Original subtitles

How you holding in there, buddy?

-[Mumbling] -What?

My entrails are like a children's school vacation

and they're going on a trip.

You don't look that bad, to be honest.

-Oh, Mom! -You do not look, uh...too bad.

That feels really nice to hear from you, brother.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

**

Goddamn 2:00 p.m. on a Tuesday afternoon

and this traffic is like this.

This is the problem with this city.

-Ahh-- hweuhh! -That was a big bump.

What street are we on? Ahh!

Are you taking Glonders?

Nah, I'm taking the West Wound.

No, you wanna take Glonders down to --

-I'm taking West Wound. -Ahh!

Listen, I'm telling you, you want a quicker way around.

This place has got all the potho--

You see that? Ohh! -God damn it!

Your car is too big for this highway!

This is your car.

No, I'm talking to this dude in front of me!

Ahh-- I can't tell.

Either go faster, or slow down!

Charlene, could you hold my head upright?

I keep knocking my head. -Charlene, do not let him

get blood on my seats.

Well, there's this little sippy cup...

Yeah, hang on! Wup wup wup wup wup wup --

[ Steve joins in ] Wup wup wup wup wup wup!

I almost hit that guy.

The only things back here are fast-food napkins.

Hold up. Hold. Shut. Wait.

Charlene, just shut your -- -I don't know anything --

Charlene.

I put my head really close to your ear and I say:

Remember when we first started having you cheat on Curtis

and like we made love and you were always like,

"Wrap it up or I'm gonna get pregnant?

**

I -- Wait, can you just repeat the last thing?

What are you guys talking about?

Remember when we first started flubbin' under --

behind my brother's back and I -- you said,

"Wrap it up, or I'll get pregnant?"

[Panting] -Uhh...

I'm sorr-- I honestly can't understand a word --

I said, "Remember when we first started

behind my brother's back and you said,

'Wrap it up, or else I'm gonna get pregnant'?"

Uh-- Yeah.

Who puts truck nuts on a Dodge Shadow?

Our whole society is just becoming

increasingly sexualized in every aspect.

That's what it is?

This is a 1993 Dodge Shadow.

This car was made in America.

Ahh!

Do remember Gwen Stefani?

Of course I do.

Can you sing me some of Gwen Stefani

before I fall asleep?

Oh!

* Hush, little baby, when you walk away *

* Close your eyes -[joins in] * On Sunday

* Close your eyes on Sunday

* Hush, little baby, when you walk away *

-* This is such a fun day -[Mumbling]

* Talk to you -Both: * On Monday

* And sleep through the ni-i-i-ght *

**

* Sleep through the ni-i-i-ght *

Thank you for throwing me on this luxury gurney, guys.

And thank you so much, Curtis, for um...

Whoa-oa! We can talk about this afterwards

and maybe come to an emotional family conclu--

Maybe we'll not be angry at each other.

I'm not angry at you.

Why do you think I'm angry at -- -Well, but you-you're --

Well, you might -- you're the...

You did -- -Yeah, but I don't want you

to think that I'm angry at you.

I l-- I...

love you. -Well, love is a strong word,

but I use it to describe you.

-I just -- -You guys want anything

from the, uh, hospital vending machine?

-Churros. -I'll take a coffee, I guess.

And I'm gonna get a dipsy-doodle.

Oh, man, Steve, do you believe

we did it again, over women and...?

Why do we always fall for the same girl?

[Sharp inhale, slurp] -Well, [chuckles]

it's kinda you falling for my wife. Uh...

I know. I feel like, every time you fall in love with a girl,

I just feel like I gotta one-up you

and shove it in her [bleep] before you do.

Yeah, and...it's kinda the way you phrase things

sometimes, sorta does that --

-It turns people on. -[Continues indistinctly]

And I am actually now getting a little bit angry.

Uhh -- -I have a really long line

of phlegm and blood. Could you pick it up?

Snack time!

-Oh! -Snack time.

Snack time! Thank you for this hot coffee.

Not -- not uh...admit to eavesdropping,

but my butt was mentioned.

Uh, I'm Dr. Bysmol. How can I help you?

Uhh, doctor...th-- um...

-[Gasp] -My, uh, brother

[chuckles nervously] had an accident at home

and, as you could see, there's two incisions in his eyes

and also a slight, uh, laceration to his chest area.

Heh! "Thrincisions"! [ Laughs ]

Just, if you could, um, take him and just do your magic.

[laughing] Is this vitamins they're putting in me?

That's just some salty water.

-Um... -Charlene, could I talk to you

for a minute? -Uh, yeah, sure, Curtis.

[whispering] I have to head out.

I actually --

The bank, uhh...

There's a new -- a young, uh,

first-time homebuyer couple and they actually

are about to foreclose on a home.

Is it okay if I go?

Will you be okay here? -I know that you're

constantly heading out for work purposes

-I -- Not the time -and I would love --

-to bring that up. I have to -Eughh!

-go. -[Burps] Euhh!

I would just love to get to know the doctor better.

Um... -Uh...

I forgot you guys were married.

Yeah. Clearly.

I shoved my -- you know, my f--

you know, my pud?

Steve, I know your pud.

No, I'm talking to the doctor. Look,

I'm looking at the doctor and I'm preten--

[chuckle] I couldn't even tell.

I thought you were looking at me.

-Hey, Doctor... -Yeah?

Well, you can't tell where he's looking.

-Shh! Shh. -His line of sight is

-Okay! -all messed up.

You sound short.

Yeah, I'm 5'3".

Um...

I have to go?

Okay, judging by the severity of your wounds, um,

I don't think you--you're ready for surgery just yet.

But...I can provide you with a milk transfusion.

Milk has proteins in it and uh...

it'll fill up the empty spaces in your veins.

It sounds sort of, um, like they're gonna

create, uh, a yogurt culture within you

to help reformulate yourself. -Charlene. Wait, Charlene.

Why are you pretending you know anything?

[ Scraping ] She's the doctor.

You should let her be the one who's in charge

of discussing science. -Okay, but --

But you're just like coming in --

No! I'm not acting smart.

I'm just trying to bond with the doctor.

I did read something, um, about yogurt

in Real Simpl magazine.

I don't know if she saw that article

or if she subscribed to that publication.

No, I don't.

I-I hope that you don't start sweating milk.

Why? What the [bleep] does that mean?

That's stupid. -No, but it's -- it's --

You don't sweat blood.

Doctor, can you tell him that's stupid?

-Yeah, that's really stupid. -I mean her.

Curtis: All right, and here's the bathroom.

Well...

-So... -Can I use it really...?

Can I try it out? -Anh.

Yeah, it's -- You know, if --

It's your home. Heh. -All right.

-And I'm so happy to be -[Zipper scrapes]

working with you and... -Ugh.

definitely has -- hits a lot of, uh,

the items on your wish list including,

Lilly, bamboo floors.

Ah.

[ Tropical music plays ]

I actually need to get back. Um...

I don't like rushing these things.

And neither do I, and normally I would say,

"Let's not rush this," -Ugh.

but, unfortunately -- and, I'm not sure

exactly how other way to say this, but --

my brother is in the hospital right now.

-Oh. -Oh.

Oh.

He uh, actually got stabbed.

-Ew. -Um, he got -- it's a stabbing.

-Oh, God. -And I have to get back

to the hospital

-Ugghh! -to be with him.

-Well. -Enh.

But then I say, "Curtis?" And he's gone

and I go, "Aww."

And I'm -- I say -- -[Speaks indistinctly]

Wait. I say, Charlene, I say, "I'm so full of pink gas

and it might just be the pink gas talking,

but I forgive you for stabbing me in the eyes."

Andsay, "I know that, when we signed off

on those forms about the things that might happen

with the pink gas, that you might have, uh,

a -- not just a face blindness,

but also an emotional blindness,

and I know that --" -It's f-- chill.

Dude, it's chill, Charlene.

In the next life, maybe, I'll love you, brother,

but, you know, see in this life, you know?

You know that birds' tongues have bones in them?

Can you just tell -- tell us about birds for a while?

-Uhh... -While I drift off?

Okay, well you know that birds,

-85. -they don't have, like --

They pee and poo out of the same hole.

It's called a cloaka. -[Clucking]

It's just like an all-purpose hole.

-36. -All the stuff comes

out of there, including, like,

sexual, ejaculatory fluids.

-33. -Uh, birds also developed, uh,

lightweight beaks because jawbones

were too heavy for flight, so that they can --

they can get up in the air much more easily that way.

That's why birds don't have teeth.

Do you have your own bird?

Yeah, I got a -- I got a board.

[ Monitor beeping, ventilator whooshing ]

Did you say a board?

I mean bird.

[ Alert beeps ] Okay.

The great thing about passing out

is that you can't hear anyone anymore.

I've got a feeling that I keep

falling in love with people I hate.

When I was 6 years old, I pushed my Curtis

down a hill.

He fell down, jagged a rock

against his upper-right forehead,

and now has a long scar there.

Our father never forgave the babysitters

who were supposed to be watching us.

I still remember the sound of Curtis's voice,

right as he hit that rock, and a hollow, deep,

-* Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh -resonant tone

filled the valley right outside

of our cliffside...

beach property. He said...

It's okay; you can sleep with my wife.

I was shaking his limp little 4-year-old body

'cause I'm a 2-year-old brother low-- older.

I'm 6 and he's 4, in this dream.

What are you talking about, Curtis?!

Charlene.

I don't mind.

What are you talking about?!

You are limp as rag!"

Yeah, but I'll be all right.

That's for you, bro.

Is it weird that I feel like we love each other more

when we've been in the same holes?"

We started out in the same hole.

We're gonna end in the same hole.

I wanna be in every hole you've been.

Is that some twisted song?

Yeah.

And then the babysitter came over.

Oh, so you would...? Okay, so this was...

You're 6! -What?

You're 6 and 4, respectively,

talking about tight holes.

I'm sorry. -It's fine.

-It's a dream. -It's fine. It's a dream.

-Okay. -You know how dreams

kinda merge and shift? -Anything can happen in a dream.

Yeah. Hey, Jackie.

-Hey. -Can you get me some ice cream?

Uhh...

Not past 4:00 p.m.

Your blood sugar's already high from lunch.

Wait, blood...

sugar...

Dairy? What's in the ice cream?

Normally, ice cream's made with cream.

And?

Sugar, milk.

Wait. Wait wait wait. Wait wait wait.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Fat bricks.

But they were full of fat.

Rectangular cube sacks of fat meat,

slappin' me in the face, and I was going,

"Ohhhhhhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhh.

Ohhhhhhh Ohhhhhhh Ohhhhhhh Ohhhhhhh."

Can we just do like a pan-out where

everybody's just like "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

all at the same time?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhh!

And I strained so hard and I saw the blurry whiteness

of my room outside and I saw

two shadowy figures and I couldn't get out!

[ Monitor beeping ] Charlene, uhh...

I-I completed my part of the murder pact

and I want you to do --

I want you to return the favor.

Yes. Thank you.

Thank you for poisoning my lover,

like the crooked MD that you are.

Uh, Steve can't testify in court against Curtis

and our marriage is safe

and I will commit the murder you want.

The autopsy's gonna say that it was a --

a uterus, a uterine transplant

that went totally wrong.

But little do they know, I'm the poison doctor.

Hehhaha!

[ Screeches ]

[ Laughing ]

Sorry. -I'd like you to kill

my brother.

Uhh...

Okay.

**

Chris Michols: * Are you tired of waiting

* While your body is failing

* And you're tired of dealing

* With pain

* That you know will not come

* To an end

* I really didn't think it'd happen *

* To me, stay

* I never really thought it'd happen *

** [ Drumroll ]

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