Original subtitles

"Love

exciting and new

come aboard

we're expecting you.

Love

life's sweetest reward

let it flow

it floats back to you

the love boat

soon will be making another run

the love boat

promises something for everyone

set a course for adventure

your mind on a new romance

love won't hurt anymore

it's an open smile on a friendly shore

yes, love

welcome aboard, it's love"

Danny: Hello!

Julie: Danny, Paul, Lee and Carl, right?

Danny: Hey, that's pretty good.

How'd you know?

Julie: Trick of the trade.

Just don't ask me which one of you is which.

All right?

You're in one-seventeen and one-nineteen on the fiesta deck.

Carl: Oh, thanks.

I...understand that there's a lot of action on this ship.

Julie: Nothing but. All day, all night.

It just doesn't quit.

Danny: Well, that's great.

Julie: No, I mean it.

We got bingo, shuffleboard, ping-pong.

You name it, we've got it.

Carl: Great plan.

Comin' on a cruise.

Julie: Oh, if you were talking about female companionship, don't

We've got lots of opportunities.

Carl: Well, that's good, 'cause Danny here is about as available as

Danny: You make it sound like I'm only after one thing.

Carl: Aren't you?

Danny: No.

Grandma: Believe me, Shirley, this is the place for you to find a husband.

Shirley: Grandma...

Grandma: I won't say another word.

Shirley: Come on, gram, this is your birthday present.

I brought you on this cruise so that we could have fun, not so you could find me a husband.

Grandma: I gave my promise and I'm going to stick to it.

No interference in your life.

You're a big girl now, you know what you're doing.

You don't need a meddling old lady.

Shirley: Oh, gram...

Julie: Well, now you've had the grand tour.

Barry: Ah, the love boat.

It's a big waterbed.

I heard of sex, but this is going overboard.

Julie: Boy, you haven't changed a bit.

Barry: Yeah, but you have.

I can't get over it.

I really can't.

I remember you when you were this big...

And here you are the cruise director of a big, beautiful floatel.

I bet your dad's tickled pink.

Julie: He is and he asked me to say hello to you, mr.Keith

Barry: Barry...barry.

Julie: Oh...

Hardy: His delivery is so good.

Barry: Hardy Stevens!

One of the biggest agents we have here in the business.

Hardy: Barry.

Barry: Now if you came on this boat to sign me up, forget it...

I'm on vacation.

Hardy: Right, Barry, anything you say.

Barry: Don't be such a sore loser.

Grandma: Yoo-hoo...sailor person.

Gopher: Welcome aboard, ladies.

I'm yeoman purser Smith.

How can I help you?

Shirley: Hello.

I'm Shirley Warner.

This is my grandmother mrs.Warner

grandma: We'd like to have our meals at a table for singles.

Barry: I'll tell you...That hotel was murder.

The rooms were so small you had to go out in the hall just to change your mind.

Barry: Whoa...wait a minute.

Aren't you gonna escort me to my suite?

Julie: Well, Barry see, according to this you're not exactly in a

Barry: Well, that's okay.

I remember when I started at the thunderbird they overbooked the hotel so much,

they could only put me up in a broom closet.

I had a choice...Sleep or sweep.

So that's it...

I'm gonna be up on the deck.

I'll socialize.

Mingle with the little people.

You know how it is.

Julie: I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time.

Hey, here's the elevator.

Barry: Hey, I got scared.

I thought this was my room first.

But look at that, a captive audience.

What do you know about that?

Did you ever hear the story about the one-armed...

Captain: Welcome aboard, ladies.

I'm captain stubing.

Shirley: Hello.

Grandma: Hello.

You're captain stubing.

Captain: Yes.

Grandma: Well, Leonard Keller never stopped mentioning your name.

Captain: Leonard Keller?

Grandma: Yeah, he took this cruise about four years ago...Pale...Frail.

And when he came home, he had put on twelve pounds.

Said he never felt healthier in his life.

Captain: Well, that's just marvelous...

Well, how is Leonard Keller?

Grandma: Uh...Oh...He died.

Captain: Oh, I'm sorry.

Grandma: Yeah.

Well, that's life...

Come on, Shirley.

Isaac: No, it's cool.

I got a friend who owes me a favor.

Julie: Thank you.

Isaac: Listen, I got another friend who owes me some caviar.

Julie: No, that's okay, Isaac.

I just want Barry to feel like he's still on top.

You know, when he was a star he gave my dad

his start in the business.

Isaac: No kidding?

You know I think I remember Barry when I was a kid.

Didn't he used to appear on the ed Sullivan show?

Julie: Yeah, he was on all those shows then.

Isaac: And didn't he wear a crazy hat and carry a cane?

Julie: He still does.

Isaac: And didn't he tell old jokes?

Julie: He still does.

But he sure deserves more than the cheapest cabin on the ship...

Thanks again.

Isaac: Any time.

Barry: Coming.

Julie: Special delivery.

Compliments of the captain.

Barry: Captain?...

How nice.

I guess you're old enough to have a little bubbly these days.

Julie: Yeah...

Oh, Barry, it's been such a long time since I've seen you.

Barry: You remember when you were just a little bitty thing

and your dad used to bring you backstage?

Julie: I remember.

Barry: Your father was one of the nicest persons I ever helped.

Julie: Well, if you hadn't helped my father, he might not have gone

Barry: Speaking of show business...What do you do here on board?

I mean, you got any entertainment here?

Julie: Oh, yeah...

There's a terrific combo in the acapulco lounge and we've got some great acts down there...

Barry: I know what you're thinking.

You're wondering if old uncle Barry will do his act.

I'll tell you, Julie, I really came on the cruise to take a rest.

Julie: Oh, I wouldn't dream of imposing on you.

I'm sure the last thing you want to do while you're on this ship is to work.

Barry: Julie, if it'll help you out, I'll do fifteen minutes.

Not my whole act.

Julie: Well, I'd love it.

But I really don't think that's necessary.

Barry: Fine with me, but do you think I should disappoint the captain?

Julie: Captain?

Barry: Come on, Julie...Why do you think he sent the champagne for?

Danny: Gonna...take a picture?

Girl: No, I'm going bowling...Can't you tell by my shoes?

Danny: That's...that's funny...That's funny.

You know this...Photography thing must be fascinating.

You got so many things to shoot here...

Hey...

Hey, why don't you take a picture of...Mister man-about-boat?

Girl: I don't do still life...And you're blocking my light.

Danny: Where would you like me to move?

Girl: Cleveland.

Dave: Sorry...

Shirley?

Shirley: Dave?...

Dave king.

Oh, what a...

How are you?

I haven't seen you since the reunion.

Dave: Well, what's...What's it been...Five years?

Shirley: Just about...

I hear you got married.

Dave: Also...we're divorced.

Shirley: Oh.

Dave: Say, how 'bout you, are you...Still single?

Shirley: Yeah, still single.

Dave: That's great.

Shirley: Not according to my grandmother...Oh!

Gram...gram, come here, I want you to meet somebody.

Gram: Oh...

Shirley: You remember my grandmother.

Dave: What a wonderful character.

Shirley: She hasn't mellowed with age...

Gram, you remember Dave king.

I went with him in my senior year.

Dave: Hello, mrs.Warner

gram: Uh...dave king, Dave king...

Shirley always has so many fellas...

I have to figure a way to remember them all...

Oh...yeah...oh, now I remember,

you were...O.D.D.

Old...desoto... Dandruff.

Dave: Well, actually, I got rid of them both.

Think she's got me pretty well pegged alright.

Gram: Well...listen, David...Since you graduated,

What've you been doin' with yourself?

Dave: Well, I'm a teacher.

Gram: How wonderful.

Did you hear that Shirley?

A teacher.

What college do you teach at?

Dave: Oh, no, no.

I...i don't teach college.

I...i teach sixth grade arithmetic.

Gram: Oh...excuse me...I have to talk to her in private...

It's very important.

Shirley: Excuse me Dave, I'll be right back.

Shirley: Gram, are you gonna start again?

Gram: I am not interfering with you, I'm talking to you as a friend.

He's not right for you.

Shirley: What is this right for me?

He's a person I know.

I'm talking to him.

Gram: Do you know what a school teacher makes?

On his pay he is probably a stowaway.

Shirley: Oh, gram, honestly.

Gram: Far be it for me to tell you what to do.

But...but this is a place for you to find a nice boy.

Promise me that you won't spend all your time with Mr.

Wrong?

Shirley: I promise.

Gram: And that you will go and mix and mingle.

Shirley: I'll mix.

I'll mingle.

Gram: Maybe show a little more cleavage.

Paul: You're a man, right?

You're nineteen years old.

Danny: And a half...Nineteen and a half.

Paul: You're a freshman in college, one of the finest pledges in our

You just got this one little problem.

You're still...Oh...What's the word I'm looking for?

Carl: Virgin.

Paul: That's the word...So what are you sitting around doing nothing

There is a boat loaded with women.

You're the one who said by the time I get to acapulco.

Danny: Yes, sir.

Carl: Come on.

Lay off of him.

Will you two leave.

Paul: You know there are worse things in the world than being...In

Carl: Yeah, you can have a couple of broken legs.

Danny: My brother has the same problem.

Paul: Your brother?

The attorney?

Danny: No, my brother the little league pitcher.

But as soon as he hits puberty, watch out.

Barry: Ha...ha...now we're comin' to the punch...

Waiter, hey...Hey, come here, come here...

Bring me a pint of oysters and hold the pearls.

Now that's the first joke...Wanna hear a second one?

Doc: He could wipe the smile off the Mona Lisa.

Julie: I don't know what to do.

He's angling for me to put him in the show.

Doc: Just tell him we have a new entertainment policy.

We only use entertainers.

Julie: Thanks.

Barry: Say, captain, would you pass me the butter please?

I would appreciate it very much...

If I could only get the waiter over here I'd appreciate this even a lot more...

That's the way it is with folks...They take advantage and all that stuff.

Hey, here you go.

Danny: Hello...

I couldn't help but notice you here.

You certainly are attractive...I was wondering if you'd like to...

(Loud horn)

Girl: What?

(Loud horn)

Danny: (Yelling) Come down to my cabin tonight.

It's been nice talkin' to you.

Girl: Aha...

Paul: How many days does he have left?

Carl: I don't know, but he's gonna need every one of them.

Barry: Oh boy...

So then the guy says...

Listen, how do I know that you know whether there are six hundred and fifty-two cows in

How?

He said, that's easy, you count the legs and divide by four...

Isn't that wild?

Hah?

Isn't that beautiful?

I mean...I mean...Well...

Oh, excuse me...I don't fool around with young people...

Hey, Julie, how are you?

Now when am I on the bill?

I mean...I'm a headline you know, I don't go on first.

Julie: Well, uh, Barry, I haven't actually had time to reschedule

I uh...

Barry: Ah, details.

I'll leave that to you.

Listen, I gotta go rehearse.

I'll see you later, huh kiddo.

You don't have to thank me...I'd do anything for you...

What do you say, captain?

Hey, who's watchin' the store?

Captain: Yeah...

He was bothering you too, hm?

Julie: Who?

Mr.keith

bothering me?

Why he's the funniest man in the world.

Captain: Miss McCoy, there is funny ha ha, there is funny peculiar...

Woody Allen is funny ha ha...Buttering one's hand is funny peculiar.

Julie: You're right, sir...But he's expecting me to put him in the

Captain: Well, you're the officer in charge of entertainment.

Tell him no.

Julie: But he's an old friend of my father's.

I feel obligated.

Captain: Then put him in.

Julie: But he's not funny.

Captain: Then don't put him in.

Julie: But I like him and it means so much to him.

Captain: Then put him in.

Julie: But I have a responsibility to the other passengers...

Captain: Then don't put him in!

Miss McCoy, when one is in a position of authority, one has to make difficult decisions.

Decisions that affect people's lives, but you have to do it...You have to be rough.

Julie: Thank you, sir.

I'm going to be honest and tell him he stinks and he's not going on.

Captain: That's rough.

Danny: Hi there.

Barbara: Hi.

Danny: Do you live around here?...

Nice talking to you.

Doc: Just take one of these before bedtime, it'll help you to

Gram: I hope so.

Things go whirling around in my head all night.

Doc: Well, what kind of things?

Gram: Family things.

There's so much left unfinished.

And I'm not getting any younger.

Doc: Well, you're just as young as you feel, mrs.Warner

and you feel pretty young to me...

A little medical joke.

Gram: Doctor, your hand.

Doc: Yeah.

I've got one on the other arm, too.

Gram: There's no wedding ring.

Doc: Right.

Mrs.warner, is this a proposal?

Gram: Ha...ha...

Doc: How 'bout your insomnia?

Gram: What insomnia?

Soon I'll be sleeping like a baby.

Doc: What about that, I'm a faith healer.

Gram: How would you like to meet a young, gorgeous sexy person?

Doc: I've already met one today.

Gram: It's my granddaughter, Shirley.

She's got a brand new car, she's got a stereo tape-deck...

Doc: Mrs. Warner

I've been accused of many things but being a fortune hunter isn't one of them.

What kind of car?

Believe me, mrs.Warner

I'd love to meet her, but really...

Gram: Shall we say in the acapulco lounge seven o'clock?

Doc: Oh, seven.

I've got an awful lot of things to do.

Gram: Wonderful.

I'll see you then.

Doc: Another fine mess you've got me into.

Barry: How's that?

That all right?

Yeah, sounds all right.

Bring it up a little bit.

Yeah.

Let's do it that way...Testing...One, two, three...

Yeah, that sounds alright.

Hold it right there.

Hey, Ronnie...Give me the spotlight...That's good.

You know it'd be a good idea if you all would sit on my head and do the parady, right?

Good...julie, how are you?

Just straightening out the spotlight.

Julie: Can I talk to you a minute, Barry?

Barry: Yeah...sure.

Ronnie, take five.

Barry: Yeah.

Go ahead.

Julie: Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but I...

What's wrong?

What is it?

Let me get the doctor for you.

Barry: No, no, no, no, no...I'll be alright.

Let me...Let me catch my breath.

I'll be...I'll be okay.

I...really.

Julie: What is it, Barry?

Your heart?

Barry: Oh, no, no, no...I'll be alright.

Just give me a second.

Julie: Are you sure?

Barry: You know what I really need?

The sound of applause.

I'll bet you after the show tonight, I'll feel real good.

Wild horses couldn't stop me from performing...

The show must go on, Julie...

Right?

Julie: Right.

The show will go on

and you will too.

Doc: Okay, let's try some jumping Jacks......

As my old army sergeant used to say

I'll tell you guys later what he used to say

here we go.

Danny: Hello, my name is Danny.

Would you like to come for a drink with me later?

Girl: See that man lifting weights?

That is my husband.

Danny: Well...Nice talkin' to you.

Barbara: Hi.

Danny: Hi.

Barbara: You look kinda beat.

Danny: I am.

Barbara: Ah...in case you're wondering, my name is Barbara Holmes.

Danny: I'm sorry.

I'm Danny.

Barbara: Yeah, I know.

Are you meditating or are you just bored?

Danny: I've got a lot on my mind.

Barbara: Like with school?

Danny: No, school's always been a piece of cake.

Barbara: I wish I could say that.

I'm majoring in communications and it's killing me.

Danny: Communications.

Barbara: Yeah.

Danny: Yeah, me too.

Barbara: Well then, we should be able to communicate.

Danny: I guess so...I'd better get going.

Barbara: How about a toast?

Danny: Sure, why not?

Barbara: To...

To success.

Danny: To success...

It's been very nice talking to you.

Isaac: You really dig him, don't you?

Barbara: Yeah.

Isaac: It's none of my business, but...Why?

I mean he's only after one thing.

Barbara: No, it means there's a lot more to him than that.

He's bright, he's sweet, he's really a nice guy.

Isaac: Are they selling Rose-colored glasses in the gift shop?

Barbara: Now come on, he's under a lot of pressure from his friends.

You know?

And if he could just get past this one thing he could be himself.

Isaac: You know, you're pretty sharp for such a young girl.

Barbara: It's not gonna do me any good.

He doesn't even know I exist.

Isaac: Well, nice talkin' to you.

Barbara: It's what they all say.

Shirley: Seven o'clock!

I can't make it.

Gram: Believe me, Shirley, he's handsome...John Hopkins single,

Where are you when I need you?

Shirley: Gram, Dave king invited me for a drink at seven.

And gram, he's very nice.

Gram: Can nice buy you a condominium?

I'm talking doctor.

Shirley: I'm sorry, I've made my plans.

What are you doing?

What...what are you doing?!

Gram: I'm throwing myself overboard.

What is the point of living when my granddaughter

gives up a doctor for a nobody.

Shirley: Where are you when I need you?

Isaac: Really?

I mean you're gonna let Barry Keith do the show tomorrow?

Julie: Yes, I am.

Isaac: Well,i mean it might work.

Disaster movies are in.

Julie: Isaac, just between you and me, he's a very sick man.

This could be his last chance to be in the spotlight.

You understand?

Isaac: Julie, you're alright.

Julie: Oh, let me take it in.

Isaac: Okay.

Julie: Thanks.

Isaac: Julie...maybe if I'm extra generous with the drinks...

The audience will be too bombed to walk out.

Barry: Come in.

Julie: Is that what you call resting?

Barry: Uh...let me explain.

Julie: That was a phony heart attack, wasn't it?

Barry: I always thought I coulda made it as a straight actor...

Julie...

Okay, I'm a phony...

But a desperate one...

Why do you think I came on this cruise for?

Because I knew that Freddie Stevens, the agent, was gonna be on it...

Back in Hollywood they won't even let me in the office to audition.

Ain't that a laugh?

I was a star when he was pressing pants.

Julie: So you used me?

Barry: Guilty.

But I helped your father...You owe me one.

Julie: Right.

But after you do the show tonight, the slate's clean.

Doc: Is there no end to a doctor's self-sacrifice?

Isaac: Give her a chance, doc.

I mean, how bad can she be?

Is that her?

Doc: Oh, the moment of truth.

Gram: Ah, there you are, doctor.

Doc: Ah, there you are, Mrs. Warner

gram: Come and meet my beautiful Shirley...

With the warm disposition, who can cook and sew like a bandit.

Isaac: A sewing bandit?

Doc: Ooh, Mrs. Warner

I forgot.

I...I've got to perform an emergency appendectomy.

Gram: Ridiculous

doc: No, on myself.

Gram: You're just nervous.

Shirley will make you relax.

Doc: But I'm not dressed.

Gram: My dear fellow...

Shirley: Just to keep my grandmother happy I've invited him over for a drink.

Okay?

Dave: Okay, but just one drink.

I am not sharing you for more than...Fifteen minutes.

Gram: Dr. Bricker, may I present my granddaughter Shirley Warner.

Shirley: How do you do, doctor?

Doc: Hello, Shirley.

Shirley: I'd like you to meet my friend Dave king.

Doc: Dave, nice to see you.

How are you...Nice...Good to know you.

Gram: Well now...I'll leave you two alone in peace.

They're playing our song.

Doc: Shirley, Shirley, Shirley, where have you been all my life?

Danny: Okay...prentice, Sandy prentice...Is she the one with

Julie: Hi.

How come you didn't go ashore?

Danny: Ah, no time, no time.

Harriet Langdon.

Julie: She's seventy-two years old.

Danny: Ah, she single?

Well, we can scratch Harriet Langdon.

Jones, carmel Lewis...Ah, forget her, she's the one I spilled spaghetti on.

Julie: Danny...

Danny: Bertoli amato.

Julie: She's a guy.

Danny, could I talk to you for a minute, please?

Danny: Sure...sure...sure.

Julie: I mean as a friend.

Danny: Yeah.

Danny: Fun?

Sure I had fun.

Maybe not exactly fun.

Look, I didn't come here to have fun.

I came here to find a woman...

Ah, that didn't come out right, but you know what I mean.

Julie: No, I don't know what you mean.

And I don't think you know what you mean.

I mean you've got this point to prove and I think it's making you miserable.

This is all so unnecessary.

Danny: Ah, to you, maybe.

But I'm all this ship talks about.

I mean this guy came up to me and he said...Is it...Is it true what they say about you?

I said, yes, and he asked me for my autograph.

Julie: I think you're exaggerating.

Danny, I'm a woman and I can tell you that sex is only a small part of what makes a good

I mean, there is much, much more.

Danny: Okay, maybe I'm crazy, but if I don't...

I'm never gonna hear the end of it...Hey, maybe I should become a monk...

I've already got the celibacy part mastered.

Julie: I think you're trying too hard.

Danny: Yeah?

It's probably like studying for finals.

Everything comes to you on the last night.

Julie: Couldn't you try to think of something besides sex?

Doc: Well, I have to admit it, Mrs. Warner

everything you said about Shirley is true.

Gram: Would I lie to a professional man?

There they are...Shirley and her...Her acquaintance.

Doc: Hi, Shirley...

Hi, acquaintance.

P.A. voice: David king to the purser's desk.

David king, please.

Dave: Ah, excuse me, I'd better go see what they want.

Doc: Thought he'd never leave.

Now let's see...

Your move or mine.

Shirley: I don't believe this.

Gram, did you deliberately have David paged?

Doc: No.

I did.

Carl: You are missing the party.

Danny: Are all the women weeping?

Carl: Come on.

Tonight might be your lucky night.

Danny: Yeah.

I might fall overboard.

Barbara: Hello, Danny.

Danny: Barbara...have you come to gawk at the eternal virgin in his

Barbara: Hey, I'm here because...

Well, I was hoping that before the trip was over

that we might get the chance to know each other.

Danny: You mean that?

Barbara: I'm here, aren't I?

Danny: Yeah, you are.

Barbara: Do you want to take a walk around the ship?

Danny: Sure...sure, why not?

Barbara: Or, I guess, we could always go down to your cabin.

Danny: My cabin?...

Sure, my cabin.

Barbara: Uh, it's this way, isn't it?

Danny: Uh...right...but...it's left.

That's right.

I mean...That...That's correct.

Barbara: Right.

Danny: That's correct.

Danny: Why don't you sit over there?

Barbara: Why don't you sit next to me?

Danny: Good...

Here we are.

Barbara: Yeah.

Danny: Uhh...would you like a little champagne or...

Barbara: No, I don't drink.

Danny: Neither do I...Ah...Good music, huh?

Something soft and lyrical and lovely as you are?

I got a cassette of the led zeppelin over here.

Barbara: Danny?

Danny: Uh...poetry...hah?

I know this little piece by John dunne.

I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high or hill and Dale...

When all at once I saw a crowd...

A host of lovely daffodils.

Barbara: Danny, that's wordsworth.

Danny: Yeah.

Barbara: And, Danny...

Danny: Yeah.

Barbara: Knock it off

Barbara: What's wrong?

Danny: What are you doing here?

Barbara: What?

Danny: I...can't figure out what you're doing here.

Barbara: I'm here because I like you.

Danny: Why?

Barbara: Do you want a list?

Danny: Yeah.

Barbara: I think you're a nice guy.

And...and I thought well, maybe the two of us could get along, you know?

Maybe you could like me and...

Well, I know I'm not beautiful, but...

Danny: Oh, come on, knock it off.

You're...you're beautiful.

Barbara: No, I'm not.

Danny: Ah, yes you are.

Barbara: No.

Danny: Hey...yes...yes you are.

You're beautiful.

You are.

You're beautiful.

Barbara: Now that's what I call communicating.

Julie: Ladies and gentlemen, we're priviledged to have with us

tonight for a special performance one of america's

let's have a big welcome for Barry Keith.

Barry: Thank you...

I'd like to get one thing straight.

First of all I want you to know I'm sixty-seven years old...

I'm a lot different than other comics the same age, you know.

'Cause I'm really eighty-four...

Eighty- five...

It's on?

The Mike...It's on?

Can you hear me?

Uh...speaking about inflation because...

Remember the old days when...

You wouldn't give two cents for a guy...Remember them?

Huh?

Well, today it's three for a dollar.

Isn't that wild?

I know you're out there, I hear breathing...

You are an English speaking audience?...

Well, listen...I mean those used to get big laughs in the old days, you know?...

That's what it is...Old jokes, you know...

Why don't I get a stool, sit down, we'll talk a little bit...We'll rap and don't go

I'll be right back.

Thank you...

Things have changed.

Let's talk a little bit about the generation gap...

And I'm here to make it wider.

Julie: He once did my father a favor.

Gopher: I know what the favor was.

He didn't make him sit through the act.

Sorry.

Julie: No, you're right.

I never should have put him on.

I never should have let my personal feelings get in the way of doing my job...

That was a big mistake.

Gopher: True.

But come on, Julie, don't take it so hard.

You know I bet you in a couple of years time you'll look back on this whole thing and laugh.

Julie: I don't think so.

Gopher: I bet you will.

Julie: Maybe in ten years.

Gopher: At least.

Julie: Well, I am responsible...

I'm gonna go back there and take it like everybody else.

Gopher: What everybody else?

Barry: Thank you.

Thank you.

And the names they give kids today...A lot different than it was in my day.

My day had names like Tom, dick, Harry and Charlie, Mike.

You know...Today you go to the park you hear mothers say names like...

Michael Jeffrey...Or

Lafayette...

That's a first name.

Grandmother says Lafayette over there.

I'll tell you kids born today are a little bit different.

Let's face it.

Most kids born today have no spines...

Think I'm jokin', huh?

Go to any corner...

This is how they stand...Hey...

Hey, hey...

And another thing...When we used to take out girls, we didn't go home after we took the girl

We had to go back to the corner in the old days...

No matter what time, you went back to the corner 'cause you had to give a report...

They had to find out how you made out...

Get to the corner there'd be a lot of guys doin' somethin' like this to you...

And you go...

Or we know you lied...

Ah, listen, I want to thank you very much.

You've been a most wonderful audience and I am a little tired and I'm not lyin'.

Good night.

Isaac: Fantastic, Barry.

Fantastic.

Julie: Congratulations, Barry.

You were terrific.

Barry: I was...I was good?

Right?

Julie: Yeah.

Freddie: Barry Keith, where have you been hiding?

Barry: Huh?

Freddie: I've got plans for you, pal.

Come on, we've got to talk.

We'll start with some small clubs.

Maybe in a couple of months las Vegas, t.V., you know.

Barry: Later...later, okay?

Freddie: Look, this is important.

Barry: This is more important.

I'll see you later.

Julie, can you ever forgive me?

Julie: Oh...

Barry: But when you've been in the spotlight all your life and

suddenly they begin to ignore you...You panic...

You'd do anything to get their attention.

Anything to get them on top again.

But if it means losing the respect of a decent girl like yourself...

Then this time the price is too high.

Julie: Barry...it pains me to say this, but...

Barry: You still hate me?

Julie: You're standin' on my foot...

You were terrific.

Doc: Hold on.

Shirley: Doc, I'm sorry to bother you this late.

Doc: Shirley, you cute thing.

At last you see things my way.

Shirley: Doc, have you ever been in love?

Doc: Oh, at least once during every cruise.

Shirley: Oh...you see with Dave and me....It's the real thing.

Doc: Aha...well, why didn't you tell me?

Shirley: I tried.

But this whole thing mushroomed and now my grandmother is set on the idea of you and me.

Doc: I am quite a catch.

Why don't you just tell your grandmother what you told me?

Shirley: I don't know how to do that without hurting her feelings...

She's an old lady.

She's been both mother and father to me.

She has such high hopes for my future...I'm all she has.

Doc: And you're scared to mess with her.

Shirley: Right...oh, I'd never hear the end of it...

How she found me this terrific doctor and I turned him down.

Doc: Well, maybe she just doesn't know me well enough.

Shirley: What do you mean?

Doc: Shirley, ask your grandmother to be here in my office about three

I might just be able to turn her around.

Shirley: Oh, doc, I thank you...Dave thanks you.

Doc: Yeah.

Well, I'm a poor loser, Shirley, so don't come to me for your wasserman.

Gram: Oh, what a dream, this beautiful corsage from the doctor...

And asking us to be here, because he has something important to say.

Thank you, thank you big matchmaker up in the sky.

I always wanted a doctor in the family.

And what a practice.

People come to him from all over the ship.

Doc: (Singing)so set 'em up Joe.

I heard a lot of stories...

Gram: Oh my lord.

Doc: All ready to operate, nurse

take off your uniform.

Gram: Get your hands off of her!

Shirley: Oh, it's alright, grandma, we're almost engaged.

Gram: Over my dead body.

Leave her alone, you degenerate...

Oh, how did I ever get into this...

I am a stupid, old, meddling fool.

Shirley: That's right.

You're also a wonderful person and I love you very much.

Doc was just putting on an act for you because...

I didn't have the guts to tell you...That I'm in love with Dave.

Gram: I see.

Shirley: Do you, gram?

You always look at the surface of everything.

Do you think that a man is a better human being just because he's a doctor?

Doc: I always thought so.

Shirley: Gram, Dave is a wonderful guy, we have everything in common.

I think we can make a go of it.

Gram: Then what are you waiting for?

Let's go find him before he throws you over for some nobody.

Shirley: Ah, thanks, gram.

Gram: And I promise you from now on I will stay out of your affairs.

Danny: We're gonna be docking in San Pedro in about half hour.

Barbara: I wish we'd met earlier.

Um...

I have to go see the purser and everyone's gonna be hangin' around when we dock, so why

Danny: Okay...Goodbye and...Hello.

Angle Paul: Hey, hey, where've you been?

We've been lookin' all over for you.

Danny: I was just sayin' goodbye to somebody.

Carl: And does that somebody have anything to do with the towel

Danny: Towel?

On my door, huh?

Carl: Ah, does that smile look like the smile of a lover?

Paul: Yes, ladies and gentlemen it does.

Carl: Who was she, Romeo?

Paul: A name.

We gotta have a name?

Half the ship's money is riding on this.

Carl: Was she a real dog?

Huh?

Bow-wow city, real mercy case.

Let's have a name.

Danny: I...i don't know her name.

Paul: No name.

No proof.

Carl: Come on, I tell you about all my bimbos, don't I?

Danny: She wasn't a bimbo.

Carl: Oh, great.

Okay.

So it's true love.3

so what's her name?

Barbara: Danny!

See ya!

Danny: See ya.

Paul: That's her, isn't it?

Danny: Her no...No...

Look, I...There wasn't any...

Wasn't anybody...

There wasn't any girl...

I made it up.

Carl: Phew...right.

Let's go get our bundle.

Paul: Pick up our money before they leave the ship.

Carl: Danny if that was no girl...Who was that?

Danny: Just somebody who sits behind me in chemistry class...

I gotta go get my stuff together.

Freddie: Barry...barry, if you don't call me in the morning,

I'll be camping outside your doorstep.

Barry: Wonderful.

I live on the fifteen floor...

Well, folks that's it...Gotta cut out now.

Thanks for everything.

Julie: I'm glad I caught you before you left.

Bye bye, Barry.

Barry: Bye, bye, Julie.

Listen...you tell your father for me he's got a great, beautiful daughter...

You do have a sister, haven't you?

Julie: Bye bye.

Barbara: Hey, Danny!!!

Gram: A wonderful voyage.

I have a hat...A pair of leather sandals and a potential member of the family.

Shirley: Now, gram, you promised not to rush things.

Dave hasn't even asked me to marry him yet.

Dave: And I may not, at least for a couple of weeks yet.

Doc: I just want to say adios and warn you about the drinking

And wish you two a lot of luck.

Gram: Which they're going to need with a grandmother like me around.

Dave: Mrs.warner, I hope you're around for a long, long time.

Hey, doc, thanks for everything.

Shirley: Goodbye, doc.

Gram: Yeah...well...i wasn't so far off base.

You're a nice person, you're a terrible actor, but a nice person.

How would you like to meet my niece?

She has a pleasing personality, she can type...

Shirley: Come on, gram!

Gram: ...And her meatloaf is a joy to the palate.

Oh, and...And she's a former miss Illinois.

Doc: Did you say meatloaf?!!

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