All language subtitles for The Other Two s02e04 Pat Hosts.eng

[back-up beeping sound]

- Ugh.

[Le1f's "Wut" plays]

- ♪ Wut it do, wut it don't ♪

♪ Came through
in the clutch ♪

♪ Stompin' like
I'm up in Loubitons ♪

♪ Boys they wanna paint me
like I'm canvas ♪

- [groaning]

- ♪ I'm the kind of john ♪

♪ Closet dudes wanna
go steady on ♪

♪ Toss my gems up,
raise the bar ♪

♪ Yung Phenomenon,
I make that neo-Nazi ♪

♪ Kamikaze wanna firebomb ♪

[woman speaking indistinctly]

- Amy, wha--what are you
doing here?

- Oh, just getting ready

to show this apartment
to Ms...

- Dubek.

God, this place is so huge.

I cannot believe I can afford
this all by myself now.

Girl, just goes to show,
if you work hard

and you're nice,
anything's possible.

[phone buzzing]
Oh, just a second. Hello?

- Hey, all the guests
just dropped out

for tomorrow's show--
could you come help

book some replacements?
- No! I've worked

every fucking second.

I told people I need one hour
to sign my goddamn lease.

Sorry. Where were we?

- I think we're done.

You can move in tomorrow.
- Oh my gosh!

- Congrats, Brooke.
I'm so proud of you.

- I'm proud of me too.

[exhales]

- We'll be downstairs.
- Okay.

- Take your time if you want
to keep looking around.

- All right. Thanks.

Oh, wow!

Yeah...

[phone buzzes]

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you doing tomorrow?

You should come over
and see my huge, new place.

- I'm sorry,
I'm Upstate with Jess.

He planned a whole
surprise getaway.

- Oh!
You guys are such a couple now.

- Yeah, I actually wanted
to talk to you about that.

The other day he told me
I was his everything.

- Hey.

- Which is great,
because he is mine.

- God, this is so nice.

- Yeah. Love taking a bath.

Just the two of us.
No one else for miles.

- So I'll just leave you guys
alone then.

- No, no, no, I can
keep talking if you want.

I don't have to go, I can--

- Pfft.

[upbeat pop music]

- ♪ I'm-I'm a winner ♪

- Live in three, two--

[cheers and applause]

- Oh hey.
Are all the guests here?

- Yes, and thank you
for changing your mind

and booking them.
- Oh. Of course, girl.

Happy to help.
- 'Cause you really

screamed at me yesterday,
so I didn't think you would.

- What? Nope. Happy to help.

- Like, really screamed at me.

- Nope. Go away now.

- What did you help her with?
Why not me?

Am I bad?
Do people think I'm bad?

- Oh my God, Streeter, relax.
I'll tell you what's going on

if you promise
not to say anything.

- You mean, like a secret?
- Yes.

- Does, Sh...Shuli know?

- No. Okay, so yesterday,

I realized
it's probably time for me

to start dating again.
- Mmm.

- You know,
'cause Cary has Jess

and you have my mom,
and I have...no one.

- Oh my God, you're doing it.
You're confiding in me.

- And then I was like,
"How am I supposed to go out

and meet guys?
I'm at work all the time."

- You're just spilling
your guts.

- So I have booked
the hottest guys I can think of

on today's show,
and when they're here,

I'm just gonna ask them out.

- Oh, you are so bad.
Ha ha.

Is this the kind of stuff
that you and Cary

were always cooking up
when I wasn't around?

Am I the new Cary?
- Streeter, focus.

You can't tell anyone, okay?

As far as anyone knows,
this is just a regular show.

- Yes.
- Okay, we've got

a great show today.

We have "People Magazine's"

sexiest doctor alive...
- Ooh!

- Instagram's @TheShirtlessVet.
- Ooh!

- A fashion model who showed up
on my daughter's Explore Page

after she followed
TheShirtlessVet,

and Derek P

from Jojo's season
of "The Bachelorette."

- Ho ho!
Well, I wish I could

stay for all the hijinks,

but we gotta go make a mold
for Chase's new cologne today.

- Oh, wait, are we still
calling it Body by Chase?

- Yes, and Shuli said that
the bottle should actually

be Chase's body--
with clothes on of course.

So he needs to be in a
full body cast for 10 hours,

and I'm gonna sit with him

and feed him snacks
into his little tiny mouth hole

so he doesn't pass out.
Life of a singer.

- Cool.
- Oh wait.

So what else
doesn't Shuli know?

- Thanks so much.
Have a good day.

- Hi. How are you today?

- God, I'm so glad
we're doing this.

- Yes. Picking apples.

Another fun thing to do
that we are doing.

- So after we pay for these,
looks like we go over there,

'cause that's where
the Macintosh apples are.

- Excuse me. How long do people
usually do this for?

- We always make
a whole day of it.

In fact,
this is our 50th time up here.

It's a fall tradition.

- You've done this 50 times.
Just the two of you.

Same thing, every year
until you die?

- Oh, we don't look at it that.

- It looks like there's also
a petting zoo,

which could maybe be cool.

Oh, there's a hayride,
that could be fun.

- Why? Where does it go?

- I think just like
in a little circle.

Okay, I'll go get tics.

- Wait. Oh my God.

Cary Dubek?

- Cameron Colby?

- Now please help me welcome
my first guest,

People's sexiest doctor alive,
Dr. Nick.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

- Now, Dr. Nick,

you are here today to talk
about male pattern baldness.

- I am?
- That's what it says

on my cards here
and specifically,

if it runs in your family.

- Well, yes, both my dad and
my grandfather are fully bald

but then again, I was adopted.

all: Aww.
- Yes!

Going in.

- Hey, great job on the show.
- Hey, thanks.

- This is crazy,

but would you maybe
want to get dinner tonight?

- Oh. Sure.

Maybe we can, uh, eat
at my place and I can cook.

- You also cook?
I'm a genius.

Okay, that sounds great.

I just gotta
get back out there

and see the rest of the dates.
I mean, the show.

So I'll see you tonight.
I want burgers.

- Hey!
- Hey.

- Oh, my God, Cary,
what are you even doing here?

- I think picking apples
until I die.

- Ha ha ha! You're literally
Jimmy Fallon.

- But, hey, we should--
we should hang out,

like, now please.
We're up for anything.

- Hey, people are lining up.

- Oh, hey, Jess,
this is my friend, Cameron.

- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Yeah. He's an Instagay.
He's so fun.

Remember that pool party?

- Oh my God, barely.

That whole life is behind me
now that I'm married.

- Oh my God. Congrats.
- Wait, what?

You're married?

- Yeah. And my name's not
Cameron anymore,

it's at @thepropertydaddys.

- The--The Property Daddies?

- Yeah. I decided to take
my personal life

in a new direction creatively.
So now I'm married,

I live Upstate,
and I flip houses.

Oh my God,
you guys have to come over

and meet the other daddy.

- Oh, sure. Yes.

It'd be nice to have
some couple friends actually.

- Yeah, yeah.
I think it will be?

- Now, Derek,
before "The Bachelorette,"

it says on my cards

that you were from a crappy
little nothing town in Iowa.

- It says that?
- Yes, I'm sorry.

But my question is you
must live in New York city

or Los Angeles now, right?

- Yes.
I split my time between both.

all: Whoo.

- Hey. Great job on the show.

Would you maybe want
to get a drink this evening?

- Oh. Yeah, I'd love that.

- Okay. Well, I got
to get back to work.

I take my job very seriously.

- Now you're one of the most
beautiful models in the world.

So I have to ask you, your
personality must suck, right?

- I don't know.

I like to think I'm a pretty
nice down to earth guy.

all: Aww.
- Yes!

Hey, great job on the show.

Would you maybe
want to get lunch?

- Um...sure. What's your name?

- Oh, we'll just do that
all at lunch.

- And what kind of animal
did you bring us today?

A little puppy?

- No, this is Carissa.

She is a 30-pound
boa constrictor.

Now, boas have a cloaca,

so they don't pee
or poop like we do,

but out of the same one hole,

right down here
where I'm putting my finger.

- Oh my goodness,
she's going all over you!

- Hey, great job on the show.
Goodbye forever.

- This is their house?

All right,
we don't have to stay long

if you don't wanna.

I'm not really sure
what this is gonna--

- Cary!

How dare you be
three minutes early.

We're still in our PJ sets.

- Oh please, come on in.

- And this actually
is perfect timing.

We just finished hanging
some of our favorite memories

as a couple
on our gallery wall.

Come take a look.

- Oh, wow!

- Oh. Cool.
- Okay, so...

this is from
when we wore jeans in bed.

And then this is from

when we painted a barn door
in overalls.

We got paint everywhere.
It was insane!

Oh, and then this is
our favorite memory ever.

We'll never forget it

because we got 800,000
likes in three minutes.

- Do you guys
have a gallery wall?

- Oh, um, no,
we don't live together.

- Though it might make sense
to soon.

My--my lease is up
in a few months.

- Awww, then you'd be
just like us.

[off-key notes]

[ominous musical sting]

- Okay. Camera's up in 20.

- Hey, mom.
I'm heading out for a bit.

You okay?
Do you need anything?

- No, I'm fine. Can't complain.
Everything's good.

- Okay, cool. Oh, don't forget.

You have
that fan thing tonight.

- Yeah, my meet and greets?
- No, it's after that.

You are dressing up
as a janitor

and surprising tourists
in Times Square.

- Oh, another thing?
- Yeah, fans can't get enough.

Okay, wish me luck.
I have a date.

- Oh, honey. I'm so glad
you're getting back out there.

- Yeah. You know?

Could be nice to have
someone to come home to.

Like how you have Streeter.
- I know.

Although yesterday
I did wake up

to him to him nibbling
my toes.

- Okay we're back in three--

- Okay.
- Two--

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye.

Hello and welcome to
"The Pat After Show"

presented by Chex Mix!

- [giggling] Can I just say
you are the hottest person

I have ever seen.
There's nothing wrong with you.

- Well, I still use
plastic straws.

- Yeah. Literally,
who gives a shit about that?

- Okay. I'm gonna use
the restroom real quick.

I'll be right back.

Damn!

- Hey, girl.
Just want to say good job.

That guy is so hot.

- I know, right? Thank you.

- Hey, sorry to interrupt.
I just had to say, damn girl.

Get it.

- Thank you. I will get it.

- Oh my God, girl.
That is the hottest guy ever.

Good for you.

- I know. Thank you.

- Truly, congratulations.

I looked over
and was like, "That's insane."

- I mean, it's not insane.

- It's like you've got to
tell me what your secret is.

- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe that I'm a pretty
fucking girl, you rude bitches.

- I'm sorry, I can't do this
for the rest of my life.

Plastic straws are bad so...

That's right. I'm dumping him.

- So what do your
sweatshirts mean?

- Oh, they're just these
totally stupid nicknames

that we gave to each other.

- Yeah, I call him Breffis
because sometimes

when he's tired,
that's how he says breakfast.

- Guilty.
And I call him Nooner

because one time he slept
until noon,

and I'm not even joking.

[light chuckles]

- So what do you guys
do up here to spice things up?

- Sorry, Cary.
I can barely hear you.

Alexa, turn off
our party playlist.

[very soft music turns off]

- I was just asking
how you spice things up.

Do you travel?

- Yeah, we actually just
got back from Paris.

- Oh, fun, fun.
What'd you do there?

- We did the Tea Cups,
It's a Small World,

and Pirates of the Caribbean
like a zillion times.

- So you--you flew to Paris
and went to Disneyland?

- Yeah, and then we flew
right back home fun.

- That sounds fun.
We should do that.

- We should?
- Oh this hot chocolate's

making my mouth all gross.
- Oh, excuse us.

We're going to go
and brush his teeth real quick.

- "We"?

- Hey, hi, I'm sorry I'm late.

- It's okay.
- I had a mistake for lunch,

but I am so happy
to be here now with you.

- Me too.
So tell me about yourself.

- Well, my name's Brooke D,
and I'm a dental hygienist.

- Well, maybe if this
goes well,

we can go back
to the Fantasy Suite.

- So tell me about work.

I think I remember
from the show you're a banker?

That's cool.
- Oh no.

I work pretty much
full-time for The Nation now.

- "The...Nation"?

- Yeah, Bachelor Nation.

Just yesterday I was with Josh

from season ten
and Ben from Caitlin's season.

We were handing out apps
at the opening of a Bonobos.

- Oh, um, okay, so you--

you just never really
make it to the bank anymore?

- If you have brothers, tell
them to use Code Derek ten.

They'll get 10% off
any one pair of shorts.

- Cool.
Speaking of brothers,

why don't you
tell me about your family?

- Honestly, The Nation's
my family now.

Robbie, Chase, Vinny,
James, Ben, Dylan, Tyler.

- Come in.

- Oh, wow. Yep.

That's exactly what you said
you'd be doing.

- Cary, we're so glad
you came over.

I love relationships for us.

- Yeah. They're--they're great,
but I'm starting to worry

maybe Jess and I
are just different people.

- I know exactly how you feel.

Like I'm a Gryffindor
and he's a Ravenclaw.

Like,
how does that even work?

- Yeah, no that's-that's not
what I meant.

- Wait, do you guys have
a couple's account?

- No, no, not yet.

- I have the
perfect name for you.

@thecuddleboys,

and it can just
be pictures of you cuddling

in all the different rooms
of your house.

- Who would follow that?

- Mostly straight women
and brands,

so you'd have
to keep it pretty PG.

But make sure you get
your bare feet in the shot,

that way gays in the know
can still jack it to you.

- Sounds very cool, but--

but don't you guys
ever miss being single

or--or having your own accounts
or brushing your own teeth?

- No way.
I spent all my 20s being crazy.

I was ready to settle down.

- Yeah, I guess I never really
did the whole...crazy part.

- All right, Nooner.
Let's shave ya.

- Okay.

- You know, I'd even consider
Sean my brother.

He wasn't even on my season.

- I'm sorry, um...

Can we change the subject?

- Yeah, I'm sorry.
Enough about me.

Tell me about
your last boyfriend.

- Oh, well, we were together
for five years.

Um...it didn't--

it didn't really end well,
but now I am looking

for someone else to share
my enormous apartment with.

- Breakups are hard.
- Yeah.

- You know, you just got
to keep getting back up

on the horse
if you believe in love.

That's why, after Jojo season,
I did "Bachelor in Paradise."

You know,
I wasn't ready for it,

but I feel like
I owed it to team Derek.

- Jesus.
- And even though

Taylor and I broke up,
she's still a great girl.

- Oh, wait, Nooner,
did I tell you

Cary is an actor in New York?

- Oh, no,
I'm mostly just hosting.

- You should host an HGTV show.
- Oh my God, yes!

- Breffis and I
have a pilot there.

It's called, "Flipping House
from Top and Bottom."

You could live here
and host a show together.

- Oh!
- We just flipped

the cutest house across town.

You guys have to see it.
Let's go.

And here we are.

- Wait. Did we move?

- Yes! We got in the car,

drove across town,
and now we're here.

- Oh, right. Of course.

This just looks
exactly like your house.

- What? No way.
These pillows are green.

Ours are blue.
- Yeah.

- Come on.
We'll show you the rest.

So this is the dining room.

- Instead of black,
we went with night.

- This is so nice.

When we move in together
in New York, we'd probably

just be in Cary's little
one bedroom for starters.

- "When" we move in?

- But maybe in five years
we can afford

something like this or ten.

[dark music]

[laughter echoes]

- Just like us.

- [hyperventilating]

[exhales]

- How's the burger?

I'm vegan,
so it was bean paste.

Hope that's okay.
- It was great.

I absolutely need this to work,

so love a pasty bean.

- You know, next time
I cook for you,

we should do it Upstate.

My kitchen there
is so much bigger.

- Oh, you have a place Upstate?

Maybe we can also
take a couple's bath?

- Oh, uh...ha ha...sure.

Speaking of,

would you maybe want to, uh,
move things to the bedroom?

- Yeah, I think I'm ready
for a checkup, doctor.

- Um...have you had
this mole checked?

- Oh, um, I was just joking.

Don't actually
give me a checkup.

[both chuckling]

- Has this mole
always been there?

- Yeah.
Please don't make this that.

Okay.

[breathing hard]

- Huh. I think I see something.

- Is it poop?

- No, no.
It's like a little...lump.

I think you should
get this checked out.

- Yeah, totally.
First thing tomorrow.

- Yeah. You know, ethically,
it'd make me feel better

if I just take you now.

- Oh my God.

- Oh my God.
- Babe, is everything

okay in there?
They want to show us

the rest of the house.
- Yep.

I'm--I'm comin'... babe.

- And in the kitchen, we added
a little chalkboard wall

so you can write notes
to each other.

- Hey, Cary.
Come look at this kitchen.

- Okay.

- Hey, where did
my marshmallows go?

- I don't know but I found one
behind your ear.

- Nooner!
- Open up.

- Mmm!

- Hey, IGTV.
It's the "Cuddle Boys."

Here are my feet...
- And here are mine.

- And today
we're gonna show you

how to decorate
a table for fall.

- Left hand red.

- I honestly can't
or I will fall.

- Oh, my God, Cary
you're literally Jimmy Fallon.

[both laughing]
- No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

[laughter echoing]

[eerie off-key notes]

♪ ♪

- Oh!
- Hey. Are you--

- I'm sorry, I can't do this.

- Okay. Pulling back the labia,

there's a slight bit
of discoloration,

not abnormal
for a woman your age.

However, looking beneath
your clitoral hood

I do see a small abnormal lump.

- Can I get some
anesthesia please?

- Oh, he's not operating
on you.

- Yeah, I still just don't want
to be awake for this.

- [sighs] I think we should
order a biopsy.

- Wait, seriously?

- Oh, I'm sure it's nothing.

Just want to be safe and we can
put a rush on the results.

It'll only take an hour.

- Oh.

- I'm sorry,
I-I can't--I can't do this.

- Do what?

- I don't know,
like wear jeans in bed

and go apple picking
and shave each other's faces.

- Okay, I only know
what two of those are,

and I thought
apple picking was fun.

- And I don't want
to be a cuddle boy.

Like I-I want to be a sex boy.

Like, I like sex.

- Okay. I like sex too.
Obviously.

I mean, not during the week
but on weekends,

like, Sundays before HBO.

- That's the thing.

I think I want to have sex
instead of HBO.

- Well, now
you're just being insane.

- I don't want to go
to Disney-Paris.

I want to go to regular Paris

and like find some guy
named Pierre on the street

and blow him
and never see him again.

And I think I do want
to use a butt plug.

That sounds really hot to me.

- Where's this coming from?
- I don't know.

I think I'm just realizing
I've only seen six dicks

my whole life, and three
of them were straight,

one of them's mine,
and one of them was so bad

it shouldn't even count.

I don't know,
I just--I feel like

maybe I need to see more dicks
before I settle down.

I mean, shouldn't
I first see 50 dicks

and then there'll be one dick
that's like,

that's the dick for me.
That's it.

I--I mean, I'm not even
talking about dicks anymore.

- Yeah, no, I got that.

- I mean, don't you ever worry

that I'm not the right person
for you?

- No, I'm happy with you.

I love you.

- [whispers] Shit.

I'm sorry.

You're such a good guy,

and I was so proud
to have a boyfriend.

I just--I'm...

I'm just not ready
to be a cuddle boy.

- Okay.

I mean, again I don't know
what that is,

but okay.

[sighs]

[phone buzzes]

[line ringing]

- Hey, you've reached Cary.
- Oh God!

I guess he's still in the bath.

I want to be in a bath.

[line ringing]

- Sorry, gotta sweep up
this mess here.

Just kidding, It's Pat!
Surprise!

- Oh my God.

- Ugh! Probably getting
her toes sucked.

I guess I'll...
call a child?

- Okay. You're doing great.
Open up.

[phone buzzing]
Just two more hours, bud.

- When can I start
my new album?

- Shh, shh, shh.
Try not to move.

We need the mold to capture

every curve of your body.
With clothes, on of course.

Oh man, this looks so good.
I'm jealous.

[line ringing]
- [huffs]

Good. So I have no one
at the end of the day.

I just--I have no one.

- We got the results back.
- Oh, okay.

- You're fine.
It was just an ingrown hair.

- Oh God!
Are you--really, are you sure?

- Yes.
- Jesus.

- Between me and you,
I knew it was a hair.

I just didn't want to make
the doctor feel dumb,

but he is.
Very dumb.

He spends all day on Instagram.
He's not a good doctor.

- Hey, ha ha, great news,
right?

You want to head back
to my place

and finish the checkup?
- Absolutely go fuck yourself.

[footsteps echoing]

[motor humming]

[moody music]

[phone buzzes]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sorry, I missed you.
What's up?

- Nothing.
I just had a little scare.

It's all good.
You can go back to your bath.

- I'm, uh, I'm actually
back home.

Jess and I, uh, broke up.

- Oh, Cary.

I'm so sorry.

Do you want to come over
and talk about it?

- I think I'm okay, actually.
It was the right decision.

- Oh, okay. Cool.
Well, you know,

if you change your mind and you
do need to talk about it,

I am here in my...

big...empty apartment.

- Well, you know that,

that does actually sound
really nice.

I'll...I'll hop on the subway.
I'll be over in an hour.

- Okay, cool, you know, but
if you wanted to talk sooner

you could also take a Lyft.

- Okay, Brooke.
I'll take a Lyft.

- And if you were really
desperate to talk,

you could do Lyft Black.

Sometimes those cars
are closer,

and it shaves a couple
of minutes off your trip.

- Look, Brooke,
I can't take Lyft Black

because I'm still poor.

- Okay, well, Lyft regular then
but call it now

'cause the sooner you get here,
the sooner...I can help you.

- Thanks, Brooke.
I'll see you soon.

[Nayad's "Red Carpet Sand"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Well, after all,
we did what we could ♪

♪ 'Cause everything was new ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I got all my secrets
inside ♪

♪ Did you feel them too? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Part of me stays ♪

♪ But the rest moves on ♪

♪ I'll try to smile ♪

♪ When I play your song ♪

♪ Why should we care ♪

♪ When we're all alone? ♪

♪ Hey, why are you so sad? ♪

♪ It's not even that bad ♪

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