Original subtitles

♪

♪ love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard, we're expecting you ♪

♪ love, life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow, it floats back to you ♪

♪ love boat soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile on a friendly shore ♪

♪ yes, love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

Janet: You're sure you don't mind me going alone?

Lucas: Why would I?

You've always been able to take care of yourself.

Janet: I know, I've had lots of practice.

Lucas: Janet, please.

You know this is a particularly difficult time for me to be away from the office.

Janet: It's always a bad time.

Ever since we've been married.

Christmas is a bad time. Easter's a bad time. Summer's a bad time.

Lucas: Somebody has to pay the bills.

The expensive penthouse apartment, the summer house, the fancy cars.

They all cost money.

Janet: I don't give a damn about those things, Lucas.

Lucas: Listen, you don't...You don't have to go on this cruise, you know.

I mean, nobody's forcing you.

Janet: I do have to go. I have some thinking to do.

Lucas: Well...

I'd better be heading back to town.

Janet: Aren't you gonna walk me to my cabin?

Lucas: No, I'm sure it's fine.

Besides, I don't want to hit the freeway traffic.

You take care of yourself, huh?

Janet: Guess I'll have to.

Lucas: Well, did you get a good look at her?

Dennis: Yes.

Tell me, what makes you suspect she's running off to meet a lover?

Lucas: That is my business.

I'm just paying you to watch.

Dennis: It's your money.

Lucas: I just want a full report in my office next week.

You'll collect your fee, I'll collect my facts,

and we'll never have to set eyes on each other again.

Dennis: That'll suit me fine, Mr. Bradford.

Maurice: Look at that thing.

Everybody outside there havin' a good time, laughin' and throwin' confetti.

What did you do with my camera?

Mrs. Marshall: I had to throw somethin'.

Maurice: See that, Stella.

Very nice.

That's the kind of thing that's caused our marriage to go prrp.

Mrs. Marshall: Our marriage hasn't gone prrp.

Our marriage has gone brrhh.

Maurice: Ah, welcome to the club alidante.

Julie: Hello. I'm Julie McCoy, your cruise director.

I'm here to see you have a good time.

Mrs. Marshall: Well, where have you been for the past twenty-three years, honey?

Maurice: Ah, we're the marshalls.

And you've probably heard of me. Maurice Marshall, the sausage king.

Julie: Oh, what a cute card, it's shaped like a little sausage.

Mrs. Marshall: You ought to see his legs.

[Laughing]

Julie: Ah, you're in suite three-fifty-eight, on the aloha deck.

You go up the stairs and out.

I hope you and the king have a very romantic cruise.

Mrs. Marshall: Honey, for the past ten years the king has been dead.

Maurice: I'd rather be dead than closed for repairs.

Mrs. Marshall: Hold it. Now you see?

Now you see what you're doing?

We're startin' all over again.

Maurice: You're right, you're right.

Mrs. Marshall: We're just trying to keep a marriage from goin' sour.

Maurice: And bitter.

Mrs. Marshall: And ugly.

Maurice: And repulsive.

Mrs. Marshall: And nauseating. But all we have is each other.

Maurice: I love you, too, sweetheart.

Dale: Joanne please, we can work this out.

Joanne: Can't you get it through your head. I don't want this to work out.

Dale: Okay, okay.

Maybe you don't love me right now.

Joanne: Dale, I never loved you.

Dale: Joanne, we had a relationship.

Joanne: No, you had a relationship.

We had a week at your uncle's beach house.

For a week at the beach I'd have a relationship with your uncle.

Dale: Joanne.

Joanne: Goodbye, Dale.

Dale: Joanne, you can't just go off like this with some guy you met in a car wash.

You don't know anything about him.

Joanne: I know everything I have to know about him.

He drives a Mercedes.

Dale: Look, wait.

Dale: I need a ticket for this cruise.

Who do I see?

Gopher: Oh, sir, I'm sorry we're completely booked.

Dale: Are you sure?

Maybe there's a cancellation. People do that all the time.

They make reservations and then they don't show up.

Gopher: Well, yes I know, sir.

But on our cruises all passengers pay in advance in full.

If they're alive they show up.

Dale: Oh, well, maybe somebody died.

Now would you check for me, please?

Gopher: Yes, sir.

Dale: Thank you.

Gopher: You're in luck.

Dale: Somebody died?

Gopher: No, cancelled, but i'm afraid you can't have it.

Dale: Why?

I'm a nice person. I know how to act on a ship.

I won't make a nuisance of myself. I won't eat with my hands.

Gopher: I'm sure you won't, sir.

Dale: Then sell me a ticket.

Gopher: I can't.

You're a man.

Dale: What's wrong with being a man?

Gopher: Nothing, sir.

I happen to be of the male persuasion myself, but these particular accommodations

involve sharing the cabin with another passenger.

And she happens to be a woman, which means we have to sell the space to another woman.

Dale: Alright, now look, I understand, but now let me ask you something.

What if...

Gopher: Sir, hold it...

Dale: Wh-wh-what if, what if...

Gopher: Sir, uh company policy.

We do provide entertainment, but only in the public rooms.

Dale: I had to be a man.

Woman: You want to trade?

Captain (v.O.): Welcome aboard the Princess, ladies and gentlemen.

Our five day cruise will depart shortly for puerto vallarta, cabo San Lucas, and Ensenada.

Our five day cruise will depart shortly for puerto vallarta, cabo San Lucas, and Ensenada.

[Boat horn]

Dale: Oh, hi. Um, is the bingo...

Never mind, I'll find it.

Gopher: You're a lucky young lady, miss Riley.

A man wanted this space, but I couldn't sell it to him.

Just be thankful you're a woman.

Dale: Oh, I am. Believe me.

I enjoy being a girl.

Gopher: I bet you the boys enjoy it, too.

Dale: Only if I let them.

[Laughing]

Doc: Be still my foolish heart.

Susan: Oh. Yes?

Dale: Oh...Yes, I think i'm supposed to be staying here.

Susan: Oh.

[Crying]

Dale: Of course, I could always come back later.

[Sobbing]

Dale: Or I could find another room.

Susan: No, no, no. It's not you.

How do you do?

My name is Susan richley.

Dale: Oh, I'm pleased to meet you.

My name's Dale, Dale Riley.

Susan: Dale.

Well i'm, I'm sorry that i'm acting this way.

It's just that this...This this is my honeymoon.

Dale: Shouldn't there be somebody else here?

Susan: Yes.

Jerry.

But he didn't show up for the honeymoon.

He didn't even show up for the wedding.

Dale: He didn't go to his own wedding?

Susan: No.

Dale: I can't believe that.

Susan: We waited for two hours.

All the candles burnt down,

and the organist was playing requests.

Dale: Oh, that's awful.

But I'm sure there must be an explanation.

Susan: There is.

On his way to the wedding...

Dale: Yeah?

Susan: He stopped off to pick up his tuxedo...

Dale: Hm-hm.

Susan: And he ran off with the girl who rented it to him.

Dale: See, I told you there was an explanation.

Oh, the man is an idiot.

Susan: I know, but I love him.

I can't live without him.

No matter what lousy thing he does to me.

Dale: So...

I know what you mean.

Susan: You do?

Dale: Sure.

You see I was sort of jilted myself.

Susan: What's his name?

Dale: Joanne.

Joe Ann, so I know what you mean.

Susan: Oh. Well, I guess you and I have a lot in common.

Dale: Yeah, we're both just a couple of lovesick girls.

What are you doing?

Susan: I'm gonna take a shower.

Dale: Here?

Susan: No, silly. In the bathroom.

Dale: Oh.

Man: Isaac here must be the best bartender on the ship, because he always pours you doubles.

Isaac: And he always charges you double.

Say freshen that drink up for you?

Man: No, thanks.

Isaac: You know you keep sippin' that drink like that

and I'm gonna have to have you arrested for loitering.

Carl: Hi, we're Carl and Linda dagett.

Dennis: Dennis Kingsley.

Carl: Hi.

Linda: Hi.

Man: Hi.

I noticed you sitting alone.

Would you care to dance?

Janet: No, thank you. I'm expecting someone.

Man: Lucky guy.

Janet: But thank you for asking.

Well, that's it for me.

Goodnight, Isaac.

Isaac: You know, after you've been in this business a while,

you get what's known as bartender's ears,

and these bartender's ears could have sworn they heard you say were expecting someone.

Janet: From now on, I'll have to remember to whisper around those ears.

I just didn't want to hurt the man's feelings.

Isaac: Oh, I dig.

That's like my grandfather used to say.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Well, he wasn't the first to say it.

Janet: Goodnight, Isaac.

Isaac: Goodnight.

Julie: I'm sorry, sir, but there's no joanne dressen on my passenger list.

Dale: Well, she's probably using his name.

Julie: She's using his name?

Dale: Well, I mean, she's with a man, uh Peter something.

Another p, I think, like Piper.

You don't have any Peter Piper's do you?

Julie: I have a Peter pringle.

Dale: That's it. Peter pringle.

Julie: Picked a peck of peppered shingles.

Sorry.

Ah, pringle. Mr. and Mrs. That's cabin e-two-one-four.

Dale: Two-one-four. Thanks.

By the way, they're not Mr. and Mrs.

Don't you have some kind of a rule about that?

Julie: No. Not unless one of them complains.

Dale: You're making this awful hard boy.

That's good. Uh-huh.

Now, now take the red queen, put it on the black king.

Hm-hm. That's fine.

Good...

And now the black six on the red seven.

That's good.

And now you can move the red five from the third column.

Dennis: Bloody Mary.

Doc: Hm-hm. And now the black six goes on the red seven.

Hm-hm. And now you can move the red five from the third column.

And start a new column with a king.

Hey, you're doin' great.

Janet: Oh, I didn't know I was playing.

Doc: Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't resist kibbitzing.

Janet: You've given the word solitaire a whole new meaning.

Greta: Busy, Adam?

Doc: Oh,hi...Hi,anytime you say.

Uh Janet, this is Greta wilkes.

I promised to take her on a tour of the ship.

Janet: Poor doctors, you're always on call.

Doc: Well, somebody's gotta do it.

You're lucky this isn't Wednesday.

I'd be playing golf.

Captain: Nice to see you.

Nice to see you. Nice to see you.

That's a linen closet.

Dale: Oh. Yes, I know.

Silly me I, I thought it was the powder room.

Captain: Yes, but it says linen.

Dale: Oh, yes, but when I'm in a hurry for the ladies' rest room, I don't have time to read.

You know how we girls are. Excuse me.

Captain: Yes, yes, I know, but I must say it's refreshing

to find a young lady these days who will admit it.

Dale: Yes.

Isn't it a crime these days what they're doing to the sexes?

Captain: Sad. Very sad.

If things keep going on like this, we could all end up just one big sex.

Dale: Mmmm. Better than no sex at all.

Captain: I hope we'll see each other again soon.

Dale: Well, I don't know.

It's such a big ship and all.

Captain: Not when you're the captain.

Maurice: Oh, babyface, my dearest darling, dreamboat, it's dinner time.

Mrs. Marshall: Coming kitten.

Well?

Maurice: Hey, c'mon! Get dressed.

We're gonna be late.

You think I got all day.

Look, I'm only kiddin'. You look beautiful, just beautiful.

Let's go.

Oh, almost forgot.

Thought the captain might like one of these party packets of assorted sausages.

Mrs. Marshall: Why?

Do you think if he was comin' to our house he would bring us a boat?

Maurice: C'mon, everybody likes sausage king's sausages.

Put them in your pocketbook.

I don't want to put them into my pocket because it'll spoil the line of my tux.

Mrs. Marshall: Oh, come on.

Maurice: I'm ready. I'm ready. You're holding things up...

Maurice: You know, I think this cruise is just what our marriage needed, darlin'.

Mrs. Marshall: Yes, we should have done this a long time ago, sweetheart.

Maurice: I told you.

I've been sayin'...

Man: Good evening.

Maurice: Ah, good evening.

Mrs. Marshall: Good evening.

Man: It's my favorite.

Now don't tell me.

What is that?

Mrs. Marshall: Chanel number five.

Man: Oh...

I thought I smelled sausage.

Mrs. Marshall: Here.

You take them.

Maurice: There's nothin' wrong with sausage.

Mrs. Marshall: Can't you complete just one sentence without using the word sausage?

Maurice: Oh!

I didn't know it bothered you that much.

It didn't seem to bother you when sausages was buyin' you diamonds and minks.

Oh no, you loved sausages then, didn't you?

Mrs. Marshall: Forget it.

I'm goin' back to the room.

Maurice: No, you don't. We promised to be good to each other.

Mrs. Marshall: That's why i'm goin' back to the room.

Because if I stay here any longer I'll kill you.

Maurice: No, we're gonna eat with the captain.

Mrs. Marshall: I'm goin' back to the room!

Maurice: Now look what you've done. We're stuck.

What am I supposed to do?

Mrs. Marshall: Oh, shut up and enjoy the sea air.

Dale: Good evening.

Isaac: Hey, doc, I can fix you up with that redhead.

Doc: On the last night of the cruise, maybe, not yet.

Susan: Dale.

Dale: Oh! I'm sorry I'll let you do that.

Susan: Thank you.

Dale: Ah we'd like a nice French red wine, please.

Something a little bubbly.

Thank you.

Susan: I shouldn't have come.

I mean it's crazy.

A honeymoon for one.

Dale: Look on the bright side.

When you get home you'll be well rested.

Susan: Jerry was always unpredictable.

We were at a drive-in movie once and I went to the snack bar,

and when I got back the girl from the box office was in the car with him.

Can you imagine?

I had to stand there eating buttered popcorn till the movie was over.

When you love someone you do dumb things. Degrading things.

Dale: Tell me about it?

Susan: Do you know them?

Dale: No.

Susan: I think he's beautiful.

Dale: Maybe a little too beautiful, if you know what I mean.

Susan: No way.

Straight arrow.

Dale: What? You can tell by looking at him?

Susan: I can tell by the way she's looking at him.

It's the same way I used to look at Jerry.

Dale: What's the matter, honey? Haven't you ever seen red hair before?

I wasn't talking to you.

Maurice: Hello, hello, hello...

We're stuck in the elevator.

No, they can't hear me.

Mrs. Marshall: They don't know how lucky they are.

Maurice: What am I doing?

Mrs. Marshall: Push the emergency button.

Maurice: I pushed it four times. You see the crowd and the traffic.

Mrs. Marshall: If you was any kind of man, you'd get us out of here.

Maurice: Ah...Well, I'll have to force open the trap door. Give me a boost.

Mrs. Marshall: What?

Maurice: Just cup your hands together.

I'll step in 'em and you boost me up to the roof.

Mrs. Marshall: Okay.

Maurice: Oh...You ready?

Mrs. Marshall: Yes.

Maurice: Okay. Alright, a little higher.

Mrs. Marshall: You're steppin' on my fingers.

Maurice: Lift me up.

If I could lift you I would have thrown you overboard this afternoon.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I got a better idea.

You lift me.

Maurice: Oh...

Okay, let me see.

Okay ready? Ready?

Mrs. Marshall: Yeah.

Maurice: Ah...Okay...Ah!

Mrs. Marshall: Well, what do I do now?

Maurice: Well, force open the trap door, climb onto the roof.

Shimmy up the cable, swing over to the door on the next floor,

pry it open and then call for help.

Mrs. Marshall: Let me down, fool.

I'd rather you step on my fingers.

Oh, my pearls...My pearls....

Maurice: Your pearls? What about my back?

Mrs. Marshall: You must be some kind of...

Carl: I hate anything with starch in it.

I look like a penguin.

Linda: Carl's still waiting for the night they allow pajama tops in the dining room.

Dennis: I don't know, I kind of enjoy getting into this thing.

Makes me feel like it's gonna be a big night.

Carl: A big night for penguins.

Linda: Stop complaining. You've got the feet to match.

Carl: Oh, oh. Hunny, hunny.

Linda: Oh, Dennis, I hope you don't mind,

but we invited a terrific girl we met at the pool today to join us for dinner.

Dennis: You'd better warn her to be careful...The stretch owner's about to hit his stride.

[Laughing]

Linda: Oh, here she is.

Carl: Hi, Janet.

Janet: Hi.

Carl: Say hello to Dennis Kingsley.

Dennis, Janet Bradford.

Dennis: How are you?

Janet: Nice to know you.

Linda: You look beautiful tonight.

Janet: Thank you.

Don't you just love getting dressed for dinner.

It makes me feel so festive.

Carl: Yes uh, Dennis just said the same thing.

Dennis: Well, we lovers of elegance had better stick together.

Wine?

Janet: Oh, I'd love some.

It's a very good year.

Dennis: What better way to start a very good evening.

Carl: To a festive night.

Isaac: How 'bout that, she's warm for your form.

Doc: I'd rather give my body to science.

Julie: It's stuck between floors, sir.

The electrician said it's a short in the wiring.

Captain: I thought I smelled insulation burning.

Julie: I thought I smelled sausages.

Dennis: So I look out the kitchen window, and there's my little girl missy, who's six,

sitting there very quietly holding a tin can on her head.

While her brother, Mark, who's nine bangs on top of the can with a shovel.

But she just sat there, she didn't say a word.

So I run outside and I say to her,

how can you sit there like that?

How can you sit there and let him do that to you?

And she just looks up at me with those innocent little eyes and says,

it's okay, daddy, he's almost through.

Janet: Oh, they sound terrific.

Are there just the two?

Dennis: Oh, are you kidding?

Janet: For your sake, I hope those all aren't children.

Dennis: Yeah, well, they're not.

One's a credit card.

That's how I paid for the children.

There's missy, you can tell from the dent in her head.

That's Mark,and those are the twins, Amy and Jennifer. They're four.

Janet: You'd better hold onto that credit card. You're gonna need it.

Oh, is that your wife?

Dennis: Hm...She died two years ago.

If it weren't for the kids I never would have made it.

We were pretty close.

Janet: She's very beautiful.

Dennis: And fun.

We did everything together.

Took courses, played tennis, listened to music, went for long walks.

Janet: That's the way it should be.

Dennis: It's funny. This is the first time I ever took a trip without her.

We both hated to travel alone.

I'm sorry, that was stupid of me.

Janet: Why, that's alright.

My husband would have come, but he's very busy.

Dennis: I think he's very foolish.

Janet: Well, it's been lovely.

Thank you for a nice evening.

Dennis: My pleasure.

Well say, why don't we have one dance?

Janet: Oh, I don't know...

Dennis: Well, come on now.

We didn't put these glad rags on for nothing, did we?

Besides, if we don't join Carl and Linda, you know, they're gonna think we fell overboard.

Janet: Okay.

Dennis: Shall we?

Janet: Alright.

Dennis: Remember what I said about one dance?

Janet: Hm-hm.

Dennis: I lied.

I really meant eleven.

Susan: I don't want to be alive.

Dale: Oh, yes you do.

Susan: No.

I can't live without Jerry.

Dale: Well, come on now, you'll find somebody else.

Susan: There's nobody in the world like Jerry.

Dale: Oh, Susan.

Susan: What?

Dale: Don't you have a nightgown?

Susan: This was supposed to be my honeymoon I didn't think i'd need a nightgown.

Why are your eyes doing that?

Dale: Hm?

Oh that? Oh...Well, that's just a...A nervous condition.

Susan: I'll give you a tranquilizer.

Dale: No!

That'll just make me more nervous.

Sleep. I need sleep.

Either that or a cold shower.

Mrs. Marshall: Can a captain marry a couple at sea?

Maurice: Sure he can.

Mrs. Marshall: Perfect.

Then he can divorce us.

Maurice: Ah, well it's too bad he's not trapped in here with us,

because by the time this door is open, I could walk out of here a free man.

Mrs. Marshall: It depends on what you mean free.

I've got twenty years invested in this, buster, and I'm gettin' my share.

We're gonna split it fifty-fifty.

I'll take the car and you take the garage.

Maurice: No, no, no, no, hold on.

What do you think, I'm some kind of idiot?

Mrs. Marshall: Okay.

Then you take the garage and I'll take the car.

Maurice: Okay. It's a deal.

I want to be fair.

Mrs. Marshall: I'll take the kids.

Maurice: Oh, oh, no you don't.

Look, I love those kids just as much as you do.

I poured out everything I have inside of me out for those kids.

We're gonna divide them up, too.

You take....What's his name and I'll take the short one.

Mrs. Marshall: The short one?

You don't even remember her name.

Maurice: What's the difference? I know her when I see her.

I'll bet you if we traced our marriage back to the first insult,

we'd find out who's to blame for this mess we're in now.

Mrs. Marshall: That's easy.

It was the day we got married.

The minister said, is there any reason why this couple should not be joined in marriage

and you said, give me a minute. I'll come up with something.

That was funny.

Maurice: Your mother thought so, too.

Oh, by the way, you get to keep your mother.

Mrs. Marshall: Now wait a minute, let's be fair.

Maury, you don't really want a divorce, do you?

Who would you have to fight with?

Maurice: Well, there's always Jack Dawson down at the plant.

Mrs. Marshall: Jack Dawson!

You call him a fighter?

He's not even in my class.

Maurice: Yeah, you're right, and he can't cook.

Mrs. Marshall: Well, neither can i.

Maurice: Well, how many things can you do with a sausage?

Mrs. Marshall: Maury.

When we were in the cabin, and I was sayin' how much I loved you,

and you were sayin' how beautiful I was. That didn't seem like us.

Maurice: You know what that is, doll?

Mrs. Marshall: Yes.

Some people say it without feeling it. And some people feel it without sayin' it.

Maurice: Yeah.

Mrs. Marshall: Maury, just once,

i want to hear you say it and feel at the same time.

Maurice: Oh, I love you doll.

Captain: Mr. and Mrs. Marshall, my sincere apologies for this inconvenience.

I'm just happy that we finally got you out...

Well, that's Chanel number five.

Gopher: Sausage.

Dennis: Here's a book you've got to read.

"A moveable feast." It's hemmingway's best.

Janet: Oh, it's always been my favorite.

Dennis: You mean you've read it?

I just blew five bucks.

Hey, gopher?

Gopher: Hm-hm?

Dennis: Got a book for you.

It'll change your whole life.

Gopher: Hey, "a moveable feast".

I can always use another cookbook.

Janet: Sorry, gopher, that's my book.

It was a present.

Gopher: Well.

Janet: Let's see.

"If you're lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man,

then wherever you go for the rest of your life it stays with you,

for Paris is a moveable feast."

Dennis: A show-off.

Peter: Look, honey, I've got to make a call.

Grab some rays and then we'll go back to the cabin and...Work up an appetite for lunch, huh?

Joanne: Oh, Peter, you're outrageous.

Peter: Oh, I love it.

Joanne: Bye bye.

Dale: If you ask me, I think he's a bozo.

Joanne: Dale, what are you doing here?

Dale: A friend of mine brought me.

I'm having an affair with a seven-forty-seven.

Joanne, look, I don't care what you've done.

I love you and I want you back.

Joanne: Dale!

Dale: Please, you don't have to say anything.

I...i forgive you.

Joanne: What in the name. I...

Dale: I do forgive you running off with this guy, the do not disturb sign,

working up an appetite for lunch, everything. I love you.

And that's all that matters. Love.

You and me together forever and ever, amen.

Joanne: Look, Dale, there never was any love.

There never will be any love.

Zero love, Dale, I don't love you.

Dale: So what are you trying to tell me?

Joanne: Dale!

Dale: You do love this guy?

Joanne: Who?

Dale: Peter dingle.

Joanne: Pringle.

I don't know.

Why does everything with you have to be love?

Who says I love anybody?

You know what I love?

I love his Mercedes, and not your jalopy.

Goodbye, Dale.

And I really mean it this time. Goodbye!

Janet: That does it.

Dennis: You're the luckiest person I know.

Janet: How come when I win, it's luck, and when you win it's skill?

Let's see eighty cents for this game.

That makes three-ninety you owe me.

Dennis: Three-ninety. Well I hope you're on master charge.

Janet: For someone who expected to be miserable, I'm really having a great time.

Dennis: I'm glad.

Janet: How 'bout another game?

Dennis: Well, I'm game if you're game.

I'm sorry I said that.

Here we go.

Dale (v.O.): It would be easy, just step up on the rail, jump,

and they'd never find my body...

My mother would hate that, she wouldn't have anything to Bury.

Dale: Hey!

Hey!

Susan: Let me go!

Dale: Why? Dead is a lousy way to live.

Susan: Oh, you don't know anything about it.

Dale: I know your mother would hate it.

Susan: What?

Dale: Both your parents.

Death always makes them feel like failures.

And over what? Some guy? It's not worth it.

Look, I was just about to do the same thing myself over there. I know what I'm talkin' about.

Susan: You were?

Dale: Yes.

And if you kill yourself, I couldn't kill myself.

People would think I'm a copycat.

Let me put it another way.

Have you ever dived off something this high before?

Susan: No.

Dale: Well, it's gotta be a hundred feet. You could kill yourself.

Susan: You know, you're right.

I could kill myself.

Dale: Yeah.

So how 'bout it, lady? You want to get down now?

Susan: Yeah.

Dale: Okay. Can I give you a hand?

Susan: Yes.

Oh!

Dale: Oh!

Gopher: Man overboard!

Dale: Well, to me it was love, yeah, but to her it was a week at my uncle's beach house.

Susan: That's really cold.

Dale: No colder than a guy leaving his bride at the altar while he tries on a tuxedo.

Not to mention the girl who rents it.

Susan: Well, I guess we're both losers.

Dale: Yeah.

Susan: You know, you haven't even told me your name.

Dale: Dale.

Dale r...Rhinehart.

Susan: Dale?

You're the second Dale I've met on this ship.

Well, my roommate's name is Dale.

Dale: Susan, we have to talk.

Susan: Oh, I'd really love to, Dale.

But I really should find Dale...The other Dale.

You see, I promised to meet her and I don't want her worrying.

She has a nervous condition.

Dale: Uh-huh.

Well, maybe we can talk over dinner.

Susan: Oh, I...I already promised to have dinner with Dale number one.

Dale: I'm sure she'd understand.

Susan: But, I'd feel terrible.

You see she's...Sort of not very attractive.

Dale: Oh?

How 'bout after dinner?

Susan: Oh, I'd like that.

Dale: Yeah?

Susan: Yeah.

Dale: Nine o'clock?

Susan: Great.

Dale: Alright.

I'll see you then?

Dale: Maybe even before.

Susan: So there we were, Dale and I, soaking wet in the cabin.

He had just saved my life, and suddenly, suddenly it was if Jerry never existed.

Dale: Maybe this other Dale...

Maybe it's just that he was in the right place at the right time.

Maybe that's why you think he's attractive.

You do think he's attractive, don't you?

Susan: Ah, yes, and kind, and strong and...

To tell you the truth, if I hadn't been afraid that you might walk in, I might have...

I would have...

Dale: You wouldn't.

Susan: I know that's not like me at all, but that's what I wanted to do.

You know what I'm saying.

You're a woman.

Dale: Well...

Susan: I mean, we have feelings like that, too.

Sometimes when you see a total stranger, you know, like in a supermarket,

and he really does something to you,

but you're a woman, so you're not supposed to feel things like that.

So you pretend he's not there.

No matter how he makes you feel, you never do anything about it.

Dale: You do something about it at the supermarket, they won't cash your checks anymore.

Susan: Dale....Could you do something for me?

Dale: Anything. Anything.

Susan: Tonight, do you think you could...Find someplace else to sleep?

Dale: Are you ser...Are you serious?

Susan: You understand.

Dale: Hm-hm.

Susan: Well, it's almost nine o'clock.

Dale: Is it?

Susan: Yes. I'll see you tomorrow. And thank you.

Oh, thank you, Dale.

Dale: Oh...No problem.

Susan, if it'll make you happy, believe me, it'll make me happy.

Susan: Thanks.

Captain: Miss Riley?

Dale: Yes.

Captain: You walked right past my table and didn't even say hello.

Dale: Oh, captain, i'm...

Captain: Now you are not trying to ignore me, are you?

Dale: Moi?

Oh, captain, I was looking for someone...

Captain: Miss Riley, I think it's time you and I got to know each other better.

Susan: Excuse me, Julie?

Julie: Yes?

Susan: Julie, I'm waiting for a passenger.

A Mr. Dale rhinehart, who's late.

Would you by any chance know what cabin he's in?

Julie: Well, I don't right off hand, but I can certainly check for you.

I'll be right back.

Janet: The days are going by too quickly.

Dennis: Yes, they are.

Janet: I find myself counting how little is left rather than how much is ahead.

Dennis: Tomorrow cabo San Lucas, and the next stop home.

Janet: No. This is wrong.

I was wrong to start something I can't finish.

My heart keeps saying yes...But I'm old-fashioned, Dennis.

I made a vow once and that means something to me.

Dennis: Janet...

Janet: I couldn't be happy if I deceived Lucas, no matter how bad my marriage is.

You do understand that, don't you?

Once trust and respect are gone, there's nothing left.

Dennis: Look, Janet, there's something I have to tell you.

Janet: Please, don't tell me anything, okay?

Dale: I really appreciate you showing me the bridge in your office, captain.

Captain: Yes, this is where it all happens, miss Riley.

The buck stops here.

Dale: Fascinating, but I do have to go.

Captain: But you haven't seen any of my radar equipment.

Dale: How much can a girl take in one night?

Captain: And miss Riley.

Dale: Hm-hm?

Captain: A man gets very lonely at sea.

Dale: Hm, yes, I can imagine.

We must discuss it sometime tomorrow.

Captain: Tomorrow?

Dale: Yes.

Can we discuss it tomorrow? Tomorrow's one of my favorite days.

Captain: It might be one of my favorite days.

Four bells, my office?

Dale: Fine. I'll see you then.

Captain: Bye bye.

Dale: Bye.

Dale: Somebody stole my clothes.

Damn!

Julie: Oh hi.

I'm sorry I took so long, but, there's no Mr. Rhinehart on the ship.

Susan: It figures.

You'd think I'd learn by now, wouldn't you?

I mean, all men do is lead you on.

They tell you things that they think you want to hear,

and you can never believe anything they say.

Do you know what?

I bet that he wasn't even going to kill himself either!

Oh, Dale, he didn't show up.

Dale: He didn't?

Susan: No!

Dale: Oh, you poor dear.

Susan: I thought he was gonna be different.

He turns out to be just as rotten as the rest of them.

Dale: Not him.

Susan: Yes.

Dale: He's a wonderful person...From what you've told me about him.

Come Susan, let me take you back to the cabin.

Susan: Oh, Dale, what am I gonna do?

Dale: Sshhh.

Susan: Nobody wants me.

First Jerry, now Dale, the other Dale.

Oh Dale.

Oh Dale.

Oh Dale!

Linda: I had a cinnamon one this morning, it was really good. Cinnamon and raisins.

You have that one?

Janet: Pardon me?

Julie: Would you like a Danish?

Janet: No, I'm looking for a passenger.

Mr. Dennis Kingsley.

I tried his room and he wasn't there, and he wasn't at breakfast today.

Julie: No, Mr. Kingsley went ashore.

He decided to fly back to los Angeles.

Dale: Hi.

Gopher: Hi.

Dale: I'd like to book passage on this same cruise in two weeks.

Gopher: Certainly, sir.

Captain: Well, you must have really enjoyed it.

Dale: Uh yes, we...I mean, I did. Thank you.

Captain: Well, it's funny I try to meet all the passengers on this ship,

and I don't seem to remember meeting you.

Dale: Oh, well, I stayed in my cabin most of the time.

Ah, that's a reservation for Mr...

Captain: Oh, but you know, you do look familiar to me.

Gopher: Looks familiar to me, too, sir.

Captain: Yes.

Are...are...are you sure we haven't met?

Dale: Positive. But I do remember peeking out of my cabin one night and seeing you

by the linen closet with a big redhead.

Captain: Yes...Yes...As I said, I try to meet everyone.

Dale: That's a reservation for Mr. and Mrs. Dale rhinehart.

Gopher: Oh, you're married?

Dale: No, but I will be by then.

I'll see you in two weeks.

Bye.

Gopher: It couldn't be...

Captain: No...It couldn't be.

Maurice: Thank you, Julie, it was a wonderful trip.

Mrs. Marshall: We really enjoyed it.

Julie: Oh, good.

Hey, I'm sorry about the elevator.

Maurice: Ah, forget it.

Come on, I'm in a hurry to get home to my little fellows.

Julie: Oh, the children?

Maurice: No, my sausages.

Dennis: Janet, I have to explain.

Janet: You don't have anything to explain.

Dennis: Please, hear me out.

I came back for two reasons.

The first is something I should have told you long ago.

I tried on deck the other night, but...

Look.

Your husband hired me to take this cruise to watch you.

I flew back to Los Angeles and gave him his money back.

I told him you're the best wife a man could have.

Janet: Thank you.

Dennis: The second reason i'm here is...I had to tell you I love you.

I know how you must feel but, if in time you...Well.

I'll be waiting.

Lucas: Hi. How did it go?

Janet: Hello, Lucas.

Lucas: Well, how did it go?

Did you...Did you meet any interesting new people?

Janet: Just one man. Your man.

Lucas: Yes, well...

Look, Janet...Why don't we...Why don't we go back to the house and...

See if we can't talk things out. Okay?

Janet: There's nothing left to talk about.

In a way, you did me a favor.

I'll check into a hotel.

Goodbye, Lucas.

Taxi?

Dennis: Can I give you a lift?

Janet: Yes, I think I need one.

Dennis: Janet.

Janet: It's the least you can do seeing you still owe me three-ninety from backgammon.

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