All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s02e02 Whos That Dancing With Nora Batty Then.eng

Morning, Mrs Batty.
Morning, Gloria, love.

One thing, shan't have to
scour me step in Australia.

Why ever not? You're not going
to let yourself drift into mucky habits when you get there, are you?

No.

They don't do it down there.

Not scour the steps?!

Ooh!

'Ey up. That face looks familiar.
You silly devil.

Well, if isn't my own
true love, Nora Batty.

Oh, get back inside, you're weird.

Morning, Mr Simmonite.

'Ey up, Gloria, love.

I just nipped out to have a word
with passion flower here. It's got so as I daren't rattle me bucket.

Every time he hears it he's out
pestering, talking filth.

It's true, at the sound of
the bucket me knees go weak and me wellies start to palpitate.

There he goes, listen - filth.

He's all right. He's personal.

Ah, I'm full of passion.
I'll cool you off with this bucket.

Come fly with me, Nora. You and me
we could make magic together and I'd lay me ferrets at your feet.

You're not right.

And don't you encourage him.
My only complaint is the legs.

I won't have any talk
from men about my legs.

They're the one flaw in my vision of
paradise. What's wrong with me legs?

Them old wrinkled stockings,
they're like untidy bandages.

It must cost you a fortune to
buy them with creases in like that.

Get off here before I
call me husband.

I've heard what you call him,
poor lad.

You should let him out a bit.

It's cruel keeping things
like him caged up inside.

Bah!

'Ey up.

Why have they sent us here,
Jones, to this outlandish place, it's exile.

We've been banished.

They have given you your
own library, Miss Probert.

Yes, full of tatty old men.

Oh, damn this date stamp.

Steady, Jones. You don't want
people to think you're at a certain age or something.

Now, listen,
I'll tell you what we'll do,

we'll have a nice cup of tea

and then you
can help me delete all these four letter words in the new novels.

That'll take for ever.

Jones, somebody's got to do it.

I want to go back to
the children's library.

We're needed here, Jones.

I want to go back where
Puss In Boots means just that,

and not that awful magazine.

I know, dear. I got a bit
of a shaker too when I flipped through that thing about fairies.

What are we going to do?

We're going to stamp it out.

We'll use a bit of psychology.

We'll have one entire section
labelled "For Degenerates",

and see who's got the
nerve to browse through that.

And as for these special orders,
we'll fill in the postcards so it

reads the filthy book you ordered
is now ready for collection.

Gloria's going to Australia.

Her next door.

Yeah, nice lass.

She's having a farewell party.

We're invited.

What does he do?
He's a lorry driver.

Are they going for good?
Aye, they're emigrating.

Understandable,
when you take into consideration who they've got for a neighbour.

Phwrrpt!

It would be anybody's first reaction,
Australia.

It's a big step, leaving home.

It's a big place.
Only two up and two down. Australia?

I wouldn't fancy
summer at Christmas time,

although it if we're going to have
power cuts every year I wouldn't mind it starting on Boxing Day.

The capital of course is Canberra.

It's
not that everybody knows, I mean some people do think it's Sydney.

Ah, and there's a lot of people
think tha's a SYDENEY and all!

With a tendency to be a bit
fulsome in the gob department.

I have made some enemies, that
is true, but one always does in the process of bettering oneself.

"Well, one always does in the
process of bettering oneself."

Have you noticed how he always
points his lips when he talks.

Oh, I had all this at school,
him and his cronies, scoffing at my Fair Isle socks.

You were always a
credit to your mam, Cyril.

For us in our boots and jerseys,
you and your little sandals

helped us to understand there
were worse things even than the Depression.

Yeah, he were a creeper.

Ah, but a very polished creeper.
Clean around the earholes.

Whereas you were rather more
your lovable urchin of popular fictions

smiling through your grime,
as you went through his pockets for his milk money.

All life were carefree for him,
he never gave a thought to us,

who were burdened down
with the responsibility of collecting all the pencils in.

All he had to worry about was
would Sheila Miller tell her dad.

And did she?

No, we drifted apart anyway.

Oh, sad.
Nothing lasted in them days.

Especially my milk money.

I swapped her to Albert Mullgrove
for a grass snake and two fags.

Oh, my God!

And they say there's no romance left.

I wonder if they have willow trees
in Australia. I like a willow tree.

They've got gum trees. 'Ey up, he's
a mine of information, this kid.

You'll excuse us being surprised.

Oh, that's all right. It's just
we were taught that you were thick.

I know. Well, it must just be
just a mask you wear. Oh, it is.

Like hell, it is!

Of course he's thick, that the real
him. Well, he knows about gum trees.

And why shouldn't he?
He's been up one all his life.

I wonder, I wonder if I should
go to Australia, you know, to try and get over Nora Batty.

You needn't feel lonely there,
if you want company

I expect her
husband will come with you.

Why is he obsessed with Nora Batty?

Because she's there.

Aye, I'll admit she's not pretty,
but it's, you know, her personality.

Oh, yes, that is very appealing.

Like jagged tin.

Very hard is Nora,
but she turns my knees to jelly.

What a Nazi she would've made, eh?

Just consider her Russian front,
a man could freeze before he found any shelter there.

Maybe she'll thaw one day.

Any case I can always go to
Australia.

Foreign legion, that's what you want.

The what? The French Foreign Legion,
that is the classical place to go when disappointed in a woman.

I'm not joining up
with any Froggy mob.

Now, don't dismiss the idea
without giving it a chance.

We are trying to help you.

That's what friends are for.
'Ey up, look at him backing away.

He's going white, look, he's
just like that down at the labour when they're offering him a job.

I'm not joining up with
the Froggies. Typical!

You'd have every opportunity of
dying gloriously and you won't even consider it. I'd prefer Australia.

Ridiculous. How are you going
to get killed out there, eh?

I don't want to get killed.

Oh, well, I'm not going to
talk to if you're not going to consider it with an open mind.

He was just like this that time
ago when we were spending hours

trying to offer him to America for an
astronaut. They wouldn't have had me.

They send monkeys up.

Ah, yeah, but they're trained.

Are you admitting that you are
past training then?

No, but there's a limit to how
far I'll go for a bloody banana.

Here, talking of the Froggies,

that reminds me, have you got
a clean, white, untouched cigarette?

It must be straight, not crumpled.

What for? I will give you a
demonstration of how a left-handed Frenchman smokes a fag.

Go on then, let us see how a left
handed Frenchman smokes a cigarette.

Well, come on, how does a left-handed
Frenchman smoke a cigarette?

The same as anybody else,
you daft pillock.

What do you think you're doing,
horrid little men?

Is this the way
to behave in a library?

Shh. You're not supposed to
raise your voice in here.

Excuse me.

How do you do?

Is everything all right,
Miss Probert?

There's quite a few letters for
you to sign, three overdues,

and that Mr Charlesworth's
had Sex Among The Eskimos for eight weeks now.

Don't you feel like paperwork,
Miss Probert?

If you feel like something more
mechanical to do there's a screw needs tightening on the date stamp.

You're unhappy, Miss Probert.

Well, of course I'm unhappy, Jones,
this place is inundated with men,

that's all we ever get in here
on a semi-permanent basis, men.

The women come in
and scurry straight out again.

Well, then, who's got time
for loafing about half the day?

Men, that's another market
they've cornered.

When did you last
see a female layabout?

I don't know what
you've got against men.

10,000 years of tyranny.

And that weird way they
look when they're undressed.

I wouldn't be seen dead
with a profile like that.

I suppose you get used to it,
if you're lucky.

Well, what have they
ever done for humanity,

except run off and make war on
dubious women in foreign parts.

And we all know which parts.

They can't be all bad.
Every single one of them.

Have you ever known one who hadn't
got that terrible compulsion to peer up ladies garments?

Well, why do you think
spectacles were invented?

Not to mention the telescope.

Do you really imagine that Galileo
was sent to prison because of his theories about the sun?

Rubbish. I bet it was his new view
of somebody's missus that got him popped in the chokey.

They discovered penicillin.

Yes.

But only recently, they'd have
found it a million years ago if it had been up some female's jumper.

Filth! You can take that back,

get yourself something from that
shelf over there, it'll do you more good.

Them Abos are great trackers.

They can go for days without water.

So can you. Ah, but
they've not been swilling pale ale.

Funny names they have in Australia.

Frank Ifield. No, no,

not Frank Ifield, Wallaroo, Wandjina.

It's no worse than Heckmondwike.

At least in Heckmondwike the
Matildas aren't forever waltzing.

Ah, well, they've not got a jambuck
up their billabongs.

I wonder if koala bears
are smooth to touch.

They've got funny noses.

Yours isn't exactly
noble Roman, is it?

My mam bent it.

Here he is.

Here he is. It's the Pied Piper.

How do? Shift the pole.

He don't look well, does he?

He don't look well.

Shut up.

How's the job going, Shep?

I don't wish to talk about it.

Very necessary work, escorting
little children across today's roads.

Little swine.

To look at him you wouldn't think
he was once known as Dream Boat at the Mecca Locarno.

Shut up.

I remember, them little pointed-toe
shoes, his hair all plastered down.

Hey, Shep, what about that suit?

And what about thee?

My hair might have been
plastered, but tha was plastered right through.

Yeah, but I hadn't learned
how to drink properly then.

Well, now that is accomplished,
perhaps you'll learn how to pay for them.

When I'm flush, it's
drinks all round. When I'm not,

I expect my mates to
show a bit of generosity.

Showing generosity is one thing,

but showing what you're
showing is quite another.

Get yourself fastened up.

More holes than a dosshouse blanket.

Cheer up, Shep, you never know,
they might bring back the foxtrot.

I went all through the last war,
five and a half years,

and I can't say that I ever hated
Jerries, but I've been six months a lollipop man

and I could cheerfully
strangle every little brat under 18.

You must be mad, wanting to strangle
poor little innocent kids.

Use your pole,
what do you think it's for?

The young are
a great comfort as you grow older.

It makes you realise that at least
you're going in the right direction. 'Ey up,

look at this! 1932 I carved that.

WS, Willy Simmonite...

equals AD? Who the hell were AD?

It must have been a love
affair of classic proportions.

He can't even remember her name.

No, must have been a new penknife.

You're always had a tendency to rush
in and start carving in them days.

AD? Albert Drury.

Watch it!

It'd be Aggie Duckett!

Aggie Duckett!

Was it hell as like!

Big daft Aggie,

a right flamin' moonbeam.

I never went out with Aggie Duckett!

Oh, come on, Willy, you can tell us.

Oh, shut up. I am just
trying to think. Who was AD?

Don't give us that,
your secret is out.

We know who it was,
it were Aggie Duckett!

I don't know what you're
laughing at, you pair of neets.

I never went out with Aggie Duckett.
She made my nose bleed.

She were always thumping me,

just because I laughed
at her dad's boots.

How the hell was I to
know she were wearing them?

What a lovely couple they were.

It could have been a musical,
Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

She always had scabby knees.

Can't keep his mind
off the legs, tha sees.

Always tripping over
them bloody boots.

She were a fanatic at marbles.

Oh, hello, so that's how it started?

In a frenzy of emotion
she snatched his marbles.

Shut up!

He doesn't look well, does he?

He doesn't look well. Never mind
about me, tell him why we've come.

I thought it were a pilgrimage

to the place where you first
plighted your troth to Aggie Duckett.

We've come about tha' piano!

Have you still got
your Eileen's piano?

Aye, it hasn't been
touched since she were wed.

And with the job I've got,
I've got nowt to sing about.

Can we have a lend of it,
Saturday night?

Aye, I take it it's still there.

We're having a do at Sid's Caff.

Aye, a farewell party.
A young couple emigrating.

And Twinkle Fingers here
gets moody if he can't perform.

Oh, I have no wish to intrude.

Just a few of the old tunes,
you know.

If I am imposing on anybody's
spare time, well... Flaming hell, don't get your talent in a twist.

Come along, Cyril, you are under
a moral obligation to perform.

Your mam paid for all
them piano lessons.

And the besides, we understand
how much pleasure it gives you.

And in any case, I shall need
you to accompany me when I perform on the comb and paper.

Well, if you insist.
Oh, we do, we do.

That poor lass needs something to
encourage her to go to Australia.

I must be off.

They'll be hot for dinner.

That damn great bus will be there in
two minutes and if I'm not there, they'll have it over.

It's not that I don't like kids,
I just can't stand them.

You're just a victim, really,
of the battered parent syndrome.

What about the tinkle
of children's laughter?

Doesn't that mean anything to thee?

Aye, it means they've
just buttoned something.

Not enough discipline,
that's the trouble.

Oh, blimey, he's off again.

For goodness sake sit down
and stop yawping about.

You've got more rattle
than Hargreaves's lorry.

Proper miserable, in't he,
for a pianist?

'Ey up!
Oh, for goodness sake, sit down.

It's Gloria! Gloria!

I hope she doesn't
think he's with us.

Sit down, you great noisy dwarf!
Gloria!

Come on! It's him they're talking
about when you see them signs outside pubs, "No coaches".

Hey, Gloria! Come on! Come on!

Come on, come and meet me dad.
Now, watch it!

You used to loathe him at school
and you're still not too keen on him

but it's a relationship
that lasted a long time.

Oh, hello, Gloria.
Oh, sit down, Rex Harrison, we don't want you bobbing up and down.

Hello, Mr Simmonite, Mr Blamire,
Mr Clegg.

Hello, Gloria. I've not
seen you around much lately.

I'm just having a last look round,
trying to remember it all.

You must be looking forward to it.
Me mam's upset. Mams always are.

Yours had need to be.

Oh, ta.

I thought I'd given it up.

But I started again.

She's not sleeping.

Who?

Me mam.

Come on! It's heavy.

It'll be heavier still
when they get the piano on.

Hey, what's the game?

Come on, you lazy devil,
you pull it then.

Oh!

I told you they'd bring back
the foxtrot. A good thing he's working for nothing.

If we were employing him, he'd
want six months on the sick and 400 quid of damages for that lot.

450!

He doesn't look well, does he?

He doesn't look well.

It's a maggie! Any eggs?
I can't see.

Hey!

Stand on me head, why don't you?

I would if it weren't so pointy.

Hey, there's three. Are they warm?

Come on down then, leave them alone.

I never knew he had a scar on
his belly.

Speaking personally, it was not
the sort of inquiry that I was ever likely to make.

You think you know somebody.
Hey! Oh!

Ha-ha-ha! Oh!

Help! Help me!

'Ey up! Help me!

Do you think he's trying
to tell us something?

I shouldn't think so. Look how
secretive he's been about that scar.

More fun than one imagines.

I should hope so if it
leaves a scar like that.

Bird nesting.

It's the wrong
place for an appendix.

I wonder, could it be an Aggie
Duckett love bite, do you think?

You great stupid pillocks!

I've torn my shirt, my best shirt.

Well, don't wave the damn thing
at me. It's gone right through.

Well, holes usually do.

I shall have to mend it.

I haven't got a needle or a thread,
and I can't go to Gloria's party with a great hole in me.

Just look at it.

We'll fix you up with a shirt.

And a tie. Fancy thinking
you're going like that.

I should look all right
playing the piano

after you've had a few beers with the
wind whistling through that lot.

Well, my trousers is baggy.

No, your legs is baggy,
your trousers are more or less...

..unbelievable.

'Ey up! Whoa-ho! Hey-hey!

Ha-ha-ha! Ohh!

Let yours down, let yours down.
Not on me foot, you...

We have to get this bottom end round.

Leave it to me, I've moved
all sorts through this door.

Not since them three died
from eating your buns.

They've never done you any harm,
have they, you great waste basket?

Get your back into this. Now.

Up my end! My sentiments exactly.

Look, just get hold of it, will you?
Just get hold of it.

Right, come on now, all together.

That's it. There we are.

That's it.

When you said could you bring it
in, I thought you meant through the door, not the flaming wall.

Afternoon, Ivy. I see the
wife's keeping well, Sidney.

Have you ever known her poorly, even
once? It's over now, it's finished.

I gathered that when
I heard you braying it to death.

Don't worry, love,
you'll get a surprise when old twinkle fingers here gets going.

Talk about jingling bells, well,
he goes like the clappers anyway.

♪ Ra da-da, ra da-da... ♪

Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.

Oh, I didn't know he could play.

Oh, just for my own
amusement, really.

Nobody else thinks it's funny.

Not a thing I talk about a lot.

Ah, like your Aunt Annie
with the rent man.

When they know you can play, you
tend to get monopolised at parties.

Dirty devil.

You shouldn't drink so much.

'Ey up, Liberace's labourer.
Get yourself round back here.

Let's have some music
from this taitie peeler.

If there's owt you want,
lads, give us a shout.

I'll be back, God willing.

Yeah.

And they've just mended the road.

Talk about music to make
your feet move by.

He made them move quick enough,
didn't it?

Black notes,
white notes and bum notes, I see.

Does he often go off like this,
your mate?

If he has got an ear for music
I wish he'd use it.

He's bloody fingers
aren't much good.

What was that about his
Aunty Annie and the rent man?

He was caught giving a rebate
in the front room.

Anyway, times were hard.

You can hear it in his music if
you listen, it's all there, the struggle to preserve the right note.

Which rent man was it?

Hello, are we in debt again?

I've never been in debt in
my life and well you know it.

If I was, I wouldn't get
out of it that way.

You're the only man that's ever
been near me.

And after all these years,
I can understand why.

Hey, we'd better have a cup of tea

while they got some cups left.

What about twinkle fingers,
do you think he'll want a cup?

I would say yes,
we've got to stop him somehow.

I wondering if he started something
and he doesn't know how to get off.

By hell, I'll say this for you
Cyril, your brakes are good.

Oh, ho, there's no doubt about it.

The old songs are best.

Not when you've finished with them,
they're not.

Well, we don't expect you to
have any musical appreciation.

Just bits of elbow and some frightful
glimpses of your tail assembly.

Show us your fingers. Look at that,
covered in blood. How many sugars?

One will be sufficient,
thank you, stirred allegro.

You will help yourselves, won't you?

Oh, I wouldn't dream
of interfering with you, Ivy.

Would you care to rephrase that?

I wouldn't dream of interrupting
you, Ivy. That's better.

Not while you're hitting Sid.

Oh, be my guest. I wasn't hitting
Sid, the dozy crow kept ducking.

It's surprising
how light is on his feet when he thinks his carcass is in danger.

Thinks? Yes!

I hope you're going to
slow that tempo down a bit for the dancing on Saturday night.

And who is going to be dancing?

We are, me and Nora Batty.

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