Original subtitles

- [suspenseful music] - [sirens wail]

[good cop] You tell us everything that we wanna know and this stops.

Never.

All your tricks and you've still got nothing.

Okay.

Bring him in!

Oh, what’s this, good cop, bad cop?

[good cop] Oh no.

It’s much worse than that.

This is good cop, woke cop.

[door opens]

[woke cop] Okay.

Okay, this is me.

- [hostage] Yeah. - Cool?

So, um, do you give me consent to ask you questions?

[incredulously] Yes, it’s an interrogation.

[woke cop] Yeah, sorry, I just realised in the process of me asking um,

you for consent by asking you a question in which you answered

is in fact obviously a question in itself

[hostage groans] Ohh! So annoying! Just get to the point.

[woke cop] I'm sorry mate just tracking back via my mistake,

I didn’t mean to trigger you.

An interrogation scene might actually

[hostage] Come on!

[woke cop]force the consent somehow

[hostage] Just ask the fucking question!

Jesus, just ask a question, please! [woke cop] Alright, I'm sorry.

[good cop] You asked for this! [hostage screams]

[man] Look here, Johnson, I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

[child's voice] Well, anyway.

Oh.

Bring the beat back.

[woman] Oh, yes, I remember that.

[man] Yes, I remember that.

[burps]

[funky beat playing]

[distant cheering and yelling]

[indistinct radio chatter]

[crackles]

[light music]

[doctor] Good morning!

We’re going to be doing the clinical trial for Prafaffoline 40+.

It’s gonna be the, ah, new frontier in pain relief.

As per usual, we’re going to be dividing into two groups.

Some will be getting the placebo

and the other half will be getting the actual product. Lucky. Yes?

Sorry, um, what’s a placebo?

[doctor] Ah, sometimes if you think you've taken pain relief when you haven’t,

the brain tricks you into making the pain go away.

That’s why we incorporate a placebo into the trial

to make sure Prafaffoline 40+

is outstripping the pesky old power of the mind.

[doctor] So, thanks to Prafaffoline,

we can all push through those screen headaches, RSI and get back to work.

And this has some great new ingredients which personally, I'm

[Aussie bro] Sorry. Sorry to interrupt. [doctor] That’s okay.

Trying to get my head around the placebo thing.

So the the benchmark that measures the effectiveness of that product

is whether it out-performs

the power

of the mind?

[doctor] Yeah, but what the power of the mind doesn't have is

Prafaffoline’s latest quantum targeting formula.

So maybe let’s focus on that.

Let’s, ah, divvy up into those groups. [chuckles]

[doctor] Okay, so it’s gonna be random.

[doctors voice drifting off] You're not gonna know, okay,

and we’ll have some assistants coming in

Can I please go in the placebo group?

No, no. You see, if you know which group you're in,

it defeats the whole purpose of the

[Aussie bro] But why would I take that when I could have fucking mind powers?

[doctor] Well. [Aussie bro] Are you serious?

Is that not fucking blowing your mind?

Let’s ground ourselves, okay

That’s You're on the edge of something great here.

We’re not here to explore the placebos.

I mean, why are we pouring time and energy into this

existential bandaid?

[choral music]

Everyone, listen. I can see it now. We cause the pain.

Don’t you see? This stuff doesn't happen in the wild.

You've never seen a dolphin with a screen headache,

or a gazelle with bad posture.

We should stop worshipping productivity above our health.

We are one with the natural world.

We are beautiful spirits that have power over these meat sacks we call bodies.

We have infinite potential. I'm seeing a greater truth

[Choral music ends abruptly]

And, ah this Pharmanotex product is called Shushtemine.

It’s a handy shot of calm that quiets down those anxious thoughts

when your mind has pierced the veil.

[light music] [doctor] Let’s get back to it.

Prafaffoline 40+. Who hates it when pain stops them being endlessly productive?

[Aussie bro gasps] [man]Yeah.

[Chopsticks on piano plays]

[tense music]

[good cop] Woke Cop might not have cracked you,

but you won’t like this.

No.

[phone chimes]

Messaging Cop.

[hostage] What were you doing July 19th?

Have you.. oh, thank you very much.

[hostage] I'll never say.

[message sends]

[hostage breathes heavily and chuckles defiantly]

Oh, he’s replying. That’s good.

Ah, little speech bubbles are long message.

[chuckles] Still going.

Oh, now it’s gone.

[sinister sounds] But where’s the where’s the reply?

I saw the bubble but there was no reply.

Did he not hit send or I mean, why would he type all that time

Oh, right, bubble’s back. Yay!

[sinister sounds continue]

Bubble’s gone.

But there’s still no reply.

Who does that?

[anguished cry]

What is wrong with people? I mean

he knows I can see him typing so why does he leave me hanging?

And if it’s a long message, why don’t you send it in chunks?

You're really pissing me off now!

[hostage lets out an anguished cry]

[hostage] Oh, bubble’s back.

[anguished cry]

[electro music]

[crashes]

[electronic data noises]

[Megan] Alright you mob, here’s the deal.

[Megan] Mining companies have obtained legal permission

to destroy over a hundred ancient Aboriginal sites

and now will be bulldozing this birthing tree.

sacred of both name and place.

[Garret] Fucken hell, another one?

Why’d they bulldoze the other sacred tree?

To build a road that would speed up commuter time by two minutes.

[Audrey] Two minutes?

If I wanna get somewhere earlier, I leave earlier.

I don’t blow things up.

[light jazz music]

[Megan] Back to the tree.

How do we get people to listen?

[jaunty music]

Yeah, we get a statue of a famous racist, put it right next to the tree,

then they’ll never cut it down.

And I think it’ll probably get 24-hour police protection, too.

[Audrey] Ooh! White people love big things, don’t they?

There’s The Big Prawn, The Big Banana, The Big Captain Cook,

the big colonisation.

350-year-old tree, frack its dick off! Massive novelty tree, now that’s culture.

Oh my ancestors, I've got it!

So this is the Elephant Café in Edinburgh.

Now, it’s considered almost hallowed ground,

just because J.K. wrote parts of Harry Potter there.

[Milo] And look at this.

Bestselling author John Blakesmith has nearly finished his next book

from his Forgotten Warlock series!

[John Blakesmith] I haven’t done anything!

[upbeat music]

[tyres screeching] [John Blakesmith] Please let me out!

[upbeat music continues]

[John Blakesmith] What are you doing?

[John Blakesmith] Please, please don’t!

[John Blakesmith] Please! What? Who are you? What do you want?

You will finish writing the Forgotten Wedlock story here.

Warlock?

Whatever.

And it will top every bestseller list.

But Forgotten Warlock 2, The Rise of the Wizard Son only made it to number three.

Well then there’s much work to be done.

[dramatic music]

Yeah.

[dramatic music continues]

[John Blakesmith] Thank you.

[John Blakesmith] She grabbed his staff,

the purple tip throbbing with magic energy.

Arched backs, glistening with sweat,

in synchronised grinding, like dew drops on the first morning of spring.

‘The magic potion only works if you're naked’ said Thrombo the Goblin.

Just like his magic, his loins were on fire.

Glistening loins.

[sighs]

-[Megan] What, you're, you're done? - [John Blakesmith]Yep.

But this is just barely legal wizards, in nudity, in a bathtub.

Yep, the plebs just wolf that guff right down.

[Megan]Alert the media.

[dramatic music]

Yes, that’s right

Author John Blakesmith has just finished the last of his Forgotten Warlock novels,

The Realm Hunter’s Tryst, a real page-turner I can tell you,

here at this sacred birthing tree.

[Megan] Cheers!

Amazing work, team.

Thanks to us, the birthing tree, sacred of both name and place,

will live on for a long time to come.

[Reporter] Once slated for destruction to make way for a road

that would speed up commute times by 34 seconds,

it’s now being hailed as a heritage site by the Prime Minister,

who’s also announced it’s soon to be renamed

The Forgotten Warlock Tree.

[Megan and Garrett] Dumb dogs.

[Reporter] A real happy story there to round out the day.

[spy themed music]

[good cop shouting] You're really pissing me off now!

[tense music]

Bring in

Open Mic Cop.

[gameshow themed music] [open mic cop] Thanks, Chief.

Interrogation room, how are you feeling?

Huh?

Let’s get that applause going for all the cops you've seen tonight.

Ah now mate, where have you hidden the evidence, you know?

God, this is awkward.

Seriously, do do you know what evidence I'd really like to find?

[hostage] Please, no. [sobbing]

Where’s the clitoris, right?

- [comedy horn blasts] - [hostage] That's so hack!

You know? Like if women wanted an orgasm, why’d they make it so hard to find?

[hostage] This is torture, stop it.

[open mic cop] Huh? What’d you do?

I'll tell you everything.

There’s an offshore account in the Caymans. I'll tell

[Gameshow music]

- [open mic cop] Yes! - [good cop] Oh-ho!

[open mic cop] Everything? So where is the clitoris?

[hostage wails]

[electro music]

[narrator] On this season of Who Wants To Fuck A Television?

Nine eager lovebirds travel to TV Island

to win the heart of someone special.

Meet John. He’s an old dog with new tricks.

Meet smiling assassin, Gracie.

[Gracie] I'm here, no fear, and I'm not afraid to play dirty.

[narrator] There’s good girl Jordan.

Yeah, I'm not really sure how I got here.

[narrator] Meet bad boy Larry!

I'm gonna fuck that television.

Good day everyone!

[narrator] And host Zak is back!

It's time for some of you to enjoy

a "Together Moment".

Love is in the air during the Together Moments.

So, how do you like to let off steam?

[Gracie] I think I'm getting somewhere, and the television is really responding

to my vibe.

Indecisive little minx. Needs a strong man to make a few tough decisions around here.

- [dramatic music] - [narrator] Tensions run high

in the first selection ceremony.

So now the TV will decide who goes through to Day 2.

[Larry] The TV might actually want me to fuck it.

[contestant] I'm the underdog. Sometimes that’s a positive.

[dramatic music continues]

[TV screams]

[awkward silence]

[Zak Kane] Okay. Unfortunately, that means none of you have been chosen.

- [champagne cork pops] - [polite clapping]

[contestant]

[Larry] So we just wait and try again tomorrow?

Yeah.

[Gracie] What if it chooses no one tomorrow?

Then we just keep going.

[narrator] Ouch! No dice from the TV

But week 11 brings challenges galore.

Welcome to our first Brunch Challenge.

[John] It’s three in the afternoon.

[whistle blows]

[narrator] Everything on the line.

[Larry] Alright, wait, so are we s'posed to eat the brunch,

or make a new brunch using these elements?

[Zak Kane] Why would you assemble a new brunch?

[dramatic music] [narrator] Hold onto your remotes

as the contestants are thrown a curveball.

Wait, isn’t that the television?

[Zak Kane] Whoever still has the rice over their heads

when the sun goes down gets fifty tribe points!

Do we live in tribes now?

Do we still have to eat the brunch?

[narrator] John hits the Diary Room for yet another complaint.

They’ve closed all the ports, so can’t leave.

Don’t really know what's going on.

[narrator] I think John needs the wambulance.

[narrator] There was some quality time in the great outdoors.

[dance music]

We just had to do a 9-hour silent disco,

while the TV dropped livestock on us from a helicopter

- [Gracie screams] - [Larry] Oh, fuck!

[Larry] and released wasps on us.

[Gracie] Are they hornets?

[Larry] Oh, fuck!

[dance music continues]

I don't even know anymore. I don't know what this fucken television wants.

[sobbing] What’s it gonna take to fuck this television?

[ethereal music]

New day, same Gracie.

I found Larry and John’s bodies in a shallow grave.

I now understand that I may never leave this place.

A series of senseless challenges in a world without rules.

I'm slowly coming to the realisation that

[sobbing] No one is gonna fuck that TV.

[Zak Kane] Oh!

Oh God, that was amazing.

[narrator] Whoa, no one saw that coming!

Call you later, yeah?

[narrator] Looks like the host Zak fucked the TV.

What?

[narrator] But don't cry for Gracie.

She's the new star of "Who Want's To Fuck A Television"

"In Paradise".

[screams]

[♪ "Auld Lang Syne" ♪]

[camera flash]

[suspenseful music]

[M] 007, we’ve just caught one Stavrick Varatanga.

He’s the only one who can disarm the warheads.

Millions of lives are at stake and remember,

he’s bloody cunning, so for Christ’s sake, stay alert, Bond.

[door buzzes]

[footsteps echo]

[ sinister background music]

[Bond] Fancy seeing you here.

Are you ready to tell us those nuclear codes?

Have you ever heard of

[phone chimes and vibrates]

[Varatanga] You might want to put that on silent.

What I'm about to say, you won’t want any distraction.

Trust me

I'm always listening.

Have you ever heard of

the white ant, Mr Bond?

These ants, they’re utterly devoted to the Queen.

They will never have any children.

Very much like you, Mr Bond.

Each day they consume wood, nibbling away, being very careful

[suspenseful music continues]

to not weaken the structure.

[Bond] Hmm.

Boom.

[silence]

Why have you stopped speaking?

Well, You weren’t listening to me.

Only to the untrained eye.

Well tell me the last thing I just said.

- The last thing? - Yes

Well the ant, the white ant

are like

children?

Oh come on, what the

What?

What could be more important than my monologue?

It’s M and Q, they’re

This is not something that you could have told them later?

You must respect the sanctity of the present moment.

The white ants. Do go on, Stavrick Varatanga.

Or should I say

The Atomic King?

Yeah.

[Varatanga] So these ants, they eat one piece of wood at a time.

And they can perceive tension, never compromising the structure.

[Bond] Yes.

But you and your empire do not perceive this tension

and it will come collapsing down on all of us!

[suspenseful music continues]

So maybe it is you that is the villain.

[Bond] Exactly.

[typing clicks]

IOkay.

I love to slather my balls in fish paste,

dunking them into a tank filled

with little crabs.

[Bond] God, totally, yes.

The disarming code of the atomic weapon is CX4119-Gamma.

[Bond] I couldn’t agree more.

Oh, fuck me! Come on.

God, this is fucking unbelievable.

- typing continues] - [tense music builds]

You're trapped, Mr Bond. You're trapped.

[Bond] Mm-hmm.

Trapped in the constant hybrid of the liminal in-between.

I've had enough. I'm done. I've had enough.

[tense music]

[Bond] Well, if I'm a white ant then you're

Oh, fuck.

- [footsteps echo] - [phones click]

[tense music continues]

[guard giggles]

[guard] Oh yeah

[Varatanga] I mean, seriously.

- [door unlocks] - [alarm sounds]

[guard] Ooh!

[spy themed music]

[gunshot]

[woman] Oh, yes, I remember that.

[man] Yes, I remember that.

[funky theme music continues]

[indistinct overlapping chatter]

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