Original subtitles

♪ Love...♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you... ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow,♪

♪ it floats back to you... ♪

♪ The love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore yes, love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

♪ ♪

Good afternoon.

Welcome aboard our Valentine's cruise.

Miss McCoy!

Mister Smith!

Captain stubing.

Good afternoon, sir.

You seem very chipper this afternoon.

Well I always enjoy our Valentine's day singles cruise.

Uh-huh...

Ahh, yes.

It's nice to see singles who wanna be couples

instead of couples who wanna be single for a change.

And I have the perfect way to pair them off.

I've hired a matchmaker.

Oh, how quaint.

Do we all sing "hello Dolly" when she comes aboard?

No, sir.

This is a computer.

The passengers fill out cards and then a man feeds them into the computer and bingo!

Boy meets Valentine cruise girl of his dreams.

Ingenious.

I thought so.

Do you have a card for me?

Well, sir, it's just a novelty ice breaker.

You certainly don't need a computer to get a date.

Well, of course not.

I just think that a captain should set an example.

You know, get into the swing of things.

Hm-hmm.

Yes, sir.

I'll put your name on the list.

Oh, that's stubing.

S-t-u-b-i-n...

Right, sir.

I vaguely remember.

Isn't this exciting?

They've got all kinds of activities.

Oh, yes, I see many activities I could be interested in.

Oh, hello.

Are you the ship's photographer?

Oh, no, no.

I'm here for the same thing you are.

The activities?

You got it.

Uh, I'm Betsy carruthers.

Oh, Heather MacKenzie.

Penny Jacobs.

Hello.

Well, they've got lots of interesting things lined up for us, huh?

Oh, they certainly have.

Oh, my dear, will you look at that one.

Hey, Chet.

What's going on?

How are you? Meet Sam.

Hi, Sam. How are you?

I see he brought his cameras.

Well, I just happen to take a few pictures myself.

Ahh, so then you're very at home in the dark room?

Uh, hi.

I'm Adam bricker.

May I have this dance?

What dance?

Well, you know how these single cruises are.

I just wanted to get my bid in first.

I'm flattered.

But the truth is I didn't know this was a singles cruise.

I just came for the sea air and a chance to relax.

At least can I help you to your cabin?

Alex!

Adam.

Adam bricker.

Alex!

I'm sorry.

You must have the wrong person.

How 'bout the fifty cent tour?

That man...He looks exactly like someone I once knew.

Well, there's lots of look-alikes in the world.

I've often been told I look like Clint Eastwood.

Burt Reynolds?

Woody Allen?

Well, they said that they'd switch, so why don't you just go ahead and do it?

Excuse me ma'am, mademoiselle?

Julie: I think it would be fine.

Okay?

[Speaking French] Nous sommes brigitte lablanc et Yvonne boulanger.

Nous ne parlons pas anglais.

Y'a t-il UN interprete francais a bord?

Uh...I'm sorry.

My French is lousy.

Just a minute, please.

Excuse me, gopher?

Could you help, please?

Just a moment.

How's your French?

Beg your pardon?

French?

Ahh...'we are brigitte lablanc...

Brigitte: (Speaks French) Gopher: ...And Yvonne boulanger.

'We do not speak English.

Would it be possible to obtain a French speaking interpreter?' Well, I'll just handle this.

I'm practically bi-lingual.

Really?

Sure.

La plume De man tante est sur le bureau.

What does that mean?

It means, 'my aunt's pen is on the dresser.'

oh, thanks.

Great conversation starter.

Uh, madame...Hello.

Je m'appelle...Gopher.

A votre service.

Service.

Mucho service.

Brigitte/yvonne: (Speak French)

Brigitte/yvonne: (Speak French)

What did they say?

I have no idea.

But it's gonna be fun finding out.

Straight through.

Uh-huh...

Julie: Excuse me.

Oh...hello, doll face.

The name's Julie McCoy.

You must be Nick heider.

Hm-hmm.

Julie: How do you do?

And that must be our computer.

Uh, sir, that is no mere computer.

With that computer I've paired off more couples than Noah and his ark.

And who knows, you might be next.

Mister heider, I just arrange these activities.

I don't participate in them.

Oh, sweetheart, trust me.

Your deepest romantic needs will be fulfilled by this machine.

As a matter of fact, you might even become 'computerman's' Valentine.

Julie: Oh!

Didn't I tell you you were gonna meet him?

Well, maybe he thinks he's 'him', but to me he is ho-hum.

[Ship horn]

And here we are ladies.

Wa-la!

Compliments du capitaine.

Oh, merci!

C'est merveilleux.

Merci beaucoup.

(Speaks French)

Gopher: Um, yes.

So...bon voyage.

Brigitte, oh...

Oui?

...later.

Pardon?

Uh, uh...Till dark.

Vous et moi...

Brigitte: Oui?

Oui...(speaks French) Moonlight... la-la...Um, so...Hasta la vista.

Yvonne: (Speaks French)

Brigitte: (Speaks French)

Gopher: (Speaks French) Maybe tonight, too.

Yeah...

Brigitte/yvonne: (Speaks French) Gopher: Filet mingon.

Brigitte/yvonne: (Speaks French)

Yvonne, I don't know if I can pull this off.

He's so cute I almost started speaking English.

Listen, brigitte, we're not going for cute.

We're after gorgeous.

Well, okay.

But do we have to change nationalities?

American is ordinary.

There's a certain mystique about French girls that drive men crazy.

Believe me, I've tried it and it works.

I told you about Harry the stockbroker I met on last year's cruise.

His name was Ben and it only lasted three weeks.

True.

But diamonds are forever.

And that's what speaking French gets you.

Yvonne, for a rock like that you'd speak Swahili.

True.

Here you are.

Here.

There you go. Now just check off the characteristics

that describe you best and be careful not to crumple the card.

Unless I wanna end up with someone who's folded, bent, spindled or mutilated.

Okay.

You gonna play the computer game?

Oh, I don't think so.

Me neither.

I don't need a machine to get women.

I need a machine to fight them off.

I believe you.

You do?

Did I ever tell you about this swamp land that I have for sale?

I get it.

You're trying to figure out how to ask me to have a mad,

passionate affair with you.

Well, I'm not always right.

Doc, you see the guy in the blue shirt over there?

Aren't they the same man?

Well, there's a strong resemblance.

Good looking guy.

Good looking, bright, talented.

We were a team at an ad agency.

I wrote the lyrics, Alex wrote the music.

You remember the cupid Cologne jingle?

'Make her your own with cupid Cologne'.

Sure.

We wrote that.

We made "cupid" the best selling Cologne in the country.

Millions bought it thinking they'd get instant sex appeal.

I know.

Smell me.

Doc, we were the best.

We had plans.

We were gonna be married, open our own agency.

Then one day, five years ago, Alex disappeared.

I had police and private detectives on the case for months.

When they didn't find him, I assumed...

The worst.

Yeah.

Doc, that's him.

I'd know him anywhere.

Alex?

Hmm?

It's me.

Lilly.

It's nice to meet you, Lilly.

But my name is still Ted.

Ted wilcox.

You look exactly like someone.

Alex Fowler.

Well, Lilly, if he doesn't snow up, it's his loss.

As a matter of fact, I hope he doesn't.

Then maybe we can have dinner together.

Uh...yes, I'd like that.

Okay.

I'll see you then.

Well, they say we all have a twin somewhere.

That's him.

That's Alex.

Come on, he said his name's Ted.

Doc, I loved that man for four years.

My heart knows it's Alex.

Nick: You all set?

Sam: Excuse me.

Is this a two-seventy-two mini-scan?

Well, with some modifications of my own.

Are you into computers?

Uh, I do geophysical research.

I use computers to analyze old fossils.

Yeah, but how does it work on young chicks?

All right, all right.

That's what we're here for.

There you go.

Thank you.

Miss McCoy?

Yes, sir?

Would you describe me as 'commanding' or 'officious'?

Um...

Miss McCoy.

Sir, you're neither.

You're um...Statesman-like.

Oh...so are you.

Thank you, sir.

Well, mister heider, are you just about ready?

It, it's Nick to you, Julie.

Let's just stick to business, okay?

Anything you say, doll face.

May I have your attention, please?

Would everyone just gather around here?

We're about ready to roll.

Over here, by the computer.

Come on.

Oh, thank you, captain.

Yes.

Now, let's make onesomes into twosomes, singles into doubles,

shipmates into cabinmates.

Good idea!

Let's have a happy Valentine cruise.

Here we go.

The first couple is...

Heather MacKenzie...

And...

Daryl matson.

All: Cheering.

What science has brought together, let no man put asunder.

Hi, gorgeous.

Excuse me, one second.

Actually, you're supposed to end up with me, because I lent her my card.

Nick: The second couple is...

Betsy carruthers and... Chet Maxwell.

He's the one I wanted!

Oh, lied again, huh?

No, you don't understand it.

This time I told the truth.

Pardon, m'sieur.

Vous avez du feu?

Huh?

Oh, oh, a light.

Yeah, sure.

Merci.

You're French, right?

Je ne comprends pas, cheri.

I'm crazy about French girls.

Yeah, crazy.

Penny Jacobs

and...sam worth.

Honey, this is your lucky day.

Gopher: (Speaks French)

Yvonne: Gopher.

Excuse me.

Need help?

I'm your man.

Demandez lui quelle est sa profession, si'l vous plait.

Pro-fess-ion, Oui.

She wants to know what Seymour's profession is.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a commodity trader.

Pork bellies, mainly.

Seymour il est UN 'tycoon'.

Tycoon.

Tycoon!

Vraiment?

Tell, tell tier, Yvonne, that I own a yacht that is almost this size.

Whew! Seymour possede UN...

Yacht.

Oui.

You're right.

And the transword for yacht is...Yacht.

Seymour possede UN yacht.

(Speaks French)

Oh...ol-la-la.

Yvonne?

Yvonne?!

(Speaks French) Brigitte.

You know, your friend (speaks French), brigitte.

(Speaks French)

Sure do, yeah.

(Speaks French)

Hello, hello, hello.

Julie McCoy...

Wait a minute.

...and...nick heider.

Well, that about wraps it up, gang. Thank you very much.

And that's why you're a terrific cruise director, miss McCoy.

You join in.

I did not join in, sir.

And I'd like to get my hands on whoever filled out a card with my name on it.

You forgot me.

Oh, captain stubing, I'm sorry.

I've, I've got your card right here.

Captain stubing...

And...and...

Sorry, captain.

Well, they said it was lonely at the top, but this is ridiculous.

Gopher: Ahh, brigitte.

Oh, gopher.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

I mean, je cherche partout pour vows.

Brigitte: (Speaks French) Gopher: (Speaks French)

Gopher, just the guy we need!

Ask brigitte...

Yeah?

...if she'd like to have dinner with my friend Walt here.

That's me.

Right.

Uh, brigitte...Il desire diner avec vous?

Walt: Yeah.

Pourquoi pas?

Yeah...

Pourquoi pas.

Good.

She says she's sorry but she's all booked up.

Sugar daddy: 'Pourquois pas' means that?

Well, French is a very concise language.

She also said that your friend has exceptionally large ears,

feet like an elephant, and a nose that reminds her of a banana.

I, I don't take very kindly to that.

Not very kindly.

Oh, Walt, Walt, wait!

So your feet look like an elephant's.

But she was talking about my nose.

Yvonne, your friend sure has a way with words.

Cheri, c'est une erreur, c'est une erreur.

It must be something you said.

Brigitte?

Oui?

Diner avec moi, (speaks French).

Pourquoi pas.

Someday I'm gonna have to find out what that means.

Doc, it's weird.

He invited me to dinner but he still kept acting as if he doesn't know me.

Doc: How 'bout this?

He doesn't know you, and he isn't Alex.

But he is.

I'm positive.

He's wearing a ring I gave him.

The same as mine.

Coincidence.

Doc, these were handmade.

Alex and I designed them.

There aren't two other rings like this in the whole world.

Well what if he is your Alex only he doesn't know it.

Amnesia?

Could be.

Oh.

I asked him about his past, and nothing matched.

He said he's spent his entire life in California.

Doc: Hmm... Lilly: I know that he grew up in Connecticut and went to Yale.

Well, in certain amnesia cases, people make up a past and believe it to be true.

They'll take on a whole new identity.

He was a hot-shot on Madison Avenue.

Now he's some kind of guitar maker.

Is he happy?

I don't know.

How do I get him back to reality?

Well, amnesia is nothing to fool around with.

You need a specialist.

But while you're here, you could try to gently remind him of your life together.

I'd do anything to get Alex back.

I'll remind him of our rings.

I'll remind him of the jingles we used to write.

And if that doesn't work...I'll take him down to the cabin

and remind him of the thing we used to do most.

Backgammon.

We played backgammon a lot.

Yeah.

Honest.

I believe you.

You do?

Did I ever tell you about the swamp land I have for sale?

You're a beautiful man.

You're a beautiful woman.

You're more beautiful than I am.

You're beautifully honest.

Congratulations, Julie.

Your electronic ice-breaker seems to be working for everybody.

With one small exception.

Yeah, me.

I was talking about me.

I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding, Walt.

I bet brigitte would love to dance with you.

What size bet did you have in mind?

Come on, let's ask her.

Yvonne, I hope your friend says yes.

I promised Walt a good time.

I got a lot of money riding on this.

Oh, you don't understand a word I'm saying.

Gopher, my friend Walt wants to dance with brigitte.

Yes.

Ahh, um, yeah.

Uh...brigitte, m'sieur voules dansez avec vous.

Oui, Oui.

Pourquoi pas.

Oh, yes.

Pourquoi pas?

Oui.

Walt: That's what she said last time.

Again with the feet like an elephant and banana nose?

Walt...

Yvonne...

Wait a minute now...

All: Talking.

Shall we?

You bet.

Isaac?

What would you like?

I think I'll have a cognac.

And I guess you'll want one, too.

Two cognacs, right.

Oh, not for me. I'd like a beer.

I never acquired a taste for cognac.

Oh, then I'll have a beer, too.

Two light, right?

No, I always drink dark beer.

Uh, make that two dark beers.

Coming right up.

You know, I just might try cognac.

I may get to like it.

Uh, two cognacs.

Right.

Hey, that ring you're wearing. It's the same as mine.

Lilly: Really?

Where'd you get it?

I don't know.

I've been wearing it as long as I can remember.

Mine was made for me by a little jeweler on forty-eighth street in New York.

I've never been to New York.

A friend of mine designed it.

Actually, he was more than just a friend.

I guess he must've designed two then.

Small world, isn't it?

What do you do in New York?

I write advertising jingles.

No kidding?

You might have heard some of them.

Like, you know, cupid Cologne commercial.

♪ 'Make her your own with cupid Cologne ♪

♪ reach out and grab it let her know you have it.'♪

What's the matter?

Ted: I'm sorry.

I, I, I don't mean to make fun of your jingle, but it is kind of inane, isn't it?

That jingle sold a lot of Cologne.

'Reach out and grab it?

Let her know you have it?'

I guess it is kind of inane.

Isaac: There you go.

Thanks, Issac.

Well, how do you like it?

Tastes like your cupid Cologne.

Julie, you have been ducking me all night.

Hm-hmm.

I was hoping you'd get the message.

I got the message.

I got the message from my two-seventy-two mini-scan.

You know what it says?

It says that you and I are fated for each other.

Well, I guess I'm just not ready to meet my fate yet.

Oh, Julie, why fight it?

It's valentines, hearts, love and all that stuff.

And besides, my printout says that you and I have the same

interests, compatible temperaments and also long-range goals.

Well my print-out says, bug off.

I don't get it.

Julie, Julie, logic says that you and I should be in love.

What's logic got to do with love?

Love is spontaneous, mysterious, wild, crazy.

You know, 'you light up my life', 'climb the highest

mountain, swim the deepest sea.' Love is an emotion.

Wrong.

Love is based on facts.

Like the fact that...

The fact that I have a tremendous crush on your shoulders.

That's spontaneous.

Oh no, no.

That happens to be the logical result of my predictable attraction to you.

Oh, that's romantic.

Julie, Julie, it's the romance of the future.

It's geometry, it's mathematics.

It's bull!

It's...

Come on in.

I've been working on something I want you to hear.

Oh, I'd like that.

Well, I hope so.

I'm gonna call it, "Lilly's song."

I'm flattered.

It's beautiful.

But, Ted, that's the music to the cupid Cologne jingle.

You know, you're right.

I thought I made it up.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't stop.

You play beautifully.

Oh, some other time.

I write a lot of tunes.

It's lyrics I have trouble with.

That's my specialty.

Why don't we write something together?

Yeah, I'd like that.

I think I better warn you though I do most of my composing

sitting on my porch in sonoma county...Watching the Russian

river go by.

Is that an invitation?

Sure is.

Maybe I'll take you up on it.

Of course, in a few days I think I'd miss the excitement of new York.

Lilly, there's plenty of excitement outside of New York, you know.

I mean there's excitement right here in this room.

Did that remind you of anything?

What should it remind me of?

Oh, never mind.

Brigitte?

Oui?

Uh, uh, people think (Speaks French).

Brigitte: (Speaks French) Sam: Uh, penny, that's, that's the wrong move.

See, I move here and my queen mates, I move here and my knight

mates, I move here and my rook mates.

That's what I love about chess.

All this mating.

Sam: Are you enjoying this as much as I am?

Penny: Oh, yes, it's wonderful.

Hey, Nick, here comes your intended.

Yeah, with intent to kill.

Nick, wait.

What have I done now?

You haven't done anything...

Except make a lot of people extremely happy.

Look at them.

They're having a ball.

And it's all because of your computer.

Just like I told you, it never fails.

Except maybe for us.

Nick...I'd like to apologize for last night.

I was pretty rough.

Well, maybe I came on kind of strong.

Yeah, well, I didn't have to react so negatively.

I shouldn't have pushed so hard.

Yeah, well, I was a jerk.

Nah.

No, I was a jerk.

No, I was a jerk.

Okay, you were a jerk.

Oh...

Have dinner with me tonight?

Sure.

The chef's making veal parmesan.

Veal...i love it, it's my favorite.

Oh, it's mine, too.

There's another thing we have in common. Isn't that wonderful.

Julie, Julie, the list is endless.

That's why the machine put us together.

Oh, well, I think it's terrific.

It sure made a lot of people happy.

Oh, mister heider, I was wondering if you're going to give your computer another shot.

Well, uh, I, I didn't think i'd bother, captain.

Things seem to be fine for everybody.

Not everybody.

So if you have another session, let me know.

I've filled out another card.

I left some blanks on the first one.

Brigitte, um...

Je t'aime.

Brigitte: (Speaks French)

Oh, brigitte, vous, the most beautiful...Uh, uh, la, la belle.

Brigitte: (Speaks French)

(Speaks French)...The most wonderful (speaks French).

Brigitte: (Speaks French)

Oh, brigitte. It's hopeless.

I need my dictionary, my dictionaire.

Brigitte: (Speaks French) Gopher: I don't wanna (speaks French).

But I gotta...Brigitte, stay here.

Stay (speaks French).

Brigitte: (Speaks French)

Yvonne: (Speaks French) Gopher: Yvonne.

Ou etais to hier soir?

Knock off the French, will you, Yvonne?

It's me.

Shhh!

Where were you?

I was with gopher.

What'd you think?

It's getting to be impossible.

His French is so bad I can't communicate with him.

I'm going to tell him I speak English.

You do and you'll blow my whole deal.

I got a big fish on the line.

Well what about me?

This could be the love of my life.

If it's the love of your life, it'll last past this cruise.

Please, for the sake of our friendship,

don't speak English till we get off this boat.

I'll tell everybody I borrowed a berlitz book from the ship's library.

No.

I'm a quick study.

No.

Well then do me a favor.

What?

Next time you ask me to go on a cruise with you, don't.

You know, it's funny.

I, I feel like I've known you all my life.

And all these strange coincidences; Like you thinking

you knew me, and us wearing the same ring.

I don't know, it's like we were meant for each other.

I love you, you know.

I wondered who was gonna say it first.

Lilly, would you think I was crazy if I asked you to come to California with me?

We could get married.

I have a career in New York.

We could be together there, too.

No, I'd never fit in.

Yes, you would.

I'd be like a fish out of water.

You'd love New York.

I know you would if you gave it a try.

I could get you a job at the agency writing music.

I'd be no good at it.

What do you mean you'd be no good at it?

You were good at it.

You were the best!

Damn it, don't you remember?!

Lady, you're out of your mind.

You're the one who's out of his mind.

Alex, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

Once and for all my name's Ted.

Ted wilcox.

Hi, there, mister computermate.

Hi, gorgeous.

Wanna come out and play?

Wanna come in and play?

I thought you'd never ask.

Why I thought of nothing but you all day.

What, what are you doing?

I gotta shave.

You've done that three times already.

Don't you think you should give it a rest?

I like to look my best.

You like to look in the mirror.

How would you know?

You have your head inside a book most of the time.

You're really a drag, you know.

A drag?

You don't know the meaning of the word.

In fact, there are a lot of words you don't know the meaning of.

Are you calling me a dummy?

Well, I'll tell you what you are.

You're a boring egghead with as much sex appeal as a,

as a bowling ball.

Oh no, my tan is beginning to fade.

I need some sun.

You know what you really need?

What?

Another shave.

Brigitte...

Oui?

Gopher: (Speaks French) Oh, bri, you know, I just wish you could speak my language.

Oh, gopher, si seulement je pouvais to dire la verite.

Huh?

I said if only I could...

Wait, wait, wait.

Did you just say something in English?

Oh...wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait...

Brigitte: Excusez moi.

No, no, excusez moi.

(Speaks French) Oh, gopher, gopher.

Je suis desole.

Je suis bouillaise, Yvonne.

Mais j'ai quelque chose por le vin.

Do you have something for the stain?

Gopher/yvonne: (Speaks French)

Thanks a lot.

Make that merci beaucoup.

Gopher?

Gopher, (speaks French).

Happy?

Hm-hmm.

I think we can say that your machine is a total success.

My machine only helps those who help themselves.

Oh, let's go.

Oh, I'd say a complete success.

You are a cultural desert.

Vast.

You, you haven't even read James Joyce.

I've read the dirty parts.

Is that all you can think about is sex?

Well someone has to think of it.

Gopher: Voila.

Et merci, Yvonne.

Yvonne: Thanks, sweetie.

You speak English.

Uh-huh.

Oh, by the way, I can't get rid of the stain, but I can get rid of you.

Yvonne, wait, wait.

Yvonne, Yvonne.

You can't leave now.

Good evening.

Enjoying your cruise?

Thank you.

Oh, doc, I blew it.

He asked me to marry him and live in California.

And?

And I said we should live in New York.

That I could get him his old job writing jingles.

He doesn't belong up in the woods making guitars.

Why not?

Because he has a brilliant mind.

He could write his own ticket on Madison Avenue.

Maybe he doesn't like Madison Avenue.

Maybe Madison Avenue is the reason he snapped.

What do you mean?

Look, amnesia can be caused by emotional stress.

If there's too much pressure on a person the mind reacts.

I put more pressure on Alex than anyone.

I drove him.

I wanted us to have our own agency.

The crazy thing is I love the new Alex.

If you love him, then why don't you go out to California with him?

Oh, sure, just drop everything and run off and live out a fantasy.

Don't you have a fantasy?

Yeah.

I've always wanted something more than a jingle.

I wanted to write songs about life and love.

My favorite kind.

But I'm no Carole king.

I'd probably fall flat on my face.

Lilly, if you're happy with what you're doing you're not failing.

That sounds like something Ted would say.

Don't you mean Alex?

No.

I mean Ted.

Oh, say, Nick, have you put my new card through the machine?

Yes, sir.

And?

And...well, what can I say?

Goodnight.

Why don't you just say that you lost it.

Gopher.

Sir.

Sir, no, I can explain everything.

And you will.

In my office.

Right now.

But, sir, I've gotta get back to the...

Now!

Uh, captain?

Yes?

I see the computer finally came up with a date for you.

Captain, can we take shorter steps?

As many steps as you wanna take. This way!

Gopher: Right.

Wow.

Wow.

Would you like a drink?

Oh, no, no.

This late at night the only thing I can drink is hot cocoa.

Hot cocoa.

I've got some hot cocoa.

Thank you.

Well, all we need now is some frank Sinatra.

But where's frank?

Julie, I don't want any other men in your life.

Oh, whatever I ever said about your theories, Nick, I apologize.

I'll never complain about your computer again.

[Knocks on door]

Oh, no.

Not now. [Knocks continue]

Oh...

Penny: Your computer stinks.

Listen, we want a rematch.

All, all we ever do is fight.

Look, every couple can expect to have differences now and then.

It's just a...

How's this for a difference?

I cannot stand the sight of this man.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Now you're laughing.

But when I wanted a few laughs, all you could talk about was the

origin or German lieder and its influence on zither music.

[Both talking]: Oh, don't, don't...

Daryl: You got me into this, now you get me out.

Oh, get him out?

The peacock!

The only time he looks me in the eyes

is to see his own reflection.

Relax everybody. We can work this out.

I wanna trade this guy in. Heather: Yeah.

Sam: Listen, I should either punch you in the nose or kick in your computer.

A punch in the nose? That sounds good to me.

Now hold it, fellas...

Yeah, I'm gonna hold, you bite him in the leg.

Go, go...

Now, now, now wait a second.

We can talk about this.

All: Talking.

Well, here I am.

It's late at night, I'm in a handsome man's cabin.

Soft lights, beautiful music.

Something just doesn't seem right.

♪ ♪

Hi.

Hi.

Ted, I'm sorry about this afternoon.

Oh, that's okay.

I was trying to turn you into someone I once knew.

It was a mistake.

No, it was my mistake.

I almost let you get away.

Is that offer still open to sit

and watch the Russian river go by?

You're willing to give up New York?

It's just a city.

And your career?

Can I tell you a secret?

There's always been something lacking.

All I've ever really wanted to do is write songs.

And I know, deep down, if I give myself the chance

I can write good ones.

Well, I can offer you a rocking chair and a sunset every now and then for inspiration.

You scared?

Hm-hmm.

But someone once told me if you like what you're doing

you'll be great at it.

And I sure like what I'm doing.

Yvonne: (Speaks French)

Gopher: Brigitte, you're not being fair.

It's a complete misunderstanding.

Look, will you let me explain?

How can you explain that you didn't come back and

you dumped me and left me all alone in the acapulco lounge.

Walt/sugar daddy: You speak English!

Yeah, just like Yvonne.

Yvonne: (Speaks French)

Pardon my French, honey, but take a hike.

Walt, excusez moi.

And pourquois pas.

There goes my millionaire.

Well, c'est la vie.

It ain't funny, brigittie.

Cheri!

Seymour!

There's an explanation...

You spoke English the whole time.

I made a complete fool of myself.

It was Yvonne's idea.

She thought it would be a good way to get guys.

Yeah.

French guys!

[French accent] Oh gopher...

Hmmm...

Encore!

Well, if you insist.

Goodbye, doc.

And thank you for everything.

Sure, run off with a guitar player.

If you had heard me play stethoscope

it would've been a different story.

Goodbye, Ted.

Goodbye, doc.

I love you, you know.

More than I did before.

Before?

Well, I don't remember much about my life in New York but...

Last night with you I remembered the most important part.

I loved you then and I love you now.

There you go.

Got it?

Captain, I gotta tell you i'm really embarrassed about the way things worked out.

I don't know, I, I guess the machine was just malfunctioning.

It had to be broken.

Or it would've found someone for me.

Wouldn't it?

Well...

Don't answer that.

Sam: You mean you like James Joyce and leider sing...

Nick: Well, listen, I'm sorry about...

Heather: Sam, do I look like a cultural desert?

No, not at all.

Not at all.

They're not supposed to be together.

Daryl: How 'bout a shot of me over there by the gangway?

Nick: I'd like to apologize...

Oh no, lambchop, let's wait till we get to my apartment.

You need a shave.

Well that screwball, how did he end up with her?

Oh, penny, we're so sorry about this computer business.

Sorry?

Honey, I had a great time.

Look what I ended up with.

A man of few words but plenty of action.

Julie: Bye, bye.

Did I mess up everything.

According to the computer, I mean, none of those couples should be couples.

Oh, I don't know.

I think the computer was great for you and miss McCoy.

Confession time, captain.

The computer had nothing to do with it.

I rigged it.

What?

Nick: No, that's right.

I, I rigged it.

Julie, I gotta tell you, the first time I saw you I knew,

I knew you were the one for me.

Then science had nothing to do with it.

Of course it did.

After all, biology is a science.

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