Original subtitles

[ Screaming ]

Welcome viewers.

This is waiting for the tone,

the pink noise live stream podcast.

I am Curtis Mendolsonn, your host.

Before we begin, I just want to say ‐‐

studies show that we spend 55%

of our lives in panties.

55%.

My privates demand comfort

and that’s why I’ve switched to Y Tu Panties, Tambien.

Y Tu Panties, Tambien is made of space‐age nano‐silk,

which swaddles my ‐‐ [ Gunshots, yelling ]

Steve?

[ Sighs ]

Now listeners can get 50% off their first order

[ Gunshot ] of Y Tu Pan‐‐

[ Yelling, gunshots continue ] Hold on.

Steve!

Ugh, and all the murderers sound like such hotties.

Huh. Steve, turn down your TV.

Curtis, I can’t hear you.

"Murder [bleep]ers" is on very loud.

I don’t want to hear what you’re watching, I don’t want to hear‐

It’s called "Murder [bleep]ers" and it’s a true crime show

about people who are dead but still have sex.

I’m upstairs recording a timeless event for the masses

and it’s so hard to record properly

when you’re watching this trash TV.

It’s not trash TV.

And I want you to admit that you’ve been up there

doing your recording every hour of the day

while I’ve been at work, okay?

You have to when you don’t know something is coming.

What do you do? Oh, you wait.

You ‐‐ I’m waiting right now. What if it comes!

Well then when does mommy ‐‐

when does mommy get hers, Curtis?

Who’s mommy? I’m mommy in this situation.

Why are you calling yourself mommy?

Because mommy wants to get what she gets.

Well mommy’s got to get the baby off, uh, her teat

and go back to turning it down

because the milk won’t come out of the breast

when the baby’s waiting for it.

"Murder [bleep]ers" is the one thing I have.

You remind me right now of my ex‐wife.

The way Charlene always turned her TV up.

Oh, do not put this. I am no Charlene, okay?

You gonna go sleep on the couch tonight, Charlene?

Well no, I’ll probably go sleep with other men.

Oh‐‐ k‐‐ uh.

You remember she was sleeping with me

for a few years like everyone else you loved?

Steve, alright. Wrong road for me to go down in.

Oh, now it’s louder.

Ah, you hear that, Curtis?

This guy’s spitting on the other guy’s head

and rubbing it in until his head’s gets shiny.

Oh my god, you guys.

Michelle.

Why’d you turn "Murder [bleep]ers" up so loud?

Well Curtis told me to p‐‐ turn it down

so I was being a dick and turning it up.

It’s‐‐ Sorry, Michelle.

It’s such an obnoxiously obnoxious...

Exactamondo. Thank you, Michelle.

And Curtis, you’re just as bad.

I’m ‐‐ I’m ‐‐ I’m uh ‐‐ what?

All your little nah. Michelle, come on.

Pink noise ain’t gonna record itself, okay?

Why do you even need to record it?

We all hear it all the time. It’s just a thing.

Because it feels good to listen to!

Quit shouting!

And I’m sharing it with people that listen to my live stream.

He’s obsessed. What’s wrong with that?

Why are we yelling at each other?

We’re not yelling. Are we?

I’m disappointed in us.

Michelle, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, too.

And I’m sorry as the third one.

I’m so used to living with Charlene

and yelling at her about every tiny little thing.

And now I’m projecting that on you and that’s my problem.

I got to learn to deal with that.

Hey, let’s all get into a triangle formation.

Arms on each others shoulders.

Heads touching.

These are our tender touches.

[ Knocking on door ] Hang on.

Ratman!

Oh, Charlene. How you doing?

Come on in. Okay.

Um, can I get you a horchata or a tea or anything? Uh...

I’ll take a hard horchata with extra mint salt.

Yeah, alright.

Oh, Petey!

Hey, Petey. [ Chirping happily ]

Look at you.

Look at your little antennae.

Look at your little mandibles.

Aw, look at you guys.

Here’s your drink.

Thanks for watching Petey for me, Charlene.

Curtis left me.

What?

We are divorced.

What happened?

The burning flame has been extinguished.

But that’s okay!

Mhm.

Because ever since Curtis made me a widow, you know,

because he’s dead to me ‐‐ Yeah.

Um, I have transitioned all of my marital energies

into opening a passion‐filled and passion fruit‐filled

uh, bakery.

Bakery? Yup!

Lifelong dream.

Yup. What are you calling it?

Uh. Field of Flour.

Flour spelled F‐L‐O‐U‐R.

Now I’m thinking of calling it, uh, Fun in the Croissun.

I’m thinking maybe, um, New Yeast on Life.

I’m thinking of calling it the um, th‐‐ the‐‐

Oh God, you’re falling apart.

Uh, yeah.

Please, yes, spend some time with Pete.

Okay.

Just know he’s my pride and joy and I will be back right quick.

I gotta take this, uh, sixteen hour car ride

because apparently you can’t identify

yourself on the Internet.

I’ve got a special situation because of my health situation‐‐

the‐‐ the rat conglomerate.

You see, it’s a network ‐‐ I’m a network of rats,

circumnavigating the entire globe.

Every rat and I are connected.

If I don’t get signed up today, I’ll miss the whole thing.

I need to have my existence proven

before I get on the frigate,

and it’s less than a month and I need to go now!

I mean, if it’s time‐sensitive, shouldn’t you take a plane?

You know I don’t like leaving the terrestrial firma.

And you know that I have consistently

had problems with the TSA.

They’ve‐‐ They crushed my top hat.

Curtis: Gotta bread the pork.

Guys, I’m making tonkatsu for ya!

No fight is a fight without some post‐fight makeup...

I’ve been eyeing this one up for a while now.

These are condominiums or apartments?

Uh, what’s the difference?

I don’t really know, I always get confused.

It’s a condo.

Get that hot oil burning.

Looks like a bunch of electronics in there.

Look at all those Y Tu Panties, Tambien boxes.

He’s got lots of those white canes.

Is‐‐ what? Yeah, what’s that mean?

Is he like a pimp?

Uh, maybe we shouldn’t break into this house.

We don’t have time to not take chances.

We’ve been planning this for months.

Okay, okay.

Let’s just get all the electronics.

Okay. Just be quiet.

We’ve done this before.

Ah! Burglars!

Ah! [ Screams ]

Ahh! Ah, bananas!

Now, Petey, this is my bakery.

Now, you run off and play.

I got to make some pie.

What’s the plan, C‐man?

Okay, sassy, this is the deal.

This is your home and I’m gonna help you defend it.

We got to lay some traps.

I’ve got a milk carton full of nails.

That’s perfect! Yes!

Okay, so we’ll start laying ’em down here

so if those burglars step on ’em,

it’s gonna go right through their foot.

Send them into owie‐town. Ooh.

To be safe, ’cause they’re all very rusty,

why don’t we use these chopsticks

that you were using to fry the tonkatsu?

That’s a great idea, Steve.

It keeps us safe.

Last thing I wanna contract is tetanus.

Curtis, where’s the Bull Dog slauce?

I wanna slick the stairway.

It’s over here in the kitchen, I’m gonna run and grab it.

Mm.

Steve, actually, you got to try this kimchi.

This is very good.

I don’t‐‐

I’m going to take time to‐‐ tr‐‐

Yeah, oh, wow.

That’s almost like, carbonated.

Heh, I wanna eat,

but I know we have to protect the home, too.

God, I hate burglars.

I hate ’em so much.

Yeah, we’ll get ’em with these.

This water’s boiling.

I’m gonna drop some nails in here.

Yeah, hot nails.

Oh, I’m gonna put nails in the kimchi.

So if the burglars come over here

and they try to eat that, they’ll eat the nails.

Well, don’t forget about it.

I’m not gonna forget about the kimchi.

I love kimchi.

Well, don’t forget about the nails in the kimchi.

I don’t want you to hurt your tongue.

What nails? Oh God.

Alright, let’s get this done.

A perfect croissant.

[ Sniffs ]

Eh. Uh oh.

That a sprinkle?

Oh, my God, it’s Petey beetle!

[ Sniffs ]

Alright. [ Coughs ]

Mm.

Okay.

Um... [ Clears throat ]

I’m kind of surprised I like eating bugs.

♪

Is my face all messed up?

No. You‐‐ you honestly don’t look that bad.

It’s kind of cool. It feels all messed up.

It’s like fresh. It’s like a chemical peel.

I think my heart’s beating too fast.

I think ‐‐ my ‐‐ my‐‐ uh‐‐ um‐‐ You’re overthinking.

It’s fine. My ‐‐ my burns.

I’m gonna have a heart attack or something.

Just sit down, it’s fine. You’re not gonna have‐‐

I can’t even breathe. I think I’m ‐‐

Ah. [ Sighs ] I can’t see.

I can’t see.

Uh ‐‐ Watch out. Watch out.

Okay. Something fell?

Hey, are‐‐ are you okay?

Dude? Yes. We got ’em.

Heh. Are there "Murder [bleep]er" cameras crews

around here filming us now?

This is just like an episode of "Murder [bleep]ers."

I can see why you like that show‐‐

Guys! Wha!

Michelle! Don’t look!

Don’t look.

What? But we got a s‐‐ a situation.

All this noise is distracting me from Curtis’s live stream.

You like it, or? I do.

It’s so good.

Ahh. That’s awesome to hear.

With the overlays‐‐ I did that all myself.

Guys, I got trash bags and a bonesaw.

You guys wanna cut them up in the morning, or sleep first?

Hold on‐‐ hold on, Steve. Or just ‐‐Yeah.

The ‐‐ the other thing about the pod ‐‐ podcast ‐‐

Let’s wait til the morning‐‐ It’s cool.

I’m putting the bonesaw down next to him so we don’t forget.

So when we pass the bodies, we see the bonesaw and we know

we got to cut them up in the morning.

They’re not going anywhere. Maybe there’s some graphic thing?

I’m gonna go watch my show. For, like, when the pink noise comes on?

Oh, right. Like a little pop‐up.

Like a little, like‐‐ Yeah. Like some visuals.

I was thinking‐‐ Some like abstract‐‐

Right. I’m gonna quick write this down.

Like a kaleidoscope thing.

♪

Do you eve‐‐ do you ever wash your hands?

And ‐‐ and feet before ‐‐ before you work?

Um, y‐‐ well, like a bubble bath?

I couldn’t help but notice that you were putting

some kind of, uh, insect in your pastries.

Could you tell me more about that?

Um...

His name is Petey?

I’m going to have to fail you.

So wait, wait, wait.

So you’re‐‐ you’re giving me‐‐ I ‐‐ I’m not ‐‐

I’m not shutting down your restaurant.

It’s just ‐‐ there’s just going to be an "F" sign

outside your door.

That’s fair.

And I have to give you this pin for your apron.

How ’s it going? Uh...

Just here to pick up Petey.

Pfft. Okay. [ Chuckles ]

I uh ‐‐ that beetle was uh ‐‐ up in flames.

And uh, next thing you know, I gots me a secret ingredient.

What have you done with Petey?!

He was everything I lived for!

Everything I was doing was for him!

You stupid divorcée!

How could you do this?

It was the one thing I trusted you with!

Ratman, shh.

Taste.

Take a taste.

Yeah, I’ll need a dozen to go.

♪

♪ Sometimes you stand in the dark ♪

♪ You really need to hear the that someone’s now there ♪

Curtis: Right now.

It is permutating through the sky.

And the windows are getting brighter.

It feels real good in my chest and down to my hips.

It’s actually ‐‐ uh‐‐ uh‐‐ hold on.

Computer, why did you stop recording?

‐I am tired. ‐No.

Computer, you got to k‐‐keep recording.

Grab‐‐ grab that calculator.

Okay. We have it.

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