Original subtitles

CHLOE: Mum!

(CHUCKLES)

Hi, Mum.

That was awesome. Can we do that every day?

I'll consider it, in the short- to medium-term.

Oh my gosh, all of this to prove that you are better than Luna.

Well, she was the one who bragged on the school portal

just how eco-friendly she was.

I'm just returning serve.

I mean, seriously, who rides their kid to school on a tandem bike?

Feels pretty stage-managed to me.

Soph, I am rather surprised that you're up for this?

I care about the planet.

And plus, I'm doing an enviro audit project for school.

So, running home would get me at least five points.

Are you winning?

It's not about winning, Chloe, it's about not coming last.

And I refuse to be the freak with the loser family

who's responsible for trashing the earth.

It's all about appearances.

- It's all about the planet, Em. - OK.

Are you ready for your close-up sweaty Moneghetti?

OK. Yeah. Let's do it.

Wait, wait, wait. This will be good.

- My bag, Dad. - Oh, Dad, really?

- It's got to be in portrait mode. - Yep.

- Yeah. And are we backlit? - Yeah. You're backlit.

- OK. - Alright? OK.

Everybody say...

- ... green. - ALL: Green.

You know, we are actually scoring pretty well.

And my post of us jogging home

- is doing some serious business on PASH. - You're counting.

Cute, Dad.

No comment from Luna though.

Hashtag jealous much?

Sweet, apple. Can I have one?

No. Absolutely not. This is your mother's morning tea.

Since when do you make Mum morning tea?

Maybe since Gilly was on video call.

Oh, is your mum with wicket-keeper, batsmen

and all-time great Adam Gilchrist?

I completely forgot.

I might pop in and say hello.

Look, these are all great stories Gilly,

which is probably why you told them in both your previous books,

but do you have anything new?

Did I ever tell you about the famous squash ball in the glove story?

Yep. A couple of times.

What about...

What about from the perspective of the squash ball?

I reckon it might be time to take a tea break.

And, hey, Gilly, perhaps take a moment

to think about a story that you've never told anyone.

and it doesn't even need to be cricket related.

No cricket?

OK. I hear you loud and clear there.

Oh, but, maybe more Big Bash.

Just have a little think.

- OK. That's tea. - OK. Bye.

Almond croissant?

Um, we're just having a break.

Any good material?

Yeah. Well, it's all good material, but it's in his other books.

I just... I need something new.

He must be full of good stories.

He's full of something.

Is he still online? I'll check.

Gilly.

Oh, he's gone.

Sweet. Apple, can I have one?

- Yeah. Go for it. - (FANFARE RINGTONE)

Ooh, red alert. Another message coming through.

"Greg, great to see you're doing the hard yards for the environment."

That's what I do, relax.

"Pity about the single-use plastic water bottle."

You just got burned, Dad.

Single-use? It's only single use if you use it once.

- (FANFARE) - I reuse mine.

"Greg, plastic bottles are nature's greatest killer."

This is a pile-on.

I mean, seriously, this person just posted a picture

of a dolphin crying.

Give me that. That dolphin has clearly been photoshopped.

I reckon I have a photo with me and that same water bottle

from six months ago, I just need to find it.

No. Sweetheart, you have to let that go,

because you will never win this thing.

OK. I won't try to win it. I'll just set the record straight.

Surely I'm allowed to defend myself.

Agreed. Single-use plastics are terrible.

That's why I reuse mine.

Thanks.

Full... stop.

Send. Now who could have an issue with that?

- We'll see. - Who bought this almond milk?

Not me.

What's wrong with almond milk?

It takes 6,000 litres of water to produce one tiny carton.

It's lactose free.

Shame about the environment, though.

Soph, I am all about our planet, it's my favourite planet.

Enjoying your takeaway coffee cup there, Emily?

This? No, this is a one-off. I always bring my keep cup, it's just...

This one time, my cup, it was filthy,

and I was running late for a meeting with Gilly.

And, I mean, I can't expect my barista Antonio to wash my keep cup,

that's just common decency.

- It's a one-off. - Hmm.

Well, these are not all of mine.

They literally have your name on it.

Gosh, Antonio can be a little flirty.

Mum, these aren't even recyclable.

You know, the bin audit is, like, half my assessment.

So you're pretty much completely blown my whole score.

Do you have to log them all?

I mean, this could be our little secret.

OK, Boomer.

Let's just ignore the problem and leave it to Gen Z.

No. I am not a Boomer. I am Gen X. My parents are Boomers.

Yeah. Same diff. You own a house.

No. Not same diff.

We own homes that we will never, ever pay off.

Oh, but that will just fall to Gen Z too, right?

Sophie, we are the original environmentalists.

I was on the front line protesting, fighting for your future.

Yeah. I can't picture it, Boomer.

Well, you get ready to.

Come to mama.

TERRY: To be honest, Greg,

we should be recording our podcast twice a week.

The listeners are hungry.

Yeah. I know. I'm sorry, Tez.

I've just been all consumed with This Parents Association.

- It's like a drug. - (FANFARE RINGTONE)

Addiction is a cruel mistress, Greggles.

I still can't go into a milk bar that stocks Mint Slices.

But, I have the cure.

My Shed Husband will stream live in prime-time.

11:00am is hardly prime-time, Tez.

That is 6:00pm in Louisiana,

the proud American state where several of our listeners are from.

Including our most fervent listener, Fishguts Bob,

who incidentally only ordered 20 hats just last week.

Wow.

- Today's topic: Father's Day gifts. - (FANFARE RINGTONE)

- Socks versus jocks. - (FANFARE RINGTONE)

That is ridiculous.

No. They're both legitimate choices. For me, it's always been socks.

But I've free-balled since I was nine.

No. The parents on PASH are having a go at me.

First I was killing dolphins, and now I'm being overly aggressive.

I'm with you Greg. If we can eat cows, why not dolphins?

Luna must be loving this.

Look. Apparently the full stop at the end of the "thanks"

is a sign of toxic masculinity.

Since when did good punctuation become toxic?

Oft misread is the tone of the written word, Greggles.

Yeah. But a full stop?

I mean, I literally cannot finish a sentence

without somebody correcting me.

There needs to be rules for this stuff.

Yeah. There does.

Alright. Alright. Forget socks versus jocks.

Today's topic has pivoted to online etiquette for men.

I don't know Tez, that sounds controversial.

It doesn't have to be controversial,

everyone loves taking part in an online discussion

as long as it's balanced and fair.

EMILY: Check this out, Soph.

This is me at an environmental protest in 1995, front line.

And what exactly are you protesting?

Melbourne Grand Prix.

In Albert Park, where you lived.

Mmm. Do know how much noise those machines make?

Everyone else here looks like 80, is that grandma?

You know the noise from those cars,

it created these almighty cracks in our front facade,

it was an Edwardian.

Everybody was outraged.

Vince Colosimo came down.

I don't know who that is.

Oh, Sophie, you be as smug as you want,

but the right to quiet use and enjoyment of property,

it is the cornerstone of Australian living.

So, we got out there and we kicked...

Up some stink about how your privilege was being threatened.

- Thanks, Karen. - Karen? Me, Karen?

- Sophie, excuse... - (DING! DING!)

Oh, gosh. I'm late for a work phone call.

Unless of course me working is unethical to pay for your lifestyle.

No?

Anything to say?

Good.

Sorry, Gilly. I'm in a recycling war with my daughter.

She thinks that she knows everything.

Well, there is a lot to know.

I mean, take those little numbers inside the recycling symbol.

Who knows what they all mean?

It's a mystery. So, any new stories?

Well, I mean, I know what they mean

but, in fairness, that's just because I'm all across it.

Right. We should probably crack on with the book now.

Number one, straight into the yellow bin.

Number two, HTPE, all recyclable.

Number three, hard, clear plastics,

like a cordial bottle, for instance.

Every council will recycle that.

Number four, softer, squeezable plastic.

But don't mix that up with that soft plastic bag, for instance -

that goes straight back to the supermarket.

Five and six, well, derr, the big boys...

we all know what they are.

Wow, that's...

Do you reckon there's a book in recycling, Em?

Probably not from you, Gilly.

We could do a chapter on disposable nappies.

They're an eco-killer.

Coffee capsules, obviously.

But do not get me started on fast fashion, do not.

It might not quite be what your fan base is after.

Take polyester, for instance: 70 million barrels of oil every year

go into making polyester.

And with all of this activewear on the fly,

it's not changing anytime soon.

Activewear: half of Sophie's wardrobe is activewear,

and the rest is polyester.

Um, Gilly, do you want to give me a buzz if you think of anything

and, in the meantime, we'll call it stumps?

It's a bit early for stumps. We've just going, haven't we?

Bad light, rain delay?

I like this. You are starting to like cricket, aren't you?

Yeah. You just give me a call if you think of anything.

Welcome to another episode of My Sh*t Husband, streaming live.

- I'm Terry. - And I'm Greg.

And together we're...

- Shit husbands. - Shit husbands.

Online etiquette for men is the topic du jour today, Greggles.

And I believe you've had quite the run-in.

Well, I wouldn't quite call it a run-in, Tez.

I posted a pic on PASH -

that is the online portal at my daughter's school -

and I copped some blowback because there was a plastic bottle in shot.

A plastic bottle.

Oh, I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Did you manufacture said plastic bottle, Greg?

- No. - No?

Well, did you carelessly discard said bottle?

No. In fact, I reuse it.

You reuse it?

Well, isn't that just typical, listeners?

Here's Greg here, quietly saving the planet,

while those in the liberal media would have you believe

he's somehow poisoning it.

- Well, it's a private page, so the media didn't really... - (MESSAGE PINGS)

And is landfill so great a sin?

As Fish Guts Bob just messaged in,

"If the oceans are indeed rising,

won't we need higher landmasses to live on?"

OK. I just want to point out that I am-pro recycling,

but it's just that when I try to defend myself online,

I copped all this criticism because I used a full stop.

Oh. I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Yeah. They call it hypermasculinity or something.

I'll just find it.

The comments are flooding in from our US listeners,

and they are outraged.

Patriot0238 says, "You can't spell Second Amendment

in a sentence without a full stop."

Where is it?

Fish Guts Bob and AK474Life, they both agree.

They're both from a fun group called The Boys of Summer.

Must be big Don Henley fans.

I can't believe it. My post is gone.

Luna's deleted my pic altogether.

Isn't that typical, listeners?

- This is cancel culture gone mad. - (PHONE DINGS)

You know, I hate to say it, Greg, but I will.

You know who else used full stops in their sentences?

The Anzacs, at Gallipoli, that's who.

Now a word from our sponsor.

- ? If camping's your propensity... ? - This is fun.

- ? Then talk to us in Tent City! ? - ? ... in Tent City. Ga-dunk-dunk. ?

What are you doing?

Oh, I have been inspired, by your generation's activism,

to do my own enviro audit, starting with your clothes.

- I've got nothing to hide, Mum. - Oh, that's good.

So you won't mind if I donate

anything with polyester in it to charity?

I don't even wear this stuff.

I think that you would be surprised.

What about this?

Polyester.

Fine, donate it.

Oh, and what about this?

This is your favourite maxi.

Polyester.

Hey, Mum. Don't forget to check Sophie's dress for Lindsay's party.

It's hanging on the back of the door.

Should we check it?

Cotton and polyester.

A blend.

Hmm. Well, I guess it's got to go then.

I guess so.

But it's such a shame.

Such a shame.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Call off your dogs, Greg. - What?

You're the one silencing people.

Would if I could, but you've got too many minions.

What minions?

The ones leaping to your defence on PASH.

What other parents think

of my eco-friendly approach to soft plastics and full stops

is their opinion.

- These aren't parents, Greg. - (PHONE MESSGES DING)

Our page has been swarmed by... hicks with guns.

What?

OK. I don't know why these gentlemen are on our page,

but I have no connection with them.

Safe to say they're all wearing My Sh*t Husband merch.

Every one of them.

One by the name of Fish Guts Bob... and his dog.

OK. Yep.

And Fish Guts Bob appears to have a very large gun.

And his knee on what appears to be a dead lion.

How did they get in? This is supposed to be private portal.

We've been hacked, Greg.

Either that or Fish Guts Bob somehow spawned a human child

who attends the school.

Either way, PASH is completely compromised.

You've left me no choice but to shut it down and start a new PASH.

One without you... or the NRA.

This is a huge misunderstanding.

I don't know these people! They obviously just listen to my podcast.

Well, whatever you said on your podcast

obviously incited them to... rise up and storm the page.

I didn't incite anybody. I love PASH.

Greg, it's hard enough being an admin to a page like this.

Parents are passionate people.

Georgia Gretzky's father thinks having a class hamster is inhumane,

and you're bringing dead lions into the mix.

I had to maintain a safe online environment.

- Hi, Luna. - Emily.

Off to the donation bin.

We're going eco-friendly. No more polyester.

Polyester is appalling.

It is popular, though, isn't it?

You know, it makes activewear nice and comfy.

Sure does.

Hmm. I'm sure it does make activewear more comfy, Luna.

Just... on the count of three, just say "polyester".

One, two, three. Oh, didn't say it, took the photo anyway.

Luna, if there's going to be a new PASH committee,

I want to be involved.

The group will need an apology.

Agreed. Those men are appalling.

Not for that, for your greater crimes.

- Oh, the plastic bottle? - And the full stop.

Some of the parents were very offended.

I would rather die than apologise for good syntax. Full stop.

It's an apology or no PASH for you.

Exclamation point!

OK, OK.

Hi, I'm Greg Butler.

You know, jogging home from school is a lot of fun,

and even better for the environment than, say, tandem cycling.

I'll tell you what's not fun - single-use plastics.

And it doesn't matter how many times you reuse one -

in my case, twice a day for 11 months -

they're a scourge on our planet.

So, I would like to apologise for using this one,

and specifically this one, and only this one,

for 331 days, that's a long time.

But it was wrong, and I'm sorry.

And I'm also finishing this sentence without a full stop.

And I know it might be hard to tell

there is not full stop at the end of this sentence

but, if I was to write it down, you'd clearly see

there is no full stop.

So, I guess this is the... end?

That was big of you, Greg.

No. I hate to say it, Em, but I think I'm addicted to PASH.

Well, there are worse addictions

than staying connected to the school community.

- Right? - (FANFARE RINGTONE)

And it's not the likes that I'm addicted to.

- In fact, they should probably get rid of the likes. - (FANFARE RINGTONE)

I might just check the likes,

see who's putting up with what I'm putting down.

- I think they're lucky to have you. - Thanks, Em.

I just think a little bit of kindness would go a long way online,

especially when people are clearly trying to do the right thing.

Surely little bit of leeway is in order?

That little hypocrite.

Good chat.

- Hand it over. - What?

What? That ecological frocktrocity that is hidden behind your back.

Oh, Mum, it looks really good on me.

Uh, classic Gen Z: designer views worn only when it suits.

What else am I supposed to wear?

I'm giving away my whole wardrobe to charity, remember?

Come on, Soph, are you really going to do that?

Yes, actually, I am. I just need this one.

Well, I guess we can't be perfect environmentalists all the time.

Come on, Mum, don't throw me in with you.

Your coffee...

... gets me through the job that paid for the dress.

So do you really want it?

Will you start using a keep cup?

Fine.

It's done.

Ta-da!

Oh, Chloe, my goodness.

I love it. What is it?

It's a worm farm, Dad.

Oh, yeah.

Filled with hundreds of my new pets.

I've been feeding them with family food scraps.

The apple went down an absolute treat.

Chloe, this is going to get me, like, heaps of points.

I did plant vegies as well.

Mum's used coffee cups.

I might actually win this thing.

What inspired all this, Chlo?

- I'm Gen Alpha... - (PHONE RINGS)

that's just how we roll.

Oh, uh... this is Gilly.

Darling, I am so proud of you, and I love you.

- Gilly, hi. - I've got it, Em, I've got it.

Are you familiar with my 57-ball Ashes hundred?

Very.

Cool.

Are you familiar with The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?

Yeah. I've sat through most of it almost twice?

Why don't we tell my hundred story backwards?

So last chapter, I'm fresh-faced, putting the fresh zinc on,

walking out, ready to bat.

I still think it's basically the same story.

Yeah. You're probably right.

Hey, how did you get on with that recycling war you had going on?

Oh, it has been a great day for the planet.

Good news.

It's a real shame, though, that Australia's recycling

keeps getting rejected overseas.

I read about that.

- Do you know why? - Trade deals?

Uh-uh.

The whole industry is controlled by octopus people.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry, who?

The octopus people.

They've infiltrated every level of government all around the globe.

I'm sorry, who exactly are they?

Hyper-intelligent octopods

who can assume human life form, obviously.

- I'm not familiar... - Em, how can this be news to you?

One of our former prime ministers was one.

I'll leave it to you to work out which one

but, let's just say, I don't think he drowned -

because he had gills.

You seem to know a lot about these people.

Could seriously write a book on this.

Reckon that'd sell?

I reckon it would.

Do you want to take me through it from the top?

Just locking the door, Em.

Hey, guys, no-one come in, please.

Alright, 7,000 years ago...

Hang on, what do you know about interplanetary colonisation?

Not a lot. Tell me everything.

Right, here we go.

You've been invited to a private group of The Boys of Summer,

except I am a big Don Henley fan.

What's this?

- (GLASS BREAKING, CRASHING) - (CHANTING) USA, USA, USA, USA!

- (SIRENS WAIL) - Oh, dear.

Goodbye to the My Sh*t Husband podcast. It was fun while it lasted.

Should have gone with a different-coloured hat.

Yeah. Get in there.

Fire in the hole!

Ooh, up she goes.

That stuff loves a flame.

Yeah. It's the polyester.

What?

Can't be good for the environment.

(COUGHS)

Hey, Greg, I have to tell you something, about Gilly.

You want to come down to the deep with me, don't you, Emily?

You look lovely today, Greg. Is that a new shirt?

What?

Hey, you and Ravi, is that still a thing?

Phone sex, Greg.

Yes, yes, let's... let's... let's do it.

- Sophie! - Dad, gross!

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