Original subtitles

LUNA: Where are we, Braden?

We now move to agenda item seven, the school contemplation garden.

I might contemplate a lamington.

Excuse me.

There's plates right there, Greg.

I'm good, thank you.

With monies from our trivia night, bogan bingo a...

Use a serviette at least.

The old hand is as eco-friendly as anything, Luna.

No clean-up, no landfill.

Anyway, because of our stellar fundraising efforts this year,

I'm happy to say there's now enough in the kitty

to fulfil my incredible vision for a kids' oasis

and a contemplation garden, thank you.

There has been a slight hiccup with the spot I had in mind

beside the monkey bars.

It is apparently the final resting place for Mr Henry O'Donnell,

our founding headmaster.

Like, a dead body?

In a grave? That's disgusting.

Do you want the dead principal's body in the minutes, or?

The main point is, the garden has to go somewhere else.

So I've decided to pull down the old cricket nets and put it there.

I'm sorry?

They're an eyesore.

Nup, Luna, Luna, you can't destroy the cricket nets.

Cricket's a national treasure, it's joy, summer, it's fun,

it's... it's... it's cricket!

Nobody ever uses them. They're going!

Luna.

What's next?

Spellcheck complete, looking good.

Save to file and print.

Audrey doesn't know it yet but this book is going to be a game changer,

Sophie, a game changer!

Delving beyond Adam Gilchrist, wicket-keeper,

to Adam Gilchrist, truth seeker.

Stumped by his own search for meaning.

This book is going to dazzle the world

and, importantly, help me triumph at work.

Sophie!

Who - are - you - messaging?

No-one.

What, Ravi?

Well, who then?

Lindsay.

About Ravi?

Ravi schmavi, OK?

There's nothing more to say, we're done.

I hope that Lindsay's actually being supportive, isn't she?

Like, you know, "Hey, girl, you OK?"

Big hug emoji.

And you're like, "Hey, BFF."

- We're talking about work. - Oh.

Yeah, two people are leaving Star Class

and Lindsay and I are next in line for the promotion.

That is really awesome, congratulations.

Look at us Butler women, climbing the corporate ladder.

- Watch out, world. - (PRINTER BEEPS)

Your pages have jammed.

Oh, no, please, please!

I need these to be perfect for Audrey.

We cannot plot success on crumpled paper!

Em.

- We have a proposition for you. - Yeah, but, not now, Greg.

Luna wants to destroy the school cricket nets!

Yeah, it's unthinkable!

So I said to Brad, who do we know who could help us?

Yeah, someone with mad cricket skills...

Somebody who could hit this for six with their eyes closed.

Yeah, by holding a cricket clinic.

Gimme a G...

Gimme an L.

- (WHISPERS) I... - I.

Now gimme the L.

Now give us a C!

You're not doing the whole surname, are you?

OK.

- It's Adam Gilchrist. - Yes, Brad.

- So it's a yes! - Yeah!

No, no, it is not possible, don't even think it.

I am not bothering Gilly about a school clinic

when we are at a critical part of the book, MY book.

Well, ghostwriting his book, technically, but OK.

OK, Brad.

Em, this is my chance to have a win against Luna

and you know how hard it's been for me to get one up on her.

Do I need to spell it out to you?

N-O.

Spells yes.

Spells no.

(SOPHIE TAPS ON PHONE)

(SNORES)

(WHISPERS) I'm just going to borrow this, sweetie. I won't be long.

(RINGTONE)

- Oh, g'day, Em. - It's actually Greg.

Greg Butler.

Greg?

Yeah, I'm, um, Em Butler's wife, sorry, I mean husband.

Oh, Greg.

Hey, mate, have you read the book Em wrote about me?

Not yet but I'm hearing plenty of buzz.

Mate, I gotta say, she was delightful to work with.

Just let me tell my truth.

It was just so liberating, finally!

I mean, Em loves her cricket.

Yeah, she loved my story about my 57 ball Ashes hundred.

Monty Panesar still won't return my calls on that one.

Huh!

Anyway, what can I do for you, mate?

Well... mate, I was hoping you could do me a favour.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Oh-ho, oh-ho-ho, Gregory.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

A Gilly cricket clinic?

What a coup!

Yeah, this may be the greatest day of my life.

Both my daughters were born at night, obviously.

- And your wedding... ? - Was a night... wedding.

How'd you manage to get this together so quick?

Well, let's just say we have a small family connection.

You are joking.

Favours were owed and when I told Gilly about the cricket nets,

he was like, "Mate, I am in, whatever I can do."

Oh, Luna's head's gonna explode.

The best she can manage was that boring local councillor

at the quiz night.

Jeez. Don't tell I said that but...

Said what?

Oh, Luna!

Good handbag. You been at the shops?

What are you trying to do here?

Um, saving the cricket nets from your travesty of planning.

With him?

Ah, yeah, with him, 100% with him. It's Gilly, he's an icon!

He's an inappropriate role model for the school community, Greg.

Inappropriate?

Luna, with all due respect,

you are talking nonsense.

Didn't you see him on TV this morning?

The Octopus people,

they pull the entire world's financial and political strings.

It's actually pretty scary.

Right, truly fascinating stuff.

They obviously hide as humans in disguise.

But I'm going to reveal everything in my new book.

It's out soon, thanks to my publisher Esther and Price.

Amazing.

I... I thought that it was an interesting angle.

Owen Wilson's nose is an interesting angle.

Me bending over to shave under my glutes is an interesting angle.

But for the nicest man in cricket who until now has been

about as wholesome as the Easter Bunny,

this is a publicity hand grenade that you casually lobbed

at my petite feet.

I had no idea he was going to do that!

None.

Well, Gilly's manager is now claiming

he was high on cold and flu medication

that he bought from a street vendor in Delhi.

I don't know what to believe anymore!

Audrey, I was literally coming into here

to show you the secret chapters.

Well, the truth you've obviously encouraged Gilly to spray about

with such gay abandon has now scared off sponsors left and right!

Can I help?

Oh, I think you've helped plenty.

We're doing a live conference with Fluster Crop Crisis Management.

- Oh, hello. - Oh, that means vamoose already!

Audrey, I'm just so sorry.

PHONE LINE: Audrey, stop that!

Sorry, Clive, I was just dealing with a thundering moron!

- Now, where were we? - (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Greg.

Shape-shifting octopus people who rule the world?

Em, if I knew Gilly was into this stuff I probably wouldn't have gone

behind your back and asked him to run the cricket clinic

at the school.

Wait, you did what?

Once again, I am the target for Luna's scorn.

- Greg. - Seriously, it's like a blood sport with her.

- Gre... Greg, it... - I've gotta go, Em.

I'm cancelling the cricket clinic.

Suddenly Gilly's feeling a silly mid wacko.

Oh, octopus people?

Oh, you heard?

Yeah, breaking news text alert.

Well, I'm posting on PASH that it's all cancelled and Luna

wants an apology.

Not another PASH post apology?

Yep, Luna beats me again.

RIP, sweet cricket nets.

Sorry I couldn't save you.

Hey, forget Gilly.

You should run this clinic.

No, the parents want Gilly, I'm just another dad.

So? You don't have to be a pro at these things,

you just have to love the game.

And brother, you love the game!

I wouldn't be surprised if there's a little

tiny cricket ball nuclei in your cells!

They'd be lucky to have you.

You ran backyard cricket our whole childhood like a boss!

OK.

Alright.

But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna need balls.

Plenty of balls.

Yeah.

And a broom?

Yeah. It's disgusting.

Do you think they'd let us have free sliders and nachos

when we're promoted into Star Class?

I hope so. I guess we'll find out at work tonight.

Whoa.

Naww, he's been like a little lost puppy ever since you guys

had that fight.

Go on, go kiss and make up. You know you want to.

No, stop. He deserves to be miserable.

I'm never thinking about stupid Ravi again.

Yeah, right.

I'll be too busy with you.

You know, getting paid to snack our way through the Star Class menu

and then spending all the money we earn shopping together.

Nah, I don't need some miserable, selfish, sad sack guy

when I've got my bestie.

- Sisters before misters, babe. - Mm-hm.

GREG: Alrighty!

Now there's a few less punters than I was... hoping for,

but I think this is it.

So we will make do.

Where's Gilly?

You're not Gilly!

I'm Greg. Uh, Chloe's dad!

What about Gilly?

Sadly, Gilly has had to cancel coming here this morning.

- (ALL GROAN AND BOO) - Oh, come on!

I know, I know, but the good news is,

I had a chat with Gilly just before I arrived and he passed on to me...

Nup, let's go.

... all of his top-secret cricket knowledge.

And it kinda feels like...

- Do we need to be here? - Mum, it's OK.

... even though it just seems to be me here,

kind of feels like Gilly's here!

(ALL JEER)

Bullshit.

Joe, please.

- What? - Come on.

OK, the best player today gets a signed cricket cap.

Yeah, signed by Gilly!

Not actually by Gilly, just signed.

- Come on... - Ohhh.

- Let's just go. - Alright!

Let's... everybody grab a bat, grab a ball, let's play some cricket!

- Yeah, come on, come on, guys, up you get, come on! - Yes! I'm batting!

AUDREY: Bugger off!

Oh, now please, what I really meant was barge right in.

Audrey, I know that you think that I am some idiot

who's ruined everything, but please hear me out.

Oh, what is it, Butler?

I back myself on this book.

Is that so?

As an athlete, Gilly is refreshingly raw and honest, yes.

But he gives the reader so much more.

Shining a light on extremism, media echo chambers,

conspiracies and internet rabbit holes.

What do you do when your neighbour or friend, who you thought you knew,

starts sprouting crazy theories?

This book is greater than one man and his baggy green stats.

My heart says that it's a hit.

Hmmm.

And frankly, who doesn't want a bestseller?

Yes, my thoughts exactly.

Ha!

You are not even going to read it?

No, thanks.

Audrey, do you even want me to succeed?

I spend my days coming here, supporting you in here.

I produce maybe the best work that I've ever done.

It's something that is truly meaningful with mass appeal,

but no, you could not care less.

In the bin, Butler.

Oh, please.

Cry me a river, Emily, and drown some kittens in it.

Piss off!

I basically hired you off the street for a photocopying job.

Five minutes later I gift you My Shit Husband

and even after it tanks, still you hassle me about reboots

and a Reese Witherspoon adaptation.

Oh!

Hello, Reese? Are you there?

She's never calling.

But today's dumpster fire is on you.

So as far as I'm concerned, game over.

Well, if you feel that way, maybe I am not cut out

for this work.

Please feel free to mull that question over back at your desk.

Closed!

- Hey! You got the Star Class job! - Yep!

I thought you were cleaning up after the mums with bubbly session.

Does he wanna see me now?

I'm so sorry, Soph, but they only needed one recruit.

But they had two jobs.

I mean, Daphne and Scott were both leaving.

Turns out Scott's mother got catfished

so the move to Florida is off.

Right.

Don't be sad, even though we'll be working at totally different times

and on totally different levels...

I mean, I'll kind of be your boss.

But we can still hang out.

Yeah, of course.

At school.

School?

Yeah...

Yeah, right, of course, school.

Well, I should probably get started on training.

Yeah, no, you go, I've got to stack these cups

so it's... it's fine, really.

I'll leave you to it.

Yeah.

Bad day, huh?

- Mm-hm. - Me too.

Alright, let's get a drink.

GREG: Come on, kids, over here!

Come on!

- To me, over here! - What's going on?

Clarence, this doesn't seem to be achieving anything.

Come on, let's just go.

You can help me choose quarry rocks for the contemplation garden!

Maybe we should go, too.

Yeah, this feels so not Gilly.

You dropped it!

Come on, Greg, you can do this, OK? Think of the cricket nets!

Alright? You love those nets and you love the game.

You've just gotta sell that love, brother.

OK? Come on, Aussie.

Channel your inner Gilly.

(KIDS LAUGH AND PLAY)

Kids?

Huddle in!

(WHISTLES)

Come on!

Huddle in.

Now.

I am stoked that you're having so much fun, it's beautiful.

But now we need to bring our A game.

Are you with me?

Yeah!

Come on, you're losing them.

You know, cricket, it's pure.

It's a ball and you can bowl it

or hit it or catch it or throw it.

And it doesn't really matter what you do with it,

as long as you have fun with it.

Three letters...

- LBW. - No.

F-U-N.

Fun.

Let's sing it together.

- F-U-N. - F-U-N.

F-U-N.

Tough crowd.

I'll give you all five bucks if you sing along.

ALL: F-U-N!

F-U-N! F-U-N!

- F-U-N! -U-N! - Whoo!

Ready, Chloe?

Ohh, bit low.

Oooh!

Ahhh, yeah!

Nice!

Yep, that's it, nice.

Follow through, that's it, yep.

Grab the balls, let's reset.

- OK, straight bat, that's it! - Oh!

Nice.

Yep!

- Good catch! - Nice.

Alex.

- Good catch! - Great catch!

Here we go, uh, Clarence.

It's gonna be a big one!

- Yeah. - You ready?

(ALL CHEER)

Amazing!

Yes!

- That was amazing! - I love cricket, Mr Butler!

Yeah, you do, Clarence. Yeah, you do.

Well done, son.

- Oh, darling, well done! - Good job, Dad.

Oh, here we go, one more.

Good on you, Joe, good onya, mate, good stuff.

Dad, there's 127 balls.

Yeah, and most of them are still on the ground.

- (SIGHS) - Eh?

Come on, Chloe, let's go get 'em.

- LUNA: That was a good hit that you did. - Hey.

- Can we play in the nets on Sunday? - We'll see, darling.

Wait, can I say goodbye?

Hey, well done, well bowled, well bowled.

- One for you as well. - Good job.

Thanks, Mr Butler.

Here's the superstar.

Hey, I've got something for you.

Let's give this one to your mum.

Here we go. Whoa!

It looks good on you!

Thanks.

Let's go, Clarence. Come on, darling.

I had the best time, Mum.

Have a good weekend, Mr Butler.

You too, Clarence.

Sorry I couldn't make the clinic

but the word on PASH is you are the gun cricket coach of the hour.

Ah, the kids are happy, I'm happy.

I just hope we did enough to save the nets.

Oh, that's not goin' for a garden, not now.

I don't know, the president has the power of veto, and...

Yep, well, maybe it's time you made a move.

Push her out, became president.

You'd have the numbers. Don't tell her I said that.

Nah, not really a cloak and dagger kinda guy.

Well, maybe the cloak and dagger suits ya.

Contemplate.

So, Lindsay got the Star Class job and I didn't.

Soph, that sucks.

Yeah.

And things between me and Ravi have been, like, really, really weird

so I kind of have no idea what's happening

or what to do with it.

And I now basically have no best friend and no boyfriend.

It's really great.

Well, Audrey literally threw my Gilly pages in the rubbish

and Reese Witherspoon is never going to call

even though I always thought that she would.

Which means that I'm probably delusional and will never be

the writer that I wanted to be.

So things aren't fabulous over my side either.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Ah, you're home.

Just in time.

How was your day?

Yeah, yeah, it was fine, Dad.

Hey, Em, I'm sorry about the whole Gilly thing.

I know it was very sneaky going behind your back.

Sneaky's one word for it. No, thank you.

It's just that when Luna was all like,

"Greg, you can't use Gilly,"

my dream day was slipping through my fingers,

so, yes, I did get a little bit snippy with you.

And then Brad said, "Greg, why don't YOU run the clinic?"

So I did and it was an absolute blast and the kids were fantastic

and I felt this sense of... joy?

Yeah, yeah, it was joy.

The way you feel when you write.

And then Luna.

I had Luna and she knew it.

Even when Clarence took this classic catch,

even then she couldn't bring herself to be nice to me.

So then I got chatting with Braden and Braden said,

"Greg, maybe it's time that you took charge,

instigate a game changer, become the new president!"

So Em, I think I'm gonna take Luna down.

In a coup.

Em?

(SNORES)

I'll let you mull over that for a few seconds.

Dinner in five?

And as if my day couldn't get any worse, I just got my period.

Do you have any spare tampons?

I'm out.

Ah, yeah, just check my bag.

There's probably one or two kicking around in the bottom.

I'm late!

Late for what?

- Oh. - Oh.

BOTH: Shit.

(EERIE MUSIC)

124, 125.

Nice work, Chlo.

126.

There's supposed to be one more.

Ah, well, it's probably happy where it is.

Maybe Mr O'Donnell took it.

Is he one of the dads?

Nah, he's the old headmaster who's buried under the monkey bars.

You mean like a dead body?

(OWL HOOTS)

Chloe?

The numbers have it.

Gregory Butler, Parents and Friends Committee president-elect.

You do have to tell him, Mum.

I know that, Soph, and I will.

- Ah, alcohol free? - Yep.

- Even yours? - Even mine!

Would somebody mind telling me what the hell is going on?

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