Original subtitles

I'm Harold Conway.

That's my father.

Oh, my gosh! Shut up.

You're such a cutie. I feel like I'm meeting a literal celebrity.

Hi. Okay!

He's icy.

I'm Ron. This is Kyla. Met these two animals down in Mexico.

Got to know each other. Intimately.

He didn't mean intimately. He meant…

Are you wearing a military dress uniform?

Oh. The buttons! The buttons gave it away.

And you are aware that it's a federal offense

to impersonate a member of the US military?

- Yes, I am. - Then why are you wearing it?

It's mine. I was in the Army. I was a Green Beret.

Green Beret?

Coin check.

I haven't been coin checked in forever.

I'll be damned.

No way! What?

What a treat.

- Please, come on and join us. - Okay. Wait. Harold, they can't stay.

- Right? - Daddy, that's what you told us.

It's all full, right?

We Green Berets always have each other's back.

Aw, yay!

- Where did you serve, son? - Four years in Saudi.

Well, I was five in Laos.

No shit. Heard you guys had to put jimmy hats

- on the barrels of your M16s! - Oh, my God, man.

They were so jam prone, we had to. We didn't have the…

How in the hell did they let that maniac in the military?

He's the most irresponsible person I've ever met.

And somehow, he is charming my dad.

And then Charlie says, "Take your fist out of there!"

This is only happening because you said, "See you later."

I said it without meaning it, like any decent person would.

Damn it, look now. Now he did it... Now he even got to your mama.

- Oh, no, no. - Look at your mom. She's smiling.

Oh, shit.

What if he tells them about our Mayan wedding?

Oh, no, no, no. What if he say anything about this trip?

Oh, no.

Okay, look. Okay, we got this. We just gotta contain it.

Hey, uh, w-where are you guys going?

Oh, I'm gonna show Ron and Kyla their room.

Wait, Harold. I thought you said everything was full.

Everything was. Except the Presidential Suite.

So I splurged on it.

I'm so excited! You're my guy!

Why wouldn't he do that for us? We the ones getting married.

Look, if you need anything, please let me know.

- We will. - And… …thanks again, Captain.

Also, I hope you join us in the morning. We have a little fox hunt lined up.

That's easy. Found her.

Oh.

Darn it, I must have left the keys at the front desk.

- Stand down. - Sir, yes, sir.

Bye. That's so sweet.

- Thanks, Dad. - Be right back.

- Okay, look. Um, could you do me a favor? -Yeah.

'Cause I'm trying to make a good impression on her family.

- Sure. - Totally.

It's that you don't mention anything about the Mexico trip. Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Oh, Marcus. You're so funny.

It's just one catamaran. It's really not a big deal.

Yeah, it's not about the catamaran. Okay?

It's all the other crazy shit that happened.

All the insane shit, it doesn't need to be mentioned here.

At all.

Okay, we got you. We got you. It's just, um…

Well, the, uh... the crazy shit is one of the reasons we came here.

See, something happened, and it's something intense. I just...

Um, I went to the doctor, and they found a growth in my abdomen.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, and the doctor, I guess he says it's... it's only gonna get bigger.

Can he operate on it?

Unfortunately, they can't... They can't. Sorry. They can't.

The... The doctors say it's gonna come out on its own.

Through her vagina.

Huh?

I'm preggers!

That's how you're gonna make that announcement?

By... By having us think that you had cancer?

- Yeah! - Yeah! You guys.

- Oh, congratulations, I guess. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Guess, um… I'm really happy for you.

Aw, thanks, pal. Hey, that's not the whole story though.

There's something about this baby that has to deal with you directly.

What do you mean?

Fubar!

Fubar. My brain is absolutely fubar.

I had the key in my other pocket the whole time.

You silly goose.

- Oh, God. - You goofball.

- Here we go. - Yes.

Oh, my God! This place is insane!

Permission to shit my pants, Captain.

Permission granted.

VCR!

- It's amazing! - Ooh! I feel like Nancy Reagan.

This should be our room.

Mexico was seven months ago?

Seven months?

Twice.

Twice they've gotten the Presidential Suite.

How does this keep happening?

- Baby, can I ask you something? - Yes, babe.

It's just a quick question.

Just, I was wondering, how far along did Kyla look to you?

I don't know. Why?

I mean, if you had to take a guess. You know what I mean?

Just a... just... just a guess.

Oh, five months? Five and a half? Tops.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah. Right. She five and a half months.

She ain't... She don't look seven months at all, right?

If she's seven months, then I'm three months.

And it's yours.

Yeah, it's mine.

- Good night, love. - Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Oh.

Mr. Finnegan.

You know, every time he does this, I feel like I'm walking in on him.

It's disgusting.

I'd like to thank you all for coming out for this magnificent tradition:

the pursuit of the elusive gray fox.

Now there are a couple of rules that I'd like you to keep in mind.

- One… - Baby, do you see either of them?

No, thank God.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I was trying to find the rest of my gear.

- What the... - Hey, lover!

Look at what your girl found.

- Whoo! - Shh.

It was in the truck the whole time. It was just wedged under my seat.

- You're the best. - I know. I know.

Oh. No, no, no. No guns. No. No one's killing anything.

- What? - What?

Yeah, it's not even a real fox hunt. It's a fox chase.

And no one's seen a fox around here in years.

By the way, Kyla, you're pregnant. That means you're not coming.

Oh, fuck that.

Excuse me! Lady in the purple. How do I get one of those?

Hey, chief. Could you just get this to the front desk?

Okay, baby. Let me get this straight.

I spent the last three months waking up at the crack of dawn

to learn how to ride a horse for a damn nature walk?

And the most important rule of all…

…have fun.

Nice grip. Solid trot.

Marcus, I didn't realize you could ride.

Oh, well, you know, this ain't the tack that I'm used to.

You know, I prefer western reins.

Oh, it's too bad you're wearing the wrong jacket.

Five buttons is strictly for houndsmen.

Harsh. I got like 12 buttons on my cargo shorts.

That guy really doesn't like you, huh?

You think?

You know what? We'll show him.

Come on, Marcus. Let's go find a goddamn fox.

- Wait, what? - Let's do this!

Look, man. This is a big waste of time. We are not gonna find a fox.

Let's just ride back to the stables, get some food because I'm starving.

Hungry no more.

That is…

Oh!

…reindeer moss.

One of the edible Cladonias.

You gonna eat that shit?

Yeah, dude. It's a superfood.

And it only grows in a rare section of the loblolly pine ecosystem.

Okay, how you know all this weird crap?

Licensed edible forager, man. Any self-respecting ranger is.

Try some?

Nah, I'm good on the tree pubes.

Tree pubes!

Why you laughing so hard? It wasn't even that funny.

You know, that... That's a joke Charlie would say.

Sometimes I can't even tell the two of you apart.

Here, check this out.

There. Look. There he is. Look at that. You see?

- That's Charlie? - Yeah, that's Charlie.

We look nothing alike, okay? This is a pale white man with red hair.

I'm not talking about his looks, man. I'm talking about his spirit.

You both got this hard shell on the outside,

then one bite and you get to the gooey center.

Now come on. Eat the moss.

You're lucky I'm hungry.

Okay. It's not that bad.

Boom! Mind open.

See, man. It's like nature's crisper drawer out here.

Ooh! Some ramps! The onion's wild cousin.

Try that.

Oh, man.

Jackpot.

Oh, man.

Okay, look. I know you're not a big drug guy,

but if you ever wanna unlock the doors to perception, this, my friend, is the key.

Wait, what?

Primarily found in Spain, but around here, we call it the Devil's Dick.

Most potent magic mushroom on Earth.

You eat one of these babies, not only will you talk to God,

you'll find a rent-controlled apartment and move in together.

- I ate it. - What?

I ate it.

- Why? - You told me to!

I said, "Jackpot," and that's it. I didn't say, "Eat it."

Man, you are crazy, okay?

Everything you touch turn into drugs!

Okay? What's gonna happen to me?

Am I about to die?

No, no. You're not gonna die. Okay?

Part of you is gonna die, but it's gonna be reborn. You'll be fine.

Something's happening because everything is purple now.

No, no, no, no. You're being paranoid. It takes 20 minutes to kick in.

Everything's purple!

Oh, shit.

I guess only a rookie chasms that fast.

You need a rope man. Okay.

- Marcus, I'm going in with you. - Mm-hmm.

- Every step of the way. - Deep breaths.

- Okay. - I mean, this is from me to you.

You're a big guy. Focus. Concentrate.

There is a good chance that nothing's gonna happen.

Emily!

I know I've only been here for a night, but I've gotta say,

this wedding is so kick-ass.

Well, at least someone's enjoying it.

How could you not?

Your family's so freaking cool.

Everybody's in love with me, and I haven't even met half of them yet.

Yeah, uh, don't... don't feel pressured, like, to meet everyone.

You're so sweet. No, I promise you. You have my word.

I'm gonna have meaningful connections with literally every single person here.

I was just so busy talking to Grandma Phyllis last night

that I couldn't make the rounds.

No, Phyllis barely even speaks.

She's a major, major chatterbox deep down.

Harold, I don't know if this is just Grandma Phyllis starting shit,

but…

…she said that this wedding was already more fun than yours was.

That's not surprising.

What does that mean?

Well, um, there was a bit of tension at our wedding.

It wasn't Phyllis. It was your grandfather and I.

We just got off on the wrong foot, and he never gave me another chance.

That sounds familiar.

Maybe now's the perfect time for you to give Marcus another chance.

Wow.

Did you hear that?

Oh… Oh, I heard that. Did you hear that?

I heard it. I didn't know I could hear...

It's like, I know I can see shit, but I didn't know I was hearing shit too.

What is that?

It's a fox.

- It's a fox. - It's gotta be a fox.

What do you think?

Behind you.

- Don't move. - Okay.

Or make a sound.

Don't say a single word.

You're talking right now.

No, I'm not.

So what do we do?

I'm gonna go make a snare out of that flora.

You stay here.

What do you mean, "Stay here," Ron? Where you going?

Ron. Ron.

Ron.

Don't worry.

Foxes are a completely nonaggressive species.

Get it off me!

It's Mr. Finnegan. He spotted something!

Mount up, everyone!

- Get off me! - Grab it! Subdue it!

Fuck that! Get it off me!

Fuck! Get it off!

What are you doing?

Mr. Finnegan likes him.

What the fuck?

Mr. Finnegan.

Marcus, are you okay?

Sweetie, I will…

Let me help you up there.

This isn't easy to say, Marcus,

but I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot.

I see things my way, and...

What's so funny?

You're a clown!

- Excuse me? - You're a clown.

Look, if I can interject for just a second, Harold.

Marcus and I have been talking about you all weekend.

- What? About my being a clown? - Yes.

Yes, but, you know, a wedding is like a big, old circus.

And you, you're the star of the show.

Oh, shit.

- I'm made of metal. - What... What is going on here?

Uh, what Marcus means is that his commitment to your daughter…

is as strong as steel.

Captain, Marcus has told me many times that he looks up to you.

And he hopes that one day,

you can all become a real, true family despite your differences.

No!

Because of them.

He said that?

He did. Word for word.

You said that?

Mm-hmm.

Lieutenant.

Whatever.

Oh, fuck. He bought it, dude. I can't...

What the fuck? Metal? Come on. Shit.

I'm in the circus.

Do you realize I almost killed that dog? Fucking Ron.

Hey, cut him some slack.

He actually covered for you with my dad.

Like, he kind of saved your ass.

Wait a minute. Is Grandma Phyllis over there talking?

How's that even possible?

Kyla has been really obsessed with her lately.

Uh-uh. This is not good.

Damn, how many cousins I got?

Some happy cousins. Why they so happy?

I don't know.

Tell 'em I say hi.

Hey, good morning, sleepyhead. I was just getting this for you.

A little something to get those synapses firing.

- Why? What you put in here? - It's grapefruit juice.

And heroin.

Kidding. Just drink it. You'll feel better.

- Can I be honest with you, man? - Yeah.

I really don't get you.

What's there to get?

I mean, everywhere we go, chaos happens. Right?

But everybody else panics, but not you.

You stay calm and collected. Like, you don't worry about any of it.

One night in Green Beret training,

they woke us up, put us in a boat, drove us a mile offshore,

dumped us in the water and said, "Swim back."

I watched so many guys wear themselves out

swimming against the riptide as hard as they could.

They had to be extracted. Me? I found out the trick was just float.

Look, I've never been the type of person that can just float, you know?

Marcus, you're missing the point.

Yeah, real story, but a metaphor, because it has nothing to do with your body mass.

I understand that. I mean, I know what metaphors are. I was...

Do you? Do you?

If it isn't Special Forces and special… stupid idiot.

You're lucky you didn't hurt my dad's dog yesterday,

'cause if you did, I would've hurt you.

Okay, Gabe. Is that right? Right? You gonna kick my ass?

- You wanna go right here, right now? - I think he wants to.

'Cause we can do that.

If I may. Gabe, it looks like you're trying to lead with a power jab.

Let's get those hips in. Get warmed up...

Hey. What are you... Hands off.

Whoa! Okay, man. I'm just...

Listen, I'm not here to fight anyway.

My father sent me here to collect the rings.

I guess the best man is supposed to carry the rings, so that's why I'm here.

You know something? I'ma give these to my best man, but to my new best man, Ron.

- Here you go, brother. - You mean it?

- Can he do that? - No, he cannot do that.

It's already been done. That's right. That's my best man right there.

Marcus, this means… more to me than you'll ever know.

Oh, man. It's all good, br...

Salaam.

Whatever. Okay.

See you at tee off, assholes.

I do not like the way they talk to you.

All right. They gone. You can give me the rings back.

What? No. I... You... We just said... What?

No, no. That... I was doing that in front of them.

I'm actually gonna keep the rings, so you just give 'em back to me.

Marcus, you made me your best man. That's that. Best man holds the rings.

Yes, I know what "traditionally" the best man do...

You can't just say the best man holds the rings

and then not let the best man hold the rings.

I got you.

Well, Marcus, good to have you back.

That sunstroke is no joke.

So, people, stay hydrated with... with water.

The marshals are very strict when it comes to alcohol, wagering and profanity.

- Now we're on a championship course here. -

So we are going to be keeping this club pristine.

So, Gabe, uh, why don't you and Bennett play with Marcus and Ron today.

Where's Ron anyway?

Got your six, Captain.

Ah, Lieutenant, good to see you. Hope you're comfortable in a foursome.

As long as there's at least one girl involved.

All right, dick holes. How much we betting?

Hey, hey, man. Didn't you hear what he said? No drinking and no gambling.

Marcus. Relax. Have some fun, all right?

What do you say a hundred a hole?

Count me in.

Me too.

Tell you what. Let's keep it fresh. Back nine we double the stakes.

- Double? - Problem?

Please. You see what I'm driving?

That's you, the red one?

What is that? A Corvette, pre-owned?

- It's a Ferrari, you dipshit. - $250,000.

- Bought her brand-new. - Boom.

Now, Marcus, I understand a hundred dollars a hole

is a lot of green for a blue-collar worker,

so if you need to back out, go ahead and do it now.

- Fuck you. - Fuck you.

- No, fuck you. - Fuck you again.

No, kiss my... You know? Let me holla at you real quick.

Can you excuse us?

Man, I don't have that type of green.

Marcus, don't worry. I'll bankroll you. Pay me back later.

Bankroll me with what?

How about this?

Where'd you get that?

Who cares? Just help me whup the Brooks Brothers over there. Come on.

I would love to beat these two assholes…

- Do it. - …but I suck at golf!

That's why you're lucky I'm your best man.

What was that? Thought you said you was good?

I am. I just gotta get warmed up.

You gotta get warmed up?

- Want a hit? - No!

Woo-hoo!

Ha! Ha!

Thank you so much.

Jesus, I wish we had never hired this caterer.

Now he's telling me

that he's having trouble sourcing steaks for tomorrow night.

I'm so sorry, but I do just have to go on record

and say that I told you to go with Ford Fry.

- You did not listen to me… - Brooke, please.

Okay. Guys, please, for me.

Mom, I am super positive that the caterer will figure it all out.

So for the next two hours, can we just not think about steak?

- Yes, dear. - Thank you.

Wait, guys, steaks? I know a place that has amazing steaks.

Ron and I just went there on our way here 'cause it's right down the block.

Hal's in Buckhead? They were asking $300 a plate.

Oh, no. Girl, this place is under ten.

Damn, that's a steal.

- What restaurant is this? - Oh, it's called Waffle House.

Well, even I don't like Waffle House.

Trust me, you guys. It's amazing.

- Oh, my God. Is she serious? - No, no, Mom. She's...

Whenever Ron and I are stressed or horny or I have trouble going number two...

Hey, Kyla. You know what?

I think we're gonna just be here in this moment,

enjoying the spa, relaxing. Yeah.

Got you, Em. I swear I will stop talking, and we should get our Zen on, right?

'Cause that's why we're at the spa.

Oh, Brooke, you remember when we had our spa day right before your wedding?

Those hot stones were...

Oh, my God. Not again, please.

- Oh, no. - What's the matter?

We're getting destroyed out there.

- I thought you said you was good? - I am good. You'll see.

Ernesto!

Sorry.

My man.

Love that guy.

Did you just tip him $100?

I have plenty left.

Where did you get all that cash from?

I pawned the wedding rings.

- No, you didn't. - No, I did.

- No, you didn't. - No, I did.

- No, you didn't. - I did. Totally. Here.

Here's the receipt. Northside Jewelry and Loans.

Oh, you did.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I just got good with Harold.

Pick 'em up when we win.

Pick 'em up when we win?

We're losing every hole!

- Come on, gentlemen. Man on the tee.

I'm so sorry. I just can't breathe right now.

- Oh! - Brooke.

Sweetheart, it's okay. What's wrong?

Back when we were dating, Darren was so sweet.

No, he wasn't.

A little. He was a little sweet.

Well, what did Darren do to you, sweetheart?

He's super mean to me all the time. He says mean things.

Sweetie, what do you do about it?

- Kyla. - What? No, I'm serious.

- What do you mean? I... - Okay, guys. Here's the thing.

I dated a lot of shitheads before I met Ron, love of my life.

They were just like Darren. These are the kind of guys that are like...

They think they're the alpha, but deep down,

- they know they're just a little bitch. - Okay, Kyla…

Next time Darren steps out of line, you pop him in the balls.

Who are you?

- You can do it very nicely. - This person is insane.

I have a couple restraining orders. It's not that big of a deal.

This is a criminal. This is a criminal.

- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah. Let's go chat.

Are you sure you wanna leave them? Because we have our massages in two minutes,

- and we're getting so much free shit... - What are you doing?

What? I was just trying to be helpful and give your sister some advice.

By suggesting that she pop her husband in the balls?

Yes.

- Oh, my God. Please. - What?

Kyla, this weekend is already so stressful.

All I'm asking is that you not add to that stress.

Can you please do that for me?

Okay.

Why are you whispering?

Well, because you thought I was too loud in there.

God.

Two, three, four.

- That's what I'm talking about. - Put some respect on it.

Watch out.

- Okay. How much you got left? - Not a lot.

- We're gonna never get those rings back. - All right, boys. Last hole.

Let's do something big.

Double or nothing. All in. I stick it on the green from here in one shot.

Double or nothing? That's what you... No!

No. No double or nothing. No!

You do realize you haven't hit a green all day, right?

Wait. Haven't I?

You know what? We're in. Actually, let's make it a little interesting.

Let's put Bennett's Ferrari in the pot.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.

That's like 45 grand.

Forty-five thousand?

It's pre-owned.

We can match that.

One shot. I stick it on the 18th green from here, we win.

I miss by an inch, we lose.

Ron. Ron. I can't do that.

Come on. You can, man. Remember, just float.

What the fuck you mean floating? Fuck floating.

Fine.

- It's a bet. - Fine.

All right, gentlemen.

For the record, this is a Titleist 7 with two pink dots. Do we agree?

Yes. We do agree that you are a dumbass.

That is the wrong hole.

That's the seventh green.

The 18th green… that way.

Three hundred and seventy-five yards. Dogleg left.

Good luck hitting over the trees.

And no backing out.

We shook on it.

Mm-hmm.

Aw.

I can't watch this.

Whoa.

- You see it? - No.

Do you see... No. No, no.

It's not on the green.

It's not on the green. Oh. It's not on the green.

Could've sworn I got all of it.

Check the cup.

- Check the cup? - Check these nuts.

"Titleist 7."

Two pink dots.

What?

Yes.

You was hustling them the whole time? Where you learn to play like that?

Army shrink. He said golf was good for PTSD. I got a little obsessed.

But that was a hole in one. What are the chances?

Uh, roughly zero.

- So, you cheated? - I do not cheat.

I put that on the green fair and square.

Ernesto. Remember my guy?

I had him kick it in the cup to make it awesome, which it totally was.

Well, look at you now, brother. You own a new Ferrari.

Nah, man. We'll enjoy this for a bit, but I'm... I'm giving it back.

I only did it for one reason, Marcus.

No one, and I mean no one, talks to you the way they did at breakfast.

Thank you. And I appreciate that. So, we can... Can we just go get the ring...

You made me your best man, and with that comes a solemn oath of responsibility.

Cool. And you're right. It comes with...

Responsibility to always have your back.

I give you my word. I will never, ever… ever let you down.

Ron, I get it.

I get it. You got my back. But can we now go get the rings? Like... Like right now.

Sure, man. What's the rush?

Pawnshop closes at 6:00. It's like 2:45.

What are you talking about? It's 5:45.

Oh, shit.

My watch is still on Oregon time. I never changed it.

I was wondering why it gets dark out here so early.

What?

…arrested for breaking into a Pine Valley lake house.

Luckily for him, police quickly discovered the problem.

He once owned the home and they believe he was simply confused.

Officer on the scene says there will be no charges filed.

Matthew Sweeney's World of Magic Tour is over and...

- Whoa! - Whoa!

- Hell, man! - Whoa!

Wait.

Thank fucking God!

See, man? Just like I told you.

You just gotta float and, somehow, it all works out. You feel better?

- Did you ask me if I feel better? - Yeah.

Are you serious?

Do I feel better? You know how close that was?

If I had lost these rings, that whole family would've been on my ass!

What if somebody came in and bought these rings?

We wouldn't have been able to get back the rings.

We'd have to get some rings from some dead person's fingers that I don't even know.

What should I feel better about? You know what I'll feel better about?

When we get back to that stuffy ass country club

and get these goddamn Conway family rings on our goddamn fingers.

That bird's about to shit.

That's what would happen If I lost these...

I didn't... I didn't want you to get your shoes messy.

You didn't want to get my shoes messy?

I figured you could hold on to them.

I didn't know you were gonna drop 'em. I just was trying to save your sh...

You were trying to save my shoes.

You don't care about my wedding or me being happy for the rest of my life...

I just didn't know what was gonna happen.

Ah! Motherfucker!

Hey. Okay. You're choking me, man. You're...

You're choking me.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Marcus, I'm trained to escape this.

But I won't. You're my friend.

I think you need to express your feelings here.

Feelings? I feel great.

I feel so good. This the best I've felt all fucking weekend.

Got it. Before you choke me out, there's something you should know.

Shut up!

Back before Mexico, the doctors said I could never have a baby.

They said I was sterile.

Wait, wait. What?

I went to see a bunch of specialists.

Out-of-pocket cost is so damn high with the deductibles. I should have...

Get to the fucking point!

Back in Mexico, Kyla got pregnant.

And…

it's because… …of you.

- Oh, God. - Okay. Passing out.

Aw, man. Never mind, I'm good.

What?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, everybody.

We... We need to talk.

Where have you been? My brother got back from golf an hour ago.

I really need to talk to you about something, like, right now.

- Right now? - Yes.

So, Kyla's not five months pregnant. She got pregnant in Mexico.

So?

So…

um…

…you know that night got a little... Got a little crazy,

and we never... we never actually discussed everything that happened.

Like what?

Like, you know, we had sex in the same room. Me and you.

But also, it was, like, partners in the room also having sex.

But not with their particular partners.

You understand where I'm going with this?

Yes. I… I know.

You do?

I know exactly what happened. I was there, Marcus.

Uh…

Baby, is that Zeke?

And Enzo and Fred.

Who the hell are these people?

Surprise!

- Hey. - Hey.

What the hell you doing here? Matter of fact, why you not at work?

Nice place, boss. Yeah, I would not have let us come to this either.

But we do appreciate the invitation.

What you mean "invitation"? I didn't invite you. Who...

Who did invite you?

Uh, ladies and gentlemen…

Good evening everyone, and welcome.

What is he doing up there?

Captain, uh, permission to say a few words about the happy couple?

Hello, everyone. I'm Ron. I'm Marcus's suku'un.

Of course, you wouldn't know that if you saw him choking me in the street earlier.

- The fuck is he talking 'bout? - Shh.

Marcus. Bet you're surprised to see your pals from work, huh?

When I heard Kyla and I were your only close friends here,

I called Parker Construction myself,

and I told them, "You better get your butts on a plane!"

'Cause let's face it,

it's times like these when you want your closest friends by your side.

I was best man for my army pal, Charlie Anderton.

Man, Charlie and I are super close.

Like, I talk to him every day.

Never in my life did I think I'd have another friend like Charlie.

And then Marcus and I crossed paths in Mexico, and I know. I know.

I'm not supposed to talk about Mexico.

It was just that moment where Emily and Marcus became like family

to Kyla and me.

But little did we know just how much like family we would become.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kyla.

Thank you, baby. Isn't he so cute, you guys?

Don't you wanna bake him at 350 till his skin gets crispy?

I do.

Um, as you can see, I'm currently with child,

which is, like, actually insane because Ron and I were told that kids,

like, weren't gonna be in the cards for us.

Without going into too much detail, it was a semen issue.

You know what I mean? So for us, he could shoot far.

Not like my friend Sue's husband

who it kinda trickles off the top of the dick like a waterfall.

No, when he shoots, he shoots fast.

He shoots hard. He shoots, like, a straight shot.

So it's more kind of like what's in the shots that's the problem.

Anyway, Larry and Nancy, rest assured.

Because even if these two choose to not have kids of their own,

your legacy is alive and well

and kicking right here inside of me in my fertile womb.

- This is what I was trying to tell you. - What are you talking about?

But something super magical happened when we were in Mexico.

And, Marcus, you are destined to play a really important part in our child's life.

I am so excited to announce to all of you that this baby is...

Is mine!

It's mine.

The baby she's carrying… It's my... It's my baby.

I'm confused.

I was taught by them to step up and do what's right, and I'm doing it.

Pass me the wine.

Me and Emily took a trip to Mexico where we met these two.

And, uh, one night, we got really drunk.

Like, like insanely drunk, like really fucked up.

I was toe up, and things got a little, um… a little weird.

Sexually. It got sexually weird.

Which led to me unintentionally, 'cause it wasn't my intentions to do this,

I unintentionally gave this woman a baby.

So now she's carrying my child.

It is what it is. That's my baby.

Actually, no.

We just wanted to share with you that it's a boy,

and we're gonna name him Marcus in your honor.

You're not the father. He's not the father. I am.

I've been trying to tell you that all week.

Okay, in Mexico, remember? I was gonna run and jump off the cliff into the water.

- You're like, "Don't cover your balls." - Yeah. So?

Yeah, so, the impact from the jump, like,

knocked the eight ball back in the corner pocket.

'Cause now... now my balls work, man.

My balls work because of you.

So, that's not my baby?

- No. - No.

Yeah. It's not.

Sorry.

I believe that the food choices are between the fish

and... and the beef.

- Yeah. - I hear they're both really tasty.

- Did you cheat on my daughter? - Captain, hold on.

Answer me. Did you have sex with that woman?

I'm honestly very confused right now.

- No, Daddy, he didn't. - How would you know?

I just do, okay?

No! How would you know?

Because I did.

It's true. She did. It was hot.

I can vouch. Super hot.

This is the best wedding I've ever been to.

Seriously?

You... You will never marry my daughter.

What have you done to her?

- He didn't do anything to me, Dad. - Enough!

Move.

Sis, you're not thinking straight, okay?

Look, it's obvious to everyone besides you

that you're marrying some loser who's only bringing you down.

Yo, who you talkin' about?

I am talking about you.

You're utterly beneath her. You have trash friends, a trash job.

And you wanna know why? Because you are...

What?

Shit.

- Well. - Okay.

Look what you made me do again.

Marcus. You give me back those rings.

- Just give me back those damn rings. - Oh, my...

Guess what, Harold. It's not gonna happen.

You know why? Because the rings…

the rings are in the, um…

in the sewer.

My rings?

Marcus. Marcus.

- Is this who you want to marry? - Not right now, Mom.

I'm gonna kick your ass, man.

Slow down, playboy. Nobody's kicking anybody's ass.

Yo.

Ron! Oh, my God! You guys!

Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Shit. Shit. Shit.

So sorry.

Sorry.

- You think the bar's still open? - Mmm.

Marcus. Marcus, wait. Wait, baby.

Baby, why didn't you just tell me you slept with Kyla?

I don't know, okay. Everything was just so weird.

And like you said, we were all so drunk.

It's no excuse, but it's not like you were rushing to tell me you slept with her too.

- But I didn't sleep with her. - But you thought you did.

- Yeah, 'cause she was on top of me. - No. We were on top of you.

You were not involved.

- Almost. - What are we doing?

You okay? That was scary, right? Now…

What the hell?

Three, two times a day. Down the hatch. Now swallow it down.

- Get it down. - Hey. Look. What are you doing?

- What? - What?

I knew it. Dr. Adolphus. You've been giving her pills this whole time?

She's in so much pain. I'm just helping her manage it.

- Oh, my God. - What the fuck, Kyla?

- What? - She's old. She could OD.

- Grandma, spit it out. - Hey, guys.

- Grandma, Grandma. Spit it out. Grandma.

Spit it out, Grandma! Grandma.

I feel like I missed something.

You know what? Just try and swallow...

Come here! You had no right to give her drugs.

Oh, no, no. No, no, no, babe. They're not drugs. They're herbs.

Dr. Adolphus... No, he's a homeopathic doctor.

Bullshit. You said he got in trouble with the law.

Yeah, for selling raw milk.

Oregon's just not as liberal as people think.

Whatever. The fact is, that's my grandma.

You should not have been giving her anything.

That's the problem with you two.

Y'all love poking your noses in other people's shit.

Marcus, that's not true.

Oh, it's not true?

So, why would you invite my coworkers to a wedding without asking me?

Why did you pawn my rings? You didn't ask me if we wanted to do that either.

Or why would you put cocaine in the drinks of people you don't even know?

Because I would want people to put cocaine in my drink if they just met me.

We were just trying to be nice.

"Trying to be nice" just blew up my fucking wedding!

This the crazy part.

We have no idea why you're here 'cause we didn't even invite you.

Marcus, we're here because we're your friends.

Friends? You think we're friends?

We're not friends, okay!

We were just vacation friends for one week in Mexico!

We didn't plan on seeing y'all again, at all!

That's why I didn't give you my phone number!

Okay, look. It's been an emotional night...

Emotional? Let me say this to you.

Your friend Charlie probably was able to put up with your bullshit,

but I'm gonna tell you something, we had enough.

We're done.

So do us a favor and float the fuck outta here.

Kyla.

Uh, baby, it had to be done.

Yeah. They... They had it... They had it coming.

- Yeah. - Right?

Yeah.

Grandma, let me get you back inside.

Oh, Emily says Harold is still missing.

He was gone the whole night?

- You think your employees whupped his ass? - Oh, stop.

Dad, no, okay. My employees wouldn't…

Nah, you... you're being ridiculous.

There he is. The man of the hour.

Are y'all drinking already?

We still going from last night.

Yeah, man. Your wedding just gets better and better.

Well, I'm glad you enjoying yourself,

but, honestly, I don't think we gonna have a wedding anymore.

- Do we get the Hennessy back? - Mmm.

What are you talking about? It's happening.

Says who?

Says this asshole.

Harold?

How are ya? Marcus. How you doing?

Okay, look, man. Where have you been?

Well, I've been with these fools.

It's an old army tradition.

When you punch a man, you have to buy him a beer.

And we started drinking.

And drinking and drinking and drinking.

And while we were drinking, the boys told me about what it was like to work for you.

They said, "Oh, Marcus. Marcus is so... so demanding,

so... so uncompromising."

I must admit, it does sound like someone I know.

Then they told me why your last marriage ended.

Is that right?

They said, your wife, she didn't wanna go along with the sacrifices

that you made when the recession hit.

And they told me that…

…that you paid for all of your employees, every man,

out of your own pocket.

Came back strong, though.

Thirty-five mil in revenue last year.

It's right there on the spreadsheet.

I admit, I haven't held you in the highest esteem.

But you're a good businessman, Marcus.

But more important, you are a good man.

Wow. This means a lot, Harold. I really appreciate...

Yes. And to think, I would never known any of this

if you hadn't invited these boys.

But, no. I mean, I actually didn't even invite them.

Ron did.

Huh.

Where is Ron?

Hi, sweetie. Got a minute?

Grandma. I'm sorry about last night.

You mean when you stuck your hand down my throat.

- It happens. - Does it?

Whoa, whoa.

You can walk.

That pill Kyla gave me really works.

- Seriously? The herbs? - Yeah.

And it doesn't make me sleepy like my usual pill.

Oh, she's a sweet girl.

Yeah, she…

She's something.

I'm sorry you two had a falling out.

But she did leave a wedding gift for you.

"Emily, you're the sister I never had because my real sister is a B-I-T-C-H.

I guess it doesn't work to spell out bad words when you're writing.

And meeting Marcus…"

"And meeting Marcus has brought Ron back to life.

You wouldn't know it,

but he's been in a shit ton of pain since he lost his best friend, Charlie.

When Charlie died, half of Ron died with him.

Or at least it did until you guys came along.

I'm sorry we cocked up your whole weekend.

To make up for it, Ron spent all morning getting these back.

I'd wash them before you put them on."

We messed up, Marcus.

Yeah.

We gotta find them.

I don't know how we gonna do that. Look, we ain't got a phone number on 'em.

- Shit, I don't even know where they went. -

It should be close. She said it was right down the block.

Nope. Damn, baby, you know there's a...

There's a hundred Waffle Houses in Atlanta.

So then we'll just work our way up from here in concentric circles.

Classic circle sweep maneuver.

Got a feeling that's them.

I'm so glad we found you guys.

Mmm. Well, isn't this an unhappy coincidence, huh, babe?

There's a Waffle House right across the street.

- You should go eat at that one. - Look, guys.

I know we said some pretty shitty stuff last night.

- Yeah, shitty, untrue stuff. - And you right, and we were out of line.

Yeah. You guys are not just vacation friends.

You're real friends, and we should have treated you like that.

So, please come... Come back to the wedding.

I can't get married without my best man.

Pretty words. How do we know you mean 'em?

Salaam.

Well, what do you think? We go back?

- Fuck that. - Kyla.

Ron, you heard them.

They were, like, accusing me of giving drugs to people.

- You... You did. - Only the good kind.

Right. They were homeopathic.

No, I'm talking about the cocaine.

It was really, really good cocaine.

No, honey.

It was great cocaine.

Thank you. I love you.

They did come all the way down here.

Marcus kissed me on the forehead…

in a Waffle House.

That's huge.

Okay. We will come to your wedding,

but you have to promise to do something for me.

Sure. What... What is it?

You both have to promise that you will come to ours.

Wait, wait, wait. Y'all getting married?

Yeah, we decided to do it.

What changed your mind?

Well, Ron and I wanna do what's best for Marcus.

Why do y'all wanna do what's best for me?

No, Marcus… Marcus.

Our son who we're literally naming after you.

Yes, the baby. The baby named Marcus.

And, look, y'all. I promise we'll be there.

Yeah. So, where you guys thinking of having it?

Well, we were thinking… destination wedding.

- Looks like you fuckers are married now! - Whoo!

- Yes! - Yay!

Oh, baby, I love you.

- They did it. - Yay!

Marcus, Mommy and Daddy are married!

- Thank you, you guys. - Congratulations.

- Thank you so much. - Thanks, Pop.

Hey. Hey, everybody. Look. Look.

I would like to propose a toast to the new couple

that is not only our new favorite couple,

these are our best friends.

We love you so much. Congratulations to Ron and Kyla!

Cheers!

Mmm.

Refreshing.

The salt doesn't taste very salty.

- Hi, guys! - Oh!

Take this. Take this.

- Do you mind taking baby Marcus? - Oh, please.

Wow.

Okay. I'll do it if you do it.

Jesus, Emily. I'm a mom now.

Of course I'm gonna do it.

Hard to believe I'm a married man now. It's a lot of responsibility.

Think you're ready for it?

Yeah.

Any advice?

A wise man told me once to… to just float.

- All right. - Whoa, wait!