Original subtitles

[ Siren wails ]

I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong.

Yes. I did stab my brother, but that's it.

-Shh. Shh. -I...

-Shh. Shh. -Tell me why you are

putting handcuffs on me.

I did nothing wrong.

Shh. Shh.

CURTIS: That's what I'd do if I got arrested.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Please have your seats.

Today, there's one case tonight.

It's a murder. We've got witnesses.

We'll figure it out.

Order in the court.

We may begin now. Please rise.

Okay, see I'm on the wham, too, because I'm the prosecutor.

I don't know. Oh, shoot.

Do I -- Do I need to know the names?

Uh, Curtis stabbed Steve.

All right, Your Honor, I'm here today to represent...

Steve?

-Yes. -But you stabbed him.

-Yeah. Yeah. -Okay.

Steve was in a situation that he should not be in,

and he was stabbed.

Curtis does not deserve to be in the streets.

To stab your own brother, how dare you?

If you had a brother

and he stabbed you,

how would that make you feel?

Thinking about it.

Uh, thank you.

Now calling up Curtis,

who is going to be representing himself today.

All rise. Please state your full name.

Hi. My name is Curtis.

My brother and I were very close.

And I'm sorry.

Do you need a moment?

No, because alls I have is moments,

and I've unfortunately taken my moments in a poor direction.

None of this adds up, is what I'm saying.

I came back, uh, from selling a house, and here I am.

Thank you.

Go back a couple moments.

Can you tell us a little bit more about this house?

Yeah. Um, I'm a real-estate agent, and I...

Records show that the day that you were selling this house,

Steve was admitted into the hospital

for a wound. -Uh, there were --

Now that's the same wound you mentioned earlier?

It's the same, and in the abdomen.

Correct. I'm looking at you.

I'm looking at all you jury men and jury women,

and I'm saying, I'm sorry. I'm not guilty because I was --

Now if you could just calm down a little bit.

You know, I drink my coffee and I walk in here

and I hope every day that I'll just have a calm --

calm conversation.

Yeah. I -- I understand that.

I -- Same. Same.

You know, I don't think you...

I don't think you do.

No. Your Honor, I think I understand

more than you'll ever know.

That's not important right now.

It's important to me.

Well...

seeing as...

ever since I...

lost my...

I don't like to talk about it.

So it sounds like we're on the same boat then.

Okay. We've heard two accounts.

Now we have our third account

from Mrs. Charlene, wife of Curtis.

Um, if you could please come up to the...

desk.

Wait a second.

**

That's just a photograph.

Curtis, looking at you now.

What do you have to say about this?

The ball is not in my court right now.

Order in the court.

All rise.

Somebody call Charlene.

[ Train wheels clacking ]

Man, I love traveling on trains, but this is all about business.

This isn't...

[ Gulping ]

You can't bog down my head with train wine.

[ Glass shatters ]

All right. That must be him.

It looks just like Dr. Bismal,

but with more masculine musculature in the face.

[ Wheels continue clacking ]

Just got to, uh, take it easy,

but what do I say?

Hello?

Yes. My bird is very ill.

Uh...

Calling up second witness to the stand.

You may know her as Dr. Bismal, doctor over Steve's body.

[ Hammer bangs ] Please begin.

The extent of the injuries to Steve's person,

they really weren't that bad.

Now as you've said, Steve looked fine despite the fact

that his eyes were poked out,

but you did see his dead body.

No. I -- Yes. I did.

-But did you or didn't you? -I did.

-Okay. So we -- -He died of a broken heart

because his brother stabbed him.

-Objection. -Order in the court.

We've got photographs.

If you can all point your attention to this slide show.

-Ugh! -It was consensual.

-We can go back. -I rest my --

I rest my case. -Case rested.

We can go back to the point the prosecutor has made.

It was consensual.

Please tell us a little bit about that.

Charlene asked my victim to rub massage oil

because he was called over to massage oil.

Do we have any proof of this transaction?

You can just run the footage.

Juries, can you imagine hot massage oil?

You haven't had any for almost two weeks

because your husband doesn't please you,

and you have these hot nice hands sliding down your bosom,

just curving right over your ass.

That don't turn you on? That wasn't yummy?

Objection, Your Honor.

This is reaching a point of, uh, I think filth.

If you had an object --

objection, Charlene would have not purchased

that hot massage oil to pleasure, to please.

Your Honor, the lube I feel is complicating the story,

and this is turning into a sex show.

Get the opinion of the jury on this.

This is Carmen, I'm one of the hot babes here in the jury,

and this is the hottest thing I've heard all day,

and I'd love to hear more lube dick talk.

You heard them. They want it.

CURTIS: I don't think that's the way a court...

No. It's -- It's on. I'm serious.

-I'm serious. -No.

[ Hammer bangs ]

Taking from what Dr. Bismal said,

that the stab wounds were not deep enough

to have caused death,

and taking from what we've heard about...

Curtis is not guilty. [ Hammer bangs ]

Everyone made a lot of great points today,

and I think we should all go out and celebrate

the best way we know how to, by talking about other things.

Wait, it's me, Steve. I'm not dead.

-What? -Oh, my goodness.

I was almost dead.

I could feel the poking, poking in my brain, Curtis.

-How did he get -- -Your Honor, let me go.

-Okay. Releasing. -Thank you.

Steve, what in God's name is going on?

You're alive.

Don't touch me, Curtis.

-What, Steve? -You tried to kill me

just because I shoved my bits

right in your pistachio pie of a loose-cannon woman,

you think I'm a -- -Look, I agree with you.

She is a loose cannon. -She's a loose cannon.

That's -- That's why I love her. Do you understand me?

Shut up, dude. -Can we see?

-What? -Do you have a badge?

I don't have a -- Why would I have a badge?

Steve, do you have a pass to get in here?

No. I don't need a pass.

Steve, you do not have --

You could just sit down and stop facing the wall.

-What? -Steve, we're all over here.

Am I facing the jury now?

-Yes. -There's a hot babe in there, right?

-Clementine. -Carmen.

-Carmen. -When I came to,

I was in a shopping cart down by the reservoir,

and I had to crawl all the way here to get these eye patches

and this real sick blind person's stick.

-That sounds terrible. -I know. It was, dude.

-Sorry to hear that, man. -Well --

[ Train wheels clacking ]

**

**

No! How could this be?

**

Wait. These knife wounds don't align with the cutlery set.

Wait a second. I'm no ornatholog-- ornith--

Is it ornithologist or "ornathilogist"?

-Ornithologist. -I'm no ornithologist myself,

but these knife stabbings match the curvature of these birds.

Conductor. Conductor.

-How may I help you? -Conductor.

-How may I help you? -Are you a bird?

How may I help you?

The conductor was in on it.

-Curtis. -Uh, who is that?

They just locked me up in here in the night tent...

-Wait. -...because they're about to

ship you to other prison aren't they?

Steve, did you come to free me?

I just got myself, uh, picked up

for drunk driving around a school,

hitting a few kids. -We got to talk, man.

All this crap about me stabbing you and stuff,

I know, I'm sorry, but...

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

What? Are you crying or laughing right now, Steve?

Steve.

Am I in a different state, or it's all in one state?

Why would you even talk right now?

You're not in the same state as us.

Oh, okay.

-I... -Sorry about that.

...have a confession to make, Curtis.

Steve, you smell weird.

Would you believe me if I told you I already got new eyes?

Yeah. I'd believe you.

Well, that's stupid because clearly it takes four weeks

to get someone new eyes, and these eyes...

Oh, my gosh.

Who are you? You're not Steve.

-No. I'm not. -You're not Steve.

[ Bleats ]

MICHOLS: * See the world with eyes of joy *

* Because I am just a little boy *

* Outsi-i-de

* It's just another perfect day out on the sea *

* It's just another happy place where I feel free *

She came to...

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