We can't play any games,

but there are lots of face cards.

We could use them to put on a play.

Stan?

He's gone!

And he used my pocket knife to cut the ropes.

I knew he wasn't borrowing it for "oh, no reason."

They did what?!

They turned the whole town.

Is that why my Uber driver punched me in the dick?

- When was this? - Like a month ago.

Yeah, I think that's a separate issue.

But my family didn't turn just like me.

They turned into terrible versions of me.

That's because your personality

isn't determined purely by genetics.

There's nature and nurture.

I mean, you'd probably be terrible, too,

if you didn't have your kids and your wife to balance you out.

You mean my soft son and my lazy daughter

make me a better person?

No, your considerate son and your hot daughter.

What can we do?

Well, I think you should let them be themselves.

No, about this disaster!

I guess theoretically if we found someone

with the exact opposite DNA as you,

we could neutralize your cells.

Can you think of anyone that's your exact opposite?

Stan! You're right in time.

I made a bundt cake.

It's a beautiful day for

the 6th Annual Langley Falls Bed Race.

I'm here with last year's runner-up, Herman Lundy.

You're looking festive.

I'm gonna bathe in the blood of my enemies

and bring this trophy back to the rest of my co-workers

on the janitorial staff at Samuel Gompers Middle School!

As you can see, the vibe is a little different this year.

♪

[ Cheering ]

♪

[ Growls ]

♪

To the inside of the turn!

Go, go, go!

♪

This is awesome!

I'm so glad we made it!

Life is sweet!

Last jump of the day.

Get your sickest trick ready.

All: Ski trip!

360.

Extreme.

The avalanche must've buried them somewhere around here.

Wait, the dog found something.

Oh, but yeah, it's lunch.

Okay, try to remember this spot.

They're not going anywhere.

♪

On your left!

♪

[ All shout in slow motion ]

[ Cheering ]

♪

We're gonna win!

And then we're gonna burn this town to the ground!

What's with all the mosquitoes?

It's working.

The mosquitoes are biting everybody.

What the hell's going on?

♪

Hi, Stan!

Comin' in for a hug.

Get away from me!

Oh, man.

Can I sit here? No!

- Oh, hello, Stan. - What are you doing here?

- I made a bundt cake! - Leave me alone!

- May I have this dance? - Stop it!

♪

Slow down! This isn't safe!

Steve's a wimp again!

The hell?

[ All screaming ]

All: Huh?

Huh?

There's my family!

Each bringing your specific kind of magic

to this weird and wonderful world.

I'm sorry I changed you to be like me.

I'm not perfect, but with your help,

I am better than you,

and that's something we can all be proud of.

Hayley: Hey, man, can you keep it down?

I'm trying to nap.

Oh, of course.

You're my little napper.

I hope you never wake up.

Bye-bye! See you soon!

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