All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s02e06 Ballad For Wind Instruments and Canoe.eng

Suppose this grass is damp.

You'll get a soggy behind.

Ah, sit thee down!

The bottom's waterproof, in't it?

True. Otherwise cups of tea
would come straight through.

You can't be too careful.

I've seen men delirious
with jungle fever.

'Ey up, we're off again.

Him and Errol Flynn in Burma.

Not much jungle round here
till you get nearly to Leeds.

I'd like to see you lot trying
to make a camp in a mango swamp.

Hardship?
You don't know what hardship is.

But you're going to
tell us, aren't you?

Bad for the poetic vision
is the fear of lumbago.

We ought to swear an oath to be
loyal to each other and reckless of damp grass for as long as we can.

Why don't we swear it in blood? His.

I've had enough of that
from you at school.

I remember your oath-taking
ceremonies, you evil little monkey.

Talk about Mau Mau!

What I want to know is what you
thought were likely to be

the magical properties of blood,
ink, spit and cocoa.

It made thee keep thy distance,
though, didn't it?

Wouldn't it be sad if you woke up
and looked at a summer's day

and your only thought was,
"Oh, dear, what now?

"Do I take one of me vests off?"

♪ Dee dee-dee-dee, dee-dee...

How do, lads?

Have you seen a canoe? What colour?

What colour!

Name's Arnpepper.

Very heavy. Are you sure
it's not an unconverted trawler?

He's a right wag, is Cyril.

Oh, put your back into it.

It's like being inside
a wooden submarine.

Well, will you take your
periscope out of me ribs?!

Well, lads, that's just what
we needed - a brisk walk up a hill carrying a lifeboat.

Are you sure his legs
are touching t'ground?

Right, swing her astern
round to port.

You'll have half a bit of meself.

Gently.

I was going to do 30 miles a day,
come out at the Humber, turn left,

and go up the east coast
as far as Whitby. What happened?

I fell out!

Well, they're not stable.

How far had you come? A good
three miles before it happened.

What I can't understand
is how the hell you came to be called Arnpepper.

You've never heard of it, have you?

Nobody else has either,
but they're going to.

You're going to put it
on the map, are you? I am.

I'm pig sick of being a nonentity.

It's got to stop. I can sympathise.

I can understand the feeling of
talent unrecognised and superiority unrewarded.

But what can you do about it, eh?

I don't care what.
I'll have a go at owt.

Do you realise that my family
goes back for donkey's years?

And they've all been useless heaps.

Have you ever heard of a famous
Arnpepper? Have you hell as like.

We've never even heard of
an Arnpepper nobody's ever heard of.

We had a bloke called Killigrew
in our mob during t'war.

Oh, how very interesting.

Very much to the point, I'm sure.

What a wonderful sense
of stupidity he's got.

Well, I thought that were a very
funny name, you know, Killigrew.

Oh, gawd.

You see, me first target
is the Guinness Book of Records.

But you don't know
where you are wi' them.

I set to one weekend and scoffed 14
pounds of brawn and six of haslet,

and they wouldn't even consider it.

You great gannet! What happened?

Oh, don't ask.

I daredn't leave the bathroom
until the following Wednesday.

And the wife went
back to her mother's.

Even then it weren't worth it.
I was too bad to enjoy it.

You do find 'em, don't you?

'Ey, will you keep your voice down?

The rules of civilised behaviour
require that we do not take the Michael out of a complete stranger

unless it is quite clear that
he is both timid and undernourished.

Well, I wish him luck.
I think he might just make it.

We'll be able to say to them in
years to come, "We met Arnpepper."

"Not THE Arnpepper?" they'll say,
and we'll nod smugly.

"What was he like?" they'll say.

"Really quite barmy,"
we'll be able to tell 'em.

You see, the trouble is finding
your true medium of expression.

It's not haslet and brawn,
I found that out.

You see, I was going to let our Wilf
drive over me in a small car, in front of them from Look North.

But he can't even hit his own
gate hole. And it's not canoes.

See, I'm not canoe material.

What are you going to do with it,
that canoe?

Take your pace from me.

I've got the helm.

Steady she goes.

Astern.

Take her astern!

I feel like a pantomime horse.

With chips. Come on, hard to port.

To port!

That's it. I suppose technically
at this point we are a vehicle.

Good, I'm shagged.
Like a proper vehicle.

Mind the window.

Mind the window!

Here, would you mind my paint?

How long have you been
wearing make-up, then?

Ain't no paint on your walls.

It might be plaster, then.

Why not wait until we get inside
and then have your little mutiny?

It's him.
Don't shove it! Don't shove it!

Just ease it gently to starboard.

Starboard?! Hark at him! Arrrr!

He thinks he's Long John Plastic.

Forward! Bring it forward!

Eh, where's your parrot, then, eh?

Come forward, then!

'Ey, I can lend you one of
me ferrets for your shoulder!

Couldn't we...? I mean,
why don't we just put it down?

All right. Move it to larboard.

Who? Backwards, you fool.

Go on, put it down over there. Back.

Go on. Gently does it.
Now, watch it.

Take her astern. On the lee side.

Right, that's it. Gently, now.

Righto, Elsie. Come on then, love.
Right.

Lower it gently. That's it.

Mind me foot. Ah.

Ah, well.

If anybody's going to trip over it,
it might as well be Nora Batty.

No wonder it wouldn't go in,
with Left-handed Ludwig here.

You know, I've always wanted one of
these things bunging up my kitchen.

Why my house?
Because it looks most like a shed.

You know what we've got now,
don't you? Fags?

Total mobility. No fags?

They navigated Canada
in one of these.

Brought coloured beads and plague
to the Eskimos.

The world's going crackers
on wheels, and here we are

with the key to thousands of
tranquil miles of British pollution.

Well, Arnpepper didn't think so.

Ah, but Arnpepper was too impetuous.

You've got to have the knack.

I mean, look at the way we guided it
through that plate-glass window, eh?

Listen.

Listen. I admit that I'm nobody's
high-octane dream behind a wheel.

Me revs are invariably sloppy.

But even a mechanical idiot
can paddle.

Now, what we have
just done, gentlemen,

we have just acquired the ideal
form of transport for our situation.

Cast off.

Well, it wouldn't do that
in the water, would it?

I mean, you've got to have faith
if we're going to go on our... little expedition.

What little expedition?

I mean, look at the possibilities
for a little expedition.

Mile after mile of waterway.
We can get drowned almost anywhere.

We can the way you tip it about!

It capsized once on dry land and
straight away you've got me down as a nautical lunatic.

'Ey up, fearless.
If we keep off the canals, the rivers won't come any higher than your...

Never mind where they
can't come any higher than.

You go and get three cups of tea and
then go and rest your head somewhere.

Like a railway line.

He's off again, Long John Plastic.

A-harrrr, Jim lad!

Oh, dear, slinging his weight about.

You see, even he
recognises it, Cyril. You're a natural for command afloat.

Command, him? He couldn't command
a ruptured rubber duck.

He's only got one asset,
and that's the size of his gob.

Whose gob? His. Oh, his.

'Ey, you talk about mine?

Have you ever seen him eat?

He's got a mouth bigger than
the split in t'Labour Party.

Only when I'm hungry.

Aye, he can shift a bit. But me
uncle Wallace, now, he could trough.

'Ey up! I'm only small. I mean,
he were an heavyweight. Be fair.

Don't worry - we've still got faith
in you. I still say pound-for-pound I were a bigger pig than his Wallace.

And you've got my vote. Ta.

Oh, well, then, I'm sorry
I said them nasty things just now.

That's all right. You can't
hold a candle to our Wallace.

Why, they used to come from all over
just to buy him chips.

That could be said to be an
infringement of his amateur status.

He only does it for his own
enjoyment, don't you? Ha!

He practically stopped
the Rudyards' wedding.

At the reception,
everything went quiet and they all just stood and watched.

Oh, stop moaning on
behind that counter.

He don't half
sling the fanny about, don't he?

They've got the only wedding album
I know of that doesn't show the bride and groom cutting the cake.

Shows our Wallace taking first bite.

Hark at him! I tell thee,
if it comes to the biggest gob, he's got to be a contender.

Who, me?

Right, contestants
will come to order.

Eh? A great challenge, having been
issued, contestants for the title

of Mouth of the Century will compete
in the centre of the ring. Hey, hey!

How are we going to decide it?

By who opens the widest. Er...

Calculated on a scientific basis
by how much space remains around the edges of a meat pie

when inserted in said mouth.

I concede.
Oh, sit down, Joey Brown.

Now, listen, Norm,
don't you let him kid you that his is smaller than it is.

I am not staying here
if we're only using one meat pie.

Sidney, I want two more
identical meat pies.

They're all identical.
I've got a reputation in this street

Aye, I've heard one or two rumours
outside of it and all.

Who's paying for these? Loser pays,
one with the smallest mouth.

That should encourage
you all to try. Wait a minute, we've got to have names.

He's Mr Mouth, he's Mighty Mouth,
and I am... Oddgob. Olympic rules.

Judge's decision is final.

Now, on the command "go",

you throw back your heads, open your
mouths wide and, with one graceful,

athletic motion,
half insert your pie.

Anybody who scoffs his pie off
straight away is disqualified.

Any questions?

Yes, Oddgob. Can we put
any mustard on it?

No, you cannot put
any mustard on it, Oddgob.

Now, I don't want any elbowing
or pinching. Let's have a good clean fight, gentlemen.

And the winner will receive the
Norman Clegg alloy spoon for mouth manoeuvres and will be entitled

for the period of one calendar year
to the honorary form of address, namely Hey You, Big Mouth.

Take your pies in your right hand.

On your marks, get set...

..go!

What the hell are you doing now, you
great hunk of stuffed bird brain?!

Look at you. You're not right
in the head. Have you gone bananas?

You have, haven't you?
You've snapped.

You're going the same way
as your Auntie Connie.

There's nowt wrong
with me Auntie Connie.

Oh, there were once she come
out of the wash house. She's shy.

Look at you, three grown men sitting
there with your mouths open, like three stupid ashtrays.

Have you done with them pies?
They're not paid for yet.

Oh, well, then, they should be. You
don't think I slave away back there so you can pretend you're Oxfam.

It's all right. I'll get 'em.
Oh, look at it! The Aga Khan!

Well, the Aga bloody can't,
so pack it in!

You know we're saving up
for that mobile chip van.

Now, put these chairs straight.
What's that map doing on that table?

Get this floor swept, you wipe the
counter. Pull down those windows.

It's with great pleasure, Ivy, that
I present you with the Norman Clegg alloy spoon for mouth manoeuvres.

Get out!

They're not paid for!

Well, fine, fresh morning, Norman.

I think we shall have wind later.

You're looking very north face
of the Eiger this morning, Cyril.

I would never take anybody
into strange country without the proper equipment.

I don't know why we couldn't
have made an afternoon of it, have a steady paddle somewhere.

I can see that we are going to
have trouble with the lower deck.

Well, I like to get up
about opening time and savour my advantages over the working class.

What's the good of being unemployed
and having to get up at this hour?

The spirit that made
our nation great, you see.

If we'd been like him we wouldn't
have colonised the Isle of Wight.

Well, not until about
dinner time, anyway.

Now, then.

I have planned a route
that shows a variety of conditions.

Among which "exhaustion"
springs instantly to mind.

Oh, no, no. Not as far as it looks.

I must say, your finger
looks surprisingly fresh. Eh?

'Ey, what about paddling uphill?
Uphill?!

Well, you know what I mean - the
opposite way to how you freewheel.

Freewheel!

Listen, I want you to promise me
one thing, that you'll keep your mouth shut if we meet any sailors.

Oh, don't worry, ducky.
They're all yours.

First thing we want
is some wheels on this thing.

Oh, will you keep in step?

You're doing most of your
walking up the back of my legs.

I can't see where your legs
are going!

This is a mug's game, this is.

On a day like this, they'll be
saying, "Why have those three fellows got that umbrella up?"

Kindly keep an eye on Shorthouse.

We don't want any passengers.

I could get used to canoeing.

It's no worse than malaria.

It wears your cap out!

Now, just a sharp flick
with both rudders.

Don't you lay a finger on me!

Mobility, you see.

You couldn't go through here
with a cabin cruiser.

No, no, no, no, look. Wait!
Wait for me!

Oh, come on! Right.

That's it.

Look.
Why don't you go on without me?

I'll bring my end on later.

I think we've struck a rock!

I don't know why it should be my
destiny to have for a crew

a pair of left-handed
barnyard-footed, ham-fisted, swivel-brained idiots.

Well, nobody's perfect!

All right. Lower it down.
That does it.

Forward. Push the bottom!

Hold it.

Now, then.
When I say the word, I want you to give it a good shove off.

Now!

Oh, you dozy great plebs!

What did you go and do that for?

You said shove off!

Only till she floated.
I didn't say let go.

Well, you let go!

I was watching her bottom.

I can't see to everything!

Of all the dozy things to do.

How could you do it?

It was easy. We just went shove.

Don't just sit there.
How are we going to get it back?

Whistle it. You're a figure of
authority. You'll have to wade in.

You can get nautically knotted!

You have the wellies on!
They've got holes in!

I wondered why you
wore them in the summer.

I'm surrounded by inefficiency!

And nettles.

Get that corner, you dozy pillock!
Catch it there!

Do you think
he's doing this right?

I think he must be,
he's keeping dry.

Trouble is,
he's got deformed, short arms!

Remind me in future to surround
meself only by people

who conform to t'standards
of the Brigade of Guards.

Come on!

Tha knows I don't like heights!

Don't worry, we'll be
dropping you in a minute.

It ain't much good, him hearing me.

He ain't even got his bloody
glasses on. You'll be all right.

I won't be as all right
down there as you are up here!

You will. By the time
we've lowered you, your feet will be nearly touching the damn thing.

And if you miss, nobody's
going to shout at you.

Now, go careful! Careful!

Stop wriggling! You're scraping me
back along this bridge!

Keep still! We're doing
all the work.

All you've got to do is
dangle down there and enjoy it.

Ooh... Ooh, dear.
I've split me trousers!

Just keep your eye on the ball,
if you'll pardon the expression!

Steady, now! Keep still!

Here she comes.
Now, drop him on the count of three.

One! I'm packing in! I resign!

I demand a recount! Two!

It's the simple pleasures
that are best. Three! Aaaaah!

You fool! You missed!

You great pair of knitting-headed,
flannel-footed, twisted-headed...

I told you you were
scraping me along that bridge!

You've ruined my complexion.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

It still looks
better than your face.

And look at this.
Oh, me shirt's all wet.

Well, you don't expect to go
canoeing and not get wet, do you?

That's like trying to have
a honeymoon by telephone.

I notice you're still dry!

We haven't started yet.

But we shall all be
kitted out properly with suitable equipment for the job.

This man thinks of everything.

Our clothing, meanwhile,
will be stowed

in waterproof plastic containers,
and ride in the boat perfectly dry.

Do I hear cries of,
"This man is a genius"?

What...

suitable equipment, Cyril?

Leave it all to Father.

Hey, how long have you had
these swimming costumes? They've been all over the world, these.

Well, mine's a bit tight
round the Cape of Good Hope.

Listen, Cyril, we're not going
anywhere we're likely to be seen?

No, we're to be miles
off the beaten track.

Come along, then.

Now then, when I say lift,

I want you all to lift.

OK, ready? Yeah. Yeah.

Lift! That's it. Up she goes.

Lower her gently.

Forward, now. Steady pace.

Do you think the Almighty
really sees everything?

Keep moving.

Wait! Board it gently.

Don't pounce on it. You're not
strangling one of your ferrets.

I don't strangle me ferrets.

Well, I didn't till I put this
damn thing on.

Go on, get in and sit down.

Are you driving?
I shall steer from the rear. Oh, you mean where you brains are?

You're best amidships, Clegg. Oh,
it's kind of you to say so, Cyril.

Righto. Hold tight, now. OK.

The nearest you'll get to Cambridge
is a day trip. Ha-ha-bloody-ha.

Oh, this is idyllic.
Worse than work.

That's right, squeeze the last
drop of enjoyment out of it.

Little pillock.
Have you no soul, man?

Doesn't this mean anything to you?

Don't you feel... A right twit?

Oh, don't you start!

Am I surrounded by the uncultured?

I don't feel natural undressed.

That is natural!

Not for a lad from
Arbitration Street.

I want my jacket on.

I've got no place to put me fags.

Well, nowhere where
I feel comfortable. Get some sun on your flesh, man.

I was like a young bronzed gazelle
in the Far East.

So what? They're only
like long-legged ferrets.

We're not bronzed, Cyril.

We're more like three
plastic bottles of milk.

And who is going to see us out here?

Hey! Look! It's the Bluebell Girls!
Hey, who's got their handbag with them?!

Hello, sailor!

Wait! Hold it.

Now, don't get out
until you've got a firm grip

of this rope.

Hey, have you got
a firm grip of that rope?

Aye. Ah, OK.

And the fool got hold
of the wrong rope! It was thee that give it to me!

I bet you dropped it and slopped it,
you potty little herbert.

Let's face it, when it all
boils down, you're just an incompetent great boghole.

No, no, no. Credit where it's due.

It's entirely due to Cyril
that our clothes are still dry.

The fact that they're floating
halfway to Bridlington by now...

All we have to do
is to catch a boat. It's not flowing that fast, is it?

How did we win in Burma?
He must have been on leave.

We never had any leave, our lot.
We was doing the real fighting.

What, Royal chuffing Signals?
Chindit, you little hobgoblin!

This lad here
penetrated, single-handed,

the defences of some of the toughest
unmarried mothers

in Number 6 Sanitary Depot,
Macclesfield, didn't you?

Aye. Come on, we haven't got all day.

That was the very password he used.

All right, Lord Nelson, is that
a rubber dinghy you've got inside your costume or a spare tyre?

All right, don't panic!

If we're going to have to go home
dressed like this, I'll lead you back a quiet way.

Come on.

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