Original subtitles

-[ Indistinct mumbling ] -* What?

* My entrails are floating away *

* You don't look that bad, to be honest *

* You do not look, uh, that bad *

* That feels really nice to hear from you, brother *

* God damn 2:00 p.m.

* God damn 2:00 p.m. on a Tuesday afternoon *

* And this traffic is like this *

* This is the problem with this city *

* Ow! That was a big bump *

* Bumping around on the street *

* No, I'm taking the West woute *

* This is the problem with this city *

* ...hospital

* This is the place with all the potholes *

* You see that? * Your car is too big for this highway! *

* This is your car * No, I'm talking to this dude in front of me! *

* Oh, I can't tell

* Either way, go faster or slow down! *

* Charlene, could you hold my head upright? *

* Charlene, do not let him get blood on my seats *

* Well, there's this little sippy cup *

* Wup, wup, wup, wup, wup, wup, wup *

* I almost hit that guy

The only things back here are fast food napkins.

* Hold on, I put my hand really close to your ear *

* And I say

* Remember when we first started having you cheat *

* And you said, 'Wrap it up or I'm gonna get pregnant'? *

**

I...Wait, can you just repeat the last thing?

* What are you guys talking about? *

* Remember when we first started having you cheat on Curtis *

* And I said, 'Let's go deep forever you and me'? *

Uh...I'm so -- I honestly can't understand a word --

* 'Cause love is but a bucket of water *

* And I'm stepping feet deep in it now for you *

Uh...yeah.

* Who puts truck nuts on a Dodge Shadow? *

And -- Our whole society is just becoming

increasingly sexualized in every aspect.

* Is that what it is?

Narrator: * This is a 1993 Dodge Shadow

* This car was made in America

Ah!

* Do you remember Gwen Stefani? *

* Of course I do

* Can you sing me some of her catalog before I go to bed? *

Oh!

Both: * Hush, little baby

* When you walk away

* Close your eyes on Sunday

* Close your eyes on Sunday

* Hush, little baby

* When you walk away

* This is such a fun day

* Talk to you on Monday

**

Charlene: * And sleep through the night

**

* Thanks for throwing me on this luxury gurney, guys *

* And I just like you so much, Curtis, for, um, whoa *

* Whoa! Can we can talk about this afterwards *

* And maybe come to an emotional family conclusion *

* Maybe we'll not be angry at each other at all *

* I'm not angry at you

* Why do you think I'm angry? * * Well, you know

* You said "I don't want you to think I'm angry *

* I love you

* Well, "love" is a strong word, but I'd use it for you *

You guys want anything from the hospital vending machine?

-* Churros -* I'll take a coffee, I guess

And I'm gonna get a dipsy-doodle.

* Oh, man, Steve, do you believe what we did again *

* And everything, oh, my God *

* Why do we always fall for the same girl? *

* Well, it's kind of the way you phrase things sometimes *

You missed a line.

But say it now, say it.

* Well, it's kind of the way you phrase things sometimes *

* I have a real long line of phlegm, can you pick it up? *

* Actually now I'm getting angry *

* I got a long line of phlegm and blood *

Snack time!

Snack time.

* Snack time

* Thank you for this hot coffee *

Not -- Not to, uh, admit to eavesdropping,

but my butt was mentioned.

* I'm Dr. Bysmol, how can I help you? *

* Doc, um, doctor

[ Burps ]

* My brother had an accident *

* And as you can see, he his this laceration *

* On his eyes and midsection-belly area *

* Thrincisions [ Laughs ]

* And if you could just take him and do your magic *

* Is this vitamins they're putting in me? *

* That's just some salty water *

* Charlene, can I talk to you for a minute? *

Uh, yeah, sure, Curtis.

* I have to head out

* I actually...

* There's a bank

* There's a young, first-time home-buyer couple *

* And they're about to foreclose on a home *

* Is it okay if I go?

* Will you be okay here, Charlene? *

I know that you're constantly heading out for work purposes,

and I would love... -* Charlene

* This is not the time to bring that up *

-* Ah! -I-I would just love

to get to know the doctor better.

* I forgot you guys were married *

* Yeah, clearly

* I shoved my pud

* Yeah, Steve, I know your pud *

* No, I'm talking to the doctor *

* Look, I'm looking at the doctor, and I'm pre-- *

* I couldn't even tell, I thought you were looking at me *

-* Hey, Doctor? -* Yeah?

You can't -- you can't tell where he's looking.

His line of sight is all messed up.

* You sound short

* Yeah, I'm 5'3"

* Um, I have to go

* Okay, judging by the severity of your wounds *

* I don't think you're ready for surgery just yet *

* But I can provide you with a milk transfusion *

* Milk has proteins in it

* And, uh, it'll fill up the empty spaces in your veins *

It sounds sort of, um,

like they're gonna create, uh,

a yogurt culture within you

to help reformulate yourself.

* Charlene, why are you trying to act smart? *

* She's the doctor

* She's the one in charge

No, I'm not -- I'm not acting smart.

I'm just trying to bond with the doctor.

I did read something, um,

about yogurt in, uh, "Reel Simple" magazine.

I don't know if she saw that article

or if she subscribes to that publication.

* No, I don't

I-I hope that you don't start sweating milk.

* That doesn't make sense, you don't sweat blood *

No, but it's diff--

* Can you tell him that's stupid? *

-* Yeah, that's really stupid -* I mean her

Curtis: * All right, here's the bathroom *

* Well...can I use it really... Can I try it out? *

* You know, it's your home *

* And I'm so glad to be working with you *

* It checks a lot of items on your wish list *

* And, Lilly, bamboo floors

* Eh

**

* I actually need to get back *

* I don't like rushing these things *

* Neither do I, and normally, I would say *

* "Let's not rush this"

* But unfortunately

* I'm not sure how to say this *

* but my brother is in the hospital *

* Oh

* Oh

-* He got stabbed -* Ew

-* It was a stabbing -* Oh, God

* And I have to get back to see him *

* Eh

* Well

* But then I say, "Curtis?"

* And he's gone

* And when I say "Charlene" and she's here *

* And I'm so full of pink gas *

* But it might be not just the gas *

And I say, "I know that when we signed off on those forms

about the things that might happen with the pink gas

that you might have not just a face blindness,

but also an emotional blindness, and I know that --

* It's chill

* It's chill, Charlene

* In the next life, maybe I'll love you, brother *

* But, see, in this one --

* You know that birds' tongues have bones in them? *

* Can you just tell us about birds? *

-* Uh -* While I sleep?

* Okay, well, you know that birds *

* they don't have, like

* they pee and poo out of the same hole *

* It's like a cloaca

* Thirty-six

* All the stuff comes out of there *

* Like, sexual ejaculatory fluids *

* Thirty-three

* Birds also developed lightweight beaks *

* Because jaw bones were too heavy for flight *

* So that they can get up into the air *

* Much more easily that way *

* That's why birds don't have teeth *

* Do you have your own bird? *

* Yeah, I got a board

Did you say a board?

* I mean bird

Okay.

* The great thing about passing out *

* is that you can't hear anyone anymore *

* I've got a feeling I keep falling in love *

* With people I hate

* And I pushed my brother down a hill when I was 6 *

* He jagged his head against a rock *

* And then my dad never forgave the babysitters for it *

* I can remember the sound he made *

* As his head hit the stones *

* On the cliff outside our beachside property *

* It's okay, you can sleep with my wife *

* I was shaking his limp...

[ Singing indistinctly ]

**

* Charlene, I don't mind

[ Singing indistinctly ]

[ Singing indistinctly ]

[ Singing indistinctly ]

* Weird, but the same holes *

* We started in the same hole together *

* We're gonna end in the same hole *

[ Singing indistinctly ]

* Yeah

[ Singing indistinctly ]

Oh, so you would -- Okay, so this would --

So, you -- you're 6. -* What?

You're 6 and 4 respectively

talking about tight holes.

-* It's fine -* It's a dream

* It's fine, it's a dream *

* You know how dreams kind of merge and shift? *

* Anything can happen in a dream *

* Hey, Jackie, can I have some ice cream? *

* Not past 4:00 p.m.

* Your blood sugar's kind of high *

* Blood...sugar...dairy? It's an ice cream? *

* Normally ice cream's made of cream *

-* And...? -* Sugar

* Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait *

* Then it hit me like a ton of bricks *

* Fat bricks, but they were full of fat *

* Rectangular cube sacs of fat *

* And they were hitting me in the face *

[ Singing indistinctly ]

Can we just do, like, a pan-out where everybody's just,

like, ohhhhhh, all at the same time?

Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Steve: And I strained my eyes hard

and I saw the blurry whiteness of my room outside

and I saw two shadowy figures. Ohh!

* Charlene

* Charlene, I completed my part of the murder pact *

* And I...I want you to return my favor *

Yes. Thank you.

Thank you for poisoning my lover

like the crooked M.D. that you are.

Because Steve can't testify in court against Curtis

and our marriage is safe and I will commit the murder you want.

* The autopsy's going to say

* That there was a uterine transplant *

* That went totally wrong

* But little do they know that I'm the poison doctor *

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] Sorry.

* I'd like you to kill my brother *

Uhh...

Okay.

[ Chris Michols' "Goner" plays ]

* You're so tired of waiting

* While your body is failing

* And you're so tired of dealing with pain *

* That you know will not come to an end *

* I really didn't think you'd do it *

* To this day

* I never really thought you'd do it *

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