All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s04e14 The Big Picture.eng

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, hey, hey.
What you think you're doing?

Getting some coffee.
BERNIE: No, no, no, no, no.

You're too young
to drink coffee.

Put that down.
VANESSA: Fine.

There's a coffee stand
at school.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hold that thought.

(PHONE BEEPS)
Hello?

WALKER (OVER PHONE):
Uh, yes. Hello. This is Principal Walker

calling from Chicago.

Principal Walker.
WALKER (OVER PHONE): Yes, that's right.

Hey, man, how you doing?
WALKER (OVER PHONE): Fine, is this Bernie?

Yeah, this is Bernie Mac.

WALKER (OVER PHONE):
(LAUGHS) Bernie, your old school wants to honor you.

What?
WALKER (OVER PHONE): With a statue.

You got to be kidding.

(LAUGHS)

I mean, Principal,
I mean, I just can't believe it.

WALKER (OVER PHONE):
It's our honor. Thank you for calling, okay?

Appreciate it. I do.

Hey.
Honey,

please.
Hmm?

Please, honey,
I almost hurt myself.

Could you hang
the picture up, honey? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Today?
Yes.

Listen to me.

That was
the principal calling.

They think my work
is an inspiration for the kids.

They want to honor me
in Chicago.

Ain't that
something?

What? That's wonderful.
I'm happy for you.

What...
When is it?

They said
someone's gonna call with all the details,

but dig this.
Hmm?

They want to make
a statue of me,

place it where I used
to cut class

and tell all my
jokes and stuff.

Okay, guys.
What do you think about that?

Your uncle's
being honored in Chicago?

Do we get to go
and miss school?

Nope.

Some big whoop.

It is a big whoop, America.

I used to love
to make people laugh in high school,

but back then,
they give you detention.

Now they giving me,
the Mac Man,

Bernie Mac, a statue?

I don't do what I do
for recognition, America,

but when you do things
and you don't expect nothing from it,

I have to truly say, America,

it sure is nice.

It's real nice.

Thanks for
having me tonight.

Tonight.
Hey, honey.

Hey, baby.
How's the speech coming?

I don't know.
I'm a little nervous, man.

I haven't performed
in front of kids in a long time.

Aww,
you'll be fine, honey. Mwah.

Hey, you know what?
I forgot to tell you at dinner. What?

Your school called
and I got all the info for your trip.

You're kidding.
Nope.

So all I got to do
is book a flight?

Did it. Bam.

You gotta
be kidding. Here's your itinerary.

You leave
next Thursday.

Uh-oh.

What?
Mmm, 4A.

Yeah.

That's a window.
Yeah.

I really don't
do windows.

I do aisles.

Hate the clouds.

It's no big deal.

Well...
I'll change it.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

BERNIE: Ahh.

You're gonna
be clean, there, brother.

Here you go.

I brought you the big one
in case you want to stay

a couple of
extra days or weeks.

(LAUGHS)

You're something else.

Hey.
Hey, baby.

Oh, Wanda.

I was afraid
you might not be able to get off early.

You picked up
my dry cleaning. Thank you.

Ta-dah.

Wait a minute.

This is not
my red suit.

This is my
cranberry-red suit.

Honey, this is your
very sharp suit, okay?

No, it's not.

Honey, it is.

All you have to do is
put a cream-colored shirt with it, honey,

and you'll look
fantastic.

Here.

I got you
a neck pillow.

(PHONE RINGING)
You remember.

The crook
in my neck. (PHONE RINGING)

I liked
the other one better.

Anyway...
(GRUNTS)

...this is
top notch.

Stop playing.
BRYANA: Uncle Bernie!

Go ahead.
I'll pack. Stop hollering!

BRYANA: Uncle Bernie!
Stop hollering!

(SIGHS)

(PHONE BEEPS)

Hello, this is Bernie Mac.
WALKER (OVER PHONE): Bernie, you still in L.A.?

Yeah, yeah.
WALKER (OVER PHONE): What? (YELLING)

Oh, ho, ho.
Calm down.

Chill-ax.
WALKER (OVER PHONE): The ceremony was today!

What do you mean "today"?
WALKER (OVER PHONE): Today!

The kids were all excited,
but of course you didn't bother to show up.

No, no, no, no, no.
WALKER (OVER PHONE): (YELLING)

Whoa, oh-ho.

Tell me this is
the Bernie Mac you remember?

WALKER (OVER PHONE):
That's what I said.

Apparently school still
means nothing to you.

Principal Walker,
let me do this.

Let me sort this out,

and I'll call you
right back. WALKER (OVER PHONE): Fine.

Okay, I promise.
WALKER (OVER PHONE): Fine.

All right, thank you.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Honey,
what's wrong?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

The ceremony is today.

No, I specifically remember
booking your flight

the day before my conference,
which is tomorrow. Oh!

Oh, my God.

Oh, honey.

I must have put
both dates in my head,

and I booked your flight
for the date of my conference.

I'm sorry.

BERNIE: Oh, Wanda,
what am I gonna do now?

Can they reschedule?

BERNIE: No,
they can't reschedule.

They already revealed
the statue.

Probably got graffiti
all on it.

So you're
not going?

Apparently not.

(SIGHS) Great.

Honey, I am so sorry.

Wanda, I just can't believe
you got the date wrong.

(GRUNTS)

It was a mistake.

A big mistake, Wanda.

(SIGHS) Okay,
you know what?

I made an error.
I'm sorry.

I mean, between my job
and corralling the kids,

and making dinner
and booking your flight

and picking up
your suit

and picking up
a neck pillow for you,

I made one mistake.

On the biggest part!

You know what?

I don't work
for you.

I'm your wife,

and sweetheart,
if you don't like the way I do things...

hire an assistant.

(SIGHS)

(BRIGHT PING)

That's not a half-bad idea.

Oh, I know Wanda said it
to be snippy, but why not?

See, America,
with an assistant,

there's less
for Wanda to do

and therefore
there's less for her to mess up.

Win, win.

Problem solved.

Everybody's happy.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, you must
be America.

Hi, I'm Dosha,

Mr. Mac's
personal assistant.

Mr. Mac is expecting you.

You just follow me, please.

Can I get you anything?

Water?

No? Okay.

Well, here we are.

Mr. Mac, your 3:00 is here.

BERNIE: I'm not here.
(SIGHS)

Mr. Mac, it's America.

BERNIE: Oh, America.

Send them right in.
(CHUCKLES)

After you.

BERNIE: Hey.

How you doing?

(DOOR SHUTS)
Hey, America,

look at that.

Isn't she fantastic?

My own personal assistant.

Now, I know what
some of you all are thinking.

Bernie Mac with his own
personal assistant,

he's gone Hollywood.

That's not so,

and just because
I'm my own man,

I'm self made,

don't...
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

...don't think I can't make
my own cappuccino.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

(SIGHS) Look
at that, America.

Oh, smell the cocoa.

Mmm.

And the foam.

That's what
turns me on. Mm-hmm.

It's kind of cold.

Would you like me
to warm it up?

Yes, would you?

I'm so sorry.

...this meeting
on Monday.

BERNIE: Tuesday.
That's when I trap shoot, and everything.

Oh, hey, honey.

Hey, baby.
Hi, I'm sorry.

I didn't know
we had company. Mwah.

I'm sorry,
that's a little early for Mr. Mac.

Oh.
Can we try a lunch meeting?

Sure. I'll hold.

Who's that?

Her name
is Dosha. Oh.

She's my
new assistant.

You have
a new assistant?

Yeah. You're the one
who recommended it.

Yeah, I did
recommend it,

but obviously you didn't
really understand what I meant.

Excuse me,
Mr. Mac. Yes.

You're confirmed
for lunch

with Mr. Hudland tomorrow,
1:00 at the Ivy. All right.

I'm so sorry.
I'm Dosha.

Hi. I'm Wanda.
Wanda Mac, April 26. Yes.

Hey, that's
her birthday.

Mm-hmm.
She even got that down.

Well...
So you know I'll never forget it now.

It's on
every calendar in the house.

Yeah.
Yeah.

(KEYBOARD BEEPING)

Hi. Dosha, right?

Yeah. Jordan,
December 2nd.

Hey, you're good.

Wow. Uncle Bernie
sure knows a lot of famous people.

I didn't know Sean Wayans
had brothers. (CHUCKLES)

Who's Paul Levesque?

Oh, you know him,
that's Triple H.

You mean the wrestler?

Uncle Bernie
knows Triple H? Guess so.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got some inputting to do.

Huh? Oh, sure.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(KEYBOARD BEEPING)

(PHONE BEEPING)

(PHONE RINGS AND BEEPS)
Hello?

Is this Triple H?
Wrong number.

JORDAN (OVER PHONE):
Okay, I know it's you, Paul.

Just say it one time
and I'll leave you alone.

Say what?
You know.

"I am the game
and I am that damn good."

I'm hanging up.

I'll just keep calling.

All right, one time,
all right?

But you never
call here again you got that?

I promise.

I am the game,
and I'm that damn good.

No, say it like
you mean it.

Say it like you're
gonna pedigree

Stone Cold
Steve Austin.

I am the game
and I'm that damn good!

Cool. Talk to you
tomorrow. Bye.

Hey, wait!

(PHONE BEEPS)

Oh! Good evening,
Mrs. Mac. Oh, Dosha.

I threw that
frozen lasagna in the oven for dinner.

Should be ready in
about a half hour.

That's for tomorrow night.

I'm sorry.
Mr. Mac said he was hungry

and I was just trying
to get dinner going.

Mm.
It looked delicious.

Was it your recipe?

Mm-hmm.

BERNIE: Oh, hey, I feel
a little tired tonight.

(MOAN)

Mmm. You smell nice.
Is that new? Thank you.

Yeah, baby.

Dosha bought it
for me.

Isn't she amazing?
Smell it.

Yeah, I smelled you
when you got in bed.

Mmm.

(MOAN)
(CLEARS THROAT)

What's wrong, baby?

You know, I've been buying
you lotion for 12 years. Uh-huh.

And I don't remember
you calling me amazing.

Oh, Wanda. You know
I love the way you buy me lotion.

Come on, now.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

No. You know what?
I'm not playing.

What you talking about?

You know...
(SIGHS)

you make me feel like
you don't appreciate

all the little things
that I do for you. Aw, stop it. I'm not,

I'm not going there
with you. Not tonight.

Come on, now, Wanda.

I appreciate
everything you do for me.

I might not notice
a lot, baby,

because they be
so little.

I'm a big-picture man.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, sweetheart,
you forgot to set the alarm this morning.

Oh, did I?
Yeah, you did.

Made me miss
my golf time

at the Riviera
this morning.

You know it takes me
months to set that tee time up.

Doggone it.
Who set the butter inside the refrigerator?

Oh, I guess
I did that.

Sweetheart, you know
how much I hate that.

It gets all hard
and cold and everything.

Then when
I go to put it on the toast,

it puts holes
in the toast.

Damn.

You see what
she's trying to do, America? Don't you?

She's trying to
make me feel bad.

Punish me
by withholding her niceties.

But what she can't see is,

there's a hole in her plan,

and I know
how to fill it.

Oh, yeah.

And I'll watch
the kids for you, no problem.

BERNIE: Dosha, I...
you don't have to do that.

It's okay,
it's all right. I don't mind.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

WANDA:
Afternoon, Dosha.

Hi, Mrs. Mac.

Hi, baby.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me, Dosha.

Hey.

You know, I want
to apologize to you, I really do.

For all the things
you been doing.

I know it had to be
quite boring to you.

Uh-uh,
I never said it was boring.

BERNIE: But it couldn't
have been any fun.

You no longer
have to do that.

Especially with
Dosha here. Right, Dosha?

Sure, I guess so.

Hmm.

So I'm being replaced
by your assistant?

No, no. Ain't no...

ain't no such thing.

I ain't got
no doggone assistant.

We have an assistant.

"We"?

That should handle everything.

Now that she doesn't have
to take care of Mac Man,

Wanda have more time
for herself.

And let me tell you
something, America.

This assistant thing

is real easy to get used to.

DOSHA: Excuse me,
America.

Mr. Mac,
here's your mail.

Minus the junk mail,
of course.

Thank you.

Ooh.

You know what?
Thank you for all of your help.

It's what I do.
All right.

Dosha.

You know I had
a 4:00 appointment w-with Mama Kim?

You told me...
You told me

that you were going
to watch the kids.

That lady
cursed me out in Korean.

Ooh.
I'm sorry, but Mrs. Mac said it was okay

and asked me
to help her run a few errands.

Yeah, because
she's our assistant.

No, she's more mine
than she is yours.

You know, maybe
I should go check

some e-mails
or something. No, no, no.

You don't need
to go check on no e-mail.

You haven't done
anything wrong.

You know, maybe you
should go check on some e-mails, sweetie,

and let me talk
to my husband in private.

You don't tell her
where to go

when I'm talking
to her, Wanda.

That's your problem.
You interfere.

Excuse me, hi, hey,
you know what? This conversation

is about to
get heavy. Hey, hi, there.

This is starting
to feel a lot like Nick Nolte's house

and I really
don't need this. Here you go.

Thank you.
How's this...

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

WANDA: Why are
you talking to her like that...

So, you quit?
WANDA: ...if she's supposed to be your assistant?

I ain't never had
nobody quit on me. See? You know what?

America.

Wanda did that on purpose.

She knew my nails was raggedy.

What's her problem?

I was nice enough
to share my assistant with her.

Try to make her life easier.

Spiteful woman.

I ought to get
a new assistant

just to deal with
all her bull.

(PHONE BEEPING)

WANDA: Bernie?
Hmm?

It kills me
every time I see this picture.

Could you please
hang it up now?

I can't do it now.

I'm texting Jerry
about my concert dates.

Okay, so when
do you think you'll have time?

I don't know.
Ever since Dosha quit,

I've had to do things
by myself.

So, thanks to you,

I'll get to it
whenever I get to it.

To what?

Thanks to me,
Dosha quit?

It's not my fault.

And congratulations,
your little plan worked.

What plan?
To punish me for having that assistant.

Why do I bother?

Yeah,
why do I bother?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(PHONE BEEPING)

(PHONE RINGS)

(PHONE BEEPS)

Hello?

Hey, Trip, it's me.

'Course it is.

So what you doing?

Nothing.

What are you doing?

I built a ramp
for my bike.

You should have
seen it.

I got some
sweet air.

Oh, you should be
careful with that.

You might break
your neck.

I'd like to
do that myself.

You sound just
like my uncle.

Oh, yeah?
Who's your uncle?

Nuh-uh, I wasn't
born yesterday.

Oh, what a hit!

What ya watching?

Uh, Fox Sports,
Channel 203.

Hold it,
they're gonna replay it.

TRIPLE H:
Oh, that was a vicious hit.

I know.
He laid him out cold!

(CLATTERING)

(SIGHS) Doggone it,
where is it?

Ooh.

You made a mess.
BERNIE: It's my house.

I can make
a mess.

Oh, baby girl,

do you know
what Aunt Wanda did with my charger?

No. Do you want
me to ask her? No, no, no, no.

I don't want you
to ask her nothing. I'll do it myself.

(THUDS)
(WANDA SCREAMS)

Bernie!
What the hell is that?

Wanda?

(WANDA MOANS)
BERNIE: Hey, hey, hey, you all right?

No, I was trying to
hang the picture up

and it fell
on my foot.

Why would you
try to do that? I'd have done it for you.

Ugh.
BERNIE: No, no, no! D-don't try to move.

I'm gonna
call the doctor.

WANDA: Wouldn't it be easier
if you just drove me to the emergency room?

Hell, no.

Ain't no second year intern
gonna look at my wife's foot.

I'm calling
the Lakers' doctor who looked at, uh...

at Shaq's toe.

You stay right there.

Don't move.

(GROANING)

So what age
did you start growing?

You do realize
when I find out who you are,

I'm gonna kill you.

Yeah, but you
won't find out.

Hey, I'm on
the phone.

Jordan, listen,
I need you to hang up right away.

Your Auntie,
she hurt her ankle.

I have to call
the hospital.

Bernie? Is that you?

Paul?

What you doing
on the phone?

(CHUCKLE)

So that's how
you got my number.

Jordan...

I'm gonna kill you.

(PHONE BEEPS)

BERNIE: How's this, baby?
WANDA: Honey,

please, don't move it again.

I won't.

(SIGHS) Let me
straighten you up a little bit, okay?

Okay, take it easy.
I am, sweetheart.

Here, raise up,
raise up.

Ooh.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, that's too high.

Okay, now this
is gonna have to do it

until I go out
and get you a better one.

It's fine.

Anything else
I can get you?

Are you cold?
Need a blanket?

(WANDA CHUCKLES)

Honey, I just have
a sprain, okay? Okay.

You don't have to
do all this because you feel guilty.

What?

You think I'm doing
all this because I feel guilty?

Wanda, let me
tell you something.

I'm doing this because
you're my wife

and I love you,

and I want you
to be comfortable.

That's the only reason
why I'm doing it.

Aww, honey,
that's sweet.

See, now that's all
I was trying to say...

that the things
that I do for you,

I do them
because I love you. I know.

Because you do nice things
for people that you love. Yeah.

That's all I was trying
to get you to understand. I know.

SINGER: ♪ So in love

You know
something else, Wanda?

I feel like an ass.

Aw, it's okay.

But you stay
right there.

You'll have to
chill-ax, relax.

'Cause I've got
dinner almost ready

and I made
your favorite.

What?
Guess what?

Cornish hen,
wild rice.

JORDAN: What are
we gonna eat? 'Cause I am starvi...

Hello, Jordan.

It's time to
play the game.

(WHIMPERS)

(SNORTS)

(CHUCKLING)

You see what
she's trying to do!

Don't you, America?

She's trying to
make me feel real bad,

punish me,
withholding her nice...

(CHOKING AND COUGHING)

(MUTTERING)

(LAUGHTER)

It went down
the wrong pipe.

Niceties.

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