Original subtitles

[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love boat theme"]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, like sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat.

Soon we'll be making another run.

The love boat.

Promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love!

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

Counting heads, Mr. Washington.

No, sir. Tips.

[Laugh]

They look like a fun-loving crowd.

Yes.

Oh.

Who belongs to this?

"An analysis of non-euclidean geometry in dio--

diophantine equations."

Someone brought a little light reading for the cruise.

Oh, that's mine.

I must have dropped it.

It looks like difficult reading.

Oh, I hope not.

Since I'm the one who wrote it.

Oh.

Well, it does look fascinating.

Isaac: Yeah.

Don't ruin it for me by telling me the ending.

I promise.

Carol, hi.

Julie.

Hey.

Hello.

Oh, captain stubing, Isaac Washington, I

want you meet Carol ketay.

We've already met.

Professor ketay.

Carol was the biggest brain to ever graduate from Haley high.

Are you still working at that think tank?

Mhm.

Think tank.

That's where people work together

to solve difficult problems.

Right.

Isaac: Oh, that's like when the crew gets

together to work things out.

The only difference is our think tank usually runs on empty.

[Laughter]

Sometimes ours runs on empty too,

but we're smart enough not to let anybody find out.

See you later.

Bye.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Are you all right?

It's all right.

Yeah.

I hope we have nice weather for the cruise.

Oh, we should.

The synoptic readings indicate that the barometric pressure

should continue to hold, and we've

had little barometric variance.

That's great.

That's great.

Well, uh, so long.

That's a very impressive young lady.

Yeah.

Her only problem is she's so smart that she

sometimes scares men off.

Well, thank goodness you don't have to worry about that.

I won't fight you for her, captain.

I know she's your type.

She may not be my type, but she

does happen to be my passenger.

Hello.

I'm Mrs. Gertrude Benson, and I wonder if--

are you with the ship?

Welcome aboard, Mrs. Benson.

I'm captain stubing, and this is Dr. Bricker.

How do you do?

How do you do?

I wonder if you could tell me how to get to promenade 342.

Not only can I tell you how to get to your cabin,

it will be my personal pleasure to escort you.

Hold it! Hold it!

Just a second here.

This happens to be a married lady you're mauling here,

my wife.

Now, you just keep your filthy lecherous mitts to yourself.

You're going to wind up with a knuckle sandwich.

I was just going to show her to her cabin.

You were going to what?

I was just going to show her to--

listen to me, sailor boy, and listen good, huh?

You lay your hand on this lady again--

I catch you taking just a sneaky peek in her direction,

you're going to wind up shark bait.

Now, just a moment, sir.

That goes for you too, four-eyes.

Come on, toots.

Degenerates.

Like I said, I won't fight you for her.

You can set the bags right down here please.

Oh, si, senora.

Thank you.

Hello.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hello.

Floyd and Alice gaines, and son Keith.

Hi, Keith.

Hi.

Hey, would you like to look around while we check in?

- Sure, dad. - Ok.

Let's see, gaines.

Hi.

Oh, hi, kid.

If I'm a kid, you must have been traveling

on the senior citizen discount.

But you sure look young for your age.

Did you have a face lift or something?

Who are you?

I'm the captain's daughter, Vicki.

Captain's daughter.

Could you show me some secret parts of the ship later?

Of course.

Man (on pa): Last call.

All visitors ashore please.

All visitors ashore.

[Horn blaring]

Hi, Isaac.

Hi.

Tell me has Carol been sitting by herself all afternoon?

Nah.

I think she's been walking by herself for most of it.

That's no way to spend a vacation.

I think she's about to reel in a live one.

Oh, good old doc.

Hi.

Writing a letter home?

Daily crossword.

Crossword.

I'm a crossword freak.

Mind if I help.

Not at all.

Hm.

I need a five letter for kerf.

Kerf.

With a k? - Right.

Notch.

Right.

Notch.

Ok.

Another five letter word for obsidian.

Obsidian.

Obsidian.

Look.

Why don't I let you do this alone?

You wouldn't have any fun if I gave you all the answers.

Excuse me.

Got it. Glass.

Glass. Right.

Aren't you glad I didn't tell you?

If she can discourage doc, she's

going to be mighty lonely.

You're lucky.

This whole ship is yours.

Well, not quite.

Even though my father's the captain, I can't just say, dad,

can I borrow the ship tonight?

Hey, can we go in there?

Don't you see the sign?

It says "positively no admittance."

I know.

There's never anything interesting

in a room with a sign that says, "come in and look around."

Come on.

I thought I was supposed to be showing you around the ship.

(Whispering) We shouldn't be here.

Well, we're here now.

I have an idea.

If we leave now, we won't be here now.

This is fun.

It's like an adventure.

Well--

come on.

[Clatter]

[Whimper] Was that you?

No.

I thought it was you.

It wasn't me.

But if you hear teeth chattering, that's me.

Hi, gang.

Gopher.

Gopher, you see that girl over there?

Yeah.

Listen.

She's really very nice, and she's an old friend of mine.

And I'd really appreciate it--

say no more.

You want me to charm her, right?

Give her some kicks.

Put a thrill on her otherwise humdrum life?

You got it.

Afternoon, miss.

Burl Smith at your service, assistant purser and a pisces.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Carol ketay.

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't tell me.

Legal secretary, right?

Uh. No.

Beautician?

Uh, no.

Ah, wait a minute, dental technician.

Nuclear physicist.

More power to you.

She's getting better.

He lasted two seconds longer than doc.

It's so dark.

Can you see?

No.

But we'll get used to it.

I'm scared.

There's nothing to be scared of.

[Clatter]

What are you doing here?

Who are you?

I am--

I am Luis.

He carried our luggage on the ship.

I'll bet he's a stowaway.

I want to go to Mexico to see my mother.

Please don't tell on me.

Don't worry.

Nobody's gonna tell on you.

Will we?

My father's the captain.

I can't hide a stowaway from my father.

Oh, excuse me, miss.

You're getting pretty red.

You can get a nasty burn if you don't use lotion.

Oh, doctor.

Thank you, but I do have lotion.

All right. Great.

Great. Use it.

Oh, doctor.

If you don't mind, I can't quite reach the backs of my legs.

Well, I'm sure Mr. Benson would prefer doing it.

But he's not here.

He isn't?

Oh.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, where is he?

He's on the fantail, skeet shooting.

[Gunshot]

Oh.

You touch that lady again, you're gonna need a doctor.

[Gunshots]

And so it is hereby decreed that the three mortal beings

here assembled do solemnly swear to take this blood oath

and remain steadfast friends throughout their entire lives.

Do we really have to seal our friendship in blood?

A simple handshake won't do?

With blood we're blood brothers.

With a handshake we're only handshake brothers.

Now give me your pin.

Everybody hold out your fingers.

[Wince]

We got to get Luis something to eat.

How we gonna do that?

Leave it to me.

Gopher.

What?

Have you seen Carol?

Oh, well, gee.

Isn't she in her room splitting an atom bomb or something?

Julie, why didn't you tell me that she

is a nuclear physicist?

What difference would that have made?

Oh, heck none.

I just would have brushed up on my latest

copy of science comics.

Gee.

Poor Carol.

Can you imagine me feeling sorry for her?

Kinda like daffy duck feeling sorry for Einstein.

[Inaudible]

Excuse me, gopher.

Hi.

Hi.

This certainly is a beautiful ship.

Yeah.

You're really having a good time.

I can tell.

I wanted a rest.

Yeah.

Well, part of my job is to make sure

that all the passengers are enjoying

themselves, so come on.

Where?

Well, no questions.

Just come on.

No napkin.

Thank you.

Here, dad.

You have to have some of this French bread.

Why?

Is it especially good this evening?

Well, no.

It's just that I think you look so much better since you've

gained so much weight.

[Mumbling] No thank you.

Vicki, what happened to your finger?

Oh, it's nothing.

You know, paper cut.

Keith, what happened to your finger?

Um.

I cut myself too.

Paper cut.

Really?

You mean you both cut yourself with paper

in the exact same place?

That's very strange.

We did it on the xerox machine.

Two copies.

You all right?

Oh, yes.

I'm all right.

Why do you ask?

You suddenly stopped smiling.

And I was just telling Keith how happy you seem lately,

which really proves fat people really are jolly.

[Laughter]

[Clears throat] I'm really not very hungry this evening.

Here.

Let me just take that back to the kitchen

and get it out of your way.

May I be excused?

I wouldn't want a young lady to have

to carry a heavy plate of food like that all by herself.

Oh no.

Not this table.

Please. - Who?

Not him. No.

Who?

Who?

Is this table 17?

Yes.

No.

Table 17.

Right.

Oh.

Allow me, my gem.

Thank you, sweetheart.

There you are.

Thank you.

It's ok.

- Good evening. - Evening.

Evening.

Menus.

Oh my goodness.

What an extensive menu.

How will I ever decide, darling?

I'd be happy to make a suggestion to madame.

Oh, would you?

Huh?

Well, knock it off, hash-slinger.

The woman belongs to me.

I'm the only guy that makes suggestions.

You got it?

Yes, sir.

And keep your thumb out of my soap.

Perhaps, a little filet mignon for my pretty little filly,

huh?

I don't know about steak, dear.

Um.

Huh?

What do you recommend, doctor?

Ah, I would recommend you ask gopher.

All right.

What would you suggest?

Well, the stuffed breast looks good.

You little punk.

I meant the veal.

The stuffed breast of veal.

Veal, huh?

Yeah.

Sure you did.

I ought to belt you right in the chops, you little nerd.

Come on, precious.

We'll dine in our cabin.

Oh, all right.

Creeps.

That's the last time I have dinner with a vip.

Vip?

Violently insane paranoid.

This is going to be a knock out on you.

Oh, come on, Julie.

The dress I have on is perfectly nice.

It's comfortable, and it's just been pressed.

You're talking comfortable.

I'm talking sexy.

Well, the only way you're going

to get a man with that dress is if you tie him up in it.

So who told you I wanted a man?

Carol, you're talking to me, Julie McCoy.

The girl who had to unstick your head from the transom

above the boys locker room.

We were kids then.

And now that we're all grown up,

we never think about men, do we?

Well, I admit that there are moments

when visions of the male animal do invade my thoughts.

You mean sometimes you are hot to trot?

You have a way with words, don't you?

That's the trouble isn't it?

I mean I'm just not good at social situations.

I'm not good at small talk.

I'm not.

Well, I think that's because your small talk

goes over most people's head.

It's just the curse of having an IQ of 150.

160.

What do you want me to do?

Have a lobotomy?

No.

But I think we could face facts.

Right now, you talk smart, but you dress dumb.

I suggest we reverse the process.

Dress smart.

Talk dumb?

I think it'll work.

Luis.

Gracias. Gracias.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

I was so hungry.

Gracias.

Hey, Luis, we're all blood brothers.

Blood brothers don't have to thank each other.

That's right.

We just bleed for each other.

My mother will be so surprised to see me.

How long has it been since you've seen her?

Long time.

Since I came to California to live with my uncle.

Well, you'll see your mother soon.

I dreamed of going back to Mexico

and bringing my mother wonderful presents.

But maybe she'll be satisfied with just me.

Maybe your mother can have you and the presents.

Oh, good evening, captain.

Good evening, Mrs. Benson.

Where's your husband?

I'm about to meet Milton in the, um, acapulco lounge.

Oh, please. Allow me.

It's on the riviera deck.

Oh.

Oops my watch.

Thank you.

No.

Don't go.

I'm stuck on you.

What?

What was that you said to my wife?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Benson, but--

listen, skippy.

How'd you like to have an anchor stuck up your nose, huh?

Come on, ginger.

Let's you and me go and do a little cheek to cheek.

Hey, buzz off, bellhop.

Before you start your own dead sea.

[Fabric rips]

Sick.

Uh.

Hey, what's the matter with you guys?

Instead of just standing around doing nothing,

you could be having a great time with Julie's friend Carol.

Oh yeah.

Think of the fun you can have with a logarithm table.

Please.

I've had my share of mercy dates.

Mhm.

Mercy date.

Mercy, mercy, mercy.

Well, hi, Carol.

Great to see you again, miss ketay.

You'll excuse us, guys.

We'd rather not mingle with the hired help.

Carol.

How about it, baby?

I do a mean rumba.

It's too bad they're playing a bossa nova.

Can't you hear that complex of asymmetrical rhythm

superimposed over four-four beat?

That's very interesting.

Let me write that down before I forget it.

Yeah.

Carol, you're forgetting t-d, talk dumb.

Excuse me.

Um.

This may sound a little corny, but have we met before?

Before what?

Uh.

Would you like to dance?

Alone?

No.

No.

With me.

Oh.

Yes.

Oh, excuse me.

Could you help me please?

My door doesn't seem to shut properly.

Oh.

Of course.

Aren't you Mrs. Benson, whose husband is such a--

devoted man?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

But he's in the casino now.

Oh.

Well, in that case, uh, I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

Besides, he's no good at mechanical things.

Except guns of course.

Guns?

He manufactures them.

[Knocking]

(Whispering) I can't get it open.

What are we gonna do?

Oh, what are we going to do?

Is that you in there, [inaudible]??

Yes, dear.

Oh no.

I don't want to die.

Oh.

Hey.

Hello.

You, uh-- you're all alone.

Aren't you?

I thought I heard voices.

Voices?

[Giggle] No, sweetheart.

I'm all alone.

Yes.

Oh, don't-- don't shut the door.

No.

The um-- handle-- the knob came off.

Yeah.

Huh.

Well, why don't you just go let the maintenance know,

my dumpling.

Oh, I didn't think of that.

You can handle those little jerks.

Yes, dear.

Sure you can.

Mrs. Benson: What are you going to do?

I'm just going to take a shower.

No, no, no. Stop.

What? Why?

Mrs. Benson: Turn it off. - Why?

What's wrong?

The purser just phoned, and there's an emergency.

There's, um, a terrible shortage of water.

Turn off the water.

There's a shortage of water, and you're not going

to be able to take a shower. - What?

No.

Not until tomorrow.

Well, this some lousy cruise we're on.

Oh, certainly is.

Yes.

Ship's falling apart.

Yeah.

The crew's a bunch of sex fiends.

Here we are in the middle of the ocean, and we run out of water.

I know.

It's just so stupid.

I agree with you, sweetheart.

Did you really play college football?

Yeah.

I was a wide receiver.

Oh.

You must have lost a lot of weight since then.

You know, you're terrific.

And you're so naturally funny that, well, i--

sometimes I forget how incredibly beautiful you are.

I--

aye, aye.

What's that?

(Squeaky voice) Maintenance.

Good night, captain.

You again?

Why don't you get married, pervert?

Pervert?

Hey, where you going?

I got to take care of some business.

Well, what about Luis?

Well, later.

Later.

So things went well last night, huh?

Talk about an understatement.

Hm.

[Giggle] Well, it's great seeing you so happy?

Who do you want to meet today?

Will you hold it a minute?

I'd like to get to know Chris better.

I mean I think we have a lot in common

if I can ever get beyond.

(Sexy voice) To me the two greatest

men of the 20th century are Albert

Einstein and Chuck barris.

And not necessarily in that order.

Well, don't knock it.

Talking dumb seems to have worked so far.

Morning.

Oh, good morning.

No matter how much you insist, I really must be going.

Td.

Td?

It's short for toodledo.

You know, after I left you last night, i--

I couldn't sleep a wink.

You know why?

You had liver and onions for dinner?

No.

It's you.

You are perfect for my libido.

Oh.

Well, personally I prefer American cars.

Isn't this sun wonderful?

Yeah.

But you know too much sunlight it's--

it's very bad for you.

We should go to someplace where it's shady.

Did you have any place in mind?

Well, my cabin.

That sounds pretty shady.

So much money.

First, I'll buy my mother a pretty dress.

But where'd you get all the money?

Are you kidding?

That's just some loose change I came

across when I was changing from one pair of paints to another.

Boy.

Am I lucky to find a friend like you?

Hey, we're not just friends.

We're blood brothers.

Mr. Gaines, I can't say it's never happened,

but it is rare for money to be stolen

from a passenger's cabin.

You said $200 was taken, sir.

$200 exactly.

You've got a thief on your ship.

Hi.

What's up?

It's nothing that concerns you, honey.

A robbery on ship concerns everybody.

What do you plan to do, captain?

Well, I'm sure you realize that investigating

something like this among the passengers is very delicate.

Well, maybe you better begin by investigating the crew.

Keith: Oh, the crew didn't do it.

Floyd gaines: Hey, how do you know the crew didn't do it?

Well, it's just that the crew seems so nice.

You've raised a very bright son, Mr. Gaines.

He's right.

The crew is nice.

Nice?

I can vouch for the honesty of my crew, Mr. Gaines.

Don't worry.

We'll find the guilty party.

Ah, this looks like a nice spot, darling.

All right.

Uh-huh.

A little sun and salt air.

Yes.

Oh, you always-- always pick the perfect place.

[Chuckle] What a woman.

Not only gorgeous but grateful as well.

Oh, milty.

There you are, my treasure.

[Groan]

Ooh.

Oh no, no, no, my sweetness.

Huh?

Cover up.

Got to cover up.

The form divine is not for these swine.

Oh.

Now, on the high seas a body like yours

would drive men stark raving mad.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Ahh, snoopy doo.

Ah, sneaking a little peak were you?

Huh?

I caught you.

I caught you.

You slimy swab jockeys are all alike.

A bunch of peeping Toms.

Yeah. Go on.

Go on. Run along.

You should be up there steering that barge.

You know, popeye.

Just take two aspirins and call me anytime you want.

Adam.

Adam, you've got to give me something for my nerves.

This morning Mr. Gaines accused one of the crew of stealing.

And after that, Mr. Benson accused me of playing

around with his wife.

You don't have to tell me anything about Mr. Benson.

The nut mistook me for a skeet.

That man's insane, isn't he?

Well, he's just very jealous about his wife.

Both: Insane.

He should be in a straitjacket.

Merrill, why don't you go into my examination room?

Take your clothes off.

I'll have a look at you.

Probably all you need is a mild tranquilizer.

[Knocking]

Ugh!

Maybe a strong tranquilizer.

Doctor, I think I've broken out with a rash.

No.

It's just a sunburn.

I warned you.

Well, it doesn't look just like a sunburn.

It looks exactly like a sunburn.

Look.

Here.

Take this ointment, and call me in the morning.

Well, aren't you going to examine me?

Look. It's all over.

[Knocking]

Mr. Benson: You in there, Trudy?

You're right.

It's all over.

If he's hiding in there, he's a dead duck.

Let's get started.

[Gasp]

[Mock gasp]

Now, wait.

I can explain.

What?

You too, butcher boy?

Wh-- what is this?

An orgy?

Now, listen.

I'm a doctor.

Your wife came to see me because of a rash.

Oh, sure, sure.

So what's the head monkey doing here?

We'll, he's here for a checkup.

No.

No, doctor.

No explanations.

For the last time, Mr. Benson, I am not running after your wife.

I am trying to run this ship.

Hm.

In the nude, snoop?

Huh?

A little massage time? - No.

Please, Milton. No violence.

You promised. - All right.

I know.

Sorry.

Yes, I promised.

And I kept it twice with--

yes, dear.

If I catch these two mutts sniffing around you again, i--

I'm not going to responsible for my actions.

- Yes, dear. - Come on, Trudy.

Yes, dear.

Yes.

Mongrels.

I think I'll take that tranquilizer now.

Get in line.

Let me get the light first.

There we go.

Sideways.

Oh, right.

Thank you.

You ok?

Yep.

Oh, gopher, thank you so much for helping

me carry these cushions.

I never could have done it by myself.

Hey, listen, Julie, we're shipmates.

You don't have to thank me.

Just remember you owe me, right?

All right.

Gopher, look.

There's food down here.

Yeah.

That's strange.

Candy wrappers on the floor.

And here's some cheese.

Where?

Right here.

Hey, wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.

Here's the little mouse.

Who are you?

What's your name? - What's your name?

Come on. We won't hurt you.

I promise. - Don't be afraid.

Everything's all right. - We won't hurt you.

What's your name?

Do you really have to leave now?

Well, it'll be time for dinner soon.

Besides, I think we've had enough shade.

[Laugh] You're really something.

You know that.

I'm-- I'm going to miss you, Carol.

Am I going somewhere?

No.

I mean after the cruise.

But Los Angeles and Phoenix aren't that far apart.

I mean we'll see each other all the time.

We'll see each other some of the time?

We'll never see each other.

Carol, you're a wonderful lady.

I like you.

I really do.

You're sweet.

You're romantic.

But I have to be honest with you.

I need more than that.

I mean for a lasting relationship, a man and a woman

need to talk about more important things than--

than just the moon.

You mean you think i'm not smart enough for you?

Well, i--

you mean you think I'm dumb?

Look.

Why don't we have have a real nice dinner?

Why don't you go sit on it?

$180.

$200.

Well, captain, I really must commend you for finding

the stolen money so quickly.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I never stole anything ever.

I'm not a thief.

Tell me, son.

Did you have this money with you when you brought

our luggage on board ship?

No.

Thank you, captain.

[Sigh]

Captain, look at that face.

He isn't guilty.

No way.

Where did you get the money, Luis?

I can't tell you that.

Why can't you tell me that?

Because I can't tell you why I can't tell you.

Ugh.

I have blood brothers.

I swear to them.

Where'd you get the band-aid?

I'll tell you what, Luis.

You're going to have dinner at the captain's table tonight.

Be sure to invite Vicki and the gaines family.

Yes, sir.

I think we'll have some lively conversation.

Gopher (on pa): Good evening.

The ship will remain in acapulco until 12:00 midnight.

For all those not dining ashore there

will be a main seating dinner in the coral dining room.

Can you believe it?

I mean can you actually, genuinely, truly believe this?

Ok.

You proposed to him, but he turned you down.

Well, I mean I didn't get down on one knee

and ask for his hand in marriage,

but the message had to be perfectly clear.

Did he tell you why?

Are you ready for this?

It is because I, professor Carol ketay,

phi bet, summa cum laude, carnegie

fellow, rhodes scholar--

I am too dumb.

You are?

I mean he said that?

Well, he might as well have.

I hate that man.

I hate him.

Seems more to me like you love him.

Who asked you?

You got any ideas?

Yeah.

Since you caught him by talking dumb,

maybe if you want to hold him you should start talking smart.

How is it for a girl with only a b average,

you always have all the right answers?

Good evening.

Good evening.

Shove off, swab jockey.

That seat's taken.

Sweetheart.

Captain.

Mhm.

I-- I really don't understand why we're rehashing

this unpleasantness.

Well, I was just hoping that we could settle this mystery

of someone stealing your $200.

It seems to me that the mystery

was solved a long time ago.

Things aren't always as they seem to appear.

However, in this case, it seems clear that Luis is guilty.

I'm sorry, Luis.

I hate to do it, but right after dinner,

I'm going to have to turn you over

to the acapulco authorities.

I'm sorry.

But the law is the law.

No.

Leave him alone.

Luis didn't take the money.

He didn't.

Keith, Keith, that's enough.

Now, son, the boy is guilty.

He's going to have to take his punishment.

But don't you understand?

I did it.

Me, I'm the thief.

Keith.

Not so fast, young lady.

You also have some explaining to do.

Sit down.

Keith, you know how I hate dishonesty, don't you?

Yes, sir.

Well, son, it was not only dishonest for Luis to steal

my money, you see, but it was also

dishonest for you to try to protect

him by saying you took it.

Your father's right, Keith.

But I must say I like you trying to protect your friend.

But I wasn't trying to protect him.

I did take the money for Luis to buy his mother presents.

We have everything, and they've got nothing.

[Sigh]

I understand.

But the way you went about it was wrong, son.

But you did it to help somebody.

I'm very proud of you for that.

The way it ended up I really didn't help anybody at all.

Well, you know, if we took that $200 and we bought Luis'

mother some presents, maybe we'd all be helping each other, huh?

Uh, captain.

Oh, yes, Isaac.

Uh, I don't want to worry you or anything,

but Mr. Benson is looking for you.

Thank you, Issac.

You just worried me.

Oh, hello, Adam.

Say, would you like to come to my cabin for a game of chess?

Oh, thanks, merrill, but I was planning

to turn in early tonight. - Yeah.

Me too.

Just a quick game.

A quick game of chess?

It's an order.

(Sexy voice) Isn't that big old moon pretty tonight?

Carol, I'm sorry.

I feel terrible about what I said to you this afternoon.

I fell more terrible about how I said it.

It's not as if I thought you were dumb.

I didn't mean that.

Oh, I know you didn't mean I was dumb.

You just didn't mean I was smart.

At least, not smart enough for you.

No, no, no, not exactly.

I understand, Chris.

In the time we spent together, I did talk about moonlight a lot.

However, I didn't tell you everything

I know about the moon.

For instance, um, the moon is the closest

celestial body to the earth at a mean distance of 238,857 miles.

As you well know, the moon revolves

around the earth in 27 days, seven hours, and 43 minutes.

And is visible due to reflection of solar radiation.

Now, three different theories have been advanced

as to the moon's origin.

Independent formation, formation via fission of the earth's

surface, and captured by the earth's gravitational field

after formation elsewhere.

Now, would you like to hear about the sun?

Yes.

Every morning as it comes up.

I'd like to hear that for the rest of my life.

Would you?

It's really getting late, merrill.

I better turn in. - Oh no.

You can't.

I mean, I mean, sure, Adam.

Sure.

Whenever you want.

It's just that-- well, haven't you ever had one of those

nights where you just don't want to be alone?

Yeah, but then I usually hit on girls.

So good night, merrill.

No, Adam.

You can't leave me!

Now, this wouldn't have anything to do

with Milton Benson, would it?

Whatever do you mean by that?

[Knocking]

Gopher: Sirs, are you ok?

It's gopher and Isaac.

[Clears throat]

- Good evening. - Yes.

Please, please. Come in.

Come in.

I thought you were that maniac Benson.

Oh, we thought we'd check on you, because we

were worried about you. - Yes.

Well, I appreciate your loyalty.

But the four of us together, there's nothing he can do.

[Knocking]

Mr. Benson: You in there, captain?

(Womanly voice) Wrong cabin.

(Whispering) In.

(Whispering) Let him in.

(Whispering) Let him in.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Good evening. How are you?

Good to see you.

- You're all here, huh? - Yes.

We're all here. - Here we are.

Well, that's good.

That's good.

Because I got something for you.

[Shouting]

Believe me.

Believe me, Mr. Benson.

No one here ever made an advance to your wife.

I know that.

Then, then, why have you been acting like a madman?

Acting.

That's the key word, captain.

You see that woman means everything to me.

The most wonderful, thoughtful woman in the world.

Nothing she wouldn't do for me, the greatest wife a man ever

had.

But you know, I know she's not exactly

a raving beauty anymore.

You know, a little over the hill.

They don't call her to be queen of the may.

So that's why I put on that crazy jealous act, you see.

Makes her feel like the most beautiful

attractive woman in the world.

Then, why are you holding a gun?

Huh?

The gun!

The gun.

Yeah.

Benson 32 automatic.

It's the top of the line that I manufacture.

I'm giving it to you, captain.

What?

No, no.

No, no.

Just a little gift.

Oh.

To apologize for my outrageous behavior.

All right.

All the trouble I caused on the cruise.

Well, thank you.

Thank you very much, Mr. Benson.

Thank you, captain.

Doc, gopher--

thank you.

Isaac.

Oh, thank you.

Thanks a lot for a wonderful cruise.

Yes.

It was our pleasure, sir.

Our pleasure.

All right.

I bet he had you all scared, didn't he?

Goodbye.

Thank you for everything.

Goodbye, Mr. and Mrs. Gaines.

It was our pleasure.

I'm only sorry you missed seeing Luis and his mother.

She was thrilled with the presents.

We're pleased just hearing about it.

Yes.

We are.

Captain, what about Luis being a stowaway.

Will there be any charges brought against him?

No.

I spoke with him.

He understands what he did was wrong.

Vicki and I are paying his fair.

I'm taking $1 out of her allowance,

and the rest is coming out of my allowance.

Are you going back to the think tank

after you're married?

Of course.

But after a day in the think tank,

now I'll be going home for a night in the hot tub.

Ah, that's what I like.

Clean living.

Thanks for a great cruise.

Ah, you're welcome.

Me too.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

I'm just glad that everything worked out for both of you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess it was just dumb luck.

Oh.

[Laughter]

So long.

Bye bye.

Goodbye, Mrs. Benson.

I hope you enjoyed the cruise. - Oh, I did.

Very much.

Yes, it was wonderful, but before Milton gets here,

I would like to apologize and explain.

You see, my husband is, well, he loves me so much

that he's just crazy with jealousy.

And that's why I purposely make myself look so drab.

Because if I didn't I might attract some man,

and heaven knows what Milton would do.

Yes.

Still trying, huh?

Right to the picture ending.

Come, my darling.

Yes, dear.

Penguins.

Mr. Benson definitely goes in our album of cruise memories.

[Laughing]

[Theme music]

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