All language subtitles for Roseanne S01E20

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well,
this one is called

"toto, we're not
in kansas anymore,"

the special effects show.

this was big cornball
activity in this one.

and i remember like
really being, you know,

perturbed at the...
lengths that we had

to sit there and wait
for 'em to set up

the mailbox flying
through the window and,

i was like, "oh, man,
i could never do a movie."

it was just too much.

but it's the first show also,
in fact the only show,

where we revealed d.j.'s
real name, david jacob.

and i actually
thought of that

while i was sitting there all
those hours. hope you enjoy it.

what's this?

my insurance claim
for the robbery.

"27-inch color t.v.
with stereo and remote"?

yeah, so?

hey, the only thing
those crooks

ripped off
from your apartment

was a 12-inch portable
black and white

with a hanger
for an antenna.

that philco was an heirloom.

you just can't put
a price on sentiment.

those punks
trashed my apartment.

i'm only trying to
get back what's mine

plus a little compensation
for my mental anguish.

your mental anguish?
what about me?

i've been married
for 15 years.

so, you think
the insurance company's

- not gonna go for it?
- ah, i don't know.

a multinational conglomerate

outwit the lanford scam queen?

impossible.

becky, turn down
that heavy breathing.

mom, darlene's been taking
my stuff again without asking.

i

then how come i found
my new sweater

at the bottom
of your grungy closet?

because everything
in the free world

to diane's tonight
to do homework.

since when they got
a dress code at diane's?

yeah, bosom face.

can't we have her
put to sleep?

well, we tried
but the vet backed out.

what you doing,
aunt jackie?

what she does best.

trying to get
something for nothing.

mom, i can't get the knob
to turn on this stupid washer.

i hate this house!

- nothing ever works.
- except me.

hey, put me down for
a new washer, would ya?

here, dig in.

this stuff is disgusting.

wait'll you taste it.

june, i'm home.

you'll never know how
i've counted the hours.

on your toes, right?

- see ya.
- always nice to see ya... leaving.

i'm coming right back,
so don't get too excited.

roseanne, need anything
besides bread crumbs?

yeah, pick me up a couple
of those tabloids

so i can keep tabs on elvis.

fork over the bread, fred.

hmm.
don't hurry back, jack.

thanks for the cash, stupid.

- hi, the beckster.
- hi, the dadster.

can you drop me off
at diane's tonight?

hmm, for a price.

thanks.

not now, dan.
not in front of the kids.

i gotta get out
of this shirt.

mercury must have
shot up 30 degrees

while i was driving home.

well, your mercury
always shoots up

the closer you get to me.

come on out here.
i want to show you this sky.

dAN: i was on the job site.

the clouds started
spreading out like india ink.

it's kind of like
close encounters.

oh, man, look at that
cumulonimbus.

well, you took the words
right out of my mouth.

you know what we're in for.

lots of little nimbuses?

ah, this weather
gets my fur up!

take a deep breath.

you know what
that smells like?

what's the word
i'm looking for?

garbage.

oh.

there's nothing like
the air before a storm.

it's so stimulating.

yeah, i feel the same way
about laundry.

hey, partner. i was just
about to send out a posse.

sorry, mom.

oh, good, i see
you put your bike away.

mom, why is it so hot?

i don't know, honey.
i think we're due for a storm.

god, that was close.
i got static electricity.

the hair's standing up
on my arms.

this is so cool!

are we gonna have
a hurricane?

no, baby, we don't get
hurricanes this far inland.

yeah, those coastal towns
have all the fun.

come on,
let's put in the bikes.

i'm gonna go check
the weather report.

rOSEANNE:
hurry, hurry, hurry.

dARLENE: what was that?

rOSEANNE: that was god saying
get your butt inside.

dad, what are you doing?

he's trying to find
some music he can relate to.

rADIO ANNOUNCER: aS OF 5:00
pm, cENTRAL sTANDARD tIME,

A TORNADO WATCH IS IN EFFECT
FOR fULTON cOUNTY.

- hey, that's us!
- shh!

tHE STORM IS ON THE SOUTHERN
BOUNDARY OF THE COUNTY

- AND THERE IS A THREAT...
- tornado. i knew it.

you know the next thing
they're gonna be urging us

to take adequate
and immediate shelter.

aLL LISTENERS WITHIN
THE RADIUS OF THIS REPORT

ARE STRONGLY URGED TO TAKE
ADEQUATE AND IMMEDIATE SHELTER.

tHERE IS A TORNADO WATCH
IN EFFECT

FOR ALL OF fULTON cOUNTY.

tHAT IS A TORNADO WATCH.

okay, everybody,
duck and cover.

a tornado, cool!

shut up, darlene.
this is serious.

what's a tornado?

well, remember that part
in wizard of oz

when dorothy was
all alone in the house

and she went
flying up in the air

and spinning around?

is our house gonna go
spinning around?

d.j., you know that stuff
you see on television...

that just gives you
a sense of what's real.

what's gonna happen today
is really real.

uh, a tornado is raw,
wild, untamed...

what's the word
i'm looking for?

george bush?

aren't we supposed to be
doing something?

what's the worst
that could happen?

okay, the tornado
picks up our house,

and slams it down
in a better neighborhood.

mother, this is no time
to kid around.

yeah, you're right.
okay, everybody, panic!

i'm serious. we had
a tornado drill in school.

we're supposed to go to the
northeast corner of the basement.

we don't have
a basement anymore

'cause your dad's using it
for a storage locker.

i had to put them two-by-fours
and sheet rock somewhere.

then what are we gonna do?

we're gonna get all our
disaster supplies together

so we can sit down and
enjoy this like a family.

what supplies?

like candles,
matches, batteries,

stuff like that-
first aid kit.

where's our first aid kit?

it's not a
first aid kit anymore.

darlene's been using it
as a lunch box.

what happened to the stuff
that was inside it?

well, i sorta sold it
to the baseball team.

well, good, at least
they're, uh, safe.

what about food?

good idea, d.j. food.

canned goods,
uh, fresh water.

now dan, this is an emergency.
we need real food

like caramel corn
and cheese puffs.

i'm gonna call
fred and beatrice.

see if we can use their cellar
as a storm cellar.

i thought we agreed
to see less of them.

honey, this is a disaster.

so was their last party.

ahh! damn.

i can't get through.

i shouldn't even be on the phone
with the lightning so close.

i gotta call diane, tell her
i can't come tonight.

well, you can tell her later

when her house
flies by our window.

would you stop
screwing around?

oh, right, dan,
let's whip the kids up

into a hysterical frenzy
while there's still time.

we're talking about a tornado,
an honest-to-god tornado.

don't you think i'm worried?

my sister's out there
for crying out loud.

i know you're worried.

we're supposed to
unplug everything.

crack the windows so the
pressure doesn't build up in here.

i put new batteries
in the radio

but i can't get a station.

okay, we're losing power.

- tHE TORNADO WATCH IN EFFECT FOR fULTON cOUNTY...
- listen, you guys.

...HAS BEEN UPGRADED TO A WARNING FOR
THE EASTERN TOWNS OF oAKTON AND lANFORD.

- oh, my god.
- it's okay, baby.

tORNADO WINDS GUSTING
150 MILES PER HOUR

HAVE BEEN JUST REPORTED
AND FUNNELS HAVE BEEN SPOTTED,

SEVERAL FUNNELS,
ALONG hIGHWAY 36.

all right,
they're coming this way!

shut up, darlene!

- you're scaring d.j.
- no way.

come on, let's go
get into our tornado gear.

becky, turn off the washer.

make sure it's off, unplug it
and the dryer too.

dan, i'm scared.

i'm scared about jackie.
i'm scared about everything.

it'll be okay.

well, thank god you always
know the right thing to say.

who'd be out in the middle
of a tornado?

you mean
besides your father?

it's me, crystal!

cRYSTAL: ohh!

i was on my way home,

from taking lonnie
downstate to his grandma's,

and i almost
lost control of the car.

it's like the end
of the world out there.

great, no more geraldo.

let me take your coat.

no, i better keep it on.

you never know, the wind
might rip the roof off.

that's the way,
think positive.

- lord have mercy.
- come on, crystal.

why don't you
sit down and relax.

- i can't relax.
- all right, clean my house.

have you ever been
in a tornado, dad?

oh, stand over here. yeah.
stand where it's safe.

dARLENE: wow, did you
see that tire blow by?

- d.j.: i did.
- you kids are getting a taste

of what mother nature
really can do.

you're also about
to get a taste

of that plate glass window.

what good's a tornado
if you can't see it?

oh, yeah, you're right.

why don't you guys
go out and play?

dan, you're not safe there.

it's so damn hypnotic.

i can't believe jackie's
still out there.

there are live electrical wires
down all over town.

oh, for god's sake, crystal.

roseanne!

we gotta take cover,
it's coming this way.

rOSEANNE: oh, who'd i
just step on?

- d.j.: me.
- rOSEANNE: that's one.

darlene?

dAN: darlene.

cRYSTAL: oh, my god.
where is she?

rOSEANNE: that is not funny!
you're grounded till menopause.

yours or mine?

rOSEANNE: your father's.

becky?

rOSEANNE:
becky, come out now!

it wasn't funny
when darlene did it.

becky!

maybe she's lying in the house
somewhere buried under the rubble.

rOSEANNE: knock it off!

what is it?!

nothing.

i just bumped into my future
and it was hideous.

i'm gonna go
check upstairs.

no, jackie went
to check up there.

- you know where she went.
- the garage?

yeah, to get
those damn animals.

let's go get her
and beat the hell of her

before the tornado gets her.

dAN: becky, what the hell were you
thinking about? you could have been killed!

bECKY: so could pebbles
and bam-bam.

i gotta go get waffles.
he needs his medicine.

rOSEANNE: hey, i don't care
if pancakes needs a pacemaker,

you're not going no place.
now grab those rats.

we're going
into the living room.

dAN: rosie, this is
really something.

if i knew i wasn't
gonna get killed,

i'd get out
in the middle of this.

- this is too good to miss.
- well, so are you.

what difference does it make
if he goes out or stays in.

if the tornado's gonna get ya,
it's gonna get ya.

when your number's up,
your number's up.

we all gotta go sometime.

try not to look
on the bright side.

don't talk about this.
it's bad luck.

bad luck, good luck.
what difference does it make?

we're powerless.

when i was on my way back
over here, i saw that thing.

- the tornado?
- yeah, and i had my camera

so i thought i'd move
in on it and snap a few.

how could you
do something that crazy?

dad used to put us
all in the buick

and go chasing storms.

dad was a lunatic!

you can't believe
the power of that thing.

it wipes out one house and
leaves the next one untouched.

there's absolutely
no rhyme or reason to it.

it's beyond our control.
nothing means anything.

have you been talking to mom?

come on, you two.

you're missing out
on marshmallows.

come on, sis, marshmallows.
food of the gods.

we'll have
a regular oink fest.

roseanne, how do you
like yours?

how do you like yours,
roseanne?

oh, how i like my men.

crispy on the outside

and stuck to
the end of a fork.

want me to make you one,
aunt jackie?

don't bother your aunt jackie

when she's in the middle
of a breakdown.

oh, my god,
what's at the door?

it's for you, crystal.

give me the willies.
are you okay?

yeah.

i'm writing in my diary
everything that's happening...

just in case.

oh, honey,
you're gonna make it.

you'll survive
this horrible moment

and grow up and have horrible
moments with your own kids.

i love you, mom.

what was that?

probably something of mine.

roseanne,
i want to live.

think it over.

roseanne.

oh, god. god, if you
get me through this

i'll forget all about the 27-inch
color t.v. with stereo and remote.

you should see that twister.
it's unbelievable.

here we go, come on.
get over here, let's go!

- move it!
- cRYSTAL: ahh!

i just want you all to know
that i love you very much.

- what?!
- i love you!

we love you too.p!

d.j.: everybody, it's coming!

d.j., get away
from that window.

okay, everybody
look horrified.

it'll be hard to top
my wedding photo.

you'll thank me for these.

these are for
your insurance company.

- mom?
- dAN: watch the glass.

can darlene and i go see
what's up in the neighborhood?

yeah. be careful
where you walk th.

and no looting
unless it fits me.

i'll go with them, roseanne.

i could use a breath
of fresh air. come on, girls.

can i go too, mom?

no, you have to stay here.
i'm not done hugging you yet.

you believe this?
freddie sunk this baby

in a foot of concrete,
and the wind still got it.

good. i always hated

that stupid goose and gander
painted on the side.

honk!

i'll take it out back, see if we
still got anything left out there.

- can i help?
- absolutely not.

- please, i'll be careful.
- oh, okay.

the perfect end to
another perfect day, eh, sis?

yeah, and of course you
didn't help things out any

running around out there like a
fool, making me worry about ya.

i wasn't trying
to make you worry.

i thought i might sell some
of these shots to a magazine.

sometimes i feel like
i got four kids.

oh, lighten up.
it was just a little tornado.

well, you don't
get it, do ya?

you really scared me.

i wasn't trying
to scare ya.

you don't have to try.
your whole life scares me.

look what we found.

your lawn chairs were over
on gunden avenue.

our stuff was lying
all over the neighborhood.

what'd you bring it back for?

this was my big chance
to get rid of it.

mom, is it safe to watch t.v.?

no safer than before.

hey, this doesn't
belong to us, does it?

no, but it could if you
play your cards right.

guess it must have blown over
from freddie's yard.

here's our chance
to get even with 'em

for not returning
your weed whacker.

you'll be happy to know we still
got a back-end on the place.

i'm just glad we still got
back-ends on each other.

well, i guess i'll
get over to my place

and see if it's
still standing.

thanks for putting up
with me.

sure.

just don't press your luck
in future disasters.

- see ya.
- bye-bye, you guys.

see you later.

i feel like celebrating.
who'll join me in a beer?

- dAN: me!
- rOSEANNE: shh.

i think that's cypress street.

tv REPORTER: jOHN hALE,
WHERE THE ACTION IS,

AT THE SCENE.

aS WE ALL KNOW BY NOW,
SEVERAL SMALL TORNADOES

HAVE CAUSED EXTENSIVE DAMAGE
TO PARTS OF THE lANFORD AREA.

aLTHOUGH THEY LASTED
LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR,

THE TORNADOES, GUSTING
UP TO 150 MILES PER HOUR,

BROUGHT NEAR DEVASTATION

TO SEVERAL HOMES
AND BUSINESSES.

tHE HOUSE BEHIND ME,
LOCATED AT 344 cYPRESS-

WELL, YOU...

we saw two ambulances going
around the block before.

jeez, dan.

i don't even want
to think about it.

you want to think about salvaging
what's left of our backyard?

i don't want to think
about that either.

looks like we lucked out
again, huh, kid?

yeah.

well, think about it.

if you were a tornado, would you
want to come in this house?

what is that?
one of them zen riddles?

let me ask you a question.

that depends.
what about?

about freddie's mailbox.

freddie's mailbox.

ask me anything you want
about freddie's mailbox.

what if it would've
hit me in the head

and killed me?

what do you mean-
what do you mean,

what if it would've killed you.
what then, what?

i mean...
"roseanne connor, 35,

was killed in
yesterday's tornado

by freddie meeker's
flying mailbox."

"dan connor, 36,
today filed suit

in civil court against
one frederick meeker,

for an amount exceeding
five million dollars."

seriously though,
what would you have done?

roseanne, there's
a time for morbid

and there's a time
for not morbid.

check your watch.

i'm just asking you
a serious question.

what would you have done?
a single father, three kids.

probably go out and look
for florence henderson.

come on, dan,

this is something we really
have to think about.

- no, we don't.
- why not?

because nothing bad's
ever gonna happen.

oh, right.

"roseanne connor celebrated
yet another birthday today.

she was 264 years old."

look, honey, we don't have
to talk about this right now.

we ought to just be glad
that we're alive,

the kids are alive.

let it go at that.

- and let it go at that?
- yeah.

dan, that tornado was a sign.

what kind of a sign?

a giant sign.
no, like a giant poster.

more like a billboard
and in great, big letters,

- it says-
- "repent, the end is near"?

no, it says,
"sorry we missed you.

we'll call again
for another appointment."

and it's signed,
"the tornado man."

terrific.

okay, we'll live our lives.

and every other moment
of every other day

we'll look
at each other and go,

"watch out, babe,
something bad's gonna happen."

that's a wonderful prescription
for a relaxed life.

rosie...

there's some things
you can't prepare for ever.

uh, no matter how much you think
you're prepared for them

you're not prepared.

if you spend your whole life
preparing for 'em,

you're wasting your time.

hell, i know that.

well, what's this all about?

well, i guess there's just
a warm front moving in.

i guess you're right.

- d.j.: i'll get it.
- dARLENE: you can't reach it.

hello?

yeah, hi, mrs. clyde.

yeah, i'll tell him.

dad, that was mrs. clyde.

she's got your chicago bears
boxer shorts.

they were in her tree.

and to think i trusted you.

ha ha, baby, i was thinking
about you the whole time.

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