Original subtitles

♪

I hope they appreciate this, uh bulb.

I always bring these dumb bulb plants.

Ugh, I should throw it away.

Damn it, Steve! What?

It’s a gift. You don’t throw gifts away.

Green bin, please. Greenbin?

Really exciting to be here at the Shtimmer Bebik

with the whole Bradley family once again.

Yeah, every year we come here.

I‐I really have to pee.

[ Laughter ] Uh, you gotta drain the turtle.

I mean, that ‐‐ that’s a weird way to put it.

A guy from upstate New York used this term once,

a guy with big ears. Ah, yeah, Michelle,

this is your first time meeting

the whole Bradley family.

Charlene, what’s your family like?

Loud! Michelle,

Curtis’s in‐laws are great,

they just ‐‐ they’re very handsy and shallow.

That kind of thing. If it gets to be overwhelming, Michelle,

they do have a porch swing that I like to sit on for, uh,

most of the time that I’m here

It sounds like there’s a lot of worms moving in there.

Okay. Any comment, Charlene?

What? About the sound of worms?

Yeah. What do you ‐‐

I don’t know, I guess you have heightened blind guy senses.

What ‐‐ What am I to judge?

Clank, Clank. Who is it?!

[ Laughs ] Oh, look, it’s my favorite used‐to‐be sexy niece.

What do you mean used‐to‐be? I’m a smoke show.

Thank you for having us, uh, Aunt Snakes.

You smell funny. Hi, Donna, it’s good to see you again.

Do you remember me, Curtis? I wish I didn’t.

That’s actually not your voice is it? Yeah.

Uhh... Like you go around, talk to people like that?

Oh, my God. I’m actually very young.

You’re very odd! She been like that! Calm down!

Hey, guys, this is, uh,

my partner, Michelle. Hello, everybody!

I have to piss so bad right now. You know where

Yeah, I know where ‐‐ Yeah! I’ll take you down the hallway,

as I grab your hand, dragging you down.

Oh, wow, I’m dragged down.

Doesn’t the door look pretty? It’s got decorations on it.

I’ve been thinking about killing my Aunt.

I like to sit on the floor and rub my butt on the carpet.

Ohh, me too! Good girl, that’s what you’re supposed to do.

I have ring worm!

I don’t know how to respond to 90% of this.

I’ll just have some whiskey on the rocks.

We got cocktails ‐‐ Nah, I’ll just have ‐‐

I’ve got some, uhh, Little Cat Whiskey.

I’ll just have ‐‐ Curtis, you’re such a downer!

All the time you come to our house.

You’re always so negative!

"Oh, I hate this, I hate you guys."

Auntie Snakes, it’s not that, I’m just thirsty.

I’m just ‐‐ my throat’s dry and I ‐‐ I mean, she is right about

your sort of passive‐aggressive attitude.

Like, stop passing me post‐its. Please.

Just text her! Thank you, AJ.

I didn’t know you were listening to that.

Sorry, I was behind the couch.

Butt!

Ooh. Family.

God, does Michelle have crazy in‐laws,

what am I gonna do with Michelle, I mean I love her,

but do I wanna ‐‐ ugh ‐‐ uh ‐‐ Shit!

[ Meows ] My eyeball, lying on the floor,

looking back at me.

I don’t know what I’mma doing.

I’m afraid of commitment, family, and whales.

Ah! Ya scratched me! [ Meows ]

I used to raise Charlene.

She used to be so hot from the age of 11 to 17.

Every boy in this town used to want to date Charlene

from the age of 11 to 17 and after that,

no one even looked at her.

I guess I won the Jackpot.

Very disgusting. No...

No, Aunt Snakes, she’s lovely.

Everyone tried to upskirt her. I...

You know what I did every morning?

I used to slam her into the dining table,

put a diaper on, so I could protect her panties

from all these boys! Charlene, when is ‐‐

How long does Shtimmer Bebik last?

I don’t like... death.

How did you meet this babe? How did you meet this sexy lady

that’s sitting on my table right now? Yeah, how did you

Huh, it’s actually a wild story, uh...

Go for it! We actually had a fli‐‐

Tell your good story. Okay, shut the [bleep] up, lady.

It’s okay! It’s okay, Steve.

At last year’s Real Estate Awards show.

We were both doing hair.

[ Speaking in Japanese ]

I’m gonna make you look so good today.

I’m gonna give you support. Thanks, Steve.

Are you eating chips? It’s just... Kevin!

I don’t want the gre‐‐ [ Speaking Japanese ]

Napkins, they gave me napkins.

If the lights from the stage shine off that potato grease

you’re gonna look like one of those big shiny balls!

I’m not gonna look like a big shiny ball, just relax.

Smoke time!

Ugh. [ Coughing ]

That was, uh...

proctologist.

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.

My name is Taishi. Uh ‐‐ Yeah...

I‐I know who you are, I’m Curtis Mendolsonn,

it’s very nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Taishi, would you like a chip? No, thanks.

But use this, uh, chip clip to keep them fresh.

Wow, look at that, it has your picture on it and everything.

It’s a safety pyramid. Nice, right? I guess Steve does have a point,

I don’t wanna get oil all over myself.

Why don’t you have your own chip clips?

Remember last year I was here and I ‐‐

I fell off the stage.

Yeah. Did you hear about that?

Yeah. Taishi, who does your hair?

You always look so fleek, and fly, and on zam.

Thank you. Michelle ‐‐ Michelle do my hairstyle.

Michelle? I love your hair it’s very soft.

You didn’t tell me that Michelle was standing right next to me.

Don’t be weird right now. You can’t be weird about ‐‐

just be cool. Michelle, that’s your hand.

Yeeah. We’re brushing hands in my brother’s hair.

Yeah. Woman over P. A.: Curtis and Taishi,

you’re up in two minutes!

Alright, should we ‐‐ we’ll warm up. Yeah.

Together: Houses, Houses.

Woman: Presenting the award for best kitchen renovation,

Curtis Mendolsonn...

I’m married to that guy on the stage.

...and Taishi the Rock and Roll Realtor.

He’s the one who fell down last year.

It’s a place for nourishment

where we gather with our families.

Breakfast is, uh ‐‐ I’m just so emotional

seeing you again... it’s... Like everyone wake up and...

You wanna be business partners with benefits,

and just do hair together?

I wanna hair‐do‐you.

That’s kinda funny, I guess. Uh, kinda... I dunno.

Okay! Lets have party at my place!

At recording studio!

What? Come on, everybody!

We gotta present the award first, Taishi.

I’m gonna open this pre‐September‐911 wine. [ Cheers and applause ]

And the winner is Ray Ponce ‐‐ Mid‐Century in Middlesex.

Okay, well. I thought ‐‐ I thought it was a cool story.

Jesus Christ, you gained a lot of weight.

I hope you, uh, spill soup on yourself, Auntie Snakes.

Uh, Auntie Snakes, you big shlomozel.

So quiet out here in the country.

Nothing can hurt me. Can we just ‐‐

You’re ugly. Hemorrhoids.

None of your words hurt me.

‐Oh, hemorrhoids. ‐Hemorrhoids.

You know what? Can we all just stop?

‐What is wrong with you? ‐Stop for a little while?

[ Indistinct talking ]

Everybody stop!

I hate you, and I ‐‐ I’m leaving, Charlene.

I’m going to sit on the chair swing for a while.

Thank you, very much.

Here’s a little bow for you.

Ahhh...

Goodbye, Charlene! No, no, no, no, no!

You can’t ‐‐ You can’t just bow out ‐‐ Shut up, dummy!

Shut up you dumb, frickin’ dipshit!

Every family is weird. Every family is.

Yeah, it’s true, even ‐‐ Every family has issues.

And it wasn’t ‐‐ It’s okay.

Can we leave right now? Well ‐‐

Curtis, your family keeps showing me

mom‐son incest porn.

That’s not my family. You’re my family.

And our mom is my family. Oh.

But these people are not my family.

Charlene is not my family.

No! Come on! Oh, God! I smell your diesel.

Nuh, oh ‐‐ you ‐‐ Oh, God, you ran her over.

Oh, my God, that’s weird.

I think she’ll be fine.

You tired of Charlene? You getting rid of that bitch?

Well, no‐ it’s not that I’m no ‐‐

If that’s the legal way we can talk about it, yeah.

I’m tired of her and I’m getting rid of that "B".

I’ll see what I can do with that. Let me talk to Google.

Charlene, I think we can get a lot out of this.

What? G‐Good morning, Charlene.

Good morning, Curtis. Hopefully we can make this quick

and both get what we want out of this settlement.

I’m more impacted on an emotional level.

My heart is in pain. So I would like, uh,

Curtis’s left ventricle to be removed from surgery. [ Telephone rings ]

Jaz, please tell us ‐‐ She wants the ventricle.

Hello. Jaz Law Van and Mug Bug.

Yes, y‐you’d like how many mugs?

Okay, I got you. Uhh, one second.

I’ll be there in about 15 minutes.

Alright, uhh, what was you saying, Curtis?

Steve does wanna actually purchase

one of these mugs that says "Happy Divorce to My Brother".

If you put heat in ’em, you can put coffee, tea,

and they change colors to whatever you like them to say.

Yeah, it’s like ‐‐ it’s like the drink ware

equivalent of an aurora borealis.

Glad you can make jokes on this day.

It’s not a joke. It’s a scientific fact.

No, it’s a little witticism. Curtis, this is why things

aren’t working out, ’cause you’re always so ‐‐

You want the ventricle so bad? Just take it.

I don’t You want a piece of your heart gone?

I don’t care at this point. You don’t? No.

I just want to be rid of her.

Well, Curtis is asking for a piece of Charlene’s face.

No, I wasn’t. Trust me, Curtis.

This is how we play hard balls.

I don’t want to play hard ball.

Yeah, and I really don’t want to lose face.

I mean, you can stand to lose a little.

I accept! I accept your ‐‐ the affidavit.

You signed an affidavit. But, uh, cousin Avi, we have ‐‐

we have a whole David.

Yeah, we ‐‐ we have a whole David.

Write your maiden name when you do that.

Charlene Bradley.

That’s that. We’ve been ‐‐

But, you know, when in Hollywood,

when something is over, they say "That’s a wrap!"

And here today, I’d like to say ‐‐

That’s a wrap on Bradley!

Uh. That’s a wrap on Bradley!

Um, is my schedule the same?

It’s just pick‐ups. Otherwise we’re wrapped.

Will the e‐mail say otherwise?

Sor‐Sorry ‐‐ Then we’re done with the scene?

Did you sign a larger thing, cousin Avi?

What, you mean like a voice‐over contract?

Yeah, let’s f‐forget it ‐‐ let’s break every wall.

Let’s break the fifth wall.

Wait, are we ‐‐ umm.

This is all being recorded. Of course it is!

No, I mean like, I‐I thought, are we done with this scene?

It’s all recorded.

I thought we weren’t in character.

It doesn’t matter! The no‐‐

The whole notion is that anything

that is said can go in the show.

That’s the joke, we get it.

Bradley, you do realize I can’t talk directly to Dave

unless we’re on the phone.

I don’t know what you are talking about.

Divorce is hard on everybody around us.

Who’s hard on? What?

How we doing, guys? Pretty good.

How are you doing tonight? Doing alright.

I just got divorced.

Sounds like I’m doing better than you.

Okay. I’m gonna have ten thermo‐nuclear.

Nucular. And then a lot of, uh, blue cheese on the side.

And I would like all flats.

T‐T‐There’s an up‐charge for that.

And for me, all drums. Make it double.

And up‐‐ up‐charge on that as well.

That’s a great thing about us as brothers.

We like different parts of the meat.

And we’re willing to spend money to specialize.

Works for me. Better tip.

I’m gonna take my brother to me‐‐ move into my condo.

Downtown condo? We‐‐

Actually I live in French North America.

[ Laughs ]

You think that’s funny? You bigot.

Curtis, we’re leaving here. It’s uh ‐‐ It’s changed ‐‐ It’s changed ‐‐

No, this is full of racists and bigots.

It’s changed a lot in the last few years.

It’s not as bad anymore. Let me show you

what we got in French North America.

We’ve got pastries and foie‐gras and terrines.

Hell, the s‐‐ the stones are made of cobble.

Ah [bleep] The stones are made of cobble.

The streets! Oh.

And look, the birds fall down to say hi. [ Distant screaming ]

And look, they sleep comfortably on the floor

’cause it’s so safe. You sure they’re not dead?

How’d you get here with us? I had to give it a chance.

What? French North America? You s‐‐ you sold me on it.

[ Screaming continues ] What’s that beautiful sound?

Oh, God, that’s beautiful!

Pink gas levels are rising. We’re just 42 days away

from the big event. What a beautiful sound!

♪ When you fall in love ♪

♪ It always ends the same ♪

♪ Cuz you lose when you love ♪

♪ Yeah, you lose your love to love ♪

♪

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